No Greater Joy Ministries » Babies

Mirror of Our Reflection

Shoshanna (Pearl) Easling — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 11:25:14 +0000

Look at your reflection and smile. It is a two-way mirror. From the time Jeremiah was a baby, the moment he wakes I cheerfully say, “Good morning, sweetheart!” He always smiles back in delight, and I go on to talk to him about the wonderful day ahead. This sets the tone for the day, and every day is a good day. Happy, confident, aggressive, as a toddler and then a small child, he knew his mama loved him. He has grown up so much. Now he is five and I say to him, “Do you know you are the best kid ever?” “Yes!” he says. “I know, Mama. Do you know you are the best Mama ever?” We laugh and hug. I have found I am raising my reflection. Now Penelope Jane has joined our play. She is eight months old and delights in her brother as he does in her. I see my son starting his sister’s day off with a smile as he talks with her and delights in her. My children reflect everything I do. The way I greet and talk to Daddy; the way I treat others; the way I live life; everything I do, everything I say, they look at me and learn. By the time a child is five years old his brain is 90 percent developed—and his soul is 90 percent developed as well. The heart is well on its way to learning empathy, love, kindness, goodness, gentleness, courage, strength, and steadfastness—or anger, laziness, pouting, envy, greed, and lust. I look around and I see parents everywhere raising their reflections. Each child is unique, but still reflects who is raising him. I look at myself and I ask, am I what I want my kids to be? “More is caught than taught,” my daddy always says. Your children are your reflection. Look at your reflection and smile. It is a two-way mirror.

ESP Training—Explain, Show, Practice!

Kim Doebler — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:35:14 +0000

We’ve had a lot of fun learning self-control by practicing sitting still without moving for specific amounts of time. Start with 15 seconds, set each child on their own blanket and instruct them to look straight ahead and to not move. The first time you can count the 15 seconds out loud so they can hear their progress. Each time you practice increase the time until they can sit for four minutes without moving. Once four minutes is reached then add different temptations to try to get them to turn and look or move. Some examples are: stand behind the children and crinkle a candy wrapper or pretend to greet someone at the door. Have fun with it. It is amazing for a child to learn they do not have to look every time they hear something interesting or they don’t have to burst into laughter when someone acts silly in front of them. These practiced exercises will come back to help your child when they want to turn around in church or in a class and someone is acting like a goof. Knowing they possess the ability to practice self-control will benefit them in such times of temptation. Excerpts from Kim S. Doebler’s book ESP Character Training. Available for $14.99 at: ESPCharacterTraining.weebly.com or ESP Character Training, PO 247, Lake Tomahawk, WI 54539 ESP Training, Explain, Show & Practice by Kim S. Doebler, Learning Self-Control. — Kim Doebler

When the Worst Happens

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 11:00:21 +0000

WARNING to parents! Mature subject matter. Some of the topics in this article are not appropriate for children.

Woe is the day when a good friend rages, “My little girl said that your son...” Or worse, you walk in on your boys and a neighbor kid in a state of undress, experimenting with their bodies. The horrors of discovering that your young teenage boy is addicted to the worst kinds of pornography, or catching your girls trading lurid notes with other girls or boys! I could go on and speak of the things you may discover about your sons or daughters at various ages, beginning at three or four years of age, but “it is a shame to even speak of those things done of them in secret.” We get the ugly letters. Parents are shocked, angered, and then brokenhearted and finally despondent. In one very rigid family the parents discovered their teenage boys and girls were engaged in immorality, and the parents were so demoralized that they turned back to their pre-church, pre-homeschool days of drinking, smoking, and bar hopping. The whole family went to hell. But one of the girls, after several years of marriage, experienced the new birth through faith in Jesus Christ, and it is she who wrote their story, now dismayed for her wayward parents. There is no safe place. You cannot move to heaven. Even our little church and tight community discovers untoward behavior among some of the children from time to time. The Amish and Mennonite community has its share of horse dung now and then. You can isolate your children from all outside influences, yet they will discover and cultivate the lord of the flies lurking in their own flesh. Most kids have had some sort of sexual contact before they reach puberty. We parents expect the best of our children. We train them to do what is right and protect them from evil influences. We are concerned when we see moral tragedies all around us, awful failures, kids taking the short road to hell. We know something like that could never happen to our children, for we are Christians and our kids are brought up to know right from wrong. Yes, we should have the highest of expectations, but if the unexpected happens and the devil dumps on our doorstep, do we know how to respond? Sometimes our parental response to a child’s divergence into the profoundly ugly is the deciding factor as to whether it is a one-time curiosity or a permanent turn down the road to perdition. We hear too many stories from shocked and horrified parents. “How could this happen? I didn’t believe my son was capable of this. We did everything right.” And it’s true. You can do everything right and your children can still end up exposed to the sins of Sodom, the adultery of David and the fornication of Samson. The question is, have you gone beyond just “raising them right” to taking proactive steps to arm them against the day of dark temptation?

Innocence is no hedge

I am amazed at parents’ belief that they and their children are somehow immune to the depravity of the human race, that good is the default position in their family. If I didn’t have a Holy Bible, I would definitely believe in a sinful nature. Observable phenomena are indisputable. Universal depravity is more certain than taxes or death. Yet by the grace of God, through his Word and the power of the Holy Spirit, we can be overcomers in this world, and we can train up our children in the way they should go so they will not depart from it, but such is the supernatural exception, common to those who fear God, not the status quo. Children are not born with our values. They do not come into the world good. They come innocent. And innocence is a two-way street, with no signs—only desire. Just as innocence provides no propensity to evil, it provides no protection from the false promises of the fun of experimentation. All options are equal in the mind of a child who has not yet come to a full knowledge of good and evil, something that comes to complete fruition by at least age 19. That which is morally obvious to us adults is—to a child—nothing more than two flavors. Why should one be eaten and the other shunned? They know not. So they taste all that is available until they develop a taste one way or the other. Eve couldn’t discern any difference between the tree of the knowledge of good and evil that led to death and the tree that would perpetuate life. She didn’t possess the experience and maturity to differentiate—as is the case with all children. But innocence is no hedge against the consequences inherent in any departure from the holy and pure. The surprise and shock experienced by parents stems from children’s ability to originally conceive sin. Not all sins are copycats; not all spring from temptations without. Where children are concerned, there are many original sins. The natural appetites of flesh and mind are sufficient to account for the sins of youth. “A child left to himself will bring his mother to shame”, but even a child well-guarded and properly instructed will, like Eve, be tempted to taste the forbidden fruit, knowing not that a flaming sword will part them from their garden of innocence.

Reverse trend

I have noticed a trend down through the years. Some parents are suspicious and distrusting of the flesh of their children and of the human race in general. They know their teen boys are going to, at the very least, take a mind trip down the road of immorality. These discerning parents know their young sons are going to come in contact with queer bait boys and grabbing girls. They are wisely suspicious of the preacher’s sons, the choir director’s girls, the old man teaching Sunday school, and the woman giving piano lessons. Then there are those parents who seem to trust everybody in the church and anyone who maintains a respectable lifestyle and has a good reputation. They act as if evil comes with a devil suit and a sign. They allow their children to run in a herd with other kids and believe evil resides on the other side of the tracks only. If experience had not taught me something different, I would believe that parents who expect evil and take extra steps to guard their children are the ones who had rough pasts, and that parents who are naively trusting that their kids “would never do anything like that” are the innocent ones who have never seen true evil up close. Surprisingly, not so. Often parents who have come from the dark side of the tracks think they left evil behind and that their children could not possibly get involved in the things they experienced in the sick and seedy world of their pasts. Those of us who were brought up in the church and protected from societal evil can examine our own hearts and know that innocence is no haven against imaginations of the flesh.

Two-to six-year-olds

What do you do if you suddenly discover you have a child that has been dancing with the devil? This is the most important thing I will say to you, so listen carefully: When the worst happens, do not assume it is all over. Do not go into mourning. Do not persecute the child. Don’t give up. Know that there is yet plenty of hope. I am not merely telling you to keep a positive attitude like the doctor might tell you to do after informing you that you have brain cancer. Hear me now. Statistically-speaking, a young child who engages in shameful behavior is not by any means destined to be a pervert. Now think back to when you were a child. Did you ever get alone with a cousin or sibling and discuss the intimacies of what mommies and daddies do in private? Do you ever remember out of curiosity examining a member of the same or opposite sex? Did you ever view pornography? Did it make a pervert out of you? Did it totally destroy your life? A small percentage will say it was the first step to a downward road. For most it was just a passing discovery. I am not minimizing the seriousness of childhood participation in aberrant behavior, but I would like to minimize your emotional response, to prevent you from reacting in a way that is going to leave horrible scars where there would otherwise be quick healing, or maybe no wound at all.

According to age and need

Our response should be measured according to the needs and age of the child. The key is to discern the heart of the child. Children under five may see their parents or someone on television making love. Be sure, like everything else the world offers, they are going to try kissing or fondling any other boy or girl, sibling or friend, just to see why adults find such delight in it. When they find it to be quite boring, they will give up the idea and try a different flavor of ice cream. Unless they are led on by older children who do find excitement and stimulation, the little ones will not be harmed by curious investigation of their bodies or of others their age. Their exploration is certainly not desirable and may be a warning flag, but it does not mean you have a sexually active four-year-old. If you should catch your very young children in this kind of unseemly behavior, do not blow your lid and go ballistic. First, without any show of emotion (difficult, I know,) evaluate the scene. Do they display guilt at being discovered thus? If not, then just say, “Put your clothes back on and stop that. That is what mamas and daddies do, not children.” Show a normal amount of irritation or mild anger as you would at a common infraction of the rules. Then make a show of forgetting it. But don’t forget it; keep an eye on them and make sure that is the end of it. You don’t want to attach guilt or shame to something they will otherwise forget for lack of significance. Don’t make more of the event than they made of it. Then in your regular Bible story time with them, teach the law of God concerning adultery, incest, fornication, etc., but at an appropriate level to their age and understanding. Now what if the young children respond with strong guilt or shame? Make sure it is not just a reflection of the shock and shame on your face. If it is a true reflection of their souls, chances are this is not the first time and they are deriving some kind of illicit pleasure out of the event. They are knowingly violating their consciences. You have a sinner in the house. It is yet important to remain calm and in control. You need to separate the kids and talk to each one individually. As much as it pains you, get the whole story. It is now important to express controlled shame and disgust at their deeds, but not so intensely as to cause them to clam up. They need to see your sadness, your tears, your grief, but this will pass, so allow them space for repentance. Don’t create an atmosphere that will prevent them from feeling loved and forgiven. I have suggested that if the small child seems to be doing nothing more than experimenting out of curiosity, don’t highlight the moment by making a big deal out of it, and wait until later to teach them about Sodom and Gomorrah and the sin and judgment of King David. But if there is great guilt and shame, if this is a secret sin to the child, the time to teach is right now. Again, stay calm and in control. They have a spanking coming. If there are children involved who are not your own, and you feel the other parents will share your approach to discipline, and they are immediately available, they should be called to participate in the “court proceedings.” If you feel the other parents are not going to sympathize with your approach, separate out any that are not your own children and then deal with your kids alone. After briefly defining their transgression and telling them the evil of their deeds, with all of your children that were involved present, spank them soundly. If you are not in control of your emotions, save the spanking until you are. Do no harm to the child. That would be counterproductive. They need to see a dignified judge passing sentence, not an out of control personal response of violence. If they are expecting a spanking, by getting it out of the way, they will be more focused on what you have to say. Now sit them down for a serious Bible study on their sin and the consequences. If there are other children in the house who are aware of the foul deed, and are old enough to benefit from the teaching, they should sit in on the session, as well. As you teach, it will be appropriate to continue to express limited grief and sadness. More is caught than taught. You should have already been teaching these things to your kids in your regular Bible story lessons, but, if not, now is the time. For those who feel completely inept at teaching, I suggest the Sex Education for Children audio message that instructs kids in Biblical prohibitions against sexual sins. As a preventive measure, Deb and I addressed the subject to our children at least once a year, and from time to time they heard instruction and warning in sermons and adult Bible classes. All the children, of any age, sat in on the teaching.

Seven- to twelve-year-olds

Even where it concerns older children, all is not lost. There will be better days. Do you remember the story we have told of the beautiful homeschooled girl, lying in an uninsulated one-room shack with no water, electricity, or heat, delivering the baby of an empty-headed boyfriend? Deb, my wife, functioned as her midwife and then brought her and the child into our home to recover. The offended and insulted parents had shunned her to hide their own shame and protect the rest of the children from her bad influence. But her life got even worse after she married the father of her child and he took her to live in his father’s house. It wasn’t long before she discovered dark deeds involving a stepmother and trade-ups made in the night, things I cannot describe without being vulgar beyond bounds accepted in state prisons. She took her baby and fled to where even we could not locate her. The parents were brokenhearted to the point of treating her as if she were never born. It took about two years for her to surface. Today, fifteen years later, she is happily married to a fine man and has several more children by him. She is still a lovely person and no one would ever know that she walked the valley of the shadow of shame. I do not know how she now relates to her parents, but I wonder if they wish they had acted with a little more grace and hope. I have seen too many parents deal with a crisis like this by taking on a permanent state of sadness and rejection. They end up destroying the rest of the family and drive them all out of the home early. Teenagers can be amazingly volatile and foolish. They can scream they hate you and never want to see you again, disappear out of your life seemingly forever, and, one year later, be sitting at your kitchen table chatting like nothing ever happened. When they are thirty-five years old, married and with several kids, they will shake their heads in embarrassment at their foolish years. The question is, will you still be a part of their lives, or will you have responded with such anger and criticism that they chose to live without you? So what does it mean and how should you handle it when a seven- to twelve-year-old diverges into some form of sexual curiosity or activity? The age brackets I discuss are not rigid. You must understand the principle and adjust to the needs of your child. First, know that at this age it has the possibility of being serious. You must get all the facts first. If you immediately show great anger, they will likely clam up on you. Try to appear calm and objective as you ask questions. If it takes an hour to wear them down to telling all, then stay with it until you are confident you have gotten all the details. “Has this been going on for a long time? When and with whom did it start? What other expressions have you indulged in? Why do you do it? What has influenced you to do this—television, videos, computer, a peek at mommy and daddy, seeing someone else, viewing pornography in a magazine, contact with an adult?” Then ask them how they feel about what they were doing in secret. You want to discover how deeply they are violating their consciences. If you have not exposed your children to teaching against sexual promiscuousness, and have not taught them Bible stories that warn against such, then they may consider it not much more than stealing a cookie. If you determine this to be the case, it does not lessen the ramifications of the events, but it does modify the way you respond. Now is the time to show grief and sadness while you teach and instruct them against such practices. Commence a daily Bible study in which you teach the stories of God’s displeasure and judgment against sexual sins. Teach on sexual sins every day for about two weeks and then leave the subject and teach the greatness of God and his goodness and mercy and forgiveness. Teach the book of John or Mark, story by story all the way through. Teach the Psalms and especially Proverbs. As you come to the subject in Scripture, teach against sexual promiscuousness at least once a month. If, before the events, your children have been well-taught about the sinfulness of their deeds and they have indulged anyway, the problem is much more serious. They do not fear God and do not believe his Word. Ask yourself why and remedy that problem in the future. Willful sinners, of any age, who turn away from their consciences, are on the road to addiction and perdition. You need to bring the Biblical truth to bear in such a way that they fear to walk the dark path. In your teaching time, recount the horrors of hell and eternal suffering. Children who have violated their consciences will need to be soundly spanked after they have understood the awfulness of their sin. Their souls need the release that judgment brings. This will be one of those rare times when you give them more licks, distributed over a wider area so as not to bruise or damage the skin. They need to know this is an especially dark deed deserving of special judgment.

How should you respond when post puberty children engage in sexual conduct?

I know you understand this is a different matter altogether. Girls do not just grow into sexual interest and passion. They must be conditioned to it by some outside influence. But boys develop sexual passion by just going through puberty. No one need tell them anything. It is their destiny. Parents and the church must prepare boys for the transformation and temptation their hormones will bring. If a boy just follows his drives, he will become a predator and quickly develop into a deviant. Passion, fire, aggression, and violence are in the members of all fourteen-year-old boys. Only though self-restraint and discipline can a young man contain his passions and wait his turn to “possess his vessel in sanctification and honor”. I know of only two things that can constrain a young man—the morals and restraints of community, and the Word of God. All that we said concerning your response to a pre-puberty child is true here, but there is an important added element: you are now dealing with an adult—in various degrees, depending on age and maturity. The only restraint will be self-restraint. The kid must repent, change his mind about his actions and choose to suffer the pains of temptation in self-denial. Only by the power of the gospel in his life will this happen. Once the flower blooms there is no putting it back in the bud. The trick is to now keep it in the flower stage until it can be taken to a wedding.

How should we relate to children other than our own?

Once, a parent came to my wife shocked and upset. Her five-year-old son came to her telling how another boy, eight years old, had cornered him in an aggressive manner and demanded to see his “PP.” The five-year-old was afraid of the older boy but refused to expose himself. Good training! The mother acted as if she had just lost her innocence. “How could this happen among good Christian families?” Probably because they are sons of Adam, made of flesh. If you think otherwise you are naive at best. Now how should this mother and father relate to the family with the PP-peeking pervert? The short answer is, “Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple” (Romans 16:17–18). Look at the wording, “mark them.” Put a mark on them so you and everyone else can “avoid” them. As far as your children are concerned, the offender is as taboo as a rattlesnake. The offender will probably grow up to be normal, but know that he is part of the pool that will produce the small percentage of perverts that decorate the walls of post offices and occupy the cells of prisons. You should have compassion for the offender, and if you are in a position to minister to him, do so, but your first duty is to protect your children from rattlesnakes by never allowing them in the same yard together. That is not to say that you take your children and go home if the offender’s family ends up at the same gathering as yours, but it does mean that by all means you quietly and inoffensively take whatever steps are necessary to keep your children from ever spending five seconds alone in his presence. By alone I mean standing and talking within sight but out of hearing. We want to be balanced and compassionate. What if you are the parent of the offender? Would you want others to just throw your son away? Would you want the church and community to publicly mark him as a pervert? Of course not. Then do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You have two separate responsibilities. You must first assure the protection and sanctity of your son, and then you must do what you can to save the offender from his untoward behavior. Keep in mind that the offender will most likely grow up to be quite normal. It could have been just a moment of curiosity. We do not want to publicly destroy the young boy or girl and thereby force them into a life of isolation and anger. On the other hand, even if the event (and possibly several others like it) does not cause the boy to grow up to be a pervert or a predator, know that his possibly passing display of voyeurism or curious moment of exploration could have much more negative consequences on those whom he infects. He might grow up to be normal while he leaves behind weaker souls who grow up to hang out in the men’s rooms at interstate rest stops. We must be protectors first and healers second—but never persecutors.

Repeat offenders

If a nine-year-old is a repeat offender and has on more than one occasion tried to see the private members of another boy or girl, it is obvious that he has a chronic problem. Mark him to your children, by discussing the evil of his ways. Let your children see an attitude of disgust on the one hand and compassion and pity on the other. During your family worship time and in your bedtime prayers, pray for the offender’s lost soul. Never allow your children to play with or even talk to the child. It won’t do any good to change churches. Kids everywhere are offenders. Where you are now, at the very least, you have identified one offender. There are others in the same group—in any group, without exception. Deb spotted two post-puberty Amish girls in the creek feeling each other. When she confronted them they confessed that several of the girls carried on in such a manner in the two-stall privy at the one-room schoolhouse. When Deb had them confess to their parents, the parents were so uncomfortable discussing it that they dismissed her and buried the whole thing with silence. The girls appear to have grown up to be “normal,” except one.

Pretend it never happened

Many parents will pretend it never happened, or if it did happen it doesn’t mean anything. Once, in our own church service, a visiting girl who is homeschooled but attends a public church passed a note to one of our girls who has been known to offend. The note said...I can’t tell you what it said, but it had the strongest of lesbian content. The parents brushed it off with a smile and the remark, “Oh, you know, kids will be kids.” Yeah, and kids will be little Sodomites and fornicators as well. Remember, children died in Sodom and Gomorrah just like the adults. And when God sent Israel to possess wicked Canaan, he told them to kill every man, woman, and child. Yes, they could not adopt one of the beautiful little two-year-old girls, for the whole nation was conditioned to great immorality and infected with disease.

Judge and Jury

Do not become a persecutor of the offenders. Don’t act vindictively. Don’t despise the parents. Put yourself in their place. You could be there three years from now. Have compassion. Be sympathetic. By all means, protect your children, but don’t give your own kids cause to see you as hostile. You may generate sympathy for the offender and render yourself dislikeable in the eyes of your own kids.

Fourteen to eighteen-year-olds

There are two kinds of teenage offenses—consensual and predatory. Our response should reflect that difference. Predators should be reported to the law and incarcerated. It will be the end of their moral life, for they will be placed in a government institution with other perverts where they will prey on one another and learn all the foul arts of Sodom. It is sad, but under Mosaic law they would have been stoned to death. If you have teenagers that descend into the dark pit of sexual promiscuousness, it is too late to parent them into a course correction. When the member gets out of the pants it cannot be put back in except by the crucifying power of the Holy Spirit. (See my series, Sin No More.) Your job will be to manage them in a manner that minimizes the impact of their sin upon the rest of the family and upon others with whom they come in contact. If they are cooperative and repentant, thank God and show mercy and forgiveness. Offer support and try to normalize the relationship. If you become aware your child is involved in consensual sexual activity with a child about the same age, you must view both of them as equally guilty even though one of them may have been initially the experienced predator. There are too many variations for me to cover all the possibilities.

Extremes

My readers come in a variety of extremes. I know that it is impossible to communicate clearly with all of you. Some are so “compassionate” and afraid to offend that they will believe the best, cover sins with silence, and ignorantly act as if all is well, giving evil the cloak it needs to continue its insidious, undetected infestation. Other of my readers are “fearless defenders of the truth” who pride themselves in their stand for righteousness. They will recklessly condemn the guilty and mark in bright red the offenders, hounding them with condemnation until they are driven out of the company of “decent folks.” I would have to speak in the extreme, one way or the other, to reach the radical left and right on this or any issue. I am sad to confess that most of my readers will only remember those words that enforce their already preconditioned perspectives. The compassionate will avoid judgment and the judgmental will refuse to show compassion, as has been their manner all along.

Conflicted

I must confess that I am conflicted. Part of me would like to mark all the sinning children, separate our families, and shun the offenders altogether. But there is another part of me that wants to redeem the sinning children and weep with parents who must deal with these issues. One of the things that gives me hope is my many years of experience. God is merciful and longsuffering, and I have seen him forgive people I wouldn’t have buried with my dead dog. I have observed as God lifts a piece of trash from the ground and holds it to his heart. As I watch in awe, it turns into a lovely son or daughter of God. The useless is united with heaven itself, and he is not ashamed to call them brethren. I don’t want to get to heaven and find God hugging something I threw away. So, I say again, first protect your children, and then reach out in compassion to lost souls of any age. Secure the safety of your family and then become missionaries to an evil world. Just because the devil is clutching something, don’t fear to reach for it with a hand of mercy and a heart of grace. The blood of Jesus Christ covers a multitude of sin. (See my teaching from the book of Hebrews.) “And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6: 11).

Help Me Help You

There is so much I didn’t say and couldn’t cover in the space allowed. I am no expert on the subject. I am not a counselor on sexual matters. I would be glad to leave this subject to those more qualified, but there is a vacuum I have tried to fill. I welcome your input. It may well be that I am blind to some of the issues or have overlooked good solutions. As you share your perspectives I will learn from you and take that into consideration when addressing this subject in the future. For more information on how to talk to your kids about Biblical prohibitions against sexual sins, get Michael Pearl's audio message called Sex Education for Children, available at the NGJ Web Store.

Spank and Save a Child

Michael Pearl — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 11:00:31 +0000

You may have noticed No Greater Joy and Michael Pearl receiving a lot of negative press lately over advocating corporal discipline as part of a comprehensive child training program. Television reporters came out to the office. We were in newspapers from coast to coast. Even CBS, after running an uninformed criticism of us, offered to fly us to New York to answer their unfounded charges on The Morning Show. I was eager to answer, and readily agreed. Those of you on our email list were immediately informed and many of you prayed for the will of God to be done. CBS called for a pre-interview and then canceled the afternoon before the show. I think they discovered in the pre-interview that I was not the Bible-thumping caricature they had hoped. One news outlet reviewed our website and gave a very positive review, saying there was nothing in our material that would ever lead to child abuse. On the bright side, our sales skyrocketed this month. Even before this recent publicity, one out of every 75 Americans have been introduced to our ministry. It’s a battle I would not have fought so boldly twenty years ago when we still had small children at home. The potential for institutional retribution is too great—almost a certainty. But I am now too old to be intimidated, and the battle is much bigger than the spanking flap. They’re not just coming after me, but all parents who believe parenting is a God-given responsibility. The anti-spanking campaign is a front for an anti-family agenda, a progressive socialist movement to reengineer society with government the only mentor of children. A few well- placed individuals in government, media, and the educational system religiously promote a new world order where the collective state replaces God and the Constitution. They must control the minds of the citizenry if they are to institute their totalitarian policies; and they are well aware from history that mind control must begin with the youth—thus the public school system. But homeschool parents and Christian parents protect their children from corrupt worldviews. The socialists know that the last remaining bulwark against brainwashing children is parental headship—thus their hostility toward the family. As long as parents are free to pass on their culture and faith, totalitarian government is impossible. Their earlier promotion of organic evolution was an effective wedge against Biblical faith and the dignity of man, but it has taken them as far as it can, for it is losing credibility in the face of genetic discoveries and contrary evidence. The leading edge of the attack upon parental authority is now the anti-spanking movement. They will use any means to police the home and mandate parental conduct, but they know that to receive public support their home incursion must be seen as a necessary act of compassion. They paint themselves as concerned now for the children they would have aborted a few years earlier. Public schools are the propaganda wing of the socialist agenda. They rewrite history books and social studies, purging the texts of the part fundamental Christianity played in forming our constitutional republic. They are teaching America’s children to be ashamed of our past, to despise free enterprise and individualism, knowing that when the kids grow up they will be willing to adopt the more “moral” socialists’ agenda that puts the powers of God into the hands of the state. But along came homeschooling, growing larger every year, and with it a general awakening to the fact that the subtle changes occurring around us are not just encroaching liberalism, not just ideological evolution, but an orchestrated purge of truth and human dignity with totalitarianism as its end. In the progressive vision individuals are of no importance beyond their contribution to the perpetuation and health of the State. One judge presiding over a custody case said, “The children of homeschool families will not fit into the new world order.” He was dead right. The first countries to ban spanking were the most ardent communists and fascists. Leading the way were China, Russia, and North Korea, followed by some of the socialist countries of Europe. My critics don’t bother to read our material. They get their quotes—supposedly my statements—from web sites that got their quotes from other web sites that along the way sliced and diced my writings, changing words like “spank” to “beat” to create a caricature that any clear thinking person would find offensive. They build a straw man and then expect us to defend it. I am not whining. It goes with the territory. But why all the lies and hostility?

Why All the Lies?

There are many ordinary people in our country that do not identify themselves with the progressive/socialist faction, yet unknowingly are spokesmen for some of its important tenets. You see them duped into supporting the global warming crowd, the radical environmentalists, animal rights activists, the gay agenda, and any number of “social justice” movements. They may join the crusade against spanking, “hate speech”, cult indoctrination or any number of social issues that are none of their business. How do otherwise ordinary people get caught up supporting some part of a movement to re-engineer society? They have big compassionate hearts, and the social engineers have painted each of these issues as a moral struggle. Who doesn’t want social justice (in the classical sense,) and to “save the planet,” and save the children from cruelty? Many people need a crusade, and the media, especially television, offer them causes that make them feel they are part of the solution.

The Fringe

The uninformed who listens to the media would think that spanking is something done by the fringe, an angry and abusive minority. The media uses inflammatory rhetoric like “beat” instead of “spank” or “corporal punishment” instead of “physical discipline,” obscuring a line that is extremely clear to responsible parents. I read an anti-spanking article by a psychologist that said she did not believe in spanking, but she went on to confess that on occasion she got so angry with her children that she did scream at them. She told of receiving a ten minute lecture in a grocery store from another shopper rebuking her for angry, abusive language toward her children. She also confessed that on occasion her anger had caused her to slap her children in the face. She was ashamed of her behavior and was making a candid confession, but she went on to use her experience as an example of why parents should not adopt a policy of “hitting their children.” The occasional slips were bad enough; don’t institutionalize the practice, she said. My advice to this professionally trained mother is, “Don’t hit your children; don’t even think about spanking; you need to receive counsel from a hillbilly mother with a sixth grade education before you have any more children; you are out of control.” But her confession points to the reason a small minority associate all spanking with hitting and violence, and why they are categorically against it to the point of pushing for laws criminalizing parents who spank their kids. Indeed, knowing their own weakness and anger, they transfer that violent nature to all parents. When you add to the equation the movie and media characterization of stern, legalistic parents “beating the fear of God” into their kids, they have reason to stand against all spanking. The opponents of corporal discipline have never experienced the kind of peace and stability that allows a parent to spank in love for the good of the child. They know that when they strike their children, it is definitely abusive, and they project that motive to everyone. They see government as the savior of all children, standing between cruel parents and their helpless children. They would have us believe that untrained parents are incapable of knowing what is best for their children, while a few hours of liberal arts training and personal therapy transforms on-duty government employees into wise and loving mentors.

Hitting Children

No one advocates “hitting children,” but our angry opponents can’t seem to read. We say “switch;” they quote us saying “tree branch.” We say “spank;” they quote us as saying “beat.” They deliberately do not distinguish between the loving, compassionate, measured spankings we advocate and the out of control violence of parents reacting in anger and aggression toward helpless children. Parents who strike out in anger are most often anti-spanking proponents who reach the end of their tolerance curve. Not having spanking as part of their toolkit, they end up frustrated with their rebellious children and eventually explode in retribution. In contrast, parents who wisely employ spanking with their training soon have such happy and compliant kids that no one is ever provoked to anger. History will show that parents have not abandoned physical discipline because it proved to be ineffective, but because many parents have become ashamed of the way they apply it. That is why No Greater Joy teaches parents to patiently “train up a child in the way he should go.”

Opponents

Dr. Aletha Solter, founder of the Aware Parenting Institute, argues that corporal punishment teaches violence to children otherwise born innocent: “What happens in each home is at the root of world peace. If we’re going to be hitting children, they’re going to go around wanting to hit and hurt other people. If we raise them with gentle discipline, then we’re creating a gentle world.” Well, ten percent of the children never get hit. Are they examples of world peace and emotional stability? Opponents make the false assertion that children who are “hit” by their parents grow up to be violent, citing studies that support their claim. But if you look at the details of their studies, you will note that they gather their data from interviews with violent criminals or psychiatric patients. “You murdered six women; were you spanked when you were a child?” Since 90% of all U.S. parents spank or “hit” their kids, what do you think the results are going to show? That’s right; nine out of ten violent criminals were spanked when they were children. I have never seen a study that asked a group of well-adjusted professionals if they were physically disciplined as children and what part they thought it played in their success. What would our critics conclude by the fact that 90% of the successful, nonviolent professionals were spanked by their parents?

Research Supports Spanking

Many pediatricians believe that responsible spanking outperforms faddish disciplinary approaches. Marjorie Gunnoe, a developmental psychologist at Calvin College, did a study of 2,600 people, about a quarter of whom had never been physically chastised. She concluded that young children spanked by their parents may grow up to be happier and more successful than those who have never been spanked. According to the research, children spanked up to the age of 6 were likely as teenagers to perform better at school and were more likely to carry out volunteer work and to want to go to college than their peers who had never been physically disciplined. Child psychologists Diana Baumrind and Elizabeth Owens conducted a study. Owens is a research scientist at the Institute of Human Development at the University of California at Berkeley. As a mother of a three- and a five-year-old, Owens says, “As a parent I am morally opposed to spanking.” But as a scientist, she says, “A blanket injunction against spanking is not warranted by the data. If you look at the causally relevant evidence, it’s not scientifically defensible to say that spanking is always a horrible thing. I don’t think mild, occasional spankings in an otherwise supportive, loving family will do any long-term harm.”

Media Campaign

The media campaign against spanking is designed to win the perception war. If they can make parents think that they are out of the mainstream, part of an unpopular minority, they will come to doubt their natural parental instincts and shrink from their responsibilities to continue the tradition of nurturing the young through tested means, of which spanking is a part. The progressives will then be free, without dissent, to pass unconstitutional legislation making any form of physical discipline a crime punishable by imprisonment and loss of their children to the state.

Common Law Right

A Minnesota trial court has ruled that “laws against school paddling do not supersede the common-law right to spank a child.” The Supreme Court in Ingraham v. Wright, 1977, held that school corporal punishment of students does not violate the federal Constitution—does not amount to cruel and unusual punishment. The constitution of the United States recognizes the existence of common law rights and offers protection in the exercise thereof. These rights are said to be unalienable. That is, these rights, springing from God, being part of our nature, are inherent in our humanity and cannot be transferred to government, nor can government assume those powers that belong to the individual alone. It is no wonder that we should find it addressed in Holy Scripture, for before it was a Biblical precept it is found to be a natural right embedded in our human natures. A natural right is a moral duty. To breach a natural right against one’s neighbor is an act of violence and thuggery. For a government to breach that right in promotion of its own ends is tyranny. It is the duty of every man to promote the human rights of all men. Society was more stable and more moral before government intruded into our common law rights. When I was in school in the fifties violence against teachers was unheard of. Kids always obeyed the teachers or were paddled with the oak “board of education.” I cannot remember a moment when things got out of control in school. There were no drugs, no alcohol, no cursing, and no talking back to teachers.

Still Legal

Note that 22 states still practice “corporal punishment” in public schools. The anti-spanking campaign Center for Effective Discipline, extrapolating from sample statistics collected by federal authorities, estimates that the number of students spanked or paddled in 2006 in U.S. public schools was about 223,000. Contrary to the perception produced by the media, you do have a right to spank your children in all 50 states. In Tennessee, Child Protection Services says it is not abuse unless marks remain on the child 24 hours after the fact. You can read the laws for your state online. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services defines physical child abuse as “any non-accidental physical injury to the child, and can include striking, kicking, burning, or biting the child, or any action that results in a physical impairment of the child.” In my opinion, that is an acceptable legal definition of child abuse that does not infringe upon parental rights, but my personal definition of abuse would be broader, including mental, verbal, and physical abuse where the spanking is not severe but is not done in the proper spirit of love and good will. Yet I recognize that not all abuse rises to the level of requiring government intervention. When children are in genuine danger, under proper guidelines the government should step in and remedy the situation.

Mainstream

Opponents like to characterize those of us who advocate corporal chastisement as a minority, as fringe, less intelligent, behind the times, religious nuts. The opposite is true. Down through the ages in every culture, wise and compassionate men have promoted and practiced corporal training of their young. The practice is mainstream, traditional, grassroots, natural, and effective. Corporal discipline is a natural part of parental nurturing, of caring parents seeking the best for their children. Hence, it is not surprising to find it promoted by God himself, the creator of all children (Proverbs 13:24; 19:18; 22:15; 29:15, 17). But God also recognizes that parents can abuse their authority. Jesus warned, “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matthew 18:6). He continued by advising the offender of little children, “if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee.” Many polls have shown that 65 to 75 percent of all parents endorse the use of physical discipline. Even the progressive ABC News conducted a poll that concluded that 65 percent of parents approve of physical discipline while 31 percent disapprove. Additional studies reveal that of those who say they disapprove, two-thirds of them confess to hitting their children in anger. Only about ten percent of parents profess to not believe in physical discipline and to not have practiced it. So who is in the mainstream? The traditional parents who believe in and practice corporal discipline are the vast majority and have the support of tradition and history. We likewise have the support of the Constitution and the findings of the courts. We also have the blessings of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and the public schools who still practice it. Most of all, we have the support of God. The anti-spankers are the small minority who don’t trust their ability to act in a restrained and productive manner and do not believe you can either. Our children rise up and call us blessed; I will let their children tell us what they think of their parents.

The Exception Proves the Rule

Our opponents sit in front of their TV sets or computer screens waiting for months or years until some out of control parent beats his child to death in the name of corporal punishment. They then call for a ban on all spanking. They reason that if one parent can misuse the human right to physically train their children then all parents should be denied the traditional right. It is our contention that all authority is abused at some time or another by a minority, but that does not negate the need for that authority. Every day several people overdose on prescription drugs and die. Many children die from just aspirin alone. The label warns against abusing the drug, but some people are not motivated by reason, and they or their children die. Should all aspirin be banned because it is sometimes misused? Obviously not. Out of the five million people who are familiar with our teaching, our opponents may have finally found one family that severely abused their children. The anti-spanking lobbyists come alive like fire ants in a disturbed anthill. “It’s your teaching that led to this tragedy,” they scream. A tragedy is always tragic and sad, but why must someone else be to blame? Are men not independently capable of error or evil? If a man leaves an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and gets drunk, do you blame the twelve step program? If a man under psychiatric care commits a heinous crime, do we charge the psychiatrist? If a teen kills himself in an auto accident after taking drivers ed at school, do we stop the program? When an angry, abusive parent recognizes his need to reform and seeks help through our material, but lapses back into his predisposed habits, injuring his children yet again, is our material that teaches caution and moderation to blame? The bias and underlying agenda of the anti-spanking minority is obvious.

Marching On

We will not be deterred from our sensible course by social engineers who want to replace parents with a failed philosophy. We will go on doing what our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents have done for many generations: we will train our children with all the means we deem best to bring them up to be responsible, emotionally stable, productive individuals. Get used to it. We are here to stay. By the way, our happy children are multiplying at four times the national average. Your unruly and undisciplined children will soon need a job. Don’t worry; our properly spanked, highly motivated, well-educated kids will be hiring.

Child Training Marathon Revisited and Updated

Michael Pearl — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:00:38 +0000

It was a busy, trying time for them, preparing meals and hauling us around from town to town, with meetings every night and sometimes all day. They urged us to be diligent in observing their every act and response, sharing any insights that might be helpful in improving their child training techniques. If an occasion arose and we didn’t speak out, they brought it to our attention and asked how and what should be done. This family meant business. When we arrived, we assumed they must be having problems with their teenagers, since parents usually don’t panic until they have a teenager making their lives miserable, but that was not the case. By today’s Christian standards, they had a well ordered-home. Their oldest child, a boy of about seventeen, was a real joy to his parents. But as the children got younger, there was a definite deterioration in their attitude and self-control. I am not sure why this is sometimes the case. Often parents seem to tire of the rigors of teaching and discipline and begin to slack off with their younger ones. Or perhaps when the older children are turning out well, parents ease up on their vigilance, taking their success for granted. Family values often change as economic success interrupts family unity. And of course, when a marriage slowly erodes, the younger children will not be rooted in the same loving, secure environment as were the first ones. This family had applied the teaching of our book To Train Up a Child and seen great improvement. But their six-year-old boy occasionally went into a rage when things didn’t go his way. We observed that he was a very good psychologist. When angry, he would express his hurt feelings in a way that caused his parents to feel guilty, evoking just enough doubt and insecurity in them to blunt their decisiveness and lessen their application of discipline. Being cautious of his “touchy” emotional state, they resorted to pleading and reason, explaining how “they really did love him” and how he was “not a bad person.” I watched the boy commit an offense, throw a fit when corrected, and then end up lecturing his parents on how mistreated he was. “You don’t love me like the others. You think I am dumb. Why am I always the one to blame?” It all settled down with the parents apologizing and the kid stomping off to brood until the parents expressed proper contrition. Amazing! Brilliant—in a wicked sort of way. Now, I am well aware of the many things parents can do to cause children insecurity and hurt. But I will save that for another day. Here was a selfish, manipulative brat who had found his parents’ weakness and capitalized on it. Mom and Dad occasionally expressed just enough anger and resentment to cause them to doubt themselves. Sensing their lack of confidence, the boy found ways to further deepen their guilt. He knew just what to say to cause them pain. Did he have a legitimate basis for accusing his parents of being unworthy to be his head? In some cases, as is probably true with nearly all parents, yes. He capitalized on their sense of moral inadequacy. Granted, if they had maintained clear consciences his manipulations would have fallen flat. It was their humble sensitivity to their own failures that caused them to relinquish the moral authority of the family to this six-year-old tyrant. It reminds us of how the coming of the law increases sin (Rom. 7). Now, the obvious solution is to tell parents to instantly become wise and discerning. If all parents were ideal Christians with no shortcomings, no hang-ups, nothing to cause guilt, then they would always have the moral strength to withstand manipulation. Christian maturity is normal, but the fact is that in most cases it doesn’t come until the children are grown. Should parents wait until they are sufficiently mature and worthy before assuming command? If so, it may then be too late for the children. “So, if I am not the perfect parent am I going to abdicate the throne to my imperfect child?” If your child is smart enough to touch your weak spots and make you feel guilt, is he therefore more righteous, more wise? Remember, he is using his parents’ weaknesses to silence them and eliminate their interference so he can act in selfish and unruly ways. I will remind you that parenthood is not an appointed office; it is not by the consent of the child. Parents hold an office (parenthood) that carries with it certain obligations and authority, apart from their worthiness. For the sake of your children, you must act now. You must rise above feelings of inferiority or unworthiness. By “rise above,” I mean you must act for the child’s benefit, whether you feel up to the task or not. In our observation of this family, we detected that the mother was a very “sensitive” person. She was the first to feel the child’s “emotional pain.” She shied away from confrontation until provoked by frustration and anger. She never spoke with authority or conviction—tired frustration, yes, but not with dignity and authority. She ASKED the children to comply. She “patiently” coaxed and compassionately pleaded with them. When they ignored her “suggestions”, she would then become exasperated and reach an impasse where she felt overwhelmed and defeated. This mother was physically and emotionally abused as a child. Overcompensating, she was always fearful of not being sensitive and patient enough with her own children. She didn’t trust herself. She didn’t trust her husband—though she would say she did. She was fearful of him being like her father. Her six-year-old boy didn’t have any sense of being abused, and he was not broken in spirit as he often portrayed. But he was a smart little psychologist and knew just how to hurt his mother and short-circuit her interference with his indulgence. He was emotionally stronger than she was. What of the father? As is true of most families trapped in today’s industrialized lifestyle, he was away from home most of every day. Feeling out of touch, in most cases he naturally deferred to his wife’s judgment. He did have more control over the children, but the pattern was set and habits formed during the two-thirds of the day when the kids were under her tutelage. He, too, stood back with insecurity when he saw the “deep hurt” of his son. He felt guilty for not being there more of the time, for dumping the load on his wife. The parents had good hearts. They were just blinded by their own fear and sense of helplessness. One day we were sitting in the living room discussing an event that had just occurred when their over-sized dog attempted to interrupt. The father, hardly looking at the dog, commanded him to go downstairs. He didn’t raise his voice, and there was no anger. He spoke with firm authority, expecting the dog to obey without further word or attention. The dog took off downstairs like he had just heard from God. I suddenly realized that in this quiet-spoken home, I had never heard either parent speak with confident authority. What solution did we offer this couple? We told the mother particularly, “Get tough; you are thinking more of your own feelings than you are the needs of your children. Don’t let your past hurts come into the present to continue hurting your children. You are allowing your abusive father to abuse your children through your continuing reactions.” Right in the middle of several emotional confrontations with Knuckle Head, we guided the parents through responses to their children. “Quit asking,” we would say, “Tell him what to do, and put a little toughness in your voice.” Then we would tell her, “Don’t tell him again; respect your own word; get your switch and apply it right where he stubbornly sits; ignore his self-pity. Don’t assure him of your love; assure him of your authority. You are in the right; put your shoulders back and act like a commanding officer whose word is final. Do not negotiate or explain. Mother, take the whine out of your voice, and put some steel in your posture. Stay calm, but unmoving.” They tried it out like someone trying on uncomfortable clothes. The kid was amazed to discover that no one cared for his manipulating pity shows. One word from a parent was the last word—no repeat, no appeal, and no regret. It took three days, but when the child realized he had no recourse, he obeyed the first time and kept his mouth shut. By the end of the week, he was expressing more love and appreciation for his mother than ever before. He began to admire her rather than see her as a weakling he could control. It was a joy to see and share in their victory. Their youngest boy, age two or three, had a tough hide that at times absolutely resisted all control. He would whine, and whine, and cry, and plead, and demand. He was a tough nut to break, but it was a simple procedure that didn’t hurt anyone but the parents. Again, it was their lack of resolute authority that cultivated whining in this two-year-old. Since the parents were seldom decisive, the child had learned that begging and pleading often caused them to capitulate to his will. When they said “no,” he knew it was just the starting point in negotiations. After reading our book, on several occasions the parents had attempted to exert their authority and hold out against his demands, but this tough little campaigner had always endured. Late one night we were riding back from a seminar when the little fellow noticed that he was on the other end of the seat from his mother—with other siblings between them. He was riding in a restraining seat and whined to sit in his mother’s lap. The father SUGGESTED that it would be best if he stayed strapped into his restraining seat. The mother began to sympathetically explain why she couldn’t hold him. Based on past experiences, he knew that this was just the opening round. Their rejection of his proposal was only tentative. He was just testing the waters to see if they would yield. If by continual insistence he should demonstrate how very important this issue was to him, they would eventually come around to seeing it his way. As he pleaded further, asking for water, I could see that the mother was feeling guilty for not being close to “HER BABY”. Didn’t his tears demonstrate how important this was to his emotional well-being? After six or eight rounds, it finally reached the brokenhearted crying stage. Mother was reaching for her baby when the father turned to me and asked, “What should I do?” Again I explained the principle: by allowing the child to dictate terms through his whining and crying, you are confirming his habit of whining and consenting to his technique of control. So I told the daddy to tell the boy that he would not be allowed to sit in his mother’s lap, and that he was to stop crying. Of course, according to former protocol, he intensified his crying to express the sincerity of his desires. The mother was ready to come up with a compromise. “He was hungry. He was sleepy. He was cold.” Actually, he was a brat, molded and confirmed by parental responses. I told the father to stop the car and without recourse give him three to five licks with a switch. After doing so the child only screamed a louder protest. This is not the time to give in. After two or three minutes driving down the road listening to his background wails, I told the father to COMMAND the child to stop crying. He only cried more loudly. At my instruction, without further rebuke, the father again stopped the car, got out, and spanked the child. Still screaming (the child, not the rest of us), we continued for two minutes until the father again commanded the child to be quiet. Again, no response, so he again stopped the car and spanked the child. This was repeated for about twenty miles down a lonesome highway at 11:00 on a winter night. When the situation began to look like a stalemate, the mother suggested that the little fellow didn’t understand. I told the father to command the boy to stop crying immediately or he would again be spanked. The boy ignored him until Father took his foot off the gas, preparatory to stopping. In the midst of his crying, he understood the issues well enough to understand that the slowing of the car was a response to his crying. The family was relieved to have him stop and the father started to resume his drive. I said “No; you told him he was to stop crying immediately or you would spank him; he waited until you began stopping. He has not obeyed; he is just beginning to show confidence in your resolve. Spank him again and tell him that you will continue to stop and continue to spank until you get instant compliance.” He did. The boy was smart. He may not have feared Mama. His respect for Daddy was growing, but that big hairy fellow in the front seat seemed to be more stubborn than he was, and with no guilt at all. This time, after the spanking, when Daddy gave his command, the boy dried it up like a paper towel. The parents had won, and the boy was the beneficiary. Now you may wonder why I did not tell the father to tell the boy that he was going to spank him until he stopped crying, and not resume driving until he had stopped. Never put yourself in the place where you may lose the contest. What if the boy didn’t stop? Would you spank him forever, or would you stop when it bordered on abuse, in which case the child would win? Your word would fall to the ground; you gave in before he did. You would have actually hardened his resolve to rebel. Furthermore, when a child is being spanked and shortly thereafter, he may be too emotionally wrought to make responsible decisions. Our concern is not just to silence the child, but to gain voluntary submission of his will through respect for our command. Father tells the boy to stop crying or he will stop the vehicle and spank. Father stops, spanks; the child cries, and the father resumes the drive. He waits three to five minutes, ignores the crying and continues to talk as if all is well. Five minutes later, the father again commands the child to stop crying. By this time there is no lingering pain and he has had time to quiet his emotions and reflect on the parental mandate: “Stop crying or get a spanking.” Again the father commands the child to stop crying or he will receive a spanking. The child continues crying only because he assumes that the status quo continues. That is, he is not at all convinced that the father means what he says. Judging from past experiences, he is sure that he will win this contest eventually. By breaking it up into several sessions, the father is reprogramming the child—Father commands with a threat; child disobeys; Father carries out threat; child loses and suffers the consequences; it is an unpleasant experience; repeat all of above five to ten times. The child concludes: There is a new order; Father is consistent; he always means what he says; I cannot win; there is no alternative to instant obedience. Get smart, be a survivor, just say no to self-will. The beauty of this kind of contest is that, when the parents conquer, it applies across the board. The child is not just yielding to the circumstances; he is yielding to his parents. The rebel in him is dying. This submission will translate into every aspect of their relationship. The child has learned that the parents have more resolve than he does. They are not liars. When they say stop or else, they mean it. There is no way to bend the parents; their word is final. The next day we were sitting in the living room when the mother gave the little fellow a command. Out of habit, he commenced his whine, which turned to a cry. Mother looked discouraged and turned to me asking, “What should I do now?” I said, “Tell him to dry it up instantly and to start smiling.” When she commanded him, he immediately stopped crying and gave a faked smile that quickly turned to a sincere one in reflection to the delight on his mother’s face. I never will forget. She started laughing with absolute abandonment. She was overjoyed. “He has never obeyed me like that,” she said. For the few days that remained, he obeyed her instantly and the household was a very peaceful place. The battle was won. Whether or not the victory continues depends on how consistent the parents are, but the hard part is over. As long as the parents don’t revert to their old responses, the child won’t revert to his. There are those of you who will think that the twenty miles of spanking was cruel. Remember, this was not a daily event; it was a war to end all wars. The spankings were not wild, violent affairs. They were not greatly painful—to the child, that is. They were done in quiet calm and dignity. It is not the severity of the spanking but the certainty of it that gives it persuasive power. Our object in spanking is not to cause the child to so fear the pain that he obeys. It is to gain the child’s attention and give him respect for the parent’s word. I know that there are abusive, angry parents out there who, through their own inconsistency, find themselves in a position where they excessively spank every day. Spanking should just be the early part of a training program. It is our consistency that trains. The rod just gives credibility to our word. If your word is not credible, no amount of the rod will ever be effective. You will become abusive. If you feel abusive, you probably are. Get counsel and advice from a close friend who has a Biblical perspective on child training. In reflecting on our one-week stay with this fine family, I am amazed at their humility and grace. Giving us full license in the home must have been like the Judgment Seat of Christ. Well, not quite, but about as close as can be experienced down here in the flesh. One word of warning: Don’t invite us to come stay with you for a week; this old man has had all the crying and whining he can stand for the rest of his life. We just sit back and watch our children train our 16 grandkids. “Honey, I’ll put some wood on the fire and you put the tea on. We’ll have another quiet evening writing.”

Serious Smile

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 11:40:03 +0000

Life is very serious, and so it must be handled with a very serious smile. And it’s best to bring it with you, for quite often circumstances will not provide you with provocation. I am not telling you to “look within.” Sometimes the only smile you can find there is that of a court jester or a cynic. Nor am I suggesting that you somehow transcend reality with some blind spiritual ecstasy. That is an escape reserved for concentration camps and extreme suffering. The creative mind finds it difficult to smile in the midst of drudgery. The difference between a smile and a gripe is not the circumstance, but the point of view. To the rancher it’s a useless place to raise cattle; to the oil man it’s a treasure trove. To the tired mother, repeating the same chores day after day, struggling to keep peace with the children, aware of her fading youth and her failure to have achieved the self-expression she expected, wishing for romance that died too quickly, today is just another burden to be borne; whereas to the mother with a vision for eternity, today is an opportunity to be God’s nanny, teaching His kids to honor Him. She doesn’t carry the burden of personal ambition. Borrowed worries can leave us pulling God’s load, probably in a direction He would never take it. My Daddy used to say that he found life difficult until he resigned as chairman of the universe. The common laborer smiles while his boss pulls his hair out. If you’re not running the company, but assuming the responsibility anyway, you may never find rest. The song says, “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.” If you look at the quality of your trust, your smile may vanish, but if you look to the success of Him whom you trust, there will always be more than enough motivation to smile.

Dogs Cats and Kids

Michael Pearl — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:00:27 +0000

I just got through feeding the dogs and cats. They are nearly as stupid as humans, controlled by their impulses and prejudices. I scatter dry dog food along the driveway so the two cats and two dogs can eat without being too close to each other. But the two dogs think it is their life’s calling to starve cats to death. One dog, whom I call “Useless,” is the worst cat hater. He will prevent the cats from eating, to his own detriment. I can put a quart of dog food on the driveway and throw a handful under the car where the cats can get to it, and Useless will run around the car, here and there lying on his side, pushing his head up under the car with his tongue stretched to the limit, and scraping up gravel and crushed leaves, all with one purpose: trying to deprive the cat of a single pellet of dog food. Meanwhile, the other dog will be gobbling up all the readily available food assigned to both of them. By the time the cat has eaten and the dog has rescued three or four morsels of food, the other dog will have finished off the first dog’s portion, leaving Stupid Useless with nothing to eat. But, at least the cat knew who was boss! Now, I have seen kids act the same way, and it makes no sense at all. A child has a room full of toys, and another child comes over to visit. When the visitor picks up a single toy that has not felt the hands of its owner in six months, suddenly it is the very toy Snotty wants to play with. It is disheartening to see your child with no more sense than a useless mutt saved from the dog pound’s gas chamber—unthankful, selfish, self-centered, pouty, and downright mean-spirited. Need I point out that all children are descendents of fallen Adam, born into the world without God, possessed of selfish drives that will most certainly result in sinful attitudes and actions? You can demand that Snotty share, and you can quote Bible verses to let your guests know that you are a spiritual person. But, it would be more believable if you just look embarrassed and explained that you have not read the latest issue of No Greater Joy Magazine, nor watched the DVD, Joy of Training. Regardless, it is simply too late. Your kid has humiliated you. The only way I know to cure old Useless is to borrow a really big, sassy, tomcat with an attitude and one-inch claws and feed him sardines right out in the open. It is not that I care for cats; it’s just that I detest having such a selfish dog. I would like to see him get his comeuppance. Very likely, I can’t help you with your dog, but I do have some ideas that will work on your selfish child. You could keep a cache of new toys handy, so that when Snotty does his next ‘dog-hates-cat’ routine, you can get out one of the new toys and give it to the visiting guest. That will take the kink out of his selfish little head. The life principle that will always work for you is one I have stated many times. Never forget it. “Make all negative behavior counterproductive, and reward all positive behavior.” Kids do have complete control of their attitudes, just as you do. The other day, Shalom was trying to take some pictures of Gracie that were to be used in this magazine. She was to share the frame with our other dog, we call “Dog.” Dog takes every opportunity to lick human flesh. Gracie did not like posing with the dog—didn’t want Dog touching her. She had a Cover Girl pout. Every picture looked like the “before-reading-To Train-Up-a-Child” shot. That, of course, wouldn’t do in our magazine, so Shalom said, “Gracie, if you will smile and make a good picture, I will give you a piece of chocolate.” Wow, what transformation! She turned into Miss ‘I-love-to-be-licked-by-the-sandpaper-tongue-of-a-dog-that-has-been-eating-cats’ congeniality. Her smiles and affections to Dog were awesome. She is a born actress. Where did old Grumpy Gracie go? She had control of her attitude when she had a selfish reason to do so. Now, when I say “reward all positive behavior,” Gracie’s situation is not exactly what I had in mind. And when I say, “Make all negative behavior counterproductive,” I don’t necessarily mean spanking. Most negative behavior in a child is not rebellion; it is immaturity, lack of self-control, or emotional struggles. If a parent is perceptive and has a sense of creativity, he can adapt the child’s environment to make negative behavior unpleasant. For example, if you want your child to stop sucking a pacifier, don’t spank, rebuke, or nag the child; just cut about one-eighth of an inch from the tip of the nipple every two or three days. In about two weeks, there won’t be enough left to give any pleasure. It will keep popping out of the little sucker’s mouth. He will be confused about what is happening. He will start wondering why he ever thought that silly thing would give him any comfort. A couple more discrete snips, and he will have to hold it to his face and stick his tongue out to taste it. No pleasure—no need. “Chuck it, little one, and show your smile to the world.” That is what I mean when I say make negative behavior counterproductive. Now, back to our story of Snotty the toy-hoarder. I suggested making his behavior counterproductive by giving a new toy to every young guest that he rebuffs. If, at the beginning of each month, you buy two or three toys to put in your “cache” and explain to him that at the end of the month if you haven’t given them away, he can have them, then he will know that any selfish, “No, it’s mine!” that comes out of his mouth is going to result in the toys leaving the house, he will begin to share with abandoned joy. If you don’t like the reward approach, the next time a visitor is rebuffed by him, move him and his toys into a room by himself, and let him play alone. Take note: he does not really care for the toy, nor does he want to play with it; like Useless, he just wants to assert himself and maintain control, even to his own hurt. When the child he wants to control gets to stay with the more interesting adults and he is shut out, he will welcome the other kid into his room and share what he has. He may hold out changing his attitude until he is sure that you are serious. But with your consistent “treatment” of his problem, in time, he will become convinced that his negative behavior is unproductive. I am thinking about making a vest for my cat, one that has a battery and a transformer that emits electrical impulses through little antennas that stick out everywhere. When Useless touches the cat, he will experience negative sensations in and about his flee-bitten body. Yeah, that might work. Just make sure you don’t get your dog training and child training techniques mixed up.

Baby Potty Training

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 11:05:48 +0000

Well, now, for all you mothers out there who read my last article on potty training (Sept–Oct 2007) and said to yourself, “The only reason she could potty train her first child is because all she had was one, and so had lots of time,” I have completely discredited your presumptions. For now I have my second little girl potty trained, and that while working for NGJ, teaching and training Gracie, gardening, doing yard work, keeping house, cooking, and entertaining my husband who is around most of the time. Lots of mothers have said to me, “Well, I just do not have the time, and after all, it is not that the baby is trained; it is the mother who is trained to remember to take them.” So? Are you then saying that your baby can be trained, but you can’t? Maybe you are more trained than you think. Do you still ask your three-year-old, “Honey do you need to go potty?” I do. So does that make her not potty trained? I don’t think so. A mother spends more time with her baby during the first few weeks than at any other time. I hear many mothers say, “All I do is nurse and change diapers and nurse again.” Then, why not use that same time to begin training your child for when she is two? Gracie was potty trained from a newborn to poop on the pot, and now my second little girl is ten months, but she has also been potty trained to poop on the pot since she was born. She still wears diapers to catch her little tinkle, tinkles. She is not perfect, but I never get that greenish brown stink on my hands in the grocery store. I won’t have a two-year-old walking around dragging a loaded diaper. You can do it. First, you must let go of everything you have been led to believe about potty training. Stop using all the standard excuses: “Well, I just don’t have time. It is too hard. I don’t know what to do. How can a baby understand?” Secondly, choose a word or expression that means, “Go potty!” It does not matter what word you use, but it is important to have one discernible word you always use for “Go potty.” Even when we are out where I cannot easily or quickly take her to go potty, and I get the signals that she is near to relieving herself, I still use the word, giving her permission to “go.” In so doing, I am reinforcing the fact that Mom is in charge and knows that she is going potty in her diaper. Step three: You never know when your new baby is going to go potty at this age, because they are not very consistent. So, what you do is, every time they do go in their diaper, instead of going to the changing table and pretending all is well and normal for a child to poop on themselves, go to the bathroom and put them on the toilet. Sure, it is too late, but right now you are trying to familiarize them with the act. Use your chosen potty word; always use the same word. If you are out somewhere and you notice that they are going potty, do not just sit there and laugh at them, “Oh, isn’t she so cute? Look how her face is all scrunched up and all red.” Come on, parents; it is not normal. If it is, then why don’t you start walking around in a diaper? Just say your “potty” word to them, and if you know they are going, run them to the bathroom if you are home. For the first month or two, I always have a half-dirty diaper and a half-dirty potty. By the time your baby boy is three months old, his back is beginning to get a little stronger so he can hold himself up better as you hold him on the potty. If you have been faithful in putting him on the potty every chance you get, then by now you can put him on the potty and say your word, and he will most likely go for you. At about three months old, Laila was beginning to control (hold) her bowel movement until I put her on the potty. And, even if she did not need to go, if I put her on and told her to, she would try to go and did on most occasions. Of course, there were always those times when there would be an accident, but that is OK. You are trying to set a norm so that when they are one year old, it will be easy to just go right from diapers to panties. When Laila was just about six months old, my husband and I took a trip to visit my sister. The first day we arrived, I was bragging to them that Laila was potty trained. I explained that she arched her back to tell me when she needed to go. And, you guessed it, as I was telling them, we all began to smell a nasty odor. With just a little investigation, I found that I had bragged too soon. It did give us all a laugh, and then I hurried to put her on the potty to finish her job. So, as a side note, don’t be too quick about bragging, because the moment you do, your baby will throw you for a loop. One of the best things about baby potty training is that you are training your baby to learn self-control. To have a five-month-old wait to be put on the potty and then obey Mama’s voice when you say that special word to him and see him go potty for you, then you are not only beginning to train your baby in self-control, but obedience — almost from the womb. How cool is that?! I love to take Laila to the potty and know that if I tell her to go potty, she will cheerfully sit there and go. You are also teaching your baby self-respect. Laila knows the difference between having a dirty diaper and having a clean one. She will put up quite a fuss if I get too busy and forget to take her to the potty, until she cannot hold it any longer. She likes to be clean, and I like her to be clean — who wouldn’t? What about peeing in their diaper? It would be very hard to catch a baby peeing in their diaper, especially boys, because it seems that they are always tinkling. What I want most of all is to have my baby trained to go potty, and upon command. Start right now teaching the good habits. It is not productive to allow your children to establish habits that you plan on training out of them when they are older and understand better. Start teaching them now when they are young, so you do not have to retrain later. I say, train now while the training can be fun, and that way you will not have to go to war with your children over a habit that you “taught” them in the first place. Do this in every aspect of your life, and you will not only have obedient children, you just might be a happy camper yourself. If you have a story or some suggestions about potty training a baby or a toddler, please write it down and send it to NGJ. I am going to put together a book of potty-training ideas that will be helpful for all of us. Thanks, Shalom

Wolf in Grandma’s Clothing

Debi Pearl — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:00:21 +0000

We receive letters like this so often it looks like a plague.

“My daughter and son-in-law have a 5-year-old they wish to homeschool. My daughter has let the in-laws know this. They have told my daughter that they will do all in their power the stop the Homeschooling. The mother-in-law has expressed bitterness, strife, and even violence. It’s a family business they share and live close to the in-laws. What advice do you have for me?”

Debi Pearl Answers:

We have heard from several families whose children were removed from the home by the authorities because the grandparents filed complaint. I know two families where the mother or father ended up in jail for months, while the children were placed in the custody of the grandparents, only to have the cased dropped after many thousands of dollars and months of turmoil. Parents should put the welfare of their children first. Never compromise your convictions. As for the other grandparents, you should not encourage fear or rebellion but encourage your daughter to trust her husband's judgement. I would advise “a soft answer,” wisdom, printed information on homeschooling, and much prayer. Also, if the dad says “move,” quickly and quietly pack your bags. There are good jobs waiting, rental houses at a fair price and used furniture at the Goodwill, but only one set of children that are yours. - Debi Pearl

Potty Time

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 11:00:57 +0000

Every time we put a diaper on a newborn baby and allow him to soil it, we are conditioning him to accept that as normal. We impart a habit. Babies who are breast-fed will rarely want, and in most cases won’t even like, a bottle. Training for life (and habits) starts at birth, in every way and aspect of life. I have never been comfortable where there is conflict, so I knew that I had to train my Gracie from the start. I decided what habits I wanted to impart and commenced laying the foundations for those habits. One of the first important foundations was potty training. When she was only one week old, every time I went I put her in front of me on the potty. Even though she did not know at that time what it meant, I was making her comfortable with the idea of sitting over that gaping hole with water in it. I carefully observed her in respect to her eating and drinking and watched for the signs that she was becoming uncomfortable in her bladder or bowls, and made sure I took her at those special times. I even took her at night. I can honestly say that I can count on my fingers how many times I have had to change a stinky diaper. Yes, you guessed right. It is more the parent being trained than the baby. You just have to be consistent in “your” training. When she did have an accident, I did not treat it as a discipline problem; it was okay. All I was trying to do in training her at a young age was to start the habit early. By the time she learned to walk and talk, she had already been trained to go on the potty, so she started to ask and go on her own. It made my life and her’s so much easier. I never used a potty chair, because I wanted her to learn to use the big potty with no fear. I always just held her on the potty until she was old enough to climb up on a stool and go by herself. When we go to public bathrooms, I just hold her over the potty. She knows that I am going to do this because this potty is dirty, so she never fights me. There will be times that you will not have a potty chair, and your baby will not go without it, because that is the way she has been trained. I have seen mothers who must carry a potty chair with them everywhere they go, or their baby will not go for them. I did not want to be burdened like that. Starting a habit is so much easier than breaking one. As adults, we have the will power and the understanding to change a habit. Yet, even if we find it difficult to go against a habit and are always tempted to fall back to the former ways. Think how hard it would be for a two-year-old to break a lifelong habit. It was okay for two years to soil a daily diaper or two or three, and suddenly their parents are looking down at them and saying, “Stop going in your diaper; I want you to teeter over this great big hole that if you are not careful you might fall into and get flushed down.” I can easily see why an untrained child would be afraid and fight against it. Today Gracie is two-and-a-half years old, and every moment with her is a joy. What I do with her today will make a better tomorrow. I am still building new foundations for her every day, things that won’t become issues for many years, but I want her to be ready for future challenges. It gives me great joy to watch her grow into the woman I know God wants her to be. Happy wife and mother, Shalom Brand