Question

Posted January 9, 2013

Hi, I have a question regarding relating to ladies who have an intense unfulfilled desire to be married. I was married to the most wonderful man ever when I was 21. I have a younger sister, unmarried, who is now 26 and has longed for marriage since her teens, as so many of us do. I try to be encouraging in regards to serving the Lord, seeking God’s plan for your life as a single woman, finding fulfillment in a relationship with Christ, etc. While sometimes the response is positive, I often wind up feeling like I am seen as insensitive and incapable of comprehending the her unfulfilled desires and emotions. I understand that this is possible, as it is true that I have never had to experience the long years of waiting. So is there anyone who might be willing to weigh in on the emotions that are tied in to a prolonged state of waiting, for those of us who want to come alongside and build up these sisters? Thanks.

Answers

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  1. blackwhitedenim

    Wow, it is so awesome that you care. A lot of my friends that have gotten married or into a relationship give off the vibe that they have left me behind in life. I’m not that old (21) but it feels like an eternity that I’ve been single with no potential man in sight. The past year I’ve really had to fight off depression and bitterness and anger. The few times I’ve had an older woman encourage me have been lifesavers. Just them acknowledging that fact that being single is hard and having some empathy means a lot to me. I can live off something like that for a long time.

    One thing that I struggle a lot with is the feeling of uselessness. I hold down a part-time job in ministry, play with two different (Christian) bands, attend a young people’s prayer/study group 1-2 times a week, but still don’t feel like my life has purpose some days. I think this comes from a deep-seated belief that the most important thing a woman can do is be wife and mom. I want to do something important. Somehow pushing papers and playing piano doesn’t seem all that world-changing. Paul says that the single woman can do more for God than the married one, but I can’t see how that works. I feel like other women have their hands full, and I look at mine and they’re empty. Then I cry out to God to just give me something to do so I don’t feel so useless. I feel like nothing I do can possibly be as ‘godly’ as raising children and serving a husband.

    Sorry, that sounded really sad. I think the best thing you can do is have sympathy and empathy. And don’t make her feel useless… try to find some common ground. Don’t try to make her feel better by trying to set her up with someone.

    # January 9, 2013

    • oreo

      I’ve always taken it that Paul meant the unmarried women could do more for God because they had more time to spend praying for and reaching out to lost souls because they didn’t have a husband to take care of. Granted some married women can do all those things too.

      # January 19, 2013

  2. 1butterflykisses

    How about you set aside some time for the two of you to hang out and have fun? Maybe just hanging out with her would ease her mind a little (do not bring up the subject of marriage).

    # January 13, 2013

  3. faithgrubb9a2faithgirl

    To me life is so short now and I’m learning to serve my family and God with a humble heart. The book “Good Wives” by Louisa May Alcott has really helped me. As well as “These Happy Golden Years” both young ladies went through a tough time of learning to serve family selflessly. I also know that if we single girls force ourselves and view it as the “serving-God” stage on our way to ‘blissful’ (I know it won’t be every minute) marriage! We have to learn that hard lesson.

    To me you are doing great. Just pray for her, us single girls REALLY need it. I often pray that God has someone praying for me. I, as a single young lady, have so many life decisions, even if they don’t have to do with a spouse. I am in constant battle (spiritually) if its over modesty, attitude toward family members, or posture around guys (that I like or not). I have noticed now that I’ll 21 next week, everything I believe, stand for, care about, etc. is being questioned not only by the world and I’m searching for the groves I fit in and the track I need to follow. PRAYER, PRAYER, PRAYER!

    Maybe your sister is past some of these ’emotional/conviction roller coasters’, but for some of us it will take years (me I’m pretty sure).

    Anyway prayer is what I see all of us young ladies need šŸ™‚

    # January 17, 2013

    • blackwhitedenim

      “…everything I believe, stand for, care about, etc. is being questioned not only by the world and Iā€™m searching for the groves I fit in and the track I need to follow.” -this is SO true for me as well. I look like a nice, solid Christian girl on the outside, but I don’t think many people realize how close I’ve come to giving up on following God. I thought if I did everything right and ‘waited, not dated’, read my Bible and prayed, I would get a husband in return. Now is the point where I could be a ‘grabber’ and satisfy the lusts of the flesh, or I could stick it out and patiently walk with God, even if that means being celibate my whole life.

      A lot of times I feel like a backslider. In my teens I was very careful to dress modestly, listen to only Christian music, be very ladylike and reserved in my interactions with guys. For example, I would never touch a guy. Now a side hug or handshake is okay. I would never ride in a car alone with a guy- now I let it happen on occasion. I used to listen to mostly Christian or classical music; now I just listen to whatever is on the radio that I ‘like’. I used to take pride in not ever wearing makeup/perfume, but now I do sometimes. I see this ‘selling out’ in a lot of Christian girls I grew up with, more or less. Some go to Christian college and spend spring break showing off their belly button ring. Some quit college, get a low-paying job and/or get married to a loser (but still get my ‘dream job’ as wife and mom). Some are totally sold-out for God and become missionaries. And then there are those like me who just waffle in the middle and wonder what to do next. I get so confused on whether I’m pleasing God with what I’m doing or not.

      That was a bit of a monologue… but point being, I totally get where you’re coming from with the emotional/conviction roller coaster thing.

      # January 19, 2013

    • gloriousday

      “emotional/conviction rollercoasters” I know exactly what you are talking about…. šŸ™‚

      # February 9, 2013