When I was a young woman, the older women were always teaching me and all the other young women what it meant to be a wife, a mother, and a God-honoring woman. As I have gotten older, traveled to many churches, and talked with families, I have seen one overall theme everywhere I go. There are young women walking with God, trained from childhood to serve God so that one day they will make the best wives and mothers possible. They are ready, trained, and waiting for their man to come find them, but the men are not finding them. Why?
These girls are told to wait: He will find you . . . Stay home and help Mom with the kids . . . One day that perfect man will come along. But then he does not come and the girls become frustrated and, at times, impatient. The question I hear all the time is, “Where are the men?” Yes there are men, but few are real men—men who were raised to love God, work hard, and make good husbands and fathers. Why?
While mothers have been training their daughters to be good wives, many families stopped raising their sons to be men, instead producing overgrown boys. A large percentage of the boys/men over the last 30 years have been raised to serve the flesh. They were not raised to work; most are soft, sweet-talking, sissy boys. Some are cute and stylish, and silly girls think they are soooo good-looking. Other guys are backward, clumsy, going-nowhere types, and very uncool. But they are the same lazy, self-pleasing, big boys.
It is a very sad truth and I am sorry for you girls out there. I am guilty of telling girls to be patient, that he will come, to just serve God and wait for him to bring a husband. But the truth is there just might not be a man out there that God thinks is worthy of you. As a single girl, you can serve God. But as a married woman, you are told to serve your husband so he can better serve God.
“There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:34).
I know this is not what you want to hear, but God calls each of us to serve him first. For some of you it will be by serving your husband some day, but for others it might be serving God as a single girl. Start serving the Lord, and if God sees fit to bring you a husband, serve him with just as much joy as you served God in your unmarried state.
A Desperate Call to the Fathers Out There Raising Sons
Now as a mother with daughters, I would like to put out an appeal to all the families raising sons. Please teach them to work, love God, and be men—not big boys—so that when my daughters and other families’ daughters are grown, they can serve God through a God-fearing man. My husband and I are raising two little men of our own now. Parker is well on his way to being a man, and our new little one will soon be following in his footsteps. They say boys will be boys. I say little men will be big men.
Tip for moms raising sons:
Create a chart with your sons chores on it. Instead of mom bossing him around all day telling him what to do, creating tension and stress; he can be a man completing his own responsibility.
The absolute most effective way to train a boy to be a man is for his dad to do it, (Deut. 6). A son is not furniture. A son is not a pet. A son is not a trophy. A son is a priceless gift that needs to be trained to be a man by a man. The man should take his son everywhere on every occassion so that his son gets to see him live, work and play in a man’s world starting when that son is very small. (Daddies can change diapers in the truck as well as anybody.) It cannot be taught by reading a book. It cannot be taught by a mom. It the man is not willing to spend this time with his son…then do not have children. Deuteronomy six gives the best advice. Spend the time, answer the inevitable questions in real time and real world context.
And, while I am irritating alot of people….the vast majority of boys do not need to go to college and get a college degree to be successful or be able to support a family. Many, many, many boys are not wired academically…but they can really get their teeth into any number of hands on trades that pay well and are hugely rewarding in the areas that a man needs most.
If there is not a daddy in your home…then you need to find one that is willing to do the work…and lots of men are willing and see it as a high calling.
If a boy grows up without turning into a man, some employer has to try to do it.
The statistics demostrate that all of the major societal ills can be directly tied to the lack of a two parent household…and more specifically the lack of a dad. No eligible real men is a very real societal ill. It necessarily follows that a perceived lack of real men eligible for marriage is due to parents that didn’t hold their marriage together for any of a million reasons…the first probably being that they were not “real men or real women” when they got married or pregnant.
Do not think that moms are not vital in this process. I love my mom and I cannot imagine having raised my sons without my wife. Moms are hugely important in teaching perspective, gentleness, worth, focus and on and on. But, sons need to see dads be men in order to become men.
And do not underestimate the value of a dad in raising daughters to be real women.
I know I have irritated alot of people. I am sorry for that. I wrote this late at night and in a hurry so i can get in bed and then get up early. I have a business to run…a business that employs one of my sons (28, a full journeyman plumber, makng a wage that would support a family…single) and my son-in-law (also 28, a second year apprentice plumber, and good at what he does. He also will make a wage that will support a family…married). My other son IS in college and working hard to support himself and his wife. My oldest daughter has picked out a real man to marry. She waited mostly patiently and kept herself for the man she knew God was keeping for her. All my kids rode with me on calls. I never went anywhere alone…I always took at least one kid because somebody challenged me to raise my kids according to DT6. I changed diapers in my truck. I bought Happy Meals. I napped the kids on job sites. My kids learned how to behave in somebody elses home. They also learned from how those people acted. My kids saw me read my Bible…and would sit with me and listen to me read. They saw me prepare to teach my SS class, and I involved them in the process…they can look up verses for me! They saw me treat my wife well. They saw me fail, lose a business, break my back, lose my health, love my family, recover financially, coach a ball team, chair the parents committee at school, be a Deacon at Church, help my friends, hold my friend while they cried over huge hurts. I never vacationed without them. My wife and I never grocery shopped without them…it was a family outing. I out in the time.
I am not a hero. My Bible says that this is what daddies do…so I did.
I know a great many single parents doing the best they know how with the cards they were dealt. Do not give up! Find the balance in another Godly man or woman that is qualified and willing.
I hope you hear my heart and passion…not just my rather direct words…
As a Mother of a 22 yr old only son I would like to give my side of the story. My son is a college student. He wants to graduate @ the top of his class. The field he is in is very competitive. Therefore, he chooses to study more hours and work on projects than most so he does not have as much free time.
My son while in college does odd jobs to help earn money so he does not have extra money to spend on silly girls! Most girls he has met want him to take them to dinner and a movie with the intentions of going out with a different young man the next weekend. Also, other girls are aggressive and he has chosen not to put himself in a situation that would compromise his integrity. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking.
My son is a quiet young and does not draw attention to himself. In social settings he watches to see how she treats her parents and younger siblings. Is she kind? Considerate? Is she willing to do daily mundane jobs of endless laundry, dishwashing, sweeping, vacuuming without complaining? Does she smile and really enjoy the life she has now on the way to being a wife and mother some day? Is she learning and growing in the Lord? Is she willing to move out of state if mandated by his job? Is she willing to forsake all others? Does she spend endless hours chit chatting on the phone with her friends or texting or on facebook wasting her life away?
To be honest we came up with a plan. Any girl he meets that he is interested in or if they are in him we weed them out when they start flirting with him with intentions of being asked out. He asked if she would like to have pizza with his parents and play family board games one night. This is our/my son’s way of getting to know the girl and her heart and her intentions. All 3 girls have said “no.”
We PTL for His Wisdom of keeping foolish, silly girls away from my son.
I explained to my son there are young girls out there who (1) want to marry him to get out of their current situation not because they love him, (2) they will want to marry him for his money and anything he will buy for them (3) they will want to marry him til some one or something better comes along. They have no clue or wisdom or understanding of a lifetime commitment of learning growing up in the Lord.
***I think Preparing to be a Helpmeet is a wonderful ministry. I hope my son meets a young woman who has been trained in this area some day in God’s timing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtGcadeCevg
No Greater Joy ministries of Preparing and Created to be a Helpmeet has been a wonderful gift to young girls/women of all ages.
May the Lord Bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you.
I think that this article has some very good points, but I think that it is not focused enough on what really matters. I am a young single woman who in the past would have done anything to get into a relationship, but with time I’ve realized that’s not what the Christian life or a lady (or man) is about. I am so passionate for growing in my relationship with God that whether I ever get married is a very peripheral matter in my life. I’ve learned that the life of a Christian woman is not about all learning to be a good wife, homemaker, or mom and I think that can become overly emphasized in some circles. Let’s face it, there are a lot of Christian women today who will not get married simply because of a lack of good Christian men – it’s time to use our lives to glorify God in other ways. Our lives should be wholly about glorifying God which is the highest calling. I’m no longer waiting for a man to come into my life and make it fulfilled – God is everything I need and want!
This article highlights some things that I find very difficult to believe. Granted I was raised in an old mainline church in which I did not know Christ, but knew of Him. I did not meet Christ personally until I was in college . . . No, I did not stay home waiting for my husband! And I would not change a thing in my life with respect to having a college degree and career for several reasons. First, I met my God-fearing husband in college, we never would have met otherwise. Second, having a degree and career helped our family immensely; it afforded me the opportunity to stay home when we had our son. When my husband and I were both working my salary when straight to the mortgage; we had our house paid off before our son was born. Third, we have not had any financial pressures to contend with while raising our son, whom we’ve home schooled. Fourth, whenever attending a home school conferences I have cringed when I heard that the girls should just learn how to take care of a home. I find that absurd! One of the greatest comforts I have had is knowing that if something tragic were to happen to my husband, I WOULD be able to financially support my son and I (Yes, we also have life insurance). And after 9/11 we know tragedy can happen in an instant. Fifth, I know the thought process is that daughter learns to take care of the home and is not exposed to the negative influences of the workplace. I, however, felt that having been in the workforce I have never felt like I was missing something, which many young moms who haven’t worked feel . . . I was relieved to be home. Finally, as Christians we like to be in denial about this, but there are abusive men in the church and they often marry. Though we did not have a daughter, I would have absolutely HATED to have had her feel trapped and unable to work to get out of her situation. It’s an ugly reality, but abused women often feel they can’t get out of a bad marriage, because they don’t know how they would support themselves and their children.
Our son is now a godly young man attending college to earn a degree in engineering, following in the footsteps of his mother! My husband is a very practical, intelligent, diligent and godly man, but technology is NOT his domain, by his own admission, it is mine. Thank goodness I earned my BBA in Information Systems!
Is there going to be another part to this article? I agree with what has been said but would love to see more than giving my son a chore list. Is there a book you recommend for those of us who would love to raise Godly, strong men but are not sure where to practically start besides just reading the Bible.
There are several things parents can do to raise strong, Christian young men. It would take a book to provide a good outline, so I will only provide a few thoughts here.
1. For a young man to put his labor and effort into something, he must see that it has merit (to him, not just to you) and that it is attainable. The easiest way for a young man to recognize the benefit of work is in the physical realm. Every young man wants to be strong and God built our bodies to respond to the demands we place upon them. For a young boy, do some pushups together. Set a goal for a reasonable number just above what he can currently do. Work to attain that goal. Realize that growth takes place when you go beyond what you think possible. If a young child can do 4 push-ups with good form, then set a goal at 7. Expand the goal each time he reaches it. This applies to every area of life and it will be good for him to learn the process early. Later, include chin-ups and jumping rope. These are exercises where success is easily measured.
2. Certain good activities should be practiced daily. He should exercise daily. No, I don’t care if he wants to or not.
3. Mastering certain skills will teach the process of learning. Example: Shooting a bow, throwing knives and/or hatchets.
4. Focus on what is important. Yes, in the overall scheme of things bodily exercise profits little, but that snicker’s bar and soap operas don’t profit at all. Success in the early physical things can lead to success in other areas.
5. For school, focus on what is important. Math and science should always be a focus. He can read the history and literature on his own with little effort. Success in math requires a solid foundation and constant work. He is going to have to earn a living, and a sociology, art or history degree is almost surely not going to cut it. Boys need to work and play outside. Don’t expect a son to be a girl and want to sit in the house all the time.
6. Set goals high in every area of life and expect them to be met. A young man should be expected to excel mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally and financially. It will take drive on his part, opportunity to practice, try and fail, pick himself up and try again. Don’t drive him into the ground, but have high expectations of success. One or more good examples would be very helpful to a young man so he readily sees what success looks like.
7. Choose the best examples of successful manhood and seek to emulate what you see. A young man can analyze another man’s life and choose to emulate a particular area or skill. Anybody that has played of lot of sports can relate to this. For example, this certain basketball player has a good cross-over dribble, so I will analyze what he does and see if I can do it. However, this approach can be applied in any area of life. Take only the best attributes and leave the bad behind.
8. Before he has to care for a family, let him practice caring for an animal. He should know that he must care for those dependent on him. If he ‘forgets’, don’t do it for him. He doesn’t eat until they are fed, watered etc. No exceptions and no excuses. If he has gone to bed and didn’t take care of his animals, get him up to finish the job.
9. Don’t pity your child. Love him abundantly, but if you pity him, you will ruin him.
10. Never reward a young man with food. Food is not used to reward good behavior or console him for a loss. You don’t want him to be a fat slug, so don’t train him to be one. If you think I am wrong here, get over it, I am not.
11. Stock your house with material providing the best examples of manhood. Examples include the following books for young men:
GA Henty novels (Examples: “For the Temple”, “Beric the Briton”, etc)
Jim Kjelgaard books (Examples: “Stormy”, “Snow Dog”, etc.)
“Cowboy Boots in Darkest Africa” by Bill Rice
“Boyhood and Beyond” by Bob Schultz
Boy Scout Handbook
The Sowers series, biographies of great people (Robert Boyle, George Washington Carver, etc.)
12. Provide the best scriptural teaching you can get. I would suggest audio/video/text:
Mike Pearl’s material is good
Ray Comfort’s messages (Hell’s best kept secret, etc.)
Christian Science – Answers in Genesis, Kent Hovind, etc.
13. Mom’s and wives, reverence your husbands. It is fine to openly acknowledge success in any area of another man’s life. However, it is your husband and your son’s dad that loves and cares for the family. Your son should spend as much time with dad as possible. Let dad teach him what he knows best.
I hope this is helpful
Psalm 119:105
Thanks! I am copying and saving this in case I ever have sons.
Try “Bringing up Boys” by James Dobson.
The writer seems to anti male or at least ignorant of men. Many men just don’t want to get married and there is nothing wrong with that. An unmarried men is not automatically an overgrown boy because he is not married any more than a 30 yr old woman is a homely old maid because she is not married.
In all honesty most American girls are no taught to be good wives from a men’s perspective, so many American men look overseas. Maybe more American women should consider looking for a foreign husband?
Honestly, I have often wondered where that fine line is between trusting God to bring to fruition the desires of the heart (i.e. a husband) and realizing that perhaps–in God’s wisdom–He may choose to wean the human heart from those desires (as painful as that is) to bring him more glory in another way. I think we are seeing a real lack of both Godly young men and women these days, but it does seem that men in particular have suffered from our modern, blase, emotions-oriented culture. It seems to be incredibly difficult to find men who are not only Godly but value the practical implications of Godliness like a work ethic and moral purity. They are out there–and I’ve been privileged to know several of them–but truly good men are few and far between indeed. As a 27-year-old girl, it seems that most of the men who have asked me out fit into one of three categories: 1.) doctrinally sound on a mental level but with no clue about real-life Godliness (i.e. buried in 20-40 hours of video games/week, effeminate, or lazy), 2.) quasi-Christians who are struggling along with one foot in the world and one foot in church and sins such as cohabitation, divorce, etc. (These are the situations that just make you sad more than anything); and 3.) non-Christians (sometimes with high moral standards and sometimes not). As Christian ladies, I think it is SO important for us to pray and pray and pray for the men around us who are striving for Godliness. It’s an uphill battle for anyone, and all of us need all of the healthy support we can get. And I think it is also important to strive to be feminine in the ways we relate to men at work, school, church, etc. I’d also agree with Mike’s comments that it’s important to attend to practical matters like staying trim and actively pursuing a variety of interests.
As a 49 yo Christian guy who has been happily married to a wonderful Christian lady for 28 years, I would tend to agree with the premise of the article. The responses were also quite thoughtful. So, I posted a link to this article on facebook and it generated about 50 responses, some funny and some very thoughtful. I am sure there are a large # of good Christian guys who are ready for marriage, but I sure don’t know many. The guys that I do know who are ready, tend to be extremely deliberate. I also know some guys who believe they are ready for marriage, but I wouldn’t turn my daughter (if I had one) over to them.
One would think that eharmony and Christian mingle would be effective, but from talking to people who have tried them, they haven’t been as effective as we would hope. Some better avenues would seem to be needed. If you have discerning friends in other churches, ask them about potential spouses in their church congregations. Be aware that sorry guys can be tricky, so please be cautious and get good counsel from multiple people. I know examples of where great young ladies married trash that looked good on the outside.
Young ladies, while I don’t think you are the major problem here, I do believe there are some things you could consider to improve your ‘profile’. It would be helpful if you liked some of the things that he likes. For example, I know more guys who like to hunt, fish and swim than who like to play the piano. (No, I am not saying there is anything wrong with the piano.) Also, if a young Christian guy is extremely diligent, like you want him to be, then he is probably going to keep himself in good physical shape. Any sign that you are not, is not going to be viewed as favorable. After all, if you are not in shape while you are looking for a husband, how is it going to be after 10 years of marriage. Also, to a guy, the thought of exercising with his wife for years to come is somewhat pleasing.
As a single Christian young woman, this article bothered me. While I don’t think it’s right for girls to expect that they will get married if they stay home all the time and make absolutely NO effort to meet/get to know good Christian young men; I also don’t think it’s right to tell them “I am sorry for you…” and “there just might not be a man out there that God thinks is worthy of you,” especially considering the fact that you (Shalom) support the Preparing to be a Help Meet book. There has to be balance, but most of all I believe that a young woman needs to trust God with this. I do want to get married someday, but I honestly believe that if I never marry, it wouldn’t be because there was no one out there “worthy” of me, it would be because God’s best for me is to serve Him through singleness. It is definitely true that most young “men” these days were not trained to be real men, but there are still many good, godly single young men out there! Of course, you can’t guarantee that any given young woman will someday marry, there is nothing wrong with encouraging young women to wait for God to bring their perfect fit (if it is His best), just like God brought yours and many others’. Again, I think single women need to trust God with her desires, not fret about the number of good men out there. After all, there were no women IN EXISTENCE when Adam desired a help meet, and God made him a wife, bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh!!
Hi Lindsey, as much as I understand what you’re trying to say, I think what Shalom says in this article is a very true problem. It is not just in USA, it is also here in Asia, and many parts of the world. We need to call a problem a problem, and not sugar-coat it. Most churches are made up of mainly women. And if one is involved in young adults work, you would know finding a suitable husband for ladies is a problem nowadays, in USA, in Nepal, in Malaysia, in Singapore, etc. We need to be realistic and see what we can do about it. This is exactly what Shalom is telling parents, train up your boys! And of course girls too. The focus of the article is not “I am sorry for you…” and “there just might not be a man out there that God thinks is worthy of you,”. Of course, we also need to submit our marriage to God and trust God to bring about the right person. If we are to be single, we still praise Him and be fully contented and fulfilled. It is a caution for us parents to train up our children so that they can be Godly men and women.
Thanks for writing this post. I see so many African-American women going thru this. Waiting for christian men. It creates such a problem. At the last church I attended there were so many women in their mid 30′s approaching 40 and not married and wanting to be married but there were not enough suitable men. Then, when a man joins the church, they behave shamefully because he may be the one and there is so much competition. I met my husband at our former church. He is a very handsome God fearing man but I think he was over looked by the other ladies because he has a slim frame. When the crop of good christian men are at a low, we cannot let the trivial be so important. The day I found out I was having a girl, I started praying for my daughter’s husband. We women also need to be mindful of how we are raising our daughters as well.
Regarding a chore chart so mom doesn’t have to “boss the boys around all day”, I tottaly agree. As well as trying to find jobs with a larger scope for him to do. A job that he can see, organize his plan and carry out. The problem I have is that my 16 year old has trouble sticking with a job that he deems as unnecessary. He’s always there when you really need him but on chores I get the didn’t do it, then lied and said he did it but still didn’t do it , then did it 50 % , then finally (the worst) did it unwillingly with mom standing over. He is wearing me out and I think that may be the plan !