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Mail Bag - Bully

By Michael Pearl

[fiddle music]

Debi Pearl: Papa and I are going to record, so y’all go ahead and shut the door.

[door creaks then closes, children talking and laughing in background]

Voiceover: Welcome to vintage answers from No Greater Joy’s archives. We’ve all seen the buzz about bullying in the media. But what about our kids? What should we be teaching them about how to treat those who are disliked by others? Hear Mike and Debi answer the question of how to guide our more mature kids into making a positive difference in another child’s life.

Debi: Okay, well, we have another letter. Now this letter is from a thirteen-year-old boy, and I’m not going to say his name, so I’ll call him Bob. He says, “My name is Bob and I am thirteen years old. I listened to your tapes, No Greater Joy, and I like it a lot. I have one question to ask you. You talked about a boy that no one wanted to play with. So you said that the boy should learn to be liked. Well, there’s an eight-year-old boy at our church that I don’t like to play with when I don’t have to play with him. When he comes over to our house with his parents, I wonder, would it be okay to avoid him, just go to my room without him? But if there are other people at the house, how can we all avoid him (because the people we have over don’t like him either)? What can I do?”

Mike Pearl: [chuckles] Sounds like he’s a pretty mature thirteen-year-old. He obviously has a twinge of conscience, or guilt, of thinking in terms of avoiding the child. He feels like he has some responsibility. It’s true that no man lives unto himself and no man dies unto himself. And I’d say this older boy, with that kind of insight, should have some input into that younger child’s life. He should examine, ask himself the question, “Why do people not like him? Why do parents not like him?” And then he should set out to change the child, to mold the child, to see what his needs are. If the child is nerdy, or if he’s ornery, or if he’s a jerk, then involve him in his own personal play or activities in some way as to mold him. This would be a great learning experience for the thirteen-year-old, to take some leadership. If he begins at this point avoiding a smaller child, simply because he doesn’t like him, then, it could be a habit that he would carry through the rest of his life. We don’t live on this earth just to pleasure ourselves, but to minister to others. Now at other times we might advise withdrawal. For instance if it was a fourteen- or fifteen-year-old boy that was a problem, and the thirteen-year-old boy was swayed by him, or moved by him, then parents should avoid bringing them in contact with each other. But in this situation, where there appears to be some maturity in the thirteen-year-old, the parents should counsel him, encourage him, work with him, ask him how it’s coming along, and even go out of his way to, once a week, invite the child over, or to go to his house, and spend some time. This would be a great ministry and a great learning experience for this thirteen-year-old. What do you say, Deb?

Debi: I say, that sounds real good. I’ve seen that happen in our own family a lot. We, as a family, like to minister to the underdog, if you would say that. You know, we enjoy watching people grow, and my children have enjoyed that, and I think it has caused us to be better, more sensitive to people’s needs. When you pick up the person that doesn’t need to be picked up then you haven’t picked up anybody at all. Training a child to start helping others that just can’t make it, when they’re young, by the time they’re sixteen years old, they’re ready to start fulltime ministry. And so that’s what I would tell this young man, I would say, start being a minister of the Lord right now by ministering to this eight-year-old little boy. Reach out and meet his needs and find out why he is a child that no one likes, and then be his friend.

[fiddle music fades in]

Voiceover: Well, that wraps up this week’s archives. We hope you found it as encouraging as we did. Don’t forget to check out the specials at Cane Creek Corner.

[fiddle music completes]

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7 comments on “Mail Bag - Bully”

  1. thank you very much, i had a similar problem, i have a three year old boy and a six year old little girl(neighbor) likes to come to play with him because anybody else in the neighborhood likes her, she has a lot of bad manners and it is very selfish ,i just find out that she is autistic. but seems to me that she doesn't have anything like autistic children just bad parenting. thanks for your advice because is easier for me just to close the door and don't let her play with my boy..it is a challenge but i will try

  2. One of my favorite memories when my son & daughter were about 4 & 5: there was this girl that moved in across the street that was a year older and just kind of a grump. She came over a few times and the kids did NOT like her, so one day I said to them, did you know that you can change her just by being kind to her and being her friend (etc)? Well, she came over that day and the kids went out to play and about 5 minutes later my daughter came running up the sidewalk and thru the front door, and exclaimed, "Mom, it's working!!", and then ran right back out to play. I just had to laugh - kids are so amazing! The family moved out again not too much longer, so they didn't get to "practice" their kindness for too long, but what a wonderful lesson.

  3. I would love some very specific and practical ways to coach a 3.5 year old boy to not be excluded. The other kids in our small group seem to exclude him and think what intersets him is "baby-y". He also says that a big boy "fights" him. I am not sure if we should just change small groups or what. thanks

  4. My son(2) and daughter (4) are being bullied by another families 6 and 10 year old boys at church. One day one of the other boys was running to stand in front of my son. My son just went around him. The boy ran to get in front of him again. My son went around him again. This continued about five times until my boy finally became so frustrated that he hit the other boy. things like this are happening every Sunday. The other parents let their children run wild at church and don't do anything about their bad behavior. What do I teach my children to do in situations like this?

    1. If you are having problems with these boys bullying, I am sure other families are too. Band together to exclude repeat offenders (be quick to extend grace to the occasional offenders that might get carried away). Also, your son's response of standing up for himself just needs to be moderated not to resort to violence. Bullies general tire of attempting to bully others when they do not back down.