No Greater Joy Ministries » Attitudes

Serious Smile

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 11:40:03 +0000

Life is very serious, and so it must be handled with a very serious smile. And it’s best to bring it with you, for quite often circumstances will not provide you with provocation. I am not telling you to “look within.” Sometimes the only smile you can find there is that of a court jester or a cynic. Nor am I suggesting that you somehow transcend reality with some blind spiritual ecstasy. That is an escape reserved for concentration camps and extreme suffering. The creative mind finds it difficult to smile in the midst of drudgery. The difference between a smile and a gripe is not the circumstance, but the point of view. To the rancher it’s a useless place to raise cattle; to the oil man it’s a treasure trove. To the tired mother, repeating the same chores day after day, struggling to keep peace with the children, aware of her fading youth and her failure to have achieved the self-expression she expected, wishing for romance that died too quickly, today is just another burden to be borne; whereas to the mother with a vision for eternity, today is an opportunity to be God’s nanny, teaching His kids to honor Him. She doesn’t carry the burden of personal ambition. Borrowed worries can leave us pulling God’s load, probably in a direction He would never take it. My Daddy used to say that he found life difficult until he resigned as chairman of the universe. The common laborer smiles while his boss pulls his hair out. If you’re not running the company, but assuming the responsibility anyway, you may never find rest. The song says, “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.” If you look at the quality of your trust, your smile may vanish, but if you look to the success of Him whom you trust, there will always be more than enough motivation to smile.

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Dogs Cats and Kids

Michael Pearl — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:00:27 +0000

I just got through feeding the dogs and cats. They are nearly as stupid as humans, controlled by their impulses and prejudices. I scatter dry dog food along the driveway so the two cats and two dogs can eat without being too close to each other. But the two dogs think it is their life’s calling to starve cats to death. One dog, whom I call “Useless,” is the worst cat hater. He will prevent the cats from eating, to his own detriment. I can put a quart of dog food on the driveway and throw a handful under the car where the cats can get to it, and Useless will run around the car, here and there lying on his side, pushing his head up under the car with his tongue stretched to the limit, and scraping up gravel and crushed leaves, all with one purpose: trying to deprive the cat of a single pellet of dog food. Meanwhile, the other dog will be gobbling up all the readily available food assigned to both of them. By the time the cat has eaten and the dog has rescued three or four morsels of food, the other dog will have finished off the first dog’s portion, leaving Stupid Useless with nothing to eat. But, at least the cat knew who was boss! Now, I have seen kids act the same way, and it makes no sense at all. A child has a room full of toys, and another child comes over to visit. When the visitor picks up a single toy that has not felt the hands of its owner in six months, suddenly it is the very toy Snotty wants to play with. It is disheartening to see your child with no more sense than a useless mutt saved from the dog pound’s gas chamber—unthankful, selfish, self-centered, pouty, and downright mean-spirited. Need I point out that all children are descendents of fallen Adam, born into the world without God, possessed of selfish drives that will most certainly result in sinful attitudes and actions? You can demand that Snotty share, and you can quote Bible verses to let your guests know that you are a spiritual person. But, it would be more believable if you just look embarrassed and explained that you have not read the latest issue of No Greater Joy Magazine, nor watched the DVD, Joy of Training. Regardless, it is simply too late. Your kid has humiliated you. The only way I know to cure old Useless is to borrow a really big, sassy, tomcat with an attitude and one-inch claws and feed him sardines right out in the open. It is not that I care for cats; it’s just that I detest having such a selfish dog. I would like to see him get his comeuppance. Very likely, I can’t help you with your dog, but I do have some ideas that will work on your selfish child. You could keep a cache of new toys handy, so that when Snotty does his next ‘dog-hates-cat’ routine, you can get out one of the new toys and give it to the visiting guest. That will take the kink out of his selfish little head. The life principle that will always work for you is one I have stated many times. Never forget it. “Make all negative behavior counterproductive, and reward all positive behavior.” Kids do have complete control of their attitudes, just as you do. The other day, Shalom was trying to take some pictures of Gracie that were to be used in this magazine. She was to share the frame with our other dog, we call “Dog.” Dog takes every opportunity to lick human flesh. Gracie did not like posing with the dog—didn’t want Dog touching her. She had a Cover Girl pout. Every picture looked like the “before-reading-To Train-Up-a-Child” shot. That, of course, wouldn’t do in our magazine, so Shalom said, “Gracie, if you will smile and make a good picture, I will give you a piece of chocolate.” Wow, what transformation! She turned into Miss ‘I-love-to-be-licked-by-the-sandpaper-tongue-of-a-dog-that-has-been-eating-cats’ congeniality. Her smiles and affections to Dog were awesome. She is a born actress. Where did old Grumpy Gracie go? She had control of her attitude when she had a selfish reason to do so. Now, when I say “reward all positive behavior,” Gracie’s situation is not exactly what I had in mind. And when I say, “Make all negative behavior counterproductive,” I don’t necessarily mean spanking. Most negative behavior in a child is not rebellion; it is immaturity, lack of self-control, or emotional struggles. If a parent is perceptive and has a sense of creativity, he can adapt the child’s environment to make negative behavior unpleasant. For example, if you want your child to stop sucking a pacifier, don’t spank, rebuke, or nag the child; just cut about one-eighth of an inch from the tip of the nipple every two or three days. In about two weeks, there won’t be enough left to give any pleasure. It will keep popping out of the little sucker’s mouth. He will be confused about what is happening. He will start wondering why he ever thought that silly thing would give him any comfort. A couple more discrete snips, and he will have to hold it to his face and stick his tongue out to taste it. No pleasure—no need. “Chuck it, little one, and show your smile to the world.” That is what I mean when I say make negative behavior counterproductive. Now, back to our story of Snotty the toy-hoarder. I suggested making his behavior counterproductive by giving a new toy to every young guest that he rebuffs. If, at the beginning of each month, you buy two or three toys to put in your “cache” and explain to him that at the end of the month if you haven’t given them away, he can have them, then he will know that any selfish, “No, it’s mine!” that comes out of his mouth is going to result in the toys leaving the house, he will begin to share with abandoned joy. If you don’t like the reward approach, the next time a visitor is rebuffed by him, move him and his toys into a room by himself, and let him play alone. Take note: he does not really care for the toy, nor does he want to play with it; like Useless, he just wants to assert himself and maintain control, even to his own hurt. When the child he wants to control gets to stay with the more interesting adults and he is shut out, he will welcome the other kid into his room and share what he has. He may hold out changing his attitude until he is sure that you are serious. But with your consistent “treatment” of his problem, in time, he will become convinced that his negative behavior is unproductive. I am thinking about making a vest for my cat, one that has a battery and a transformer that emits electrical impulses through little antennas that stick out everywhere. When Useless touches the cat, he will experience negative sensations in and about his flee-bitten body. Yeah, that might work. Just make sure you don’t get your dog training and child training techniques mixed up.

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Tumbling Tots

Michael Pearl — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 12:00:19 +0000

It is easier to see their faults than our own, mainly because we aren't emotionally involved and are free to think objectively. It is good to consider the advice of others whom you trust. The other evening I was visiting a home, enjoying watching the small children romp. They had placed an old mattress on the floor so the kids could tumble on it. The daddy was stretched out on one side of the mattress encouraging the kids to do bigger flips. Every once in a while they would pile up on him. Great fun indeed! Mother sat off to the side laughing at their creative acrobatics. As the kids started to wear down and the hour grew late, he suggested that it was almost bedtime. After making the same observation several more times over the next few minutes, he told them to stop tumbling and prepare for bed. All three kids took another turn. He then spoke more forcefully (but it still sounded like a suggestion to me) commanding them to cease tumbling and prepare for bed. I could see that they regarded him a little more seriously this time, for they were somewhat hesitant when they again did a flip. He was a little agitated, and so with more force and threat in his voice, he again commanded them to cease their antics and prepare for bed. I watched them mill around as a struggle went on in their souls. "Can I get away with one more tumble? How serious is he this time?" The six-year-old boy put his head down on the mattress and slowly flipped over, looking at his daddy to see if any wrath would follow. His half compliance met with a half command and so he got in one more slow, tentative roll before he settled down. It took about five minutes from the first command to complete compliance. For this family it was normal. The kids obeyed without a fight. No one threw a fit. No one got a spanking. Daddy never got mad. For most families it was without incident--no problem, totally normal. The problem in all this, aside from the fact that the children are not learning to instantly obey, is that for five minutes the children were saturated with anxiousness and rebellion, however subtle. They were defying authority and acting out their self-will. That five minutes was not good for their souls. It created insecurity and damaged their relationship with their parents. You can be certain that because of many moments like that, there will be times when these kids will push it further and openly resist authority. Every moment they hesitated, they were dishonoring their parents. I get anxious at moments like that. I recall how we handled similar situations. I would have been shocked if my children had not instantly ceased with the slightest command. It was unthinkable that they should hesitate to obey and take another half tumble. If one of my kids had ignored my command and done another flip, I would have immediately secured a spanking instrument, had the child bend over in the tumbling position, and given him one good lick on the backside. It is because we were always consistent that we didn't have to spank very often and never had to nag. The children didn't have those five-minute periods of defiance. We remained in fellowship, and they grew up emotionally stable. Think about it.

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Sweet Kids

Rebekah (Pearl) Anast — Sat, 15 Apr 2006 11:10:14 +0000

How do you make your children get along? Dear Rebekah, I enjoy the articles you write and look forward to my copy of No Greater Joy every other month. I have a question though: how do you make your children get along? My son is 5 years old; my daughters are 3 and 1. They fight and squabble about everything. It’s not really violent or hateful, just irritating. I feel like I have to supervise all the time. We are very consistent with the “rights” issue, but the kids are always looking for something, anything that isn’t specifically assigned to one of them, to fight over. They’re so competitive! Ruby, AZ Dear Ruby, Assuming you do train consistently (which should include plenty of kid-work to keep your toddlers busy) and assuming you have a good (non-competitive) relationship with your husband as an example to your children, I would say the answer lies in your focus. Being kind, loving, and sharing gets more “hero points” in our home than any other achievement. Gabe and I offer our highest praise for loving actions, and bestow titles of elevation upon the child that is “going to be a sweet, beautiful mama someday” or “just like Daddy, taking care of his little sisters like Daddy takes care of mama.” Work and school skills are part of the whole picture, but if the tasks aren’t done with consideration and care for one another, they are just “sounding brass and tinkling symbol.” I Cor. 13:1 I recommend reading Love is Like God in the nogreaterjoy.org article archives. Above all, life is about effecting other people. The people nearest us are WHY we work hard, and WHY we do school. We learn to read in order to read to others and write for others. We work in order to make life better for others. We live, not for ourselves, but for those nearest us. All things done selfishly are vain, empty, and very, very temporary. Competition is not a bad thing. Joseph Courage, my son, (almost 5) is also very competitive. He likes to compare what he’s done with what his little sister has done, and come out on top. Instead of noticing his comparison, I pull out some work or a project he did the day before and compare him with himself, making verbal note of the improvements. Occasionally we let him play with other boys on the local playground and compete against them in wrestling, climbing, running, etc. If he was better or faster than them we point it out later when we’re alone with him, and comment on his muscles and his strength, and then come back around to what really makes him special: how manly and kind and wise he is becoming. Kids are extremely smart in an intuitive way. They know what is most important to you and will take up the same torch. If we as parents are focused on temporal performance, our children’s focus will be the same. If your heart’s desire is to please God, and win souls, your children will follow in your footsteps. Here are some fun, practical ideas to help your kids be sweet: Hero Cards Make laminated “hero points” cards. When a child is kind and helpful to his siblings, assign worth by giving him a “hero” card. When he has a certain number (5 or so) he can take the family out for ice cream - thereby being a great hero. When we eat our ice cream, courtesy of Joe Courage, we thank him repeatedly, and talk about how wonderful it is to have such a treat. He goes home on such a cloud of benevolence and satisfaction, it is quite humorous. Negotiation and Responsible Ownership When Joe Courage leaves a prized personal belonging in public territory (the living room), it is fair game for Hannah Sunshine to pick up and play with. Joe must then politely ask for his toy, and offer something of equal value to his sister (negotiation). Hannah is then required to hand over the prized toy. If it is an old toy and not prized or needed, and Honey has been playing with it for a while, Joe is required to wait until she lays it down and then keep it in his room, or else talk her out of it (teaching him to reason and woo). A personal toy is completely safe if it is kept on personal grounds (in Joe’s bedroom) and all important belongings must be put away in designated locations. (This teaches responsible ownership.) Whining and Bullying If Ryshoni comes in whining that Joe has hurt her (accidentally) then Rysha gets a swat for whining and Joe gets a swat for being careless, or more, depending on the level of carelessness. If Rysha comes in without whining - only Joe gets the swat for carelessness. If Joe intentionally bullies Rysha (hardly ever happens) then he gets a spanking based on the level of bullying. I try to keep an eye on the actual events so I know if Rysh is being over-reactive or not. If there is a fight in which both of them are out of line, then regardless of who started it, both of them are spanked. We’ve taught our kids to go away from the child that is causing conflict, so as not to be caught in a bad situation. This counsel applies to the public playground as well, and I’m always amazed at how smart kids are when the rules make sense. So many fights are avoided by the kids deciding, on their own, to separate for a while. Family Treat If all three of the kids have been loving, kind, and cooperative all day, with a lot of good work accomplished, we have a Family Treat of their choice. Usually it involves building a fire in the backyard and roasting hot dogs while sitting on straw bales and drinking hot cocoa. Sometimes it means making cookies or cupcakes and letting them decorate. Other ideas would be, setting up a tent in the living room or backyard to camp out. Going to the local lake or pool to swim, going on a biking/hiking trip in the nearest forest, or going to a local basketball game to eat popcorn and watch a lot of really big guys jump around. Our kids live for these moments, and I try to make at least one a week possible for them. Conclusion Having sweet kids takes a lot less supervision in the long run. Joseph and Ryshoni head out the back door to play as soon as it is officially “day” and before I’m fully awake. Hannah Sunshine (18 mos.) is not far behind them. I have to call them in for meals, and would never see them if I didn’t make schoolwork fun enough to hold their attention for 20 minute intervals in between the play times. They can’t get enough of playing together. The simple guidelines above make their interaction “safe” for them. So when the day is over and the dirt and sand go down the bathtub drain, two voices call out from their twin beds, “Good night Mom, I love you, don’t let the begbugs bite, see you in the morning, it was a wonderful day, and tomorrow will be wonderful too...” Rebekah Joy Anast

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More Than Obedience?

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Feb 2005 12:20:42 +0000

Should I expect her do more than what she is commanded? Isn’t that asking too much? Dear Mike and Debi, I have a question for you. Yesterday I was visiting a friend who also reads and follows your way of child training. While we were talking, my 28-month-old daughter climbed up in a chair and started turning the lights on and off. I commanded her, “Do not touch the light switch.” She immediately removed her hand from the switch part, but after a moment of looking in my face, she reached up and touched the plate around the switch. She slowly ran her fingers over the screws and then traced the outline of the plate, but, as we watched, she carefully avoided touching the switch. I was proud of her obedience. She was doing exactly what I told her to do. However, my friend told me that she was being disobedient by keeping her hand near the switch, and that she should be disciplined for it. We discussed it. Actually, I guess we argued some, and she suggested that I write you. She was sure you would agree with her assessment. I asked my husband when he got home, and he agreed with me that our sweet daughter was doing exactly as she was told. She is more obedient than almost any kid I know, but I have noticed that she will do anything she thinks she can get away with. And, on occasion, though not very often, she will defy me and go right ahead and do the thing I tell her not to do while I am looking her in the face and commanding her otherwise. She always seems to have a sweet attitude, and we have great fellowship together, but I do spank her when she outright disobeys. I am confident that we tie lots of sweet strings of fellowship. Should I expect her do more than what she is commanded? Isn’t that asking too much? A Reader This is a great question, and I am glad to answer it for all our readers. The first level of child training is to constrain them to obey all direct commands. Most parents have failed to accomplish even this most rudimentary step. But, ultimately, we must take the child beyond mere constrained obedience. A faithful trainer can train any animal, reptile, bird, or child to perform under the watchful eye of the trainer, for the trainer (having complete control of the environment) has the power to manipulate, reward, or punish. But we ultimately want much more than that. Our goal is to train our children to possess their own souls in wisdom and self-discipline. They must come to know good and evil, and to choose the good, for someday you will not be there to tell them what to do. If they honor boundaries only when there is strict oversight, they are not developing character. It is what the Bible calls, “eye service” performed as “men pleasers” (Col. 3:22). When an employee watches for his boss and works diligently under his gaze, but relaxes and does not perform to his optimum when the boss is not looking, he is a dishonest, unprincipled crook. Such a man never gets promoted. He is always unhappy with his job, and his job is unhappy with him. A child who learns to perform only when she is under a sharp, scrutinizing gaze is developing an unwholesome character. When Mother commanded her daughter to not touch the light switch, the little girl obeyed because it pleased her to do so. She remembers that Mother is consistent in spanking, and the kid knows she has no alternative but to obey, so she is nearly always obedient enough to avoid the spanking—but no more than that. However, when she ran her fingers around the light switch and almost touched it, she knew she had the attention of everyone in the room. She was playing with their minds. She was challenging authority right up to the point of judgment. Her caressing of the light switch was a clear demonstration of her will to defy. For her, it was an exhilarating experience to daringly keep her hand so near the forbidden fruit—so near to the ax of judgment, like driving dangerously, defying the odds. Every experience like this is molding her character, and even her body, to love the thrill of challenging authority. She was playing with the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil—if not to eat it, then to let authority know that she wanted to eat of it. In her mind, she was obeying, but “almost not” obeying. The act of pushing to the edge of disobedience obviously gave her a thrilling sense of control. The parents didn’t recognize it, but her actions were a “cloaked” but very transparent expression of rebellion, which they should have seen through. All this is hard to declare an act of rebellion if the child is a sweet little thing, but it can make your blood pressure rise if it happens to be observed in an ornery 4-year-old boy who glances back at you with a “I’ll not touch it, but I could if I wanted to!” look on his face. This is a classic instance that pictures so clearly why we say a child’s character is almost 90% developed by the time they are 4 years old. Obviously, this mother does indeed fellowship with her daughter in a very productive way. The lack of temper in the child demonstrates a desire to abide on good terms. She does not have a will to antagonize her mother, as many children do, but she does have a will to remain independent of authority and to seek her own without regard to the rule of law. At her present young age, the power of the parents to constrain her is sufficient, but, while she obeys on the outside, a spirit of defiance is growing on the inside. As her powers of nature develop, there will come a day when she will not be ruled by intimidation. She will stand in “practiced” defiance and do what is in her heart; and it will not be pretty! Parents will wonder what “suddenly” happened to their previously compliant fourteen-year-old daughter. These parents may continue to point to their daughter’s good nature as an indication of the effectiveness of their training. Children are all different in their natures, that is, their temperaments and personalities. Some children are explosive and passionate, no matter the situation. One child loves loudly and rebels loudly, while another child is sweet and passive, whether in love or defiance. When a child throws fits of defiance, it is easy to identify it as rebellion, but when a child sweetly seeks her own way contrary to our commands, it does not alarm us as much as does the loudly defiant child. But it certainly would, if we could see the future. The home will remain quiet and peaceful with a sweet, self-willed child making her own way around the rule of law, but the soul of the child is all the while in great jeopardy! When she gets into her teen years and the allure of alternate paths is placed before her, will she look to see if mother is watching? If she has developed the habit of pushing the boundaries to the very edge, and sometimes beyond when it pleases her, what hope is there that the sixteen-year-old will suddenly become a woman of principle? My suggestion to these parents is that they become more diligent to recognize passive rebellion. I can remember my own experience with our young children. When I suspected that the child was giving half-hearted obedience, I instinctively went after it as if it were overt rebellion. You must cause the child to let go of all expressions of defiance. Demand that the little one surrender her very body language and every gesture to authority. Go after the attitude. In the “light switch” situation, I would say, “Leave the light switch alone.” If there is a moment’s hesitation, any sign of delayed compliance, rise immediately and give her hand (the offending hand) two or three licks with a small switch. Don’t delay even fifteen seconds. No more discussion or rebuke. No removal to a more secluded location. No “bend over on the couch.” Before she can move away from the area of the switch, administer the rod of truth. After such an episode, to confirm that she has yielded completely, give her several other commands not related to the immediate situation. Put her through a brief “drill” to certify your authority and her submission. For example, you might tell her to move the chair to a new location, “Put the socks in the laundry, “Sit down—Stand up,” etc. Now, my reader may ask, “How is a more strict interpretation of obedience, with its subsequent enforcement, going to reach the child’s heart in a way that will impart personal convictions. How will this build a value system that will cause her to live by the rule of law and not just eyeservice?” Children develop a worldview from the context we parents provide, and their knowledge of good and evil is learned through the eyes of their parents. Children are not born responsible, neat, diligent, and honest. They learn these things from their culture—their environment and their daily activities. Teaching is important, but it is perhaps only 10% of their learning, whereas example is closer to 90%. Children learn what to be afraid of by what causes you fear. They learn what to trust and how to respond to a given situation by watching you. And then, there is the matter of boundaries. All parents establish boundaries, whether narrow or broad, visible or invisible. The boundary line is the point where you consistently demand compliance. It doesn’t matter what you say about the boundaries. What matters is how far you are willing to allow the child to go before stopping her. The point beyond which you NEVER allow her to go is the true boundary. On the inside of the boundary are your “Please . . . I wish you wouldn’t . . . That is not nice . . . I am not going to tell you again (but you do) . . . I am going to get my switch . . . Stop that right now!” Outside the boundary is the place they are never allowed to go without swift and decisive consequences. Boundaries are an expression of convictions and values. You communicate what is good and what is bad by the way you enforce boundaries. If you allow the little girl to dawdle around the light switch, you are teaching her that minimal outward compliance is all that is expected. YOUR PERMISSIVENESS COMMUNICATES THAT “ATTITUDES” ARE OK. When you spy an attitude in your child and you confront it with deliberation, the child learns that “attitude” is not acceptable. It is the best form of teaching. You are presenting an unmistakable message about good and evil. The child raises her standards as you reveal yours. Parental boundaries and values are passed to the next generation in just this manner. You likely know such a child as the “light-switch kid” who is now a wife and mother. She does what her husband commands her, but she looks for ways to do as she pleases, even when she knows that he won’t be pleased. She reasons that she is a good and dutiful wife, for she never disobeys flagrantly, but she finds pleasure in her ability to circumvent his will by “obeying” him to the letter only. You know other adults who do what God clearly commands, but their manner of dress and conduct expresses that they never learned to live and obey with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength–as if they were obeying God! Those people had loose and fluctuating boundaries when they were young. There is much more to child training than what we have covered here, but this will help you to fine-tune an already fairly well-trained child. Michael Pearl

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The Will To Dominate

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Aug 2000 11:00:12 +0000

The following article deals with a very important subject that we have touched on before but never discussed in detail—a child’s will to dominate. I chose this letter because it so clearly represents the many letters we receive. Though this mother has a good attitude and represents her responses as calm and controlled, she has failed to properly train. She is perplexed because her younger daughter is not so dominant. She feels there is something different about this one. All children occasionally manifest a will to dominate, but only a few are as intense as this child. Things can get out of hand in a hurry. I underlined portions of her letter to draw your attention to key statements that reveal the child’s attitude. I know this article is going to liberate many of you from uncertainties that have kept you from being firm and forceful with your little dictators. I have also given practical solutions for eradicating this diabolical will to dominate.

Dear Michael and Debi, Our daughter Sue is almost four. She has been a handful right from birth. In the hospital nursery they had to keep her in a separate room because her screaming disrupted the other babies! The hospital nursery workers told my husband that we were going to have our hands full. Sue never wanted to be cuddled until she was sick for the first time at 8 months of age. She wouldn’t even let us take her hand to show her things, even pat-a-cake! Sue was frustrated (and still is) about everything. frustrated that she couldn’t roll, mad that she couldn’t sit, furious that she couldn’t walk or talk. We didn’t help matters by always putting her to sleep by means of walking, rocking, or nursing. Consequently, she never learned patience. We always went to her or picked her up with the first whimper, since we knew it would soon turn into a full blown, purple faced, raging fit. She had a temper. Finally at eleven months of age we began proper and consistent training, and when she turned one she at last began sleeping through the night. When I asked her to put up her toys, she would throw the toys the other way, even after I would make a fun game of it, doing most of it myself. Or sometimes she would pick one item up as slow as a turtle, or place the toy on the edge of the bucket, so more often than not it would fall out, not in. And yes, after a long time of working on the cleanup concept, I’m sure I applied pressure – nothing ever got cleaned up! She’s still the same, picking up items with her feet or mouth, or going on to play with something else when I leave the room. Funny how her sister Ruth was taught the same way, and right from the start she loved putting things in buckets, and is a wonderful cleanupper. Sue is the same if I ask her to put her sandals on and go collect the chicken eggs. She puts her boots on instead. I’ll say, "No Sue, your sandals." So she puts her sandals on backwards. I’ll say, "No Sue, put them on properly," and she’ll put them on and run out, only to take them off when she gets outside. When I realize she hasn’t returned with the eggs, I look out and see her sandals are off her feet and she is playing in the mud. I finally had to take away the privilege of collecting eggs, adding it to my responsibilities. Staying in bed has been an issue since the 2nd week after we put her in a big bed. The novelty wore off and she realized her freedom, even though she understood the rules – no getting out of bed unless she calls and asks. Nap time and bedtime became spanking time. Off the bed she would come 2, 4, 10, 20 or more times! When we couldn’t take her bottom getting another spanking, we began to look for other penalties. If she got off the bed, we put her in the playpen (the crib was then occupied by her baby sister). She hated that, and would throw a fit and a half. She quickly learned how to climb out of the playpen. We finally took down her big bed and let her sleep on the floor. Now that little brother has arrived, Sue and Ruth share a room. Ruth, who never questioned our authority about when it was time to go to bed, and who would be breathing heavily in less than five minutes, now jumps off the bed along with Sue. Sue will also call out many, many times, keeping herself and us up until nearly 10:00 some nights. We make sure all needs are met before lights are out (potty, drink of water, read a Bible story, tucked in, one song while I rub backs, a few more minutes of ‘talk about’ if it’s not too late, and send daddy in one more time). Then the games begin. She wants more water. We say no. She wants a teddy bear or doll. She wants to talk some more. She wants another hug. She wants her back rubbed again. She wants more kisses or hugs. She wants to blow us kisses. The problem is, we have found that if we deny her any of the things she requests, and she goes to sleep on a bad note, like if we spank her for anything, she wakes screaming in the middle of the night, demanding the one thing we denied her before putting her to bed. This literally went on for weeks. Lack of sleep was affecting everyone. We warned her before bed not to wake everyone up in the night or she would be spanked the next morning. That did not faze her. If she goes to sleep on a good note, with no spanking, then there is no problem in the middle of the night. But we can’t give her everything she demands at all hours of the night. Sibling rivalry is another issue. Sue is selfish to the extreme, and very mean to her sister. She ‘bugs’ her sister all the time, which warrants a spanking, and she usually takes advantage of the times I am nursing her brother. (He was on oxygen and monitors for a long while and so was used to nursing in a quiet room – now if I try it in any other location, he refuses. He also has to be upright after feeding so I can’t just lay him down and go chastise her during his feeding.) She knows she will be punished, but enjoys the moment to it’s fullest. Her behavior during spanking is difficult as well. I will ask her if she knows why she’s going to get a spanking, and she will say, "for being mean to Ruth." Then when I spank her she will flail, arch, and start SCREAMING, "huggie, huggie, huggie," over and over. I’ve told her before that when she’s ready to hug to stand up and come get one, so I now consider this screaming a form of talking back and I spank her again and again and again. We go through this every time. It is a very tiring day. Now, this whole letter has begun to sound as if we have WWIII going on in our home constantly. Admittedly, my husband often comments that Sue may be only a skinny little 30 pounds, but when she wakes in the morning in a foul mood, the whole family is completely affected the rest of the day. She can be a real sweetie, saying "Mama, you’re the best!" Or in the middle of brushing her teeth she’ll stop and give me a hug, or she’ll put a whole bunch of toys together into a bag and give me her "present." She is so easily distracted, and most times her behavior is not necessarily out and out disobedience. Yes, there is a standard that she has to meet, but spankings don’t seem to change her behavior. She even has missed out on numerous family outings. If she throws a fit, we do not allow her to go with us, but take her to my mother to keep. When we return, she acts indifferent and boasts of what a swell time SHE had. This letter has become quite lengthy. I have been "Rambling" a bit myself. Sue has so much energy, a short attention span, a wicked temper, and a very strong will, and it all manifests itself in a disregard for rules. We thought that by age four we wouldn’t need to spank nearly so often. But instead of decreasing, the instances have increased! Can you offer any suggestions?

Michael discusses the letter This mother said of her daughter, "She has been a handful right from birth." She tends to think her child’s problems are not learned but rather inherited. She continues, "She never wanted to be cuddled." There are many physical reasons why a newborn may be very uncomfortable, in pain even, from being touched. Originally, the screaming may have had a physical cause. However, the physical problems will remedy themselves in time, but the attitude that she developed while in that state of discomfort is not a product of genetics or a birth condition. Pain doesn’t make a child selfish and mean, but it can provide an opportunity for selfishness to grow. Note: this mother called her one-year-old daughter’s actions "temper." She may have begun life with some kind of discomfort, but eleven months later, her anger was a learned habit. She said that when she "asked her to put up her toys, she would throw the toys the other way," or "she would pick one item up as slow as a turtle, or place the toy on the edge of the bucket, so more often than not it would fall out, not in." The actions of this child cannot be explained in terms of personality. She had developed a willfulness to defy authority. Her slow "obedience" was a deliberate statement that, though they had the power to force compliance, they did not have jurisdiction over her soul. This mother said her daughter is "still the same, picking up items with her feet or mouth, or going on to play with something else when I leave the room." By picking up items with her feet or mouth, she was technically obeying while proving her independence. It was symbolic obedience, designed to avoid the crises of disobedience, while at the same time making a statement of defiance. She said, "Her sister Ruth was taught the same way, and right from the start she loved putting things in buckets, and is a wonderful cleanupper." It is true that one child will be born with a personality that is more social and group minded, while another from the same family will be more independent in nature. When a mare has two colts, one may be wild and full of spunk, hard to break, while the other may follow its master around like a dog. Both of them can be broken to the saddle, but with different techniques. If a trainer uses the same methods on both horses, he may train the compliant horse, while making a rebel of the spunky one. Another trainer, using a more overriding technique, may train the spunky horse while crushing the spirit of the gentle-natured horse. All children are different. You may have four that are gentle and one that likes to jump fences and investigate the unknown. The more independent natured horses are more likely to ‘go bad’ if they are not handled correctly. If the gentle horses ‘go bad’ it is not so obvious because they don’t jump fences and kick you. They just stand with their heads down, afraid to enjoy themselves. Ruth is gentle in nature while Sue is independent, but we expect a good attitude and complete obedience from both of them. Here is where it gets interesting. Mother said, "If I ask her to put her sandals on and go collect the chicken eggs, she puts her boots on instead. I’ll say, ‘No Sue – your sandals.’ So she puts her sandals on backwards. I’ll say, ‘No Sue, put them on properly,’ and she’ll put them on and run out, only to take them off when she gets outside. When I realize she hasn’t returned with the eggs, I look out and see her sandals are off her feet and she is playing in the mud." Again, what you are seeing is a will to dominate. Sue is consumed with the joys of independent action. She is exhilarated by defying authority. We are seeing the heart of a rebel. It is not as if she had a preference for backward shoes. She will always choose the opposite side of an issue. She wants conflict, because only in conflict can she prove her independence. She wants to do the opposite because that is who she has decided to be. When Sue would not stay in bed, Mother removed the bed and let her sleep on the floor. Sue won the battle. Every time she sleeps on the floor she knows that her spirit has not been broken. Mother is the one that broke. Her parents gave up. They couldn’t win the battle of the bed, so not trusting their own authority, they disposed of the game. "Ha, weak, spineless parents; they can’t tell me what to do!" That ‘fit and a half’ is just a tool to intimidate her parents. Mother said, "We make sure all needs are met before lights are out. (potty, drink of water, read a Bible story, tucked in, one song while I rub backs, a few more minutes of ‘talk about’ if it’s not too late, and send daddy in one more time. Then the games begin. She wants more water. We say no. She wants a teddy bear or doll. She wants to talk some more. She wants another hug. She wants her back rubbed again. She wants more kisses or hugs. She wants to blow us kisses. The problem is, we have found that if we deny her any of the things she requests, and she goes to sleep on a bad note, like if we spank her for anything, she wakes screaming in the middle of the night, demanding the one thing we denied her before putting her to bed. " She was correct in calling it a game. Sue is not thirsty or lonely or needing to go potty. She is seeking one last symbolic victory before going to bed. If I read this home correctly, she is not starved for affection or approval. She is not suffering from "low self-esteem." She is enjoying the conquest. She knows where her sensitive mother is vulnerable, where she is more likely to feel guilt, to feel the need to comply. How can she refuse one more hug, one more kind word? She has her mother where she is most tender. Her actions say, "Don’t be a bad mother, prove that you love me by doing what I want. I am just a poor, thirsty child about to go to bed dehydrated. I just need to hear your compliant voice one more time before I go to sleep. I need a token of obeisance before you turn the lights out on my kingdom. Prove your loyalty and my worth one more time, and then my ego will be big enough to cradle me until morning." It is a game of tug-of-wills. Games are played for the sake of playing. If Sue cannot win the prize, then it is enough to know that she fought a good fight, that she went down swinging. It is horrible in its implications, that when her parents force compliance, she goes to sleep with that defeat brewing in her soul, and that she wakes in the night with renewed zeal to revive the battle and establish her dominance. Even should she lose the battle, the fact that she woke her parents and stirred their anger gives her a satisfaction that she is still alive, still vital, still autonomous, supreme in her independence. Mother said, "Sibling rivalry is another issue. Sue is selfish to the extreme, and very mean to her sister." Extreme selfishness is not only valuing self above others; it is viewing others as material to be spent and wasted for one’s own entertainment. Mother said, "She ‘bugs’ her sister all the time, which warrants a spanking, and she usually takes advantage of the times I am nursing her brother (he was on oxygen and monitors for a long while and so was used to nursing in a quiet room – now if I try it in any other location, he refuses. He also has to be upright after feeding so I can’t just lay him down and go chastise her during his feeding). On a side note to this mother: By catering to your son’s sensitivity, nursing him where and how he is comfortable, you are allowing him to dictate the terms under which he will be happy. Wean him from his demands for solitude. If you don’t, he will follow in Sue’s footsteps. The way to re-condition him is to go to your secluded place and leave the door open so as to make him a little uncomfortable, but not enough to prevent him from nursing. Every time you nurse him, introduce just a little more noise and confusion until he finds himself nursing while you are singing and jogging. It will work. What you condition a child into, you can condition him out of. Mother said, "She knows she will be punished, but enjoys the moment to it’s fullest." I know prisoners that will hit a guard, knowing that they are going to have their sentences lengthened, spend time in solitary confinement, lose privileges, have their parole date put off, and possibly get a beating as well. Why do they do it, knowing the suffering it will cost them? Because at that moment there is nothing more important in the universe than "showing this punk guard that I will not take this off nobody." That attitude started before 12 months of age, and no one was ever big enough to stand up to him. When Sue interrupts a spanking, crying "huggie," it is nothing more than a ploy to stop her immediate suffering. At some time in the past, this diversion worked, and she keeps trying to use it, hoping it will work again. She is appealing to motherly instincts—engaging in psychological warfare, a way whereby she can gain the upper hand in the contest. She is seeking to redefine the issues by focusing on mother’s feelings rather than her own disobedience. In the case where a kid is truly broken and contrite, and the child approaches you for reassurance, the hug would be appropriate, but not when it is used as a diversion. I did not hug my kids after spanking them. I didn’t want to confuse the issue. Spanking is a time when you are rejecting an attitude or behavior, not a time to confer a reward. I had no fear of communicating rejection, for I spent 100 minutes smiling into the face of my child for every one minute that I spent disapproving of him. Don’t confuse the issue by trying to do two things at the same time. Spank your child. Then tell her to dry it up. And with no show of emotion, tell her to get back to what she was suppose to be doing to begin with. It is all over in thirty seconds. No trips to the bedroom—no special, emotional sessions. When they do something lovely, then you can love them. She said that Sue "can be a real sweetie, saying ‘Mama, you’re the best!’ Or in the middle of brushing her teeth she’ll stop and give me a hug, or she’ll put a whole bunch of toys together into a bag and give me her ‘present.’" Children that have a will to dominate do not always seek confrontation. They can appreciate love and peace just like anyone else. It is just when you cross the child’s will, or when the demon of dominance (speaking figuratively) takes her that she is compelled to crush all contenders. A foul mood is animosity. It is a rejection and condemnation of others. In short, it is hatred and anger. Mother said, "She even has missed out on numerous family outings. If she throws a fit, we do not allow her to go with us, but take her to my mother to keep. When we return, she acts indifferent and boasts of what a swell time SHE had." Her ‘act’ of indifference is just another way of robbing her parents of winning the contest, or it is a way of professing to have won by claiming to have had a better time than she would have had if she had gone with them. She sees that it hurts them and she enjoys the appearance of control, even in the midst of defeat. What motivates her? When we see this nearly four-year-old child exhibiting bizarre defiance, our first thought is, Why? What is in her mind when she puts her sandals on backwards? It seems so pointless. What motivates her to be antisocial? Why antagonize her mother, who’s approval she must value? We could understand if she was trying to avoid some difficult responsibility or gain some secret pleasure. Deviant behavior makes sense if it is driven by a desire to eat forbidden fruit, but who wants to drink water when you are not thirsty, or get up out of bed so you can get another spanking? Why create your own misery? In criminal cases, the prosecutor must first establish a motive, for no one acts without sufficient cause. Was it passion, greed, lust? What did the perpetrator hope to gain? When the one known to have committed a crime has no motive, the authorities consider him mentally ill. A sound mind will always choose the path of pleasure, passion, or profit. His trail may be twisted and evil, but it can always be explained in terms of self-gratification—except in the case of the psychopathic and children like Sue. She will sabotage any parental attempt to introduce control and reason. It is as if everything was wired backwards. Not all children are like this, but there are enough of them to make birth control popular and to keep the pharmaceutical companies wealthy selling Ritalin. This concerned and perplexed mother is not alone. We receive hundreds of letters describing conditions identical to Sue’s. Disciples of the New World Order line up to drug their children into oblivion, while Christian parents are lining up to get the devils cast out of their kids. I could wish the problems were as simple as demon possession. The Christian family can rid their children of devils in a thirty second prayer. But if this deviant behavior we see in children like Sue is a manifestation of their own character, then the fall of Adam is still in progress, and parents have a front row seat to ongoing depravity. Defiance itself The only factor common to all her weird acts of defiance is defiance itself. She seeks to dominate because that is where her greatest pleasure lies. Sue finds pleasure in standing crossways to the will of others. She is on a quest for sovereignty—to be the supreme potentate. She will not make the compromises necessary to be a part of society. She has set herself against the rules of group cooperation. She seeks to live beyond authority. The original sin Lucifer was the first one to take independent action. The Bible speaks of his motive: "I will ascend up; I will exalt my throne above the stars of God (above other angels and cherubim); I will be like the most high (be like God) (Isaiah 14:14)." The original sin was not committed by Adam. It was committed by Lucifer, the cherub. He developed a will to dominate, to control, to call the shots, to direct not only his affairs, but the affairs of others. He wanted to be sovereign. Lucifer (now known as Satan) was disembodied and cast down to the earth (then called Eden) before Adam and Eve were created. (Is. 14:12-15; Ezek. 28:13-17; Job 38:7; Luke 10:17; Rev. 12:9) He knows that he will end in the fires of hell. He has no hope of winning, yet he still seeks symbolic victories. With defeat certain, he seeks gestures of defiance. He wants to express his rebellion in tokens of contempt. Satan finds pleasure in the knowledge that he is not giving God the pleasure of supremacy. In his twisted thinking, his very existence, every defiant thought and act of noncompliance, is a denial of the sovereignty of God. In that alone he finds meaning and purpose. There can be no ultimate pleasure for Satan, so he lives for the immediate pleasure of reveling in his own autonomy, in defiance of God. Seeing this, we can understand why "God prepared hell for the devil and his angels." So, who is to blame? Who is at fault? Did Sue’s parents bring her to this, or is it the fault of something that occurred on the theological battleground before she was born—the fault of God? Did she inherit this behavior? You will be in step with current trends if you label her behavior as "the sins of the parents visited on the children." When we mortals are called to account for our stewardship, we are prone to pass the blame. To hear Christians explain their failures, either Adam is to blame, the devil, or my "sinful nature." I am a victim. My child is a victim. We are helpless. To be known as psychologically astute you must not demand anything of your child or yourself, for, according to trends, we are capable of nothing but toleration and compassion. This concept has been prevalent in all generations, but our day could be called "The Age of the Victim." Likewise, in this era of "science," everything, including behavior, can be explained in terms of chemicals, genetics, predispositions, personality types, in short—a sort of cosmic fate. No one is responsible. So the politically correct approach is to either ignore bad behavior or sedate it with chemicals. But this mother does not subscribe to a philosophy or theology that leaves her helpless. Though she is perplexed as to what she should do, she knows that there are answers, things she can do that will purge her daughter of this diabolical will to dominate. How and Why Even before Adam and Eve sinned, the element in their natures that drew them to disobedience was a desire for pleasure—the pleasure of taste, the pleasure of sight, and the pleasure of mental ascendancy. God created us with a desire for pleasure, something that is an essential part of his nature. God seeks the pleasure of his own will. Pleasure in any form is the elementary motivation of the human heart. We think of pleasure as primarily physical or sensual, but there is also pleasure of the mind, the spirit, and the emotions. The third aspect of Eve’s temptation was an appeal to her desire for the pleasure of knowing, of being on the inside, of ascending by means of the power of knowledge. It was not her desire for pleasure that was evil. Eve sinned because she sought pleasure without regard to duty. God placed the pleasure seeking parts of Adam and Eve under the control of their spirits and minds. Their volitional part determined just which pleasure they would ultimately value—the pleasure of existing in fellowship with God, under his authority, or the pleasure of independent, self-centered action. Eve chose the lower road of personal sovereignty and independent action. Children recapitulate the fall of Adam and Eve in their own quests for pleasure. Pleasure and Pain During those first weeks, Sue became conscious of the pleasure of her existence. Infants know only pleasure and pain—the pain of being hungry, and the pleasure of nursing; the pain of being sleepy, and the pleasure of a quiet room and soft blanket; the pain of a wet diaper, and the pleasure of having mother change it. At first Sue found all of her pleasure in having her bodily needs met, but in a few days, as she nursed and satisfied her hunger, she came to view the act itself as pleasurable. When her tummy ached and mother burped her, she came to enjoy being held and cooed. Life opened up and she discovered the world was a wonderful place to excite not only the senses, but the mind and spirit as well. Her drives were all instinctive. She was incapable of any sense of responsibility or duty. Her only value was pleasure for the sake of its inherent satisfaction. As she experienced the gratification of having her physical and emotional needs met, she developed wants as well—things that weren’t essential but felt good all the same. To her, there was no distinction. During those early months, parents cannot make any distinction either, and by the time they do, it is far past the time to begin training. Parents live to serve the child, and the child lives to be served. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement. It is when parents allow the child to stay on the throne too long that problems occur. The Contest Begins When Sue was just weeks old, because her parents rushed to meet her every need, she developed a conviction that the world owed her constant pleasure, and that her parents were there to serve her. But there were times when she was cold or hungry, and her parents were unaware of her needs, or for some reason they failed to act immediately. At such times she responded as any human or animal would; she expressed discomfort through body language and whining noises. Her parents did what is natural for parents; they rushed to satisfy the needs (and wants) of their helpless infant. Since the whining brought a favorable response, she very quickly realized that she had control over those people meeting her needs. The whining was adopted as a form of communication. Why not? Parents understood it and responded favorably. In time, whining lost some of its power, so she increased its intensity until it became screaming fits, which worked even better. Wow! She had the power to manipulate her parents. So her communication took on a more demanding and belligerent tone. She was pragmatic. If it works, use it. If it feels good, do it. And all this by her first birthday! It was at this time that Sue’s parents started training her. Not too late to train, but certainly too late to start. The roots of domination When Sue got a little older, her parents lost some of that instinctual tolerance that parents have for their helpless infants. They became increasingly dissatisfied with her intimidating aggression. They kept thinking she would grow out of it, but instead she perfected her techniques. Having decided she was old enough to be disciplined, they started resisting her demands. But Sue did not want to give up her throne, so she intensified the use of tools that had always been effective—"fits and a half." Sometimes she got her way and sometimes she lost the battle. But she found her occasional victory-of-the-wills to be a great pleasure, because at the end of the battle she obtained the indulgence she desired. Symbolic victories But it didn’t stop there. Originally the war-of-the-wills occurred over issues of indulgence. The child wanted to eat, stay awake, put her shoes on, take her shoes off, not eat a certain thing, etc. Parents had one view and the child had another. But after winning enough battles, Sue developed an addiction to the heady sensations of sovereignty. She found great mental satisfaction in using other people to serve her wants. It made her drunk with power to stand against what she knew to be the greatest force in the universe—her parents. Note carefully. Here is the final step that brought Sue to where we find her in this letter. She now seeks symbolic victories over her parents—over all authority. She will take a position for no other reason than that it is the opposite of her parents’, thus enabling her to experience the exhilaration of the fight, with the only prize being the title of winner. Sue now seeks opportunities to score victories over her parents. She finds pleasure in humbling them, in taking the wind out of their sails; just to win the contest of wills, to prove her prowess, to demonstrate her autonomy, to be her own person, to know that no one can make her bend or bow—what joy unspeakable and full of power! The seed of sin This was the third aspect of Eve’s temptation—to be like the gods, to know good and evil without making any judgments. The Apostle John calls it "the pride of life." Originally it was just a child’s desire for pleasure, but not any more. It is now something much worse. This child’s desire for pleasure has now mutated into a desire to dominate. This will to dominate is amazing in its strength, profound in its dedication and consistency, and evil in its disregard for the needs of others. We have discovered the soil in which the seed of sin is germinated. When the will to dominate grows up When tyrants grow up, they learn to control their inclinations in situations where they could embarrass themselves or loose their jobs or friends. The shameful thing is that when they go home, out of the public eye, they take out their need to dominate on their families. Most marital problems are rooted in the fact that one or both parties are trying to dominate the other. Women, normally thought of as more passive than men, are just as prone to have a will to dominate, but, due to their inferior physical statue, their tactics are more subtle than Sue’s. They will use weakness, bitterness, or emotional intimidation as a lever to control others. Reclaiming your authority Now for some answers. As Christian parents, we do not want our children to grow up belligerent and controlling. We are not content to wait until social concerns cause them to redirect their aggressions. We see it as a heart problem that needs to be treated at the root. In one word, I am going to give you the basic principle that will lead to banishing this disease of dominance—WIN—because that is the rule by which the child is playing. When the child decided to be confrontational and challenge your authority, it was for the purpose of winning a game. When you win, the child looses, and the game ceases to be fun. There is no pleasure for the child in always loosing. A gambler is compelled to gamble as long as there is hope of winning. Addiction is kept alive by the hope of an occasional win. If a gambler suffered the misery of losing his savings, home, car, job, family, health, and honor, he would still gamble, because even in losing, his senses are brought to a pitch of keenness and vitality. He finds pleasure in the game, whether he wins or loses, as long as there is hope of winning. However, if he knew that the table was rigged so that he could never win, it would instantly purge him of his compulsion, because there would be no game, no suspense, no risk, and no possibility of the thrill of winning. Gambling at that table would become as dull as the lawnmower blade. Addiction Sue’s addiction to dominance is as strong as any addiction to heroin, alcohol, pornography, or gambling. Lust seeks opportunity. The possibility of opportunity keeps lust simmering on the front burner. This mother said that spanking was just not working. Just as the gambler will lose time after time, yet ignore the pain and press on in hopes of a better day, so a child will suffer the pain of spanking time after time, in hopes of winning the blessed reward of dominance the next time—or maybe the next. If Sue became convinced that there was no game and no chance of winning, that there would never be the "thrill of victory," only "the agony of defeat," she would drop the game and go where she could find true pleasure. Peace on earth, good will toward men Leftwing dogma would advocate turning the other cheek. They would advise us to give the child everything she wants, and when she is bloated with her personal expressions, she will normalize. But the Jungs, Darwins, and Deweys are ready in the wings with drugs in the event their social experimentations don’t work. If their promiscuous approach to child development fails, they have reserved the privilege of labeling the child as a victim of a brain disorder. If you leave a child to function as if his independence and dominance were a viable option, you are not loving the child; you are allowing him to march blindly into certain destruction—not to mention the harm he causes to others along the way. Sue has adopted a false worldview. It is a narrow, blind, and selfish endeavor that offers false hope and empty pleasure. To allow her to continue on this path without meeting a greater power is to allow her to continue to believe a lie that will damn her soul. Those who set aside goodwill and adopt a will to dominate are enemies of God and of the fellowship of humanity. Fear God and the king When adults or children choose the wrong path they must be brought to repentance. Modern, Christian psychology with its feather-pillow tactics will not work. Sue and other children like her need to come smack dab up against the fear of God. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. Jesus said, "I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him (Luke 12:5)." Modern Christianity has had the fear of God driven out of it by counselors, motivational preachers, praise music, and Christian bookstores. Sue is too young to fear God, but properly placed fear is essential to mental and spiritual health. Sue needs to fear her parents as Christians fear God. I am not talking about fear of a spanking, nor fear of their presence, but rather, she should fear the authority they command. When the rod fails Dear Mother, as we said, you cannot depend on spanking Sue into compliance. Do not fail to spank, but don’t expect it to work until you have made some other adjustments. And when you do spank, make sure that it is forceful enough to get her undivided attention. If she can scream "huggie" while you are spanking her, you are probably not spanking hard enough. Do not allow 15 seconds to lapse between the offense and the spanking. And do not allow more than 10 feet between the place of the offense and the place of spanking. The association is essential. Don’t hug her in reference to the spanking. That is an apology, and it is a diversion from the issues. Again, spanking will not be the deciding factor, but it will help keep the pressure on. The Key to Victory The key is to cut off all her attempts to sabotage your authority. When she draws a line and sets herself against your command, never, I say never, allow her to win. She is looking for opportunities to prove her independence and sovereignty. You need to look for opportunities to demonstrate your sovereign governorship. She must be thwarted by a superior power. So far, she has been stronger than you. When you tighten up, she will bear down with her most defiant anger and hostility. Out of desperation, she will try every trick that has ever worked. You do not have to win the battle all at once. You just have to win every contest she throws at you. A plan Put the bed back in her room. Explain to her that she is going to sleep in it all night. Make a list of things you will do before bedtime. Each evening, check off the list with her, and when it is concluded there will be no more repeats. This list will be helpful because you have been allowing her to set the agenda spontaneously, whereas by writing it down, you are making her aware that you have an agenda from which you will not vary, and it is her responsibility to do the conforming. Place a glass of water in her room, and also a little potty. Let her watch the clock with you. When the hand gets to the bedtime hour, you will kiss her good night and leave the room. Do not answer any more questions, and do not respond except with a switch, in the event she breaks any of the rules. If she gets up to potty, there had better be yellow liquid in the pot, or she gets another switching. Do not threaten to spank her until she stops crying. For some children that would work, but you do not want to challenge her to a contest that you cannot win. She may be able to tolerate the pain longer than you can tolerate giving it. Once she outcries the switch, she will keep on doing so, stretching her endurance longer and longer each time. You can harden a child to your ultimatums by allowing her to win the switching-or-else contest. The point is to win any objective contests she initiates. You can’t make her stop crying, but you can stand over her and make sure she does not get out of the bed. You don’t have to spank excessively. Your goal is to get her to "voluntarily" return to the bed. You can get an intercom and mount it high on the wall so you can hear everything that goes on in her room. Don’t let her know that her room is bugged. If you can’t get the intercom, you may have to sleep outside her room. If she gets out of bed, go in there, and without saying a word, give her one or two licks—whatever it takes to get her back in bed. If she rushes to obey when she hears you coming, give her five licks anyway. Do not drag her to the bed. It is important that she exercise her own will to obey. If she throws a screaming fit, give her several moderate licks every few minutes and wait beside her until she is so tired she obeys. Do this all night long, every night, until she readily complies. If she puts her shoes on backwards, do not threaten or complain, just commence giving her licks right on her feet or ankles until she gets her shoes on the right feet. If she takes her shoes off in the yard, do not warn her, just go out in the yard and spank her feet until she finds her shoes and puts them back on. Now above all, to make this effective, you must always maintain the dignity of a judge. You cannot be stressed or emotionally upset. She has been winning the emotional battle—a field you must conquer if you are to win the larger game. Pretend to be indifferent to her suffering at the end of the switch. You must always be calm and deliberate. Lastly, you should reward all good behavior with lots of smiles and participation. Spend time enjoying her when she is in a state of goodwill. Try to keep her in a state of fellowship and participation at all times. Make it difficult for her to turn against the pleasure of fellowship and to sink into a bad mood. Fellowship When you take away a twisted pleasure, like the will to dominate, give her something to replace it. Fellowship and group cooperation is a powerfully stabilizing factor. Don’t allow your child to get bored. Be sure to wear a smile that comes from your heart. Look in your child’s face and show delight and satisfaction. Establish the child in a mental pleasure that is more pleasurable than the will to dominate. Consistency Be consistent. Repeat the former sentence 25 times and then diagram it.

The post The Will To Dominate appeared first on No Greater Joy Ministries.

The Flavor of Joy

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Jul 1998 11:00:57 +0000

Parenting, like courtship, must be properly seasoned with joy. Parenting without joy is not only tasteless, it is tiresome. Joy is the expression of present life—yet more, it is the energy and vision of life that shall be. Parenting without joy is like music without rhythm or flowers without color. A joyless parent can no more raise happy kids than a skunk can raise skunklets that smell good. You say, "But the kids destroy my joy!" I am sure it’s mutual. Without aggressive, deliberate, child training techniques your kids will be unruly and your home will be disorderly, sometimes explosive. You will be unhappy, short, rude, a gripe. If someone asked your kids if you were joyful, what would they say? In many homes the problems are not deep—bad, but not deep. There is no deep-seated hostility or resentment in the family, just chaos, like an intersection with no traffic light. The installation of a traffic light stops all the collisions. The problem at the intersection appears to be one of attitude, that is if you judge by all the horn blowing, fist waving, and drop-dead looks; but once everyone knows the rules and order is established the tension leaves and everything runs smoothly. Likewise, in the home where there is no adequate authority and no consistency of rules, children are generally too unruly and the home is too disorganized to permit positive interchanges between family members. Collisions are frequent. There is no joy. With only a little enlightenment, many parents have applied simple training procedures and gained complete control of their families in just a few days. By taking authority, these parents have eliminated the provocation to anger, in their children as well as themselves. Their anger resulted from frustration. It was just a runaway condition that upon being brought to a halt made everyone happy. Joy came to the family. Order restored will eliminate the anger and hostility provoked by circumstances, but parenting doesn’t stop with conditioning children to outward obedience. It is a blessing to have the circumstantial anger removed, to have peace in the home; but the absence of conflict does not necessarily imply joy. Joy is a positive virtue, not just the absence of conflict. Some parents are joyless regardless of the circumstances. They may not be angry or unhappy, just joyless. Look at it as a scale. Anger or bitterness is on the far left. A stable, sedate personality is in the middle, and joyfulness is on the far right. Granted, children do far better with deadpan parents who have no joy than they do with angry or bitter parents, but they do best when both parents are known for their joy. Bitterness is a plant with a disease. Joyless mediocrity is a plant without disease growing in average to poor soil. Joyfulness is a plant rooted in well-balanced soil with the right combination of rain and sunshine. The Bible tells us to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The body, mind, and will of a child is trained from without, but the soul of a child is nurtured within through example and fellowship. There is no nurturing without joy. As I said another place, "If the joy of the Lord is the Christian’s strength, is not the joy of the parent the child’s strength?" Children must be attracted to their parents by something more than physical lineage. Parents must win in a competition for role model to their children. Children will seek to be like the person who most attracts them. Parents cannot demand respect or admiration. If it is not freely given, it doesn’t exist. Joy attracts everyone. Children are not molded by hands of psychology, but by the breath of inspiration. Children are rooted in parental attitude more than proper technique. More is caught than taught. As salt that has lost its savor is good for nothing but to be cast out and trampled under foot, so parenting that has lost its joy results in a family trampled under foot. As parenting without training is chaos, training without joy is tyranny. Where there is no joy, what of value remains? A soldier can endure the mud, blood, and pain of war by fantasizing of past or future joys, but a child without joy is a lost soul. An occupation without joy can be endured, knowing that there is a sanctuary of joy waiting after hours, but when the sanctuary is joyless, what hope can sustain you? A mature wife may cope with a joyless marriage by consoling herself in the hope of afterlife, but a child cannot so resign himself. A husband may deal with a joyless marriage by losing himself in the rewards of occupation or hobby, but a child has no outlet that can compensate for loss of relationships. Relationships are a part of the adult world, but relationships are all the world to a child. An adult without relationships may be a successful careerists, a reader, a hobbyist, a loner, etc., but a child without relationships is emotionally ill. Where there is no joy there is not even friendship. The other extreme of joy is bitterness. If Christ were joy, Antichrist would be bitterness. No matter the skill or technique, as a painting done in bitterness leaves its scars on the canvas, so parenting done in bitterness will leave its strokes on the canvas of the soul. Bitterness is like a virus; it multiplies until it infects all healthy tissue. It is rottenness to the bones. It doesn’t matter why a parent is unhappy. The parent need not be unhappy about the child, but any unhappiness becomes the child’s bread all the same. Positive creativity is conceived in the womb of joy. God created humans to be happy. Happiness and joy are a healing balm. Joyfulness smiles away all the wrinkles on children’s attitudes. Children who rise up a little grumpy and meet a smiling mother are soon smiling with her. On the other hand, children who rise up grumpy and meet a grump will spiral downward into the pit of misery. "I am tired of them being grouchy; I will put the pressure on them until they straighten up." Pressure never caused a sapling to grow straight. A little girl who gets up with a chip on her shoulder should meet a smiling mother who is undaunted in her expressions of delight. If the child is not soon overcome with joy, she should never be allowed to alter the mood of the family. She should be the odd one, she should cut herself out of the fun with her attitude. If a grumpy child can change the atmosphere to reflect her bad mood then in her estimation she is justified in her grouchiness. You cannot threaten, insult, or intimidate a bad attitude out of a child. If you become angry then the child cannot help but view your discipline as a personal confrontation. It is perfectly natural then for the child to respond in anger. Now there is a religious escape mechanism you can employ at this point to get yourself off the hook and ignore what I have said. First, put on your most devout and earnest expression; breathe deep; sigh; let your shoulders droop just a little; now lower your eyebrows and say, "I know I am not happy, but I do have the joy of the Lord in my heart." Now is the time to say that little ditty you learned in a sermon, "Happiness is based on the happenings of life, which we cannot control, but joy is based on our relationship to God." Now that you have separated happiness from joy, you can admit that you are not happy ("After all it is sort of carnal to be happy.") and profess to have an unseen joy tucked away somewhere. I am sure the kids appreciate the deep joy that you have, but what they need is happy cheerful parents. The unseen joy is all right in a ladies’ deeper life conference, but it is absolutely good for nothing when it comes to raising kids. Finally, ask yourself this question: Is my lack of joy a result of circumstances alone? If you took the proper steps and trained your children to be decent and in order would you then be joyful? Or does your lack of joy result from something within yourself, or maybe something that is not in you? If it is circumstantial then you should be able to reverse the trend in just a few days of training. Many testify that their first day of training transforms everyone. In which case the problem was shallow, just procedural; their technique was off; proper training immediately restored the joy. They were unhappy from without. But if you are unhappy from within, then applying training techniques will help some, but it will not bring the children to where they should be, and it will not give you lasting joy. If your unhappiness is in your soul then you must go to a soul doctor. Jesus Christ is the only licensed soul doctor. All others are fakes. St. John the apostle said, "And these things write we unto you, that your joy may be full (1 John 1:4)." John goes on to discuss the things that bring full joy: "The blood cleanses us from all sin; he is faithful to forgive us of all sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness; truly, our fellowship is with the Father and with his son Jesus Christ; a new commandment I write, that you love one another; I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name’s sake; Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is (taken from 1 John)." Here is one I like: "Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life…for that is thy portion in this life (Ecclesiastes 9:9)." That makes me smile. How about this commandment? "Neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength (Nehemiah 8:10)." Would you resolve as David did? "And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD (Psalm 35:9)." Perhaps you need to confess your sinfulness to God and pray with David, "Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation (Psalm 51:12)." God sums up the Christian experience: "For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost (Romans 14:17)." Religion without joy is Godless. Finally here is the one we based our newsletter on: "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth (3 John 4)." This is the greatest earthly joy.

The post The Flavor of Joy appeared first on No Greater Joy Ministries.

Sibling Squabbles

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Jan 1997 12:00:17 +0000

Children attempt to control their environment, which means the people around them, through pity or threat. Most children come to rely on one approach more than the other. One child will display anger and threat while another just looks broken and hurt. Though the angry child appears to be the most aggressive and intolerable, the two approaches are equally selfish and equally repugnant. The one will grow up trying to settle all personal relationships in an explosive manner; the other will grow up to whimper and have “tender feelings.” Of course, some of us have grown up to become versatile, employing combinations of anger and emotional manipulation. Regardless of whether the lever is anger or pity, the end is the same: to get one’s own way, to be gratified in the senses, take what the other has. It is the lazy, selfish, self-centered approach to life. The self-centered child is marked by constant conflict. I repeat: The self-centered child or adult is marked by constant conflict – self-centered children, self-centered teenagers, self-centered mothers and fathers, self-centered preachers and churches, etc.. Conflict is a clashing of interests – a difference of opinion as to who should be placed first, who should be most highly regarded. Children all want to be first. They want the most, the best; they want it now. At what age do they grow out of this? Somewhere around seventy or eighty, when their flesh dies. Nothing can stop it other than the sanctifying work of Christ; though early training can awaken the conscience to such a high state and discipline the soul to such a degree as to cause the child to grow into adulthood functioning in a most gracious and saintly manner. If you are the primary caretaker of a young child, you have the power, with the grace of God, to mold an eternal soul into the beauty of holiness. What do you do with kids who just can’t get along, who fuss and fight all the time? The atmosphere is punctuated with, “Stop!” “No!” “Give it to me.” “Maaamaaa.” To exacerbate the problem, most parents take the side of the younger child, or of the girl, who is usually perceived as weak. Parents feel compelled to rush to the defense of the one who appears helpless, the one whose selfishness is manifested in hurt feelings and a persecution complex. The other child appears aggressive, but in reality they are both aggressively using their best weapons to get their own ways. It is a mistake to interpret conflict as aggressor and victim. Occasionally that is the case, but not usually. Children are as smart as they are selfish. The ones who don’t have the personality or brawn to rule through intimidation will soon discover the power of playing the victim, thus eliciting parental power in gaining an advantage over their more explosive brothers and sisters. If the parents are blind to this ploy and are always intervening on behalf of the “victim” they will increase the tension, making a solution impossible. The one playing the victim and manipulating parents into running defense will just become more selfish; and the aggressor will become more and more angry as he or she feels the injustice. I see some families where the parents treat all their children as victims of the outside world. Everyone is an aggressor, treating their children unfairly. The parents constantly run interference to see that their children are not mistreated. Talk about conflict! Families with this persecution complex are constantly on edge. When siblings are in conflict, regardless of who is at fault, for the parent to set up a habit of intervening, with the result of one child getting his way while the other does not—one a winner and one a loser—is to create a game where there is always the possibility of one of the “contestants” gaining an advantage by calling the parent in as arbitrator. The parent is the wheel of fortune. The child only needs to begin a conflict, and there is the possibility of coming out on top. “You win some, you lose some.” Some children learn to manipulate their parents better than others. Deb and I were visiting in a home with young children. I try to appear to be listening to the adults, but I am usually observing the children. During breakfast, I observed the constant strain between the two children, a three-year-old girl and a four-year-old boy. The little girl, having awakened bright and cheerful, was sitting at the table full of playful mischief. The mother awakened the little boy and carried him to the kitchen table, still sluggish with sleep and cuddled in his mother’s lap. Seeing the entrance of her brother, the little girl’s contentment disappeared and was replaced by a sleepy whimper, as if she were full of scary emotions. Mama sat little brother down and picked up sister. As soon as sister was snuggled into Mama’s lap, she threw her brother a smirking “ha ha” look. When the mother left the table, the little girl continued to do small, almost unnoticed offenses that irritated the older boy. Later, while the mother was talking, I could look past her and see the two children playing. The cute little girl was obviously smarter than the clumsy brute of a boy. She was poised and controlled, while he was explosive and violent. Now, behind their mother’s back, the boy was trying to put the top on a castle he had constructed. The little girl “assisted” and mischievously caused the castle to tumble. The boy, having had his fill of this little irritant, went into a rage and struck his sister. I could see it was only a token blow, but she began to cry as if she had suffered first degree assault and battery. The mother, responding to the crying, turned around to see the poor little girl sitting on the floor in the midst of a broken castle, the victim of abuse. Standing over her was her angry assailant quaking with rage. He couldn’t explain his helpless feelings of injustice. But he knew that she had won again. He was carried into his room and spanked for bullying his poor little sister. As soon as Mother was out of sight, the little girl stopped crying, looking as if she had never cried at all, and smiling, said, “Brother is getting a spanking.” We frequently see this sort of conflict in families. If this mother came to us for counsel, the boy would be the focus of her concern. She would tell how she had spanked him and made him say he was sorry, but he only grew worse. The boy’s rage was a result of his feelings of misuse. Certainly he had the normal amount of selfishness, but nowhere near as much as the “precious” little girl. Taking pleasure in his spankings, she was actually more violent than he. Lacking brawn, with calculated coldness she just used her mother as the hit-man. What can a parent do to break into this cycle and put a stop to it? As we have pointed out, the parents’ response is usually a part of the problem. The parent is thinking, “I just need to intervene more, spank more,” when, in reality, the children would be better off if the parents did nothing. As we have said, by arbitrating in favor of one or the other, parents are offering children the chance to gain ascendancy over the other. The parent who tries to discern which kid is at fault, punishing one and rewarding the other, is providing a continuing opportunity for sibling squabbles. The children are masters at bringing a situation to a head, with just the right scream or cry, which is a signal for the arbitrator to make an entrance. So, if I as a parent am making the situation worse with my arbitration, should I do nothing? Doing nothing is not the only alternative to constant arbitration. There will be times when you must hear both sides and make a judgment, but it should be only occasional. Just make sure that when you do arbitrate, both sides feel they would have been better off if they had settled it themselves. Remember, the rule in child training is: Always make their negative behavior counterproductive. Determine what, in their passion or lust, they hope to gain from this, and see to it that the opposite occurs. When two children fight over who got the chair first, leave the chair idle for the evening. When they fight over who is responsible for the mess in the bedroom, let one clean it up and then mess it up again and let the other one clean it up as well. If they are always fighting over the swing set and the slide, put tape on it which declares it off limits for one day or one week until they both can come to you and declare that they have worked out a system to share. When two of our children developed bad attitudes and started coming to Deb every half hour to tattle on the other, Deb just spanked both of them regardless of who did the tattling. No one ever said I sired dumb kids; they quickly discerned that the best course of action was to mind their own business. If your children learn not to bring their complaints to you, but continue to argue, listen until you discern what each hopes to gain and then deny each of them the indulgence. One Mother told how she dealt with two boys who just seemed to have constant personality clashes. It appeared they just couldn’t stand each other. Now, according to our rule of child training (determining what, in their passion or lust, they hope to gain from this, and see to it that the opposite occurs), how would you cause these two boys to experience more of what they despised, which was each other, and less of what they wanted, which was distance? She taped their arms together, the left arm of one to the right arm of the other, shoulder to shoulder—and that with a sense of humor, not anger. Imagine these two enemies trying to coordinate every action to just perform the daily functions. She has some funny stories to tell. The boys think it’s funny now. I won’t tell you what happened when they tried to go to the bathroom. Can you see them trying to cooperate in buttoning and zipping, or pulling up an extra chair so the other can sit down? They had to cooperate to even walk through a door. Imagine them trying to dress, tie shoes. They soon began to see the humor in it and sought to cooperate just for the sake of survival. Today, the boys, now several years older, can laugh and tell of their experiences together without fighting over who was the best one-handed zipperer. A father told how he dealt with two sibling enemies. When they just couldn’t tolerate each other any longer, he made them stand facing each other with their noses touching. It makes my eyes cross just to think about it. “Oh, your breath stinks.” “Yours smells like that dead cat we found in the tool shed.” “Don’t press so hard; you’re making my nose flat.” “Boy, my eyes are crossing.” “When I look to the side, one eye is still seeing you.” “Ugh, I’m getting dizzy.” “I wish you were as tall as me, my back is starting to hurt.” “Well I have to stand on my tip toes to keep your nose off my forehead.” “Don’t talk so much; you just slobbered on my chin.” “It’s a good thing neither of us has a cold.” “I told you we should have settled it before Daddy heard us.” “Yea, listen to him and the girls laughing.” “What are you laughing at now?” “I was just thinking how funny this will look if we are still standing here when the postman comes. They will probable haul us off to one of those foster homes.” “Oh, Mama will let us stop before he comes... She will, won’t she?” We are not suggesting that you implement either of these methods; we just want you to see the principle involved. Again, the principle in training is to make the negative behavior counterproductive. Children who are so tired of looking at each other that they want to fuss and fight will think twice before risking a nose to nose confrontation. Children who have made it a way of life to complain of abuse will find it inadvisable to protest anything less than bloodletting when they know complaining brings deprivation and disapproval rather than sympathy. You must relax so that your creativity can come forth. Never lose your sense of humor. Never allow yourself to cease to delight in your children. When their behavior is undesirable, ask yourself, “What do they hope to gain? What is their selfish motivation?” And then come up with a creative solution that will cause them to choose a different course of action the next time. If crime didn’t pay, there wouldn’t be any criminals. If children don’t profit from fighting and quarreling, they will choose another course. One caution: This “cause and effect” principle assumes that you have provided a nourishing environment, a home of love and honesty. If parents are always fighting with each other, they will fight with the kids as well. If you have lost dignity with your marriage partner, you will not relate to your children in dignity. Maybe we will say more about this next month.

The post Sibling Squabbles appeared first on No Greater Joy Ministries.

Training Roseanna’s Flesh

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Dec 1996 12:00:50 +0000

Twelve-month-old Roseanna has one adoring mama, one adoring daddy, one adoring five-year-old sister, one adoring seven-year-old brother, and dozens of adoring friends. But Roseanna has one enemy—her flesh. Like all one-year-olds, her “wanter” is growing faster than her winning smile. Her accomplices, the adults and children around her, are disarmed by her charming ways. To supply her needs and wants, and in so doing win her gratitude, is an occupation to which most adults would blindly surrender with religious devotion. It is hard not to “worship” such innocence and beauty. The very young and yet uncontaminated of our species turn us mature, reserved adults into silly court jesters. We drop our social guard as if we were in our own private thought life. We can be too tired to serve our spouses, and yet be suddenly filled with energy to jump up and gratify these little angels. In our servitude to the baby, we are meeting our own needs, which often results in the real needs of the child being overlooked. Deb recounts an experience that occurred this fall when we camped out in the Rocky Mountains with several families: “I spent a good portion of each day cooking around the camp fire. Roseanna’s brother and sister, Jubal and Beulah, were often huddled around our campfire. I enjoyed showing them all kinds of fun things, like baking potatoes under the ashes and hot coals, or making a bellows to get our fire hotter when we wanted to bend some metal. One day someone mentioned starting a fire without matches, and I remembered I had a magnifying glass with me. I allowed each child to take a turn focusing the magnified sun spot on his/her skin to feel it warm up. Roseanna , seeing everyone’s interest in the little object, decided it was worth investigating. She wiggled herself into the middle of the gang and grabbed the glass away from her sister. Beulah is a sweet child and was willing to give-in to her younger sister. But I saw that Roseanna’s flesh needed to learn self-discipline. So I took the glass away from her and gave it back to Beulah. Roseanna looked at me like I was a mean, over-sized kid. She defiantly grabbed the glass. ‘No,’ I spoke firmly, and again took the glass. Really, it did seem rather mean; after all, she was just a curious baby. I wanted her to like me, and Beulah would understand if I let the baby have it. But I persevered until Roseanna yielded to my will.” It would have been no discomfort or inconvenience to allow Roseanna to examine the magnifying glass for a minute. But if you wait until actions become irritating before you discipline, you have allowed them to confirm selfish habits that are then hard to break. You must begin training before the need to discipline arises. There will be fifty occasions a day where you will want to train your one-year-old. An occasion for training is not determined by our concern for what the child is or isn’t doing; the issue is to make sure that the child is never allowed to gain an advantage through selfish grabbing, whining, stubborn refusal, etc. IT IS A MATTER OF ESTABLISHING AN UNDERSTANDING OF WHO IS IN CONTROL. You must look for opportunities to demonstrate that you have the last word, that your authority is to be obeyed without question. This is not done by punishing the child. If you are consistent, the assertion of your authority will be such a non-event that others looking straight at you will never know anything occurred. For example: a child tries to slide from your lap onto the floor. On most occasions that’s just a way of letting you know where he wants to go. Fine, but there are times when you do not want him to slide to the floor. If your little fourteen-month-old makes an attempt to dismount your lap, and you indicate that you do not want him to, and he makes a protest by jerking away or whining, then by no means can you allow him to intimidate you into compliance. For, by so doing you have allowed the authority to pass to him. You would be encouraging rebellion. YOU MUST ALWAYS BE PERCEIVED TO WIN ANY CONTEST. It is all determined by what the child thinks. If there is a seed of resistance in the child, it must never be allowed to grow. Don’t allow that spirit of rebellion to become profitable. When the child whines and makes an issue of something that to you was otherwise irrelevant, you must then follow-through, causing the child to do what he did not want to do. This is soul training – character building – sanctification of the natural spirit in your child. This won’t make him a Christian, but it will give him a better character than most Christians possess. If, during the course of a day, no contest arises naturally, you should arrange one. Seek opportunity to thwart the child’s will, to cause him to submit to your command. If you cause him to surrender his will to you twenty times during the course of a day, he will not disappoint you with disobedience in public. Tell him to stop, sit, don’t speak for five minutes, etc. Play the half-hour “quiet time game,” the half-hour “don’t wiggle and squirm game.” Refuse him a treat when he is wanting it badly. Give it to him only when he is joyously submitted to your timetable. You mustn’t give the appearance of being blindly arbitrary, but always maintain full control. Never allow the child to dictate your actions. Just yesterday, a little four-year-old was visiting the house. I was eating cake when he came in from playing. He asked for some, and I said, “OK.” But I delayed for a few seconds while I was finishing a bite. Before I made a move to rise, he somewhat impatiently said, “I am hungry now.” That did it! Time for training. Rather than proceed as I had planned, rising to get his cake so we could eat together, I said, “Well, you will just have to wait until I get through.” By surrendering to his demand I would have cultivated impatience in the little fellow. It took me three times as long to eat the cake—while he sat two feet away drooling on the table. I never lectured him or rebuked him in any way. Just waiting on me was sufficient training in patience and respect for the rights of others. The older children should be taught through example to also participate in training the younger children. When a six-year-old can responsibly train a one-year-old, it is a two edged sword. You are confirming the training of the six-year-old and also training the six-year-old to be a good parent. If you are in the middle of raising a family, yet just now instituting proper training, you will have added struggles for awhile. If you are demonstrating your authority over the two-year-old, while the six and eight-year-old are still permissive, it will send mixed signals to the younger children. You must discuss it with them and ask for their help. They feel much as you do about a spoiled little sister. They would love to see her brought under control. If they assist you and see positive results, you have also trained them indirectly. Once a child understands the principle behind your consistent demands, he will appreciate your intentions. It then becomes much easier, because the children will cooperate rather than resist. Of course, to be effective, a cheerful, self-possessed attitude on your part is an absolute must. What is our purpose as parents in establishing our authority? Your child’s flesh is growing faster than his soulish faculties. The understanding will mature several years behind the passions of the body. If you wait until children are old enough to see and appreciate the need to exercise self-control (as Paul said, “mortify the deeds of the body”) they are then thoroughly bound in the habits of self-indulgence. By the time they see the need to deny the flesh, the flesh has thoroughly established itself as tyrant over soul and spirit. Using Scriptural terms: our job as parents is to cultivate the “inner man” of the children and teach them to deny the “outer man.” Last week in the church meeting I noticeed a young mother training her little girl to be indulgent and intemperate. The baby was discontent, a grouch, and the mother was taking the easiest path to purchasing some quiet. The child obviously wasn’t hungry, but the mother was using a bottle to pacify her. They were playing a game of “shove and retrieve.” Mother would alternately shove the bottle into the mouth of the demanding baby and then retrieve it when it was nearly cast away. This hour of squirming, grouching, and bottle pacifying was cultivating self-indulgence in the child. Now you say, “But what can a mother do in a public place?” Not much, if she hasn’t prepared for it by consistently training at home. Public places don’t make unruly kids, they just expose “untraining parents.” If you are loose at home, the kids will be loose in public. Don’t go to a public place and make a scene by carrying your child out to spank him. The impression you leave is not what you think. I know that most of you who have problems in this area have just been unaware of the high possibilities. You are not lazy or indifferent, quite the contrary; you are ready and willing to do all that you know to do. We hope to have raised your level of expectation, to have expanded your vision. One final warning: Our enemy is distraction, leading to neglect. Focus, and determine to concentrate on that which is most important to you, your children. Ask God to show you how to organize your own life, right down to your thoughts, so you can apply yourself to that which will reach into eternity—your child’s soul.

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The Folly of Fairness

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Jun 1996 11:00:24 +0000

By the time your children are ten to twelve years old, they should have developed the wisdom and skills necessary for good parenting. For several months now, our twelve-year-old daughter Shoshanna has been insisting that we address an issue that is disturbing to her. She finds this to be the most common problem of the small children she baby-sits. She sees the same traits in many of her own peers. She says, “Daddy, write and tell them that life is not fair.” There is a universal tendency to try to make life fair. “You had your turn, now it is mine.” “You already have two balls and I have none, so you should be fair and share with me.” “Daddy gave Johnny one, so Suzy should get one also.” We tend to think of legislated fairness as equality, when in fact it is inequality. This is so ingrained in us that we equate fairness with justice. The communist system is built on a principle of forced fairness. In contrast, the American system of government is based, ideally, on justice. Pure fairness is as unlikely and as undesirable as making all mountains the same height. It is unnatural and can only be achieved through forced injustice. When it is a rule handed down by “Big Brother” it will never be carried out with benevolence on the part of the one being stripped of his abundance, nor can it be received with thankfulness on the part of the one expecting legislated equality. Jesus gave a parable that speaks about fairness and our attitude toward it:

Matt. 20:1-15 1 For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard. 2 And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard. 3 And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, 4 And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way. 5 Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise. 6 And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle? 7 They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive. 8 So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first. 9 And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. 10 But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. 11 And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house, 12 Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day. 13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? 14 Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee. 15 Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?”

The men that had worked all day for the agreed price of one penny recognized it was not fair to pay the same penny to those who had worked only one hour. They began the day expecting only one penny for the full day’s labor. They had indeed been treated justly, but not fairly when compared to the others. Twice, the master of the vineyard said, “I will pay you what is right.” The unfairness of pay is nonetheless called “right.” When our children complain of unfairness, it is because they feel they should have received more in respect to what someone else has received, exactly as these men in the parable. The response of the employer—;typifying God—;was to define their desire for equality as “evil.” He vindicates his unequal actions by pointing out that it is lawful for one to do as he pleases with his own possessions. Their heart became evil when they coveted the increase of their neighbor. When children complain of inequality they are being covetous, as seen by the fact that they never complain when they are on the receiving end, only when they are left out. If the parents give in to this complaining, they are rewarding their children’s lust. To cater to this equality syndrome is also to convey a very false concept about life. In the real world, what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours. If my neighbor has three cars when I have none, I can expect to walk. If he gives me a ride, I will be thankful, but I do not feel it is his duty to share. If he were forced to share, it would be impossible for me to have gratitude toward him. Just this summer one of my younger daughters went canoeing with a visiting family of four teenagers. The youngest was a boy of thirteen. His mother, not having confidence that he could survive a spill in the swift water, told him to wear a life jacket. His three, older teenage sisters were not so required. On the way to the canoe rental, as they stopped for gas, the boy went inside and called his mother, complaining of the unfairness of his sisters not having to wear life jackets. The mother relented to his pitiful appeal and told him that since he had to endure the discomfort of a life jacket, they would have to also. After all, it was only fair. As they were preparing to leave the gas station, he came out gloating over his successful appeal to fairness. And parents wonder why their children don’t like each other! One of the girls got on the car phone and spoke to her mother about their distaste for wearing life jackets. The mother again relented and said that none of them had to wear a life jacket. So the kid got his way after all. His mother obviously felt that he needed the jacket to insure safety, but she was forced to step back from her better judgment based on an assumption of fairness and equality. If he had been my kid, every time he complained I would have put another life jacket on him until he looked like a giant, orange flower floating down the river. He would have had so much buoyancy that if he had fallen in the river he would’t have gotten wet. The next time I told him to wear a life jacket he would have put it on so fast that those watching would have looked around for a tidal wave. When the thirteen-year-old boy won the fairness contest over the life jackets, do you think his sisters and the others present found him endearing? Do your children like each other, Mom? This assumption that fairness is the “golden rule” seems to be universal. We see it on all sides. I noted an occasion when a mother was about to prevent her older teenage daughter from going with her peers because the younger sister was not also invited. The mother, finally allowing her older daughter to go, consoled the younger child by promising to take her someplace special to make up for the inequality. Again, it is common to hear a small child complain to his mother, “They ran off and left me.” The mother then scolds the older child, telling him to wait on his younger, slower brother. Does it cause the older boy to like the little brother who is allowed to cramp his more aggressive style of play? This indulgent demand for fairness begins at the earliest age. You can know you have already cultivated self-centeredness in your children when Grandma must buy gifts of equal value for each grandchild in order to keep feelings from being hurt. Trying to keep equal accounts, whether in things, privileges, or discipline, is not wise. It trains children to believe they have the right to weigh and balance, to demand equal share, or to veto the good fortune of another. They are turning selfishness into a childhood occupation. Evil covetousness is being rewarded. Parents are missing one of the greatest opportunities to teach their children to rejoice in the good fortune of another. The men of the parable who worked all day should have rejoiced that those who worked only one hour received as much as they. If they had been the one to work only one hour, they would have rejoiced. Their demand for fairness was pure covetousness. To give in to that demand is to cultivate your own “Entitlement Program.” It should never be our intentions to show favoritism, but circumstantial inequality is not only just but essential to the very foundations of individuality. Some are naturally tall, while others are short. Some are gifted in many areas, whereas others appear to be gifted in little. One farmer receives rain while another suffers drought. One is born into a family of opportunity while another is born into social bondage. One gets a promotion while another loses his job. Many run the race, but only one takes first place. Premeditated inequality, which is what occurred in the parable, is often most appropriate. The Bible tells us to value the other person above ourselves. That’s not equality. It’s inequality in favor of your neighbor. Remember, our goal for our children is not to make them happy by immediately gratifying their natural lusts; we want to build character. Children do not yet have a mature capacity to make wise value judgments. It would not be wise to provoke a child to wrath by deliberately showing preferential treatment. But it is equally unwise to seek equality by seeking to avoid inequality where it naturally occurs. For instance, if you are at a garage sale and come across a garment or toy suited to one of your children, it would be perfectly appropriate to buy for the one and not for the other. To deliberately seek equality is to send a wrong signal. The child who receives nothing should be able to rejoice in the good fortune of his brother. He would not feel that his mother loved the other more. He knows that the inequality is purely circumstantial. If one child is invited to participate in an event with his friends, and the other is not, it would be extremely unwise to attempt to make an offering to pacify the child left behind. It would be fine to take that opportunity for just the two of you to do something together, but not as a bribe for good attitude, nor as a consolation for his losses. If a child is left out of play because the other children don’t like him, it would be injurious to publicly take his side. He should learn to be likable. He must earn the right to be included in social events. Children will readily isolate a jerk. Protective parents, defending a child’s rights, create super jerks. When he doesn’t get his share of attention, time, things, or whatever, don’t cater to his selfishness by becoming gravely sympathetic and sensitive to his feelings. Lighten up and show indifference to his feelings. Briefly and curtly, as you turn to walk away, say, “Stop your whining and find something to do, or I will give you a job to take your mind off of it.” You might add, “When you get bigger, you will get to go places also.” One caution: We occasionally meet parents or stepparents who clearly do not like one child and so favor another. They express their preference in gifts and discipline. The children all know that one is despised and another is preferred. These parents may use what has been said to justify their ongoing vendetta against the rejected child. This kind of stupidity is not born of ignorance, but rather of meanness of spirit. Parents who are so blinded are not likely to discern the difference between just inequality and selfish preferential treatment. May these parents see the pain they are causing before their rejected child becomes a reject of society. But if you are the average parent, you readily see the evil in deliberate preferential treatment. On the other hand, you may never have considered that your attempts at fairness were actually unjust and counterproductive in terms of character building. As a result of your renewed understanding, your future responses will be different. When your child gets knocked down, don’t reward his whining of unfairness. Teach him how to get up and walk away with dignity. If the other children run off and leave him, teach him how to organize play that will cause them to want to be a part of his activity. But never make your child the unwelcome tagalong of despising peers. When your child digs a well, and they take it away from him, teach him to dig a better well in another location, and God will bless him with better water. When rain falls on his neighbors’ crops but not his, teach him how to irrigate. When his wages are lower, teach him how to manage his finances. When someone else gets the job, teach him how to start a company that provides better services. If he has fewer gifts, teach him how to expect nothing and to make little into abundance. Rather than whine for equality, teach him how to give until others are blessed above himself. If Christian principles are not good enough for our two-year-olds, will they be good enough for them when they are twenty? Cultivate a Christian worldview when they are young, and when they are old they will not depart from it.

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