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Cloistered Fruit

October 15, 2010
Beautiful picture of a beautiful and happy family of nine

Debi Pearl muses:

We have received several letters from women who have the same concern. I gave it some thought, but it was not until the problem sat down in our morning service this summer that I really appreciated the depth of its ugliness.

Michael Pearl recounts his encounter

Every Sunday this summer we had up to about 15 families visiting the church and ministry. It is fascinating. Every family emits its own light. After viewing a family for just five seconds, I know so much about them. After being introduced to each member of the family, they are an open book. I don’t yet know the details, but I know the soul of the family. Most of the families that visited this summer were beautiful in so many ways—a great testimony to the redeeming and sanctifying work of Jesus Christ.

But one family was disturbing. Something was not right. The fortyish wife was retreating and subdued. She did not lean on her husband for comfort. She seemed to be a tagalong, with no more confidence than a scruffy dog just brought home from the pound. The 50-year-old husband was confident and smooth. Completing the family group was a plain young lady in her late twenties and a 19-year-old fellow.

The older man quickly volunteered that he had a ministry to cloistered children. Several years ago I coined the term “cloistered” in regard to homeschooled kids that were so sheltered as to lack a working knowledge of good and evil. But I have never heard of a “ministry” to the cloistered. I didn’t have time to inquire further, and there were others to meet, so I moved on.

Deb came in late with her 85-year-old Daddy and didn’t get around to meeting the guest. She knew none of what I had observed earlier.

Debi observed

The meeting was over and there was a long line at the dinner table under the white tent. As I looked over the 80 guests, my attention was drawn to a visiting couple. The man was about fifty, certainly not a looker. The one consuming his careful attention was young and plain—late twenties. How did an old dude like that end up married to such a young girl? The man was leaning over the dessert table sharing a slice of cake with Little Miss. It certainly appeared to be a tender moment. Little Miss was clearly enamored with him, as he was with her. But I was confused. Standing nearby, watching the same byplay, was a woman about the same age as the man. Her fixation on the doting couple and her tired, saddened countenance revealed that it was she who was his wife, not the young girl receiving all the tender attention. Right here, at our church, among all these righteous families! I stood amazed at the audacity of the human race.

Michael resumes the story:

I was not aware of Deb’s observation when the old dude, as Deb calls him, said he wanted to talk to me. With his wife and the two young people sitting in on the discussion, he again mentioned that he had a ministry to cloistered kids. It still sounded strange. He went on to explain that the young lady was his charge. He was helping her get over a bad experience at home where her father had been “emotionally abusive and controlling.” I tried to ask the girl questions to ascertain the cause of this odd arrangement, but he answered as if the questions were directed to him, and the young lady deferred to him as if he were her voice of conscience. I thought that unless her father had truly been abusive, she should return to her family, but I was making no progress engaging her to consider her options.

All of a sudden, Deb burst into the middle of the session filled with…knowing her, I am going to call it anger. She said to the young woman, “God told me that the situation you are in is not right and you need to change it right now.” The man, ignoring Deb, looked at me and asked, “Does she do this often?” Sometimes, I said. As quickly as she came, Deb vanished. I was wondering what was going on so I took the opportunity to go back for a refill of iced tea. Deb had disappeared into the crowd, so I didn’t get to inquire as to her concerns.

Debi continues with the story:

Later that afternoon, Little Miss and I sat down for a talk. Her story is that her large family was so controlling and confining, wrapped in religious manipulation, that she just had to get out. This nice old dude, a family acquaintance, had seen her plight and offered to help. His counseling led to her jumping ship at home and coming to live with Old Dude and his wife. Her 19-year-old brother, who had also left home but didn’t live with Old Dude, did not approve of her living with this family and had cautioned her against it. But given her circumstances, and not having the means to make it on her own, she believed it was the safest thing to do. She would have a more caring family to guide her and she would have oversight and protection.

It appears that Old Dude’s intentions toward Little Miss began honorably, and he still considered it a godly ministry. It could be that simple lack of wisdom put him in the place of playing savior to the young woman, rescuing her from an abusive situation. It was clear to me that Old Dude had unwisely reached out to a need and found his needs met. In this role as savior he found fulfillment.

It is possible that in the beginning the Old Wife wanted to help the desperate girl and encouraged her to move in. But things had changed. No doubt her husband still had physical intimacy with her, but his emotional intimacy was directed to the emotionally needy young girl.

Undoubtedly his relationship with his wife was already barren before the girl came along, but the old wife had now become the second woman. She knew it. It hurt her deeply. But she didn’t want to be the “unspiritual” one, expressing jealousy where there was no reason, suspecting evil of a wholesome ministry. Shouldn’t she be willing to sacrifice her life caring for others? She probably even feels guilty for having these secret doubts, for questioning her devoted husband. She stood alone and sad, suffering in martyred silence.

The many letters I have received from women just like this emotionally-spurned wife came to mind. It lit a fire in me. Mike was busy entertaining nearly a hundred people. I had to try to help Little Miss see the error of her ways. Marriage is sacred and she needed to understand this.

Debi confronts Little Miss

I suggested that the relationship she shared with her self-appointed mentor was not natural and certainly not good for the marriage. I felt the cold chill she emanated. She had something precious for the first time in her life and it felt so good. How could it be wrong?

I explained to her that young girls who are coming of age have a deep-seated need to be loved and appreciated by a man. I told her that all young women have a soul yearning to be tenderly understood by a man who listens to their deepest feelings and shares their hopes and longings. I explained that when young couples marry the girl has this profound need, but her young husband’s need for spiritual union has not yet been awakened. He is thrilled with the fulfillment of physical intimacy, and he might feel a touch of the emotional attachment, but almost none of the spiritual connection. The soul-bonding for which she yearns is not likely to be satisfied until the marriage has matured. To most young brides the husband appears clumsy and unfeeling. But as the wife continues to obey and reverence her young husband, he will grow in appreciation for her soul, and in time learn to care for her emotional and spiritual needs.

Adam knew his wife and she bare a son. The intimacy of marriage is viewed as knowledge. This soul bonding we are discussing is not knowledge of the intimate, but it is intimate knowledge—soul knowledge, which is the real essence of marriage. It is emotional and spiritual copulation, to be shared with that one special person to whom you are married. Anyone that has ever experienced this “knowledge” in their marital relationship knows why marriage is sacred, holy, honorable, and used by God as a picture of Christ and the church. God calls it a “great mystery.”

Marriage done according to God’s plan is glorious. Having known this glory firsthand, I wrote Created To Be His Help Meet, wanting other women to know it was within their grasp to have a glorious marriage. A man instinctively responds to a woman who reverences him, especially so if she honors him in the early years of their marriage, before time has polluted the waters with her bitterness.

I explained to Little Miss that having even a small part of this “mysterious relationship” with another woman’s husband, especially in her own home, in front of her, is exceedingly cruel and evil. To take any part of this intimacy away from the couple steals from the marriage the preciousness of the sacred. I told Little Miss I had observed her and Old Dude sharing this emotion/spiritual intimacy.

Little Miss responds

Little Miss said I didn’t understand. She explained that she did indeed have a deep spiritual and emotional intimacy with Old Dude and that he spent many hours alone with her, but that Mrs. Old Lady understood it was necessary for Little Miss’ healing since she (the girl) had been cruelly cloistered all her life.

Dear reader, do you believe the old wife appreciated the time and emotion her husband expended on the young girl? Well, I didn’t either, so I patted the empty seat beside me and asked the girl, “If the man’s wife sat here in this seat and told you that the intimacy you have with her husband was disturbing to her, that it was hurting their marriage, would you then move out?”

Already touching her spirit, I knew what the answer would be, but I wanted the girl to understand she was indeed not innocent. I wanted her to see she was willingly, even forcefully, going forward with a relationship that was hurting this marriage and this poor wife.

I was amazed that without the least bit of shamefacedness, the cold-hearted Little Miss looked me squarely in the eye and said, “I would have to think about it for a while, but I know that I would not let this woman’s problems get in the way of his ministry; besides, I have nowhere else to go.”

She was unrepentant and hiding it behind the excuse of having no other place to go. I can fix that. So I called over a single woman who works for NGJ and lives with another single girl in a four-bedroom house. I asked my friend if she would be willing to allow Little Miss to move in with them. My friend smiled and said, “Of course.”

“Now,” I happily told Little Miss, “you have a safe haven with two very fine Christian girls; you can get out of the compromising situation you are in.”

There was just the tiniest irritation that showed on her face as she replied, “I would need to think about it before making such a move. I would not make a snap decision. So, no, I would not move away from him at this time.”

I explained that by staying she was making a snap decision. She was choosing to stay with another woman’s husband. Her stare was unblinking as she coldly replied, “Are you finished? Because if you are, I will go now.”

I really had no choice. If there was ever going to be any change to this situation then she had to understand the full ugliness of her actions, so I drove home how depraved and self-centered she was to do such a thing as to interfere with the sacredness of marriage. Little Miss sat there as if I were complimenting her on her dress. The damage had already gone too deep for her to care. After all, Old Dude was an experienced man of knowledge.

Looking at her blank expression, I knew it was already too late to change her mind.

I reminded her that marriage is sacred and anything or anyone coming between that sacred union needs to be gone. Little Miss was clearly wedged in the crack that was obviously in an already shaky marriage. Being cloistered might have been bad for her, but now she was party to damaging the sacred.

When I saw she was not interested, I said, “I have learned an important thing about you today; King David, when rebuked by Nathan, fell on his face in confession of sin. The readiness to repent when confronted is the mark of a true believer in Jesus Christ. But,” I told her, “if you wait until sin is no longer convenient or pleasurable, you will end the relationship with regret, but not with repentance. Regret brings shame. Girlie, it will come to you soon enough, and you will need a place to flee. Don’t come here. The invitation for a place to stay is closed. I would not trust a ‘regret’ girl around this ministry.” I walked off amazed and saddened.

Old Dude confronts Debi

Sometime during the next hour, as I visited with other families, Little Miss found Old Dude and told him of her conversation with me.

Later that afternoon Old Dude challenged me.

When I tried to explain the problem he proudly admitted that he “was caressing her soul” to bring healing to her. He went on to explain that he was “highly skilled and trained in the art.” How sick. Neither he nor his massaged girlie admitted they were in sin. He is a spiritual rat. She has joined his rat club.

If the pattern holds and he doesn’t leave his wife for the younger woman, when Old Dude wearies of endless discussion with the Little Miss concerning her inner-self, he will try to arrange a quick marriage for her with some hapless, insecure young fellow, thus proving how spiritually right he was all along. I feel sorry for the poor young man who happens to marry Little Miss, because he will never be able to satisfy her heart. A young man will by nature lack Old Dude’s refined experience and will leave her feeling empty. She will yearn for Old Dude’s skillful caressing of soul and live in a “what if” haze of dissatisfaction the rest of her miserable life. Please warn your young men not to step into a situation with a girl who has been under the tutelage of another woman’s husband. Spiritual sin is doubly damning.

Observations

So that day my counsel fell on concrete, hard soil. Nothing I said was appreciated by any of the above. Old Wife was very apprehensive of Old Dude being angry, so what I said made her more fearful. Old Dude was full of prideful lust at his ability to soothe Little Miss, so what I said made him very angry indeed. Little Miss finally had someone to care about her. It didn’t matter that he was old. It didn’t matter that she was stealing from another. It didn’t matter that she was tramping with the sacred. I believe she would have signed a pact with the devil to keep things as they were.

My last hope was to inform her parents of her plight and make amends in order to save their daughter, but when I asked for names, they all refused. So parents reading this, if you recognize your son and daughter in this story, know that we do not support this ship jumping and have done all we can to stop it, but to no avail.

Lessons learned

What did I learn from that terrible afternoon?

If you are a young woman:

  • Don’t play coy with someone else’s husband, not even just a little bit! It is so commonplace that most people pretend it’s natural. It is ugly and evil.
  • Don’t seek out a married man for counsel. If you need counsel, do as the Scriptures say and seek out an older woman.
  • Don’t cause a wife any reason to feel insecure. Judge yourself, that you be not judged.
  • Don’t place yourself under the authority of another woman’s husband, including that of your pastor. Know for a certainty that you don’t belong there.
  • Marriage is sacred. Treat it as such. There is enough divorce happening without you assisting in another.
  • If you are a young woman in a cloistered situation, beware of jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Staying in the frying pan is much to be preferred, for you can always jump when a clean alternative shows itself.
  • Do not move into another family’s home against the cautions of others, even if the wife invites you. You remember that Little Miss’s younger brother cautioned his sister against moving in with Old Dude. Obviously the young man saw something that was not right, yet she chose to ignore her brother’s concerns.

I also learned about spiritual rats:

  • Spiritual rats can dirty up anything.
  • Don’t allow someone to foul up your life.
  • Don’t be party to anything that plays careless with the sacred.
  • For every happening in your life, watch and pray. Always keep in mind that you are living a spiritual battle. The things you see and the people with whom you are involved are not as simple as you might think. What you see as just a man, or an event, or a pastime, in reality, might be orchestrated by the rulers of the darkness of the world, the spirit of evil that stands against all that is holy and righteous.
  • Live like you believe this!

The Bible says in Ephesians 6:12–18, “We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armor of GOD, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, And having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of GOD: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints:

Michael gives his two cents

Men, I have been in the ministry since I was seventeen years old. In my youth I saw several ministers whom I respected fall into sexual sin. I took it as a warning. When I was about 21 years old, I was called to pastor an Independent Baptist church, where I continued in a very successful ministry for the next four years, baptizing hundreds. I remained unmarried until I was 25. During that time I developed a reputation for not touching the ladies, young or old. I never went to a woman’s house alone. I never counseled a girl or woman alone and never in my office. I never hugged a female over four years old. Everybody laughed about it. I responded with a verse of Scripture, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (1 Corinthians 7:1). After I was married I continued to be careful to “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thess. 5:22). When any woman tried to tell me her marital troubles, I stopped the conversation and went to get my wife. We listened together. I have never allowed any kind of a personal relationship to develop with any female.

Why? To avoid fornication. It has worked. I have remained true to my wife in body and spirit for 40 years. Many haven’t because they trusted the flesh. And the Bible has taught me that all flesh is corrupt. There is no sanctified flesh, only dead flesh, and it continues to act dead when we don’t resurrect it, with sweet faces and vulnerable spirits finding their way into our hearts.

The man above, “caressing” the spirit of this young girl, is walking on slippery ground. It is an impossible situation. His wife knows it is not right. The girl’s brother knows it is not right. Only the two souls bonding in common think it wonderful. “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death” (Proverbs 14:12). (The article Impotent Relationship further illustrates this important truth.)


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42 comments on “Cloistered Fruit”

  1. I am sickened after reading this. The arrogance of this "man" reminds me of my "grandfather" who sexually molested and incested his daughters from the time they were 5 until the day they moved out. He was just as self righteous and pig headed as this old dude. To this day he still thinks he's done nothing wrong ~ absolutely revolting. His entire family has abandoned him except for his pathetic wife who wouldn't dare make him angry. Sounds familiar. This story just proves once again how desperately girls need a Godly man in their lives to start them on the right path toward finding a
    Godly husband. This old dude is anything but that ~ he is being led by the devil himself. That poor stupid girl is ruining any chance of a future she might have had. Too bad she didnt listen to her wise brother. No doubt this old dude will "have" to teach her how to have sex before she gets married, too. DISGUSTING!!!
    Let me just tell you, growing up with a mother who was sexually and emotionally destroyed, was miserable. I am now 37 yrs old and I cannot have a relationship with her to this day because she is so damaged and unwilling to see it. It flows over into every area of her life, and I dont want it flowing over into my life and my childrens.
    I pray for her constantly, and that is all I can do with her.

  2. I am sickened after reading this. The arrogance of this "man" reminds me of my "grandfather" who sexually molested and incested his daughters from the time they were 5 until the day they moved out. He was just as self righteous and pig headed as this old dude. To this day he still thinks he's done nothing wrong ~ absolutely revolting. His entire family has abandoned him except for his pathetic wife who wouldn't dare make him angry. Sounds familiar. This story just proves once again how desperately girls need a Godly man in their lives to start them on the right path toward finding a
    Godly husband. This old dude is anything but that ~ he is being led by the devil himself. That poor stupid girl is ruining any chance of a future she might have had. Too bad she didnt listen to her wise brother. No doubt this old dude will "have" to teach her how to have sex before she gets married, too. DISGUSTING!!!
    Let me just tell you, growing up with a mother who was sexually and emotionally destroyed, was miserable. I am now 37 yrs old and I cannot have a relationship with her to this day because she is so damaged and unwilling to see it. It flows over into every area of her life, and I dont want it flowing over into my life and my childrens.
    I pray for her constantly, and that is all I can do with her.

  3. Wow. This situation is like what occurred with a friend of mine years ago. She was lonely, her dad wasn't in her life, she wanted a man in her life. She "fell" for the married pastor over the ministry she was involved in. Her adoration was much better than what he got from his older wife. My friend wouldn't listen to any of her friends that warned her about her sin, and now she's "happily" married to that man.

    My heart hurts for the sin she chose, the lives beyond just her own she affected, like her husband's first wife and son. It leaves me with a chill when I think of the whole thing.

  4. Wow. This situation is like what occurred with a friend of mine years ago. She was lonely, her dad wasn't in her life, she wanted a man in her life. She "fell" for the married pastor over the ministry she was involved in. Her adoration was much better than what he got from his older wife. My friend wouldn't listen to any of her friends that warned her about her sin, and now she's "happily" married to that man.

    My heart hurts for the sin she chose, the lives beyond just her own she affected, like her husband's first wife and son. It leaves me with a chill when I think of the whole thing.

  5. Thanks for telling the story. It obviously touched you both deeply. It is so tempting to be adored. Sometimes it takes courage to NOT be someone's hero. Love you both!

  6. Thanks for telling the story. It obviously touched you both deeply. It is so tempting to be adored. Sometimes it takes courage to NOT be someone's hero. Love you both!

  7. Michael is right - as a man he is being responsible with his covenant marriage, protecting it as if him being in right relationship would keep him in right relationship with the Lord, because that is really what is happening here. old dude's conscience is so doubly seared that he probably can't even hear a leading of Holy Spirit at this point. it gets so gross when people walk in sin and call it righteous in Jesus' name. my husband tells it like it is, "I don't have a women's ministry." period. thank God for real men of integrity.

  8. Michael is right - as a man he is being responsible with his covenant marriage, protecting it as if him being in right relationship would keep him in right relationship with the Lord, because that is really what is happening here. old dude's conscience is so doubly seared that he probably can't even hear a leading of Holy Spirit at this point. it gets so gross when people walk in sin and call it righteous in Jesus' name. my husband tells it like it is, "I don't have a women's ministry." period. thank God for real men of integrity.

  9. Unfortunately most parents do not prepare their children for what emotional affairs are. It is terrible and sad. My daughters will know about it for sure. Ive seen it in my life so much, and Ive seen how it creeps in so 'innocently' at first. But in the end it is as bitter as one could imagine. People know it's wrong, they are just led by the flesh because the pleasure has sucked them in, and NOTHING will convince them to stop, short of God's mighty intervention.

  10. Unfortunately most parents do not prepare their children for what emotional affairs are. It is terrible and sad. My daughters will know about it for sure. Ive seen it in my life so much, and Ive seen how it creeps in so 'innocently' at first. But in the end it is as bitter as one could imagine. People know it's wrong, they are just led by the flesh because the pleasure has sucked them in, and NOTHING will convince them to stop, short of God's mighty intervention.

  11. Some of the best advice my husband and I ever received was don't ever make an emotional attachment with the opposite sex. Like, "yeah, I'm going through that with my husband like you're going through that with your wife. O, I'm sorry I'll be there for you through this comfort." That's the start of an affair. Very true, thank you for the truth!

  12. Some of the best advice my husband and I ever received was don't ever make an emotional attachment with the opposite sex. Like, "yeah, I'm going through that with my husband like you're going through that with your wife. O, I'm sorry I'll be there for you through this comfort." That's the start of an affair. Very true, thank you for the truth!

  13. Emotional Affair. It is real. It is painful. It is sick. We need to prepare our children to not only guard their bodies for their future marriage, but also their HEARTS. When we share our hearts with another, on a deep emotional level, sharing some sort of love or passion in life that two people "understand" and appricate together... the seed of desire is planted. Better to up and run quickly, then wait around to see if the seed takes root and begins to grow. Our hearts must be carefully gaurded if we want to keep ourselves above reproach. Temptation can pop up again later in life with not only those you have had physical intimacy with, but almost moreso with those you have shared your heart on some deeper level.

  14. Emotional Affair. It is real. It is painful. It is sick. We need to prepare our children to not only guard their bodies for their future marriage, but also their HEARTS. When we share our hearts with another, on a deep emotional level, sharing some sort of love or passion in life that two people "understand" and appricate together... the seed of desire is planted. Better to up and run quickly, then wait around to see if the seed takes root and begins to grow. Our hearts must be carefully gaurded if we want to keep ourselves above reproach. Temptation can pop up again later in life with not only those you have had physical intimacy with, but almost moreso with those you have shared your heart on some deeper level.

  15. If the folks this article was written about happen to be reading these comments [not that you asked], I just wanted to tell the young woman that the Lord's grace is sufficient for you right now and in your future. He [and no other] will restore your soul; He will lead you in paths of righteousness for His name sake [and no other]. He will care for you all by Himself. Offer your heart and mind and body to Him alone in hourly worship. Read Hosea and Ezekiel, even the dirty parts, with humility. You are in there, as I am, and anyone who is truely loved of God.
    And to the dear married Lady, "I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, From whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: He that keepeth thee will not slumber...The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: He shall preserve thy soul." Psalm 121
    I have learned not to despise His patience and longsuffering.

  16. If the folks this article was written about happen to be reading these comments [not that you asked], I just wanted to tell the young woman that the Lord's grace is sufficient for you right now and in your future. He [and no other] will restore your soul; He will lead you in paths of righteousness for His name sake [and no other]. He will care for you all by Himself. Offer your heart and mind and body to Him alone in hourly worship. Read Hosea and Ezekiel, even the dirty parts, with humility. You are in there, as I am, and anyone who is truely loved of God.
    And to the dear married Lady, "I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, From whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: He that keepeth thee will not slumber...The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: He shall preserve thy soul." Psalm 121
    I have learned not to despise His patience and longsuffering.

  17. One more comment...
    I read internet comments on articles I track about 3 times a year, and, if you want to talk about something disgusting, about 90% of these are as such. No Greater Joy is a ministry equipped to teach and admonish. It seems that most folks think they can participate in this ministry by reactions [comments]of appalling and gross judgement. What good do they do? Do you think the Pearls will look on you with a nod and bow of favor, and you are now justified in your righteousness? {I say this because there was a time when I sought such from such before I was justified.] Do you think that those of whom you speak will now enter into repentence?
    I say again, I have learned not to despise the patience and longsuffering of God.

  18. One more comment...
    I read internet comments on articles I track about 3 times a year, and, if you want to talk about something disgusting, about 90% of these are as such. No Greater Joy is a ministry equipped to teach and admonish. It seems that most folks think they can participate in this ministry by reactions [comments]of appalling and gross judgement. What good do they do? Do you think the Pearls will look on you with a nod and bow of favor, and you are now justified in your righteousness? {I say this because there was a time when I sought such from such before I was justified.] Do you think that those of whom you speak will now enter into repentence?
    I say again, I have learned not to despise the patience and longsuffering of God.

  19. Thanks for sharing this. I have sought answers to ? along this very line for a very long time and as we have a situation in our church along this very nature, it could not have come at a more opportune time. God bless.

  20. Thanks for sharing this. I have sought answers to ? along this very line for a very long time and as we have a situation in our church along this very nature, it could not have come at a more opportune time. God bless.

  21. Thanks for writing this article. A friend shared a dream about a man pastoring young women in their 20's which was "upside down" in the dream - in other words perverted. Turns out my good friend is a wife to a man who believes he has God's blueprint to a one-on-one and then group discipleship with young people in their twenties - including girls. We heard two of the girls have been praying that God would "take" his wife so his ministry would not continue to be hindered by her. She almost died a couple of weeks back and now is too weak to barely walk around her house. This is really a serious matter from what I see it and have been in intercession about it. We have talked to both the husband and wife. She was trying to be a part of all his ministry with women. He hopefully appreciated his wife more now since he almost lost her. DG

  22. Thanks for writing this article. A friend shared a dream about a man pastoring young women in their 20's which was "upside down" in the dream - in other words perverted. Turns out my good friend is a wife to a man who believes he has God's blueprint to a one-on-one and then group discipleship with young people in their twenties - including girls. We heard two of the girls have been praying that God would "take" his wife so his ministry would not continue to be hindered by her. She almost died a couple of weeks back and now is too weak to barely walk around her house. This is really a serious matter from what I see it and have been in intercession about it. We have talked to both the husband and wife. She was trying to be a part of all his ministry with women. He hopefully appreciated his wife more now since he almost lost her. DG

  23. For years growing up in a foster home, and as an adult, my foster mother would treat us (my sister and I) badly.We couldn't understand why, since she is the one that wanted us in their home to beging with. Your article showed me why she behaved and currently behaves like she does. I feel like we were an emotional
    "Hagar" in a sense being given to my foster dad, since she must of been very emotionally empty and still continues to be. Which brings me to my question. Should I confront my foster parents with this? My dad still continues to confide or 'share' with me, things that are unhappy about his marriage and wants my intellectual comments on spiritual insights or topics he finds interesting. This article was an answer to prayer and many tears. Since I always felt there was 'something' wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it.

  24. For years growing up in a foster home, and as an adult, my foster mother would treat us (my sister and I) badly.We couldn't understand why, since she is the one that wanted us in their home to beging with. Your article showed me why she behaved and currently behaves like she does. I feel like we were an emotional
    "Hagar" in a sense being given to my foster dad, since she must of been very emotionally empty and still continues to be. Which brings me to my question. Should I confront my foster parents with this? My dad still continues to confide or 'share' with me, things that are unhappy about his marriage and wants my intellectual comments on spiritual insights or topics he finds interesting. This article was an answer to prayer and many tears. Since I always felt there was 'something' wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it.

  25. I became so sick as I read the story above because the very same thing happened in our home and it tore our family apart. I pray the wrath of God will come down on that selfish "Old Dude" and wake him up before it is too late for him and the "Little Miss".

  26. I became so sick as I read the story above because the very same thing happened in our home and it tore our family apart. I pray the wrath of God will come down on that selfish "Old Dude" and wake him up before it is too late for him and the "Little Miss".

  27. The whole situation sickened me as it did everyone else. I kept reading, waiting for the part when Michael Pearl runs the Old Dude off his property. I don't mean that to be sarcastic, I just thought it would happen. I thought the Old Dude was an obvious predator, and he should have been the one sat down at great length and admonished concerning his greater responsibility to his own wife than to a cloistered damsel. Thank you for addressing such an "icky" issue.

  28. The whole situation sickened me as it did everyone else. I kept reading, waiting for the part when Michael Pearl runs the Old Dude off his property. I don't mean that to be sarcastic, I just thought it would happen. I thought the Old Dude was an obvious predator, and he should have been the one sat down at great length and admonished concerning his greater responsibility to his own wife than to a cloistered damsel. Thank you for addressing such an "icky" issue.

  29. I appreciate your boldness, your wisdom in this situation and all others you share. Your love for the truth of the Word of God compels me and my family on a continually basis, and I do thank God for you both everyday.

  30. I appreciate your boldness, your wisdom in this situation and all others you share. Your love for the truth of the Word of God compels me and my family on a continually basis, and I do thank God for you both everyday.

  31. Women also need to be careful to not allow themselves to build an emotional bond to other women! That goes for men too. Save emotional intimacy of any kind for marriage. Too many women think they need women's ministry or women's groups or ladies Bible study to remain sane or whatever you want to call it. They go and share "prayer requests" masking gossip about their family life or troubles with another "brother or sister" or whatever...breaking the 7th and 9th commandments and destroying themselves and their relationships around them, the worst of all, their relationship with the Lord. It is so sick to hear ladies talk about how "touched" they were by the latest women's meeting or Bible conference while their kids run around with their hearts swimming in worldliness and selfishness. They need their moms at home ministering to them and their dads on their home mission field, training the children up in the way they should go and giving her all to her husband.

  32. Women also need to be careful to not allow themselves to build an emotional bond to other women! That goes for men too. Save emotional intimacy of any kind for marriage. Too many women think they need women's ministry or women's groups or ladies Bible study to remain sane or whatever you want to call it. They go and share "prayer requests" masking gossip about their family life or troubles with another "brother or sister" or whatever...breaking the 7th and 9th commandments and destroying themselves and their relationships around them, the worst of all, their relationship with the Lord. It is so sick to hear ladies talk about how "touched" they were by the latest women's meeting or Bible conference while their kids run around with their hearts swimming in worldliness and selfishness. They need their moms at home ministering to them and their dads on their home mission field, training the children up in the way they should go and giving her all to her husband.

  33. When I was much younger, I felt the same way about women's meetings of any type. I felt that women who participated were obviously neglecting their home and family. Now many children and grandchildren and of course many years later, I have seen that some women have experienced abandonment and betrayal in their marriages. For them, the fellowship of women has been a lifeline of support graciously provided by their Heavenly Father. I'm thankful that God remembers them. Men also may need other brothers to share with and be encouraged, especially if they are struggling with sexual sin. A certain level of intimacy of course would be involved between men who are accountable to one another.

  34. When I was much younger, I felt the same way about women's meetings of any type. I felt that women who participated were obviously neglecting their home and family. Now many children and grandchildren and of course many years later, I have seen that some women have experienced abandonment and betrayal in their marriages. For them, the fellowship of women has been a lifeline of support graciously provided by their Heavenly Father. I'm thankful that God remembers them. Men also may need other brothers to share with and be encouraged, especially if they are struggling with sexual sin. A certain level of intimacy of course would be involved between men who are accountable to one another.

  35. Uuuughhhh, that RAT! Disgusting. And you're so right: "If you are a young woman in a cloistered situation, beware of jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Staying in the frying pan is much to be preferred, for you can always jump when a clean alternative shows itself." Cloistering is bad, as you've said yourself elsewhere, and late twenties? What a time to be suffocating a young girl. But this is far worse. And..do we know for sure if she was cloistered? Maybe the old rat just put some thoughts into her head and played the isolationist. Regardless, even if her parents weren't physically abusive, if they were spiritually so, it was time for her to go SOMEWHERE; I'm not sure I'd recommend her returning home. Then again, like you said, unless they were physically abusive, how could they stop her from living the way she wished if she returned home? They couldn't; the worst they could do would be to throw her out, and then she'd just be back where she started, lol, with better options to turn to than old rat, as Debi proved. You guys are right, and I do agree with you fully. Excellent article, and great humor.

  36. Just to point out that it doesn't have to be this extreme. It can also happen innocently enough with a father and daughter, and a mother who is very jealous if her daughter has any time with her father at all and does not support a Visionary man for example. The girl reads Created to be His Help Meet and needs to practice listening encouragingly - because she has no example from her mother and she sees her father failing in everything he tries through lack of support. The father then bitterly resents her getting married though he knows it's best for everyone and feels completely abandoned and lonely, and the girl feels guilty but doesn't know what she should have done except ignore her father as her mother does? (Her husband by the way appreciates her listening to him rant and she would not be able to without years of practice while emotionally unattached.)
    I would like to point out for anyone reading - I don't think the Pearls have addressed this either, that if the well meaning parents of the "cloistered fruit" had taught their daughter the Fruits of unrighteousness instead of just the Fruits of the Spirit, (assuming she is concentrating on making sure she feels the love, joy, peace, etc.) she would know what the words "Adultery" and "Fornication" (talking or spending time with the opposite sex in an inappropriate way) and "Lasciviousness" (indulging in whatever feels good) means. Christian Parents must teach their children about sex! I see this over and over and over again, "Christians" may home school and educate their children about every other subject on earth and produce brilliant scientists, child carers, workers, etc. But Christian children are completely and utterly ignorant about sex and relationships. Daughters may be taught ideals of joyous marriage from the time they are 5 all they want, but it does not keep them from being raped by a curious brother or friend who "should know", but has never actually been told by his parents what he is doing or desiring or that it has an appropriate place and time and how to bring sexual hormones in prayer to God to control until the right time. My Christian Home-school high school Biology text book did not even cover basic human reproduction, and heaven forbid any child to ever ask their well meaning absurdly self respecting parents anything! If you aren't verbally slapped down, you certainly will be made to feel how inappropriate even basic questions on anything to do with that subject will ever be. This is a serious and dangerous inconsistency that Christian parents must be made aware of and get over their own discomfort of talking about in a responsible mature, God centered way. No wonder so many young men and women raised in Christian families rebel, and even if they don't - because they are so appallingly ignorant they plain ol' don't want a virgin, they want someone to learn from not patiently endure while they try to figure it out. This may be too blunt, At the risk of not saying anything you may reword if necessary, but better still - write an article addressing this serious gap in Christian home school education.

    1. Hello Sandra,

      There is no doubt that a situation does not have to be as extreme as this to be a problem.

      You appear to be unfamiliar with much of the NGJ material. Mike frequently addresses the subject of letting even younger children see the ugliness of sin and unrighteous and the consequences. I suggest that you listen to the Sex Education for Children and Young Adults and Marriage where he addresses these subjects on audio teachings. Debi has even written 2 books, Samuel Learns To Yell and Tell and Sara Sue Learns To Yell & Tell as warning against sexual predators. Both are currently Top 10 Sellers on the NGJ Webstore and have 4 Star Rankings on Amazon. Apparently your exposure to Christian homeschool families must be extremely limited. Ideally, discussions of sexuality and the dangers of sin should be so common as to render unnecessary the dreaded “talk” that usually never gets discussed in most families. It appears that you were cloistered. If children have not been exposed to discussions about sex (preferably as normal conversation) by high school, putting it in the biology book is too little too late. The public schools are the perfect proof of this where parents are relinquishing the responsibility of teaching their children about sex to the incompetent state with disastrous results.

      You were not too blunt and I hope that my response has not been too blunt.

      Sincerely,
      NGJ Staff

  37. So how does one, specifically a young man go about pursuing a young woman who is in this kind of predicament. When her mother tries her best to manipulate her daughter in thinking negative about the person that is pursing her?

  38. Hi NGJ/Debi
    This old dude is full of horse feathers for sure. What a clear illustration of the deceitfulness of sin and the trickery of the flesh. I wish I could not relate to her at all but unfortunately I can. As someone who suffered abuse and violence from a very young age, it took me a long time to identify the predators in life and build defenses against them. Sometimes the most cunning and deliberately wicked people are those who have the most godly and wonderful front; they can seem so gentle, honorable and servant like that if you told on them no one would believe you. I experienced several instances of predatory older adult men in my teens and very early twenties, and I didn't have very good defenses against such things nor understand how to discern the significance and meaning of various actions and words. I was also biblically illiterate and like most of today's Christianity had no clue how to think biblically. I was so undeveloped as a person that for instance if one of these "old dude" types came on to me, I would often feel validated by it and blush with pleasure, not realizing that this person intended me ill not good and should be run from post haste. Sadly, my mother often made much of men paying attention to me because that's how she got a sense of worth herself, by being desired and found attractive. Her own life was very unhealthy as far as such things were concerned and she either knowingly or unknowingly, basically coached me in a form of spiritual harlotry. That's how warped and broken my inner boundaries and understanding of reality was. However ,as sad as my life was, the result due to human depravity was that I was just as selfish and sinful myself and did not realize it though I was plenty angry with my family for their sin against me. Hmm. Sound familiar? I agree with Debi though, Little Miss's need for affirmation and attention does not justify her sinful sense of being entitled to take it from someone else. Basically this is what the bible calls unforgiveness and revenge. Because SHE has been denied what she needed and SHE is hurt, she is now entitled to meet her needs however she can and free to treat others with the same contempt and disregard that she has been treated with. Except the flesh has dressed it up in the language of victimhood and legitimacy. I hope someone knows who they are and puts a stop to this charade before more evil occurs.

    One thing I am interested in hearing more on is the portion about what Debi said about her being a regret girl. If I understand rightly, when we do not obey when the Spirit convicts, however or whoever He uses to bring that conviction and we continue in our sin until we've sucked whatever temporary pleasure or satisfaction out of it we can, then we do not have the satisfaction of having obeyed, only the regret of having failed knowing we've been rebellious and disobedient and spurned God's grace, which as Debi said brings shame. Debi indicated that she would be regretful but not repentant and that she would not rust a "regret girl" around the ministry. I imagine this is because she was not willing to deal with the issues of her heart when confronted and so these issues would still be present and thus leave her open to another wrong relationship or possibly even a snare to someone else? I think most of us can relate to having regret because we forfeited the opportunity to obey when we should have and instead carried on in a sinful situation, sometimes involving others as well. However ,the tone of the article seemed to suggest that she was permanently in this place. Is repentance not possible for little miss even though she did not let go when she should have? How could she get there? What would Debi and Michael need to see in her to know that she had moved from regret (bummer, it didn't work out the way I wanted it to so I will now try another door) to repentance ( Oh, how could I have been so callous and selfish as to inflict this pain on another person to meet my own needs? I acted like a heartless cannibal and I despised God!) How could she get there? I'm quite interested in the nuts and bolts of how someone can move from having a corrupt heart like this into a state of real repentance. ( not the candy apple kind being so regularly dispensed these days). Thanks for your time, I hope this isn't a dumb question.

    1. Repentance (as opposed to regret for either getting caught or from suffering the consequences) is manifested by a change in both attitude and behavior. If the hear has truly changed then the person will not only want things to be different but will do things differently. I suggest that you read the excellent book the Michael wrote on this subject, titled simply, "Repentance".