No Greater Joy Ministries » Art of Child Training

Pacification Parenting

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 17:00:38 +0000

Children begin life totally dependent upon someone else. Parents are gifted with a hormonal instinct to protect and nurture their young—a most compelling and satisfying drive. Nothing is required of the infant. We patiently tolerate crying, waking us in the night, throwing up all over us, and still we rush to meet their every need and desire. But, in about eighteen years, we will expect them to be totally autonomous souls fully responsible for themselves. That’s one crazy eighteen years, and who is sufficient for these things? Many kids are not ready to take responsibility when the time comes. Most are still not ready at thirty. Over half of the population never becomes productive members of society. They expect someone else to assume responsibility for their happiness—parents, government, labor union, spouse, or others. When life falls apart it is someone else’s fault. They make the perfect socialists in a welfare state that is presiding over its decline. How does this happen and what can we as parents do to guarantee that our sons and daughters grow up to be men and women with the dignity of responsibility and self sufficiency? Homeschooling is a good start, pretty much indispensable, but much more is required. There are many reasons why most kids grow up to be underachievers and over-demanders, but we are going to address the most destructive and universal. Parents fail to transition their dependent infants into self sufficiency. That transition should begin at about six months, when a child learns to feed himself, and it is a bell curve thereafter. Every day opens up new opportunities for the child to take responsibility for his life. By one year of age we expect him to wait and be patient. By the time he is two or three years old, he should begin taking responsibility for others in the household, performing family chores that serve the group, like picking up, washing dishes, cleaning, carrying in firewood, etc. His contribution won’t be much and will be harder on us than doing it ourselves, but it is indispensable to his training. A three-year-old should learn not to interrupt and to be respectful of the property of others, assisting adults in their chores. The six-year-old should be completely responsible to dress himself and clean his room, including changing sheets and vacuuming. By the time he is ten years old he should be doing the work of a man, and the ten-year-old girl should be able to replace her mother entirely, caring for her or others when they are sick. We are not talking slave labor; our experience is that of a happy, well adjusted child with a high sense of self worth as she plays her part as a contributing member of the social order. The Amish say, “Through about their third year children are dependent and require extra labor to maintain—a drain on the family. The four to seven-year-old pays his way, is not a drain but neither is he profitable. After seven the child is a profit to the family, yielding more than it costs to maintain him.” The more children there are in a family over seven years of age the more productive the family and the easier it is on the parents to make a living and maintain the home. That would be the experience of any farm family; it was the experience of our great grandparents. Family is a corporate endeavor, a place where children learn to accept responsibility and do their part for the group. The healthy family prepares children for the adult world into which they will eventually emerge, teaching them to become makers instead of takers, independent instead of dependent. They cannot become confident and powerful if they remain dependent on family, government, employers, or spouses for their happiness. Herein is the problem. It is twofold. First, the modern structure of the home does not lend itself to raising children to assume responsibility. Kids are not needed. How many families need their children to cut and split firewood? Who gathers eggs and feeds the horses and cows? How many are carrying and heating hot water for washing clothes or taking baths? How many must grind wheat and knead bread? There was a time when children learned responsibility from even the most ignorant and inept parent because the lifestyle placed demands upon them, a situation that no longer exists in 99.9 percent of our homes. Today, in our modern, automated, digital, industrialized world, children are treated like potted plants, watered and nourished, loved and displayed, but of no practical use. Second, and this is the subject at hand, parents are reluctant to make demands of their children that might cause discomfort. Today’s kid is overindulged and underengaged. Overindulged children are the product of pacification parenting. It is easier to appease and make happy than to instruct and constrain to responsible action. Today’s parents must make an effort to find areas of responsibility for the child, and then it has an artificial feel to it, leaving the child questioning, “Why should I have to do this?” When the child balks and is unhappy with doing his assigned duty, parents feel guilty or just find it easier to do it themselves. After all, the automated world in which we live does not provide a full day’s work for even one person in the family. And to complicate the situation ever further, many parents like the good feeling they get when serving their children. Overindulged children in their consumption are momentarily made happy and reward their benefactors with delightful smiles. Parents become addicted to pleasing because it feels so good. And to interrupt the little guy’s pleasure with demands is not going to feel good. Serving them beyond the time when they are capable of doing it themselves is a parent’s way of saying, “I love you; I wash your clothes; I pick up after you; I fix your meals and clean up while you play games because I love you. It makes you so happy when I do something for you, so I will be your servant and you will love me for it.” But there comes a time when the big kid is obnoxiously unthankful and expects love to come in the form of unconditional service. An undisciplined, overindulged child will grow up to expect society and family to make them happy with no painful contribution on their part. Their sense of entitlement grows with every unearned reward. Motel maids get more gratitude. The overindulged child is the undeveloped child and becomes the incompetent adult with poor social skills and a lousy self-image. Parents are the only hope children have. A daddy’s duty is to prepare his children to be overcomers in a world that is hostile to hope and holiness. It should be our goal to work ourselves out of a job as quickly as possible, to bring them to the place where they possess the wisdom and will to act autonomously. Happiness is found in producing for the benefit of others. Eating out of a common pot when you haven’t put in more than you take out lends itself to moral weakness and a poor self-image. No child wants to learn self discipline. Their human propensity is to avoid work and responsibility, so they must be organized and managed and, where necessary, constrained. Our children learn by observation and participation. It is daily habits that train up children and communicate worldviews. A child develops work habits by working regularly. It is the parents’ responsibility to organize and manage in ways that instill good habits. Accepting the sacrifices of duty and self control is a slow process done in increments, like learning to walk barefooted on sharp rocks. One’s feet must be toughed one step at a time. Many little pains of service and duty, tolerated in increments, produce tough individuals with moral earnestness and a willingness to suffer the pain of responsible action. You cannot overindulge a kid until he is eighteen and then suddenly endow him with duty. It will be shockingly painful on his tender, pampered soul. The overindulged, grown kid possesses a worldview that does not include painful self-denial. So don’t expect a child to choose the painful path of participation. List their duties on a spreadsheet if necessary and put it on the wall to be checked off when completed. Take your child by the hand and do the chores of life together. Make duty fun and full of fellowship. Children develop a sense of duty by being managed into consistently performing meaningful acts of service to the family unit—by being needed in tangible ways. Most parents think love is a magic bullet. It is the one indispensable foundation, but feelings or gestures of love will not provoke children to accept the pain of self denial. Being needed emotionally does not grow character; it breeds unhealthy dependence. But we all need to be needed in ways that make us know we are valued for what we do. We are not comforted by being loved unless we know we are making a contribution to those who love us. The loved child who doesn’t give back becomes narcissistic and either arrogantly self promoting or self loathing, possibly both. The work of love is found not in making the other person comfortable in their shortcomings, but rather in allowing them to become uncomfortable while addressing harmful habits. When you fail to constrain your child to right action, such as picking up after himself or cleaning his bathroom, but do it for him, you are not loving him; you are serving your own feelings by avoiding conflict that would make you uncomfortable. Few parents train their children to control impulses and gracefully accept delayed gratification; much less are children cultivated to discern good and evil and exercise self denial. Humanity is awesome and heavenly in its ability to act wisely, contrary to impulses and passions, choosing truth and righteousness over indulgence and intemperance. In contrast, humanity is vulgar and depraved in its propensity to follow the path of pleasure and indiscriminately indulge like an inbred dog with no master beyond appetite. The world is a battleground of good and evil, and let’s be honest, evil usually wins the day as good retreats to a lonely spot in hopes of survival. In conclusion, remember the words organize and manage. That is what you should do right now. Sit down and write out an organized plan to involve your children in meaningful responsible chores. Determine right now that you will not give in to your feelings of needing to serve, and that you will be tough when they whine and act like they are in pain when called upon to do their part. When you have created a general plan for the day, then determine to be the hawkish manager of your new enterprise. Above all, keep it light and fun. Never give in to whining, accusing, complaining, threatening, or anger. When you organize and manage there is never any need to be angry, for you are in control and no longer depend on intimidation to force them to choose rightly. You have organized and managed them into doing what they should. Remember, their feet will toughen one step at a time. Each step will be a little bit painful, but bearable. In time they will be toughened to the pain of duty and responsible actions, growing strong in self sufficiency and service to others.

Shock: Have the Steeles stopped homeschooling?!

Joshua Steele — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 17:00:21 +0000

In one of my recent blog posts I shared some pictures of Abby receiving her first cellphone. As part of that post, I mentioned that one of our reasons for getting Abby a phone was so that we could get in touch with her while she was at school. No sooner had I published that post than I got a note from a friend in the US asking why our kids were going away to school. Maybe you asked that question too. Here’s the answer. Kelsie and I are as committed as we’ve ever been to homeschooling. Fear not: we haven’t fallen off the bandwagon. The “school” that Abby goes to is a two-hour class, three times a week at the church we attend. Our purpose in sending her there right now is primarily to help her establish a foundation in Ukrainian language skills. At the school, they mostly sing songs, paint pictures, and—believe it or not—have a 30-minute English class! The primary benefit is that for two hours Abby is forced to interact with children and adults that speak to her almost exclusively in Ukrainian. That’s something we can’t give her very well at home. At home, we speak English. But since we live in Ukraine, we believe that our kids need to speak Ukrainian well. This is not only a matter of culture but of security. For example, if, God forbid, Abby or one of the other kids were to get separated from us in town somewhere, they need to be able to tell someone who they are, where they live, etc. So “school”, as we call it, is more like “language lessons.” Abby is already doing her regular school subjects at home with Kelsie, and based on her progress in Ukrainian, we will probably discontinue that class after the spring semester is over. I think it’s important to remember that homeschooling is not defined simply as filling out textbooks within the four walls of the family domicile. The vision and power of homeschooling is about parents taking responsibility for directing both the character training and academic development of their children. In modern society, the trend is to pass off that God-given duty to someone else, often the State. We, like many thousands of other parents, have seen the dangers and shortcomings of America’s current public school system, and we desire to give our children something much better. That said, we also believe that delegation is a big part of successful education. The job of the homeschool parent is not to know all there is to know about every academic subject so as to personally impart that knowledge to the child. Rather, the wise homeschool parent takes charge of the child’s entire training program – both spiritual and academic – teaching personally when possible, and bringing in carefully selected tutors when needed. It is our belief that parents are the principals of their own schools. It is the parents who are the most qualified to select the teachers and subjects best suited for each of their children. This managed education paradigm is in itself a valuable asset for any child as he enters adulthood. Even though I am married and working as a full-time missionary, I am constantly learning new things. I am the manager of my own continuing education. I certainly don’t know everything—far from it—but I do know how to learn anything I need to learn. The world is my classroom, and when I need a new skill, I simply seek out the appropriate resources and educate myself. This might involve reading a book, doing a series of Google searches, watching screencasts, or even attending college classes. But the important thing is that I am in charge of my education. I choose to learn things that are relevant to the work I am doing. Education is simply a means to an end. In the real world, you don’t get any tangible credit for simply completing a course of training. You don’t even get much credit for demonstrating that you are proficient in a particular skill. (Your diploma alone won’t feed you.) A person gets credit for applying his skills in a useful manner that is marketable to someone else. If you do that, you get paid. The key issue is not so much the path you choose to acquire new skills, but your ability to use those skills profitably. Granted, demonstrating that you completed your education at this or that university has value, but in the end employers don’t pay their employees for attending a particular school. Employees get paid because they do the job they were hired to do. If they can’t or won’t do their job, their education won’t keep them from being fired. That’s the real world, and that’s the world for which parents should be preparing their children. I’ll never forget something my mom told me years ago about her goals for our education. Speaking in the context of academic training, she said, “My job is to teach you to read. If I’ve done that, then I have given you your education.” Think about that. In our information-oriented society, reading is more important than ever before. One who reads well can potentially acquire an unlimited number of skills. Of course, my mom taught my siblings and me much more than reading alone. We had all the normal subjects: math, language, history, science, and so forth. But the most valuable skill she gave us was the ability to acquire knowledge independently and apply that knowledge practically. In my humble opinion, that is the essence of homeschooling.

Yes Daddies and Amen Mamas

Michael Pearl — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 17:00:54 +0000

In the March-April print issue of NGJ magazine, you read the article “Be a Door Opener Not a Door Shutter.” This is a follow-up, also taken from a book in progress, Traditional Child Training.

You cannot be the No Daddy; you must be the Go Daddy. Don’t just fence him off from evil influences; open the door to a world that is more exciting and promising than anything the world has to offer.

Recently a father drove his truck up alongside of me while I was grading the driveway and asked if I had a few minutes to talk. I pulled the tractor over to the side of the lane, and he parked his truck beside me. I sat in the tractor seat and he leaned against the grill of the truck as he began to express his concerns. This is country pastoral counseling at its finest. This father has two grown girls, now married and having children of their own. They are his beautiful fruit, but his garden is not fully harvested. He has children not yet in their teens. He started out by saying, “I have done well raising girls; it was easy. But I am uncertain about how to relate to a boy who will be going through puberty pretty soon.” I could understand his consternation. Raising girls and raising boys are as different as raising fainting rabbits and wolf pups. Girls can become a problem if they are not made to feel loved and secure and protected from the world, but, with rare exception, boys are going to be a problem no matter what—to various degrees. His son is only about seven years old, so now is the time to make course corrections. It could be too late by the time he turns thirteen and turns on to his maleness.

Young life is a constant process of discovery. The world is filled with wonder. Take your son (and your daughters) into the thrill of learning and doing.

The father asked, “What can I do now to make sure I have his heart?” He understood the issue. There is no way to impart to a child the wisdom and skills he will need to cope with the world when the lights start flashing and the world’s door swings open to him. He will need continual guidance until he becomes a man. If a father doesn’t have his son’s heart, the boy will pass it around until someone or something locks it up in a dirty place. Father will stand outside weeping, wondering where he went wrong, wishing he had made a course correction when his son was seven years old. So at this critical moment in this father’s life, I needed to give him a simple answer that would point him in the right direction. I answered, “To keep his heart you must be a door opener and not a door shutter. You must be his most vital source of all things interesting and exciting. He must value a relationship with you because he sees you as an open door to all the good things life has to offer.” He asked, “How do I protect him from worldliness?” Your son may interpret your protection as shutting doors. It is a negative response. You cannot be the No Daddy; you must be the Go Daddy. Don’t just fence him off from evil influences; open the door to a world that is more exciting and promising than anything the world has to offer. If you give your son a life of promise you need not be concerned that someone peddling a lesser product will steal his heart. Young life is a constant process of discovery. The world is filled with wonder. Take your son (and your daughters) into the thrill of learning and doing. Kids love to be good at something—anything. They feel good about themselves when they are succeeding, when they are winning, mastering, developing skills, and conquering. A happy child will climb to the top of any dirt pile and think himself the better for it. A group of kids will play “king on the mountain” seeing who can stay on top and push everyone else off. If you are the parent always saying, “Don’t get your clothes dirty…play nice…get down from there you might get hurt…” you will be the door shutter and they will not enjoy your presence. But if you laugh yourself silly over their antics and brag on the way your little man tumbled from the top of the dirt pile with minimal scrapes and bruises, encouraging him to try again, he will always want his number-one fan around.

You must be his most vital source of all things interesting and exciting. He must value a relationship with you because he sees you as an open door to all the good things life has to offer.

If they are taking piano or violin, they will expect you to arrange for company to sit down while they perform. They want the applause. If there is no applause in your home, you are in danger of losing the hearts of your children. When my two youngest daughters, Shalom and Shoshanna, were about nine and eleven years old they decided to investigate an idea we had entertained for several years. We live in Middle Tennessee in an area of limestone ridges. Our 12-acre bottomland pasture is bordered by a ridge about 100 feet tall. During the cold winters, we observed that the area around a gopher hole would be covered with ice crystals. I had often commented that it indicated a deep hole, perhaps a cave. So on a fine summer day the girls decided to take shovel and pick and discover their very own—never before seen by human eyes—cave. After about four hours of digging nearly straight down, they encountered solid limestone rock, but the gopher hole continued through a large crack. I went out to check on their progress and was amazed that they had moved about two yards of dirt. They had made a hole three feet by three feet wide and six feet deep—big enough to bury three cows. They were about ready to give up, so I showed excitement over their progress and stayed to help them by hauling the dirt out of the hole with a bucket. The next day I stopped to check on their progress several times and found them tunneling under the big rock. They got so deep it became difficult to remove the dirt, so they gave up. About a week later I had a backhoe on the property for another purpose and directed the operator to dig out the dirt that blocked their progress. He cleared the way about ten feet deep, moving some big rocks the size of small cars that had slid off the ridge during Noah’s flood. They now had direct, horizontal access to the gopher hole under the rock and continued digging. But as they dug further back under the rock they had to go deeper as well. After about a week of further excavation, gaining about fifteen feet with shovel and pick, they discovered a stalactite hanging from the rock above. They were thrilled and I was too. Now they were digging straight back in a narrow, well weathered corridor that showed signs of long exposure to running water. They were having trouble in the confined space, so I made some short-handled tools and a sliding pan on which to place the dirt they dug. Taking turns, they crawled into the narrow hole and filled the pan with dirt. I would drag it out and empty it, and they would pull it back in with a second rope tied to it. They were now about 20 feet deep into the rock and discovered a stalactite and stalagmite blocking their path—proof of a cave of some sort. We were over-the-top excited, but we conspired to keep it a secret because the boys had been making fun of the girls—and of me for helping them. They would say things like, “The only cave is the one the girls are digging.” It was hard to keep from telling them, but the mystery made it all the more adventuresome. We hated to do it, but we broke the stalactite so progress could continue. They eventually moved enough dirt to allow both of them into the tunnel at the same time. By then I was dedicating several hours a day to helping them because I was confident there was a cave concealed behind all that dirt.

Become your child’s partner in wonder and you will not be left wondering why they departed.

Then one afternoon both girls were deep in the tunnel, flashlights visible, the sound of shovel and pick, and I heard one of the girls excitedly exclaim, “The dirt is falling the other way!” I screamed, “Be careful!” And then their lights disappeared and their excited voices were muffled. I admit, I about panicked. I thought they might have fallen in a hole. After about a minute a light reappeared in the dark tunnel and I could see Shalom’s face about 25 feet away. She was beside herself with joy. “It is a big cave full of stalagmites and stalactites, and what looks like a frozen waterfall!” As the two girls came scurrying out of the cave, their faces shined with a joy and exhilaration that I will never forget. I calmed them down and we discussed how to break the news to the world. The two boys and their mocking friends were our primary targets. How to make the most out of it was our concern. So we waited until dinner time, when everyone was sitting around the table and one of the boys condescendingly asked, “So, how’s the cave digging going? You guys get to China yet?” One of the girls, continuing to eat, answered without looking up, “No, we are now exploring deeper; we think it is a about a mile deep but stalactites are blocking our path. We are searching for a way around them now.” The boys laughed like it was a good joke designed to cover up their failure, but the other girl offered additional comment, and I coolly agreed with their assessment. We had them. The boys were suspended between belief and doubt. We milked it for all we could get, causing them to commit to their unbelief while we matter-of-factly, like it was a routine discovery, one we never doubted, continued to give the details. Like Peter and John running to the tomb to confirm their unbelief, the boys ran down the lane to prove the girls wrong, and the girls and I ran right behind them, carrying the flashlights and lanterns. The boys hastily crawled down the long confining entrance to emerge into a beautiful world of ivory-colored formations branching out in six or eight directions, winding and twisting, sometimes rising above and then dipping down to the former level. It was labyrinth of delightful discovery. How sweet it was! Now the girls burst into exciting recounts of all their experiences. It was their cave. They guarded it, making sure no one broke any of the formations; nothing could be removed. It was the first time human eyes had ever beheld these wonders of God’s creation. Now, as I reflect back on this event in our family, I realize that I was not following some principle of child training. I was their door opener, their partner in discovery, the instigator of a journey into wonder, but it was part of my soul to want to delight my daughters, to stimulate them in an adventure. I enjoyed their pleasure better than any pleasure I could instigate for myself. Now, it is unlikely that any of you will ever have the opportunity to discover a cave. I know that was a unique experience. But understand, there were a thousand other common experiences that produced that same camaraderie of discovery, that walk in wonderland, resulting in a bond between parent and child. Taking time out to build a swing, to set up a swimming pool, to teach them to dive or turn a flip, to laugh at their antics and brag on their accomplishments—all these things make you a door opener in the child’s life. Become your child’s partner in wonder and you will not be left wondering why he departed.

Training Toddlers

Leah Spina — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 17:00:34 +0000

My white-haired son Samson is 18 months old. We have entered the world of toddler conflict. All day long I make him do things he doesn’t want to do. He doesn’t want to get in the car seat, come inside, or get his diaper changed. He can’t talk, so he can’t understand. He doesn’t understand why he can’t run in the street, eat five lollypops, or go around in a wet diaper. All he knows is that I am the bad guy. Crying, whining, fits, and a firm mama. Day in and day out. I’m a pretty good parent. I’m consistent, levelheaded, and fun. But there are still big battles each day. That’s why I decided to write this article. I want to encourage toddler parents that even though it seems like you are battling each day, those battles are the breeding ground for success. What you are doing counts. Don’t give up and don’t lose heart! Whining, crying, and fits are natural responses to good parenting.

The Big Picture

The thing that helps me continue to train consistently—even if I’m bracing myself for a big wail when I say “no” for the millionth time—is this thought: It is much easier to train a one-year-old than a five-year-old. Yes, whining, crying, and fits create tension. Training is stressful. I am often tempted to give in just to stop the screaming. You try cooking when he is pulling at your leg for one piece of forbidden food. I am tempted to just give him a bite! But I must remember that I’m teaching him obedience, self-control, and patience. Toddler training is conflict-ridden, but it is much easier than waiting to train a willful, unbridled, selfish five-year-old; you can’t even physically restrain them at that age.

Creating More Conflict on Purpose

The earliest training was training him be still when I changed his diaper. It was then easier to train him to be still for other things.

I often watch mothers train toddlers at birthday parties or parks, because we are all training them each day whether we think about it or not. We are rewarding their behavior each day. Does crying merit a reward that encourages them to whine more? Or is whining ignored and thus subsides because there is no reward? A toddler sitting on Mother’s lap sees something fun and starts thrashing wildly about, so Mother plops him down on the ground so he can gleefully run away. It takes a lot more training (and produces more conflict) for you to ask your toddler to sign “please” first or ask permission to get down, pointing to the object he wants to explore. What about the toddler who starts banging a plastic golf club on other children, and Mother runs over and grabs it away instead of training her not to hit? Or the mother who runs after her toddler instead of training him to come on command? I think how much easier it would be to just manage my toddler instead of proactively training him. I wish I could just grab the golf club away instead of spending time training him not to hit. But then Samson and I would both be exhausted, angry, and frustrated. I am starting to enjoy the fruit of toddler training. Even though he doesn’t understand why, Samson knows there are consequences and often obeys even in new things. When I point to a “no, no” object, he often walks away. That is much easier than guarding the fireplace or standing by forbidden breakables all night long at a party. So, yes, even though you are down on your knees explaining precisely what is a “no, no” and then waiting to train if there is disobedience, you are making your life and your child’s life easier in the long run! You will have more conflict initially, but eventually less!

Home Training Is Crucial to Public Success

One of the easiest places to relax on training is in your own home. It’s much easier to relax on the couch than to get up and train him not to touch the TV volume control (which isn’t even on) again. But remember, your child will only obey in public if she has been taught to obey at home. If whining at home means she gets what she wants, she will whine in public. All day long, Samson wants things, asks me to hold him, wants to get down from his high chair, etc. I try to remember it’s okay if he is whining when he doesn’t get what he wants! If I think it is stressful hearing him whine now, I think about him whining at a restaurant or grocery store! That makes me “stick to my guns” and stay consistent in letting him cry if he is pouting rather than rewarding him with a distraction or something else (e.g., keep asking what other food he wants or if he would like to do another activity). When I catch myself saying, “Do you want this? This? This?” I must stop! The home is a crucial, special place to train your children. Get all the whining, pouting, and fit testing out at home.

Consistent Training Yields Rewards

Every child and every parent is different, but there are some areas in which I am so grateful I took the time to train Samson. I trained him from his crawling days to not open and explore cabinets, and he never does. I trained him to know the street is a big “no, no.” Every time we go in the front yard to play, he points at the street and yells “No, no!” He has never one time gone into the street. However, it took weeks of consistent training for Samson to come when I called—often five training sessions in a row each time I asked him to come inside. I frequently wished I could just swipe him in. I am bigger than he is. It would take two seconds instead of becoming a five-minute battle. But I knew if I could train him at home, he would come in dangerous public places as well. Now he usually comes immediately. If he doesn’t, there are immediate consequences. Other war zones include climbing up the stairs or throwing food from his high chair to our dog. These were long, hard battles! Sometimes we took breaks, but we never stopped training. The earliest training was training him be still when I changed his diaper. It was then easier to train him to be still for other things: when standing to put on his jacket (instead of running away or pulling away) or when he has a band-aid applied. At restaurants we don’t have to move every object away from him; we train him not to touch. This is heaven because now he points at food he wants, waiting for permission, whether it’s food on our home table, the park bench, or the grandparent’s coffee table.

No Means No

I have really tried to follow up with consequences if I say “no” the first time and Samson disregards it. I do not repeat it or speak louder or threaten. The benefit: he listens the first time I say “no” and it is no surprise to him if he is trained for disobedience. This is so helpful in new places where there are a lot of foreign “no” objects or areas. I can ask him to stay on the carpet or not touch a TV remote, and he listens because he has had mounds of “no” training at home. Yes, he will throw fits sometimes, but usually he will obey, even if he is protesting. Of course, sometimes toddlers are just overtired, hungry, or sick. That’s when you pray to the Lord for wisdom as you decide whether to make something a big deal or move on.

Good Behavior Starts a Good Cycle

If you want a sweet child, train your toddler. Be consistent and keep a long-term perspective.

Several of my friends and I were laughing over the table the other day when we started talking about obedient, well-behaved children. “What parents don’t realize,” said one former nanny, “is that they are setting their children up for social success when they take the time to train them. If we friends/family/strangers see a well-behaved child, we publicly applaud the child, which reinforces the good behavior the parents have instilled.” The cycle grows stronger and stronger: good behavior reinforced by compliments everywhere you go. Well-behaved, well-mannered children are not only liked, but they will also easily win friends as they grow older because they know the universe does not revolve around them. Have you ever met a selfish 18-year-old who has grown up without restraints? Trained children will grow up to be well-adjusted, mature adults who will succeed in life because they were trained not be selfish, willful creatures. Samson is my little buddy all day long. We laugh, read books, swim, run, wrestle, and explore together. These are sweet, fleeting years, and training him makes them sweeter. If you want a sweet child, train your toddler. Be consistent and keep a long-term perspective.

Nuts & Nurturing

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:03:16 +0000

One cold winter evening last week, Deb and my daughter Shalom were going out and leaving me home alone. Knowing that two-year-old Parker would not be happy at the meeting, Shalom decided to park him with the old codger. When she brought Parker into the kitchen and told him he was going to be staying with Big Papa, he took one look around the empty and boring old farm house and started grabbing for his mother. When she tried to free herself from his clutching hands, he uttered a desperate cry that sounded forlorn, like a pup being culled from the litter. He wanted Mama, not an old man who couldn’t even roll on the floor. Instinctively, I knew just what to do. I sat down at the kitchen table and poured out several varieties of nuts. Picking up the cracker, I looked over my shoulder at the crying two-year-old and said, “Hey, Parker, let’s crack some nuts.” He instantly stopped crying and jumped up on a chair beside me, grabbing nuts in one hand and a nut cracker in the other. We spent the next hour creating a pile of shells and dining like two fat fox squirrels. When the shelling got boring, I said, “Hey, Parker, lets roast some nuts.” We carried a handful over to the wood-burning stove and scattered them across the top. Pulling chairs up close, we took a poker and a spoon and busied ourselves turning the nuts and scooting them around to control the rate of heating. When they were roasted just right, we slid them off the top into a bowl and returned to the table where we juggled hot nuts as we continued shelling. Some of the nuts were hickory nuts we had gathered in the woods. Their shell is thick and hard to crack, and the meat is even harder to dig out, coming out in little pieces with the aid of a pointed tool designed for just that purpose. Parker’s manipulation instinct kicked in and he was as happy as a popsicle-sucker in July. We had a grand old time, and when Mama returned we were still sitting at the table having our squirrel dinner. Parker, with lots of hand gestures, immediately launched into an exciting tale about his experience, spoken in a strange language not yet documented by linguists. Mother was delighted that he was delighted, and I was delighted she had returned. I had eaten about 1000 calories beyond my daily limit. It has been nearly three decades since my children were small, so I have forgotten much about the everyday ways of relating to them. But having 19 grandkids (and more on the way), I am constantly refreshed in my thinking. As I do what comes naturally, I remember relating to my children in precisely the same manner. Good parenting is not a set of principles we execute; it is instinctual nurturing. Kids love to be involved. Write this on every wall in your house: Children love to be involved. I remember clearly involving my children in everything I did. If they were in the house, Deb involved them in all her activities. They were never “in the way.” Life was about them, and we strove to communicate all the wonders of life and love, training them to assume responsibility as adults. Research now confirms what I have been saying and writing for 17 years: Positive affirmation used as a manipulative tool has negative consequences. Children have their worth affirmed by doing something worthy and by being a congenial part of adult activities. Children left to themselves bring their mother to shame (Proverbs 29:15). Children involved in daily life know they are valued because the big, important people talk to them, play with them, seek their assistance, and have mutual pleasure with them through shared experiences. My children grew up with a strong sense of security and purpose because they knew they were valued for reasons beyond maternal instinct; they were making indispensable contributions to the quality of life of everyone around them. When Justin splits firewood, he always splits some very small pieces that Parker can carry into the house. If he were just shoved out of the way while others carried firewood, he would feel diminished and rejected—leading to his acting out in negative behavior; but when he feels he is a part of the process, he is motivated to live within the social rules of the clan. He wants to stay on the good side of the ones in charge because they are the source of his deepest pleasure. You can gain momentary compliance with threats and intimidations, but to gain eternal, heart compliance you must become a child’s source of delight.

The Responsibility Train

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:02:57 +0000

My two-year-old son Parker loves to build trains. He has a big “Tom the Train” set, and he is always looking for someone to sit down and build a long track so he can push his train over the track while he makes chug-chug, choo-choo sounds. I can remember when Parker first joined our family train as the caboose, just being pulled along behind the rest of us, enjoying the ride. It was obvious from the start, that he knew without him we would not be a whole train—that he was needed to make us complete. As he has grown older, he has moved up in his responsibility, and it is a good thing, for soon a new caboose will take his place. Our “baby” boy has become a working train car. When he was first learning to walk we would tell him, “Go close the door, Parker,” and he would crawl or waddle over to the door, doing his job with pride. If one of the girls got to the door first, he would cry, for he knew it was his job, not theirs. He moved up in responsibility when he learned to take the garbage out for me, help carry the clean clothes, help wash dishes, and all the other things that let him know he was on the same track, pulling the same load as the rest of us. We are working together as a family to promote each child to a position in the train that is closer to the engine. Dad is the engine that keeps us moving forward, and we each have to do our jobs and follow behind. This last summer Parker spent lots of time in the garden helping pick the tomatoes, corn, and beans, and then he would help can them. After we were finished canning, we carried them to the basement to be placed on shelves. He was a part of everything we did, for he is on the same track as we are, all going the same direction. We have a pear tree in our yard that bears lots of fruit. Parker and his sisters picked up the fallen fruit and carried it in to be canned. This winter when we open a can of pears, he talks about the pear tree and the process by which the delicious fruit arrived on our table. Even though we understand very little of what he says, his excitement and gestures indicate he is delighted to have been a part of the food train that feeds the family. We go out as a family to cut wood for our fireplace. My husband cuts the wood while the kids and I pick it up and put it in the trailer. Parker works harder than the girls when it is outside, “boy work”; he loves to help his daddy. He will go for the biggest piece of wood just to show his daddy how strong he is. We back the trailer up to the porch to unload it. I stand on the trailer and the kids make a train that reaches from me in the trailer to their dad on the porch who does the stacking. They think it is the greatest fun in the world. If they were left alone to do the job, they would think it slave labor, but when we all work together, it is pure enjoyment. A train goes nowhere without an engine and an engineer. Granted, the train moves much slower with all the extra cars. A two-, four-, and seven-year-old plus a round-bellied mama toting the next caboose are not very efficient, but thankfully we have a patient engineer (Daddy) pulling us along. We cut some of the wood small enough that even Parker can carry it. It is his job to haul it into the house each day and stack it by the fireplace so Mama can put it on the fire to keep us warm and cook the beans that he so enjoys. He is quite happy being a part of the family train, and we are so happy to see him moving up in position. One day, he will be an engineer and command his own train with confidence he gained little by little, the same way he gained responsibility. Loving my train, Shalom

Be a Door Opener, Not a Door Shutter

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:01:05 +0000

Note: The following is an excerpt from a book in progress called Traditional Child Training. Sometimes the grandkids come over when I am engaged in study or writing. My office is removed from the living room where the kids will be visiting. When they discover I am in my office, they come and open the door. After I greet them and explain that I must be busy for a little while, they will walk away and be happy as long as I leave the door open. But if I shut the door, they are uncomfortable until they get it open and look in on me. At about two years of age they have the ability to open a door but cannot understand my need to shut it, particularly if they are left on the other side. I have come to see that kids do not like a shut door, especially if it is directed at them. Think for a moment. How do your children view you—as a door shutter or a door opener? Do they know you as the one who gives them pleasure through opening interesting and exciting doors of opportunity and learning, or do they know you as the one always saying no and shutting them out? You will “Train up a child in the way he should go” so that “when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6) if you are a door opener and not a door shutter. Don’t be a no person. Be a yes person to your children. The Apostle Paul tells us that Jesus is God’s “yea” and “Amen.” “For all the promises of God in him are yea [yes], and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us” (2 Corinthians 1:20). Jesus is the Yes of God. In him is life and liberty. At his right hand there are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11). People embroiled in religion, be it heathen or Christian, view God as the No in their lives. They know him through the negative commandments—“Thou shalt not…” To them the Christian life is a series of shut doors—things one cannot do lest he be damned. Their God is distant and out of reach, critical and displeased. He must be placated with contrition and religious works. Such people cannot love God. Their guilt and humility cause God to be paramount in their lives but always out of reach, though their lives are dedicated to appeasing him. Their desperate fervency causes them to appear to be the most devout among us, but no one who knows them well is drawn to their God, for even they are not sure of his love or forgiveness. Children raised by “religious”-tempered parents are the most miserable of all. So many doors are locked to them. I am not suggesting permissiveness or worldliness; I am talking about the many little things of life. I knew both of my grandmothers well. One I remember with the utmost fondness, and the other I could have done without. I never did like her. I cannot remember one pleasurable feeling in her presence. She was never mean or angry. She was always proper and pleasant. But she had a gift for saying no. I knew that when I went to her house I would be in the way—as in “children should be seen and not heard.” She never said such, but that is the way she made me feel. “Don’t put your feet there.” “Take off your shoes.” “Stop making that noise in the house.” “Don’t you ever comb your hair?” She did have a beautiful garden that fascinated me, but she slammed the door shut when I tried to walk in it. I remember her as a door shutter. She never taught me anything. She taught manners at me, but they didn’t stick because I did not want to please her in her interests when she was never pleased with what interested me. I know that is immature, but I was immature at four … and seven … and nine … and twelve. When I got old enough to know better, I spent time with the other grandma who was ready with a laugh and a “Have you ever heard of …?” or “Come over here and look at what I have been working on.” Many a time my yes grandmother said, “Can you help me with this?” I can think of no sweeter words, nor have I known a more interesting person, for she was interested in me. I always wanted to please my yes grandmother. I didn’t care one way or the other about my no grandmother. I think I went to her funeral, but I can’t remember. I do remember quite well my yes grandmother’s funeral, the one who opened so many doors for me. My daddy was a door opener—a yes daddy. When I asked if I could use the scrap lumber he brought home from the job, he said yes and offered me hammer, saw, and nails as well. When I asked if I could have the red paint that was left over, he found some old brushes and blue paint to go with it. When I went to the job with him and met someone for the first time, the stranger would say something like, “So you are the boy Ed is always bragging about. Heard you can throw a knife like Tarzan.” When I was fourteen, I suggested I needed a horizontal bar in the backyard. My daddy hired someone to make it and he and I dug the holes and concreted it in place. It became the center of my after-high-school activity. When I remember my father, I remember a yes daddy—a yea and Amen daddy. How do your children view you? On this one point hangs all of your parenting. I can say with certainty, if you have a good relationship with your children and they want to please you, it is because they think of you as a yes daddy or yes mama—a door opener. If there is tension and they are stubborn and rebellious, it is because they know you as a no daddy or no mama—a door shutter. In our next digital magazine (April issue) I will discuss how you can become a door opener, not a door shutter. In the meantime, think of ways to open doors of delight, and you will not have as many occasions to say no to their naughtiness. To receive our free digital magazine, join our email list.

Knittin’ Nate

Debi Pearl — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 21:07:38 +0000

Dad, a Visionary who thinks he is a Command Man, came in from work and passed his son without speaking. He is known for his remarkable self-control—sometimes resembling an explosion that happens inside an unexpandable enclosure. Passing into another room, he stiffly leaned over and whispered into his wife’s ear, every word stiltedly punctuated in a monotone voice that had been carefully stripped of any emotion, “Do you know what my son is doing?” Mom answered without bothering to look up, “Sure. He is knitting himself a neck scarf.” “My son? Knitting?” he uttered, still only inches from her ear. “But he is MY son, and he is knitting. Who taught my son to knit?” the word “knit” spit out like unwelcomed foreign matter bitter to the palate. That event occurred about 20 years ago, though Knitting Nate’s mama just got around to telling us the story last week when she was visiting our home. Considering how the knitter turned out, we had a grand old laugh at the telling. It’s funny NOW. It wasn’t so funny to Dominant Dad when first-born son Nate was seven years old; it was confusing. Knitting Nate’s dad is a man’s man and he does not knit—never knitted; the only person in his family up until that point who ever knitted was Grandma, and she died early. It was painfully difficult for old tough-guy Dad to understand how his SON could be interested in something as “girl-like” as knitting. Like I said, it’s a funny story now because Knitting Nate today is nearly a foot taller than his dad, standing close to six and a half feet tall, and has a man-size job that Dad is extremely proud of. He is working in highly classified military intelligence. For that reason we changed his name. Today he is the kind of son that makes Mama smile and Dad breathe a deep sigh of satisfaction. Boys are different. Grown-up Knitting Nate is a 100% Steady Man (see Created to NEED a Help Meet). He is Priestly in his relationships with others, helpful, kind, considerate, and dependable. He was a Priestly little boy, but his Visionary dad, who is very prophet-like in his relationships with people, found it difficult to understand exactly what made Nate tick. I can only guess what Mike would have done if he had observed one of his sons knitting, not that we didn’t have to make a few mental adjustments ourselves when raising our sons. Gabriel came into this world born to dominate. Mike related to him from the beginning. As a young boy, Gabe drove me nuts bossing me around. As a young, servant-type mother I had to finally stand up to him and tell him who was boss. After that, he was protective and gentle toward me. Now that Gabe is grown I would think he is at least 60% Command Man and 35% Steady, with just a tiny bit of Visionary. Unlike those of you who have read our books Created to Be His Help Meet and Created to NEED a Help Meet, I didn’t have the opportunity to understand why my son bossed me around. I also didn’t have a clue why my husband didn’t see it as a problem. Nathan, our second-born son, was very different from Gabe. He came into the world, literally, with a smile on his face. In his youth he liked to go hunting and fishing with his dad, but only so he could be in the woods; he didn’t want to harm the animals. Often, when Mike came back from hunting with his two sons, he would scratch his head as he whispered, “Nathan said he didn’t like to hurt the animals so he didn’t want to shoot.” I guess he whispered because the telling was so odd that saying it out loud would have been offensive. A disinterest in hunting and fishing was not the only thing different about our Nathan. When Nathan was about four years old, Mike and I would often look out our windows to the play area and see our tiny little guy with his hands lifted up to the sky, walking while loudly praying with tears streaming down his cheeks. To say we were bumfuzzled is an understatement. We thought he would grow up to be a real-live, modern-day prophet, or, weird as it seemed, a Pentecostal preacher. While we watched his strange behavior, we hoped that was all that would come of it. As I said, at that time we had not come to an understanding of how God created man in his own image and that image included all three sides of God’s nature, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Even at such a ripe young age—or maybe due to his young age—his Prophet/Priestly image shone especially bright. Nathan still loves prayer. He is very Priestly, wanting to help and heal those in need, but the little-boy Prophet is now a man Prophet. And he is so amazingly normal. Being old has its perks. There is peace in seeing the end results, at least when the results are good. I have lived through those times when I didn’t have a clue what to do or how to do it. I didn’t understand the whys and wherefores of my sons. Now I know that there wasn’t much to fear after all. As parents, we just needed to honor God, love each other, and enjoy our children the way they were. Then we could watch God give the increase. My boys are now quickly approaching middle age, and both are strong, well-balanced men, good daddies, and loving husbands. I could have enjoyed the moments more if I had had the understanding of the three kinds of images manifested in boys and men. It would have taken the confusion out of the moments in life when our sons were different from what we supposed was normal. Our daughters, although all three are strong personalities, are not so pronounced or confusing. Our oldest is dignified, reserved, and creative. The next daughter was born serving and caring for others—and still does. Our last daughter is a wild hare, scheming, creative, and full of new ideas. It is good that she was born last in that she has kept us entertained and holding our breath. This past week we were cleaning out an office that once was her bedroom, and we laughed as we studied the walls. They are still the bright, mint green she painted. They are covered with other bright colors and painted flowers and designs. Clearly, she leaves her mark. But with all her expression, her personality is not so pronounced as are the boys’. Many people have written in, concerned about a young son’s shyness or bossiness or wild ideas. I read their letters and laugh and wish I had time to write to give them the answers we have learned. As my friend Karen (Knitting Nate’s mama) and I talked about our sons, each telling funny stories, we came to a solid conclusion: there should be a book for moms and dads on how to raise the three kinds of sons. That is easier said than done. I need your help. I need you moms and dads to send me stories of your sons. I need young parents to ask questions that I can post and have older parents tell us how they helped their young Steady boy grow bolder, or how their crazy Visionary son learned to harness his imagination and keep his feet on solid ground. I need to hear from those of you who have learned to channel the energies of your bossy, Command son. If you want a book, then help us write it. Mike and I will learn from you and do our part. Share this article on your Facebook page so your friends can jump in and help. With a thousand examples and as many questions, we can sift the information and provide this next generation with some real answers. So when your husband comes with an outraged face asking, “Do you know what MY son, my SON is doing?” you can smile and say, ”Yep, he’s knitting, and someday he will be protecting this nation. Here, read all about it.”

NEW BOOK!

Help Us Help You! We are going to write a book on the three types of boys—Command, Steady, and Visionary, but we need your help. We need illustrations and questions. We are waiting on you to send in your stories. If you do not want your name used, please put that in your story or change the names to protect the “guilty”. If you are OK with seeing your son’s name in 500,000 books in 15 languages then include it. We are waiting on you. Write to us at BoysBook@nogreaterjoy.org

Confessions of a Spanking Mom

Chastity Akiki — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:05:07 +0000

I am the mother of eight children and am regularly complimented on the behavior of my kids. Recently, I’ve thought a lot about this issue of spanking and how some people (the media, in particular) completely skew what it means to “train up a child.” “Mom, do you want me to take the baby?” “Dad, I made your coffee.” “Mom, I’ll get the younger kids’ lunch.” “Dad, we cleaned your car.” “Mom, I made you some lemonade.” All the above quotes are things I hear every day. My children are obedient. Yes, my children are spanked when needed. And no, my children are NOT abused. Rather, because they are lovingly corrected, they love to serve their father and me. It is a real blessing to us, and others always notice. I will never understand what makes a person harm or abuse a child. It is a sad reality that has been around for centuries. It is my opinion that when a parent doesn’t spank his child for wrong behavior or attitudes, he is loving himself more than his child. I don’t like spanking my kids. I’d much prefer to play, smile, and have fun, but I’ve found when I allow a bad attitude, ugliness toward a sibling, or disobedience of any kind to continue, the behavior only gets worse. A spanking administered correctly brings relief to a child. I never cease to marvel at this reality. Nevertheless, I am tempted, as any parent, I’m sure, to skip the spanking in hopes that a verbal rebuke will suffice. While sometimes this might be enough (or an alternative such as loss of privileges), often it is not. I’ll show you what I mean. I have several boys, and occasionally an older brother entertains himself at a younger sibling’s expense. I call that bullying. I find myself saying, “Stop that. You know better.” or “You wouldn’t want someone to do that to you.” Recently, one of my boys was having a particularly good time teasing his younger brothers. I remember thinking, even saying, “I need to spank him soon.” Instead, I said, “Be nice” or something similar. After several days of this, I finally did what I knew I should have done sooner, all the while shaking my head at my unwillingness to inconvenience myself. Spanking is not fun for me. But that spanking instantly resulted in sweet relief for all concerned. My bully son was suddenly thoughtful, playing with his younger brothers instead of mistreating them. He was helpful to me, serving me and his siblings. It was as if his guilty conscience was saying, “Thank you for finally spanking me. I feel better now.” On his own, he just couldn’t stop being mean to his little brothers, and it left him unhappy with himself. The spanking gave him the extra motivation he needed to act as he knew he ought, and it resulted in him liking himself better. This same scenario plays out over and over in my home, and it always makes me smile. They get off track and I lovingly guide them back on.

On his own, he just couldn’t stop being mean to his little brothers, and it left him unhappy with himself.

I know that some who are opposed to spanking would say our kids obey because they are afraid of the rod or afraid of their parents. To that I say, yes and no. They are not afraid of us in the way you suppose. They do not cower in fear, worried their transgressions will bring them severe pain, just as I do not cower and tremble when I see a police officer on the side of the road. I do, however, have a certain amount of “fear,” which I would equate to respect for that officer, remembering the “pain” of previous speeding tickets. Thus, I maintain my speed within the posted limits. Likewise, my kids are constrained to stay within our limits. But it doesn’t stop there; they genuinely want to please us. And I so enjoy a glass of lemonade! On the flip side, when I don’t spank and instead attempt to talk them out of a misdeed, they are grumpy and almost mad or unhappy with me! A strange phenomenon indeed. So while I don’t enjoy giving spankings, I will continue to do it because I heartily enjoy the results it yields. “But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble” (Psalm 37:39).

Taming The Tyrant

Aaron (NGJ Staff) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:00:37 +0000

Dear Pearls, God has blessed us with three wonderful children. But lately we have had some problems with our three-year-old son, and we just don’t know what to do. He is very rebellious and when we tell him to do something like pick up his toys, he just says “No” and doesn’t do it. Spanking him doesn’t seem to be the answer. No matter how often we spank him he keeps on being rebellious. We try to show him that we love him and to be consistent with what we say. Do you have any advice on how we can break his will without breaking his spirit? Thank you, T. M.

Yours is a common problem. The “Terrible Twos” give way to the tyrannical threes. As to your concern about breaking his spirit, it seems the opposite is true; he has broken yours. His spirit is a long way from being broken. And, although we may speak of breaking a child’s will, in reality, we do not want to break a child’s will or his spirit; we want to see his spirit strengthened to direct his will to do what he ought. I know you understand that distinction, but for the sake of 500,000 readers, I need to mention it.

You said spanking doesn’t work. I am assuming that you have consistently administered the spanking in a quiet, controlled manner, without anger, and with sufficient force to sting his skin and momentarily give him pain.

Your son needs to be trained to choose rightly. He is now trained to choose the opposite of your will. The problem runs much deeper than a failure to obey; he has a willful commitment to defy your will. You have developed an adversarial relationship with him. He is in fact a rebel at heart, bent on bringing down your authority and proving his independence. The two of you have different agendas. You said spanking doesn’t work. I am assuming that you have consistently administered the spanking in a quiet, controlled manner, without anger, and with sufficient force to sting his skin and momentarily give him pain. Some parents who have had the same complaint as you have seen a complete turn around when they discovered that their “spankings” were just irritating little swats that did not hurt at all. When the kid got a real spanking he perked up and started respected their threats. Never use your hand to swat the child. If you actually hit him hard enough to hurt, you would cause damage to the tissue, bones, and joints. Use a small, light instrument on bare skin, four or five licks, something that will sting mightily but not leave marks or bruising. If you are convinced that you have indeed spanked him soundly—he has squirmed and hollered in pain and still refused to obey—then you should stop spanking. Your problem lies elsewhere. Spanking is not punishment; it is the last word of authority in an admonition to obedience. When used before admonition its purpose is to grab the child’s attention and show him the seriousness of the moment. Some very strong spirited children learn they can endure the pain and maintain their pride and will become even more defiant. Their spirit grows stronger and their wills more resolved. Like a terrorist under torture, they find satisfaction in defying their captors. There is a great sense of self esteem and power in maintaining ones autonomy in the face of great opposition. The only thing left is the self-respect of not yielding to their enemies, of proving their bravery. Let me be very clear, do not follow their lead and give way to excessive spanking or angry retorts and actions that communicate rejection. The way to create an emotionally disturbed child and adult is to constantly criticize him and fail to show affection. Parents are in danger of expressing rejection toward a child that is constantly rebellious; and as a result of his dislikable nature, they fail to show him affection. It is the formula for supplying psychiatrists with another patient to drug. I have no doubt that laziness is the human weakness that originally provoked him to neglect household duties. Laziness alone is sufficient to cause a child to disregard his chores and ignore commands. But when he is threatened with a spanking and he defies you to the point of enduring pain, it is clear that he is no longer motivated by laziness. There is now a very powerful force of defiance that springs from his definition of self. To yield would be to give up who he is, the thing that makes him unique. As concerned parents we can not allow him to frame his life with a false and destructive premise. Before I offer some practical suggestions, I need to raise a relevant issue. I know from reading many letters that you are wondering why your third child is rebellious when he was trained exactly as were the first two, and they did just fine. Kids are all different. When parents have two mild mannered, complaint children first, they get relaxed and even lax in their training. And when they give birth to a little Viking, they are amazed that he doesn’t respond in the same manner as the others. Some kids are best molded with a gentle touch and others must be chiseled with much labor. You’ve got a granite rock that will need chisel and hammer, but with a caution that he could be easily fractured. This article is a part of the new book I am writing called Traditional Child Training. It covers this subject thoroughly, but it will not be available until early spring of 2012. For now, I will give an abbreviated formula. It will also help if you go on line and review articles like, “The Flavor of Joy” and watch the video “The Joy of Training.” OK, let’s get to an answer. You have failed in the first principles of child training and cannot now resolve all the issues at the end of a switch. Remember what I said, “We want his spirit to direct his will to do what he ought.” He must be bought to the place to where he finds pleasure in cooperating and obeying. He must be led to choose the good for the satisfaction it brings.

Your goal is to get him addicted to sweet fellowship so that he comes to value you as a source of endless delight. In turn he will care for you.

You need to go back and lay the foundation properly this time. The first principle of child training is to establish a relationship of trust and fellowship. Fellowship is sharing something personal with another. We fellowship with people that make us feel better about ourselves. It is mutual giving and receiving. Fellowship requires trust and confidence in the good will of the other. We make ourselves vulnerable when we enter fellowship with another, so we must trust that they have our best interests in mind. Your son does not believe you are committed to his best interest. He sees you as an adversary that must be beaten—and he finds pleasure in the process. You will counter his warped perspective by creating for him a new channel of pleasure not dependent upon his surrender to you. Your goal is to get him addicted to sweet fellowship so that he comes to value you as a source of endless delight. In turn he will care for you. He will care how you feel. He will not want to make you sad. On the contrary, he will be sad when you are grieved. “Love covers a multitude of sins.” You said, “We try to show him that we love him.” The word “try” stands out like a doom’s-day prediction the day after it didn’t happen. Love is not a sentiment, nor is it an intention or a duty; love is pouring out the soul moment by moment. It is seen in the eyes and experienced in the actions. Love does not originate in our need; it is responding to the need of another. Dear lady, your son does not feel loved. Let me put it another way; he does not feel valued. He does not think of himself as a part of the family unit—a part of the fellowship. He is on the outside establishing his identity in defiance of the norm.

In good times, when emotions are in neutral, when you are not asking anything of him, come along side of him and share good experiences. Let him see your delight in his performance—any performance, as long as he thinks it is an accomplishment.

You must make him an insider, a participant in the social order. You do that by turning your heart to him and then his heart to you. “And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers….” Malachi 4:6 Notice in the passage the father turns his heart to his children before the children turn their hearts to their father. The children’s turn is conditioned upon the father’s turn of heart. Your son must feel valued and cherished. It is not enough to cherish him; he must feel it as well. Don’t expect to establish fellowship and make him feel valued in the midst of conflict. In other words, when he is in the midst of an act of defiance, that is not he time to try to tie sweet strings. That would just dilute your authority—make you look weak and ineffectual. He would despise you for it. Rather, in good times, when emotions are in neutral, when you are not asking anything of him, come along side of him and share good experiences. Let him see your delight in his performance—any performance, as long as he thinks it is an accomplishment. Empty “positive affirmation” that has no basis in actual performance is counterproductive. Take his hand and lead him to accomplish something worthy. It can be as simple as a drawing, a stunt on his tricycle, or jumping off the couch onto a cushion. Spend face time with him. Let him become addicted to your favorable attention. He should be moving from one thing to another to please you, to cause you to laugh, to make you brag on him to others. When you have given him your heart, he will give you his. When he is living in a stream of fellowship and seeking to please you, he will not want to interrupt that communion with acts of disobedience. If he becomes dependent upon your approval he will not want to lose it by giving in to laziness. This transformation will not come magically or suddenly. It will be a process that may have some setbacks, but don’t give up. Fellowship is sure to work. You just have to keep laying the foundation. He may have to suffer the emptiness of defiance several times before he puts it together and understands the cause and effect, making a choice to protect his stream of fellowship with happy compliance.

Where it concerns an extremely defiant kid, don’t overreach in trying to gain perfect compliance. Set the bar low so you can win even if the win is a fraction of what you actually desire.

You will ease him into obedience. Here is the way to approach it. When the happy juices are flowing and he is enjoying your company, hand him some of the dirty clothes you are carrying to the laundry and continue your fun as you walk and talk together. He will not see it as a transition from fun to duty. While avoiding making demands that will lead to a confrontation where he falls back into his habit of defiance, continue to involve him in household duties at a level that remains fun. When you are wiping off the table where he spilt his food, hand him a rag and the two of you wipe together. Make a game out of it. Laugh. Chase his rag with yours. Race to see who can get their side of the table cleaned first. Slowly transition from hand in hand sharing of work to just asking him to do a very small job alone. One day you will find him happily doing that which previously turned him into a French revolutionary or a Wall Street protester. When he balks at a command, you must make sure three things occur. First do not back off from your authority. Secondly, do not transform into an angry policeman, ready to sentence him to 30 days in jail. Maintain your calm, controlled self. If anything, move and speak a little slower, more deliberately and intensely. There will be a little tension in the air and he will be aware that you have stopped your routine and are seriously focused on him. His defiance may be just old habits reasserting themselves, or it may be naturally laziness, and the seriousness of the moment may cause him to wish he had taken a different course. Give him space to return to the cheerful, cooperative path. It you explode into anger and rejection he may retreat to the old paths of solitary rebellion. So leave him an easy path by which to return emotionally. Speak seriously so he feels the moment and knows he is at a cross roads, but speak as if you expect him to amend his ways and share in the burden of labor. Patiently point out the need for him to do his share as part of the family unit. Explain how it would be if you didn’t cook; the family wouldn’t have anything to eat. And if Daddy didn’t work we wouldn’t have any money to buy groceries; so he will have to do his part as well. If he still resists obeying, and you have covered all the bases up to this point, then you will need to win the contest of wills. In the animal kingdom, the parent always wins—without exception. The young are forcibly caused to submit. Likewise, in the real world to which he will emerge, the boss always wins; the policeman always wins, and the judge always wins. It is time for him to learn the rules. Where it concerns an extremely defiant kid, don’t overreach in trying to gain perfect compliance. Set the bar low so you can win even if the win is a fraction of what you actually desire. The important issue is psychological. The child must come away from the experience feeling that he gave in and failed to maintain his rebellion. He must acknowledge you as the alpha female of the herd—the big boss. He must be made to feel his weakness in the face of your power. This is accomplished by causing him to give-in on some level—any level, no matter how small. If he comes away from the confrontation having begrudgingly surrendered his will to yours, you have triumphed. It is the second step to a cheerfully obedient son. The first step was fellowship.

If you don’t have enough grace to restrain yourself while constraining him, it will be best for you to leave him be and go about the business of bringing yourself to maturity.

What might victory look like? You have told him to put his toys back in his box and he has refused. Get you switch and swat his exposed legs hard enough to make him squirm, calmly commanding him to pick up “That toy,” pointing to one close at hand. If he refuses to touch it after three commands and three spanks, calmly, not hastily, take hold of his hand and constrain him to pick up the top and drop it in the box. Do that with two or three toys and then tell him that you are going to help him finish the big job. In a tone that suggests the sweet fellowship he has previously enjoyed, say, “I will help you get finished so we can go out and swing.” [He loves swinging, so it is an inducement to obey.] “Here, I have picked up one; now you can pick up one.” [You are holding the toy in your hand waiting for him to pick up a toy.] If he picks up a toy, flood your face and voice with the praise and fellowship he has come to enjoy. Then, with a laugh, say, “Let’s hurry so we can go swing.” And begin grabbing the toys and throwing them in the box. I would expect him to laugh and join in the fun, grabbing the toys and throwing them as fast as he can. He will come away knowing you are boss and the rule of law must be obeyed. Continue in this vane until he is readily obedient in all things. But what if he still refuses to pick up a toy after you have constrained him to pick up two or three? I cannot imagine a little fellow being so committed to rebellion that he maintains his defiance through all of this. If so, for his sake you must continue the process of forcing him to do the job until every toy is picked up. His hand may not close around the toy, but as long as you are forcing his hand to move with yours, he will come away knowing you won. If he is kicking and screaming the whole time, do not create an ongoing confrontation that you cannot win. Walk away smiling as if you got everything you desired. Then resume house work or invite him outside to swing. You won. Act like it. He will pick up your attitude and know you are in charge and are now happy with his performance. Remember the end goal here is for him to perceive you as the final authority. His little developing soul needs you to win. If you don’t win now, the judge and the policeman will win later. What kind of husband will he make if he lives to defy? What kind of father? He will not be able to hold down a job or function in society.

Don’t give up, for I have seen many parents with the same problem who have triumphed and saved their child from rebellion.

If you don’t have enough grace to restrain yourself while constraining him, it will be best for you to leave him be and go about the business of bringing yourself to maturity. You can do more harm than good if you become belligerent or excessive in your physical domination of the child. Maybe you need a “time-out.” I don’t recommend them for kids, but sometimes adults need a self imposed retreat to a place of prayer and heart searching. Don’t give up, for I have seen many parents with the same problem who have triumphed and saved their child from rebellion. “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”