No Greater Joy Ministries » Relationships

Only One Life

Ben Sargent — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 14:01:39 +0000

Man, it’s quiet around here. Deafening actually. Mansquared, the baby of the family, left a week ago today for his first semester at a four-year college. He gained that moniker, Mansquared, from his big brother Firstborn because, well, he’s as strong as any two men multiplied. Firstborn’s a sizable fellow as well, just a tick under six-feet-five and an established military man. He finished his degree in political science and is now improving the world by making us all safer, having just completed his second deployment in a faraway land. Two mighty men, almost ten years apart, who have kept their virtue. Oh, and we also raised three virtuous daughters as well, who, thankfully, look like their mother. Our eldest daughter Punkin’ and her husband Mr. Perfect are busy raising two sons with a third grandbaby on the way. As singles they both served the Lord as missionaries, and did so again as a married couple. Our middle daughter Peaches is the family brainiac and an English fanatic (another trait she gained from her mother), who super-achieves in all she endeavors to accomplish, and who glorifies the Lord with her violin. And then there is Miss Gail. She is the family artist. Only God himself could give talent like she possesses from two parents who can’t draw a box if you spot them the first three sides. She can draw a picture that looks like a photograph, or a caricature of it, too, if she’s in the mood. All five children have honored the Lord in foreign missions as well as in the local assemblies where they have lived. And we couldn’t be more pleased. As my friend Donny has said many, many times, “We didn’t have ‘em to keep ‘em.” But man, it’s quiet around here. We sure didn’t have them to keep them. We just didn’t realize that 28 years was going to go by so quickly or that the quiet would be so incredibly loud. The boys aren’t playing their guitars, Peaches her violin, or Miss Gail the piano. Punkin isn’t directing traffic in the kitchen or challenging anyone to follow her on the next mission trip to…wherever. “The Lord will provide!” she would say, and sure enough, he would. No one is asking, “Daddy, what does it mean if your car…” There’s just quiet.

“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:4

Too often this is where Mom and Dad look at one another and think to themselves, “Who on earth are you?” They raise kids until their tongues are hanging out from exhaustion and lose sight of each other. Even worse, they lose sight of their first ministry, which is to each other. 1 Corinthians 7:4 says, “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” Serving one another and caring for one another can easily be lost if raising the kids becomes the priority in the home. Worshipping God and honoring him should be the priority. When that is done, then Mom and Dad have the opportunity to rally together to bring up the children in the “…nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Eighty percent of leadership is our personal example. We wanted our children to know we loved one another and that we were still in love. There was that and, well, we wanted to stay in love. We wanted to be like that couple we saw when we were traveling. We were young with all of our stair-step children. The couple was not young, but they held hands. And they matched colors. They looked at each other with their age spots through their watery eyes with utter adoration. As we approached them with our little herd they stopped, looked up at us, and the old man said, “You’re so rich!” I said, “So are you, to still be in love.” The old lady proudly proclaimed, smiling, “We still work at it,” and I could see that was true. So we worked at it—worked hard at times, and at others just enjoyed the fruits of our efforts. Our first night alone I said, “Well, we did it. We raised a family.” She put her head on my shoulder and said, “Dad, that was fast.” It was indeed. And now as the deafening quiet has set in (at least we can finally hear each other!) we look at one another with hearts broken from joy that we had such a wonderful privilege, but with equal joy that we got there together, in love. - Ben Sargent (life-long friend of the Pearls)

Six Ways Parents Destroy Their Children Without Trying

Michael Pearl — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 14:05:47 +0000

God promises, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Parents, who see one of their children hit the fan, often have a hard time appreciating this verse. In fact, as the homeschool movement ages there are more and more parents claiming the verse does not mean what it says, because it didn’t hold true in their experience. Here are just a few of the reasons a child is lost to the world and how parents caused it to happen without even trying. I say “without trying” because when children turn out poorly, as many do, parents are at a loss as to why. It is always unexpected—certainly unplanned. An eighteen-year-old is unthankful and rebellious, walks around like the family is his enemy and he has been enslaved and abused by them his whole life. Anger is his first response to everything and to nothing. If you view old TV programs made 50 years ago of families relating to one another, they look like today’s ideal Christian homeschool family. Daddy is respected and honored and Mother is cherished. Family problems were always resolved with good cheer and forgiveness. Teenage morality was taken for granted. The future was bright and full of hope, and there was no state of rebellion in the kids. In contrast, modern TV and movies usually represent today’s average family—accurately I might add—as dysfunctional psycho wards of vindictive anger and disrespect. In most movies the family is already divorced or going through the painful process. If a movie were made with a teenager loving his parents as they love their children and each other, and everyone with good cheer and hope for the future, it would be considered corny and unrealistic to the point that the only people who could relate to it would be the ones who stopped watching TV thirty years ago. So I am going to tell you how kids come to a ruinous end without their parents exerting any effort or attention to the process at all. In fact, that is the first step toward sabotaging your children’s future—no effort and no attention.

1. Get so busy providing for them that you don’t have time for them.

Children are like plants growing every day. They need regular attention and direction.

When children turn out poorly, as many do, parents are at a loss as to why.

I plant a garden every year. And about half of the time I wait too long to stake my tomatoes. A small plant doesn’t need staking. and I tell myself I will stake them before it becomes critical. But it may rain for an entire week, or I get busy doing something else and can’t get around to it. The plant gets so big the stems fall on the ground. When the leaves of a tomato plant are exposed to the soil they quickly develop disease. When the fruit touches the ground it will rot about the time it should be getting ripe. This year I had a second late patch that I intended to stake but waited too long. I finally staked them but too late to prevent the disease. It is not what I did; it is what I didn’t do that spoiled the crop. So it is with children, they need constant pruning and fertilizing and training to grow up instead of down—to reach for blue skies instead of crawling along the ground. So the worst thing you can do for your children is just ignore them and allow nature to take its course. Plan on training them but never get around to it. Children need the constant sunshine of their parents’ smile and approval. They need to be pointed in the right direction day after day. They need admonition like a plant needs fertilizer. And as water activates the fertilizer, making it available to the roots, smiles activate our admonition making it available to the soul of the child. Children raised right grow up right, no exceptions. It is God’s certain promise (Proverbs 22:6).

2. Set a bad example.

The second thing parents do that will assure a bitter outcome for the children is to set a bad example. Some people would say fighting in front of the kids has negative consequences. All fighting whether in front of the kids or in private will be destructive, but the most destructive things is not the fighting as much as how you fight and how it is resolved. I have known families that had big fights, but—I hope you can understand this—their fights were not personal. They were resolved as publicly as they were waged, and the public displays of anger did not create deep hurt in anybody. There are some loving souls that express themselves loudly and with emotion. They punctuate their points with explosive words and gestures, but they are equally as effulgent in their make-up and passionate love. Kids come to understand the heart of their parents and are more influenced by their intentions than their rhetoric. A wife of a certain temperament can scream at her husband that she hates him, and the children hear her saying, “I love you so much, you exasperate me to the point I could kick you just before we make love again.” The kids know the outcome is going to be as always, Mom and Pop making up and saying they are sorry and that they didn’t mean it and melting in each other’s arms. Public fights should be resolved in public so the kids can see the process of how it is worked out and how forgiveness and understanding occurs.

So the worst thing you can do for your children is…plan on training them, but never get around to it.

I have seen other families where the parents were careful to never fight in front of the kids, but the children are able to see the tension and ill will building, and they observe it being taken into the bed room where they occasionally hear muffled but raised voices. The parents come out not speaking to each other, followed by hours or days of emotional distance. Now that kind of fighting is indeed harmful to the children. They are able to read the souls of their parents and they feel the bitterness and hate in every moment of silence and self-control. Bad example. Leaf blight. Rotting fruit. The bad example extends to every area of life. Any discipline you want your children to have you must exemplify it yourself. You can set a bad example in criticizing others, in carelessness with money, unthankfulness, unkindness, laziness, irresponsibility, and more. Be what you want your children to be and you will be providing the best training possible.

3. Expressing displeasure regularly.

This is a biggie. It is so subtle that parents don’t even know it is happening. I have observed parents relating to their children in intermittent displeasure and seen the negative effect it is having. When they ask my advice I have pointed out their destructive tendency to always criticize or show displeasure with their child. They are usually shocked and unbelieving. “I love my children,” they exclaim. And I respond, “But?” They fill in the blank, “But, he is so stubborn and willful, always doing the opposite to what I tell him.” And with exasperation, and what I detect as anger, they say, “I have spanked him and it seems to do no good; I just don’t know what to do any more.” I follow up with, “You say he is stubborn most of the time; how do you respond most of the time?” She answers, “Sure, I am displeased; what else could I be; I can’t be happy when he is so stubborn.” It is a vicious cycle. A child’s bad behavior provokes looks of displeasure and looks of displeasure provoke bad attitudes leading to bad behavior. I have said it so many times. If you cannot train your children to do as they ought, it is far better to lower your standards and enjoy them as they are than to allow your looks of displeasure to become the norm. A kid may grow up to be undisciplined and self-willed, but there is no reason to add to it a feeling of being unloved and unable to please.

Any discipline you want your children to have you must exemplify yourself.

I am not suggesting that there is not a remedy that solves the bad behavior. I only emphasize that a vital part of stopping the bad behavior is to cease the cycle of looks of rejection, followed by more bad behavior, followed by more looks of rejection, followed by “I hate you and never want to see you again; why did you have to be my mother/father?” I have spoken of it elsewhere, especially in my DVD, The Joy of Training, and the article, The Flavor of Joy (found in the back of To Train Up A Child), so I will not go into detail here, but suffice to say, child training is causing the child to want to please you and be like you. They will want to please you only when they find pleasure in your presence. You must become the vital source of their joy if they are going to give up their rebellion and choose to exercise self-discipline and self-denial.

4. Not enforcing boundaries.

The next best way to destroy your children without trying is to fail to enforce boundaries. It is easy to do—to not enforce boundaries. Just love your kids and believe they will turn out OK as long as you do not create any self-loathing or feelings of rejection like we talked about above. Smile and believe in the innate goodness of their sweet little hearts, and trust that someday they will grow up and take responsibility for their actions. It is easy to avoid enforcing boundaries because it is the path of least resistance. You don’t have to stir yourself or upset the kids. Let them do as they please—free expression, you know—and they will become your average normal reprobate. But at the least you won’t look like the party pooper. It is a do nothing job that has been left undone by millions of parents. If children all came into the world disciplined and wise and willing to deny their impulses for the greater good, we could just leave them to free expression, but every parent knows better. All children come to us innocent but fallen. They are hedonistic, self-indulging hippies in their natural state. Left to themselves they will bring their mothers to shame (Proverbs 29:15). Adults are supposed to be mature enough to choose the virtuous path and do what they ought to do even if is contrary to their desires. That is character, something that you’re not born with; it has to be developed. And children don’t have character unless they are properly trained. Children do not see the need for self-denial or self-restraint. They feel desire and they do what feels good. So if a parent does nothing, their children will become quite schooled in the dark arts of self-indulgence. Therefore, parents must constrain their children to right behavior. In time their moral understanding will develop and they will begin to choose good, even when it is contrary to their carnal desires. Character is formed, and as training continues his character grows stronger until he matures into an adult.

5. Leaving them to choose their friends.

Many parents have done a good job in training their young children, and have put them on a path of virtue, but in their early teens they are influenced by their peers and yield to temptation while knowing it is not the right path. Even well trained children are flesh and are capable of falling into sin—just as is a moral, disciplined adult. Kids are not wise. They do yet understand the consequences of wrong choices. They need guidance and oversight until they are about twenty years old—sometimes a little older. About the time kids graduate from college they are wise enough to discern good from evil. If you disagree with that assessment, explain spring break at the beach, or fraternity initiations. Woe! It all starts very young. You must choose the social circle for your children and guard it. The quickest way to throw your children away is to enroll them in daycare or preschool or first grade. You lose all control over their friends, and they will become part of the social pool, eventually reduced to the lowest common denominator. If your child shares a pool with kids where just one of them has crapped in the water, your kid is swimming in crap. A few good kids don’t keep the water clean, but one bad kid pollutes it for everybody. I cannot remember the good kids in my third grade, but there were a couple bad ones I will never forget. I can remember their foul words and deeds to this day.

It all starts very young. You must choose your children’s social circle and guard it.

This is probably the hardest thing for a parent to do. It requires great effort and constant vigilance to sift your social circle. There are times your kids will not understand, and there are times that other parents are offended, but a mother hen should guard her chicks against the foxes and coyotes, regardless. It may require an adjustment to your lifestyle to protect your kids. A chicken that has roosted under a chicken hawk nest needs to move even if it is inconvenient. If your church is full of public school kids, you will need to keep your children at your side all the time and not allow them to get personal with a child going to public school. It becomes impossible to limit the social contact of a teenager in such an environment. They shouldn’t have the burden of constantly choosing or eliminating people from their acquaintance. Find a social circle that is righteous and productive where you have nothing to fear from 25 of the teenagers getting together to play soccer or go roller skating together. Remember, they will evolve from you providing their complete social circle to choosing for themselves. You cannot control them past the age when they grow to be autonomous, so you must train them to wisely chose their friends. For the time will come when what you say has little bearing. Train them before they are ten and you can trust them when they are twenty.

6. Finally, you can destroy your children by not giving them any responsibility or holding them accountable.

Remember the key ingredient is “without trying.” Neglect or preoccupation is the culprit. It is operating under the assumption that somehow everything will work out. You are best suited to the task of training your children when you work under the assumption that they are destined to ruin unless you get proactive and do some things much better than the average parent. Responsible action is the duty of all people, and accountability is the inevitable result of being part of a society where the principle of cause and effect is well understood. When there are two people in the room, insofar as they can have an effect on the other, each is responsible for his actions, and the law of love makes us responsible for our neighbor’s well-being. “Let no man seek his own [to advance self], but every man another’s wealth” (1 Corinthians 10:24). Seek to advance the wealth of your neighbor. You should give your children responsibility according to their ability. A child who can walk should be held responsible to pick up his dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket, clean up spills, and place his toy and books back where they belong. This is the foundation of all future responsible actions. As they get older, they should be responsible to do their share in domestic chores. They should be held responsible to keep up with their boots and shoes if they take them off outdoors. If a kid loses his shoes he should have to work to make the money to buy a used pair at the second hand store. Even a five-year-old can appreciate the value of responsible action when he has to pay the price for irresponsibility. If a teenager throws a ball through the window he should pay to have it repaired. Accountability is what you demand and exact when they are caused to answer for the way they have handled their responsibility. If you fail to hold them accountable, they are in fact not responsible. It is much easier to do it ourselves, but the children must learn, and the burden falls on us to stay involved for their sakes. I have observed a beautiful principle. The children most accountable to act responsibly are the happiest and most secure in love and grounded in good will. You learn to love your neighbor one act of caring at a time. This could have been a list of ten or fifteen ways parents destroy their children without trying, but these six are about all we can stand in one dose. I still believe the Word of God when it says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). I know there has been a movement to disbelieve the passage as the Holy Spirit inspired it, but the fact remains that when they are trained right they stay right without interruption until they are old. I am an example of right training, as is my wife. My five children were trained in the way they should go and I now see all twenty of my grandchildren (more on the way) being trained that way. I expect a continuance of 100% positive results just as God promised. I will not lower the standard, and you should not lower your expectations because of the poor results others are experiencing. It is difficult in our world “to train up a child in the way he should go,” and some very good and sincere people fail, not for want of personal righteousness, and not from want of trying, but from want of training the kids in the way they should go. Those who fail should not deny the standard but humbly admit their failure to have trained properly. They can analyze the reasons for their failure and have added wisdom to contribute to those parents who are still in the game training their kids. Finally, if you have young children still in the process, but your oldest son has been a disappointment, don’t give up. Humbly ask your wayward son where you went wrong. It doesn’t matter what you said, or what you did, or what you intended; the bottom line is what did he believe and feel. If you cannot let go of the anger and resentment toward him or you spouse, and you cannot humble yourself enough to listen to him instead of condemn, then truly there is no hope for the rest of your children. I have seen families lose their first child to the world, but take it as a wakeup call, and revive their hearts and efforts, resulting in saving the other children from the same fate. Even if you failed with your first child, the promise is still true and you can “Train up a child in the way he should go,” knowing of a certainty “he will not depart from it.”

Seeing Through a Glass Darkly

Debi Pearl — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 02:05:56 +0000

Twenty-two years ago a wonderful, sweet, darling two-year-old boy, whom I loved, came down with a fever. Within 24 hours he was dead. During the days after his death, while the family grieved, I kept his baby brother. I remember staring at my sweet Rebekah and feeling a sense of relief that it was not she who was taken. “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” What I am about to say will be hard for many of you to understand, but as an older woman I feel compelled to speak. Death is not the worst enemy. When I was a young mother, this truth was simply beyond comprehension. To lose a child was my worst fear. I avoided long bridges because I was afraid I could not save all my children if the car plunged into the water. I carefully chose cars by the ease of opening the safety buckles and doors—just in case. I studied medications, familiarizing myself with potential problems and learning how to use alternative medicines. My natural instinct to protect my children, regardless of the cost, was in full operation. God gave me that instinct. Along the way, other children whom I knew died, and I continued to cling to my children, trying to guard their safety. Yet how frail my efforts would have been if death had come calling. When you are young and raising a family, death seems to be the ultimate loss. The grief is a pain you can only know first hand. When we are young, we see through a glass darkly. As we grow older, life is not as big as we thought it was when it was all before us. Life in this flesh is quite temporary. I am not so old yet. Life is still precious. Death is still the enemy. I continue to cling to life, not only my own, but to that of those I love. Yet, my clinging has changed. Somewhere over the passing years I realized death was not the worst enemy. Grief over death stopped being the worst grief. I can now see just a tiny bit clearer through the dark glass. Eternity is so eternal, so terribly final, so completely forever. Death is not final. By the grace of God, it is not without hope. There is something yet beyond. Temporarily saying goodbye, even to a child, is still temporary. There will be a glad tomorrow. At the parting of death it is our own loss we grieve, not the child’s, who has gone into the presence of God. But there is a loss into the darkness of eternity that is far more than the loss of temporary separation. The older you get, the more you see the real enemy; you learn to recognize the real grief. It is not a temporary parting that brings apprehension, but knowledge of certain and eternal judgment awaiting your child. The pain of that rebellious child seeking a life of destruction is a thousand times more grievous than losing a baby. That mother I spoke of earlier, the one who lost her baby, suffered another, far greater loss years later. She lost her second son to the devil. Looking back, she now admits it was her own selfish grief and bitterness. It stole her joy, leaving her without a smile to nurture her living son. I heard her say 14 years after the death of her son, “It would have been easier to have also lost this one to death as a baby than to see what has become of him now.” I remember when I carried my first child in my womb; I had waited for 3 years, and when I finally got pregnant I was the happiest person I had ever known. One day, as I practiced childbirth relaxation, God spoke to me. I believe He told me to give the child I was carrying to Him. I began to cry and beg God not to take the baby, all afternoon I wrestled with my own feelings and what I believed God wanted of me. Finally, in great grief I surrendered the child to God. As the days passed, I was totally thrilled and amazed that nothing happened. When the baby was born strong and healthy, I knew God had something bigger than what I had feared. Still, I saw through a glass darkly. Life and death were the only two “biggies” in my life. Thereafter, as each child was conceived, I eagerly gave it to God. Throughout their childhood I had instincts just like every other mother. I would protect my children at any cost. Instinct, although an overwhelming feeling, is just instinct. Even mother animals will die protecting their young. Oh, mother, if we as young mothers could just get a vision of something greater than instinct for our children, and begin to feel just as urgently for their souls, how different it would make us. Things that appear as tragedies are not so tragic. If as young mothers we could have eternity in our eyes. Older mothers, God-fearing mothers see more clearly. Whether it is age or spiritual maturity, I don’t know—maybe both—but it is not for their lives we fear; it for their souls. We are still stirred to pray for their safety and health, but our consuming prayer is that they overcome all the snares and diversions this evil world can offer. Where once a mother begged God's protection for her child, she now begs Divine intervention at any cost (including life or limb). No, death is not your greatest enemy. Death brings a temporary sadness, a time of great loneliness, but in Christ there is always hope. Your greatest enemies are those vying for your child's soul. People often ask me how I could ever let my daughter Rebekah go to the mountains of Papua New Guinea. What they don't understand is that I let Rebekah go years before when she was still in my womb. Yes, I have fears, but there is great hope. There is great joy. There is wonderful peace in knowing this is only temporary. I shall see her in a few months, or maybe in a few years, but most assuredly I will be with her again. There is no grief, there is no pain, there is only a glad tomorrow. Yes, I cry when she leaves, and I wander from room to room for a few weeks. When there is word she will return I clean and clean, and buy her clothes and talk and cry some more. But, mother, what would it be like if she were to disappear from home, leaving in anger and rebellion? If I knew she left with a man I didn't like or respect. Weeks pass and there is no word, there is no hope. Grief? That is real grief. You think because they are grown you cease to feel? Death is such a simple thing compared to this grief. You lose a child to death, and everyone understands your sorrow and shares your pain. But lose a child to Satan's grip and you are an island alone, buffeted on every side with such turmoil, such pain, sleepless nights, exhausted prayer, and hopelessness. Grief? Only the older mother understands eternal grief. Only the older mother can look in the face of a young mother and say, train your children to obey, raise them to love God, be real in the home, so much depends on it. When you are a young mother raising a family, it is so easy to care about your own feelings, your own hurts, your little fuss with your husband. Oh, but Mother, there is coming a day when your own feelings, hurts, and fusses will seem so immaterial, so silly. It is that atmosphere emanating from your relationship to your husband, your attitude and responses that help decide your baby's future in eternity. It is not your child training techniques; it is who you are today. It is how you respond to life's ups and downs and to life's grief and joy. It is how you honor your husband, thus how you honor God. We go through life so protective of our children’s bodies. Let us as mothers early look to the protection of their souls. The enemy is not death. The enemy is not outside, lurking to get in; the enemy is a mother’s heart dedicated to a mother’s feelings. It is our own selfishness, our own anger, our own bitterness, and our own disappointments. The enemy is Mother, doing what is right in her own eyes instead of obeying God. God, grant us the wisdom to get beyond instinct to the wisdom of true love. God, grant us hearts to see, to feel, and to live with eternity in our eyes. “The aged women likewise, that…they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children” (Titus 2:3-4).

Go, and Sneer No More

Debi Pearl — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 02:02:24 +0000

Over the last 40-plus years, we have watched couples fall in—and out—of love. In many cases, the ones we were certain would make it did not, and those we thought would surely end in divorce thrived in love. So what’s the secret? There are many dynamics in marriage that make it fail or flourish, but over the years there is one underlying element that has proven to be the deal maker or breaker. I don’t know if it is the cause or the symptom, but it is a certain marker…sitting in the seat of the scornful. A family full of scorn is a family headed for ruin, for scorn is the soul in decay. It is finding fault and deriding the failures of others while believing oneself to be somewhat better. The family piles into the family van to head home from church, and within seconds Mom speaks. “God help us, Mrs. Don’s makeup is so brazen it’s embarrassing.” The children register their mom’s remark while their minds take them back two minutes to when Mom stood by the van laughing and talking with Mrs. Don as if they were best friends. Mrs. Don has often entertained the children and done other nice things for their family, but… Dad interrupts, “That d@# preacher needs to learn to tell time. The deacons have warned him several times, but he doesn’t know when to shut up.” The kids see their mother’s instant disapproval for Daddy using the D-word. They know that mama reeeeally likes the preacher because she calls him every time Daddy does something bad. Something uglier than damn has taken hold of the children—it is called disrespect. And the disrespect in the children’s souls is not confined to the preacher or Mrs. Don; it is becoming a part of their worldview, and it will be directed toward the parents soon enough. Mom thinks her glance of condemnation will clear the air, but instead it further tears down the family. The next time she seeks the preacher’s advice, the children will sneer. Teenage sister is giggling with brother, “Did you see those geeky shoes Sara had on? Man, I would die before I would walk around looking like that. She is such a dork.” Sara is sister’s best friend, or at least she used to be. “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful” (Psalm 1:1). Note the digression from walking to standing to sitting. The practice of scorning quickly becomes a permanent post. As a general rule, the disease of scorning is most prominent in Christians who deem themselves most separate in doctrine and righteousness. Just as none are so obnoxious about diet as the health-food nuts, none are so obnoxious about lifestyle as fundamentalist Bible-believers and elitist homeschoolers who deem themselves above common practitioners. This is bad because being scornful has a huge negative impact throughout life. All that church-going homeschooling parents try to pour into their children will be cancelled out with this one bad habit of scorning. Children who grow up in a family where scorning is common will be molded into a worldview that will shape their choice of spouse, the way they relate in marriage, and the way they raise their children. A young girl who grows up hearing scorning will become a scorning wife. The first time her husband is a jerk—and he will be—she will resort to the lower instincts she has learned and scorn instead of pray and forgive. Her new husband will experience scorn instead of biblically mandated reverence. The equation reads like this: Her scorn = his lack of love. When they come for counsel, she will demand that he love her as Christ loved the church, and he will sheepishly tell us it is hard to love her, and we will know why. How can a man truly love a woman who treats him with disdain and disapproval? The recipe for a good marriage doesn’t include a pinch of scorn. But the husband may have come from a scorning family, so he will have scorned her family before they were married, which makes her feel justified in her contempt toward her husband. This equation reads like this: disrespect breeds disrespect, or scorn brings on deeper scorn. And like Thanksgiving turkey, it becomes a family tradition. One reason scorn, and thus divorce, has skyrocketed is the diminishing of community. People once lived and died around the same group of friends and family. People had to learn to treat their lifetime neighbors with some degree of respect. When you knew a girl might grow up and bear your grandkids, you learned to hold your ridicule if she appeared to be a little dumb. If you thought a boy could grow up and marry your daughter, you didn’t want him labeled too poorly. In that era, self-preservation depended upon the advancement of everyone within the circle. Everybody in the community was important to the community as a whole, and faults were better tolerated for the well-being of all. As a child, I knew of a family that had six daughters. The only thing I can remember about this highly intelligent, correctly religious, successful pastor’s family was the constant run of ridicule that prevailed in his household, usually directed toward a church member for being stupid, ugly, or messy. The pretty girls all married, divorced, remarried, and divorced again. Pastor Dad finally got involved in an affair, bringing his marriage to an end as well. Blessed is the family…that sitteth not in the seat of the scornful. Many of you reading this were raised around a table of scorn. You will most likely marry spouses from families that nit-picked their church members as they drove away from church each week. Or perhaps it was the previous church that they carefully dismembered. The infectious disease of mockery takes its toll. Usually the ridicule will not be harsh and is not meant to be cruel; it takes the form of offhanded remarks said in order to disparage the other. Perhaps the most damaging type of denigration for a child is when he thinks that his parents truly like and respect someone, and then as soon as they get in the car he hears the parents’ disdain for that person. Raining down dishonor on the teacher or preacher who is teaching the child the Bible will cause the child to lose his reverence for God and will surely lead to the child’s rejection of God. It doesn’t matter if the preacher deserves the reviling; is the venting worth the damage done in the heart of your child who heard you give your “spiritual” opinion? This two-faced diet breeds more of the same. Critical spirits don’t have just one home; they migrate and multiply like seed ticks. Wife against husband, husband against wife, and then children against parents; and when sin is conceived, it will keep your teenager from ever developing a healthy fear of God. Without fear of God there will be no wisdom. Fools—that’s what you will be raising. “How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge?” (Proverbs 1:22). So in the end, you might save your marriage if you happen to have married someone who doesn’t equal you in sneering, but unless someone else intervenes, your children will bear your sin and pass it on to your grandchildren. The moral of the story: Go, and sneer no more. ~ Debi

Count Your Blessings

Debi Pearl — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 16:30:33 +0000

God gave instruction concerning thankfulness over 3000 years ago. It is an important subject that is so easy to take for granted and even dismiss. He says, “Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name” Psalm 100:4. This ageless, wise advice has shaped the lives of millions. It is only in the last few years that secular health researchers have discovered that thankfulness makes us healthier and happier. It was while I was sitting in the hospital waiting room, whittling away my time reading secular magazines, that I stumbled across several articles concerning this very subject. It appears that research now confirms that people who show gratitude are healthier, sleep better than their ungrateful peers, have better relationships, and generally have more productive lives. Voilà! One such research test was done at the University of Manchester, England, where 401 people filled out questionnaires that rated their gratitude. The response showed those who scored highest in gratefulness slept longer and better than less-appreciative participants. Thanksgiving is an outpouring of the very root of the soul. It is a reflection of the heart. It reveals peace. It is the presence of goodwill toward others. It is easy to understand how a person who goes to bed with negative thoughts will be too troubled to sleep well. As I thought about thanksgiving, the ramifications were endless. Thankfulness is key to honoring God, worshiping God, and serving God. It paves the road to a wholesome life, a restful life, a peaceful life—a happy life. Wow, how important such a simple thing as being thankful can be! How easy to lose sight of this simple act, and it is an ACT of the will, something you CHOOSE. Thankfulness is an act of the will. It is making a conscious decision that God is worthy and should be praised and thanked no matter what the circumstance. When we have that attitude toward God, we stop having a critical attitude toward others. We look at every event as an occasion for learning. Have you ever felt like your life is just wasted? You are treading on unthankful waters. Expect to sink. Have you ever just brooded and wished he wouldn’t . . . ? Go easy, it sounds like a lack of gratitude is stealing your peace. Would you like to see someone fail, really hit the floor? Hmmm . . . read on for SURE. Thankfulness Several years ago some old missionaries sent me a book they had written called An Attitude of Gratitude. What they lacked in ability in writing, they made up for in a life of thankfulness. As I read their story, it struck me how they found joy in the smallest things of life and covered a multitude of sorrow with thanksgiving. On the cover, their old faces were wrinkled with lines as they smiled at the camera. As I stared at their picture, I felt their thankfulness. I am sure it was and still is a sweet savor to God. I have often asked myself, is my life a reflection of that kind of gratitude? Our natural bent is to be unthankful; most people go through life feeling unhappy, and this is an affront to God. It is a silent scream that we are dissatisfied or unthankful. It is a child’s natural reaction to whine and gripe about his food, clothes, or any other thing he wants. To ignore this as an ugly attitude that will pass is training him to dishonor God with a spirit of unthankfulness, and it is setting up his life to be one of discontent. But how can we train our children to be thankful if we, ourselves, live in that state? When my oldest daughter was about 12 years old, I suddenly woke up to the fact that she lacked joy in her life. As a young mother, I wanted her to be happy, to thrive, and to find great contentment in creativity, but I had no idea how to make this happen. One day I was reading aloud Psalms 30:9–12 when I noticed my younger children dancing around with their hands in the air. I glanced down and read again, “What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth? Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.” That day I set up a homeschool project for my daughter. She was to find all the words in the Bible that were connected with the word JOY. Over the next few weeks, her notebook was filled with verses on thanksgiving, dancing, laughter, sacrifice, and gladness. She taught me as she studied. What impressed me more than anything was the fact that thanksgiving was a sacrifice of praise and worship. Sacrifice—something I did that was not a natural happening. The opposite would also stand true. Being down-in-the-mouth was unthankfulness, which would be an insult toward God. I have a naturally upbeat personality, but there were times when I was stressed and I immediately recognized it as what it was—unthankfulness. So I ask myself, what is a source of stress or ingratitude in my life? Sometimes, it is a simple thing, such as being under too much pressure to perform—basically, too much to do with too little energy to see it through. Mike always says life is better if you organize and manage. Hiring a young girl to help homeschool, clean house, and cook helped me get focused on important issues. I traded vegetables with her mother because we didn’t have money to spare for paying a helper. The results were wonderful. As my daughter continued her study on joy, I continued to search my life for ways I could dwell on thanksgiving. God began a work in both of us; really our whole family benefited from this study. The word of God was quick and powerful in our lives as we sought to honor God through being thankful. Bitterness For some people, the issue of unthankfulness runs much deeper. I must admit after all these years of counseling that my first thought when I think of an unthankful person is that bitterness has taken root. Bitterness is a very troublesome word and certainly a taxing state of mind. The worst thing about bitterness is that it is so catchy. It is like the pandemic flu that all health officials dread. Some people spend their whole life in a state of bitterness and never recognize it for what it is. They are just vexed in their souls about so-and-so or this-or-that. Bitterness causes a person to perceive hurt. Hebrews 12:15 says, “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” God says look diligently because it takes real focus to avoid catching the flu of bitterness. A young man is bitter at his parents, and he marries. Bitterness does not allow his brain to ever really rest. His mind is forever devising contrived conversations that will convince everyone how terribly he has been treated. These unsavory thoughts spill out, defiling those around him. It is sad how bitterness defiles whole families, following generation after generation. A mother who is bitter with her husband passes it along to her daughter and causes that young girl to be irritated and take offense, often blaming her hormones for her anger. Her life becomes one of being annoyed. Her husband walks on edge, wondering what will set her off. Or in many cases, it is the man who is mad at the world and makes his family miserable. Bitterness never stays put; it eventually spreads to taint how you react to your spouse, fellow worker or boss, and folks at church, and as you raise your children, you will become bitter toward them and they you. They grow up viewing life through your bitter, ungrateful eyes. Sleep eludes the bitter soul. Restless nights give evidence of a troubled mind and an unthankful heart. Don’t let bitterness eat away all that is joyful and good in your life. Take a good look at yourself instead of looking at others, and declare war on unthankfulness. God can do for you what he did for me. He is waiting to hear you say, what is it in my life that makes me unthankful? His WORD is effectual. It is alive and working, able to change you as you study it. Open your Bible and do a study on joy or thankfulness. Look up every time the words appear, and list the words it is coupled with. Then began to choose thankfulness—all day, every day. Practice saying thank you to God. When you feel sad, mad, depressed, or irritated, STOP and (out loud) thank God that he is able to change your heart and break this chain of unthankfulness. Our lives are meant to be filled with joy, gladness, thankfulness, and rejoicing. It is praise to God for us to live our lives in this state. Anything less is . . . well, we will not go there. Enough said. Rejoice; and again I say, rejoice.

Yes Daddies and Amen Mamas

Michael Pearl — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 17:00:54 +0000

In the March-April print issue of NGJ magazine, you read the article “Be a Door Opener Not a Door Shutter.” This is a follow-up, also taken from a book in progress, Traditional Child Training.

You cannot be the No Daddy; you must be the Go Daddy. Don’t just fence him off from evil influences; open the door to a world that is more exciting and promising than anything the world has to offer.

Recently a father drove his truck up alongside of me while I was grading the driveway and asked if I had a few minutes to talk. I pulled the tractor over to the side of the lane, and he parked his truck beside me. I sat in the tractor seat and he leaned against the grill of the truck as he began to express his concerns. This is country pastoral counseling at its finest. This father has two grown girls, now married and having children of their own. They are his beautiful fruit, but his garden is not fully harvested. He has children not yet in their teens. He started out by saying, “I have done well raising girls; it was easy. But I am uncertain about how to relate to a boy who will be going through puberty pretty soon.” I could understand his consternation. Raising girls and raising boys are as different as raising fainting rabbits and wolf pups. Girls can become a problem if they are not made to feel loved and secure and protected from the world, but, with rare exception, boys are going to be a problem no matter what—to various degrees. His son is only about seven years old, so now is the time to make course corrections. It could be too late by the time he turns thirteen and turns on to his maleness.

Young life is a constant process of discovery. The world is filled with wonder. Take your son (and your daughters) into the thrill of learning and doing.

The father asked, “What can I do now to make sure I have his heart?” He understood the issue. There is no way to impart to a child the wisdom and skills he will need to cope with the world when the lights start flashing and the world’s door swings open to him. He will need continual guidance until he becomes a man. If a father doesn’t have his son’s heart, the boy will pass it around until someone or something locks it up in a dirty place. Father will stand outside weeping, wondering where he went wrong, wishing he had made a course correction when his son was seven years old. So at this critical moment in this father’s life, I needed to give him a simple answer that would point him in the right direction. I answered, “To keep his heart you must be a door opener and not a door shutter. You must be his most vital source of all things interesting and exciting. He must value a relationship with you because he sees you as an open door to all the good things life has to offer.” He asked, “How do I protect him from worldliness?” Your son may interpret your protection as shutting doors. It is a negative response. You cannot be the No Daddy; you must be the Go Daddy. Don’t just fence him off from evil influences; open the door to a world that is more exciting and promising than anything the world has to offer. If you give your son a life of promise you need not be concerned that someone peddling a lesser product will steal his heart. Young life is a constant process of discovery. The world is filled with wonder. Take your son (and your daughters) into the thrill of learning and doing. Kids love to be good at something—anything. They feel good about themselves when they are succeeding, when they are winning, mastering, developing skills, and conquering. A happy child will climb to the top of any dirt pile and think himself the better for it. A group of kids will play “king on the mountain” seeing who can stay on top and push everyone else off. If you are the parent always saying, “Don’t get your clothes dirty…play nice…get down from there you might get hurt…” you will be the door shutter and they will not enjoy your presence. But if you laugh yourself silly over their antics and brag on the way your little man tumbled from the top of the dirt pile with minimal scrapes and bruises, encouraging him to try again, he will always want his number-one fan around.

You must be his most vital source of all things interesting and exciting. He must value a relationship with you because he sees you as an open door to all the good things life has to offer.

If they are taking piano or violin, they will expect you to arrange for company to sit down while they perform. They want the applause. If there is no applause in your home, you are in danger of losing the hearts of your children. When my two youngest daughters, Shalom and Shoshanna, were about nine and eleven years old they decided to investigate an idea we had entertained for several years. We live in Middle Tennessee in an area of limestone ridges. Our 12-acre bottomland pasture is bordered by a ridge about 100 feet tall. During the cold winters, we observed that the area around a gopher hole would be covered with ice crystals. I had often commented that it indicated a deep hole, perhaps a cave. So on a fine summer day the girls decided to take shovel and pick and discover their very own—never before seen by human eyes—cave. After about four hours of digging nearly straight down, they encountered solid limestone rock, but the gopher hole continued through a large crack. I went out to check on their progress and was amazed that they had moved about two yards of dirt. They had made a hole three feet by three feet wide and six feet deep—big enough to bury three cows. They were about ready to give up, so I showed excitement over their progress and stayed to help them by hauling the dirt out of the hole with a bucket. The next day I stopped to check on their progress several times and found them tunneling under the big rock. They got so deep it became difficult to remove the dirt, so they gave up. About a week later I had a backhoe on the property for another purpose and directed the operator to dig out the dirt that blocked their progress. He cleared the way about ten feet deep, moving some big rocks the size of small cars that had slid off the ridge during Noah’s flood. They now had direct, horizontal access to the gopher hole under the rock and continued digging. But as they dug further back under the rock they had to go deeper as well. After about a week of further excavation, gaining about fifteen feet with shovel and pick, they discovered a stalactite hanging from the rock above. They were thrilled and I was too. Now they were digging straight back in a narrow, well weathered corridor that showed signs of long exposure to running water. They were having trouble in the confined space, so I made some short-handled tools and a sliding pan on which to place the dirt they dug. Taking turns, they crawled into the narrow hole and filled the pan with dirt. I would drag it out and empty it, and they would pull it back in with a second rope tied to it. They were now about 20 feet deep into the rock and discovered a stalactite and stalagmite blocking their path—proof of a cave of some sort. We were over-the-top excited, but we conspired to keep it a secret because the boys had been making fun of the girls—and of me for helping them. They would say things like, “The only cave is the one the girls are digging.” It was hard to keep from telling them, but the mystery made it all the more adventuresome. We hated to do it, but we broke the stalactite so progress could continue. They eventually moved enough dirt to allow both of them into the tunnel at the same time. By then I was dedicating several hours a day to helping them because I was confident there was a cave concealed behind all that dirt.

Become your child’s partner in wonder and you will not be left wondering why they departed.

Then one afternoon both girls were deep in the tunnel, flashlights visible, the sound of shovel and pick, and I heard one of the girls excitedly exclaim, “The dirt is falling the other way!” I screamed, “Be careful!” And then their lights disappeared and their excited voices were muffled. I admit, I about panicked. I thought they might have fallen in a hole. After about a minute a light reappeared in the dark tunnel and I could see Shalom’s face about 25 feet away. She was beside herself with joy. “It is a big cave full of stalagmites and stalactites, and what looks like a frozen waterfall!” As the two girls came scurrying out of the cave, their faces shined with a joy and exhilaration that I will never forget. I calmed them down and we discussed how to break the news to the world. The two boys and their mocking friends were our primary targets. How to make the most out of it was our concern. So we waited until dinner time, when everyone was sitting around the table and one of the boys condescendingly asked, “So, how’s the cave digging going? You guys get to China yet?” One of the girls, continuing to eat, answered without looking up, “No, we are now exploring deeper; we think it is a about a mile deep but stalactites are blocking our path. We are searching for a way around them now.” The boys laughed like it was a good joke designed to cover up their failure, but the other girl offered additional comment, and I coolly agreed with their assessment. We had them. The boys were suspended between belief and doubt. We milked it for all we could get, causing them to commit to their unbelief while we matter-of-factly, like it was a routine discovery, one we never doubted, continued to give the details. Like Peter and John running to the tomb to confirm their unbelief, the boys ran down the lane to prove the girls wrong, and the girls and I ran right behind them, carrying the flashlights and lanterns. The boys hastily crawled down the long confining entrance to emerge into a beautiful world of ivory-colored formations branching out in six or eight directions, winding and twisting, sometimes rising above and then dipping down to the former level. It was labyrinth of delightful discovery. How sweet it was! Now the girls burst into exciting recounts of all their experiences. It was their cave. They guarded it, making sure no one broke any of the formations; nothing could be removed. It was the first time human eyes had ever beheld these wonders of God’s creation. Now, as I reflect back on this event in our family, I realize that I was not following some principle of child training. I was their door opener, their partner in discovery, the instigator of a journey into wonder, but it was part of my soul to want to delight my daughters, to stimulate them in an adventure. I enjoyed their pleasure better than any pleasure I could instigate for myself. Now, it is unlikely that any of you will ever have the opportunity to discover a cave. I know that was a unique experience. But understand, there were a thousand other common experiences that produced that same camaraderie of discovery, that walk in wonderland, resulting in a bond between parent and child. Taking time out to build a swing, to set up a swimming pool, to teach them to dive or turn a flip, to laugh at their antics and brag on their accomplishments—all these things make you a door opener in the child’s life. Become your child’s partner in wonder and you will not be left wondering why he departed.

Leaving and Cleaving

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:06:15 +0000

Mother-in-Law

Dear Pearls, I have struggled to have a relationship with my mother-in-law since I met her. She tends to be manipulative, unkind, and judgmental. On many occasions, she has told me who I am not and what I should be, that I am undeserving of her son, and how I am not a good wife. She also tells my husband the same things about me in an attempt to pit him against me. My husband is a strong man and does not tolerate that from her, but he does see it as my duty to create and maintain a friendship with her regardless of her treatment of me. I feel that if she wants to have a real friendship, she should make the effort to treat me kindly. I want to respect my husband and be able to show love and compassion to his mom, but I also do not want to be abused by her. It is hard to believe the one thing in my marriage that brings me sadness is my mother-in-law. What are your thoughts?

Michael Answers:

What are my thoughts? I am thinking, “What a wimp!” No one should be abused, but some people just ask for it. You are asking to be treated with contempt because you do not stand tall with dignity. You cower and ask your husband to defend you. If he does take action to defend you, she will just express more contempt for your pitiful weakness. As I was reading your comments, I was thinking a woman who would treat another human being with contempt could do so only from a heart that is dark and troubled. My advice to you is determine to stand up to her tongue and put out the fire with kind, loving rejection and disregard for her ugliness. Treat her as an unruly child who needs a firm hand—firm, but not hard. She must feel her littleness in the shadow of your strength. It will be quite appropriate for you to calmly tell her, “You have personal issues that you need to deal with, and I would appreciate it if you would not come into my house with a critical spirit.” Say to her, “I am a great wife and your son is lucky to have me.” When she says you are not what you should be, tell her, “Maybe not, but I do not have a critical spirit as do you, and God is helping me do better; let’s pray and ask him to help you not be so critical and mean-spirited.” Remember to pray for her daily. Ask God to humble her, and ask him to give you the courage to not be offended by her littleness. When you can smile with pity at her criticisms, she loses her power and her words will no longer matter to you. Only then will you be able to minister to her needs. In my new book, Created to Need a Help Meet, I have a whole chapter on this subject. Your husband needs to read it.

Leave and Cleave

Dear Mike and Debi, The love of my life and I got married about four months ago. We are happy as larks and are reaping the heavenly fruits of marriage. Life really cannot get any better. I love him so much, and I want to be everything I can for him. My world revolves around him and I want it to be that way. But it seems that others simply don’t understand my infatuation with him or think it is a good thing. I’m writing to ask you what is proper as far as leaving and cleaving. I don’t know if I am going overboard or not. When I married, I moved a few states away from my family. Although my parents are thrilled with my choice of a husband, the distance between us is very hard for them. If I don’t call, she feels like I don’t love them or miss them. She needs constant reassuring that I do miss them. It’s not that I don’t love or miss them, I do. I’m just very involved being a wife and, bottom line, that’s where my attention lies. I don’t have a pressing need to call my friends and family any more. My need is my husband. But is it wrong for me to “leave” so thoroughly? Should I be reassuring them with regular ties? Is there such a thing as cutting the apron strings too much? Totally in LOVE, Happy Wife

Dear Happy Wife,

Someday you will have a daughter and will invest the greater part of your adult life in raising her. You will be her entire life for about 20 years. You will be her best friend, meeting a need in her that is deep and abiding. This is the perspective from which your mother looks at you. Then one day, to make you even happier, she was delighted to give you away in marriage, but she didn’t really want to give you away; she just wanted to expand her family—her love circle—adding a son and lots of new babies. And then poof! You’re gone. Her best friend is gone. Her days were organized around you, and now they are empty. You belong to another. You look to someone else to have your needs fulfilled, but she hasn’t traded one close bond for another—she is just alone and empty. She wants to share your joy. She knows better, but that doesn’t change the way she feels. She weaned you once. Now you must wean her. Let her down easy. Give her time to organize her life around other people and other things. Tell her you will call on a certain day every week and talk for an hour. It will help her if you will occasionally call for advice on any issue. Let her know she is valued for her wisdom. In short, let her know she is significant to you. But at the same time, never allow the family you have left, come between you and your husband. You should indeed “leave and cleave.” Again, my new book, Created to NEED a Help Meet, deals with this subject from the man’s perspective.

What Does “Cleave” Mean?

Following is a little Bible study on the word cleave: Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Cleave is an interesting word in Hebrew. It is dabaq and is used 54 times. Thirty-two times it is translated “cleave” in the English; five times it is translated “follow hard,” meaning someone is running and the other person is pursuing them, very intent on catching them and is right behind them, will not slacken his pace, and is near to grabbing them, stays with them, won’t let the person out of his sight, following hard after them. It is translated “overtake” three times, connoting that the pursuer followed after until he came along beside the person. Then it is translated “stick” three times as in two things sticking together. It is translated “keep fast,” don’t turn it loose. Then it is translated “together” two times, “abide,” as in stay there, one time, then “close” one time, “enjoined” one time, “pursued” one time, then “take” one time. So if we take all these together, what could we sum them up as? Cleave unto your wife means stay close together, be inseparable. It means mingle, follow hard, stay very close by, keep fast, hold on to, don’t turn loose, be near to your woman. So God commanded that man was to leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife only. “That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him …” (Deuteronomy 30:20). That is that same Hebrew word dabaq. Just as we are commanded to cleave to God, God commands us to cleave to our wife. It’s a sacred and a holy thing, the same word used with both God and wife, equating our passion for our wife with our passion for God. --- The next two questions and answers are taken from Mike’s new book, Created to NEED a Help Meet.

Honor to Whom Honor Is Due

Dear Pearls, How do we set boundaries gently while maintaining relationship and honor with our parents? My mother-in-law redecorates my home to her liking, meddles in our finances, belittles my husband, telling him he’s foolish to spend money this way and that. My other stepmother throws fits when we aren’t “fair.” Both women want 100% loyalty and subjection from us. My mother examines the kids for bruises and marks, and uses the “examination” as a tool to threaten calling the DHS when things don’t go her way. Help us. A Reader

Michael Answers

Dear Lady, God tells you to submit to your husband but there is nothing in the Bible that remotely suggests you should submit to your mother-in-law, and you need not respect her any more than she respects you. When she tries to “decorate” your house, tell her you are happy with it the way it is and sweetly decline. When she insists, you insist. When she gets huffy, keep your dignity and quietly ask her to leave and not come back in your house until she is willing to respect your domain. How could she meddle in your finances unless you give her the reigns? Gently tell her in so many kind words that it is none of her business. As to your mother examining the kids for bruising, I do hope you are not bruising them; if you are then you are out of control and need to seek counsel. But if her threats are an attempt to intimidate you into surrendering to her will, tell her in no uncertain terms that her visiting privileges are terminated until further notice. If I had a parent or in-law that without provocation threatened to call child protection on me, I would move to a different state and not leave any forwarding address. Where are the men to allow a cantankerous old battle-ax to intimidate the family?

Mice or Men?

You won’t believe this one, but I print it because it is a common absurdity.

Dear Michael, I am thirty years old. I would like to know when, if ever, is the authority of the old parents no longer in force over an adult son, especially if the mother is not in authority to her husband? Although I am not married, I have been on my own for many years, and I am well established in my career and ministry. My mother is a divorcee, so I have provided for her over the years. My dad has not been a part of my life for many years. Mother can be very spiritually manipulative. I have met a young woman whom I believe would make an excellent wife and mother to my children. She is not only a good choice, but she has my heart, and I believe I have hers. Her family is wonderful. They would be all for our marriage. My mother, on the other hand, does not like the idea. A while back, my mother did pick out a wife for me. She was sure this was the girl God had for me to marry. I was willing to talk to the girl’s parents, although I was not in any way attracted to her. As it turned out, the girl was already asked for and soon married. Do I, as a grown man, submit to my mother, or should she, a woman without a head, submit to me? The Last Straw

Michael Answers

Should you submit to her or should she submit to you? Neither. There is one statement you made that I do question. You said you were a “grown man.”

Nuts & Nurturing

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:03:16 +0000

One cold winter evening last week, Deb and my daughter Shalom were going out and leaving me home alone. Knowing that two-year-old Parker would not be happy at the meeting, Shalom decided to park him with the old codger. When she brought Parker into the kitchen and told him he was going to be staying with Big Papa, he took one look around the empty and boring old farm house and started grabbing for his mother. When she tried to free herself from his clutching hands, he uttered a desperate cry that sounded forlorn, like a pup being culled from the litter. He wanted Mama, not an old man who couldn’t even roll on the floor. Instinctively, I knew just what to do. I sat down at the kitchen table and poured out several varieties of nuts. Picking up the cracker, I looked over my shoulder at the crying two-year-old and said, “Hey, Parker, let’s crack some nuts.” He instantly stopped crying and jumped up on a chair beside me, grabbing nuts in one hand and a nut cracker in the other. We spent the next hour creating a pile of shells and dining like two fat fox squirrels. When the shelling got boring, I said, “Hey, Parker, lets roast some nuts.” We carried a handful over to the wood-burning stove and scattered them across the top. Pulling chairs up close, we took a poker and a spoon and busied ourselves turning the nuts and scooting them around to control the rate of heating. When they were roasted just right, we slid them off the top into a bowl and returned to the table where we juggled hot nuts as we continued shelling. Some of the nuts were hickory nuts we had gathered in the woods. Their shell is thick and hard to crack, and the meat is even harder to dig out, coming out in little pieces with the aid of a pointed tool designed for just that purpose. Parker’s manipulation instinct kicked in and he was as happy as a popsicle-sucker in July. We had a grand old time, and when Mama returned we were still sitting at the table having our squirrel dinner. Parker, with lots of hand gestures, immediately launched into an exciting tale about his experience, spoken in a strange language not yet documented by linguists. Mother was delighted that he was delighted, and I was delighted she had returned. I had eaten about 1000 calories beyond my daily limit. It has been nearly three decades since my children were small, so I have forgotten much about the everyday ways of relating to them. But having 19 grandkids (and more on the way), I am constantly refreshed in my thinking. As I do what comes naturally, I remember relating to my children in precisely the same manner. Good parenting is not a set of principles we execute; it is instinctual nurturing. Kids love to be involved. Write this on every wall in your house: Children love to be involved. I remember clearly involving my children in everything I did. If they were in the house, Deb involved them in all her activities. They were never “in the way.” Life was about them, and we strove to communicate all the wonders of life and love, training them to assume responsibility as adults. Research now confirms what I have been saying and writing for 17 years: Positive affirmation used as a manipulative tool has negative consequences. Children have their worth affirmed by doing something worthy and by being a congenial part of adult activities. Children left to themselves bring their mother to shame (Proverbs 29:15). Children involved in daily life know they are valued because the big, important people talk to them, play with them, seek their assistance, and have mutual pleasure with them through shared experiences. My children grew up with a strong sense of security and purpose because they knew they were valued for reasons beyond maternal instinct; they were making indispensable contributions to the quality of life of everyone around them. When Justin splits firewood, he always splits some very small pieces that Parker can carry into the house. If he were just shoved out of the way while others carried firewood, he would feel diminished and rejected—leading to his acting out in negative behavior; but when he feels he is a part of the process, he is motivated to live within the social rules of the clan. He wants to stay on the good side of the ones in charge because they are the source of his deepest pleasure. You can gain momentary compliance with threats and intimidations, but to gain eternal, heart compliance you must become a child’s source of delight.

Come to the Waters

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:00:56 +0000

I cannot take credit for it, and I am not bragging except on God, but I am just blessed beyond measure by the beauty I see in the families around me. Again this past Sunday as the church met to worship and fellowship, I observed fifteen or twenty happy families with children of all ages full of smiles and good cheer. Over half of them are not indigenous to this area. Some have been here less than a year. There were teenagers of marriageable age and tots in totes, balding daddies sitting beside mothers nursing their seventh child, old folks leaning forward trying to hear, and lean boys raring to get out in the cow pasture and throw a football. Not but one fat kid was in the crowd, no one in the building was on Ritalin or Prozac, and we’ve seen not one divorce in the 25 years we have been meeting together. It doesn’t get any better, except in heaven. Now, people who don’t know us will think we are some kind of cult that constantly meets together to affirm our rigid lifestyle. Not so; it is rare that I see any of them other than on Sunday. We don’t hang out together. The women do not visit from house to house “fellowshipping.” The men do not have “brothers” meetings to “encourage” one another. Each family is its own paradise, drinking from the fountain of life individually. Fathers are the heads of their families and mothers honor their husbands. Older children are fascinated with their young brothers and sisters and function as second parents, taking responsibility to pass on the love and good will. This phenomenon is not unique to rural Tennessee. I have traveled to distant places and met with homeschool families, often visiting in their homes. I spend time with young people in relaxed settings doing whatever it is they do from day to day. I see kids all across America that are a righteous remnant of godliness and virtue. I have been at this long enough to observe couples coming together in holy matrimony, watch as their families expand to fill a fifteen passenger van—or maybe just a minivan—and see their children get married and commence their families, all drinking at the same heavenly fountain. “Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation” (Isaiah 12:3). The most distinguishing mark is their bright eyes and satisfied countenance. Their souls are pure and honest. They are not angry or suspicious. They know they are loved and valued. They are not frustrated or anxious. None are looking to catch a ride to a better place, just waiting to get old enough to get away from their parents. I know this sounds cheesy, but it is time to “Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy” (Psalm 107:2). Jesus said we would have life more abundantly (John 10:10), and we do indeed, just as he promised. In a world of pain and hostility, of bitterness and selfishness, we are reaping the fruit of a life guided by the Holy Spirit of God. If Jesus didn’t deliver on his abundant life, why would we devote so much money and time to spreading the good news of his death, burial, and resurrection… and soon coming kingdom? I have to admit that I am surprised at the delightful fruit I see across the board in the homeschool movement. It just gets better. No Greater Joy has several hundred thousand ardent supporters, and we receive many letters from troubled parents. It is easy to begin to interpret the public in terms of the sad stories we must address. And of course Jesus left the ninety and nine sheep to go after the one lost sheep. We do likewise, but it is so sweet to visit with the ninety and nine.

“Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation” (Isaiah 12:3).

I am reluctant to celebrate the joy, for I know there are many who are not living the abundant life. You are hurting and crying for help, and you may feel as if you are being left behind. Don’t come running to Cane Creek, thinking that a different fish bowl will cure your ills. There is no magic community that can heal a family. The family, like a palm tree, grows from within. “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart” (Psalm 37:4). That passage is not a glib dismissal; it is the true path to abundant life. When you seek God with all your heart, he will change your heart to conform to his, and you will live the abundant life many of us continually enjoy. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).

Excerpts from Created to Need a Help Meet

Michael Pearl — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:33:48 +0000

Excerpt 1: Happy Mama

I will set you on the road to recovery with one good suggestion. Ask your wife for advice and counsel. Welcome her judgments even if you feel she is attacking you. Pretend to be humble and thoughtful. Be patient and ask her to expound further on her concerns. Pause and look enlightened. Nod in appreciation for her wisdom and then modify your actions in some measure based on her suggestion. If unfolding events prove her wrong, be kind and gentle, not gloating or mentioning what is obvious. On the other hand if her counsel and judgment prove to be right, praise her for it and thank her for saving you from error. You will make a new woman out of her. She will get 10 years younger and smile like a kid opening birthday presents. But I warn you, she will get addicted to being happy. She will want to have sex more often and will initiate contact. If you are not up to it, you might want to continue with your “know it all” attitude so she can maintain her coldness as she continues to be your unhappy critic.

Excerpt 2: Favor with the Lord

Marriage properly ordered is the quickest path to obtaining wisdom, grace, mercy, patience, faith, compassion, and humility—especially humility. If it were not for the constant presence of that other human being in our life we could live in a delusion. In our solitude we could call a half measure a whole, we could believe that mediocre is perfection, that lack of conflict is peace, that distant sympathy is compassion, that sharing with a friend is transparency, and that liberal giving is sacrifice. We could live our entire life alone and be convinced that we were mature and emotionally-balanced. The closeness of marriage creates a friction that either builds a fire that destroys or rounds off the edges and sharpens our spirits. God made marriage not only for the joy it brings but for its ability to expose our weaknesses and remind us of our fallibility. In marriage we go deeper, climb higher, reach further, and develop beyond the perceived limits of our humanity. It is heaven’s incubator were we hatch into eternity. “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22).

Excerpt 3: Eternal Opportunity

I could ask, “What is your marriage doing for you?” But the more pertinent question is, “What is your marriage doing for your wife?” Is she being perfected or rejected? Are you causing her to aspire to greater things or expire in fatigue? Is she climbing or declining? Loving or loathing? Does she serve you with joy or with a sense of duty? Does she know she is your treasure or does she feel used and abused? Your job as her husband is to cleanse her, not offend her with words of criticism. If you fail to perfect your wife, you not only fail her, you fail God; you fail the entire human process. You fail the Kingdom of God. Since God chose marriage to illustrate his ministry to the church, to fail in marriage is to defame the ministry of Christ. To fail to sanctify your wife is an opportunity lost for eternity.