No Greater Joy Ministries » Low Self-Esteem

A Dog’s Day

Tremaine Ware — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 11:10:21 +0000

Dear Pearls, We had a training session for a silly son not long ago, which I thought you might enjoy hearing. One day while at the dinner table, the children and I were talking and carrying on, when my daughter says to me, “Bubba ate dog food today”. My face must have reflected confusion because I surely couldn’t believe I had heard her correctly. “What?” So she says again, “Bubba ate dog food today.” At this, all the kids started giggling. I turned to my eight-year-old son and asked him, “Did you eat dog food?” Giggling, he answered, “Yes.” Then my daughter who is three years old spoke up and said, “I did too.” So I asked her, “Why did you do that?” She answered, “Because Bubba did.” Then I asked my son why he ate dog food, and he said, “I just wanted to see what it tasted like.” When I began to tell him about how he as the older brother needed to be more mindful of what he’s doing because it will/can influence his younger brothers and sisters, he just laughed and thought it was funny. He took my admonition very lightly, pretty much ignoring what I was saying. He then proceeded to say how he wanted to eat more dog food. Where had my wise son gone? I set out to find him again. So I set him up for a fall. “You do?” I asked, “Don’t you think that’s pretty silly, seeing that your mother fixes us good food, and here you are wanting to eat dog food?” While I was talking, he got up from the table, still giggling, then went over and got a handful of dog food and commenced eating it. I have to admit, at this point, I was genuinely disgusted, both at his silliness and at the thought of him eating dog food. My face must have reflected my feelings, because he just laughed and said in a challenging way, “Whaaat?” As if it was no big deal, and like he seriously enjoyed eating the dog food. This was getting gross, besides the fact that my sober son was acting like a goofy nincompoop. I stopped right there with dinner and told him that since he thought it was so funny to eat dog food and since he seemed to enjoy it so much, he had to give the dog his food and he could not have anything else for dinner or breakfast but dog food. We had a fine dinner. My wife can out-cook any woman alive. He is a growing boy with a BIG appetite. Oh, he tried to play it off, but the gravity of the consequence for his foolishness began to set in after about two minutes of wallowing the dry, gritty stuff around in his mouth, until he had to spit it out. His countenance changed, his giggling stopped and his foolishness was over. He had repented. He was hungry, but our deal was binding. He stayed hungry until the next day. I got my sober son back. – An Alert Dad Tremaine Responds Simple occasions like this can become defining moments…establishing what a boy is becoming. Each foolish happening must be considered and brought under control either by constrained consequences or by the rod. I’m sure there isn’t a child out there who hasn’t done something equally as foolish at least once. Most parents are not weeding out foolishness like this wise dad, but are allowing it to continue, thinking it must just be just a passing stage. Discounting all the early signs, parents are shocked and surprised when their children grow up to be teenage fools. The Bible says, “…a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15). It is truly embarrassing to see your children acting like fools. Proverbs 17:21 He that begetteth a fool doeth it to his sorrow: and the father of a fool hath no joy. Proverbs 17:25 A foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness to her that bare him. Proverbs 19:13 A foolish son is the calamity of his father… Proverbs 10:1…a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother. God instructed us to teach our children sobriety. There is a difference between childishness and foolishness. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:1, “When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child.” Childishness is immaturity, but it should not include “acting” the silly fool. Don’t pass over foolishness as a child-like behavior. So then, where does foolishness come from? The Bible says in Proverbs 22:15, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” Foolishness is pure silliness (in word or actions). Fools are born, but a wise, sober son is carefully cultivated. What can a parent do? At the first foolish word or deed, bring it to their attention; tell them how silly it is, and express your displeasure in proportion to the act and situation. Arrange a consequence for every foolish thing they do, while exhorting them to be sober minded (to think soberly). Show them with your own life how we should live soberly. Hold each child accountable according to their level of maturity. “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul” (Pr 29:17). If your son is already foolish, how do you fix the problem? The Bible clearly tells us what action(s) we must take if we are going to produce wise and sober children. • Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. • Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom … • Proverbs 20:30 The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly . • Proverbs 19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. • Proverbs 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. (14) Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. As parents whose intent is to bring our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, out of love we won’t spare the rod, but we do understand that “no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby” (Hebrews 12:11). Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

Sissy Sensitive Son

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 12:10:01 +0000

"I have a ten-year-old son who is more sensitive than most other boys. He is easily offended and does not play well with boys his own age. He is afraid to try new things. I think he is afraid of failing. Just yesterday, a friend of mine told me that I protect my son too much. We talked about it, and she said more. She said he was weak and needed to be tougher. I asked her why she waited so long to tell me this, and she said she was afraid of offending me. I probably would have been offended if it had been anybody else saying what she did to me, but I guess I suspected it before she said it. Nevertheless, it hurt. She suggested I write to you. Is there anything I can do to fix this and make my son tougher?” Michael Answers: I love the question! You are not alone in your need. And I am not afraid of offending you; it’s my job. How else can I get your attention? Let’s call it by its “insensitive” name. Your son is a sissy, and you want to know how to make a man out of him. Right? I will address the issue of how to make your son tough, but I must first give balance by cautioning us all (readers in similar situations) against over-reaction. You have undoubtedly observed that children come into the world as varied in personal traits (personality, temperament, gifts, intellect, emotional perspective) as they are in physical characteristics. You may like men who are warriors, and you may be happily married to one, and have been anticipating giving your husband a warrior son, but instead, it may be that you gave birth to a poet and musician. What can be even more confusing to a parent is that, when your first two sons were born lion cubs, you then gave birth to a third son who is a lamb. If you raise the lamb identical to your first two sons, he will never be a lion like Esau. He will be a lamb as was Jacob, the father of the Israelites. Like Jacob, your son may prefer cooking wild game to tromping around in the hills trying to shoot it with a homemade bow and arrow. Read the marvelous story of these two brothers—twins—so very different from birth to maturity. Surprisingly, God chose the “sissy.” He often does things backwards from the way we think He should. His son, Jesus, taught that “The first shall be last, the last shall be first…the stone which the builders rejected is become the head of the corner,” that sort of thing. It would be damaging to a child for us to promote our expectations in contradiction to the child’s natural propensities. You must work with what God sends you and not try to recast his soul. There is little that is more damaging to a child’s emotional and spiritual development than to be raised under a parental cloud of dissatisfaction with regard to his intrinsic qualities. When a kid senses that his parents are not satisfied with who he is, something over which he has no control, he will never be satisfied with himself or anyone else. He will be unhappy and angry, and in time, he will hate himself and those who rejected him. There are a thousand unpleasant directions that this so-called “self-loathing” can take a person. On a side note: no one really loathes himself, for if he did, he would be of all men most happy, seeing his greatest desires come true every day—the hurting of his “self”. “Self-disappointment” is a more accurate way of describing the poor self-image syndrome. Self-disappointment is not born, it is taught in early life, or it is a condition acquired later in life after a period of self-criticism. When unwise parents express disappointment in a child’s natural make-up, they are in effect trying to change the nature God gave the child. Children are readily convinced that a parent’s view is the correct view. “If Daddy says I am a sissy and not worth a dog’s hind leg, it must be true.” That child will labor in vain to be worthy, to somehow change himself into what is pleasing to someone else. But, sadly, he chases a changing standard. You, Father and Mother, are at risk of being the ever-changing and dissatisfied standard, predestinating your child to failure and self-disappointment. So, I warn you to avoid the extreme of rejecting the unique characteristics of the child’s nature. That said and understood, I nevertheless must also affirm that I want all my children to be tough, even the delicate ones, and, yes, the girls, too. I also have a personal penchant that all my children should be rugged, gritty, a bit on the wild side, but that is just a cultural preference that has nothing to do with character or the will of God. But an enduring, overcoming spirit cannot be a preference; it is the bare minimum to survive human existence in this wicked age and still smile with sincerity. Let’s review some of the points in the letter and discuss this mother’s concerns. She says her son is “more sensitive than most boys.” The Holy Spirit is sensitive. If this is an inherited trait, then allow him to become the conscience of a society that has become unfeeling. Provide opportunity for him to become a man of compassion and healing. But if by “sensitive” you mean he is selfish and touchy about his own feelings, then call it sin, not sensitivity. She says, “He is easily offended and does not play well with other boys.” She didn’t say in her letter, but it stands to reason that he has older sisters who are pouty and sulky. My guess would be that Mother is “sensitive” in much the same way. This boy is emulating his emotional environment. One week with the men, and he would no longer be easily offended. Men would not even notice him taking offense, and wouldn’t care if he did. “Buck up, kid, and do your work.” “What? He hurt your feelings? Who cares about your feelings? If you don’t like it, tell him to bug off.” Mother says, “What’s wrong, son?” The men say, “Get up and get back to work.” She says, “He does not play well with boys his own age.” Then let him play not so well. If they make fun of him or run over him, rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is the reward of toughness. If he comes to you whining, act amazed and then indifferent. Don’t help him cope. Throw him back into the lion’s den. He needs to learn some survival skills, not retreat skills. If you customarily allow him a path of escape, you make him weak. I would make sure that he gets an extra dose of other kids his age—like it or not―until he likes it. She says, “He is afraid to try new things.” Then fill his calendar with new things, and throw away all the old. Quit viewing him as incapable, and put him to the challenge. We are all afraid of the new and unknown until we have braved the dark door many times and find excitement and growth on the other side; and then, we willingly look for the door to the unknown. Grass grows by being cut. If you don’t cut it, it will reach a certain height, and then stop growing. Finally, it will fall over and droop, permanently. She says, “I think he is afraid of failing.” Me, too. I hate failing. But through failing, I have learned that it is a necessary evil on the road to success. There is no other way to lose one’s fear of failure except by being devoured a few times, only to discover that you were never once digested. She says, “Just yesterday a friend of mine told me that I protect my son too much.” Oh, what beautiful friends! Who needs expensive counselors when you have friends who are willing to be honest with you? Could it be that your friend has seen the very things that I have already mined out of your own words? She said, “I asked her why she waited so long to tell me this, and she said she was afraid of offending me.” Gotcha! Could it be that the mother whose son is easily offended is also a mother who is easily offended? Cause and effect? So, what would be the cure for the boy? I am not going to tell you. Guess. Mother asked, “Is there anything I can do to make my son tougher?” My hands are tough from using them, but it started with painful blisters. Mother, you and the daughters that you never told me you had are going to have to stop whining, retreating, and blaming, and get tough right along with your ten-year-old son. Ask your honest and wise friend who risked wounding your sensitive spirit to tell you the truth. She will tell you what to do, point by point. Listen without arguing and making excuses. Though you have said nothing about him, I know your husband’s feelings. He doesn’t like your son. He thinks he is a child belonging to mother and the girls, doesn’t he? That will never change unless you can toughen your son up. You toughen him up by not letting him ride double. Stop carrying him, protecting him, soothing him, and being so sympathetic. Now, you might rightly say, “Why don’t the men toughen him up as you said, instead of ignoring him as a sissy?” The men in his life are not wise or patient. They have left the raising to the ladies. It boils down to this: you can wait on the men, something that will probably never happen, or you can do it yourself, until you create a son that a man will be proud of. Get tough, Mother, and push your son away from your breast. Stop supporting his weakness. Ha! Listen to you. I can already hear you pulling away from my advice. You can’t bear to push your precious son out of the nest, because he needs you to defend him. No, you need him. You just don’t like what he has become on your watch. Make up your mind. Do you want a baby or a man? Bermuda Grass tough We need more men—tough men. Now what do I mean by “tough”? I don’t mean rugged. I don’t mean rough or hard. I don’t even mean bold or aggressive in personality, ready to match words and win an argument. Neither am I saying that all children must be schooled to be leaders, to take charge on important issues. A stone is tough, but so is Bermuda grass—that soft, thick, hardy grass planted on golf courses. It yields to the hard-driven golf balls, yet it survives the skidding wheels of golf carts and the pounding of ten thousand cleated feet. In dry weather, it does not die, but lies quietly waiting for the rains that will bring it back to its glory. The root bed is thick and intertwined. Trying to kill out Bermuda grass is like trying to splash away the ocean. You do not want to get this exotic grass in your garden. It is tough, and knows how to survive, how to keep reproducing under abuse, and it will eventually dominate bigger and rougher grasses. It is golf-course tough, football-field tough, backyard tough, cow-pasture tough, drought and flood tough. No, I do not sell Bermuda seed, but believe me, it is tough!. A “soft” child can be as tough as Bermuda grass without being particularly macho or brawny. This inner toughness will make the spirit resilient in adversity. One who is so strengthened in his spirit will not allow obstacles to stop him, or the pounding of public opinion to deter him. When everyone misunderstands, he does not succumb to self-doubt. The world is a giant, confidence-eating cud chewer. It seeks our defeat. Whatever path we choose in life will be littered with signs that say, “Closed to you; you can’t do it; this is for people more talented or advantaged; you can’t make a difference.” And when you believe the signs and stop to ponder, you will hear voices that say, “You are not important; no one cares; it is not worth it; quit now.” The weak go no further. They settle down and accept the lot that is handed to them and spend the rest of their lives unhappy and unfulfilled. The tough don’t believe the signs and never slow down to listen to the voices. They are the doers, the precedent setters, the pioneers. Their accomplishments may never win Nobel prizes or be recognized with applause at a banquet; but they will know in their hearts that they have run the course and overcome the hardships to conquer, even in the little areas that may only matter to a quiet few. But they were not quitters, slackers, or buck passers. At the end of life, they will have tasted of the sweetness, heard the music, and worn the crown of victory, even if it is simply a paper crown given by a thankful grandchild or an appreciative spouse. The tough will earn the admiration and appreciation of the few or the many. But, in the end, they will be able to say, “I have lived, and it was good…very, very good.” You get the idea? It is not a tough exterior that God desires or that people admire; it is a tough spirit, an overcoming spirit, a spirit of service, caring not for the sparse thanks, nor flinching at misunderstanding. Many have been schooled to fight, to not cry, to never admit weakness. People call them tough, but inside, they may actually be weak and insecure. Too often, a “tough” man is not tough enough to say, “I’m sorry,” not tough enough to get up after a big let-down. Rather, he crumbles under life’s burdens and turns to drink, drugs, pornography, or self-pity. He listens to country music and blames somebody else for his woes. Like a bad dog weakened from a lost fight, he retreats and lashes out in anger at those who would heal his wounds. He is alone, proclaiming his strength, but manifesting nothing but weakness. He is not as tough as the callouses on the hand of a violinist who persevered and was acclaimed for his achievements. So, Lady, your concern is my concern, that modern families should culture more tough men and women. The Scriptures say, “…quit you like men, be strong” (1Cor. 16:13). It takes a strong and tough mother to produce strong and tough boys. The next generation will need to be tougher than this present one if they are going to survive the immorality and materialism that prevails. Lady, in parting I would like to say just one thing to your husband, “Shame on you.”

Training Boys

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Jun 2004 11:30:43 +0000

I am often asked how to raise boys. It has been so long since my boys were 12 and 14 that I had forgotten much of what we did, but because we have the Russian boys back with us this summer, relating to them again has refreshed my memory considerably. The first time around, when training up my own children, I didn’t reflect much on what I was doing or why (training was more intuitive). But, after having spent the last ten years answering parents’ letters, writing articles about child training, and analyzing everyone else’s methods, it has caused me to take special note of the way I relate to these young guys. It is interesting to observe myself interacting with them. It is like going back in time and viewing myself being a daddy once again—like getting a second chance. I think it has given me a fresh perspective on the basics—concepts that I can now relate to you in fresh ways and which may prove helpful. I didn’t do everything right the first time around. The grace of God and an exceptionally good wife made up for many of my inadequacies. Thanks be to God, our children all turned out to be a great blessing to us and all who know them. They are emotionally stable, happy, creative, godly, with excellent marriages and good kids of their own. Second time around The most fundamental thing I see taking place in my relationship to the Russian boys is something I often see missing in many father/son relationships. It is a difficult concept to convey, like trying to define water for a fish. Only now, late in life, do I clearly see it. There is no single word to define it, but I will call it Passion. Maybe the word Intensity would also be appropriate. The word Commitment misses the mark somewhat because it implies a conscious act, a stirring of the will. This spontaneous passion…intensity…zeal toward my sons (my daughters received this as well) began so early and was so uninterrupted that, until the presence of these two Russian boys brought it to mind, I never knew I had it. As I think back to when my sons were first born, I can vividly remember its beginning. When I held my first newborn son, I knew that my life’s mission and purpose had been inextricably altered. Everything, absolutely everything, took second place to my new role as father. My son became top priority in my thinking and my schedule, above my ministry as a pastor, above my vocation as an artist and cabinet maker, and far above my leisure time and my convenience. The context and perspective of my life changed as much as it did the day I got married. My frame of reference changed. From that moment on I would never be off duty. I now had the highest calling on earth—that of Father. And the first time my little boy said “Daddy,” I knew I had chosen correctly. It was when my son handed me his firstborn child, that the circle was complete. I never viewed my boys as a burden. They were always an exciting opportunity, the core of my reason for existing. But now, Deb and I have people come up to us, telling us how wonderful we are for “sacrificing” and keeping the Russian boys for the summer months. The first two or three times it happened, I just stood and looked at them in puzzlement, trying to understand what on earth they could be talking about. “Sacrificing? Are we on the same wavelength here? Where is the sacrifice? Surely there is no reward in Heaven for having a good time!” Then it dawned on me: They actually thought we were being noble and “dying to self.” Bless their hearts for the pity, but I count these boys as one of my indulgences, my deep pleasures and diversions. Some people go to the movies; I take the boys into the garden to work or down to the store for some ice-cream, or to the river to fish or go boating. I talk with them about going through puberty, and discuss how to make and save money, what to look for in a prospective wife, and how to show themselves honest and loyal in all transactions. Just this week I told 14-year-old Kolya that when he becomes president of Russia, or head of the Navy, that he must invite Deb and me over to Moscow and give us the VIP treatment. He said he would. I told my wife later that I had better treat him well or he may send me to a collective farm to weed the potatoes. I am ever aware that I am molding them to become adults, and that it is my privilege to participate in determining the quality of a living soul. All our actions in the raising of our kids will reverberate in the halls of eternity. How could that ever be a sacrifice? It is an appointedeven a mandated position of trust and honor, a position that promises glory if performed faithfully and successfully. In the months I spend with these boys from another culture, it calls to my memory the thrill of raising my own sons. It is the excitement of being engaged in a wonderful project and, although you are enjoying every minute of the process, you can hardly wait to get it finished for the pleasure that you know it will bring. One day very soon, these young fellows will be men. They will remember me and the time we spent together with better clarity than I will be able to recall. I am very aware that I am either contributing to the fine-tuning of their consciences or to the hypocrisy and deceit of a life that uses people and lacks temperance. In every situation that comes up, my own conscience is checked by the knowledge that I am leaving my fingerprints on their soulsspiritual forensic evidence that God will examineand that it will all come back around one day. Before I know it, they will be men, standing over me…remembering…judging…and passing on what I have handed them. Wow! There is nothing boring in this calling! I am convinced that this Passion—this Spontaneous Commitment—is the most basic answer to every child training need. Where this intense preoccupation with your children is missing, you will not be effective in bringing them to emotional stability and godliness. I have seen so many parents trying to redeem their children and their family-life by adding some principle or practice to their schedule, when the thing that is really missing is the passion, the zeal, the love and wonder of their high calling. I think we can all agree that raising children is the greatest challenge and, potentially, the greatest blessing on earth. But, now let’s discuss how this fundamental attitude of Spontaneous Passion plays out in common experiences. Full-time job The boys must be so important to you that nothing ever displaces them from your thoughts or plans for even a moment. That doesn’t mean that I cannot plan to have time to myself—to take off for a few hoursbut never at the expense of their welfare. I can never simply dismiss the children from my thinking. When the Russian boys are here, my time is not my own, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It is not a “principle” that I must make myself remember and practice; it is a gut feeling, a compelling and unavoidable responsibility. Just as when you are driving a car, you might take your eyes off the road for a moment, but only under circumstances that permit you to do so and still provide full control of the car. If children are in your care, your heart must always be on them, for their souls are in your hands as surely as if they were riding on the hood of your car. “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15). I can place the boys in the care of one of my daughters or sons for the day, and I can almost forget about them, knowing they are loved and protected as surely as if they were with me. Part of my responsibility for them includes knowing that a variety of social life will do them good. They might get bored with Big Papa after a while, and I certainly can’t keep up with their pace every day; but all my plans always center around their growth and maturity. I cannot take a moment off until I have satisfactorily seen to their care. Today, I dropped one of the boys off at Papa Glen’s to cut the grass. He loves to drive the tractor, and he gets $3.00 per hour…plus snacks and a good lunch. I was able to forget about him until it started raining, and it occurred to me that he would now be inside, and they always have the TV going. Older folks sometimes use the boob tube for company and don’t even know what is playing. But a 12-year-old is very impressionable. I hastened over there as fast as I could get out of the house. I could not continue with my schedule until I had secured the safety of the young man in my charge. The 14-year-old was with my son all day, cutting his grass and trimming with the weed-eater. I know that Gabriel is sensitive to the needs of a young man, so I could relax, trusting him to bring Kolya home in better shape than when he left. The boys are my constant charge. The responsibility consumes me. This is the foundation of raising boys. Camaraderie Their presence here with us now reminds me that when my boys were young, I felt it was important to maintain camaraderie with them, not to allow someone else to occupy the place of prominence in their hearts. The boys may go to work with my son Gabriel, or my son-in-law, Justin, or they may spend some time jumping on the trampoline with other boys, but I remain the central figure in their life. It takes much of my time, energy, and imagination to stay ahead of them, but, as with my own boys, I live with a sense that the world is a maze of pitfalls, and that they must keep me in sight if they are going to make it through safely. Just the other day, when my daughter came home without the boys, I asked her where they were. She told me that they wanted to stay at the home of some fine people here in the church who have boys their age. When she told me that there were also several additional church kids there and that they were all just “hanging out,” I rushed over and brought the boys home. It was not because I had heard bad reports on the other kids, quite the contrary; they all have fine reputations. It was just that sense I had that they were without their shepherd outside the fold, in a place where their hearts could be stolen away. I don’t want them to get accustomed to the lazy, “chill out”, “cooling it”, mentality of the average church youth of today. Two hours of that and they could lose their momentum, become dissatisfied with the more disciplined atmosphere that I had been providing. I do not want someone stealing away their affection. I am jealous, not for my sake, but for theirs. They need the stability and wisdom that adults provide. I don’t want to leave the impression that I isolate the boys from their peers. They have a social life, but only when the direction is clearly defined. They go camping with other kids their age, but only with my grown sons and daughters or some other Father whom I trust implicitly. They go fishing with other boys and jump on the trampoline, but when the momentum is gone, I send the other boys home. Access The boys need uninterrupted access to me. When I am in my office working, sometimes one of them will come, open the door, and just look at me…waiting…offering a half smile…waiting for some signal, some affirmation of our relationship. It is enough to smile and say, “I must finish this office work; why don’t you guys find something to do until I get through.” They just want to know that I am in control, that their day…their life…is ordered and secure, and I will be theirs in a very short while. Most teenagers rebel against their parents, and when you ask them why, the usual answer is, “They don’t listen to me…they don’t care.” Parents are shocked, “When have I not listened? Anytime you had anything important to say, I listened. I never turned away from any serious discussion.” Kids don’t just come up and start talking about what is really on their minds (wives and husbands don’t either). They are always a little uncertain and want to feel you out first. They begin talking about irrelevancies to see if you’re even in a “mood” to listen. If you are, then they may get closer to the subject that is really on their minds. If you are still listening and do not interrupt them with a lecture or a cliché of “great wisdom,” they may begin talking about their problem in the third person, as if it were just idle conversation about someone else. If you are still with them—as a real friend would be—they may finally open up and get to their issue. You are accessible. You listened. You cared. But if you mostly ignore your children, turn them over to computer games, audio and visual media, telephone pals, and social events, they may continue to live in the same house, but you won’t find them on the same page. Jesus rightly called himself “the door” of the sheepfold through which the sheep could safely pass to green pastures AND return again safely to the fold. Fathers must be open doors to their sonsfor their very life’s sake! Idleness That old bit of wisdom, “Idleness is the Devil’s workshop” may not be Bible, but it is surely the wisdom of time well said. I simply do not allow idleness to incubate mischief. If I see that the boys are bored, I either do something with them or guide them into some wholesome, creative activity that will keep their souls growing and developing. I never allow them to stay in their rooms unless they are using it as a workshop. Kolya will stay in his room on long evenings or rainy days putting model cars together. I know what he is thinking about when he is reading directions and lovingly stroking the plastic parts. It is a most wholesome exercise of the mind and body. Bedroom doors are without locks, and doors are left open except to change clothes—three minutes! Boredom can be a killer, if not quickly detected and then properly directed. It breeds either creativity or discontentment and unthankfulness. When I see them bored, it alarms me, because their minds are adrift and looking for somewhere to land. Where will their imaginations take them? What form of stimulation will they turn to? The Devil and the world are ready at the first hint of “need,” ready, that is, to tickle the flesh to death. A bored child is without direction or purpose. He is drifting around looking for someplace to focus his soul—a very dangerous condition if left unattended. I try to provide many different opportunities to engage their imaginations and energies, so I don’t have to keep up with them, but if we run out of “fun,” I create something—bicycle riding, skate boarding, building something out of wood or metal, fishing, playing sports, musical instruments, auto mechanics, lawnmower repair, home repair, cleaning house, washing dishes, grass cutting, hunting, wrestling, horizontal bar, lifting weights, exploring the woods and creeks, boating and swimming, reading, hobbies—anything but watching TV, playing computer games, listening to music, snacking, and “hanging out” with other kids. Media influence I do not allow them to play computer games, and if I did have TV capabilities, I would not allow them to watch it unless it was a pre-selected learning experience, something I deemed of value for their education, but with no commercials! I do occasionally put on a DVD of Roy Rogers or Gene Autry and watch it with them. Most John Wayne movies are unacceptable. I have other selected videos that I may allow them to watch, one or two times a week, but everything is chosen to encourage righteousness and truth, or because of its character-building lessons. Some people would call me “legalistic.” Not so, for my convictions don’t come from rules imposed upon me by my religious circle or through something I read. I am not trying to hold to some standard. Like all truly born-again Christians, the Spirit of God directs me to walk in truth. I have observed the fruit of the potato chip/computer chip generation—kids raised indoors on media and computers. They are a sickly, weak, and effeminate herd, milling around in their imaginations, drifting in and out of reality, afraid of the real world and unable to cope with its challenges. Parents should be ashamed of themselves for allowing their children to “hang out” with a computer. And any parent who would allow his children to have one minute of unobserved access to the web is stupid beyond belief. Yes, I think you should teach your children to use a computer. If they seek employment in any big city, their salary will likely be tied to their ability to operate complex programs. But a computer is a poor friend, a worse parent, and a soulless spouse, as many women who have husbands and sons immersed in one can testify. Media and megabits never make a man; they make shadows. If you want your sons to have substance, save them from being consumed by the glowing screen. Work and money Many times we have written about teaching children to work. I notice that the boys love to work if it involves fellowship with adults. They hate to work if they must work alone, especially if it is a repetitive, boring job. I am the same way. Certainly life will demand that we do boring jobs, but when you are teaching children to work—to love to work—you do not want their first (early) impressions of work to be extremely unpleasant. All work is pain and must be endured for the end that it provides. Remuneration is a great end. I pay the boys for jobs like stacking the year’s firewood, or weed-eating the office grounds. They don’t get paid for doing the dishes or weeding the garden, since that is part of our daily needs. You must be careful to pay them a little less than they are worth. You do not want to give them a false sense of their value. You will need to raise their salary as they get older and can do more per hour. I sometimes pay them by the job—they work harder that way but I usually pay them by the hour. The 12-year-old gets $3.00 per hour, and the 14-year-old gets $4.00 per hour. When the work is especially hard, like shoveling manure or stacking firewood, I give them a bonus if they do a good job quickly. They always have it in mind that they may get a bonus. If they work two and one half hours, I may pay them for three. I always strive to appear generous in the way I pay them. It is important to pay them immediately after work (Deut. 24:14-15). Glory is another good inducement. If you brag on their work, they will work themselves into the ground to get that kind of praise. A job that others will see, like painting the garage, will put energy into their work. Fixing a lawn mower or repairing a broken door handle can elicit praise and admiration. Any praise you give them should always be earned and related with their work attitude. If they try their best and the job is poorly done, accept it as perfect. God’s grace has extended to me in measureless ways over the years! Artistic expression will push a man (or boy) to endure his hard work—like building a straight, white fence that he and others will enjoy viewing. Trimming a hedge, raking up leaves, and arranging the flower beds can drive one to enjoy his work. Painting your own room some exotic color that provokes admiration tends to make one forget that he is working. Some kids love to clean up old places—attics, garages, barns, etc. Others despise the job. Try to give each of them jobs that are suited to their likes. Your real goal is to raise a boy who has a will to work, who assumes it is his responsibility to provide for others, to do the dirty work, because he is THE MAN. You want to stretch them, to challenge them, but not to break them beneath a load they cannot yet carry. That will come soon enough. Let’s put it this way. A 3-year-old can work for maybe one minute at a time putting leaves in a basket. After that, it becomes misery. A 6-year-old can work for ten to twenty minutes doing the dishes or cleaning up the yard. A 10-year-old might be able to work alone for about one hour, but he can work with you nearly all day as long as he has several diversions and breaks along the way and can quit early enough to enjoy the promise of a swim or a special treat, plus, a little money as reward. A 13-year-old can go to work with his dad or someone else and keep at it all day—two or three days in a week, but he should not be made to work five days a week, eight hours a day. A 16-year-old can work like any man and should be so engaged. The ages and hours will obviously differ from one kid to another and from one environment to another. I am not trying to lay down rules that you must follow. I just want you to be aware of the principles that are so critical, and then you can adapt them to your circumstances. We don’t have the space or the energy to cover every imaginable subject, so I will simply list some of them. You can develop the thoughts yourself. I am sure that there are other points you can add to the list. Send me your suggestions. I teach them and train them. . . To enquire and investigate To be skeptical of all experts, from religion to medicine To have empathy and seek justice To forgive the repentant and fallen To maintain their honor in truth To choose a good name over riches To honor women and protect them To nurture and protect all children To see the humor in all of life To be thankful to God and others To tell others about Jesus To know their Bible better than any preacher To make money without being a slave to it To work hard, and then play hard—in that order To be tough and able, ready to defend themselves or others against violence To not denigrate or ridicule any man To stand on the Word of God, even unto death. But what about me? Now my reader may be asking, “What about those of us who recognize that we do not have this “passion” of which you speak; can it be achieved by an act of the will?” You cannot simply will to be passionate, but you can consciously make choices that will change your heart until you come to be consumed with an intensity of thought and feeling. Just as a man’s passion for his wife (I don’t mean sex) can be supplanted by excessive attention to work, to the computer, to pornography, to sports, to hobbies, or all of life’s responsibilities put together, so can a father’s passion be distracted from his high-calling as a father if he makes choices that will freeze out his intensity for his children. It is true that the person makes the choices, but the choices also make the person. You will give attention to that which you love, but it is also an axiom that, you will come to love and feel passionate about that to which you give your full attention. To put it plainly: If you had a proper upbringing and your heart is in the right place, you will be passionate about your children without anybody telling you to do so. But the reality is that most of us had parents like ourselves. When you add to the equation the fact that we are all inclined to selfishness and lust, our children suffer from our deficiencies. However, although you may have come to the unsatisfactory place where you now find yourself, in part, through unfortunate circumstances, and in part, due to your own bad choices, your future need not be enslaved to your past! But it will if you remain indifferent, and in your present state of inertia! You can change your heart by changing your actions. You can change your priorities by prioritizing your schedule. “Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established” (Proverbs 16:3). Do what you ought and, in His time, you will find that God will have your heart where it ought to be. I cannot close without addressing a question that I know we will receive in the mail. We will have two hundred and thirty-seven women write something like the following:

Dear Mike, I read your article on raising boys, and I know it is the truth. I can see where my husband has failed. I have tried to get him to take more interest in the boys, but he just retreats into his own interests. What can a woman do when she doesn’t get any support?

If a wife takes what I have written and tries to put pressure on her husband to implement the things I have suggested, or if she becomes critical of him for not doing them, it would be better if she had never read this article. The absolute worst response you could have is to let the kids know that you are dissatisfied with them and their father. It is a fact that most of the wives who read this are going to see their husband’s shortcomings. If my wife were to have read it when my boys were growing up, she could have found cause to “exhort” me. I did not do everything right all the time. Thank God it is the long haul that determines the outcome, not the exceptions. I do have a practical suggestion. First, try to get your husband to read this article without finding fault or accusing him of his shortcomings. Simply ask him what YOU can do to improve the rearing of your boys. Then drop it. Do not pursue your husband beyond his reading of the article. Second, assume that the responsibility is entirely yours. Take steps to provide what you can, and leave the rest in God’s hands. Maintain a cheerful attitude, and try to provide for all their needs. Do not become overly burdened trying to change things that are out of your control. God has a way of making up for our inadequacies when we obey to our limit and then trust Him for the rest. When you have done all that you can humanly do, lay it down and dance. God will tap you on the shoulder and join you to make this monumental effort of training your boys a joy and a delight. Michael Pearl

A Mother Asks

Michael Pearl — Thu, 15 Jan 1998 12:05:08 +0000

Dear Michael and Debi,

Our son is seven years old. As soon as church lets out, the boys, young and old, are running around on the deck, out in the street, jumping on each other, and many times the “play” gets out of hand. In recent weeks things have escalated into what can almost be described as full-fledged gang war between the older and the younger boys. The older boys taunt the younger ones; the younger ones start chasing and jumping on the older ones, and someone gets hurt. We seem to be the only ones at our church that show any concern over this situation.

Many times we find ourselves intervening. Two weeks ago after an evening meeting I came around the side of the church building to find a group of five 10-13 year old boys around our son with one of them holding my son’s neck from behind and smashing his face into the wall. The “mama bear” definitely came out in me and I jumped in. The older boys stated that our son had been jumping on them, etc. (which our son did confess to) but in retaliation our son had been ruffed up pretty badly.

I read with much interest “Sorry, I’m tied up at the moment.” Both my husband and I were raised with certain expectations of decorum around “grown ups.” Although in an informal setting such as camping I understand that it can be great fun where these lines become relaxed. We were a bit undone one night when we had our pastor and his wife over for a visit, and our son ran in the room, jumped in the pastor’s lap and started tickling him. We realized this is an area that we need to do some training, but with the situation at our church where younger boys are dukeing it out in the street after church with man-size older boys, it’s hard for our son to distinguish where to draw the line.

I’m sorry to have been so long-winded about this, but our situation seems so different from what you described in either “A whole Boy” or “ Rowdy Boys.” Our son is a boy that can sit still for hours. One of his favorite things to do is sit and have me read to him. He often begs for me to read “just one more chapter” long after my voice begins to wear out. We live on two and a half acres where he has all sorts of room to run, we have pigs and sheep and a pony, but like I mentioned before I often have to encourage him to go outside or stay outside with us. But here recently, when our son gets around other boys he goes a bit nuts, me too. This has all come on us so suddenly that it has really caught us off guard. We would greatly appreciate any suggestions you have to offer.

C.T.

Dear Mama Bear, It is difficult to prescribe a singular solution. Based on assumptions I make from reading your letter, I will make some suggestions that may help you make some adjustments. The way I understand it, there are several layers to this issue, making it complex. The situation you described after church is definitely an incubator for trouble. The church leadership should take steps to eliminate the marauding herds of developing male humans. You have no control over the church. If others are not bothered, there is nothing you can do to change the overall situation. Be careful not to become a meddling nag. As to your own part, leave immediately after the service and do not allow your son to roam. If you must stay, appoint a place for him to sit until you are ready to leave. In this area your concerns are natural and justifiable, but, if I am reading you correctly, you have complicated the problems of male youth with a common feminine over-sensitivity. If mama bears had their way baby bears would always be little biting bullies with no understanding of social give and take. Puppies, bears and kids learn not to bite by getting bit in return. Mamas who run interference for their little boys do two things: 1) they make weak sons, 2) they cause the other kids to continue picking on the ‘bratty’ little boy with the ‘meddling’ mama. You mentioned his wild response when other boys come around. You are shocked at the recent change. Perhaps the change is shocking because a change that should have occurred gradually was suppressed until it burst forth suddenly. It sounds to me as if he is a late bloomer. My sons were delightfully wild by the time they were four. The only way you could get them to sit in your lap after they were five is to make them take their knives off (real knives), lay their BB guns down, and then forcibly wrestle them into your lap. Keeping them indoors was like trying to keep a dog up a tree. If his boyhood has been subdued and is then suddenly released, it may be that neither of you knows how to handle it. Out of camaraderie, young boys will pick on older boys. The youngsters are honored when the older boys notice them. And then, it is such a challenge to test one’s mettle against a stronger opponent. It really makes a little kid feel big to bop a big guy and get away with it. If you will observe them, it is all done with laughter and great fun. But eventually the little attackers become a nuisance or maybe go too far with their ‘attacks’ and the big guys decide to teach them their place. The little guy may end up crying and tattling. If you are the parent of the big guy, you should rebuke him—lightly. If you are the parent of the little nuisance you should show no sympathy with his plight. Say something like. “Well, it you don’t want to get hurt, don’t play with the big guys.” If you sympathize with him, or if you become the head of his attack team by going on the attack yourself, you will encourage his uncontrolled behavior and you will make your son less popular, thus increasing his chances of his being the target of future attacks. Kids and young people, especially those of the male variety, have this built in hormonal rush that makes them want to fly through the air, defy danger, go the limit. Kids can’t just lazily swing; they have to go as high as they can and then jump out. No boy is ever satisfied with the lowest branch on a tree or the first gear on a bicycle. Skate boards and roller blades are made to be hormone burners. Where there are two boys they will find two sticks and swing them at each other in some sort of imaginary contest. When my boys were big enough to run, they would take their metal Tonka trucks, and holding them by the sides of the truck-bed they would run down the gravel driveway at full speed. And as if the loud noise of the rattling truck was not enough, they would imitate the sound of a jet airplane. Many a time I had to catch up to them and block their raceway in order to get their attention so I could demand a moment of conversation with someone standing in the yard. When I gave the all-clear signal, they would blast off down the driveway racing each other and banging their trucks together. They learned not to come to me with their bloody hands, elbows, and, occasionally, heads. I showed no sympathy with self-induced wounds. I made them to understand that it was part of the price that must be stoically bore by little boys who chose racing gravel trucks for sport or profit. I love boys. I like them dirty, rambunctious, grinning, and spontaneous. Although little boys need to learn when and where their exuberance is appreciated. As a pastor, if I were visiting in a home and a little seven-year-old jumped on me to tickle me, I would appreciate the fact that the child liked me enough to be spontaneous. I would also appreciate the mother’s embarrassment of her son’s wild behavior. Pastors are big enough to take care of themselves. If his spontaneous exuberance lacks discrimination, train him to properly channel it, but do not turn him into a girl. Invite other boys over and go out to watch them wrestle. I always rooted for the one on the bottom, whether it was my boy or another. When other boys visited, our boys would yell and run out of the house to get something exciting going. I expected them to climb, jump, wrestle, push, fall, get hurt, and get up to try it all again. Children establish their own social rules. If one goes outside the limits of acceptable push-and-shove the others will respond with discipline. Your son would have been better left alone. He admitted attacking the bigger fellow. A little thrashing from the big boys would teach him the limits. I would only intervene if I felt that the fight was going to cause serious damage to one of them. Where do we draw the line in this matter of kids roughing each other? Teach your boys to be kind and loving toward their neighbor. A rule I often repeated was, “Fun is fun as long as everyone is having fun, if not then your are being a bully.” Understand, roughhousing by mutual consent is kind and loving as far as little boys are concerned. Attitude is the line. Never permit anger, jealously, hostility, wrath, or violence. I taught my boys that if someone becomes angry and wants to fight, you should walk off. Never stay to prove that you are not scared or to settle an argument with a fight. Hostile fighting was always wrong, even when the other guy started it. I taught them to be pacifists in their own defense unless their life or limb was in eminent danger, in which case they could use sufficient force to evade their enemy. Never allow pride to draw you into a confrontation or to keep you in one if it unexpectedly develops. Boys can be rough and still have big hearts and be kind. If their energy is expended in work and good clean active tumbling they will not be as prone to sudden uncontrolled displays of hyperness. Again I emphasize, focus on attitude. Come down hard and quick on selfish, mean spirits, but back off and give them room to explode--as long as they are grinning. Mama, close your eyes. Go back in the house. It is likely to be too much for your sensitive nature. Those boys out there need to get it out of their systems before one of them grows up to become head of the War Department.