Handling Sibling Aggression - No Greater Joy Ministries

By Michael Pearl and Debi Pearl

A reader asks, “How do you handle sibling aggression, fighting over toys, etc.? How do they learn to handle situations and not run to mama? How does mama learn not to intervene?”
Firstly, recognize the right of private property. If two families shared the same yard, they would soon fuss over how it is to be used. If six families had joint ownership in one car, how long would they go before fighting? Don’t expect your children to show a level of maturity and sacrifice that few adults ever display.
Where it becomes a problem, permit no joint ownership. Do not force a child to give over his rights. The owner has prior rights no matter who had it first. That settles 95% of the conflict before it arises. If there must be joint ownership, then it will have to be handled on a lease bases; it belongs to Jack in the morning and to Jill in the afternoon, or some other easily manageable plan. We want them to learn to give up their rights, but they can’t give up rights which they never have. Giving up is voluntary, which means they can not be pressured into compliance and still reap positive character development. If neither of them has a right to possess it, neither can give over. To give a child first come first serve right to everything in the house is to create a false world view. It makes whiners and breeds aggression and selfishness. It does more for character building to voluntarily recognize someone else’s right and give up the coveted object than it does to get to it first and selfishly possess it for no other reason than a timely possession. “How do we handle aggression, fighting over toys?” If it is a fussing, pulling match, establish ownership. If there is no owner, lease it out or throw it away. However, if a child resorts to actual violence, hitting, biting, kicking, shoving, etc., then the violence should be dealt with by rebuke, exhortation, and a thorough spanking. Children must be taught that violence is never an acceptable alternative in personal conflicts. The rod with rebuke is a most effective teacher.

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3 responses to Handling Sibling Aggression

Amanda

I really enjoyed this article. I always thought that if one kid has something then they get to play with it because they had it first. How do I deal with other kids coming over and take something from one of mine?
What is the deal with “sharing”? do we make them share theire toys with others, or just let them be? Thanks

# March 4, 2010 Reply
Darcy

My youngest two boys (out of 5 boys) ages 9 and 7 have at least 2 physical fights a day and I am trying to decrease their “Brotherly Love”
I ended up reading the last portion to my nine year old son who interupted me and said “So to teach us not to use violence on each other, your supposed to use violence on us.That doesn’t make sense.” The logic of a 9 year old who has never nor ever will be “trained” is 1,000 better than most adults. Children should be nurtured and guided not trained. Siblings will have their squabble’s (I had them with my sisters).
I downgraded some of the fighting by not hitting or yelling but trying to prevent them. If the toy is the object of the arguement, then buy 1 for each of them and then they each have their own (write initials on the bottom in permanent marker).
When a fight does occur, seperate them, kiss boo boo’s, and call it a day. This all part of normal daily lifel.

# July 8, 2011 Reply
Shawna

Not sure kissing the children for fighting will discourage their violent behavior. Also, what would you do if you didn’t have the resources to just go out and “buy 1 for each of them”? Again, rewarding poor behavior. I appreciate your son’s observant mind pointing out the irony of hitting to stop the hitting, however, there doesn’t seem to be much logic in your methodology either. 2 fights a day?! Cause them some discomfort and you may see better results. Respectfully….

# September 2, 2011 Reply