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Emotional Manipulators

May 15, 1995
Mother comforting her child

Just this week, a family was visiting us in the herb garden while their children played in the yard. The four-year-old girl seemed to be pouty and moody. For a while, she just watched the other children having fun, but didn’t participate. She was the smallest and often couldn’t keep up. After a time, making an attempt to chase after the others, she fell on the thick carpet of grass. She immediately began to scream as if the goat were eating her favorite hat. At the same time, she was doing a stumbling, “pitiful” run to her mother. “Poor child.” The mother, drawn by the desperate, defiant screams, did what all mothers are expected to do, she sympathetically rushed to her “wounded” child. The four-year-old psychologist was well aware that, with others looking on, the mother’s reputation was at stake.

Though it was not outwardly visible, I knew that the mother was irritated at her child. She didn’t really feel sympathetic. She was probably thinking something like this: “What’s wrong with the little brat now? She’s such a crybaby. I know she is not really hurt. Why does she pretend to be?” And then the guilt feelings hit the mother and she lies to herself: “Oh well, she is just a little thing and even though there is no scratch or bruise, and the ground is not hard, maybe she is hurt.”

The mother intuitively knows that what she is hearing is not a cry of pain, but of protest.

The mother intuitively knows that what she is hearing is not a cry of pain, but of protest. She can’t sort out all these feelings and facts, so she pretends to be concerned. The mother’s pretense and buried feelings are putting steam in the boiler that will later, in private, boil over into anger and irritability toward her child. The mother, in this situation, actually doesn’t like her child. This causes her to feel inadequate because she knows that her attitude renders her unfit to properly mother her own child. The fact is, the thing that irritates and even disgusts the mother about her child is actually a developing character flaw in the child.

By the responses of the mother, this little girl has been trained to be an emotional manipulator. When she can not get her way, she will pretend to be hurt — or take a small hurt and make it into a big one. The mother will rush to the child and tell the other children to let her play or to not run off and leave her. This further compounds the sibling relationships because the other children don’t feel kindly toward a “crybaby” who forces limitations on their play.

When the child begins to scream her defiance or hurt, the mother should just ignore her. Don’t be moved by it. Don’t pick her up. Tell her that there is no reason to cry, so go away and play. If she demands treatment, ask her if it hurts. If she says yes, then reach in your purse, pull out a terrible tasting herbal potion and give her a spoon full. After she gets through gagging on her vitamin and mineral supplement, tell her that she is now completely healed and invite her to come back for another dose if she again gets hurt. If you don’t have an herbal remedy, use something that is very unpleasant, yet good for the child — like apple cidar vinegar with garlic.

Don’t laugh while she is looking. Remember, you are doctoring a serious attitude problem. Three doses is guaranteed to forever cure emotional manipulators and also prevent the development of future hypochondriacs. If crying and running to mom does not advance her own agenda over others, she will learn to make her own way and accept the normal unfairness and hardships of life. Everyone will like her better, including her own brothers, sisters and parents. Furthermore, she will be happier.

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24 comments on “Emotional Manipulators”

  1. This article was not saying to not comfort a truely hurt child, rather to not comfort one who was throwing a tantrum.
    That turns kids into little selfish tyrants when you give them what they want everytime they ask for it.

  2. Oh, dear. BMW Princess and others like her, please listen to Pastor Pearl. Note that Princess says, "hurt or UPSET." If you respond with attention and sympathy every time a child is upset, you are training them to be upset. You are indeed teaching them to be emotional manipulators. No, they don't have it defined so clearly in their minds at first. They only note what makes you respond the way they want and give them what they want. But it doesn't take long for it to become a life-long career. Please don't burden your little ones (and their future loved ones) for life. Assess the situation and instruct them to act accordingly. Sometimes "You're fine. Stop crying and go play," is the kindest, most caring response you can give your child.

  3. LOL...you guys are AMAZING! I would have never thought of such an awesome remedy to drama queening! Now if I can figure out how to apply that to a child who is a little older with more subtle tantrums... 🙂 Actually the last time my daughter tried to manipulate me with pouting, we had a very logical discussion about her feelings and I tried to show her how to control her feelings by reasoning with herself, and she really hasn't pulled another stunt like that again. LOVE your article and your ingenuity!

  4. Comforting the cries of a child does not make him or her an emotional manipulator. and for Mr Pearl to suggest this mother hates her child and has made her into a manipulator is repulsive. why not just smack the child and get over it? No, please, give comfort and care to a small child, even if it's an emotional pain and not a physical pain. Jesus would not flip a hand at a child and tell her to go away, would He?

  5. Perhaps in this situation if mom assessed the situation and actually addressed the real problem here, which is that the little girl felt left out, or wasn't used to playing with others, or whatever else - and talked to the child about it, she wouldn't need to force foul potions down her throat in a lazy attempt to avoid actually teaching the child anything useful. Children learn to resolve conflict, both internal and external, by using their intelligence.That is, if they are taught to do so. And if they are too tired or upset to listen, then maybe it's time for a nap. I agree that children can be taught to be emotional manipulaters. But if your only recourse against being manipulated is to deceive the child into behaving in the way you see fit, then perhaps you should reassess why you had children in the first place.

  6. ACV is extremely good for you, make some apple sauce and add a tsp per cup- feed it to your family! It's awesome!

    Left alone even without garlic it has a bitter taste that does not go away until you eat something else! It works very well on children. Michael was not saying bc lazy- look into his teachings and advice. This man is NOT lazy when it comes to parenting! I am always rereading things bc I am lazy, and I find myself trying to reason with a 3 year old...

    I use the ACV as a teaching tool for consistent disobedience. I have only ever had to use it 2-3 times. EVER. It's not hurtful to the child. It teaches them to avoid repeating unacceptable behaviors.

    Go ahead and cater to your children, you will regret it later. Michael Pearl may say things that rub you the wrong way, or convict you (causing you to feel defensive). But he has raised some amazing kids, his advice WORKS! and I have so much respect for him.

  7. My one concern is this: what if, after giving your child a couple spoonfuls of whatever, they run off again and truly do get hurt, but they don't come to you because they are afraid of just getting another spoonful?

  8. Yes, because the Pearls can read minds, they know the mother better than she does herself!!! "Though it was not outwardly visible, I knew that the mother was irritated at her child. She didn’t really feel sympathetic. She was probably thinking something like this: “What’s wrong with the little brat now? She’s such a crybaby. I know she is not really hurt. Why does she pretend to be?” And then the guilt feelings hit the mother and she lies to herself: “Oh well, she is just a little thing and even though there is no scratch or bruise, and the ground is not hard, maybe she is hurt.”

    The mother intuitively knows that what she is hearing is not a cry of pain, but of protest. She can’t sort out all these feelings and facts, so she pretends to be concerned. The mother’s pretense and buried feelings are putting steam in the boiler that will later, in private, boil over into anger and irritability toward her child. The mother, in this situation, actually doesn’t like her child. This causes her to feel inadequate because she knows that her attitude renders her unfit to properly mother her own child. The fact is, the thing that irritates and even disgusts the mother about her child is actually a developing character flaw in the child."
    Um? The gall? Seriously? If any of my three "brats" falls and "injures" themself, hello, yeah, I'm going to rush to their side to heal their hurts, real or imagined.
    I was raised the way Michael Pearl describes parents should raise children, ignoring their cries for help, ignoring the tears of pain. It made me feel that no one cared if I was hurt. It turned me into a woman diagnosed with OCD, depression, and anxiety.
    My kids fall down and get pretend injuries? I'm going to smother them with my love. "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
    Mr Pearl needs to read 1 Corinthians 13:7-8 before he spouts off his "child behaviour" tips.

    1. I can tell by the description of yourself you were NOT raised the way Michael Pearl teaches. Your parents may have claimed that they were following his methods(or something similar) but they were not. There was no love, ties of fellowship or true concerns for the child's well being, their emotions or their soul. Just an obsessive focus on looking "good" on the outside to please peers and self pride.
      I am sorry you were abused/neglected in the name of good parenting but do not confuse what your parents did with the whole parenting style that the Pearl's teach.
      this article in no way demands that a parent ignore cries for help, real physical pain or even real emotional pain, just pouty emotions.

    2. You obviously do not like the Pearls and their parenting philosophy, so why did you even read this article? I am sorry your childhood wasn't that good, but I raise my children using quite a bit of the Pearls advice and I can assure you my children feel the more loved than the average child. They are extremely well-rounded children and I couldn't be more proud of them.

  9. Gotta chuckle at the mixed comments here. After six kids there is a real difference between real physical pain, genuine emotional distress and pouty not getting my own way or not being the center of attention emotions.
    Reacting to the selfish stuff just causes more yuck. Catering to every emotional hiccup does not create a secure comfortable child. It creates whiners and string pullers. If you save tenderness for the real distresses your child will feel safe in coming to you.
    No I have not always done it right but for the most part our children are well balanced, not moody or manipulative. (I tend to not be able to see the toddler/preschooler manipulations as easily as I can in the other ages ranges)

  10. Haven't read the article yet but i can gather what is being said.

    1. a simple honest answer from a parent can stop the whiner "i'm not interested in comforting you now because i don't think you really have any pain" child uses logical mind and finds out that mom doesn't like whiner

    2. spank all tantrums. they are not allowed in our house. http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com

    3. giving into a manipulator is the same as giving into a crook. "awww mom i only took some bubble gum from the store, you shouldn't make me have to give it back and say i'm sorry'.....translates into "aw mom I only made money aborting 50,000 babies in one year, i don't really hurt people they give me money".....translates into "aw mom, can't i just divorce that man. Since I was on the birth control pill and he was alcoholic i can have my way"...translates in to 'aw mom, my wife has cancer can't i just let her die alone."

    4. make/allow them to lift the heavy grocery sacks into the house and enjoy it with a smile. remind them no pain......no gain. make them do everything perfect in the home/farm with a smile 25 times without parental observation.

  11. No child should be neglected or ignored when they are truly suffering, and this article is not advocating that behavior. A child does need her mother when she's actually hurt or upset, but she also needs her mother to recognize when she is faking and manipulating...and to not allow it. A child who has learned to manipulate his or her parents is a child who is in charge. Kids aren't stupid; they know very well that they really aren't old enough to be the boss, even though they want to be, so they push to see if the parent will take over. When the parent gives in, the kid discovers the key to getting his way: manipulation. They are well aware of the parent who is likely to be a pushover, and many kids will take advantage of that. Even though the child is manipulating, there's a part of him/her that is saying, "Yes!! I got what I wanted! But I wish you were in charge." Some of the most insecure kids are the ones who are in charge. They may act over-confident or tough, whiny or selfish, but when someone cares enough about them to not let them be boss, their behavior improves...along with their self confidence. They no longer have a need to fake or manipulate. What I've seen and experienced in almost 27 years of being a parent is that when a child knows his or her parents are the ones in charge, he/she feels secure....assuming the parents are loving and kind. At the same time, a loving and kind parent can accidentally create a selfish, manipulative child simply by not recognizing--or denying--manipulation when it's happening.

  12. Sadly, much of these parenting tips here are terrible for the mom and the child. A whining child or hurting child is signaling that they don't know how to handle the situation described. An engaged and caring mother, not a manipulated one, will consider the child's personality and the circumstances and use these moments to teach the child ways to constructively handle difficulties and disappointments, not leave them alone to fend for themselves. Consider how God treats us as he tells us what we need to do, lovingly shows us what he wants from us, and reminds us when we forget. If we are obstinate, then He can become more direct in His discipline, but first choice is gentle teaching, forgiveness, patience, and grace.

  13. As I nurse I am just horrified by this article. First, by pretending to give medicine the mother is being just as emotionally manipulative as the kid. Indeed, more so since the preschooler does not understand the motive for her own behavior while the mother deliberately manipulates. When the kid gets older he/she will catch on and respect the mother less for it.
    More importantly however is the health danger. The mother is making her child AFRAID to approach her when there is a serious problem. Parents on this blog seem to believe that they will always know whether or not their kid is seriously ill or injured. This is not always true. I know cases where even doctors have believed that a patient was delusional or malignering and it turned out to be a serious health problem. In one case, cancer. Rarely a preschooler can have what appears to be mild cold symptoms that can be a serious bacterial infection that can kill a kid in a few days. Right now I personally am suffering from a surgical complication that happens in only 1% of cases. How dare a mother take a chance!
    It is similar to seat belts. If one permits a child to ride without a seat belt or car seat 99% of the time nothing will happen but if G*d forbid the car stops short and the child is injured the parent will be (rightly so) be prosecuted for child neglect.
    In most cases kids want more independence that they can handle and do not want to rely on their parents once they pass about third or fourth grade. If we strive to be ever approachable and sympathetic our kids will want to confide in us and will be more willing to accept our guidance, not because they fear us but because they truly will understand that there is nothing more important to us than their welfare and that we speak only out of love.

  14. Why is it so much about spank ,punish, behavior change and so little about heart change, confronting a child with God's Word ? I think "Instructing a Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp can clarify some issues addressed on this site...Thank you.

  15. As always the Pearls see it all black and white, " if you don't do it our (extreme) way your kids will be manipulative brats that no one wants to play with"
    There is a happy medium:)

  16. I can tell you that regardless of whether boy or girl some are better at figuring out how to manipulate people around them. Some learn how just by watching Mom or Dad or whoever is an influence in their lives. When the children are young, you cannot ever think that you can reason with them. Training will forcibly steer them in the way they should be going, otherwise they will go where their own little tainted minds lead them. When Mr. Pearl says that "more is caught than taught", he is absolutely correct. If as a parent, you do not or cannot recognize the difference and wisely correct and train your children, they will become more of an irritation to those around them and no one will want to play with them. And it is just as wrong to try to force someone to play with a child like that, sibling or not. It will cause all manner of relational friction to fester and grow if not taken control of.
    When I was younger I wanted to correct my children's behavior but had no idea how or what I was doing wrong. I simply wanted my children to be a delight to the adults around them, never mind the children. The first teaching I came across was by the Ezzo family. I do not remember what it was called but that started the wheels turning. They taught the basics of the what and why. Then the Lord put Mr. Pearl's teachings in my hands and my entire outlook changed. He taught the HOW. Many people don't understand how much real work should go into training their children thus the results they get are lackluster. The heart of the parent and his/her attitude is extremely important. Not being lazy is important. Mom's are usually the nurturer so unless we get a backbone accompanied by wisdom, our children will suffer for it later in life, and so might we.
    My children are not perfect, but neither am I. I have 4 boys. Thankfully, I was able to homeschool the last 3 for most of their lives and utilize the Pearl's teachings. The oldest had become a manipulater of everyone, young and old, mostly under the care of someone else. Although I deeply regret not training him correctly from the start, I understand my mistakes, and thankfully he and I still have a relationship. He still manipulates other people but knows Momma doesn't budge. One can definitely see the difference in the way the other three were trained.
    I know of someone else, who had 4 children, 2 boys, 2 girls. The oldest boy was pampered everytime he got himself into trouble, blaming others for his trouble, crying whenever he perceived a wrong, and running to Momma for 'comfort'. And still does it to this day, magnified many times over as an adult. Let's just say, his Momma suffered for years until she died because she didn't want to make him work at fixing his own problems, and most of his family doesn't want anything to do with him anymore either.
    I keep hearing about "Love" in the comments. The real kind of love helps you work at training your children well and develop true decent character so they will be integral parts of society, not a burden nor annoyance to others. It is not an easy road, but well worth it in the end. Whatever little things your children do when they are young will grow and magnify themselves many times over when they become adults.

    1. " If as a parent, you do not or cannot recognize the difference and wisely correct and train your children, they will become more of an irritation to those around them and no one will want to play with them. And it is just as wrong to try to force someone to play with a child like that, sibling or not. It will cause all manner of relational friction to fester and grow if not taken control of."

      I agree that kids need to be corrected and trained in the way they should go. The thing is - it is possible to raise respectful and joyful children without the adversarial relationship the Pearls teach.

      People may be born in sin but this doesn't mean their first impulse is to do wrong. They want to be a productive part of society and just need to be shown how. If kids are approached with this perspective gentle and effective parenting is possible.

      Jesus is concerned with our hearts far more than our outward behaviour because as he changes our hearts our behaviour naturally follows. I don't see grace or love in the Pearls method.

      And yes- my kids, although not perfect, are sociable, respectful and joyful children.

  17. Mr. Pearl's method of stopping manipulation may work, but he's missing an opportunity to teach the child to communicate. After running a daycare in my home for 13 years I've seen all types of personalities in children and all types of parenting styles. There's more than just one way to teach something, just as there's more than just one personality type. I've found that oftentimes a child will cry when she can't express herself. I would prefer to see the mother help her daughter learn to say how she's feeling: "You're mad because _______________. You feel ________________________." Many many times the child will immediately stop crying. After they are calm the mother can say "You need to___________________" and give a simple remedy or just simply distract the child with another activity. I tell the children they won't have friends if they only cry and don't talk. Just discovered this website today and I think it's awesome.

  18. The story presents a mother but does not actually talk to the mother - only observes and assumes.

    Comforting a child when he or she is hurt or upset is NOT emotional manipulation. Treating a child like this is bound to make the child more needy, not less.

  19. J, why do you keep coming to this site and commenting when all you do is display how much you disagree with Michael Pearl with every comment!

    If you really don't like him that much, why don't you stop reading the stuff he writes if your just gonna criticise other people in the comments!