Comments on: Learning Our Place as Wives http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/learning-our-place-as-wives/ Over 500 articles from Michael and Debi Pearl on Child Training, Homeschooling, Family, Marriage, Christianity, the Bible, Missions, Simple Living, Gardening, and other topics! Fri, 18 May 2012 19:40:56 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Michelle http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/learning-our-place-as-wives/#comment-1591 Michelle Thu, 26 May 2011 14:50:01 +0000 http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?p=459#comment-1591 All your comments make me so sad. Your relationships sound like they involve a whole lot of control and not much love or respect. I used to be married to a controlling man and my happiness hinged on making him happy. I completely lost my personality without even realizing it. Thank god he left me. I am now free to be the person that god made me. All your comments make me so sad. Your relationships sound like they involve a whole lot of control and not much love or respect. I used to be married to a controlling man and my happiness hinged on making him happy. I completely lost my personality without even realizing it. Thank god he left me. I am now free to be the person that god made me.

]]> By: Charles Smith http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/learning-our-place-as-wives/#comment-1590 Charles Smith Thu, 12 May 2011 23:00:33 +0000 http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?p=459#comment-1590 It sounds as if both of you are married to It sounds as if both of you are married to

]]> By: Nan Miller http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/learning-our-place-as-wives/#comment-1589 Nan Miller Sat, 30 Apr 2011 18:57:03 +0000 http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?p=459#comment-1589 I'm wondering when a woman crosses the line from communicating desires in a Godly manner to becoming a nag. My desire is to respect my husband and be submissive, but I often feel like when I express a need or desire, he doesn't hear or realize how important it is to me unless I keep bringing it up. Examples would be things like wanting to paint the bathroom, start a garden, visit my parents who live 2 hours away, donate clothing to a charity, or volunteer at my church. Often, when I bring up things like this that I'd like to do, he doesn't give me an outright "no" but he's very reluctant to give the go-ahead too. Then, if he does consent, I feel guilty--like I've twisted his arm or something. Do I need to be asking permission all the time? People tell me I should just go ahead and do things without waiting for his consent. I feel like I'm viewed as a push-over (and I feel like one myself sometimes), but I really don't want to overstep my bounds and assert myself in a way that would not honor my husband. Debi Answers: Paint your own bathroom. Mike has NEVER painted mine. If you want a garden, then YOU do it. Dig up just a 4 x 4 space for one. Do it by hand. Go visit your parents when he is at work. Donate your own stuff to charity. If he wants to volunteer at church, that is his business. You can volunteer to work while he is gone. *********** I wanted to comment on this answer. The problem may be the husband does not want her to do anything she wants for whatever reasons. I have been married for 25 years and my husband did/will not let me do things that I want...no visiting my parents, no redoing the bathroom, not being in my siblings weddings, or visiting them, etc,,it is not an issue of doing it myself...he would be livid if I did such a thing. There are some women who are married to men that rule with an iron fist and that may the be the case with this woman. She would probably be thrilled if she could do it herself but is not allowed to. Her husband sounds like my husband ...he wont' always come right out and say no but beats around the bush about it and you know he doesn't want you to do it..so you don't because you are trying to be submissive, but then you never get to see your family or redo that bathroom or plant that garden...Just my take on this gal's question. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I’m wondering when a woman crosses the line from communicating desires in a Godly manner to becoming a nag.

My desire is to respect my husband and be submissive, but I often feel like when I express a need or desire, he doesn’t hear or realize how important it is to me unless I keep bringing it up. Examples would be things like wanting to paint the bathroom, start a garden, visit my parents who live 2 hours away, donate clothing to a charity, or volunteer at my church. Often, when I bring up things like this that I’d like to do, he doesn’t give me an outright “no” but he’s very reluctant to give the go-ahead too. Then, if he does consent, I feel guilty–like I’ve twisted his arm or something. Do I need to be asking permission all the time? People tell me I should just go ahead and do things without waiting for his consent. I feel like I’m viewed as a push-over (and I feel like one myself sometimes), but I really don’t want to overstep my bounds and assert myself in a way that would not honor my husband.

Debi Answers:
Paint your own bathroom. Mike has NEVER painted mine. If you want a garden, then YOU do it. Dig up just a 4 x 4 space for one. Do it by hand. Go visit your parents when he is at work. Donate your own stuff to charity. If he wants to volunteer at church, that is his business. You can volunteer to work while he is gone.
***********
I wanted to comment on this answer. The problem may be the husband does not want her to do anything she wants for whatever reasons. I have been married for 25 years and my husband did/will not let me do things that I want…no visiting my parents, no redoing the bathroom, not being in my siblings weddings, or visiting them, etc,,it is not an issue of doing it myself…he would be livid if I did such a thing. There are some women who are married to men that rule with an iron fist and that may the be the case with this woman. She would probably be thrilled if she could do it herself but is not allowed to. Her husband sounds like my husband …he wont’ always come right out and say no but beats around the bush about it and you know he doesn’t want you to do it..so you don’t because you are trying to be submissive, but then you never get to see your family or redo that bathroom or plant that garden…Just my take on this gal’s question.

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]]> By: Erin http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/learning-our-place-as-wives/#comment-1588 Erin Thu, 17 Mar 2011 18:54:21 +0000 http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?p=459#comment-1588 It seems to me that many women read Debi's articles about woman's role, and they take from them the idea that it is always up to the wife, and the man is always blameless. That is not a correct interpretations of her writings at all. She never says or implies that the man is never at fault. But it is a waste of time to discuss the sin of the husband with the wife, simply because she can do nothing about his sin and his attitudes except by fulfilling her own role. It seems to me that many women read Debi’s articles about woman’s role, and they take from them the idea that it is always up to the wife, and the man is always blameless. That is not a correct interpretations of her writings at all. She never says or implies that the man is never at fault. But it is a waste of time to discuss the sin of the husband with the wife, simply because she can do nothing about his sin and his attitudes except by fulfilling her own role.

]]> By: whitney http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/learning-our-place-as-wives/#comment-1587 whitney Fri, 21 Jan 2011 18:59:42 +0000 http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?p=459#comment-1587 I had to make sure i didnt write this question haha! It seems like exactly what im going through. Love my husband and all but alway feel like he will go to work, come home, play games on the computer, come to dinner, more computer, then goes to bed. I try so hard not to resent him or be nagging or disrespectful but there are times where my fuse just wont go anymore....especially with me being pregnant again and less energy to do things. My concern was the example he's having on our (almost) 2 year old. Thank you Mr. Pearl for answering that for me....as for me I am going to continue to pray for my husband and His relationship with the Lord. I had to make sure i didnt write this question haha! It seems like exactly what im going through. Love my husband and all but alway feel like he will go to work, come home, play games on the computer, come to dinner, more computer, then goes to bed. I try so hard not to resent him or be nagging or disrespectful but there are times where my fuse just wont go anymore….especially with me being pregnant again and less energy to do things. My concern was the example he’s having on our (almost) 2 year old. Thank you Mr. Pearl for answering that for me….as for me I am going to continue to pray for my husband and His relationship with the Lord.

]]> By: Lindsay http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/learning-our-place-as-wives/#comment-1586 Lindsay Sun, 31 Oct 2010 16:09:37 +0000 http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?p=459#comment-1586 I agree with you Amy. I read Created To Be His Helpmeet, which truly did help me, and started on my path to a heavenly marriage. Problem was: My husband didn't want me to be any of those things. Yes, he wants me to love him no matter what, and to honor him, which I do. But he never liked the idea of me obeying just for the sake of obeying, although if I know he is extremely serious, I do it. Actually, most of the time I just obey happily and get it over with, whatever it is. But he and I have talked about this book several times. He had me get rid of it, because he felt like it was taking his spunky, funny, loud, fiery wife away from him, and replace her with an obedient quiet woman. Not that I knocking women who are like that for their husbands, because you HAVE TO BE WHAT HE WANTS. My husband loves me very much and desires for me to have a say in all of our life's affairs. He wants me to tell him when I think he is wrong or making a bad decision. What Debi Pearl's wonderful book taught me was that I need to be very careful with how I present my viewpoint. I always start with, "In my opinion..." If he completely disagrees with me, I let it go. But he desires for me to be who I naturally am, just more lovely about it. We have a heavenly marriage, and I have gotten over a lot of bad teaching through this ministry, but that way does NOT work for our marriage. God's word is the SOLE authority on marriage and family. Nobody else. Debi has been a catalyst in the saving of many marriages, but for mine it did not work and my husband promptly put an end to me owning it. I obeyed and have worked very hard to stay being the woman he married three years ago. Reverance, honour, beauty, and respect are what my husband wants, but he desires it the way I GIVE IT. Blessings in the namer above all names, Jesus Christ. Lindsay I agree with you Amy. I read Created To Be His Helpmeet, which truly did help me, and started on my path to a heavenly marriage. Problem was: My husband didn’t want me to be any of those things. Yes, he wants me to love him no matter what, and to honor him, which I do. But he never liked the idea of me obeying just for the sake of obeying, although if I know he is extremely serious, I do it. Actually, most of the time I just obey happily and get it over with, whatever it is. But he and I have talked about this book several times. He had me get rid of it, because he felt like it was taking his spunky, funny, loud, fiery wife away from him, and replace her with an obedient quiet woman. Not that I knocking women who are like that for their husbands, because you HAVE TO BE WHAT HE WANTS. My husband loves me very much and desires for me to have a say in all of our life’s affairs. He wants me to tell him when I think he is wrong or making a bad decision. What Debi Pearl’s wonderful book taught me was that I need to be very careful with how I present my viewpoint. I always start with, “In my opinion…” If he completely disagrees with me, I let it go. But he desires for me to be who I naturally am, just more lovely about it. We have a heavenly marriage, and I have gotten over a lot of bad teaching through this ministry, but that way does NOT work for our marriage. God’s word is the SOLE authority on marriage and family. Nobody else. Debi has been a catalyst in the saving of many marriages, but for mine it did not work and my husband promptly put an end to me owning it. I obeyed and have worked very hard to stay being the woman he married three years ago. Reverance, honour, beauty, and respect are what my husband wants, but he desires it the way I GIVE IT. Blessings in the namer above all names, Jesus Christ.
Lindsay

]]> By: Bria Leach http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/learning-our-place-as-wives/#comment-1585 Bria Leach Sat, 31 Jul 2010 20:38:10 +0000 http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?p=459#comment-1585 This article helped me alot! I don't feel like everything falls on the woman in a bad way. The woman was originally intended by God to help her husband. My husband and I have only been married 5 1/2 years, but in my experience as a wife I've learned that women have a natural desire, in their flesh of course, to control things. I believe what I have learned in this article is that if I want to control something, I can control myself, instead of my husband. There are things I expect from my husband that I don't get or that he isn't enthusiastic about doing, especially when it comes to our young children and marriage talks. I totally agree that as long as I'm okay with how he is, that my children will continue to just love and respect their Daddy. When I feel like nagging and I feel resentment bubbling up, I try to remember that my husband is my children's example of God the Father. I don't want to teach them to blame God when life isn't going their way. The most ladylike and truly precious women I know are completely humble and meek. My greatest desire for myself (my daughter too)is that I learn how to adorn myself with that beautiful quiet and humble spirit that is so rare. My husband and I started on a rocky path in our marriage. We had no one to give us any biblical guidance about how to treat each other. I learned through prayer and leadership of the Holy Spirit and later on from my church family, that telling my husband what I want him to change doesn't do much good, because a husband is not made to take commands from his helper. I take my feelings to God and while many of them He sorts out as bitterness and helps me to let go, some things are things that He wants my husband to do, also. I learned a wonderful tip a while back that I like to hang onto! I am a wife, NOT the Holy Spirit. I may be able to teach my children, but my husband is a man, and doesn't need me to be his mother. God can change him, but I can't. I don't ever want to think as highly of myself again as to believe that I can do with my words what it takes God to do on our hearts. The book, "To train up a Child" has helped me SO much, a dear sister in the Lord lent it to me and it was such a revelation! My husband, who isn't big on reading, even enjoyed it and learned some things. He EVEN puts the learning to use. I prayed and God gave him the motivation. He started noticing that the kids listened the first time, and the whining had stopped, with the exception of when they didn't feel well, and wanted to learn more. Had I nagged him about it, it would've been a different outcome. I believe that God's recipe is better than any person's. If He says to treat your husband with respect and love no matter what, it will always be more beneficial that whatever I can come up with. God Bless You All! This article helped me alot! I don’t feel like everything falls on the woman in a bad way. The woman was originally intended by God to help her husband. My husband and I have only been married 5 1/2 years, but in my experience as a wife I’ve learned that women have a natural desire, in their flesh of course, to control things. I believe what I have learned in this article is that if I want to control something, I can control myself, instead of my husband. There are things I expect from my husband that I don’t get or that he isn’t enthusiastic about doing, especially when it comes to our young children and marriage talks. I totally agree that as long as I’m okay with how he is, that my children will continue to just love and respect their Daddy. When I feel like nagging and I feel resentment bubbling up, I try to remember that my husband is my children’s example of God the Father. I don’t want to teach them to blame God when life isn’t going their way. The most ladylike and truly precious women I know are completely humble and meek. My greatest desire for myself (my daughter too)is that I learn how to adorn myself with that beautiful quiet and humble spirit that is so rare. My husband and I started on a rocky path in our marriage. We had no one to give us any biblical guidance about how to treat each other. I learned through prayer and leadership of the Holy Spirit and later on from my church family, that telling my husband what I want him to change doesn’t do much good, because a husband is not made to take commands from his helper. I take my feelings to God and while many of them He sorts out as bitterness and helps me to let go, some things are things that He wants my husband to do, also. I learned a wonderful tip a while back that I like to hang onto! I am a wife, NOT the Holy Spirit. I may be able to teach my children, but my husband is a man, and doesn’t need me to be his mother. God can change him, but I can’t. I don’t ever want to think as highly of myself again as to believe that I can do with my words what it takes God to do on our hearts. The book, “To train up a Child” has helped me SO much, a dear sister in the Lord lent it to me and it was such a revelation! My husband, who isn’t big on reading, even enjoyed it and learned some things. He EVEN puts the learning to use. I prayed and God gave him the motivation. He started noticing that the kids listened the first time, and the whining had stopped, with the exception of when they didn’t feel well, and wanted to learn more. Had I nagged him about it, it would’ve been a different outcome. I believe that God’s recipe is better than any person’s. If He says to treat your husband with respect and love no matter what, it will always be more beneficial that whatever I can come up with. God Bless You All!

]]> By: Amy West http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/learning-our-place-as-wives/#comment-1584 Amy West Wed, 02 Jun 2010 13:16:28 +0000 http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?p=459#comment-1584 Sounds like the wife is as much a leader in the family as the husband, but in a different way. It's odd how she seems to be blamed more often in a marriage for a bad attitude than a man...his bad attitude being her fault, and her bad attitude being her fault also. Adam blamed the woman and God, but Eve blamed only the one worth blaming, Satan, though she still could have obeyed God. I sure would like to see some articles helping men make it easy for their wives and children to honor and obey with a smile. Why do men get to be accepted for all their anger outbursts and selfishness and the women and children have to be joyous about it while being blamed for it? The husband gets to have very high expectations of the wife and she must have no expectations of him. We are told we are weaker but are expected to be stronger, or else. I am getting worn out, but am so thankful for Isaiah 40:11, Gal.6:9, and Luke 18:1-8 and that there is no marriage in Heaven. I will take responsibility for my attitude only, and maybe the kids, but NOT my husband's. I can only try to make it easier for him to be the husband and father he should be by doing my part and treating all his positive behavior as a gift from God, which I do because all good things come from God. Sounds like the wife is as much a leader in the family as the husband, but in a different way. It’s odd how she seems to be blamed more often in a marriage for a bad attitude than a man…his bad attitude being her fault, and her bad attitude being her fault also. Adam blamed the woman and God, but Eve blamed only the one worth blaming, Satan, though she still could have obeyed God. I sure would like to see some articles helping men make it easy for their wives and children to honor and obey with a smile. Why do men get to be accepted for all their anger outbursts and selfishness and the women and children have to be joyous about it while being blamed for it? The husband gets to have very high expectations of the wife and she must have no expectations of him. We are told we are weaker but are expected to be stronger, or else. I am getting worn out, but am so thankful for Isaiah 40:11, Gal.6:9, and Luke 18:1-8 and that there is no marriage in Heaven. I will take responsibility for my attitude only, and maybe the kids, but NOT my husband’s. I can only try to make it easier for him to be the husband and father he should be by doing my part and treating all his positive behavior as a gift from God, which I do because all good things come from God.

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