No Greater Joy Ministries » Marriage

Leaving and Cleaving

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:06:15 +0000

Mother-in-Law

Dear Pearls, I have struggled to have a relationship with my mother-in-law since I met her. She tends to be manipulative, unkind, and judgmental. On many occasions, she has told me who I am not and what I should be, that I am undeserving of her son, and how I am not a good wife. She also tells my husband the same things about me in an attempt to pit him against me. My husband is a strong man and does not tolerate that from her, but he does see it as my duty to create and maintain a friendship with her regardless of her treatment of me. I feel that if she wants to have a real friendship, she should make the effort to treat me kindly. I want to respect my husband and be able to show love and compassion to his mom, but I also do not want to be abused by her. It is hard to believe the one thing in my marriage that brings me sadness is my mother-in-law. What are your thoughts?

Michael Answers:

What are my thoughts? I am thinking, “What a wimp!” No one should be abused, but some people just ask for it. You are asking to be treated with contempt because you do not stand tall with dignity. You cower and ask your husband to defend you. If he does take action to defend you, she will just express more contempt for your pitiful weakness. As I was reading your comments, I was thinking a woman who would treat another human being with contempt could do so only from a heart that is dark and troubled. My advice to you is determine to stand up to her tongue and put out the fire with kind, loving rejection and disregard for her ugliness. Treat her as an unruly child who needs a firm hand—firm, but not hard. She must feel her littleness in the shadow of your strength. It will be quite appropriate for you to calmly tell her, “You have personal issues that you need to deal with, and I would appreciate it if you would not come into my house with a critical spirit.” Say to her, “I am a great wife and your son is lucky to have me.” When she says you are not what you should be, tell her, “Maybe not, but I do not have a critical spirit as do you, and God is helping me do better; let’s pray and ask him to help you not be so critical and mean-spirited.” Remember to pray for her daily. Ask God to humble her, and ask him to give you the courage to not be offended by her littleness. When you can smile with pity at her criticisms, she loses her power and her words will no longer matter to you. Only then will you be able to minister to her needs. In my new book, Created to Need a Help Meet, I have a whole chapter on this subject. Your husband needs to read it.

Leave and Cleave

Dear Mike and Debi, The love of my life and I got married about four months ago. We are happy as larks and are reaping the heavenly fruits of marriage. Life really cannot get any better. I love him so much, and I want to be everything I can for him. My world revolves around him and I want it to be that way. But it seems that others simply don’t understand my infatuation with him or think it is a good thing. I’m writing to ask you what is proper as far as leaving and cleaving. I don’t know if I am going overboard or not. When I married, I moved a few states away from my family. Although my parents are thrilled with my choice of a husband, the distance between us is very hard for them. If I don’t call, she feels like I don’t love them or miss them. She needs constant reassuring that I do miss them. It’s not that I don’t love or miss them, I do. I’m just very involved being a wife and, bottom line, that’s where my attention lies. I don’t have a pressing need to call my friends and family any more. My need is my husband. But is it wrong for me to “leave” so thoroughly? Should I be reassuring them with regular ties? Is there such a thing as cutting the apron strings too much? Totally in LOVE, Happy Wife

Dear Happy Wife,

Someday you will have a daughter and will invest the greater part of your adult life in raising her. You will be her entire life for about 20 years. You will be her best friend, meeting a need in her that is deep and abiding. This is the perspective from which your mother looks at you. Then one day, to make you even happier, she was delighted to give you away in marriage, but she didn’t really want to give you away; she just wanted to expand her family—her love circle—adding a son and lots of new babies. And then poof! You’re gone. Her best friend is gone. Her days were organized around you, and now they are empty. You belong to another. You look to someone else to have your needs fulfilled, but she hasn’t traded one close bond for another—she is just alone and empty. She wants to share your joy. She knows better, but that doesn’t change the way she feels. She weaned you once. Now you must wean her. Let her down easy. Give her time to organize her life around other people and other things. Tell her you will call on a certain day every week and talk for an hour. It will help her if you will occasionally call for advice on any issue. Let her know she is valued for her wisdom. In short, let her know she is significant to you. But at the same time, never allow the family you have left, come between you and your husband. You should indeed “leave and cleave.” Again, my new book, Created to NEED a Help Meet, deals with this subject from the man’s perspective.

What Does “Cleave” Mean?

Following is a little Bible study on the word cleave: Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Cleave is an interesting word in Hebrew. It is dabaq and is used 54 times. Thirty-two times it is translated “cleave” in the English; five times it is translated “follow hard,” meaning someone is running and the other person is pursuing them, very intent on catching them and is right behind them, will not slacken his pace, and is near to grabbing them, stays with them, won’t let the person out of his sight, following hard after them. It is translated “overtake” three times, connoting that the pursuer followed after until he came along beside the person. Then it is translated “stick” three times as in two things sticking together. It is translated “keep fast,” don’t turn it loose. Then it is translated “together” two times, “abide,” as in stay there, one time, then “close” one time, “enjoined” one time, “pursued” one time, then “take” one time. So if we take all these together, what could we sum them up as? Cleave unto your wife means stay close together, be inseparable. It means mingle, follow hard, stay very close by, keep fast, hold on to, don’t turn loose, be near to your woman. So God commanded that man was to leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife only. “That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him …” (Deuteronomy 30:20). That is that same Hebrew word dabaq. Just as we are commanded to cleave to God, God commands us to cleave to our wife. It’s a sacred and a holy thing, the same word used with both God and wife, equating our passion for our wife with our passion for God. --- The next two questions and answers are taken from Mike’s new book, Created to NEED a Help Meet.

Honor to Whom Honor Is Due

Dear Pearls, How do we set boundaries gently while maintaining relationship and honor with our parents? My mother-in-law redecorates my home to her liking, meddles in our finances, belittles my husband, telling him he’s foolish to spend money this way and that. My other stepmother throws fits when we aren’t “fair.” Both women want 100% loyalty and subjection from us. My mother examines the kids for bruises and marks, and uses the “examination” as a tool to threaten calling the DHS when things don’t go her way. Help us. A Reader

Michael Answers

Dear Lady, God tells you to submit to your husband but there is nothing in the Bible that remotely suggests you should submit to your mother-in-law, and you need not respect her any more than she respects you. When she tries to “decorate” your house, tell her you are happy with it the way it is and sweetly decline. When she insists, you insist. When she gets huffy, keep your dignity and quietly ask her to leave and not come back in your house until she is willing to respect your domain. How could she meddle in your finances unless you give her the reigns? Gently tell her in so many kind words that it is none of her business. As to your mother examining the kids for bruising, I do hope you are not bruising them; if you are then you are out of control and need to seek counsel. But if her threats are an attempt to intimidate you into surrendering to her will, tell her in no uncertain terms that her visiting privileges are terminated until further notice. If I had a parent or in-law that without provocation threatened to call child protection on me, I would move to a different state and not leave any forwarding address. Where are the men to allow a cantankerous old battle-ax to intimidate the family?

Mice or Men?

You won’t believe this one, but I print it because it is a common absurdity.

Dear Michael, I am thirty years old. I would like to know when, if ever, is the authority of the old parents no longer in force over an adult son, especially if the mother is not in authority to her husband? Although I am not married, I have been on my own for many years, and I am well established in my career and ministry. My mother is a divorcee, so I have provided for her over the years. My dad has not been a part of my life for many years. Mother can be very spiritually manipulative. I have met a young woman whom I believe would make an excellent wife and mother to my children. She is not only a good choice, but she has my heart, and I believe I have hers. Her family is wonderful. They would be all for our marriage. My mother, on the other hand, does not like the idea. A while back, my mother did pick out a wife for me. She was sure this was the girl God had for me to marry. I was willing to talk to the girl’s parents, although I was not in any way attracted to her. As it turned out, the girl was already asked for and soon married. Do I, as a grown man, submit to my mother, or should she, a woman without a head, submit to me? The Last Straw

Michael Answers

Should you submit to her or should she submit to you? Neither. There is one statement you made that I do question. You said you were a “grown man.”

Excerpts from Created to Need a Help Meet

Michael Pearl — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:33:48 +0000

Excerpt 1: Happy Mama

I will set you on the road to recovery with one good suggestion. Ask your wife for advice and counsel. Welcome her judgments even if you feel she is attacking you. Pretend to be humble and thoughtful. Be patient and ask her to expound further on her concerns. Pause and look enlightened. Nod in appreciation for her wisdom and then modify your actions in some measure based on her suggestion. If unfolding events prove her wrong, be kind and gentle, not gloating or mentioning what is obvious. On the other hand if her counsel and judgment prove to be right, praise her for it and thank her for saving you from error. You will make a new woman out of her. She will get 10 years younger and smile like a kid opening birthday presents. But I warn you, she will get addicted to being happy. She will want to have sex more often and will initiate contact. If you are not up to it, you might want to continue with your “know it all” attitude so she can maintain her coldness as she continues to be your unhappy critic.

Excerpt 2: Favor with the Lord

Marriage properly ordered is the quickest path to obtaining wisdom, grace, mercy, patience, faith, compassion, and humility—especially humility. If it were not for the constant presence of that other human being in our life we could live in a delusion. In our solitude we could call a half measure a whole, we could believe that mediocre is perfection, that lack of conflict is peace, that distant sympathy is compassion, that sharing with a friend is transparency, and that liberal giving is sacrifice. We could live our entire life alone and be convinced that we were mature and emotionally-balanced. The closeness of marriage creates a friction that either builds a fire that destroys or rounds off the edges and sharpens our spirits. God made marriage not only for the joy it brings but for its ability to expose our weaknesses and remind us of our fallibility. In marriage we go deeper, climb higher, reach further, and develop beyond the perceived limits of our humanity. It is heaven’s incubator were we hatch into eternity. “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22).

Excerpt 3: Eternal Opportunity

I could ask, “What is your marriage doing for you?” But the more pertinent question is, “What is your marriage doing for your wife?” Is she being perfected or rejected? Are you causing her to aspire to greater things or expire in fatigue? Is she climbing or declining? Loving or loathing? Does she serve you with joy or with a sense of duty? Does she know she is your treasure or does she feel used and abused? Your job as her husband is to cleanse her, not offend her with words of criticism. If you fail to perfect your wife, you not only fail her, you fail God; you fail the entire human process. You fail the Kingdom of God. Since God chose marriage to illustrate his ministry to the church, to fail in marriage is to defame the ministry of Christ. To fail to sanctify your wife is an opportunity lost for eternity.

I Need Her Counsel and Judgment

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 13:03:02 +0000

My new book, Created To NEED A Help Meet, will soon be finished. In the first half of the book I have a list of ways we men need a woman to help us be better, wiser and kinder people. Here is a short excerpt from that section of the coming book.

I need her counsel and judgment

Headstrong, independent men sometimes forget that in the “multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 24:6). “For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself” (Romans 14:7). Mister, you need counsel. Having done many stupid things, I don’t trust Michael Pearl like I did when I was young and knew everything. I have gotten dumber with the years. I am known to say “I don’t know” more often than I did just after graduating from college. But I will admit that early in our marriage I didn’t want my wife’s advice. At the time I felt that she was minimizing me in her criticism, so it angered Boss Hog when she “got out of her place” and took the lead. At least, that is the way I interpreted her suggestions. I will tell you the truth, I don’t know what happened first; maybe she gained wisdom in the way she offered input or maybe I became less sensitive to suggestions. But the end result is that we grew and matured to the point where I trust her judgments and she trusts mine, and we both know we can be wrong and therefore are open to considering other possibilities. We can challenge one another without feeling put down. It is a fact of human nature that all of us listen with concern and introspection to those whom we respect, and we dismiss with derision those whom we think are unworthy to challenge us. Poor wives. The bottom line is that insecurity and fear make us angry at perceived criticism. The smallest man has the biggest anger. Wives can irritate us more than anyone else because it is so important to a man to look good in his wife’s eyes. We are still like kids trying to impress that one girl, and it is disturbing if she thinks we are less than perfect. We all want to be praised and approved, and we get so little of it from work or friends, so we expect the little wife to provide all the positive affirmation necessary to keep up our self-image. (I hope my wife doesn’t read all this. I feel vulnerable being this honest.) Now don’t expect me to hold hands, say I am sorry, and sing kum-bah-ya. A man still has his dignity, you know. I don’t mind making changes, but I am not going to admit that I was wrong until five years have passed. It is much easier to say “I WAS wrong” than to say “I AM wrong.” My suggestion is that you hurry and make some changes before you have to admit that you ARE an immature, selfish, and insecure jerk. It worked for me. Then when you get old, you can be humble, too. I will set you on the road to recovery with one good suggestion. Ask your wife for advice and counsel. Welcome her judgments even if you feel she is attacking you. Pretend to be humble and thoughtful. Be patient and ask her to expound further on her concerns. Pause and look enlightened. Nod in appreciation for her wisdom and then modify your actions in some measure based on her suggestion. If unfolding events prove her wrong, be kind and gentle, not gloating or mentioning what is obvious. On the other hand, if her counsel and judgment prove to be right, praise her for it and thank her for saving you from error. You will make a new woman out of her. She will get ten years younger and smile like a kid opening birthday presents. But I warn you, she will get addicted to being happy. She will want to have sex more often and will initiate contact. If you are not up to it, you might want to continue with your “know it all” attitude so she can maintain her coldness as she continues to be your unhappy critic. When I write an article or book I submit it to my wife for editing. If she thinks something is not appropriate or could be said a different way, or that a point needs a little different slant, I discuss it with her until I see her point of view. There are times that she catches a skewed perspective or bad attitude coming through my writings. (For my reader I would like to soften that “bad attitude” thing, for it might lead you to a lower estimation of me, but today I will admit to it just to make a point. Consider it rhetorical.) I have come to trust her goodwill toward me and to accept the fact that she likes me even when I am bad—sort of like a mother. She doesn’t expect me to be perfect. She does like to see me honest and open to her wisdom. I would be stupid not to take advantage of her sanctified perspective. Think about it. One day, maybe soon, I am going to appear before the Judgment Seat of Christ to be rewarded or to lose reward according to the things done in this body, whether it be good or bad (2 Corinthians 5:10; 1 Corinthians 3:8; Matthew 10:42). At that day I am sure I will wish I could go back and have a do-over on many things. Right now, before I stand before Christ embarrassed, my wife is enabling me to have that do-over, to correct ignorance or insensitivity to the Holy Spirit. She is sanctified in some areas that I am not and can see things I cannot see. She is not just editing my writings; she is editing my life so that the end product is better than me. I was created to need her counsel and judgment. In my defense, it works both ways. I edit her writings and her life as well. Like any woman, she can get her feathers up and claw the blood out of a timid soul that still needs a little understanding. You should have seen her book, Created to Be a Help Meet, before I softened the edges. She has an occasional blind spot. Because I trust her judgments and censorship, she trusts mine, and we are heirs together of the grace of life, sanctifying one another so as to reduce our embarrassment at the Judgment Seat of Christ. My favorite dying song is “I want to walk over heaven with you some sweet day.” Heaven will be much sweeter with my best friend by my side.

I need her to support my vision

Every man has a vision, and visions are tenuous by nature. A man with a vision hopes to surmount difficult circumstance and do what others think impossible. A vision will waver like a mirage, sometimes promising cool water and other times looking like shifting sand. Most men lose hope of fulfilling their dreams and settle for a TV series. If you have a vision you need a helper suited to that vision. It is not necessary for her to believe in it as you do, but she must believe in you. A man can keep his own vision alive if his wife runs his supply line and praises his endeavors. A help meet that supports his vision will make life a journey worth the effort, and he will be remembered for his humanity if not his accomplishments. If your wife denigrates your vision it indicates she is not being fulfilled as a person. Tend to her needs and she will get so contented she will tell you that you sing well, you are smarter than everyone else, and you should be promoted to work at the cash register instead of cooking the fries. You need your woman to support your vision. If you have no vision I suspect you are not in good standing with your help meet. An encouraging woman makes a man think he is taller, stronger, and smarter than he is. And coupled with her wisdom he will be smarter. You cannot leave her sitting at the kitchen table griping and be successful at life without her. You may be manager at work but that has nothing to do with life more abundant. If you will devote your energies to building her as a person, you will have more time and energy to pursue your dreams.

I need her to cover me in prayer

Since we are “heirs together of the grace of life” it is essential that “husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). Life requires a lot of grace from God, but a particular grace, one unique kind of grace for one unique purpose, comes with two keys. The wife gets one and the husband gets the other. They must go into heaven’s bank together and insert the two keys at the same time if either of them is going to access the grace of life. If, according to the passage, a husband fails to “give honour” unto his wife, “the weaker vessel,” then their prayers are hindered. A husband who is ignorant of his wife’s needs and fails to relate to her as the weaker vessel, not dwelling “with them according to knowledge”, will fail to “obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). Mister, this may be the most important warning in this book. By not relating to your wife with knowledge of her status as the weaker vessel—the vessel being her body—your prayer line to heaven is cut, as is hers. That means the person closest to you in the world will not be able to pray for you, and as such you will not be a recipient of the grace you will need to deal with the issues of life. “I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting” (1 Timothy 2:8). “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16). “For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;” (Colossians 1:9). —Michael Pearl

Learning to Become a Multi-Colored Girl

Debi Pearl — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 11:00:31 +0000

A Call for All Young Women A lot has happened since the books Created to Be His Help Meet and Preparing to Be a Help Meet were published. Created has been translated into eight or ten languages and there have been thousands of Created and Preparing classes all over the world. We have received many letters from ladies and girls sharing what they have learned. Our most active blog is PreparingToBeAHelpMeet.com with girls and married ladies sharing what God has taught them. Through the letters and the blogs I have learned much that has helped me in addressing your needs. Here are a few examples. Men were created in God’s image. God breathed the breath of life straight into Adam. It is mind-boggling to think that mere man is in God’s own image. In effect, man is in the likeness of God. God feels, he thinks, and he loves just as does his creation. Just as Eve was created to meet a need in Adam, so we meet a need in God. That is strange to me. We all know that God is three persons, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We learned in Created to Be His Help Meet that, as men were created in God’s image, so each man predominantly expresses one of the three aspects of God’s image. As Adam was created in God’s image, Eve was created in Adam’s image. God could have shaped two clay figures and breathed life into both, but he chose to take the woman from the man’s own flesh and bone. I have come to see that tiered process as very significant, making it consistent with nature that the woman should be the helper in the chain of command. God did not create women as he did men, strongly fixed in one type or another. Being created in the image of man, we are more muted and flexible in our types. If a woman were a strong Command type married to Mr. Steady, that would cause terrible conflict in the marital relationship. If we were to attach colors to the three types, Command men would be red, the Steady man would be blue, and the Visionary would be yellow. Few men are a 100% pure type/color. Most men are one type with just a touch of another type to mellow him out. But this article is not about men, but rather about us girls and our adaptability of color. The woman was called to be her man’s helper, to fashion herself to be what he needs her to be. It is quite a calling. In order to do this a woman needs to be a kaleidoscope, a full array of color. One woman might be strong in red, but she also has all the other colors so that she can blend her life into that of her man. God provides us with all that we need to fulfill our calling. For example, at this time in my life as a Help Meet I am required to be a writer, office director, web planner, wife, grandmother and, last, but certainly not least, a country woman. If I had to give myself a color or type at this time in my life it would be a bright orange: half red, half yellow. I have been put into a role that requires leadership and creativity. As I was growing up my color was blue (servant) so I have had to adapt quite a bit. If I had married a different man I would likely not be a writer, an office director, web planner or a country woman. How different my life would have been! I might have married a factory worker who lived in the city. I could have lived my whole life in a rented apartment, worked as a domestic for extra income, and had just two children. I would have still loved the Lord because that is who I am, a lover of God. Most everything else in my life would have been different; what I learned, how I dressed, what I enjoyed, and where I went. I think that I would have grown potted plants full of herbs and salads on my balcony. My color would have been green, mostly blue but some yellow so that I might raise children strong in spirit. It would have been easy for me to have married a committed Southern Baptist minister. My color would have been purple, part blue to serve but part red to lead. It is a queenly color, as Baptists like their pastors’ wives to have dignity. I would have worn simple conservative suits, stockings, and slight heels, kept my hair done prim and proper, and my nails clean and painted. I would have been a Sunday School teacher, planned Vacation Bible Schools, and promoted my husband in his calling. I would have been a lover of God, because I love him. But I would have been a different lady, certainly not the country woman I am today. But then, I might have married an Amish-type-man, living plain, dressing plain, and speaking German. I would have never touched a computer, but spent my life having 12 children and working the land. You would never know me as me, but I would still be me, only I would be meshing into the man to whom I was a helper. I would still be a lover of God, because I love him, and in loving him I would have put forth an effort to honor God by honoring and reverencing my husband, as God has written in Ephesians 5:33, “…and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands” (1 Peter 3:1). When a girl marries a man she becomes a new person. She becomes his bride, his woman, his helper. It is God’s will that her life be fashioned to help him. If a girl comes into marriage knowing that she is equipped and appointed to be this one new person, then she can adapt and find fulfillment in her new self-expression. This past week the local Preparing class invited two older mothers to share their experiences in marriage. It was quite sobering, and some of the girls came away from class unnerved by the burdens of marriage. What the mothers wanted to convey to the girls was, “Learn now while you are young to honor your husbands. Learn patience to continue in your role as a Help Meet, and commit yourself to God now while you are young so you can avoid some of our trials and errors as we struggle to find our way.” Today’s culture, our own selfishness, and our lack of knowing God’s Word all play a part in making marriages miserable. What you learn as a young unmarried woman can change your life more completely than you can imagine. If you are wise you will learn to become a many-colored girl. Don’t say to yourself, “I am a Go-to Girl and not a Servant.” Rather say, “I am learning to be anything I need to be. I want to be a servant, I need to learn to lead and teach, and I will learn to be creative because my husband may need me to be all of these.” Practice being flexible in your likes and dislikes, how you feel about things, and what you hope to accomplish. Start striving to shape your life to help others, and hide God’s Words in your heart concerning becoming a wife. Lastly, make a written commitment to honor the man God provides for you. Choose a life’s verse that you write down on the cover of your Bible, one that goes along with your commitment. All these things will shape you for your coming marriage, enabling you to avoid the many pitfalls that entangle so many. Making yourself ready for any eventuality in your future marriage demands much practice if you want a glorious marriage.

Lazy Husbands, Hungry Kids and Hopeful Wives

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:20:52 +0000

Dear Pearls, “Is it normal for wives of Visionary men to face homelessness? My husband has not worked at all for 2 years. Our car died and there is no money to fix it. Our savings are almost gone. We are very behind on our rent, and my husband has made it clear that he does not want me trying to get any kind of government assistance. Nor does he want me asking him any more work-related questions of any kind. He wants to work from home and will not consider doing any kind of other work to make ends meet. I am really trying to keep my mouth shut but am struggling as of late. We will be facing eviction soon. My parents live very close by and are aware that my husband is either sleeping or on the computer. My mom doesn’t say anything but often offers us food, which is well-received. I make a small amount of money working from home, but it is not enough to keep us afloat. “Should I just quietly allow this to happen to us? I wouldn’t worry about it so much if our children were not so young. They are 4, 2, and 1. My husband is not a Christian, but I love him and think he is a good man, but he is making me crazy! If you have any advice on what I can do, please let me know.”

Dear Sister, Your problem is part of a growing epidemic that can’t be blamed on the economy. God tells us in I Timothy 5:8, “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” In Micah 4:4, God reminds us, “But they shall sit every man under his vine and under his fig tree…” Clearly God meant for every man to work and provide for his household. So you and God are agreed, but that doesn’t mean your husband is going to jump up and get a job just because you tell him what God has said. So, what is a wife supposed to do? Basically nothing—nothing in word and nothing in deed. Just stay cheerful and loving. Your situation is better than most, for you have parents who, while not pushy, are willing to help. First, thank God for that wonderful mercy. The Apostle Paul dealt with this issue in the early church. He reminded the Thessalonica church, “For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. For we hear that there are some which walk among you disorderly, working not at all, but are busybodies. Now them that are such we command and exhort by our Lord Jesus Christ, that with quietness they work, and eat their own bread” (2 Thessalonians 3:10–12). It is certainly not your responsibility to keep him from eating, but neither is it your duty to bail him out of his laziness. Tell your mom how much you appreciate her generous offerings of food, but ask her to give foods that only the little ones will eat. Make the food plain and basic. Slip over once a day with the children but without your husband and eat heartily. When there is no money available, allow your own kitchen cabinets to become bare. The best thing a woman can do is allow the situation to come to a head as quickly as possible. Don’t be an enabler by seeking further income. As long as he can keep the family together in any dwelling and provide food, continue to cheerfully follow his lead. But what if a worst case scenario develops and you are evicted and find yourself homeless with no place to go but the streets or a homeless shelter? That puts your children in danger. There is an example in Scripture that is often overlooked. In 1 Samuel 25 we read of a woman named Abigail who was married to a man who offended David by refusing to feed his hungry men. When Abigail heard what her husband had done, she knew their lives were in danger. So, without her husband’s knowledge, she directed the servants to prepare food for the 600 men and hastily deliver it. David received the food and readily acknowledged that she had saved him from shedding blood. When Abigail’s husband suddenly died of divine/natural causes, David took her to be his wife. If your husbands actions put your children in real danger—not just discomfort or inconvenience—you should protect the children by respectfully disobeying your husband. To broaden the subject for our readers, the same would be true if a drunken husband commanded a wife and children to ride in the car while he drove. Respectfully disobey. Likewise, if a husband commands a wife to leave her children in the care of questionable babysitters, follow your maternal instincts. If your present circumstances deteriorate to the point of homelessness, I suggest that you quietly arrange ahead of time for your parents to invite you and the children, but not your husband, to come and live with them. Let him live in a homeless shelter until he can provide a home for you and the girls. If he insists that you live with him on the streets, tell him your children come first and you will take them to your parents, dreaming of the day when he has a place for the family to be united. Perhaps you could have your parents invite him for dinner and a conjugal visit once a week but not to stay the night. Sometimes a man needs to lose his comfort zone (computer and TV) to appreciate his responsibility to maintain that zone. Most women make the mistake of jumping in and providing, and then they become bitter toward their lazy husbands. I know I am going to get a lot of flak for this. If you have a better answer, I would like to hear it. We will publish worthy answers that vary from my own. I am glad God made me a husband and not a wife. Every woman deserves to be loved and cherished, and every child deserves to be protected and nurtured. Some husbands deserve to be whipped, but that, dear lady, is God’s job, not yours.

Obsessions

Debi Pearl — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 12:10:21 +0000

Men are a different sort of people that are very hard for us more emotionally balanced females to understand. To prove this statement I would like to bring to your attention one very bad male quirk. They become obsessed with something: their jobs, a project (meaningful or otherwise), a sport or hobby, or any number of “I'm too busy” projects. I know most of you ladies in our readership have assumed Mike is the perfect husband. I can't imagine what gave you that idea. Here is a true story of just what a rotten fellow he used to be. Now, forty years later, he has finally become a bit embarrassed about the dead, stiff, stinky rabbits. He has never actually said so, but I know. I can tell from the way he grins when the word “rabbit” happens to come up in any context. He has grown, but he is still given to obsessions. The year we married Mike was obsessed with rabbit hunting. He talked about it all week long and prepared for it for days. After the before-dawn-to-after-dusk hunt he spent the rest of the week recovering. I, being a new wife that had predetermined to be sweet, uncomplaining, and basically wonderful, tried to smile sweetly and tolerate his misuse of my loving self. But enough is enough; I'll skip the part where I lost my determination. By the day of the hunt Mike had already spent not just the previous three days getting ready, but also a good chunk of our very limited income making ready for his rigorous day of hunting. He explained he needed an abundance of 12-gauge shotgun shells and every accessory the store carried that pertained to rabbit hunting. On the chosen morning I just slept in, knowing that it would be a long lonesome day. I had no children to care for or distract me, we had no TV, and the web and DVDs would not be invented for decades. He took our only car, and we lived too far out of town to walk anywhere, so I was stuck. Rabbit hunting was only in season during the winter, so there was no gardening or other outside work. I mostly muddled around and wished I had a book to read. I read a lot during those days. About an hour after dark he would stumble in the door half-frozen, smelling like blood, guts, and other filthy things. He always—always—returned from the hunt with a blinding migraine headache. He never spoke as he handed me six or eight stiff carcasses. I knew by the motioning of his head he meant for me to do something proper with them. By that time the poor old rabbits had ridden on his hip for most of the day. They were ripe, foul, and disgusting. That was exactly how I was feeling. Hey, but I was a Created lady in the making and I was not going to let a small thing like being expected to skin and clean a few rotten rabbits (then figure out how to make them taste decent) deter me. After two or three hunts I knew the scenario. He first took something for his migraine and then a long soak in a deep hot tub. After that he was ready for a good hot meal, but only if I had finished cleaning the rabbits and gotten the awful odor out of the kitchen. For the next couple days I would wait on him hand and foot while he recovered, and then the process started all over again. Every year I was sure he would grow out of his obsession for rabbit hunting. Finally it happened. That was when he took up...well, that's another story. Why am I badmouthing my husband about something he did 40 years ago? Well, memories might be old, but so am I, and they are still there in my brain just as fresh as the day he handed me my first batch of six dead rabbits. I smile as I look back to those crazy days and I smile as I try to write to all you SANE females. I want you to know you are not alone in your quandary of having a husband that is too obsessed to do what he should be doing when he should be doing it. Let's face it: most men are given to obsessions, for even if they are good obsessions they are still obsessions. These obsessions come in many forms. Some are evil (I will not address these problems), but most obsessions are just an expression of the male’s will to conquer and dominate his environment. Many men, deprived of an environment where they can meet challenges in the real world, resort to watching someone else conquer on the field of sports. They know the names and the accomplishments of men who played years ago. Who could possibly care? They do. Some men like to fix up cars. Old cars, big trucks, fancy cars, weird vans, or even tractors. I'd be embarrassed. They’re not. Other men like to train animals, usually horses. This seems more “normal” to me, but not much. It still seems close to childishness. Some men are into hunting and fishing. The country boys where we live are mostly of this addiction, so it seems almost normal to me. And then there are those men who just like to work. Work is a sport, work is a challenge, work is fun. They don't necessarily want to run the company; they just like to see their contribution making a difference. They are movers and shakers. They have ideas and like to run with their ideas and make things happen in a big way, no matter how much they have to sacrifice. They see that what they do makes life better for a great number of people. Now, this kind of man seems stable to me. Alas, Mike was never in this particular category. Have I missed your man’s obsession? Well, feel free to write in your own paragraph. I am sure there are thousands of other strange things that capture the minds and hearts of men. It is not as if your man has a disease and is abnormal. Almost every male I know is or has at some time been afflicted with this obsessive-compulsive disorder. The big question is how we, as stable, hard-working, family-committed wives, respond to what feels to us like an unhealthy imbalance. I said it “feels to us like an unhealthy imbalance.” We can cultivate the feelings that cause us to criticize and feel self-pity, or we can change our Stinking Thinking and discover a balance that keeps us from becoming the Crazy Lady I described in Created To Be His Help Meet. The pity party will not win his affection or compliance, at least not the kind we desire. I veto this strategy. Another common approach is anger. I’ve tried this before. I am talking about a real fit-pitching, foot-stomping, “you get your act together or else” anger. Or else WHAT? You don’t even want to go there. Nip this one, too. I’ve even tried winning him away from his obsessions with my sweeter side. It distracted him for a few minutes; then he was back to being focused on his obsession. I was more irritated than ever. Then there is the idea to make him obsess over something that you want him to obsess over such as starting his own business or ministry. Most ladies would love their husband to obsess over the family. Don’t hold your breath. Some ladies want their husbands to move, get involved in the latest political crisis, or another dozen or so things we regularly hear in our letters. No matter how worthy your dreams, a man can’t obsess over your obsession. It is not in his nature. The sooner you learn that, the happier you both will be. What's a lady to do? Some ladies get a life. Sometimes it is the only remedy. The problem is that when he comes off his high, he wants you there to clean the road kill, and if you are too busy to be his help meet, then what you're doing is not good. Sad, is it not? So what is the answer? How does a woman stay loving, kind, and sane when her husband spends much of his life obsessed? I found an answer for me, but it would not work for all ladies. I worked with Mike, I learned to sort of enjoy his type of working and playing, and when I couldn't be a part of his obsession, I studied. I love learning, so it became my sidekick. I never signed up for classes. I went to the library and got books on many different subjects. That is how I knew how to run a business when God opened up the possibility of No Greater Joy Ministries. At a yard sale 15 years earlier I bought a set of tapes and books on the subject of managing a company. I studied while the kids slept. When To Train Up A Child was published, I was ready and able. The trouble is that not all women like to study, so my solution will not work for everyone. While I was contemplating and writing this article, my oldest son Gabe stopped at our house to borrow our four-wheeler to go pick up a deer he had killed an hour earlier. He seemed the right kind of man to ask (obsessed), so I said, “What can a woman do that would help her stay happy if her husband was obsessed with some project or sport or even work?” His reaction was classic. He threw back his shoulders and lifted his head, making him look seven feet tall, but he still looked guilty. “Why?” When I explained the unchallenging nature of my question, his stature relaxed and he had a ready answer. He said he knew a lady who was married to a man that was obsessed with working. Mr. Workaholic loved his line of work and could not leave if he was needed. So after his lady raised a houseful of kids, she took up a competitive sport and has become successful and satisfied. Not my cup of tea, but hey, it worked for her. This is all very amusing as I write, but I know there are women reading this article that are weeping because they feel so deprived of their husband’s love and attention due to his obsession. I wish I had an answer for more of you, but alas I don’t. But I know among our audience there are hundreds of ladies who found a way through this abyss. What was your solution? How did you maintain being a godly wife while your crazy husband worked or played too long, too much, and too hard? Do you have an answer for the thousands of frustrated wives out there who read our literature that need a way to make it through cheerfully and constructively? What have you done that could help others learn how to grow as a person so that they no longer need to control their husband’s man-thing of obsessing. If you have managed to break your husband’s spirit and turn him into a submissive, mindless robot, please don't write and tell us how you did it. I don't want to know. I am not looking for ways to change a man, break a man, destroy a man, or generally make a man into a woman. I am looking for ways you have found that caused you as a woman to grow to meet this challenge. My experience tells me that nearly all men, maybe all, have a tendency to obsess. This should ring a bell in your mind, a bell that says this is a natural man-thing. If that is so then God must have given females the means to have the woman-thing reaction that is both resourceful and constructive. The man-drive could have been put there for a number of reasons—good reasons. Survival has often depended on man being obstinately driven. Look how a man cuts firewood and stacks it for the winter, or how he gets a building project started and works night and day like his life depended on it. It may be a farm combine that must be fixed to get the crop in or just a motorcycle he is overhauling in the garage, but he is driven to ignore the clock and all things and people around him until he completes his job. It is the way of men, necessary in more trying and demanding times but often out of place in our modern world. Today, men are forced into cultures where the man-drive is not so necessary, but that doesn't make the drive go away. Of course, the Scripture teaches a man needs to learn temperance—but from God, not their wives. This article is not finished. I have deliberately left you hanging. I want your input. If you have some good ideas I may just publish it in your name, unless you indicate otherwise. So share with the other frustrated ladies how you adjusted to this man-thing of obsession. Our next article is going to encourage wives to grow, stretch and become a woman of character that stands to serve and honor her husband but also stands strong in her own drives and hopes. As long as your mind is focused on just tolerating his “problem” then you lack personal growth. The Scripture has an interesting way of bringing to our attention how we often can't see our own lacking. “Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?” (Matthew 7:4) Join the conversation at PreparingToBeAHelpMeet.com. We will be posting many of your letters there. Until then...just be thankful you’re not being handed six stiff, foul rabbits to clean. There’s always an upside. Your job is to find it.

Need a Spouse…ANYONE?

Debi Pearl — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:05:41 +0000

We have three sisters who live in our area. They are blessed to have a very wise and caring older brother. I know this to be so, because once in a while he will send word that one or all of his sisters are to show up at his church (an hour’s drive from their home) or to some social function. The girls once explained to me that when their brother gets to know Godly young men, he sets up scenarios for his sisters to meet these possible suitors. So far, none of the sisters (all under 20 years old) have found spouses, but no doubt they will, because their brother is looking out for them. About now, most of you are probably asking, “What about their dad? Shouldn’t that be his responsibility?” Maybe, maybe not, especially for the search part of it. Consider this: In this particular case, the brother is in the same age bracket as the potential suitors. He will get to know the guys in many situations, including when their guard is down. And, when it comes to arranging a meeting of the guys with the girls, he is not nearly as scary as Dad would be. The potential suitor would be more comfortable working through the brother to arrange a casual meeting with a sister than he would working with a dad who might make too much out of the young man’s agreement to meet one of his girls. Most young men would like some time to get to know the girls without being put through the wringer immediately and without making a commitment to the father before they are sure they even like the girl. Due to the current conservative, complicated courtship hoops through which young men are expected to jump in order to get a sweetie, many homeschooled young men are opting out. They are finding their spouses outside the “courtship pool,” leaving a lot of young girls unsought after and twiddling their thumbs at home, waiting for someone who is off fishing in easier waters. All three of our girls, Rebekah, Shalom, and Shoshanna, got to know their prospective spouses due to their brothers’ previous acquaintance with them. Gabe was always actively checking out guys. As he got to know the young men, he informed us of their potential. Most of them did not meet with his approval, and that pretty much settled it for us. Gabe might in passing say that this guy is lazy. Yuck…who wants a lazy son-in-law? Occasionally he would say, “I like that guy. He works hard and seems to have genuine love for God.” The unsuspecting fellow automatically got placed on our “potentials list.” When opportunity presented itself, I invited him to dinner and treated him real nice. Of course, most of the young men that we surveyed never knew what we were up to, but neither did they ever ask for one of our girls. Just think what they MISSED! Scores of young men asked for Shalom. She was gentle, cute, hard-working, and always cheerful, in addition to being the most compliant girl you have ever met. But before they ever made it to our door to talk to Daddy Mike, most of them were already discounted as possibilities. Gabe or Nathan had seen to that with their reports. Big brothers were watching out for their sisters, especially the sweet one. Of course, the sisters also tried to return the favor. They visited and got to know girls the brothers would mention. “She’s moody; strike her out. She’s lazy; zip. She talks bad about her daddy; boo on her. She’s cheerful; check her out.” Mike tried to help the boys by bringing girls in to visit or sending them off to meet girls, but his taste in females and our boys’ taste in females were never the same. Dad struck out as the matchmaker every time. I didn’t do much better, although I kept trying, bless my ever-loving heart. I guess the moral to this tale is—Brothers, do your duty! If you have older unmarried sisters…shame on you. Get out and meet some men who might be a proper match for your sisters. Invite them home, plan a big feed. Talk to your sisters. Talk PLAIN, bold and direct with them. Tell them what each guy likes and dislikes, his dreams and his ambitions, his taste in food and styles. Talk to your guy friends. Say something like this, “Hey, you looking for a bride? I got four sisters and would consider it a privilege for you to drop in and take your pick. My parents trust my judgment and I’m giving you high marks. Of course, my sisters are picky, and they have the last word, but I’ll throw in a good word for you with them, too. Now, the oldest sister is kinda bossy, but she always gives in after a little persuasion. She’s the smartest. So if you think you would enjoy a little challenge but get a good mate for the extra effort…she’s your gal. My next sister is not so cute, but she is the nicest of the bunch. Whoever gets her will do well, because she already makes a pile of money in her business. Then, maybe you like loud mouths. My third sister is for sure, but she can make everybody laugh. She is the life of the party. I have to admit, I like taking her with me when I travel because she gets to know everyone so easy. You’re kinda quiet, so she might be the best for you. My youngest sister is still too young for marriage, so just forget about her unless you want to go on her list of possible guys for when she gets a little older. If you’re interested in her, I can e-mail you in three or four years. So how about it…wanta check out the fam? I got four other guys coming Sunday for brunch, so you better hurry if you want the pick of the litter.” Perhaps you think I am a pretty bold old lady. You just might be right. Then again…maybe I’m a smart, bold old lady. But what I do know positively is that I have ended up with five good sons and daughter-in-laws and 15 grandkids with many more to come—no old maids or sons living at my home! Love, marriage and the baby carriage make life so sweet. Wise up, you brothers. A bunch of good sisters are sitting at home somewhere waiting…and waiting…and waiting.

Holy Matrimony

Michael Pearl — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 14:05:55 +0000

Origin of marriage

The marriage of one man to one woman is the oldest institution on earth, predating all religion and government, inaugurated in the Garden of Eden by the Creator himself. The incarnate son of the Creator, Jesus, said, “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain [two and no more] shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:4–6). The traditional view of marriage that has come down to us from antiquity is shared by peoples of every culture and language, and reflects quite well the Biblical definition of marriage as being only between a man and a woman. History, likewise, reveals that all governments and religions have assumed that marriage is an unalienable human mandate from God, thus pre-existing government, and that it is therefore beyond its jurisdiction. Legislators and rulers have seldom attempted to tamper with the private nature of this covenant between a man and a woman. Where legislation has been passed in regard to marriage, it has, with rare exception, been to protect the sanctity and independence of this fundamental human right. In fact, previous to the last fifty years or so, the march of history had tended toward increasing respect for the distinctive autonomy and sanctity of holy matrimony. As the collective states became more enlightened, they increasingly legislated against polygamy, incest, abandonment of children, and the patriarchal abuse of the female in marriage. The United States has demonstrated in its tax codes a vested interest in protecting the autonomous freedom of marriage. But an “invested interest” separated from the Biblical and traditional concept of a lifetime covenant between one man and one woman provides no protection at all to marriage as God has ordained it. And so it is that, until recently, the states have not attempted to offer a definition of marriage different from the traditional assumptions and practices.

Role of the State

Let’s be very clear: the established record of history has consistently indicated that the state does not create the right of marriage. As a part of its function, it acknowledges and protects certain rights, duties, and privileges of both the husband and the wife, as have been well-defined by the common practice of otherwise diverse cultures and religions. Historically, governments have guarded the sanctity of marriage more consistently than they have other unalienable rights, such as liberty, property, and freedom of association. Where the state has failed to protect the inherent nature of holy matrimony, by allowing polygamy or preventing mixed-race marriages, it was understood by all, and eventually was so demonstrated, to be the result of corruption and injustice in that state. The state, being secondary to the institution of marriage, has no jurisdiction to redefine the nature of marriage, as in so-called same-sex “marriage.” Even in ancient Greece, where homosexual activity was common, same-sex relationships were understood to be the aberration—equal to adultery—while heterosexual marriage was understood to be the norm. History has consistently demonstrated that there resides in our human nature an innate knowledge that marriage—for it to be true marriage—is altogether consistent with the Creator’s intent as revealed in the Bible.

History of holy matrimony

Most of my readers will agree that holy matrimony is not the product of the state, but few understand that it is likewise not the product of the church. For three hundred years after Christ, the church viewed marriage as primarily a private matter not requiring ecclesiastical or state sanction. It was understood that marriage predated both religion and the state, and did not look to either for its legitimacy. The early church devised liturgies to celebrate the Eucharist, Baptism and Confirmation, but no such liturgy was created for marriage. It was not important or required for a couple to have their nuptials blessed by the church. Men and women of responsible age could marry by mutual agreement in the presence of family and friends as witnesses. The first detailed account of a Christian wedding in the West dates from the 9th century, and it was identical to the old nuptial service of Ancient Rome—looking to neither the church nor the state to authenticate the union. Of course, the members of a congregation took a great interest in the union of a young couple from their ranks, which is why those marriages were celebrated with family, friends, and fellow believers. But the right to marry was assumed to be a common-law right from the Creator, predating the church. However, throughout the Middle Ages, churches often recorded the names and dates of marriages, as well as the children of that union. After printing became common, the old family Bible became the authentic record of births, marriages, and deaths. Until 1545, all marriages in medieval Europe, including Christian marriages, came under the jurisdiction of common law. Holy matrimony occurred when two adults declared themselves to be husband and wife and then consummated the marriage in a one flesh union. Self-declared marriages were recognized as valid, even in the absence of witnesses. The concept of a third-party “marrying” a couple was foreign to them. For those living in that time, it was inconceivable that a man could have any authority to join a couple in holy matrimony. God was understood to be the one who “joined together” a man and a woman, and he had already established the point or kind of union and its primary purpose—sexual intercourse. It was understood to be within the power of a man and a woman to commence a life of union as they pleased. The couple would publicly promise themselves to each other—called a “verbum sap” (Latin for “no more need be said”)—and then assume the duties of husband and wife, and that was marriage. When family structure and economic conditions made it possible, there were wedding feasts and celebrations surrounding a marriage, but the blessing of an ecclesiastical or civil authority were unwarranted.

Marriage not the domain of the church

How did marriage come to be viewed as the domain of the church? In the sixteenth century, as many Roman Catholics were discovering justification by faith and leaving the fold to become Protestants, the Roman church launched a counter-reformation. In an attempt to delegitimize Protestant marriages, the Roman Church abolished “clandestine” marriage at the Council of Trent (1545–1563), ruling that in the future, a marriage would only be valid if it were performed by a Catholic priest in the presence of two witnesses. Of course, this transferral of marital authority into the hands of the clergy did not affect those outside the Roman church, where marriage by common consent continued to be the norm. Since it had become traditional for the Roman Catholic Church to recognize and record marriages, in the Protestant community separation from the old hierarchy left a vacuum that was soon filled by the Protestant states. By the 1600s, many of the Protestant European countries initiated the state’s involvement in the institution of marriage. England abolished clandestine or common-law marriages in the Marriage Act of 1753, requiring marriages to be performed by a priest of the Church of England. This law did not apply to Jews or Quakers. It was an “inner church/state” act. All countries in Europe have now abolished “marriage by habit and repute”, with Scotland being the last to do so in 2006. In the United States, new common-law marriages initiated in a state are still recognized in Alabama, Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Texas, Utah and the District of Columbia, and in Canada, several provinces recognize them.

Licensed by the State

At the age of eighteen, when I was “ordained” by the Southern Baptist Church to preach the gospel, they steered me into applying to the State of Tennessee for a license to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. That also gave me the legal status to perform weddings on behalf of the state. I accepted the whole process as needful for what God had called me to do, not in the least understanding the implications behind it all. It is downright scary to me to think back now on what they and I did. Think about it. It was God who created sexual beings and ordained their marriage, and it is HE who joins them together so that no man can put asunder that union. And it is HE who commissioned me to preach the gospel and commanded me to go forth, but I ignorantly subjected God’s calling to the state and asked their permission to obey God. In exchange for that “submission” on my part, the state delegated to me the authority to act as a proxy for them in granting what had been public domain for six thousand years of human history—holy matrimony. The state can only license that which is under its jurisdiction. And anything it licenses can be forbidden or regulated. In short, to receive licenses is to acknowledge the state’s supremacy over that activity, and it is a surrender to state control. I applied for and received from the state a driver’s license, by which I acknowledge the state’s jurisdiction over the road systems. By being a license holder, I place myself under the penalty of law for violating any state regulation covering the use of public roads. I have no problem with being so licensed. I acknowledge the state’s jurisdiction over the roads it has built and maintains. I also recognize that without my consent, the state can change the laws at any time, and I am responsible to submit to any revision. To receive from the state a license to marry is to acknowledge the state’s authority over marriage. What it licenses, it can un-license. One person can go to that state and have their contract of marriage dissolved. Why? Because the two parties of the divorce signed away their rights to “until death do us part” when they received a state license. The state is not bound by the verbal covenant you made in church. The state, by our consent, has made itself higher than our sworn covenants, higher than the church—higher than the God who ordained marriage. It was not always so. It is now. All praise to the state supreme? I praise them not!

Redefined Marriage

Now that we have finally granted the state jurisdiction over marriage, it has taken upon itself the authority to change the rules that have been in place for the past six thousand years of human history. As of this writing, five states—Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York, Rhode Island, and Iowa—recognize same-sex “marriage” as legitimate marriage. Vermont will soon follow, starting September 1, 2009. California was recognizing same-sex “marriages,” but later revoked the right. The battle is not over. It is under judicial review. Marriage licenses that once had lines for the signature of Bride and Groom now read Subject A, Subject B. When your daughter gets married will she be A or B? According to those states, she cannot be a “bride.” That is now politically incorrect discriminatory language. The first country to allow same-sex couples to enter into legally recognized “marriages” was the Netherlands, effective in 2001. Since then, six other countries—Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa, Norway and Sweden—have followed suit. Same-sex couples can be “civilly united,” but not married, in 16 other countries and in specific jurisdictions within five others. Even Israel recognizes legal same-sex marriages from other jurisdictions, but does not perform its own same-sex marriages. Political and legal debate continues in over two dozen other countries and in multiple U.S. states. Californians will lose the battle against having their marital status degraded and viewed as on par with an abominable perversion. Now that we have surrendered marriage to the state, it can now be redefined to the lowest denominator. Six thousand years of tradition will not affect this “progressive” trend. Biblical principles were disregarded 150 years ago. The opinion of the majority will have no meaningful bearing. The courts will overrule millennia of acceptable tradition and the will of the people.

Sodomite Agenda

Sodomites are seeking to redefine marriage in the courts and statutes to include same-sex unions. If their concern were just to obtain the same legal benefits enjoyed by traditional marriages, they would be satisfied with “domestic partnership” or “civil unions”. But no, they want much more. They want to legislate the beliefs, attitudes, and values of people everywhere! It is not just legal standing they seek; it is complete social and moral approval of their chosen, self-felt immoral degradation. Marriage, necessarily requiring a man and a woman, has by nature been an institution of exclusion from other “pairings” of people for sexual gratification. It has earned respect and honor as a sanctified and worthy institution, the place where future generations are incubated and nurtured. On the other hand, sodomy, by its nature, has historically been understood by all cultures to be an aberration, a perversion, unworthy of praise. Queers are tired of being queer. They want to escape the stigma their sin carries by joining the ranks of the holy—holy matrimony. Proponents of same-sex “marriage” regard it as a human right to be able to enter into “marriage” regardless of sexual orientation. I agree that Sodomites have a human right to do the wrong thing, to do harm to themselves, to be ignorant or stupid, but there is no human right to constrain others to approve or legally validate that choice. Just because one is free to choose does not render all choices appropriate. But it is not really the right to choose they seek; it is the denial of our right to choose otherwise that is at the forefront of their campaign. Maggie Gallagher of the National Review says same-sex “marriage” advocates seek to use the law to “stigmatize, marginalize, and repress those who disagree with the government’s new views on marriage and sexual orientation.” Sodomites want you punished for making them feel ashamed or guilty. They will not rest until it is illegal to quote the Bible regarding the sin of sodomy. You can be certain that, within the next few years, homosexuals will be a protected species and heterosexuals the endangered species. They will use the courts to purge society of the last vestige of negative speech or discriminatory actions. There is no stopping it, short of a nationwide repentance of true saints for their faithlessness in praying for those in authority over them, “that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty” (1 Tim. 2:1–4). And, God willing, that revival may be the spark that God will use to ignite another revival of the godless among us to repentance for their hell-worthy sins.

Dishonest argument

Defenders of traditional marriage have already lost the battle out of timidity. They argue that marriage is for procreation, something same-sex partners cannot do. What about sterile couples? Should they be denied the right to marry? Defenders of traditional marriage argue that “heterosexual couples provide the procreative foundation that is the chief building block of civilization, and that children are best raised with a mother and a father.” No doubt true, but what of all the single parents? Others argue that same-sex marriage is contrary to traditional marriage. So what? does that make it wrong? Others put forth religious objections, to which the other side quickly reminds us that religion is often on the wrong side. Defenders of heterosexual marriage argue that “the definition proposed by same-sex marriage advocates changes the social importance of marriage from its natural function of reproduction into a mere legality or freedom to have sex.” That might have been a good argument for the Puritans three hundred years ago, but it is embarrassing now. What I am attempting to convey to you is this: It is ultimately futile to reject same-sex “marriage” on such flimsy grounds as those listed above. Most of you by now should know that such arguments are our last stand after having abandoned our real belief—Sodomy is hurtful sin. Anything else would be like the arguments used against premarital sex that point to “how unfulfilling it is to get involved too early.” Good luck with that argument. You can voice all kinds of arguments about the social implications and what is best for the rearing of children, but that is nothing more than a smoke screen for a faith-grounded worldview. We do not want our holy marriages identified with same-gender unions because we know homosexuality to be an ugly sin, totally contrary to the will of God as revealed in the Bible. Period. Are we ashamed to voice our real position? Probably not. For some it is easier or a matter of expediency not to “say those words.” Others are not ashamed, but have not sat down and clearly thought it through and measured their thoughts by Scripture. We know that government no longer recognizes the authority of God, and for that reason has lost its original reason for protecting the sanctity of marriage. When God was displaced with human rights, it left a vacuum of authority. The State stepped right in and filled the void on behalf of the people. Why not compromise some so-called moral issues and try to accommodate all of its citizenry? If homosexuals want to be included in the bonds of matrimony, who are we (the State) to say it is inappropriate? A break with tradition, yes. Contrary to the comfort zones of many, so what? They will get over it. If there is no longer a moral Lawgiver, all that is left are the feelings and passions of the people. And why should the majority deny pleasure to the minority? “If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?” (Psalm 11:3). Offering feeble arguments about the functionally and social superiority of our position is a pitiful, losing argument. Rather, let us speak the truth, proclaiming that Jesus is the Creator, the Bible is his perfect word, we will all stand in the judgment to answer for our deeds, and homosexual acts are sinful, ending in eternal damnation for all those who practice them. And our closing statement can be, We will not accept a license from the government that views our holy marriages on a parity with a couple of Sodomites trading HIV viruses and adopting kids they could never produce. Through the power of Godless judges in the courts, sexual deviants are pushing the State to grant them the same license that once only legitimized holy matrimony. There is no stopping the flow. One state after another is falling to their persuasion. If not already, in your state you will soon find yourself standing beside a grinning queer who holds a marriage license identical to yours. If you speak against it, you will soon find yourself in court. The only recourse when snakes get in your boat is to get out—fast. When it becomes a snake boat, I will swim or find another boat. When your state declares your marriage license to be fully equal in all respects to a Sodomite’s, it will be time to repudiate the state licenses and climb to higher ground over which the state has no jurisdiction. They can recognize the civil rights of a perverted union if they please, but we will maintain ground that is faith-based and divinely protected.

Confusion

The problem that has arisen today to monumental proportions is simply that the State should never have been granted jurisdiction over holy matrimony. “We, the people” are responsible for letting this happen. Marriage has never been a political construct until this last generation. To demand that the State protect the sanctity of holy matrimony is to burden the State with enforcing a position that assumes the authority of the Holy Bible, which they have abandoned. It will never happen in the United States of America, nor anywhere else in the world.

Proposal

I will offer you a practical solution. When your state grants marital status to same-sex partners, send the state notification of your revocation of your state marriage license. And then as a couple, draw up a document that you file in your local courthouse that declares your marriage to have occurred on the date you were married long ago, including city, county, and state, with a brief statement about the Biblical nature of your covenant before God, and then signed by the two of you and witnessed by two friends. It is a retro-marriage covenant—not a license. When I first shared this with my wife, she freaked out and said she did not want to get a divorce, just to be married again 38 years later. No, your rejection of the state license will not be a divorce. You are just acknowledging that the state never had jurisdiction over your marriage and that your marriage has existed, and does exist, apart from the state. We expect the state to continue to recognize our marriage, granting us all the protection and rights that marriages have traditionally enjoyed. It will just give us the satisfaction of stepping out of the circle into which the queers have stepped. The document of marriage you draw up and witness will have the force of law when it is witnessed and filed at your local courthouse.

Better late than never

Several years ago, a couple with several children came to me with a concern. When they were young, they had run away to get married and then came back home declaring themselves to be husband and wife. But they never had a ceremony before a preacher or a justice of the peace. It was a common law marriage. It was now a concern to them because of the legal consequences of not being married in the eyes of the State. What if one of them died? What about property rights, etc.? So I drew up a document much like the one I am advocating that stated the early date of their marital union and declared them to be married from that date to the present, “until death do they part.” They signed it and my wife and I witnessed it, and they took it down to the local courthouse where it was notarized and filed. It took five minutes and cost $.50 plus the cost of gas. It is a valid marriage contract.

Private covenant marriage

All of my children but one were married by private contract. They did not ask the state for permission to marry. I wrote a one-page covenant for them, something like a private contract, that stated their commitment to enter into holy matrimony according to Biblical precepts, a few of which were enumerated. The contractual part of the wedding consisted of their verbal pledges of marriage and their signing the pledge in front of all present. Parents also signed the pledge, committing to the union, and then siblings and friends signed it as well. In unison, all present pronounced them man and wife by the power vested in us from God. They later took a copy of the document to the courthouse and had it notarized and filed. They have never failed to gain equal status before the law as being legally married.

Need your help

I am not an attorney. Many of my readers are. Lend us a hand. Research the statutes for us, and draw up a one-page marriage covenant that we can make available to our readers free. Also, please draw up a document that we can file with the courthouse that rescinds [rescinds, nullifies, sets aside, revokes] a state marriage license already in force. Email that to me with or without your credentials. If you wish, I will include your credentials on the instrument you create for us, including any contact information you may wish. But, of course, you may remain anonymous. If you do want credit, please send us a letter of consent to publish it free of charge in our publications. ______________________________________________________ (Our Biblical grounds against same-sex marriage: Genesis 19:5, Leviticus 18:22, Romans 1:22–32, 1 Corinthians 6:9–20, Jude 1:7, Isaiah 3:9)

They won’t mate!

I hired a young boy to help do some chores around the place. Our first job was to gather up the old hoses and irrigate the garden. But the hoses had many cuts and leaks, and some had broken couplings, so I purchased a sackful of brass couplings and hastily repaired the hoses. When I finished fixing them, I told the boy to hook them up and run them down to the sprinkler in the garden. After thirty minutes, he was still running back and forth, dragging hoses this way and that. I asked him, “What’s the problem?” In complete frustration he replied, “There is something queer about these hoses; I can’t make them fit together, no matter which way I turn them.” I examined the hoses and discovered that on one hose, I had put a female coupling on each end. Laughing heartily, I said, “You got that right; there is no way to mate two females. The couplings simply can’t couple.”

ALONE

Carolyn — Fri, 15 Feb 2002 12:00:59 +0000

Although I had been in church all of my life and had been taught out of the Bible, I was not saved and did not know anything about being a wife. As I look back, I now know that I made many mistakes in my relationship with my husband. I am 50 years old and have essentially been alone for 21 years. I never thought this would be my life. At no time did it cross my mind that my husband would ever leave me. Although I had been in church all of my life and been taught out of the Bible, I was not saved and did not know anything about being a wife. As I look back, I now know that I made many mistakes in my relationship with my husband. Today, I see and hear young wives, and older wives as well, thoughtlessly making those very same mistakes with their husbands. They take for granted that he would never leave and file for divorce. After all, aren’t they both in the church and share that lifetime commitment? This sense of security seems to give them the feeling that they have the liberty to take a spiritually superior, adversarial stand, in myriad ways, against the wrongs, failures, and inadequacies of their husbands. I see it as either ignorance or a refusal to obey God’s injunction to wives, or a combination of both. This is why I write my story—lest you follow me down the same path. I cannot answer for my husband’s failures. Who was most to blame doesn’t matter now. If I had known then what I do now about God’s commands to wives, what a man needs, and what I could do to fill those needs, it may have made all the difference. Older women have failed to teach younger women how to love their husbands. An important point I want you to know is that much of the time, these things I did or failed to do were not everyday, not always overt, in-your-face actions. They were subtle, ebbed and flowed, but were there nevertheless, just enough to be a constant reminder to him that his wife wasn’t entirely pleased with him. When my husband acted selfishly at home, allowed his temper to flare, and then went to church and acted spiritual, I gently withdrew from him emotionally, letting him see my cynicism and lack of confidence. I wish I had prayed positively for him, trusting God, openly showed love and acceptance of him for himself, not waited until he acted right. When he failed our child, failed to have devotions, failed to be spiritual, failed to lead like he should, I was ‘privately’ disappointed, but he knew it. I wish I had completely trusted God and maintained unity, honor, reverence, and submission with a glad and trusting heart. When he made a statement about someone or something, I often countered, putting his opinion down, letting him know he was wrong. I wish I had understood about “chaste conversation” as described in I Peter. When he acted like a jerk, instead of letting him know what I thought about him and his actions, I wish I had remained quiet and prayed for him, loved him anyway. When he tried to make up to me for some failure, I wish I had not been so cool, waiting for him to be more intense and sincere about it. When he spent money I thought we didn’t have, it caused me anxiety, and he knew it. I wish I had shown continued confidence in him, regardless of his decisions. When he wanted me to do something, and I didn’t want to do it, I wish I had cheerfully complied instead of making him sorry he asked. Hardheadedness is not a trait to endear any woman to a man. When he needed someone to believe in him, admire him, approve of him, accept him, regardless of his failures, I wish I had been the one to give him those things. Maybe he would not have left and found another woman to take my place. When I thought that keeping his faults before him—just small things he did and said—and keeping myself a little standoffish in my approval of him, was the only way he would change, I wish someone would have taken me aside and told me how badly mistaken I was to think that it was my place to apply and keep the pressure on. When he did not know how to show love, and I felt a void emotionally, I gave up, turning to friends and family for my emotional support and needs. I wish I had borne all things and hoped all things, loved him steadily and fully, unconditionally. I never saw the need to endear myself to him. I took for granted that he would fulfill the husband’s moral obligation to love me. I wish I had gone to “God’s Beauty School” for the whole woman, spirit, soul, and body. Time passed. I never knew my marriage was being strangled to death. Separation and divorce came. I was shocked, terribly scared, and ashamed. I was one of those women who thought that it would never happen to me. I felt like a failure. As someone so aptly stated, “Divorce is like a death, except that no one comes to bring food or comfort you.” When my husband left, we were plunged into near poverty. He no longer felt the natural desire to protect and support his family. I received the minimum child support. At the beginning, once in awhile, he would stop by to see what we were doing—I think out of guilt. One morning, not long after he left us, I tried to start the car to go to work, but it would not start. I didn’t know whom to call and had no money for a mechanic. I went back into the house, sat on the sofa, scared of losing my job, ready to cry, when my ex-husband drove up. When I told him about the car, he said—completely at ease and unmoved—“That’s too bad. I feel sorry for you,” and casually drove off. It really hit me then. I was alone, so alone. When the house and car needed repairs, there was little or no money to have the work done. So things slowly fell apart. I dreaded the summertime. As I drove away to work in the mornings, I agonized over my child having to stay in the house, behind locked doors, alone for 10 hours a day. I couldn’t afford a babysitter or find someone willing and trustworthy. She was too old for childcare centers, but still too young to be left alone all day. Even in her younger-teen years, it was hard for her to be alone all day. At the beginning, when my child was sick, there was no one to stay with her unless I took off from work. And then there were the week-long bouts of colds, flu, ear infections, and other normal sicknesses. No job allows enough sick time to cover the worker and her child. I became ill with a long-term, debilitating condition, made worse by always having to be alert, day and night, as a single mother, living on the edge, always tired, always stressed. But, I had to continue to go to work every day, no matter how bad I felt. I had no choice. God was faithful to us. He was with us and intervened with his help many times. We never went hungry or cold. In good time, God gave me a family in the church that stepped in and were there when I needed them, for the long-term. They will never know what an enormous impact that had on our lives. They were a gift from God. But the loneliness at home, the feelings of rejection and abandonment, the financial struggle, were all still there, every day. The stress and loneliness I experienced over the years was a combination of many things, but if I had I known and obeyed God’s plan for wives early in my marriage, my life could well have turned out very differently than it has. Today, as I finish typing my story, I will go home to a little house trailer which I rent. I will eat alone. I will count the hours before bedtime. I call my daughter and the grandchildren, but they have their lives, and I want it to be so. God has been very gracious to me, but I am aware that I have missed the best he had to offer. Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. (Gal 6:7). As the Pearl’s personal secretary, I read the letters you send to this ministry. I see many of you doing the same things I did, but you don’t believe that this could happen to you. In fact, you may well be thinking that it would be a relief if you could get your husband out of the house. You think, “Well, I’m healthy and strong. I’m emotionally secure. I can handle it. I would get a good job. I have family around that will help. I have a good church that would support me. I would go get counseling, etc. At least I would have peace in the house, and could then live as I wanted to. I wouldn’t have all the problems to contend with.” These are all things that wives may think. But I know better. The facts of history have proven this outlook to be empty lies. I hope this will be a wakeup call to those wives who are deluded into thinking that they have liberty to be the Holy Spirit and judge to their husbands. It will never, never work, and you may end up like me. Isa 48:18 O that thou hadst hearkened to my commandments! Then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea: Carolyn

Questions a Wife Can Ask to Tear Her House Down

Debi Pearl — Thu, 15 Feb 2001 12:05:12 +0000

Proverbs 14:1 "Every wise woman buildeth her house; but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." 1. Do you feel comfortable spending that much money buying that ________? He begins to doubt his ability to make wise decisions. 2. Are you sure God wants you to work at that job and be away from us all the time? He wonders about his reasons for working there, even though it is a good job. He remembers he has had opportunity to witness. Yet? He grows unsure of his own leading. 3. Honey, I need to ask you something very important that really tears me up inside, does this activity not grieve your spirit? The Spirit of God had been prompting him concerning this, but he was trying not to hear; almost he brought the subject up himself last evening, but now she is disappointed with him. He suspects he is not spiritual, but somehow the whole thing makes him angry. He feels pushed. 4. Why don’t you ever want to go with me to ________? He doesn’t feel comfortable around those people, they seem so artificial, and their kids are whiny jerks. The man talks in a quiet humble way which grates on his nerves, it just seem so “put on,” but his wife doesn’t see it that way. He guesses he must be carnal. Somehow he just doesn’t care anymore. 5. Before we were married you read your Bible; at least you said you did, why don’t you ever read and teach me and the children? He has a vague memory of enjoying reading and relating to how scared Moses was of the job God gave him, but somewhere he just lost interest. He supposes he is backslidden. 6. Why don’t you spend more time with our sons? The thrill of having boys has faded. The few times he has disciplined them, his wife talked with him later for being harsh. Maybe he was. He likes being with the men better; anyway, they are mama’s boys. Not that they are sissies, they just have this close, talky, relationship with mama. He feels separated. He’s not that type. He can see the accusation in the boys’ eyes; it is reflected from their mother’s eyes. Same questioning look, which provokes in him the same feelings of condemnation he gets from being around her. He thinks, “I am a real jerk. I wonder if I’m even saved.” 7. Do you ever think of just loving me in the spiritual way instead of the carnal? I am so hungry for some deep spiritual understanding and communication. Something deep inside him is so dissatisfied, so frustrated that she responds only when she feels right about it. It speaks nothing of his manhood. His soul is sick all the way to its core. He falls asleep dreaming of the woman he met in the store today. God, help his filthy soul. 7. Sweetheart, why won’t you have devotions with us? We want you to lead us in prayer and help us grow spiritual. The Bible says you are our spiritual leader, why, why will you not lead? He laughs inside himself, “Are you kidding? I can’t do that. I would feel like a total hypocrite. I can’t teach them about something I don’t know. I’m out of here.” He leaves, or works, or watches TV all the same; it is his escape. 8. Why do you think the pastor said that about Charles? Don’t you think it was cruel? Sometimes I wonder if we should go to Church somewhere else. Angry bile seethes in him as he listens to her tell the story for the fourth time. He silently contemplates, “The pastor’s a jerk. He’s not any better than anyone else. I don’t know what makes him think he’s so righteous.” 9. Poor Charles, it is so sad to see what the preacher’s mean words have done to that family. Don’t you think we should do something about it, like call and let them know we love them and don’t agree with the pastor, because I am so hurt at the pastor myself? Frustrated at his own failures, and bitterness at others has run its course and is now bearing fruit as he silently surmises: “All those self-religious people make me sick. I don’t care what they do, but they will not do it to me.” 10. Honey, its church time. You need to get dressed. What! are you not going? But you always go to Church? Do you think you should let a silly thing like that business with Charles, keep you from worship? What about the boys? You’ll be a bad influence on them, don’t you care? 11. Jane, I want you to know that without your close, loving friendship, which I turn to everyday, I would never be able to get through this loveless marriage. He is so cold and distant. He doesn’t care about the children. I don’t know how I could have been so deceived into thinking he was a fine Christian man when I married him. Will you ask the girls to pray for him this week at our women’s meeting? Proverbs 14:1 “Every wise woman buildeth her house; but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”