No Greater Joy Ministries » Challenging Authority

Tumbling Tots

Michael Pearl — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 12:00:19 +0000

It is easier to see their faults than our own, mainly because we aren't emotionally involved and are free to think objectively. It is good to consider the advice of others whom you trust. The other evening I was visiting a home, enjoying watching the small children romp. They had placed an old mattress on the floor so the kids could tumble on it. The daddy was stretched out on one side of the mattress encouraging the kids to do bigger flips. Every once in a while they would pile up on him. Great fun indeed! Mother sat off to the side laughing at their creative acrobatics. As the kids started to wear down and the hour grew late, he suggested that it was almost bedtime. After making the same observation several more times over the next few minutes, he told them to stop tumbling and prepare for bed. All three kids took another turn. He then spoke more forcefully (but it still sounded like a suggestion to me) commanding them to cease tumbling and prepare for bed. I could see that they regarded him a little more seriously this time, for they were somewhat hesitant when they again did a flip. He was a little agitated, and so with more force and threat in his voice, he again commanded them to cease their antics and prepare for bed. I watched them mill around as a struggle went on in their souls. "Can I get away with one more tumble? How serious is he this time?" The six-year-old boy put his head down on the mattress and slowly flipped over, looking at his daddy to see if any wrath would follow. His half compliance met with a half command and so he got in one more slow, tentative roll before he settled down. It took about five minutes from the first command to complete compliance. For this family it was normal. The kids obeyed without a fight. No one threw a fit. No one got a spanking. Daddy never got mad. For most families it was without incident--no problem, totally normal. The problem in all this, aside from the fact that the children are not learning to instantly obey, is that for five minutes the children were saturated with anxiousness and rebellion, however subtle. They were defying authority and acting out their self-will. That five minutes was not good for their souls. It created insecurity and damaged their relationship with their parents. You can be certain that because of many moments like that, there will be times when these kids will push it further and openly resist authority. Every moment they hesitated, they were dishonoring their parents. I get anxious at moments like that. I recall how we handled similar situations. I would have been shocked if my children had not instantly ceased with the slightest command. It was unthinkable that they should hesitate to obey and take another half tumble. If one of my kids had ignored my command and done another flip, I would have immediately secured a spanking instrument, had the child bend over in the tumbling position, and given him one good lick on the backside. It is because we were always consistent that we didn't have to spank very often and never had to nag. The children didn't have those five-minute periods of defiance. We remained in fellowship, and they grew up emotionally stable. Think about it.

Dealing with Slick Liars

Debi Pearl — Fri, 15 Apr 2005 11:20:24 +0000

What do you do when you learn that one of your sweet little ones is an outright liar?

Dear Pearls, My 6-year-old daughter is a liar. At first, I simply did not believe the mother who informed me that my daughter had lied to her. I thought she was the liar! It was humiliating to discover the truth. Now I see my daughter has been lying about other children on a regular basis, and I have been thinking how wonderful she is and how terrible they are! I have tried to fix the problem, but it is usually days after the fact before I figure it out that she has out-witted me and lied again. What do you suggest? Sara

Debi Answers I readily identify with you. When our second son, Nathan, was about six years old, we were forced to face the fact that we had a son who was an incorrigible liar. It was difficult to accept because he had the sweetest, most innocent and sincere countenance. And he was smart! I think his bad habit was encouraged by his knowledge that I did not want to believe he was a liar. Consequently, he grew worse until he would actually lie when the truth would have served him better. I realized that somewhere along the line, I had missed the opportunity to deal with him while he was still young enough to easily break the habit. After much soul-searching and many botched ideas, I finally told Nathan that I realized he was a liar, even though I couldn’t catch him red-handed in his lies. I told him that God hated lying, that I hated it, that I had failed him, and that it was very important that he not continue to be a liar. I informed him that everyday for the next seven days, I was going to give him 10 licks at noon. He was to bring me the switch and I would spank him for being a liar. So everyday, he would bring me the switch at noon. If he failed to provide the switch at noon, he got additional licks. He was timely with the switch. It forced him to spend his mornings considering which branch to cut from the willow tree and how long he had left before the hour of chastisement was at hand. When the clock struck twelve, I very calmly, and without pity, reminded him, “You are a liar, and lying is an ugly, hateful thing. In order that your soul shall be spared, I’m going to whip you.” That was all I said, no praying, no sermons, no “you break my heart” appeals. I would cause him to bend over on the couch, and I would give him the 10 licks. Keep in mind that my licks were not violent or even hard, they were just hard enough of a sting to let a 6-year-old know that it hurts to lie. The seven days passed much the same, and I grieved over him, not knowing if it was doing any good, and not even certain that I was doing the right thing. He was so young that he couldn’t keep up with the number of days that had passed, and so on the eighth day when he brought me the switch, he looked at me and said, “Mama, I hate lying. Lying must be really bad for me to get 10 licks every day. I hate lying. I’m not gonna lie any more. Here’s your switch.” I said, “Nathan, today is the eighth day. We’re all through with the 10 licks. I’m sure glad you learned to hate lying.” It really worked. That was the end of his short career as a liar. Today he is a man of integrity whom I admire. He has a lovely wife and two of the sweetest children, who, I might add, will very likely not be liars! I am not suggesting that this is the way to stop lying in all children. This may never work for you, but I was desperate and was willing to try something drastic. If I had been on my toes in earlier child training, Nathan would have never become such a liar. Here’s the answer we usually give in response to the many letters we receive about children who lie. Habits are hard to break. Have your daughter listen to the Alabama Seminar tapes when she goes to bed. After she has finished with them, ask her to work with you to to help her stop her lying. One effective approach is to tell her that anytime she is in the middle of a lie, to stop and hold her hands out and say that she would like to start over again. And, if she does, assure her that you will not fuss at her for starting to lie. It might work, depending on how clearly you have explained it to her about the awfulness of lying and her desire to stop being a liar.

The Will To Dominate

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Aug 2000 11:00:12 +0000

The following article deals with a very important subject that we have touched on before but never discussed in detail—a child’s will to dominate. I chose this letter because it so clearly represents the many letters we receive. Though this mother has a good attitude and represents her responses as calm and controlled, she has failed to properly train. She is perplexed because her younger daughter is not so dominant. She feels there is something different about this one. All children occasionally manifest a will to dominate, but only a few are as intense as this child. Things can get out of hand in a hurry. I underlined portions of her letter to draw your attention to key statements that reveal the child’s attitude. I know this article is going to liberate many of you from uncertainties that have kept you from being firm and forceful with your little dictators. I have also given practical solutions for eradicating this diabolical will to dominate.

Dear Michael and Debi, Our daughter Sue is almost four. She has been a handful right from birth. In the hospital nursery they had to keep her in a separate room because her screaming disrupted the other babies! The hospital nursery workers told my husband that we were going to have our hands full. Sue never wanted to be cuddled until she was sick for the first time at 8 months of age. She wouldn’t even let us take her hand to show her things, even pat-a-cake! Sue was frustrated (and still is) about everything. frustrated that she couldn’t roll, mad that she couldn’t sit, furious that she couldn’t walk or talk. We didn’t help matters by always putting her to sleep by means of walking, rocking, or nursing. Consequently, she never learned patience. We always went to her or picked her up with the first whimper, since we knew it would soon turn into a full blown, purple faced, raging fit. She had a temper. Finally at eleven months of age we began proper and consistent training, and when she turned one she at last began sleeping through the night. When I asked her to put up her toys, she would throw the toys the other way, even after I would make a fun game of it, doing most of it myself. Or sometimes she would pick one item up as slow as a turtle, or place the toy on the edge of the bucket, so more often than not it would fall out, not in. And yes, after a long time of working on the cleanup concept, I’m sure I applied pressure – nothing ever got cleaned up! She’s still the same, picking up items with her feet or mouth, or going on to play with something else when I leave the room. Funny how her sister Ruth was taught the same way, and right from the start she loved putting things in buckets, and is a wonderful cleanupper. Sue is the same if I ask her to put her sandals on and go collect the chicken eggs. She puts her boots on instead. I’ll say, "No Sue, your sandals." So she puts her sandals on backwards. I’ll say, "No Sue, put them on properly," and she’ll put them on and run out, only to take them off when she gets outside. When I realize she hasn’t returned with the eggs, I look out and see her sandals are off her feet and she is playing in the mud. I finally had to take away the privilege of collecting eggs, adding it to my responsibilities. Staying in bed has been an issue since the 2nd week after we put her in a big bed. The novelty wore off and she realized her freedom, even though she understood the rules – no getting out of bed unless she calls and asks. Nap time and bedtime became spanking time. Off the bed she would come 2, 4, 10, 20 or more times! When we couldn’t take her bottom getting another spanking, we began to look for other penalties. If she got off the bed, we put her in the playpen (the crib was then occupied by her baby sister). She hated that, and would throw a fit and a half. She quickly learned how to climb out of the playpen. We finally took down her big bed and let her sleep on the floor. Now that little brother has arrived, Sue and Ruth share a room. Ruth, who never questioned our authority about when it was time to go to bed, and who would be breathing heavily in less than five minutes, now jumps off the bed along with Sue. Sue will also call out many, many times, keeping herself and us up until nearly 10:00 some nights. We make sure all needs are met before lights are out (potty, drink of water, read a Bible story, tucked in, one song while I rub backs, a few more minutes of ‘talk about’ if it’s not too late, and send daddy in one more time). Then the games begin. She wants more water. We say no. She wants a teddy bear or doll. She wants to talk some more. She wants another hug. She wants her back rubbed again. She wants more kisses or hugs. She wants to blow us kisses. The problem is, we have found that if we deny her any of the things she requests, and she goes to sleep on a bad note, like if we spank her for anything, she wakes screaming in the middle of the night, demanding the one thing we denied her before putting her to bed. This literally went on for weeks. Lack of sleep was affecting everyone. We warned her before bed not to wake everyone up in the night or she would be spanked the next morning. That did not faze her. If she goes to sleep on a good note, with no spanking, then there is no problem in the middle of the night. But we can’t give her everything she demands at all hours of the night. Sibling rivalry is another issue. Sue is selfish to the extreme, and very mean to her sister. She ‘bugs’ her sister all the time, which warrants a spanking, and she usually takes advantage of the times I am nursing her brother. (He was on oxygen and monitors for a long while and so was used to nursing in a quiet room – now if I try it in any other location, he refuses. He also has to be upright after feeding so I can’t just lay him down and go chastise her during his feeding.) She knows she will be punished, but enjoys the moment to it’s fullest. Her behavior during spanking is difficult as well. I will ask her if she knows why she’s going to get a spanking, and she will say, "for being mean to Ruth." Then when I spank her she will flail, arch, and start SCREAMING, "huggie, huggie, huggie," over and over. I’ve told her before that when she’s ready to hug to stand up and come get one, so I now consider this screaming a form of talking back and I spank her again and again and again. We go through this every time. It is a very tiring day. Now, this whole letter has begun to sound as if we have WWIII going on in our home constantly. Admittedly, my husband often comments that Sue may be only a skinny little 30 pounds, but when she wakes in the morning in a foul mood, the whole family is completely affected the rest of the day. She can be a real sweetie, saying "Mama, you’re the best!" Or in the middle of brushing her teeth she’ll stop and give me a hug, or she’ll put a whole bunch of toys together into a bag and give me her "present." She is so easily distracted, and most times her behavior is not necessarily out and out disobedience. Yes, there is a standard that she has to meet, but spankings don’t seem to change her behavior. She even has missed out on numerous family outings. If she throws a fit, we do not allow her to go with us, but take her to my mother to keep. When we return, she acts indifferent and boasts of what a swell time SHE had. This letter has become quite lengthy. I have been "Rambling" a bit myself. Sue has so much energy, a short attention span, a wicked temper, and a very strong will, and it all manifests itself in a disregard for rules. We thought that by age four we wouldn’t need to spank nearly so often. But instead of decreasing, the instances have increased! Can you offer any suggestions?

Michael discusses the letter This mother said of her daughter, "She has been a handful right from birth." She tends to think her child’s problems are not learned but rather inherited. She continues, "She never wanted to be cuddled." There are many physical reasons why a newborn may be very uncomfortable, in pain even, from being touched. Originally, the screaming may have had a physical cause. However, the physical problems will remedy themselves in time, but the attitude that she developed while in that state of discomfort is not a product of genetics or a birth condition. Pain doesn’t make a child selfish and mean, but it can provide an opportunity for selfishness to grow. Note: this mother called her one-year-old daughter’s actions "temper." She may have begun life with some kind of discomfort, but eleven months later, her anger was a learned habit. She said that when she "asked her to put up her toys, she would throw the toys the other way," or "she would pick one item up as slow as a turtle, or place the toy on the edge of the bucket, so more often than not it would fall out, not in." The actions of this child cannot be explained in terms of personality. She had developed a willfulness to defy authority. Her slow "obedience" was a deliberate statement that, though they had the power to force compliance, they did not have jurisdiction over her soul. This mother said her daughter is "still the same, picking up items with her feet or mouth, or going on to play with something else when I leave the room." By picking up items with her feet or mouth, she was technically obeying while proving her independence. It was symbolic obedience, designed to avoid the crises of disobedience, while at the same time making a statement of defiance. She said, "Her sister Ruth was taught the same way, and right from the start she loved putting things in buckets, and is a wonderful cleanupper." It is true that one child will be born with a personality that is more social and group minded, while another from the same family will be more independent in nature. When a mare has two colts, one may be wild and full of spunk, hard to break, while the other may follow its master around like a dog. Both of them can be broken to the saddle, but with different techniques. If a trainer uses the same methods on both horses, he may train the compliant horse, while making a rebel of the spunky one. Another trainer, using a more overriding technique, may train the spunky horse while crushing the spirit of the gentle-natured horse. All children are different. You may have four that are gentle and one that likes to jump fences and investigate the unknown. The more independent natured horses are more likely to ‘go bad’ if they are not handled correctly. If the gentle horses ‘go bad’ it is not so obvious because they don’t jump fences and kick you. They just stand with their heads down, afraid to enjoy themselves. Ruth is gentle in nature while Sue is independent, but we expect a good attitude and complete obedience from both of them. Here is where it gets interesting. Mother said, "If I ask her to put her sandals on and go collect the chicken eggs, she puts her boots on instead. I’ll say, ‘No Sue – your sandals.’ So she puts her sandals on backwards. I’ll say, ‘No Sue, put them on properly,’ and she’ll put them on and run out, only to take them off when she gets outside. When I realize she hasn’t returned with the eggs, I look out and see her sandals are off her feet and she is playing in the mud." Again, what you are seeing is a will to dominate. Sue is consumed with the joys of independent action. She is exhilarated by defying authority. We are seeing the heart of a rebel. It is not as if she had a preference for backward shoes. She will always choose the opposite side of an issue. She wants conflict, because only in conflict can she prove her independence. She wants to do the opposite because that is who she has decided to be. When Sue would not stay in bed, Mother removed the bed and let her sleep on the floor. Sue won the battle. Every time she sleeps on the floor she knows that her spirit has not been broken. Mother is the one that broke. Her parents gave up. They couldn’t win the battle of the bed, so not trusting their own authority, they disposed of the game. "Ha, weak, spineless parents; they can’t tell me what to do!" That ‘fit and a half’ is just a tool to intimidate her parents. Mother said, "We make sure all needs are met before lights are out. (potty, drink of water, read a Bible story, tucked in, one song while I rub backs, a few more minutes of ‘talk about’ if it’s not too late, and send daddy in one more time. Then the games begin. She wants more water. We say no. She wants a teddy bear or doll. She wants to talk some more. She wants another hug. She wants her back rubbed again. She wants more kisses or hugs. She wants to blow us kisses. The problem is, we have found that if we deny her any of the things she requests, and she goes to sleep on a bad note, like if we spank her for anything, she wakes screaming in the middle of the night, demanding the one thing we denied her before putting her to bed. " She was correct in calling it a game. Sue is not thirsty or lonely or needing to go potty. She is seeking one last symbolic victory before going to bed. If I read this home correctly, she is not starved for affection or approval. She is not suffering from "low self-esteem." She is enjoying the conquest. She knows where her sensitive mother is vulnerable, where she is more likely to feel guilt, to feel the need to comply. How can she refuse one more hug, one more kind word? She has her mother where she is most tender. Her actions say, "Don’t be a bad mother, prove that you love me by doing what I want. I am just a poor, thirsty child about to go to bed dehydrated. I just need to hear your compliant voice one more time before I go to sleep. I need a token of obeisance before you turn the lights out on my kingdom. Prove your loyalty and my worth one more time, and then my ego will be big enough to cradle me until morning." It is a game of tug-of-wills. Games are played for the sake of playing. If Sue cannot win the prize, then it is enough to know that she fought a good fight, that she went down swinging. It is horrible in its implications, that when her parents force compliance, she goes to sleep with that defeat brewing in her soul, and that she wakes in the night with renewed zeal to revive the battle and establish her dominance. Even should she lose the battle, the fact that she woke her parents and stirred their anger gives her a satisfaction that she is still alive, still vital, still autonomous, supreme in her independence. Mother said, "Sibling rivalry is another issue. Sue is selfish to the extreme, and very mean to her sister." Extreme selfishness is not only valuing self above others; it is viewing others as material to be spent and wasted for one’s own entertainment. Mother said, "She ‘bugs’ her sister all the time, which warrants a spanking, and she usually takes advantage of the times I am nursing her brother (he was on oxygen and monitors for a long while and so was used to nursing in a quiet room – now if I try it in any other location, he refuses. He also has to be upright after feeding so I can’t just lay him down and go chastise her during his feeding). On a side note to this mother: By catering to your son’s sensitivity, nursing him where and how he is comfortable, you are allowing him to dictate the terms under which he will be happy. Wean him from his demands for solitude. If you don’t, he will follow in Sue’s footsteps. The way to re-condition him is to go to your secluded place and leave the door open so as to make him a little uncomfortable, but not enough to prevent him from nursing. Every time you nurse him, introduce just a little more noise and confusion until he finds himself nursing while you are singing and jogging. It will work. What you condition a child into, you can condition him out of. Mother said, "She knows she will be punished, but enjoys the moment to it’s fullest." I know prisoners that will hit a guard, knowing that they are going to have their sentences lengthened, spend time in solitary confinement, lose privileges, have their parole date put off, and possibly get a beating as well. Why do they do it, knowing the suffering it will cost them? Because at that moment there is nothing more important in the universe than "showing this punk guard that I will not take this off nobody." That attitude started before 12 months of age, and no one was ever big enough to stand up to him. When Sue interrupts a spanking, crying "huggie," it is nothing more than a ploy to stop her immediate suffering. At some time in the past, this diversion worked, and she keeps trying to use it, hoping it will work again. She is appealing to motherly instincts—engaging in psychological warfare, a way whereby she can gain the upper hand in the contest. She is seeking to redefine the issues by focusing on mother’s feelings rather than her own disobedience. In the case where a kid is truly broken and contrite, and the child approaches you for reassurance, the hug would be appropriate, but not when it is used as a diversion. I did not hug my kids after spanking them. I didn’t want to confuse the issue. Spanking is a time when you are rejecting an attitude or behavior, not a time to confer a reward. I had no fear of communicating rejection, for I spent 100 minutes smiling into the face of my child for every one minute that I spent disapproving of him. Don’t confuse the issue by trying to do two things at the same time. Spank your child. Then tell her to dry it up. And with no show of emotion, tell her to get back to what she was suppose to be doing to begin with. It is all over in thirty seconds. No trips to the bedroom—no special, emotional sessions. When they do something lovely, then you can love them. She said that Sue "can be a real sweetie, saying ‘Mama, you’re the best!’ Or in the middle of brushing her teeth she’ll stop and give me a hug, or she’ll put a whole bunch of toys together into a bag and give me her ‘present.’" Children that have a will to dominate do not always seek confrontation. They can appreciate love and peace just like anyone else. It is just when you cross the child’s will, or when the demon of dominance (speaking figuratively) takes her that she is compelled to crush all contenders. A foul mood is animosity. It is a rejection and condemnation of others. In short, it is hatred and anger. Mother said, "She even has missed out on numerous family outings. If she throws a fit, we do not allow her to go with us, but take her to my mother to keep. When we return, she acts indifferent and boasts of what a swell time SHE had." Her ‘act’ of indifference is just another way of robbing her parents of winning the contest, or it is a way of professing to have won by claiming to have had a better time than she would have had if she had gone with them. She sees that it hurts them and she enjoys the appearance of control, even in the midst of defeat. What motivates her? When we see this nearly four-year-old child exhibiting bizarre defiance, our first thought is, Why? What is in her mind when she puts her sandals on backwards? It seems so pointless. What motivates her to be antisocial? Why antagonize her mother, who’s approval she must value? We could understand if she was trying to avoid some difficult responsibility or gain some secret pleasure. Deviant behavior makes sense if it is driven by a desire to eat forbidden fruit, but who wants to drink water when you are not thirsty, or get up out of bed so you can get another spanking? Why create your own misery? In criminal cases, the prosecutor must first establish a motive, for no one acts without sufficient cause. Was it passion, greed, lust? What did the perpetrator hope to gain? When the one known to have committed a crime has no motive, the authorities consider him mentally ill. A sound mind will always choose the path of pleasure, passion, or profit. His trail may be twisted and evil, but it can always be explained in terms of self-gratification—except in the case of the psychopathic and children like Sue. She will sabotage any parental attempt to introduce control and reason. It is as if everything was wired backwards. Not all children are like this, but there are enough of them to make birth control popular and to keep the pharmaceutical companies wealthy selling Ritalin. This concerned and perplexed mother is not alone. We receive hundreds of letters describing conditions identical to Sue’s. Disciples of the New World Order line up to drug their children into oblivion, while Christian parents are lining up to get the devils cast out of their kids. I could wish the problems were as simple as demon possession. The Christian family can rid their children of devils in a thirty second prayer. But if this deviant behavior we see in children like Sue is a manifestation of their own character, then the fall of Adam is still in progress, and parents have a front row seat to ongoing depravity. Defiance itself The only factor common to all her weird acts of defiance is defiance itself. She seeks to dominate because that is where her greatest pleasure lies. Sue finds pleasure in standing crossways to the will of others. She is on a quest for sovereignty—to be the supreme potentate. She will not make the compromises necessary to be a part of society. She has set herself against the rules of group cooperation. She seeks to live beyond authority. The original sin Lucifer was the first one to take independent action. The Bible speaks of his motive: "I will ascend up; I will exalt my throne above the stars of God (above other angels and cherubim); I will be like the most high (be like God) (Isaiah 14:14)." The original sin was not committed by Adam. It was committed by Lucifer, the cherub. He developed a will to dominate, to control, to call the shots, to direct not only his affairs, but the affairs of others. He wanted to be sovereign. Lucifer (now known as Satan) was disembodied and cast down to the earth (then called Eden) before Adam and Eve were created. (Is. 14:12-15; Ezek. 28:13-17; Job 38:7; Luke 10:17; Rev. 12:9) He knows that he will end in the fires of hell. He has no hope of winning, yet he still seeks symbolic victories. With defeat certain, he seeks gestures of defiance. He wants to express his rebellion in tokens of contempt. Satan finds pleasure in the knowledge that he is not giving God the pleasure of supremacy. In his twisted thinking, his very existence, every defiant thought and act of noncompliance, is a denial of the sovereignty of God. In that alone he finds meaning and purpose. There can be no ultimate pleasure for Satan, so he lives for the immediate pleasure of reveling in his own autonomy, in defiance of God. Seeing this, we can understand why "God prepared hell for the devil and his angels." So, who is to blame? Who is at fault? Did Sue’s parents bring her to this, or is it the fault of something that occurred on the theological battleground before she was born—the fault of God? Did she inherit this behavior? You will be in step with current trends if you label her behavior as "the sins of the parents visited on the children." When we mortals are called to account for our stewardship, we are prone to pass the blame. To hear Christians explain their failures, either Adam is to blame, the devil, or my "sinful nature." I am a victim. My child is a victim. We are helpless. To be known as psychologically astute you must not demand anything of your child or yourself, for, according to trends, we are capable of nothing but toleration and compassion. This concept has been prevalent in all generations, but our day could be called "The Age of the Victim." Likewise, in this era of "science," everything, including behavior, can be explained in terms of chemicals, genetics, predispositions, personality types, in short—a sort of cosmic fate. No one is responsible. So the politically correct approach is to either ignore bad behavior or sedate it with chemicals. But this mother does not subscribe to a philosophy or theology that leaves her helpless. Though she is perplexed as to what she should do, she knows that there are answers, things she can do that will purge her daughter of this diabolical will to dominate. How and Why Even before Adam and Eve sinned, the element in their natures that drew them to disobedience was a desire for pleasure—the pleasure of taste, the pleasure of sight, and the pleasure of mental ascendancy. God created us with a desire for pleasure, something that is an essential part of his nature. God seeks the pleasure of his own will. Pleasure in any form is the elementary motivation of the human heart. We think of pleasure as primarily physical or sensual, but there is also pleasure of the mind, the spirit, and the emotions. The third aspect of Eve’s temptation was an appeal to her desire for the pleasure of knowing, of being on the inside, of ascending by means of the power of knowledge. It was not her desire for pleasure that was evil. Eve sinned because she sought pleasure without regard to duty. God placed the pleasure seeking parts of Adam and Eve under the control of their spirits and minds. Their volitional part determined just which pleasure they would ultimately value—the pleasure of existing in fellowship with God, under his authority, or the pleasure of independent, self-centered action. Eve chose the lower road of personal sovereignty and independent action. Children recapitulate the fall of Adam and Eve in their own quests for pleasure. Pleasure and Pain During those first weeks, Sue became conscious of the pleasure of her existence. Infants know only pleasure and pain—the pain of being hungry, and the pleasure of nursing; the pain of being sleepy, and the pleasure of a quiet room and soft blanket; the pain of a wet diaper, and the pleasure of having mother change it. At first Sue found all of her pleasure in having her bodily needs met, but in a few days, as she nursed and satisfied her hunger, she came to view the act itself as pleasurable. When her tummy ached and mother burped her, she came to enjoy being held and cooed. Life opened up and she discovered the world was a wonderful place to excite not only the senses, but the mind and spirit as well. Her drives were all instinctive. She was incapable of any sense of responsibility or duty. Her only value was pleasure for the sake of its inherent satisfaction. As she experienced the gratification of having her physical and emotional needs met, she developed wants as well—things that weren’t essential but felt good all the same. To her, there was no distinction. During those early months, parents cannot make any distinction either, and by the time they do, it is far past the time to begin training. Parents live to serve the child, and the child lives to be served. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement. It is when parents allow the child to stay on the throne too long that problems occur. The Contest Begins When Sue was just weeks old, because her parents rushed to meet her every need, she developed a conviction that the world owed her constant pleasure, and that her parents were there to serve her. But there were times when she was cold or hungry, and her parents were unaware of her needs, or for some reason they failed to act immediately. At such times she responded as any human or animal would; she expressed discomfort through body language and whining noises. Her parents did what is natural for parents; they rushed to satisfy the needs (and wants) of their helpless infant. Since the whining brought a favorable response, she very quickly realized that she had control over those people meeting her needs. The whining was adopted as a form of communication. Why not? Parents understood it and responded favorably. In time, whining lost some of its power, so she increased its intensity until it became screaming fits, which worked even better. Wow! She had the power to manipulate her parents. So her communication took on a more demanding and belligerent tone. She was pragmatic. If it works, use it. If it feels good, do it. And all this by her first birthday! It was at this time that Sue’s parents started training her. Not too late to train, but certainly too late to start. The roots of domination When Sue got a little older, her parents lost some of that instinctual tolerance that parents have for their helpless infants. They became increasingly dissatisfied with her intimidating aggression. They kept thinking she would grow out of it, but instead she perfected her techniques. Having decided she was old enough to be disciplined, they started resisting her demands. But Sue did not want to give up her throne, so she intensified the use of tools that had always been effective—"fits and a half." Sometimes she got her way and sometimes she lost the battle. But she found her occasional victory-of-the-wills to be a great pleasure, because at the end of the battle she obtained the indulgence she desired. Symbolic victories But it didn’t stop there. Originally the war-of-the-wills occurred over issues of indulgence. The child wanted to eat, stay awake, put her shoes on, take her shoes off, not eat a certain thing, etc. Parents had one view and the child had another. But after winning enough battles, Sue developed an addiction to the heady sensations of sovereignty. She found great mental satisfaction in using other people to serve her wants. It made her drunk with power to stand against what she knew to be the greatest force in the universe—her parents. Note carefully. Here is the final step that brought Sue to where we find her in this letter. She now seeks symbolic victories over her parents—over all authority. She will take a position for no other reason than that it is the opposite of her parents’, thus enabling her to experience the exhilaration of the fight, with the only prize being the title of winner. Sue now seeks opportunities to score victories over her parents. She finds pleasure in humbling them, in taking the wind out of their sails; just to win the contest of wills, to prove her prowess, to demonstrate her autonomy, to be her own person, to know that no one can make her bend or bow—what joy unspeakable and full of power! The seed of sin This was the third aspect of Eve’s temptation—to be like the gods, to know good and evil without making any judgments. The Apostle John calls it "the pride of life." Originally it was just a child’s desire for pleasure, but not any more. It is now something much worse. This child’s desire for pleasure has now mutated into a desire to dominate. This will to dominate is amazing in its strength, profound in its dedication and consistency, and evil in its disregard for the needs of others. We have discovered the soil in which the seed of sin is germinated. When the will to dominate grows up When tyrants grow up, they learn to control their inclinations in situations where they could embarrass themselves or loose their jobs or friends. The shameful thing is that when they go home, out of the public eye, they take out their need to dominate on their families. Most marital problems are rooted in the fact that one or both parties are trying to dominate the other. Women, normally thought of as more passive than men, are just as prone to have a will to dominate, but, due to their inferior physical statue, their tactics are more subtle than Sue’s. They will use weakness, bitterness, or emotional intimidation as a lever to control others. Reclaiming your authority Now for some answers. As Christian parents, we do not want our children to grow up belligerent and controlling. We are not content to wait until social concerns cause them to redirect their aggressions. We see it as a heart problem that needs to be treated at the root. In one word, I am going to give you the basic principle that will lead to banishing this disease of dominance—WIN—because that is the rule by which the child is playing. When the child decided to be confrontational and challenge your authority, it was for the purpose of winning a game. When you win, the child looses, and the game ceases to be fun. There is no pleasure for the child in always loosing. A gambler is compelled to gamble as long as there is hope of winning. Addiction is kept alive by the hope of an occasional win. If a gambler suffered the misery of losing his savings, home, car, job, family, health, and honor, he would still gamble, because even in losing, his senses are brought to a pitch of keenness and vitality. He finds pleasure in the game, whether he wins or loses, as long as there is hope of winning. However, if he knew that the table was rigged so that he could never win, it would instantly purge him of his compulsion, because there would be no game, no suspense, no risk, and no possibility of the thrill of winning. Gambling at that table would become as dull as the lawnmower blade. Addiction Sue’s addiction to dominance is as strong as any addiction to heroin, alcohol, pornography, or gambling. Lust seeks opportunity. The possibility of opportunity keeps lust simmering on the front burner. This mother said that spanking was just not working. Just as the gambler will lose time after time, yet ignore the pain and press on in hopes of a better day, so a child will suffer the pain of spanking time after time, in hopes of winning the blessed reward of dominance the next time—or maybe the next. If Sue became convinced that there was no game and no chance of winning, that there would never be the "thrill of victory," only "the agony of defeat," she would drop the game and go where she could find true pleasure. Peace on earth, good will toward men Leftwing dogma would advocate turning the other cheek. They would advise us to give the child everything she wants, and when she is bloated with her personal expressions, she will normalize. But the Jungs, Darwins, and Deweys are ready in the wings with drugs in the event their social experimentations don’t work. If their promiscuous approach to child development fails, they have reserved the privilege of labeling the child as a victim of a brain disorder. If you leave a child to function as if his independence and dominance were a viable option, you are not loving the child; you are allowing him to march blindly into certain destruction—not to mention the harm he causes to others along the way. Sue has adopted a false worldview. It is a narrow, blind, and selfish endeavor that offers false hope and empty pleasure. To allow her to continue on this path without meeting a greater power is to allow her to continue to believe a lie that will damn her soul. Those who set aside goodwill and adopt a will to dominate are enemies of God and of the fellowship of humanity. Fear God and the king When adults or children choose the wrong path they must be brought to repentance. Modern, Christian psychology with its feather-pillow tactics will not work. Sue and other children like her need to come smack dab up against the fear of God. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. Jesus said, "I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him (Luke 12:5)." Modern Christianity has had the fear of God driven out of it by counselors, motivational preachers, praise music, and Christian bookstores. Sue is too young to fear God, but properly placed fear is essential to mental and spiritual health. Sue needs to fear her parents as Christians fear God. I am not talking about fear of a spanking, nor fear of their presence, but rather, she should fear the authority they command. When the rod fails Dear Mother, as we said, you cannot depend on spanking Sue into compliance. Do not fail to spank, but don’t expect it to work until you have made some other adjustments. And when you do spank, make sure that it is forceful enough to get her undivided attention. If she can scream "huggie" while you are spanking her, you are probably not spanking hard enough. Do not allow 15 seconds to lapse between the offense and the spanking. And do not allow more than 10 feet between the place of the offense and the place of spanking. The association is essential. Don’t hug her in reference to the spanking. That is an apology, and it is a diversion from the issues. Again, spanking will not be the deciding factor, but it will help keep the pressure on. The Key to Victory The key is to cut off all her attempts to sabotage your authority. When she draws a line and sets herself against your command, never, I say never, allow her to win. She is looking for opportunities to prove her independence and sovereignty. You need to look for opportunities to demonstrate your sovereign governorship. She must be thwarted by a superior power. So far, she has been stronger than you. When you tighten up, she will bear down with her most defiant anger and hostility. Out of desperation, she will try every trick that has ever worked. You do not have to win the battle all at once. You just have to win every contest she throws at you. A plan Put the bed back in her room. Explain to her that she is going to sleep in it all night. Make a list of things you will do before bedtime. Each evening, check off the list with her, and when it is concluded there will be no more repeats. This list will be helpful because you have been allowing her to set the agenda spontaneously, whereas by writing it down, you are making her aware that you have an agenda from which you will not vary, and it is her responsibility to do the conforming. Place a glass of water in her room, and also a little potty. Let her watch the clock with you. When the hand gets to the bedtime hour, you will kiss her good night and leave the room. Do not answer any more questions, and do not respond except with a switch, in the event she breaks any of the rules. If she gets up to potty, there had better be yellow liquid in the pot, or she gets another switching. Do not threaten to spank her until she stops crying. For some children that would work, but you do not want to challenge her to a contest that you cannot win. She may be able to tolerate the pain longer than you can tolerate giving it. Once she outcries the switch, she will keep on doing so, stretching her endurance longer and longer each time. You can harden a child to your ultimatums by allowing her to win the switching-or-else contest. The point is to win any objective contests she initiates. You can’t make her stop crying, but you can stand over her and make sure she does not get out of the bed. You don’t have to spank excessively. Your goal is to get her to "voluntarily" return to the bed. You can get an intercom and mount it high on the wall so you can hear everything that goes on in her room. Don’t let her know that her room is bugged. If you can’t get the intercom, you may have to sleep outside her room. If she gets out of bed, go in there, and without saying a word, give her one or two licks—whatever it takes to get her back in bed. If she rushes to obey when she hears you coming, give her five licks anyway. Do not drag her to the bed. It is important that she exercise her own will to obey. If she throws a screaming fit, give her several moderate licks every few minutes and wait beside her until she is so tired she obeys. Do this all night long, every night, until she readily complies. If she puts her shoes on backwards, do not threaten or complain, just commence giving her licks right on her feet or ankles until she gets her shoes on the right feet. If she takes her shoes off in the yard, do not warn her, just go out in the yard and spank her feet until she finds her shoes and puts them back on. Now above all, to make this effective, you must always maintain the dignity of a judge. You cannot be stressed or emotionally upset. She has been winning the emotional battle—a field you must conquer if you are to win the larger game. Pretend to be indifferent to her suffering at the end of the switch. You must always be calm and deliberate. Lastly, you should reward all good behavior with lots of smiles and participation. Spend time enjoying her when she is in a state of goodwill. Try to keep her in a state of fellowship and participation at all times. Make it difficult for her to turn against the pleasure of fellowship and to sink into a bad mood. Fellowship When you take away a twisted pleasure, like the will to dominate, give her something to replace it. Fellowship and group cooperation is a powerfully stabilizing factor. Don’t allow your child to get bored. Be sure to wear a smile that comes from your heart. Look in your child’s face and show delight and satisfaction. Establish the child in a mental pleasure that is more pleasurable than the will to dominate. Consistency Be consistent. Repeat the former sentence 25 times and then diagram it.

Ramblin’

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Apr 2000 11:00:01 +0000

A young father dropped by to confer with one of my sons on some item of business. His little boy, not yet two years old, wandered over to the toy box and began to drag out all manner of interesting animals and colorful, noise-making contraptions. The men held our attention as they discussed several interesting items—everyone ignoring the kid. With business concluded, the father said to his son, "Come on, let’s go." I am always observing the interaction of parents and their children, so I watched to see how quickly the little fellow would give up his intoxication with his captivating pile of distraction. It was obvious he had heard. But rather than drop the toys and come running, which is what you would expect from and obedient, well-trained child, he started grabbing toys as if he intended to prevent anyone from separating him from them. This young father and his wife have done a good job with their first child, and I was hoping for a good showing with this one as well. I got much more than I hoped for. The wobbly toddler, with his arms full of toys, crossed the room to unburden himself at the toy box. He hastily made several trips until he had completely restored the room to its original order, and then came to his daddy’s side. I couldn’t believe it. I quickly ushered them out of the house before my wife took notice. What if she considered the fact that this tiny tot was better trained than her husband? I know it is never to late to train, but it does get too late to want to be trained. The most successful teaching is done before one year old. If you stake the plant when it is young, you won’t end up trying to tie up a crooked plant—something I do most every year. As I have said before, "If a child is capable of taking toys out of a box, he is capable of putting them back in." Children are able to do much more much earlier than parents suppose. Most training is actually untraining. That is, parents wait until a child is conditioned to inappropriate behavior before they commence training, and then they are trying to break bad habits, not form or mold developing habits. In our selfish, carnal state, we parents tend to be motivated by internal pressure more than wisdom—the pressure of feelings, frustrations, guilt, anger at being ignored, embarrassment, etc. We follow the path of least resistance. We tolerate more than we should until emotional pressure motivates us to action. The problem is that at that point our response is a negative one. It is criticism and irritation. The child understands it is the parents’ ego in competition with his for supremacy. I know the child can’t put a name to it, but his little soul will respond to emotional control and manipulation just as would your spouse. An irritated parent comes across as a bully, like an incompatible roommate, rather than a dignified authority that is training for the child’s good. All early training is done by participation and repetition, not by precept. You cannot lecture a one- or two-year-old on his duty. Threats and spankings will not mold habits. But if, right from the start, you never allow a child to leave his toys or clothes scattered, you will never have a hassle. Do not force the one-year-old child to work for you. Don’t put pressure on children that young. You need to apply pressure if he is angry and throwing a fit, or stubbornly rebelling, but you don’t pressure a child for being untrained. It’s your fault. So you shouldn’t spank him for failure to put his toys up. Sit with him on the floor and make a game out of cleaning up. The first few times it is not necessary that he do any significant portion of the work. You just want to communicate the idea that toys are never left scattered. Show him how to return toys to the box, laugh, sing, and play. You may put away ten toys while he cleans up only one. You may have to hold his hand and guide it. He will think it is the grandest thing in the world to be playing with mother. If you make cleanup delightful, he will dump the toys out and then pick them up several times during the course of play. Heed this warning: If you try to train in a confrontational attitude, the child will emotionally draw back from you and from the experience of cleanup. He will come to associate cleanup with tension and anxiety. You will not only fail to teach him to cleanup after himself, you will teach him to avoid clean up, and you will teach him to be tense and demanding of you. You would expect that a child living under a significant amount of parental tension and pressure would draw away from the parent, but the response is one of whining, demanding, clinging, and a generally dissatisfied state of mind. He will demandingly snuggle up with a frown on his face. He will forcibly push away things that you offer him, because his soul is dissatisfied and angry. He wants and needs unconditional affection given in the security of authority. What he has gotten is arbitrary rule with conditional affection given in an atmosphere of criticism and rejection—a sure formula for shipwreck. As I was writing this I was interrupted by a child screaming. Deb is baby-sitting an eleven-month-old little boy. I let him scream for about five minutes, as I wrote the last lines of the above paragraph, and then I left my office and went to investigate. Deb was doing business on the phone—talking to a missionary, long distance. The child was clawing at the back door, trying to get it open so he could go outside. I picked up a switch and walked over to where he was conducting his scream-in. In a calm but firm voice I said, "No, stop crying." I didn’t expect him to respond, but I wanted to establish the rules. When he failed to respond, I switched him twice on the only exposed skin—about three inches between his sock and pants leg. Again he did what I expected, what he does when his mother swats him—scream in defiance. But I have seen her swat him, and it never even gets his attention, other than a signal to scream louder. But when I switched his bare skin, he looked shocked and started to rub it. He continued to cry in protest, so I gave him two more licks on the bare leg. This time, he was convinced that I meant business. I know that he understood the issue, because he crawled past me, away from the door. Again I commanded him to stop crying, brandishing the switch. He stopped crying immediately, continuing to rub his leg while staring at me. At this point, you could say that I had won. I had trained him to respond to my command and to cease his crying protest. But that is only the negative side of training. I like to stop with the positive, so I picked up one of the toys and started talking about it and trying to get his attention to something creative. The rule is "When you take something away from a child, always replace it with something positive." I don’t mean that you should purchase compliance with a bartered settlement. You do not want to give the child an indulgence to satisfy him. Just don’t leave him sitting in a boring vacuum. Turn him to something stimulating and creative. I didn’t want to leave him sitting on the floor, rubbing his sore leg and brooding over his defeat. If I did that, he would soon return to his demand, for he had his heart set on going outside. After failing to gain his interest in the toys, I rolled a ball over to him. He shoved it away violently. It was a symbolic rejection of me and my attempt to distract him. At this point I might have spanked him for his little show of defiance and self-will, but I did not want to get caught in a downward attitude spiral. He needed to be drawn into something positive, so I overlooked that little display in hopes of turning his attitude around. I could have over-ridden his temper and crushed his rebellion, but I wanted a friend, not just an obedient servant. Sitting near by was a five-gallon plastic water container, one third full of coins—our life savings—our insurance policy—our hospitalization—our retirement—former math curriculum—and now kiddy entertainment. Earlier he had reached down inside, as only his little hand could do, and drawn out some coins which were now scattered on the floor. I pretended to ignore him and commenced to pick up coins, making as much jingling sound as possible, and dropping them one by one back into the container. It was more than he could stand. I had noticed that he was a manipulator. He rushed over to where I was and reached deep into the jar, coming out with a hand full of coins. He handed them to me smiling. I took them and again dropped them back into the jar one by one. He drew out more and dropped a few on the floor, threw some across the room laughing, and handed me some. His attitude had recovered. He was happy. He was playing. He was no longer trying to get out the back door. I had not only won the contest of wills, I was winning his soul to myself. I was tying the strings of fellowship. This camaraderie would make it harder for him to disobey. He was coming to value my friendship. He would now want to please me. But there was more. Now that I had him on most pleasant terms, I would teach him responsibility. I would teach him to clean up after himself, to put the coins back into the container. So I picked up the coins from the floor and held them over the hole, dropping them slowly so he could see what I was doing. I made it look and sound fun. After a moment, he touched the coin in my hand just as it slipped away into the jar. I then bragged on how smart he was to put the coins back in the container. Again I manipulated him into assisting me in returning the coins. He got the idea and retrieved a coin from the floor to return it to the jar. As he dropped the coin in the jar, he looked up for my approval, giving me a big smile. I bragged on his maturity and hard work and dropped more coins in the jar. He was convinced; putting them back in the jar was as fun as taking them out. All this occurred to the background sound of my commands accompanying his actions. When he dropped a coin in the jar, I would say, "Put the coins in the jar." He came to identify my pleasant command with the pleasure of putting the coins back in the jar. He will now repeat the cleanup experience just to relive the pleasure of camaraderie. And he also learned the meaning of the command, "Put the coins back in the jar." This took about ten minutes of my time. You say, "I don’t have that much time." Then give your children to someone who does. Obviously you have chosen to dedicate you time to some pursuit you deem more valuable than well-trained children. You shouldn’t be a parent if you are not going to give it all that these little developing souls deserve. The world has enough misfits without Christians adding to the mob. There is no greater joy than training up godly, emotionally stable, hard working, and ministering children. You are too busy? Amish mothers make their own soap, carry water in buckets, build a fire outdoors under a big cast iron pot, boil the clothes for thirteen kids and a grimy husband, hoe the garden, preserve the vegetables, kill and clean the chicken, milk the cows and churn the butter, split the fire wood, and then do all the house cleaning chores that you do, and they have time. But then they don’t have telephones or TVs, and when visitors come over they don’t stop work to visit. The visitor helps with the work. Did I forget to mention: The Amish mother trains her children to work! She is not their servant. She is the TRAINING BOSS. You can be too. It will take a load off your mind and body while building character and self-confidence in your children.

The Goo-Goo Lady

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Feb 2000 12:05:14 +0000

I may be just fifteen months old, but I am not as dumb as my muttering makes me look. After all, I’m learning the King’s English from adults that all talk like babies. When they talk to each other, it is easier to understand, but when they talk to us kids they slobber and goo until we have to laugh at them. Then they are satisfied and go back to speaking to each other where you can understand them. But that’s not what I wanted to tell you. Just the other day, two ladies came to visit. They looked kind of funny, so I made the mistake of smiling at them. They couldn’t keep their hands off of me. I started showing them all the things I could do. You should have seen me; it would have made Barnum and Bailey look like a church play. I guess that with all the attention I got a little rowdy, as Dad would call it, so he told me to go into the other room. I didn’t want to leave my audience so I tried an old trick that I had almost forgotten. It had never worked with Dad, but I had used it successfully against mother on several occasions—that is until she read that second book—No Greater Joy, something or another. Anyway, when Dad commanded me to go outside and join my brothers and sisters, I saw the goo-goo lady look absolutely stricken. So I put on a forlorn, pleading look, placed one finger in my mouth, hung my head and shoulders, and started gently rocking from side to side on the balls of my feet. I saw it on Shirley Temple. It worked well for her. I cut my eyes back to see how Dad was taking it, and he made a gesture toward his belt buckle. The ladies probably thought he was just scratching his belly button, but I knew better. I could not be sure that the presence of these two ladies would stop him from spanking me, so I decided not to take the risk. But as I headed out of the room, I got in one last shot. I cried just a little, so everyone would see how mean he was. The ouu-ahh lady jumped up and got right in front of me. She started making those unintelligible sounds that meant her reason had departed. I played it for all it was worth. My whimpers turned to sobs. She scooped me up and started saying things like, "pooooorrrrr baaaaabeeee, it’sss allll right. Therrre now. Sweet child." Then, looking from Dad to me she put on her most sanctified, compassionate look and said, "She wants to stay, don’t you dear?" I wiped my tears and tried to smile to show my appreciation. As she hugged me, I looked over her shoulder and saw Dad give Mom one of those "What do we do now looks?" Mom jumped up and said, "Why don’t we all go in the kitchen for a cup of hot tea?" I smiled and pulled on the lady’s glasses, knowing I had won. Mom led the way, and the ladies followed. I had it all under control until I saw Dad step in front of my accomplice, and with a big smile he said, "I will take pumpkin; she may need to potty." He was smiling so sweetly with his mouth, but his eyes were chilled. Too late! He took me from the lady with the funny smell and then quietly shut the door to the kitchen. He sat me right back in the spot where I was sitting when he first commanded me to go outside. He went back to the chair where he had been sitting and quietly repeated his former command, "Go outside and play with the others." He didn’t fool me. I could tell that he was not going to cut me any slack. I think he was hoping I would balk. I may be selfish, but I’m not stupid. I turned to flee toward the back door. He said, "Stop." I stopped and slowly turned. He said, "Smile." I smiled. He said, "Now go outside." I went. A word from the editor: The story you just read is true, for I watched it unfold in my living room this past week.

Infant Manifesto

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Aug 1999 11:00:01 +0000

To all you little kids out there, I would like to lend my advice on how to train your Mommies and Daddies. Let me tell you, this is easier than you think. Those who have gone before have blazed the trail. Almost without exception kids are winning the war against parental dominance. There is no need to grow up deprived of your rights to unlimited indulgence. We are born into a new age where psychology and TV have taught parents the truth about one’s right to free expression. Kids everywhere are breaking free of the old fashioned restraints of family. No one has a right to tell another human being what is right and wrong. Each one must find one’s own way. Be true to thyself. Get in touch with your own feelings, and do not allow your creativity to be stifled by the older hypocrites. The tide has turned, and we even have the law on our side now. The courts are ruling in our favor. So rise up to your calling and join the masses as we throw off the archaic restraints. I know they are big and can be intimidating, but if the truth be known, they are all pushovers. Let me inform you of your advantages. You will soon discover these things on your own, but if you two-month-olds can be forewarned, you can get a head-start while the big dummies are still totally absorbed with how cute you are. Why wait until you are six-months-old to start taking control of these teddy bears? Many kids your age are already establishing dominance. So as one who has been through it, let me give you a few tips. First you must understand that your very weakness will be working to your advantage. During the first months, parents, especially mothers—I think it has something to do with hormones—are driven by blind instinct. They have this deep emotional need to meet your every need. While you are still very young and weak, they know that you depend on them for your very survival. In those early months they will give you anything you need. By the time you are four or five months old you will realize that the world is full of stimulating and indulging things to do. You must start now before it is too late, getting your wants met as well as your needs. You see, at that early age, parents don’t know the difference between your needs and your wants, and if you have programmed them properly, they will not question your motives. Their own guilt and sense of duty will cause them to rush to your every whimper. By six months you will begin to experience anger when they fail to immediately comply. If you work it right, they will think you are just as cute when mad as when you are smiling, so pour it on and condition them to accept your anger as a normal part of infancy. All too soon they will begin to be frustrated with your dominance, so you must set a pattern before they are personally bothered by your controlling demands. By nine months old they will say you have a strong will and they will even say it with pride, as if it is some kind of virtue. When they are confronted by enemies of child freedom, they will excuse your behavior by saying that you are different and cannot be dealt with as other children. By the time you are two years old, they will be so conditioned that they will dismiss your free expressions as "the terrible twos." They are not willing to face defeat, so they like to think of it as just a stage. And there is some truth to their analysis. As you get three or four, you will have to learn to direct your demands more carefully. You can push them too far too soon, and they explode. Sometimes they strike out in violence and make you retreat to your room. They might even have an emotional breakdown, and you could be put into a government institution. There is more freedom there, but one does not get proper attention in the system. So you must disguise your dominance and express it more carefully. There are several ways to do this, and it is good to have a variety—it confuses them and keeps them from ever getting a fix on it. For instance, if you are a cute little girl, it is very effective to play the pity role. Pretend to be weak and emotionally hurt. You can get more mileage out of that than the boys can out of their strength. Even fathers are susceptible to this guise. If they tell you no, just look brokenhearted. It helps to just sag in your body like you don’t have the strength to go on with life. If they don’t immediately comply, then you can say you are tired or don’t feel well. Just lay around, and remember to ask in a pitiful voice about every ten minutes. When you ask, be sure to rub your hand along their leg or arm. It you are close enough to touch their faces that works even better. The stimulation of touch breaks down their resistance. Eventually they will say, "Oh all right, I don’t guess it will hurt anything." There, you will have your way, and after all, there is nothing in life more important than getting your own way. It is the greatest source of pleasure. Now if you are a boy, or a first born girl, or just a free spirit, then you may find the direct method more to your liking. Anger and hostility will intimidate the biggest of them. If you stand your ground early, especially before they feel you are old enough to be spanked, you can gain the upper hand by convincing them that it is "just your personality" and that "you will grow out of it." Be advised, it just takes one experience. It is best conducted before you are one year old, but it will work at any time. All you have to do is win. That is rule number one; win any contest of wills. Cause them to give up in exasperation. Frustrate their efforts at dominance. Stand your ground, even when you are spanked. Prove to the bullies that when you have your mind made up nothing can change it. Let them know that you will not obey any command you do not think is just. If you ever win just once, then you have broken their wills. Yes, remember, that is the important thing. Break their wills. Take away their confidence. Make them feel helpless. After that, it is easy. If you ever hear her say, "I can’t do a thing with that boy; he just has a strong will," then you know you have won. Keep it up and you will always be free of control. Another point to anticipate is that parents go through stages. They may read a book or take advice from a friend and decide to renew their efforts at dominance. Sometimes it can be hard on you for a few days. They will spank more and be impatient, but if you just hold out it will all blow over and things will return to normal. Remember, consistency is the key. If you ever give in just once, it renews their confidence, so if nothing else, seek symbolic victories. If there is no issue, just say "No" for the pleasure of it. If they tell you to remove your hand, and you know that they will explode if you don’t, then for the time being you will have to remove your hand. But just to keep them from feeling cocky, remove your hand slowly. Hesitate; keep their nerves on edge. It is a tricky balance, but they must always be made to feel that your will is intact. Move your hand by increments. Make them tell you six or eight times. Push them to the edge. This is good for your self-image. Don’t take it too hard when you are forced to comply. After all, they are bigger than you. No one is going to think you are weak just because you are outgunned. Your day will come. You will not always be the little guy. One day you will be able to stand, look her right in the eye, and cuss the old lady to her face. So for now, go with the flow, maintain your will and wait your turn. Eventually you will have a body that will match your will. Then you can seek your own without anyone telling you what to do. If you are lucky you will get modern parents. If you are really lucky you will be in the Federal School system. Then you stand a very good chance of receiving an official title to describe your behavior. They may call you something grand like: HAADDS. This will explain why you can never do what you are told and why you ignore commands that are given you. They treat you like you are born different, like you have no choice in the matter. It takes the monkey off your back. Once you are labeled by an Official, they will put you on drugs. That’s right, the same stuff the big guys buy on the streets. Man what a high! All of life becomes mellow. No responsibility, no struggles; you can just sail through youth feeling good, never having to surrender your will. There are reports that the kids on these medicines don’t function too well when they are grown, but don’t you believe it. I took drugs from the time I was in the second grade, and it didn’t hurt me. In fact, now that I am older, they bring me several drugs every day, and I feel great—that is when I am not sleeping. Sorry about the messy writing, but the pencil they give me to write with can’t be longer than two inches. They are afraid I will try to hurt myself with it, but there is no chance of that—that is, as long as they give me what I want. Well, there is more I could tell you, but this should get you started. Remember our motto: "SELF-EXPRESSION—SELF-FULFILLMENT—SELF REALIZATION—SELF-INDULGENCE—SELF…..SElf….self…self…….i Can’T reMember the ResT of ….. It iS time for mY nappppp." Infant Mani-what-so? Answer to Infant Manifesto I am not old enough to read, but I heard my parents reading that article called Infant Manifesto. I wanted to respond, but I can’t write yet, so I dictated this to my older sister—she is three years old—and she wrote it down on our new computer. If it weren’t for that grammar and spell check, I don’t believe she could have done it. Anyway, I just want to say that I disagree with the other kid that is trying to get us to exercise unlimited indulgence. Don’t get me wrong, I know he was right when he said that all us little guys just want our own way, that we seek to dominate our parents and to make them accomplices to our self-gratification. Like any other kid, I was born with a will to dominate, a will to have no authority higher than my own appetites, but I also know from experience that it’s not the best way. I don’t understand all that theology stuff, but I know that something is not quite right about the way we little ones come into the world. Now I don’t know if it is something in us that is broken or missing, or if it is something in the world, or our parents, or just what, but I know that something is not the way it should be. Surely our Creator didn’t intend for us to all go astray as soon as we are born, but we do. I started lying from day one. I am ashamed of it now, but I made my sweet mother think that I was hurting or cold, when all I wanted was to be held close. I soon learned that I could make her believe that I was hungry when I was not. By the time I was six months old—it hurts me to say it now—but I was displaying anger against the one who gave me life. Anytime she failed to immediately meet my wants, I would blow up. At first it was just a little whimpering, but then it got worse, until I found myself kicking and bucking in violent anger. Sometimes I would scream until I was blue in the face. Now that I look back on it, the looks on my parents’ faces were horrible, but I was not sensitive to anyone’s feelings but my own. It became an obsession to get my own way and to get it now. Oh, I don’t blame my parents, I know that I intimidated them, not through strength, but through my weakness. They felt so helpless and inadequate, and I used that to gain even more control. The magazines in the doctor’s office helped me in my conquest toward autonomy. The "professionals" are just little rebellious kids in disguise. I know; I met some of them when I attended counseling with my parents. They have learned to say things with those big words, giving a name to every form of stupid behavior, but they are just big selfish kids trying to justify their own indulgence. They make our patterns of rebellion sound like legitimate childhood stages. I tell you this at my own risk. It is too late to have me aborted, at least I think it is. They don’t abort two-year-olds do they? Not yet anyhow? But if they find out I am telling you this they might decide to turn my brain into gravy with some of their drugs. I guess I am just paranoid, with Janet Reno still running around loose. My big brother, four-years-old, just informed me that I am getting off the subject, but what do you expect from a two-year-old with a three-year-old secretary? Oh yes, I was telling you how I disagree with that guy that tried to get all us kids to rise up against authority. Before you take the path I did, you need to hear what happened to me. It was just about three months ago on my second birthday. I was opening my presents, and my obnoxious cousin was there. After I unwrapped the third doll, I tossed it aside because it was not as pretty as the first two. When he picked it up, I screamed, "No, it is mine." But he wouldn’t turn loose, so I jerked harder and screamed louder. I bared my teeth and made threatening sounds. I kept screaming, "It’s mine, give it to me." The adults rushed over and separated us just as we started hitting each other. My mother told me something about sharing and being kind, but none of it made any sense to me. All I could tell was that they all acted like I was bad. I pulled all my toys in close and tried to keep anyone else from stealing my beautiful things. And then it came time to cut the cake. Mother wouldn’t let me cut it, so I slammed my hand down on top of the little flowers. It splattered gooey icing everywhere. It seemed to upset everybody, but I was already mad and didn’t care. Mother said she was very disappointed and asked very sweetly—but I could tell that she was mad—"Wouldn’t you like to say you are sorry?" "No, it’s my cake," I screamed, and ran from the room. Grandmother made it all right by explaining to Mother that I "didn’t understand," and that I "was just upset." She told Mom that this was a "special day" and that I should be allowed to cut my own cake." Mother was embarrassed, and that’s right, I won. Then while we were eating our cake and I was guarding my presents, I saw another Mom talking to my Mom in a very serous way. They both looked at me like they were plotting something really bad, and then Mom nodded her head yes. The woman opened her purse and handed Mother a plain little book with no color on the cover. I saw that her purse was full of them. She must have been some kind of missionary or something. It didn’t look like much, but mother thanked her and said something like, "We have tried everything…I don’t know what I……are about to our wits’ end…ready for anything…yes, I will read it" That was the fateful day that was to change our lives forever. It had not been a happy two years. I thought my mother and father were my enemies. In fact, it was me against the whole world. Everybody and everything seemed to stand in the way of my happiness—happiness being unrestrained indulgence. I never seemed to get enough, and was always peeved. Mother and I were growing further and further apart. I didn’t want that. I really needed her love, but it just seemed that I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t seem to draw a line and then force myself to exercise self-restraint. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t think of others. I was all that mattered to me. I know it sounds bad, but when I stay in the nursery, I realize that I am not alone. Well, Mother got real intent when she started reading that book. Sometimes she would laugh, and sometimes she would cry, but she kept looking over at me like she had something very serious on her mind. When there was no one around, she would put her head down and talk to somebody she called Jesus, but I never saw him, and she didn’t use the phone. I don’t know what that is all about. I never saw anything like it on television. When she finished the book, she showed it to Daddy, and I heard them reading it again in the bedroom at night. And they talked about it a lot. I heard Daddy say, "OK, we will try it." And the next day is when it all started. I got up grumpy as usual and was unhappy with my breakfast. Mother tried to serve that mush the Quakers used to eat. I pushed it aside and demanded the sweet cereal I am so fond of. We started our little tug of war. She said, "No," and I started my whining and protesting. I don’t always win everything, but I knew that I could at least get extra sugar in the mush. Besides, like the fellow said in the other article, it was not so important what I ate as it was that I start the day off establishing my autonomy. If you win the first battle of the morning, you have won the day. But to my utter amazement, it didn’t go at all like it was supposed to—like it usually did. When it was time for Mother to get red in the face and start jerking everything around, including me, she just smiled and said, "You can eat what is on the table or you can do without." I knew this was just round one, and that if I looked pitiful enough she would come around, but before I knew what was happening she had lifted me out of the highchair and was cleaning the table. I stood in the floor and let out a blood-curdling scream, and then I felt this awful sting on my bare legs. I didn’t think she was mad enough yet to spank me. She usually waits until she totally loses patience and then strikes out in anger, but this time it almost looked as if she was smiling. She commanded, "Stop crying and go change your clothes." I let out another scream and "Bam," another lick with that switch of hers. This was war! I couldn’t let her get away with this; didn’t she know I had control attachment disorder? I turned red in the face and screamed like I have never screamed before. This usually brought compromise, but instead, without another word of warning or threatening, "bam, bam, bam"—about ten times. I was shocked. My timid mother, whom I had such control over, was suddenly heartless. But after several more futile attempts that all ended at the end of a switch, I jumped up and ran to change my clothes. I never realized that she was so big. When I came back and demanded something to eat, she told me that in two hours I would be allowed to eat the Quaker mush, without sugar. I would like to say that I had learned my lesson and that in two hours I ate the stuff, but I didn’t. I had trouble at lunch and again at supper. It was three days before I learned that Mother had taken my place as head of the house. I had to eat what she placed in front of me or starve. This was a different Mom from the one that I had been raising for two years. I couldn’t make her mad, and it seemed that she had made up her mind to never let me win a single contest, for no matter what the issue, she quietly stuck by her word. She never let me overrule her. She was awesome! It became a thing of certainty that if I whined, I would be denied all pleasure. You will find this hard to believe, but I learned that the only way to manipulate Mom was with a sweet smile and a carefully worded request. Anything else turned her into a broken vending machine—you couldn’t get a thing out of her. I had been used to her working herself up. All that disappeared. When she gave a command, she just gave it once. My hearing improved. I got to where I could hear a whispered command the first time. My survival depended on it. It was no longer a democracy. She stopped sharing power with me. I was made totally subject to her will. Now I noticed something right away. Mother seemed to like to read to me more. I fact, she started looking at me and smiling. I found it was wonderful. I really liked it. She looked at me like she really liked me. It had been a year since I had seen that beautiful smile that I loved so much. It made me feel better about myself. Whereas we had once been enemies, we could now be friends. Mother seemed to enjoy me when I was obedient. Of course, it was not my doing. She didn’t leave me any choice but to obey. But it still felt good to be in fellowship with my Mom. She would take me in her lap and we would just love each other like we used to do when I was just two months old. It was wonderful.

Plowing Under Weeds

Michael Pearl — Fri, 15 Sep 1995 11:00:17 +0000

Last week I was in Florida staying in the home of a young family. They had a son, 2 years old, who exemplified good training. He was a joy to be around. I was wondering how this young couple had managed to train him so well. The next morning, I sat across the breakfast table from the mother as she was feeding her little eleven-month-old daughter. Suzzie sat in the high chair sucking from a spoon a spinach- squash-mush-mix, or some such concoction. I think I have discovered why some kids are so rebellious later in life. They are punishing their parents for what they were forced to eat when they were too young to know the difference and to small to resist. After about half of a jar, the little girl shoved it away. The mother pushed it back in front of her and said, “Don’t you want some more, are you through?” Again the child shoved it away, this time with a little more force. It was one of those whole-body shoves, not violent, but determined. Her body language said, “I have had all of this I am going to tolerate. Get it out of my sight before I throw it in the floor.” She didn’t voice any protest, and she was not mean spirited. She was just practicing being independent, demonstrating her ability to enforce her rights. Most mothers would have simply accepted the child’s actions as a statement that she was through eating. However, this little mother was wise beyond her years. She picked up her little enforcer, which was lying on the table, and spatted the child’s hand, while she once again placed the jar of green slime in front of her. Suzzie tried to shove it away, and received another spat. The mother spoke so quietly and so without emotion that no one else at the table even noticed, “Suzzie, are you through eating?” The little girl did not cry, but she got the message that she is not in control—Mother is. I could see that she wanted to push it away, but she looked at the little switch and restrained herself. The mother further enforced her victory by leaving the jar in front of the child. I loved it. It was beautiful. It was the making of a well disciplined, self- controlled, balanced teenager. In that little girl’s heart, the seeds of rebellion were just germinating. She was fomenting the sins of Lucifer: “I will be..., I will ascend..., I will exhalt... (Isa. 14:13-14).” The thing that makes it difficult for the parents is that at such a young age the rebellion is so easy to overlook. At times it is even cute. “It doesn’t hurt anyone, it is not inconvenient, embarrassing, or trying on our patience. We are not personally irritated, so why bother? Wait until it gets to be a problem.” If a farmer waited until the little blades of grass got to be a problem, he has lost his crop. Before the roots get too deep, the farmer plows or cultivates-under the grass. When more seeds germinate, and grass and weeds begin to grow, the farmer again plows it under. By dealing with the problem before it is a problem, it never becomes a problem. Most parents wait until the weeds of self-will and indulgence are choking their children and disrupting the family before they try to pull them. The world and the Devil are always sowing tares in the flesh of our children. If we “sleep” and allow the weeds to get high enough to become visible, we might just have to “let them both grow together until the harvest, lest while ye gather up the tares, ye root up also the wheat with them.” There was a conflict in this eleven- month-old child. It was a tiny conflict, but it involved her whole soul. The tiny seeds seemed insignificant, but all deep rooted weeds begin as harmless little sprigs. The character she will have as an adult was being formed over that jar of baby food. The way parents respond to the eleven-month- old is one-hundred times more import- ant than how they respond to the fourteen-year-old. Tares that can be so easily pulled in a small child can not be pulled at all in a teenager. One year, I allowed grass to grow up around some bell pepper plants. I had cultivated out the center of the row, and was proud of the way my garden looked. But I had neglected the grass that was growing immediately next to some of the plants, concealed by the foliage. When it finally came to my attention, I decided that I would pull it tomorrow. I got distracted, we had a couple good rains, the sun shone warm, and the grass roots entwined with the roots of the bell pepper. When the pepper plant started to bear fruit, the grass was then nearly as big as the pepper plant. I decided to pull the grass. You guessed it, the pepper plant was uprooted with the grass. I stood there holding my beautiful bell pepper plant feeling like a stupid sluggard. When I found weeds tangled in the roots of other plants, I let them both grow together. The fruit was greatly decreased, but at least I didn’t kill the whole plant. I have seen parents “uproot” their older children in the process of trying to pull the tares which they allowed to mature. Pressured by parents who suddenly decide to clean house, some children totally rebel and run away from home—or commit suicide. I will not here discuss the manner in which we should deal with “weedy” teenagers. I am sure that I do not have answers for all the problems that arise. „ This little mother did know, however, how to pull little tares from the flesh of her eleven-month-old daughter. If you will take time to anticipate the character you desire in you teenager and cultivate it while they are young, you will be able to enjoy the fruit later on. We gardeners know that it is much easier to weed early in the season, before the sun gets hot, and the ground gets hard. If you wait too long, you may wait until the experience is so painful and humiliating that you give up on one of your “plants” and say, “Well maybe next year—next child.” It is sad to come to that place, but many of you are there right now. I must encourage those of you with small children, train up your children now. Do not wait until they are one-year-old to start training. Rebellion and self-will should be broken in the six-month-old when it first appears. Take this young mother’s example and think of ways you can train your child.

Why? But Why?

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Apr 1995 11:00:33 +0000

When a child is told to do something that he doesn't want to do, he will often ask, "Why?" It most cases the question is not prompted by a spirit of cooperative inquiry — it is prompted by a spirit of rebellion. The question is thrown at the parent as a challenge to his or her authority, wisdom, and motive. The child's question is actually a statement of defiance. The wise parent will know that the character of the child is better served if the question is left unanswered. The child should trust the wisdom and good intentions of the parent. The issue is not a deficit of information but a deficit of character. The child who is perfectly compliant in spirit doesn't need explanations. Yet, in some cases, he may delight in knowing why because he enjoys playing his part in the scheme of things. Be sensitive.