No Greater Joy Ministries » Girls & Boys http://nogreaterjoy.org Over 500 articles from Michael and Debi Pearl on Child Training, Homeschooling, Family, Marriage, Christianity, the Bible, Missions, Simple Living, Gardening, and other topics! Tue, 22 May 2012 11:00:53 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Pacification Parenting http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/pacification-parenting/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/pacification-parenting/#comments Sun, 15 Apr 2012 17:00:38 +0000 Michael Pearl http://nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=16968 Pacification Parenting

Children begin life totally dependent upon someone else. Parents are gifted with a hormonal instinct to protect and nurture their young—a most compelling and satisfying drive. Nothing is required of the infant. We patiently tolerate crying, waking us in the night, throwing up all over us, and still we rush to meet their every need and desire. But, in about eighteen years, we will expect them to be totally autonomous souls fully responsible for themselves. That’s one crazy eighteen years, and who is sufficient for these things? Many kids are not ready to take responsibility when the time comes. Most are still not ready at thirty. Over half of the population never becomes productive members of society. They expect someone else to assume responsibility for their happiness—parents, government, labor union, spouse, or others. When life falls apart it is someone else’s fault. They make the perfect socialists in a welfare state that is presiding over its decline. How does this happen and what can we as parents do to guarantee that our sons and daughters grow up to be men and women with the dignity of responsibility and self sufficiency? Homeschooling is a good start, pretty much indispensable, but much more is required. There are many reasons why most kids grow up to be underachievers and over-demanders, but we are going to address the most destructive and universal. Parents fail to transition their dependent infants into self sufficiency. That transition should begin at about six months, when a child learns to feed himself, and it is a bell curve thereafter. Every day opens up new opportunities for the child to take responsibility for his life. By one year of age we expect him to wait and be patient. By the time he is two or three years old, he should begin taking responsibility for others in the household, performing family chores that serve the group, like picking up, washing dishes, cleaning, carrying in firewood, etc. His contribution won’t be much and will be harder on us than doing it ourselves, but it is indispensable to his training. A three-year-old should learn not to interrupt and to be respectful of the property of others, assisting adults in their chores. The six-year-old should be completely responsible to dress himself and clean his room, including changing sheets and vacuuming. By the time he is ten years old he should be doing the work of a man, and the ten-year-old girl should be able to replace her mother entirely, caring for her or others when they are sick. We are not talking slave labor; our experience is that of a happy, well adjusted child with a high sense of self worth as she plays her part as a contributing member of the social order. The Amish say, “Through about their third year children are dependent and require extra labor to maintain—a drain on the family. The four to seven-year-old pays his way, is not a drain but neither is he profitable. After seven the child is a profit to the family, yielding more than it costs to maintain him.” The more children there are in a family over seven years of age the more productive the family and the easier it is on the parents to make a living and maintain the home. That would be the experience of any farm family; it was the experience of our great grandparents. Family is a corporate endeavor, a place where children learn to accept responsibility and do their part for the group. The healthy family prepares children for the adult world into which they will eventually emerge, teaching them to become makers instead of takers, independent instead of dependent. They cannot become confident and powerful if they remain dependent on family, government, employers, or spouses for their happiness. Herein is the problem. It is twofold. First, the modern structure of the home does not lend itself to raising children to assume responsibility. Kids are not needed. How many families need their children to cut and split firewood? Who gathers eggs and feeds the horses and cows? How many are carrying and heating hot water for washing clothes or taking baths? How many must grind wheat and knead bread? There was a time when children learned responsibility from even the most ignorant and inept parent because the lifestyle placed demands upon them, a situation that no longer exists in 99.9 percent of our homes. Today, in our modern, automated, digital, industrialized world, children are treated like potted plants, watered and nourished, loved and displayed, but of no practical use. Second, and this is the subject at hand, parents are reluctant to make demands of their children that might cause discomfort. Today’s kid is overindulged and underengaged. Overindulged children are the product of pacification parenting. It is easier to appease and make happy than to instruct and constrain to responsible action. Today’s parents must make an effort to find areas of responsibility for the child, and then it has an artificial feel to it, leaving the child questioning, “Why should I have to do this?” When the child balks and is unhappy with doing his assigned duty, parents feel guilty or just find it easier to do it themselves. After all, the automated world in which we live does not provide a full day’s work for even one person in the family. And to complicate the situation ever further, many parents like the good feeling they get when serving their children. Overindulged children in their consumption are momentarily made happy and reward their benefactors with delightful smiles. Parents become addicted to pleasing because it feels so good. And to interrupt the little guy’s pleasure with demands is not going to feel good. Serving them beyond the time when they are capable of doing it themselves is a parent’s way of saying, “I love you; I wash your clothes; I pick up after you; I fix your meals and clean up while you play games because I love you. It makes you so happy when I do something for you, so I will be your servant and you will love me for it.” But there comes a time when the big kid is obnoxiously unthankful and expects love to come in the form of unconditional service. An undisciplined, overindulged child will grow up to expect society and family to make them happy with no painful contribution on their part. Their sense of entitlement grows with every unearned reward. Motel maids get more gratitude. The overindulged child is the undeveloped child and becomes the incompetent adult with poor social skills and a lousy self-image. Parents are the only hope children have. A daddy’s duty is to prepare his children to be overcomers in a world that is hostile to hope and holiness. It should be our goal to work ourselves out of a job as quickly as possible, to bring them to the place where they possess the wisdom and will to act autonomously. Happiness is found in producing for the benefit of others. Eating out of a common pot when you haven’t put in more than you take out lends itself to moral weakness and a poor self-image. No child wants to learn self discipline. Their human propensity is to avoid work and responsibility, so they must be organized and managed and, where necessary, constrained. Our children learn by observation and participation. It is daily habits that train up children and communicate worldviews. A child develops work habits by working regularly. It is the parents’ responsibility to organize and manage in ways that instill good habits. Accepting the sacrifices of duty and self control is a slow process done in increments, like learning to walk barefooted on sharp rocks. One’s feet must be toughed one step at a time. Many little pains of service and duty, tolerated in increments, produce tough individuals with moral earnestness and a willingness to suffer the pain of responsible action. You cannot overindulge a kid until he is eighteen and then suddenly endow him with duty. It will be shockingly painful on his tender, pampered soul. The overindulged, grown kid possesses a worldview that does not include painful self-denial. So don’t expect a child to choose the painful path of participation. List their duties on a spreadsheet if necessary and put it on the wall to be checked off when completed. Take your child by the hand and do the chores of life together. Make duty fun and full of fellowship. Children develop a sense of duty by being managed into consistently performing meaningful acts of service to the family unit—by being needed in tangible ways. Most parents think love is a magic bullet. It is the one indispensable foundation, but feelings or gestures of love will not provoke children to accept the pain of self denial. Being needed emotionally does not grow character; it breeds unhealthy dependence. But we all need to be needed in ways that make us know we are valued for what we do. We are not comforted by being loved unless we know we are making a contribution to those who love us. The loved child who doesn’t give back becomes narcissistic and either arrogantly self promoting or self loathing, possibly both. The work of love is found not in making the other person comfortable in their shortcomings, but rather in allowing them to become uncomfortable while addressing harmful habits. When you fail to constrain your child to right action, such as picking up after himself or cleaning his bathroom, but do it for him, you are not loving him; you are serving your own feelings by avoiding conflict that would make you uncomfortable. Few parents train their children to control impulses and gracefully accept delayed gratification; much less are children cultivated to discern good and evil and exercise self denial. Humanity is awesome and heavenly in its ability to act wisely, contrary to impulses and passions, choosing truth and righteousness over indulgence and intemperance. In contrast, humanity is vulgar and depraved in its propensity to follow the path of pleasure and indiscriminately indulge like an inbred dog with no master beyond appetite. The world is a battleground of good and evil, and let’s be honest, evil usually wins the day as good retreats to a lonely spot in hopes of survival. In conclusion, remember the words organize and manage. That is what you should do right now. Sit down and write out an organized plan to involve your children in meaningful responsible chores. Determine right now that you will not give in to your feelings of needing to serve, and that you will be tough when they whine and act like they are in pain when called upon to do their part. When you have created a general plan for the day, then determine to be the hawkish manager of your new enterprise. Above all, keep it light and fun. Never give in to whining, accusing, complaining, threatening, or anger. When you organize and manage there is never any need to be angry, for you are in control and no longer depend on intimidation to force them to choose rightly. You have organized and managed them into doing what they should. Remember, their feet will toughen one step at a time. Each step will be a little bit painful, but bearable. In time they will be toughened to the pain of duty and responsible actions, growing strong in self sufficiency and service to others.]]> Pacification Parenting

Children begin life totally dependent upon someone else. Parents are gifted with a hormonal instinct to protect and nurture their young—a most compelling and satisfying drive. Nothing is required of the infant. We patiently tolerate crying, waking us in the night, throwing up all over us, and still we rush to meet their every need and desire. But, in about eighteen years, we will expect them to be totally autonomous souls fully responsible for themselves. That’s one crazy eighteen years, and who is sufficient for these things? Many kids are not ready to take responsibility when the time comes. Most are still not ready at thirty. Over half of the population never becomes productive members of society. They expect someone else to assume responsibility for their happiness—parents, government, labor union, spouse, or others. When life falls apart it is someone else’s fault. They make the perfect socialists in a welfare state that is presiding over its decline. How does this happen and what can we as parents do to guarantee that our sons and daughters grow up to be men and women with the dignity of responsibility and self sufficiency? Homeschooling is a good start, pretty much indispensable, but much more is required. There are many reasons why most kids grow up to be underachievers and over-demanders, but we are going to address the most destructive and universal. Parents fail to transition their dependent infants into self sufficiency. That transition should begin at about six months, when a child learns to feed himself, and it is a bell curve thereafter. Every day opens up new opportunities for the child to take responsibility for his life. By one year of age we expect him to wait and be patient. By the time he is two or three years old, he should begin taking responsibility for others in the household, performing family chores that serve the group, like picking up, washing dishes, cleaning, carrying in firewood, etc. His contribution won’t be much and will be harder on us than doing it ourselves, but it is indispensable to his training. A three-year-old should learn not to interrupt and to be respectful of the property of others, assisting adults in their chores. The six-year-old should be completely responsible to dress himself and clean his room, including changing sheets and vacuuming. By the time he is ten years old he should be doing the work of a man, and the ten-year-old girl should be able to replace her mother entirely, caring for her or others when they are sick. We are not talking slave labor; our experience is that of a happy, well adjusted child with a high sense of self worth as she plays her part as a contributing member of the social order. The Amish say, “Through about their third year children are dependent and require extra labor to maintain—a drain on the family. The four to seven-year-old pays his way, is not a drain but neither is he profitable. After seven the child is a profit to the family, yielding more than it costs to maintain him.” The more children there are in a family over seven years of age the more productive the family and the easier it is on the parents to make a living and maintain the home. That would be the experience of any farm family; it was the experience of our great grandparents. Family is a corporate endeavor, a place where children learn to accept responsibility and do their part for the group. The healthy family prepares children for the adult world into which they will eventually emerge, teaching them to become makers instead of takers, independent instead of dependent. They cannot become confident and powerful if they remain dependent on family, government, employers, or spouses for their happiness. Herein is the problem. It is twofold. First, the modern structure of the home does not lend itself to raising children to assume responsibility. Kids are not needed. How many families need their children to cut and split firewood? Who gathers eggs and feeds the horses and cows? How many are carrying and heating hot water for washing clothes or taking baths? How many must grind wheat and knead bread? There was a time when children learned responsibility from even the most ignorant and inept parent because the lifestyle placed demands upon them, a situation that no longer exists in 99.9 percent of our homes. Today, in our modern, automated, digital, industrialized world, children are treated like potted plants, watered and nourished, loved and displayed, but of no practical use. Second, and this is the subject at hand, parents are reluctant to make demands of their children that might cause discomfort. Today’s kid is overindulged and underengaged. Overindulged children are the product of pacification parenting. It is easier to appease and make happy than to instruct and constrain to responsible action. Today’s parents must make an effort to find areas of responsibility for the child, and then it has an artificial feel to it, leaving the child questioning, “Why should I have to do this?” When the child balks and is unhappy with doing his assigned duty, parents feel guilty or just find it easier to do it themselves. After all, the automated world in which we live does not provide a full day’s work for even one person in the family. And to complicate the situation ever further, many parents like the good feeling they get when serving their children. Overindulged children in their consumption are momentarily made happy and reward their benefactors with delightful smiles. Parents become addicted to pleasing because it feels so good. And to interrupt the little guy’s pleasure with demands is not going to feel good. Serving them beyond the time when they are capable of doing it themselves is a parent’s way of saying, “I love you; I wash your clothes; I pick up after you; I fix your meals and clean up while you play games because I love you. It makes you so happy when I do something for you, so I will be your servant and you will love me for it.” But there comes a time when the big kid is obnoxiously unthankful and expects love to come in the form of unconditional service. An undisciplined, overindulged child will grow up to expect society and family to make them happy with no painful contribution on their part. Their sense of entitlement grows with every unearned reward. Motel maids get more gratitude. The overindulged child is the undeveloped child and becomes the incompetent adult with poor social skills and a lousy self-image. Parents are the only hope children have. A daddy’s duty is to prepare his children to be overcomers in a world that is hostile to hope and holiness. It should be our goal to work ourselves out of a job as quickly as possible, to bring them to the place where they possess the wisdom and will to act autonomously. Happiness is found in producing for the benefit of others. Eating out of a common pot when you haven’t put in more than you take out lends itself to moral weakness and a poor self-image. No child wants to learn self discipline. Their human propensity is to avoid work and responsibility, so they must be organized and managed and, where necessary, constrained. Our children learn by observation and participation. It is daily habits that train up children and communicate worldviews. A child develops work habits by working regularly. It is the parents’ responsibility to organize and manage in ways that instill good habits. Accepting the sacrifices of duty and self control is a slow process done in increments, like learning to walk barefooted on sharp rocks. One’s feet must be toughed one step at a time. Many little pains of service and duty, tolerated in increments, produce tough individuals with moral earnestness and a willingness to suffer the pain of responsible action. You cannot overindulge a kid until he is eighteen and then suddenly endow him with duty. It will be shockingly painful on his tender, pampered soul. The overindulged, grown kid possesses a worldview that does not include painful self-denial. So don’t expect a child to choose the painful path of participation. List their duties on a spreadsheet if necessary and put it on the wall to be checked off when completed. Take your child by the hand and do the chores of life together. Make duty fun and full of fellowship. Children develop a sense of duty by being managed into consistently performing meaningful acts of service to the family unit—by being needed in tangible ways. Most parents think love is a magic bullet. It is the one indispensable foundation, but feelings or gestures of love will not provoke children to accept the pain of self denial. Being needed emotionally does not grow character; it breeds unhealthy dependence. But we all need to be needed in ways that make us know we are valued for what we do. We are not comforted by being loved unless we know we are making a contribution to those who love us. The loved child who doesn’t give back becomes narcissistic and either arrogantly self promoting or self loathing, possibly both. The work of love is found not in making the other person comfortable in their shortcomings, but rather in allowing them to become uncomfortable while addressing harmful habits. When you fail to constrain your child to right action, such as picking up after himself or cleaning his bathroom, but do it for him, you are not loving him; you are serving your own feelings by avoiding conflict that would make you uncomfortable. Few parents train their children to control impulses and gracefully accept delayed gratification; much less are children cultivated to discern good and evil and exercise self denial. Humanity is awesome and heavenly in its ability to act wisely, contrary to impulses and passions, choosing truth and righteousness over indulgence and intemperance. In contrast, humanity is vulgar and depraved in its propensity to follow the path of pleasure and indiscriminately indulge like an inbred dog with no master beyond appetite. The world is a battleground of good and evil, and let’s be honest, evil usually wins the day as good retreats to a lonely spot in hopes of survival. In conclusion, remember the words organize and manage. That is what you should do right now. Sit down and write out an organized plan to involve your children in meaningful responsible chores. Determine right now that you will not give in to your feelings of needing to serve, and that you will be tough when they whine and act like they are in pain when called upon to do their part. When you have created a general plan for the day, then determine to be the hawkish manager of your new enterprise. Above all, keep it light and fun. Never give in to whining, accusing, complaining, threatening, or anger. When you organize and manage there is never any need to be angry, for you are in control and no longer depend on intimidation to force them to choose rightly. You have organized and managed them into doing what they should. Remember, their feet will toughen one step at a time. Each step will be a little bit painful, but bearable. In time they will be toughened to the pain of duty and responsible actions, growing strong in self sufficiency and service to others.]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/pacification-parenting/feed/ 16 Be a Door Opener, Not a Door Shutter http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/be-a-door-opener-not-a-door-shutter/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/be-a-door-opener-not-a-door-shutter/#comments Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:01:05 +0000 Michael Pearl http://nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=16089 Be a Door Opener, Not a Door Shutter

Note: The following is an excerpt from a book in progress called Traditional Child Training. Sometimes the grandkids come over when I am engaged in study or writing. My office is removed from the living room where the kids will be visiting. When they discover I am in my office, they come and open the door. After I greet them and explain that I must be busy for a little while, they will walk away and be happy as long as I leave the door open. But if I shut the door, they are uncomfortable until they get it open and look in on me. At about two years of age they have the ability to open a door but cannot understand my need to shut it, particularly if they are left on the other side. I have come to see that kids do not like a shut door, especially if it is directed at them. Think for a moment. How do your children view you—as a door shutter or a door opener? Do they know you as the one who gives them pleasure through opening interesting and exciting doors of opportunity and learning, or do they know you as the one always saying no and shutting them out? You will “Train up a child in the way he should go” so that “when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6) if you are a door opener and not a door shutter. Don’t be a no person. Be a yes person to your children. The Apostle Paul tells us that Jesus is God’s “yea” and “Amen.” “For all the promises of God in him are yea [yes], and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us” (2 Corinthians 1:20). Jesus is the Yes of God. In him is life and liberty. At his right hand there are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11). People embroiled in religion, be it heathen or Christian, view God as the No in their lives. They know him through the negative commandments—“Thou shalt not…” To them the Christian life is a series of shut doors—things one cannot do lest he be damned. Their God is distant and out of reach, critical and displeased. He must be placated with contrition and religious works. Such people cannot love God. Their guilt and humility cause God to be paramount in their lives but always out of reach, though their lives are dedicated to appeasing him. Their desperate fervency causes them to appear to be the most devout among us, but no one who knows them well is drawn to their God, for even they are not sure of his love or forgiveness. Children raised by “religious”-tempered parents are the most miserable of all. So many doors are locked to them. I am not suggesting permissiveness or worldliness; I am talking about the many little things of life. I knew both of my grandmothers well. One I remember with the utmost fondness, and the other I could have done without. I never did like her. I cannot remember one pleasurable feeling in her presence. She was never mean or angry. She was always proper and pleasant. But she had a gift for saying no. I knew that when I went to her house I would be in the way—as in “children should be seen and not heard.” She never said such, but that is the way she made me feel. “Don’t put your feet there.” “Take off your shoes.” “Stop making that noise in the house.” “Don’t you ever comb your hair?” She did have a beautiful garden that fascinated me, but she slammed the door shut when I tried to walk in it. I remember her as a door shutter. She never taught me anything. She taught manners at me, but they didn’t stick because I did not want to please her in her interests when she was never pleased with what interested me. I know that is immature, but I was immature at four … and seven … and nine … and twelve. When I got old enough to know better, I spent time with the other grandma who was ready with a laugh and a “Have you ever heard of …?” or “Come over here and look at what I have been working on.” Many a time my yes grandmother said, “Can you help me with this?” I can think of no sweeter words, nor have I known a more interesting person, for she was interested in me. I always wanted to please my yes grandmother. I didn’t care one way or the other about my no grandmother. I think I went to her funeral, but I can’t remember. I do remember quite well my yes grandmother’s funeral, the one who opened so many doors for me. My daddy was a door opener—a yes daddy. When I asked if I could use the scrap lumber he brought home from the job, he said yes and offered me hammer, saw, and nails as well. When I asked if I could have the red paint that was left over, he found some old brushes and blue paint to go with it. When I went to the job with him and met someone for the first time, the stranger would say something like, “So you are the boy Ed is always bragging about. Heard you can throw a knife like Tarzan.” When I was fourteen, I suggested I needed a horizontal bar in the backyard. My daddy hired someone to make it and he and I dug the holes and concreted it in place. It became the center of my after-high-school activity. When I remember my father, I remember a yes daddy—a yea and Amen daddy. How do your children view you? On this one point hangs all of your parenting. I can say with certainty, if you have a good relationship with your children and they want to please you, it is because they think of you as a yes daddy or yes mama—a door opener. If there is tension and they are stubborn and rebellious, it is because they know you as a no daddy or no mama—a door shutter. In our next digital magazine (April issue) I will discuss how you can become a door opener, not a door shutter. In the meantime, think of ways to open doors of delight, and you will not have as many occasions to say no to their naughtiness. To receive our free digital magazine, join our email list.]]> Be a Door Opener, Not a Door Shutter

Note: The following is an excerpt from a book in progress called Traditional Child Training. Sometimes the grandkids come over when I am engaged in study or writing. My office is removed from the living room where the kids will be visiting. When they discover I am in my office, they come and open the door. After I greet them and explain that I must be busy for a little while, they will walk away and be happy as long as I leave the door open. But if I shut the door, they are uncomfortable until they get it open and look in on me. At about two years of age they have the ability to open a door but cannot understand my need to shut it, particularly if they are left on the other side. I have come to see that kids do not like a shut door, especially if it is directed at them. Think for a moment. How do your children view you—as a door shutter or a door opener? Do they know you as the one who gives them pleasure through opening interesting and exciting doors of opportunity and learning, or do they know you as the one always saying no and shutting them out? You will “Train up a child in the way he should go” so that “when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6) if you are a door opener and not a door shutter. Don’t be a no person. Be a yes person to your children. The Apostle Paul tells us that Jesus is God’s “yea” and “Amen.” “For all the promises of God in him are yea [yes], and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us” (2 Corinthians 1:20). Jesus is the Yes of God. In him is life and liberty. At his right hand there are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11). People embroiled in religion, be it heathen or Christian, view God as the No in their lives. They know him through the negative commandments—“Thou shalt not…” To them the Christian life is a series of shut doors—things one cannot do lest he be damned. Their God is distant and out of reach, critical and displeased. He must be placated with contrition and religious works. Such people cannot love God. Their guilt and humility cause God to be paramount in their lives but always out of reach, though their lives are dedicated to appeasing him. Their desperate fervency causes them to appear to be the most devout among us, but no one who knows them well is drawn to their God, for even they are not sure of his love or forgiveness. Children raised by “religious”-tempered parents are the most miserable of all. So many doors are locked to them. I am not suggesting permissiveness or worldliness; I am talking about the many little things of life. I knew both of my grandmothers well. One I remember with the utmost fondness, and the other I could have done without. I never did like her. I cannot remember one pleasurable feeling in her presence. She was never mean or angry. She was always proper and pleasant. But she had a gift for saying no. I knew that when I went to her house I would be in the way—as in “children should be seen and not heard.” She never said such, but that is the way she made me feel. “Don’t put your feet there.” “Take off your shoes.” “Stop making that noise in the house.” “Don’t you ever comb your hair?” She did have a beautiful garden that fascinated me, but she slammed the door shut when I tried to walk in it. I remember her as a door shutter. She never taught me anything. She taught manners at me, but they didn’t stick because I did not want to please her in her interests when she was never pleased with what interested me. I know that is immature, but I was immature at four … and seven … and nine … and twelve. When I got old enough to know better, I spent time with the other grandma who was ready with a laugh and a “Have you ever heard of …?” or “Come over here and look at what I have been working on.” Many a time my yes grandmother said, “Can you help me with this?” I can think of no sweeter words, nor have I known a more interesting person, for she was interested in me. I always wanted to please my yes grandmother. I didn’t care one way or the other about my no grandmother. I think I went to her funeral, but I can’t remember. I do remember quite well my yes grandmother’s funeral, the one who opened so many doors for me. My daddy was a door opener—a yes daddy. When I asked if I could use the scrap lumber he brought home from the job, he said yes and offered me hammer, saw, and nails as well. When I asked if I could have the red paint that was left over, he found some old brushes and blue paint to go with it. When I went to the job with him and met someone for the first time, the stranger would say something like, “So you are the boy Ed is always bragging about. Heard you can throw a knife like Tarzan.” When I was fourteen, I suggested I needed a horizontal bar in the backyard. My daddy hired someone to make it and he and I dug the holes and concreted it in place. It became the center of my after-high-school activity. When I remember my father, I remember a yes daddy—a yea and Amen daddy. How do your children view you? On this one point hangs all of your parenting. I can say with certainty, if you have a good relationship with your children and they want to please you, it is because they think of you as a yes daddy or yes mama—a door opener. If there is tension and they are stubborn and rebellious, it is because they know you as a no daddy or no mama—a door shutter. In our next digital magazine (April issue) I will discuss how you can become a door opener, not a door shutter. In the meantime, think of ways to open doors of delight, and you will not have as many occasions to say no to their naughtiness. To receive our free digital magazine, join our email list.]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/be-a-door-opener-not-a-door-shutter/feed/ 4 The Happy Child http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-happy-child/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-happy-child/#comments Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:03:07 +0000 Jennifer Brooks http://nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=17010 The Happy Child

The happiest child I know happens to have Downs Syndrome. He hasn’t a care in the world, or one that lasts longer than two minutes. Every night he goes to sleep with no bitter or angry feelings. His soul is at peace with everyone. His mind is fresh and new each day. No resentment ever takes hold. He is totally amused, fascinated and entranced in the simplest things of life: A shadow, a string. His mind is not complicated with troubles in life. Where to go, what to do, who to like or dislike. He trusts all men, smiles at every person, forgives all with uninhibited release. He goes about life slowly somewhat in his own world with a smile, a hug, a pat on the back. He looks at me and smiles as he says, “I love you”, “thank you”, “why can’t you be as happy as me?” Because my mind is strong, my IQ high, I’m in this world, mixed up in this world loaded down with the cares of the world. Struggling through the miry clay. Too many things to think about and decide. Why can’t you be simple just this once and clear your mind of all else and believe in a Man who cares for you, a Savior who loves you, Jesus who died for you. Jesus the ultimate Joy unspeakable. “Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:” (1 Peter 1:8). “Therefore the redeemed of the LORD shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away” (Isaiah 51:11).]]> The Happy Child

The happiest child I know happens to have Downs Syndrome. He hasn’t a care in the world, or one that lasts longer than two minutes. Every night he goes to sleep with no bitter or angry feelings. His soul is at peace with everyone. His mind is fresh and new each day. No resentment ever takes hold. He is totally amused, fascinated and entranced in the simplest things of life: A shadow, a string. His mind is not complicated with troubles in life. Where to go, what to do, who to like or dislike. He trusts all men, smiles at every person, forgives all with uninhibited release. He goes about life slowly somewhat in his own world with a smile, a hug, a pat on the back. He looks at me and smiles as he says, “I love you”, “thank you”, “why can’t you be as happy as me?” Because my mind is strong, my IQ high, I’m in this world, mixed up in this world loaded down with the cares of the world. Struggling through the miry clay. Too many things to think about and decide. Why can’t you be simple just this once and clear your mind of all else and believe in a Man who cares for you, a Savior who loves you, Jesus who died for you. Jesus the ultimate Joy unspeakable. “Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:” (1 Peter 1:8). “Therefore the redeemed of the LORD shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away” (Isaiah 51:11).]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-happy-child/feed/ 0 Corn Fest Fun! http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/corn-fest-fun/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/corn-fest-fun/#comments Mon, 12 Dec 2011 19:10:21 +0000 Michael Pearl http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=12660 Corn Fest Fun

Wow! Did we have fun—family fun, the best kind. Our first Annual Cane Creek Corn Fest. Everyone loved it, especially the kids. I wish you could have been there and watched the kids watch their parents try to eat an apple hanging from a string. It was smacky face French style. Kids that suspected their parents might sometimes kiss or get intimate had their scariest suspicions confirmed when Mama and Daddy met under the swinging apple. The right technique for eating the dangling fruit is to get the wife on one side and the husband on the other, coordinating their wide-open mouths to pin the apple in place and hold it while first one and then the other takes a bite, chews, and swallows. When the apple slips away, which it does repeatedly, their faces collide. They end up taking bites out of each other’s faces, slick with who knows what. One couple with kids ranging from middle teens to toddlers kept failing to trap the apple, so after a minuet of face-bumping, he slung the apple out of the way, grabbed her in an aggressive embrace and went after her instead of the apple, planting a big one on her. Their kids looked horrified and amazed. I have heard, but I don’t know for sure, that some of the parents whose marriages had become a little dull went home and hung apples from the ceiling in their bedrooms. Who knows, it could start a revival of marital passion. In the spring I planted a big field of non-genetically modified corn, seeds I have saved from year to year. It is all organically raised and left to dry on the stalk. I early harvested enough to shuck, grind into cornmeal, and bag portions for all the church members. They were instructed to make as many corn dishes as they could think of. You wouldn’t believe the six tables filled with every imaginable corn dish. There were even delicious deserts, some of which had been cooked right on the spot—tortillas, tamales, tamalitos, corn dogs, and more. We placed numbers on all the dishes and had five people taste every dish and judge them for excellence, giving prizes to the winners in several categories. We even had a couple little kids on the judge’s panel. They chose the desserts, of course.

Am I in Heaven?

Lately, I have been highly impressed with the grace, love, and mercy I am seeing in the children and teenagers. There are about 90 of us who worship together on Sundays, and two-thirds are children. I watch in amazement as a thirteen-year-old boy cares for his one-year-old brother. You would think he was the father—or better, the mother. I watch as a six-year-old girl picks up her three-year-old sister and carries her over the rocks so she won’t hurt her bare feet. I feel the grace of God flowing when a seven-year-old girl gets out of a swing to give it to a three-year-old and then helps him up, encouraging him to hold on and not fall. The other day a ten-year-old boy came up while I was throwing knives. I spent about 20 minutes guiding him in practice. He did very well and I bragged on his accomplishments. When his mother and sister came over to watch, he threw about six knives and didn’t stick any of them. As they turned to walk away, he said, “Why is it that when the girls walk up you can’t do anything right?” I laughed and said, “It is because it is so important to us to look good in their eyes.” “Yeah, I guess that’s it,” he agreed. About that time his seven- and five-year-old brothers walked up and showed great interest in what we were doing. What followed made me wonder if I weren’t in heaven or in the presence of an angel unaware. The ten-year-old called his brother over and showed him how to throw the knife. When he stuck two out of six, something the older brother had been doing before the girls showed up, big brother said with pleasure, “Look, John, you are doing better than me; you stuck two out of six; you are really good.” Then he got his five-year-old brother to throw, and, after a couple of tries, when he stuck a knife, the older brother again bragged on his little brother and told him that he was the best thrower of all. There was absolutely no jealousy in the ten-year-old. He took the greatest pleasure in the pleasure of his brothers. How often do you find such godliness in this world? I now have nineteen grandkids and more being shipped as I write, and I see some of them every day. When I am around them I never fail to be impressed with the beauty of holiness I see in them. I know that when I was young that kind of grace was seldom seen in my family or in anybody I knew. Now I know there must be times at home—when they have missed their naps, or when a sibling transgresses on the property of another—that they are less than godly. But I know there is something fundamentally holy growing in the families around me. I don’t suggest in the least that it is the fruit of my ministry or influence. There are families that have joined our church, coming from afar, and I see the grace of heaven on them as well. I do believe we homeschoolers and homechurchers are seeing the fruit of good seeds planted deeply and well- watered, now bearing fruit. And it is not just the little ones. In our community and church there are young people of marriageable age and some who have only been married for less than a year. They love and honor their parents and walk in holiness. There is no rebellion, but great contentment and hope in the bright eyes I see smiling back at me. Again, it is not just our community; I travel and meet homeschooled young people everywhere who are growing up to be the only hope of future generations. I am highly encouraged.  ]]> Corn Fest Fun

Wow! Did we have fun—family fun, the best kind. Our first Annual Cane Creek Corn Fest. Everyone loved it, especially the kids. I wish you could have been there and watched the kids watch their parents try to eat an apple hanging from a string. It was smacky face French style. Kids that suspected their parents might sometimes kiss or get intimate had their scariest suspicions confirmed when Mama and Daddy met under the swinging apple. The right technique for eating the dangling fruit is to get the wife on one side and the husband on the other, coordinating their wide-open mouths to pin the apple in place and hold it while first one and then the other takes a bite, chews, and swallows. When the apple slips away, which it does repeatedly, their faces collide. They end up taking bites out of each other’s faces, slick with who knows what. One couple with kids ranging from middle teens to toddlers kept failing to trap the apple, so after a minuet of face-bumping, he slung the apple out of the way, grabbed her in an aggressive embrace and went after her instead of the apple, planting a big one on her. Their kids looked horrified and amazed. I have heard, but I don’t know for sure, that some of the parents whose marriages had become a little dull went home and hung apples from the ceiling in their bedrooms. Who knows, it could start a revival of marital passion. In the spring I planted a big field of non-genetically modified corn, seeds I have saved from year to year. It is all organically raised and left to dry on the stalk. I early harvested enough to shuck, grind into cornmeal, and bag portions for all the church members. They were instructed to make as many corn dishes as they could think of. You wouldn’t believe the six tables filled with every imaginable corn dish. There were even delicious deserts, some of which had been cooked right on the spot—tortillas, tamales, tamalitos, corn dogs, and more. We placed numbers on all the dishes and had five people taste every dish and judge them for excellence, giving prizes to the winners in several categories. We even had a couple little kids on the judge’s panel. They chose the desserts, of course.

Am I in Heaven?

Lately, I have been highly impressed with the grace, love, and mercy I am seeing in the children and teenagers. There are about 90 of us who worship together on Sundays, and two-thirds are children. I watch in amazement as a thirteen-year-old boy cares for his one-year-old brother. You would think he was the father—or better, the mother. I watch as a six-year-old girl picks up her three-year-old sister and carries her over the rocks so she won’t hurt her bare feet. I feel the grace of God flowing when a seven-year-old girl gets out of a swing to give it to a three-year-old and then helps him up, encouraging him to hold on and not fall. The other day a ten-year-old boy came up while I was throwing knives. I spent about 20 minutes guiding him in practice. He did very well and I bragged on his accomplishments. When his mother and sister came over to watch, he threw about six knives and didn’t stick any of them. As they turned to walk away, he said, “Why is it that when the girls walk up you can’t do anything right?” I laughed and said, “It is because it is so important to us to look good in their eyes.” “Yeah, I guess that’s it,” he agreed. About that time his seven- and five-year-old brothers walked up and showed great interest in what we were doing. What followed made me wonder if I weren’t in heaven or in the presence of an angel unaware. The ten-year-old called his brother over and showed him how to throw the knife. When he stuck two out of six, something the older brother had been doing before the girls showed up, big brother said with pleasure, “Look, John, you are doing better than me; you stuck two out of six; you are really good.” Then he got his five-year-old brother to throw, and, after a couple of tries, when he stuck a knife, the older brother again bragged on his little brother and told him that he was the best thrower of all. There was absolutely no jealousy in the ten-year-old. He took the greatest pleasure in the pleasure of his brothers. How often do you find such godliness in this world? I now have nineteen grandkids and more being shipped as I write, and I see some of them every day. When I am around them I never fail to be impressed with the beauty of holiness I see in them. I know that when I was young that kind of grace was seldom seen in my family or in anybody I knew. Now I know there must be times at home—when they have missed their naps, or when a sibling transgresses on the property of another—that they are less than godly. But I know there is something fundamentally holy growing in the families around me. I don’t suggest in the least that it is the fruit of my ministry or influence. There are families that have joined our church, coming from afar, and I see the grace of heaven on them as well. I do believe we homeschoolers and homechurchers are seeing the fruit of good seeds planted deeply and well- watered, now bearing fruit. And it is not just the little ones. In our community and church there are young people of marriageable age and some who have only been married for less than a year. They love and honor their parents and walk in holiness. There is no rebellion, but great contentment and hope in the bright eyes I see smiling back at me. Again, it is not just our community; I travel and meet homeschooled young people everywhere who are growing up to be the only hope of future generations. I am highly encouraged.  ]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/corn-fest-fun/feed/ 1 Be Careful Little Feet Where You Go http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/be-careful-little-feet-where-you-go/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/be-careful-little-feet-where-you-go/#comments Sat, 15 Oct 2011 13:02:20 +0000 Debi Pearl http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=9970 Little girl seated, looking down at her feet

My friend Aaron told me that when he was about four years old his old grandpa offered him a taste of beer. His very conservative parents would have been horrified if they had known about it. Aaron said that one sip of beer made a permanent impression upon him. From that point on he knew that “Beer is yucky.” I had another friend who said that when he was about six years old his teenage cousin offered him a drag off his cigarette. The poor little boy spent the rest of the afternoon puking while his mean cousin laughed. The misery of a sick stomach and the mockery forever destroyed any mysterious appeal of smoking. It is interesting that it takes a lot of practice to learn to appreciate something as repulsive as smoking or the taste of beer, but when it finally takes root it quickly becomes a very compelling habit. In a natural sense, the young child doesn’t like either. It takes an effort to dull and kill the natural sense of taste and smell in order to want to indulge. I saw a classic example of this while on vacation. It was sin at the end of life’s road. While we were on vacation down at the coast we kept seeing an advertisement that read, “Best seafood bar ever for only $21.95.” Now that is a lot of money just to eat, but we only go on vacation occasionally and never get fresh seafood. We decided to try it out. Since we have four children we figured, or at least hoped, that like all good restaurants, this one would offer “free eats” for very young children and maybe half-price meals for the others. Even with a price break for the children it would still be an expensive meal, but a real treat. I guess I was thinking about all this when I read the advertisement because I didn’t notice that the restaurant was in a casino. Since we had already driven across the city to find this place, we decided to go ahead with our plans. Even though it was early in the day, which I thought would be before the normal hours of casino activities, I knew I needed to do a thorough job of explaining the evils of a casino to my children. So before entering I explained in great detail how people go to casinos thinking they are going to win free money but in the end they always lose money. It was really just paying to play some stupid games. I told them the casino business set up the machines so that everyone wins occasionally, which is just to keep them playing, but at the end of the day the machine has most of their money. I explained that wise people never indulge in such foolishness. All these things I had heard, although I had never actually been in a gambling establishment myself. This was going to be a learning event for all of us. What a surprise we had coming! We walked up the steps and entered the magnificent building. As the huge double-doors opened we could hear the clanging of the winner’s bell.  The interior was dim, and at first all we could detect was a smoky atmosphere. And then there was the odor. As a rule children have very acute senses, so I knew my four children must be reeling. The odor was old, nasty, and certainly not conducive to paying $21.95 to eat. “But maybe the restaurant is isolated from all this,” I thought. As our eyes adjusted, we were able to see two long lines of slot machines on either side of the long walk we must take to reach the steps leading up to where the sign indicated we would find the restaurant. The sight before us was both horrifying and fascinating.  We all stared at the decrepit people sitting hunched over each slot machine. It looked like some kind of a freak show. My first thought was of a Mad Magazine I saw as a kid. Every player had the appearance of having died and fossilized while sitting in front of the machine. Most were old, hard, whorish-looking women dressed in what they must have thought was sexy clothes, their thin orange hair making a fuzzy halo around their heads. I noticed a cigarette hanging from each of their thin, red, painted lips. Yikes! Was I in a nightmare? If I was, please someone wake me up! But it was real. There was little movement only for a brief moment when they pulled the lever down. As I stood watching I identified the odor. It was old flesh, diapers damp with pee, stale smoke, and hacking coughs bringing up cancerous smells. Surely this was just one step from hell. We, as a family, rushed the 100 feet through the row of slot machines. I figured the kids were holding their breaths, because I sure was. We raced up the steps, then stopped, totally dismayed. Before us was another long line of slot machines, each occupied with more dreadful figures, each momentarily coming alive, like they were using their last ounce of life, to yank the arm down. The awful odor was now mixed with the smell of cooking fish. Thankfully, through the smoky gloom we could see the lights of the restaurant.  We rushed past the animated corpses as if there was salvation in the restaurant. The waiter looked discomforted to see the children. With his nose in the air he informed us there would be NO discount for children in this eating establishment. His words squeaked like an open gate, releasing us from our misguided intentions. We turned as one and almost ran down the first corridor of hell, down the steps, and then with our eyes focused on the double doors we fled to the light beyond. Once in the clean air and bright sunlight, we exhaled from our lungs the fumes of death and sucked in fresh air. Finally, breathing normally, we  stood looking at each other in relief. We had escaped. My 8-year-old daughter spoke for us all:  “Man, I would rather eat junk off the sidewalk than eat in that gross dungeon.” The whole visit was an exercise in the degradation of mankind. The people sitting there no longer noticed the foul odor; they had become accustomed to their eyes burning from the thick cloud of smoke, and their souls had long since lost consciousness of the ugliness around them. To the lost souls, sitting at the slot machines was thrilling; the possibility of winning gave them a fix I will never understand. Sin, time, and conditioning had stolen their dignity, had dulled their senses, and would soon take their souls. I will never need to caution my children against gambling or entering places of ill repute. One visit through the doors of hell had steeled their souls to hate that sort of degradation forever. God in his mercy helps me as I seek Him to raise my family to honor Him. We all learned a lesson that day: “Be careful, little feet, where you go.” —Debi Pearl, as told by Nathan Pearl  ]]> Little girl seated, looking down at her feet

My friend Aaron told me that when he was about four years old his old grandpa offered him a taste of beer. His very conservative parents would have been horrified if they had known about it. Aaron said that one sip of beer made a permanent impression upon him. From that point on he knew that “Beer is yucky.” I had another friend who said that when he was about six years old his teenage cousin offered him a drag off his cigarette. The poor little boy spent the rest of the afternoon puking while his mean cousin laughed. The misery of a sick stomach and the mockery forever destroyed any mysterious appeal of smoking. It is interesting that it takes a lot of practice to learn to appreciate something as repulsive as smoking or the taste of beer, but when it finally takes root it quickly becomes a very compelling habit. In a natural sense, the young child doesn’t like either. It takes an effort to dull and kill the natural sense of taste and smell in order to want to indulge. I saw a classic example of this while on vacation. It was sin at the end of life’s road. While we were on vacation down at the coast we kept seeing an advertisement that read, “Best seafood bar ever for only $21.95.” Now that is a lot of money just to eat, but we only go on vacation occasionally and never get fresh seafood. We decided to try it out. Since we have four children we figured, or at least hoped, that like all good restaurants, this one would offer “free eats” for very young children and maybe half-price meals for the others. Even with a price break for the children it would still be an expensive meal, but a real treat. I guess I was thinking about all this when I read the advertisement because I didn’t notice that the restaurant was in a casino. Since we had already driven across the city to find this place, we decided to go ahead with our plans. Even though it was early in the day, which I thought would be before the normal hours of casino activities, I knew I needed to do a thorough job of explaining the evils of a casino to my children. So before entering I explained in great detail how people go to casinos thinking they are going to win free money but in the end they always lose money. It was really just paying to play some stupid games. I told them the casino business set up the machines so that everyone wins occasionally, which is just to keep them playing, but at the end of the day the machine has most of their money. I explained that wise people never indulge in such foolishness. All these things I had heard, although I had never actually been in a gambling establishment myself. This was going to be a learning event for all of us. What a surprise we had coming! We walked up the steps and entered the magnificent building. As the huge double-doors opened we could hear the clanging of the winner’s bell.  The interior was dim, and at first all we could detect was a smoky atmosphere. And then there was the odor. As a rule children have very acute senses, so I knew my four children must be reeling. The odor was old, nasty, and certainly not conducive to paying $21.95 to eat. “But maybe the restaurant is isolated from all this,” I thought. As our eyes adjusted, we were able to see two long lines of slot machines on either side of the long walk we must take to reach the steps leading up to where the sign indicated we would find the restaurant. The sight before us was both horrifying and fascinating.  We all stared at the decrepit people sitting hunched over each slot machine. It looked like some kind of a freak show. My first thought was of a Mad Magazine I saw as a kid. Every player had the appearance of having died and fossilized while sitting in front of the machine. Most were old, hard, whorish-looking women dressed in what they must have thought was sexy clothes, their thin orange hair making a fuzzy halo around their heads. I noticed a cigarette hanging from each of their thin, red, painted lips. Yikes! Was I in a nightmare? If I was, please someone wake me up! But it was real. There was little movement only for a brief moment when they pulled the lever down. As I stood watching I identified the odor. It was old flesh, diapers damp with pee, stale smoke, and hacking coughs bringing up cancerous smells. Surely this was just one step from hell. We, as a family, rushed the 100 feet through the row of slot machines. I figured the kids were holding their breaths, because I sure was. We raced up the steps, then stopped, totally dismayed. Before us was another long line of slot machines, each occupied with more dreadful figures, each momentarily coming alive, like they were using their last ounce of life, to yank the arm down. The awful odor was now mixed with the smell of cooking fish. Thankfully, through the smoky gloom we could see the lights of the restaurant.  We rushed past the animated corpses as if there was salvation in the restaurant. The waiter looked discomforted to see the children. With his nose in the air he informed us there would be NO discount for children in this eating establishment. His words squeaked like an open gate, releasing us from our misguided intentions. We turned as one and almost ran down the first corridor of hell, down the steps, and then with our eyes focused on the double doors we fled to the light beyond. Once in the clean air and bright sunlight, we exhaled from our lungs the fumes of death and sucked in fresh air. Finally, breathing normally, we  stood looking at each other in relief. We had escaped. My 8-year-old daughter spoke for us all:  “Man, I would rather eat junk off the sidewalk than eat in that gross dungeon.” The whole visit was an exercise in the degradation of mankind. The people sitting there no longer noticed the foul odor; they had become accustomed to their eyes burning from the thick cloud of smoke, and their souls had long since lost consciousness of the ugliness around them. To the lost souls, sitting at the slot machines was thrilling; the possibility of winning gave them a fix I will never understand. Sin, time, and conditioning had stolen their dignity, had dulled their senses, and would soon take their souls. I will never need to caution my children against gambling or entering places of ill repute. One visit through the doors of hell had steeled their souls to hate that sort of degradation forever. God in his mercy helps me as I seek Him to raise my family to honor Him. We all learned a lesson that day: “Be careful, little feet, where you go.” —Debi Pearl, as told by Nathan Pearl  ]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/be-careful-little-feet-where-you-go/feed/ 5 Training for Honesty http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/training-for-honesty/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/training-for-honesty/#comments Mon, 15 Aug 2011 11:15:46 +0000 Kim Doebler http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=7112 Girl eating apple

Explain how lies often multiply. A great way to illustrate how lies multiply is to pull out a beautiful, perfect-looking apple and see if anyone wants it. While handing the apple to the blessed recipient, turn it to expose a mushy, brown side. When the proper “Yuck!” response is received, explain that lies make us yucky like that apple. From a distance people may not see our lies, but as they get closer they will see how “yucky” our lies make us. Show how the apple got so disgusting. It started out with one small lie from a child saying he didn’t sneak a treat (hit the apple with something blunt). A small bruise is formed, but not too ugly. A child may get away with one small lie without anyone noticing, but lies often multiply. Suddenly, when a candy wrapper is found suspiciously on the floor by where he had been sitting, another lie is required to cover up the first one. (Hit the apple again.) The apple looks less appealing. Next a request is made to smell his breath and it is determined it smells a lot like chocolate; now a bigger lie must be produced to maintain the initial lie. (Hit the apple hard.) Now, it is obvious that the child is lying, just like it is obvious the apple is not edible. Moral: Lying is yucky. Taken from ESP Character Training by Kim S. Doebler.]]> Girl eating apple

Explain how lies often multiply. A great way to illustrate how lies multiply is to pull out a beautiful, perfect-looking apple and see if anyone wants it. While handing the apple to the blessed recipient, turn it to expose a mushy, brown side. When the proper “Yuck!” response is received, explain that lies make us yucky like that apple. From a distance people may not see our lies, but as they get closer they will see how “yucky” our lies make us. Show how the apple got so disgusting. It started out with one small lie from a child saying he didn’t sneak a treat (hit the apple with something blunt). A small bruise is formed, but not too ugly. A child may get away with one small lie without anyone noticing, but lies often multiply. Suddenly, when a candy wrapper is found suspiciously on the floor by where he had been sitting, another lie is required to cover up the first one. (Hit the apple again.) The apple looks less appealing. Next a request is made to smell his breath and it is determined it smells a lot like chocolate; now a bigger lie must be produced to maintain the initial lie. (Hit the apple hard.) Now, it is obvious that the child is lying, just like it is obvious the apple is not edible. Moral: Lying is yucky. Taken from ESP Character Training by Kim S. Doebler.]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/training-for-honesty/feed/ 5 The Power of a Story http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-power-of-a-story/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-power-of-a-story/#comments Wed, 15 Jun 2011 11:35:06 +0000 Debi Pearl http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=5060 The Power of a Story

Telling stories is an important tool in a parent’s child-training kit. And the most potent story is one involving personal experience when you were a child. (This is the rest of Gracie’s story about the golf cart, so if you didn’t read her confession on the children’s page 10 you might want to glance back before reading further.) The evening after the golf cart incident the repentant Gracie asked me, “Mama, did you ever do anything deceitful when you were a little girl?” I had thought it through, so I was ready with a story of deceitfulness and truth. “Well, I remember once when we were little girls Shoshanna was very deceitful. She let everyone believe a lie for two weeks.” I’ll tell you the story. One hot summer day, Mama Pearl had all five of us children helping shuck and cut sweet corn. It is a long, tiring job. Shoshanna was only five years old at the time, two years younger than I was, and she was not much of a worker. She quickly grew weary of the hot job. She said to Mama Pearl, “I’m too tired and hot to work. Can I quit?” Mama Pearl told her she was free to go in the house and take a nap. When the corn was finished, we went to the creek to wash the sticky corn off as we took a refreshing swim. Mama Pearl went in the house to tell Shoshanna she could go, but surprisingly Shoshanna was still fast asleep. It was then that Mama Pearl noticed that the large red wall hanging that hung over where Shoshanna slept was cut all the way across the bottom. Ugly gashes from some kind of large pair of scissors had ruined the beautiful blanket. Mama Pearl wondered, “Who could have done such a thing? And why?” At first it seemed too hard a job for such a small girl as Shoshanna, and where could she have found scissors? Mama Pearl said she considered all the different people who had been to their house that day. Who could have done the bad deed if not little Shoshanna? Mama Pearl waited until everyone was together at the dinner table that evening before mentioning the red wall hanging. “Did you see that the red blanket was cut today? Who could have done such a destructive thing?” I jumped to my feet and raced out of the room to see. Shoshanna followed me. I couldn’t believe how awful it was, and wondered who could have done such a naughty thing. Shoshanna was loudly agreeing. Mama Pearl told me later that she was almost sure it was Shoshanna who cut the blanket, but she knew that it was possible the blanket had been cut for several days and no one noticed it. If that was the case, it could have been someone else. She decided to wait until Shoshanna told the truth. Every day Mama Pearl told us a story about how important it was to walk in truth. She told us Bible stories and stories about the time she lied about flying in a helicopter when she was six years old. I knew she was trying to help Shoshanna know how important it is to walk in truth. Cutting the blanket was bad, but becoming a liar was much worse. Every day Shoshanna would carry on about being afraid to take a nap in the room in case the bad person who cut the blanket came back while she slept. All us kids started to almost believe that maybe someone did come in and cut the blanket, because Shoshanna seemed so sincere and truthful when she talked about it. Who could lie that well? One week passed, then another, and still Shoshanna worried about the bad guy coming in the room while she slept. I could see that even Mama Pearl was beginning to wonder if someone else had cut the blanket. But why would anyone do anything so silly and mean as cut a wall hanging? Then one evening Shoshanna climbed up into Mama Pearl’s lap. Mama Pearl hugged her tight and started scratching her head as she hummed a song. Even though Shoshanna was big, she was still the youngest kid and she really liked sitting in Mama’s lap. I saw when Shoshanna turned her head and heard her whisper in Mama’s ear, “Mama, I cut it.” Finally, after more than two weeks, she had admitted the truth. What a convincing liar she had become! All us kids thought about how she lied to us and we did not like it. How would we believe her next time? Who can trust a liar? Mama Pearl was glad Shoshanna had finally told the truth, but she knew Shoshanna needed to be chastened for being so great a deceiver. I heard Mama Pearl whisper to Shoshanna, “I’m glad you finally told the truth. Being a liar is a terrible thing, much worse than cutting the blanket. But even though I am glad you told the truth, you must be spanked for destroying the hanging and for lying all these days.” Mama took the hidden scissors and put them away. They were large and very sharp. Mama Pearl explained to Shoshanna how dangerous they were and how glad she was that she had not cut herself. It was good that she had finally told the truth. So Shoshanna got a spanking every day for two weeks—the number of days she had lied. And every day Mama Pearl reminded her how more than anything we wanted her to walk in truth. And that’s the story of why it is important to tell the truth. My simple story of the red blanket made a grave impact on Gracie and Jeremiah. They both related to the child, Shoshanna, who harbored deceit for two long weeks. They both felt the burden of sin weighing down on them. I could see Gracie was glad she had come clean about the golf cart so soon. In the future this incident might cause both children to be cautious rather than foolish when they start driving vehicles. They learned that there are consequences in life. There are consequences for deceit. Wisdom gained young is so much better than regret suffered later. God chose storytelling to teach us about himself. The Old Testament is a storybook. It teaches us who God is by the things he did with the Israelite people. It teaches the consequences of sin and the blessings of obedience. Stories are powerful tools for parents to instill wisdom. Gracie will always remember the story of the red blanket. A story like that will cause children to value what you value. It will help them see that God highly values truth. Many times as parents we skim over a child’s lies, but each lie molds evil into the soul. Each truth builds the soul in justice, honor, and honesty. Habits of lying are instilled early, as are habits of truthfulness and honesty. Gracie might not remember an admonition, scolding, or even a spanking, but she will remember the story of the red blanket. When tempted to deceive, she will reflect on the stories, and the knowledge of truthfulness will help her be a wise girl.☺   Storytelling Tips • Tell the stories that happened when you were young • Read Good and Evil to your children • Farmer Johnny’s kids love The Pond stories (Visit www.LifeAtThePond.com)  ]]> The Power of a Story

Telling stories is an important tool in a parent’s child-training kit. And the most potent story is one involving personal experience when you were a child. (This is the rest of Gracie’s story about the golf cart, so if you didn’t read her confession on the children’s page 10 you might want to glance back before reading further.) The evening after the golf cart incident the repentant Gracie asked me, “Mama, did you ever do anything deceitful when you were a little girl?” I had thought it through, so I was ready with a story of deceitfulness and truth. “Well, I remember once when we were little girls Shoshanna was very deceitful. She let everyone believe a lie for two weeks.” I’ll tell you the story. One hot summer day, Mama Pearl had all five of us children helping shuck and cut sweet corn. It is a long, tiring job. Shoshanna was only five years old at the time, two years younger than I was, and she was not much of a worker. She quickly grew weary of the hot job. She said to Mama Pearl, “I’m too tired and hot to work. Can I quit?” Mama Pearl told her she was free to go in the house and take a nap. When the corn was finished, we went to the creek to wash the sticky corn off as we took a refreshing swim. Mama Pearl went in the house to tell Shoshanna she could go, but surprisingly Shoshanna was still fast asleep. It was then that Mama Pearl noticed that the large red wall hanging that hung over where Shoshanna slept was cut all the way across the bottom. Ugly gashes from some kind of large pair of scissors had ruined the beautiful blanket. Mama Pearl wondered, “Who could have done such a thing? And why?” At first it seemed too hard a job for such a small girl as Shoshanna, and where could she have found scissors? Mama Pearl said she considered all the different people who had been to their house that day. Who could have done the bad deed if not little Shoshanna? Mama Pearl waited until everyone was together at the dinner table that evening before mentioning the red wall hanging. “Did you see that the red blanket was cut today? Who could have done such a destructive thing?” I jumped to my feet and raced out of the room to see. Shoshanna followed me. I couldn’t believe how awful it was, and wondered who could have done such a naughty thing. Shoshanna was loudly agreeing. Mama Pearl told me later that she was almost sure it was Shoshanna who cut the blanket, but she knew that it was possible the blanket had been cut for several days and no one noticed it. If that was the case, it could have been someone else. She decided to wait until Shoshanna told the truth. Every day Mama Pearl told us a story about how important it was to walk in truth. She told us Bible stories and stories about the time she lied about flying in a helicopter when she was six years old. I knew she was trying to help Shoshanna know how important it is to walk in truth. Cutting the blanket was bad, but becoming a liar was much worse. Every day Shoshanna would carry on about being afraid to take a nap in the room in case the bad person who cut the blanket came back while she slept. All us kids started to almost believe that maybe someone did come in and cut the blanket, because Shoshanna seemed so sincere and truthful when she talked about it. Who could lie that well? One week passed, then another, and still Shoshanna worried about the bad guy coming in the room while she slept. I could see that even Mama Pearl was beginning to wonder if someone else had cut the blanket. But why would anyone do anything so silly and mean as cut a wall hanging? Then one evening Shoshanna climbed up into Mama Pearl’s lap. Mama Pearl hugged her tight and started scratching her head as she hummed a song. Even though Shoshanna was big, she was still the youngest kid and she really liked sitting in Mama’s lap. I saw when Shoshanna turned her head and heard her whisper in Mama’s ear, “Mama, I cut it.” Finally, after more than two weeks, she had admitted the truth. What a convincing liar she had become! All us kids thought about how she lied to us and we did not like it. How would we believe her next time? Who can trust a liar? Mama Pearl was glad Shoshanna had finally told the truth, but she knew Shoshanna needed to be chastened for being so great a deceiver. I heard Mama Pearl whisper to Shoshanna, “I’m glad you finally told the truth. Being a liar is a terrible thing, much worse than cutting the blanket. But even though I am glad you told the truth, you must be spanked for destroying the hanging and for lying all these days.” Mama took the hidden scissors and put them away. They were large and very sharp. Mama Pearl explained to Shoshanna how dangerous they were and how glad she was that she had not cut herself. It was good that she had finally told the truth. So Shoshanna got a spanking every day for two weeks—the number of days she had lied. And every day Mama Pearl reminded her how more than anything we wanted her to walk in truth. And that’s the story of why it is important to tell the truth. My simple story of the red blanket made a grave impact on Gracie and Jeremiah. They both related to the child, Shoshanna, who harbored deceit for two long weeks. They both felt the burden of sin weighing down on them. I could see Gracie was glad she had come clean about the golf cart so soon. In the future this incident might cause both children to be cautious rather than foolish when they start driving vehicles. They learned that there are consequences in life. There are consequences for deceit. Wisdom gained young is so much better than regret suffered later. God chose storytelling to teach us about himself. The Old Testament is a storybook. It teaches us who God is by the things he did with the Israelite people. It teaches the consequences of sin and the blessings of obedience. Stories are powerful tools for parents to instill wisdom. Gracie will always remember the story of the red blanket. A story like that will cause children to value what you value. It will help them see that God highly values truth. Many times as parents we skim over a child’s lies, but each lie molds evil into the soul. Each truth builds the soul in justice, honor, and honesty. Habits of lying are instilled early, as are habits of truthfulness and honesty. Gracie might not remember an admonition, scolding, or even a spanking, but she will remember the story of the red blanket. When tempted to deceive, she will reflect on the stories, and the knowledge of truthfulness will help her be a wise girl.☺   Storytelling Tips • Tell the stories that happened when you were young • Read Good and Evil to your children • Farmer Johnny’s kids love The Pond stories (Visit www.LifeAtThePond.com)  ]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-power-of-a-story/feed/ 3 Mirror of Our Reflection http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/mirror-of-our-reflection/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/mirror-of-our-reflection/#comments Wed, 15 Jun 2011 11:25:14 +0000 Shoshanna (Pearl) Easling http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=5049 Happy mom with her arms wrapped around her little son

Look at your reflection and smile. It is a two-way mirror. From the time Jeremiah was a baby, the moment he wakes I cheerfully say, “Good morning,  sweetheart!” He always smiles back in delight, and I go on to talk to him about the wonderful day ahead. This sets the tone for the day, and every day is a good day. Happy, confident, aggressive, as a toddler and then a small child, he knew his mama loved him. He has grown up so much. Now he is five and I say to him, “Do you know you are the best kid ever?” “Yes!” he says. “I know, Mama. Do you know you are the best Mama ever?” We laugh and hug. I have found I am raising my reflection. Now Penelope Jane has joined our play. She is eight months old and delights in her brother as he does in her. I see my son starting his sister’s day off with a smile as he talks with her and delights in her. My children reflect everything I do. The way I greet and talk to Daddy; the way I treat others; the way I live life; everything I do, everything I say, they look at me and learn. By the time a child is five years old his brain is 90 percent developed—and his soul is 90 percent developed as well. The heart is well on its way to learning empathy, love, kindness, goodness, gentleness, courage, strength, and steadfastness—or anger, laziness, pouting, envy, greed, and lust. I look around and I see parents everywhere raising their reflections. Each child is unique, but still reflects who is raising him. I look at myself and I ask, am I what I want my kids to be? “More is caught than taught,” my daddy always says. Your children are your reflection. Look at your reflection and smile. It is a two-way mirror.  ]]> Happy mom with her arms wrapped around her little son

Look at your reflection and smile. It is a two-way mirror. From the time Jeremiah was a baby, the moment he wakes I cheerfully say, “Good morning,  sweetheart!” He always smiles back in delight, and I go on to talk to him about the wonderful day ahead. This sets the tone for the day, and every day is a good day. Happy, confident, aggressive, as a toddler and then a small child, he knew his mama loved him. He has grown up so much. Now he is five and I say to him, “Do you know you are the best kid ever?” “Yes!” he says. “I know, Mama. Do you know you are the best Mama ever?” We laugh and hug. I have found I am raising my reflection. Now Penelope Jane has joined our play. She is eight months old and delights in her brother as he does in her. I see my son starting his sister’s day off with a smile as he talks with her and delights in her. My children reflect everything I do. The way I greet and talk to Daddy; the way I treat others; the way I live life; everything I do, everything I say, they look at me and learn. By the time a child is five years old his brain is 90 percent developed—and his soul is 90 percent developed as well. The heart is well on its way to learning empathy, love, kindness, goodness, gentleness, courage, strength, and steadfastness—or anger, laziness, pouting, envy, greed, and lust. I look around and I see parents everywhere raising their reflections. Each child is unique, but still reflects who is raising him. I look at myself and I ask, am I what I want my kids to be? “More is caught than taught,” my daddy always says. Your children are your reflection. Look at your reflection and smile. It is a two-way mirror.  ]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/mirror-of-our-reflection/feed/ 6 Apprenticeship http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/apprenticeship/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/apprenticeship/#comments Wed, 15 Jun 2011 11:05:04 +0000 Michael Pearl http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=5031 Young boy driving a tractor

Little Adults It may be the experience of years that causes me to view all children as little adults. They will mature so quickly. The stumbling, foolish ten-year-old will be an adult in just ten years. In twenty years it will be obvious to him and others whether his life is a success or a failure. Will this little guy or gal running around the church yard think of me favorably ten years from now? What will be his memories of me? Will he remember me as a grumpy old man that spoiled all his fun, or as someone who took interest in his life and was a friend as he was growing up? Will he come to me for counsel or say, “He is the last person I want to talk to”? I feel the need to address all children as people of worth, as souls soaking up their surroundings and forming worldviews with every experience. Each of us is a vital part of the mold that forms eternal souls. It is a grave responsibility. I still have unpleasant memories of several adults, dating back as early as four years old—some brief word spoken in passing, a slight or dismissal, a rebuke I felt was not warranted. Uncles, cousins, church leaders, school teachers, ministers, friends of the family, they knew not that in one event they left an impression by which they are still judged today. The disciples felt there were too many children crowding Jesus, preventing adult conversation, no doubt making too much noise, not appreciating the gravity of the moment, so they rebuked the adults for allowing their children to press in upon Jesus. “But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God” (Mark 10:14). If we ignore the children until their untoward behavior demands our attention, we are foolishly wasting human resources. Better to bind what is not yet broken than to try to repair the shattered and wasted lives of adults. Go love a child today; see the adult in them and plant seeds that will bear fruit long after you are gone. ☺    ]]> Young boy driving a tractor

Little Adults It may be the experience of years that causes me to view all children as little adults. They will mature so quickly. The stumbling, foolish ten-year-old will be an adult in just ten years. In twenty years it will be obvious to him and others whether his life is a success or a failure. Will this little guy or gal running around the church yard think of me favorably ten years from now? What will be his memories of me? Will he remember me as a grumpy old man that spoiled all his fun, or as someone who took interest in his life and was a friend as he was growing up? Will he come to me for counsel or say, “He is the last person I want to talk to”? I feel the need to address all children as people of worth, as souls soaking up their surroundings and forming worldviews with every experience. Each of us is a vital part of the mold that forms eternal souls. It is a grave responsibility. I still have unpleasant memories of several adults, dating back as early as four years old—some brief word spoken in passing, a slight or dismissal, a rebuke I felt was not warranted. Uncles, cousins, church leaders, school teachers, ministers, friends of the family, they knew not that in one event they left an impression by which they are still judged today. The disciples felt there were too many children crowding Jesus, preventing adult conversation, no doubt making too much noise, not appreciating the gravity of the moment, so they rebuked the adults for allowing their children to press in upon Jesus. “But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God” (Mark 10:14). If we ignore the children until their untoward behavior demands our attention, we are foolishly wasting human resources. Better to bind what is not yet broken than to try to repair the shattered and wasted lives of adults. Go love a child today; see the adult in them and plant seeds that will bear fruit long after you are gone. ☺    ]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/apprenticeship/feed/ 7 Angry Children, Part 2 http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/angry-children-part-2/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/angry-children-part-2/#comments Sun, 15 May 2011 11:00:21 +0000 Michael Pearl http://new.nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=5024 Dark-haired little boy with a scowl on his face

We previously discussed why children get angry and what we as parents can do to train them to be at peace with the world and all its inhabitants. We pointed out that frustration over one’s inability to manage the environment to one’s pleasure is the basic cause of anger. Another major source of anger is the “righteous indignation” one feels toward injustice and evil. Nothing is wrong with righteous indignation, as long as it is righteous. The problem is that we fallen creatures of Adam’s race are able to convince ourselves that anyone who thwarts our happiness or prevents our pleasure is evil, and that to rise up in defense of our rights is righteous. If we are to combat anger in ourselves and our children we must first understand it. Anger is a natural human emotion. The word of God says, “Be ye angry, and sin not,” implying that not all anger is sin, but also implying that anger can be a dangerous harbinger of sin. In fact, we generally think of anger as sin because, in the vast majority of cases, it puts us on the slippery slope to sin. We deceive ourselves by disguising our selfish motives as righteous crusades. When we encounter injustice or bullying it is proper to be angry. Anger motivates us to respond in defense of the weak and oppressed. It makes us advocates for truth and liberty, causing us to drop our routines and dedicate our resources to righting wrongs. Anger motivates us to be heroes, sacrificing our time, money, and even lives to come to the rescue of helpless victims. The victim we most readily rescue is self, and afterward family and friends. My thoughts are, if you try to take away my God-given life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness you are evil and I am the righteous, offended victim. I put on my hero cape and stop the evil oppression. In most cases my righteous tools are sharp-pointed words, designed to expose the dastardly evil and put the villain in his place. I feel righteous and even glorious in my savior role. It is stimulating to point the finger and speak in a commanding and condemning voice. We are prosecuting attorneys and judges rooting out evil, setting the record straight, ending tyranny and evil aggression. Wow! It feels good to be on the side of truth, justice, and fair play. We know it is wrong to try to take advantage of someone else, so we stand sentinel, making sure evil does not prevail. I hear our caped hero as he fights against injustice, “You made the biggest mistake of your life when you tried to put me down, thinking I was an easy target, somebody to be used and abused, but you will see that I am the defender of the oppressed and will not allow your evil to prevail. Go ahead, make my day!” The release of anger is a “righteous” cleansing, a celebration of our power and dedication to the good and just. Nearly every angry outburst is rooted in righteous feelings. A man rails at his neighbor over his loud music, “It is wrong to invade my property with your offensive music; I will put an end to your selfish ways and force you to do the right thing.” Anger springs from the belief that somebody did me or another wrong. A wife angrily nags her husband, “Why didn’t you call and tell me you were going to be late; I spent three hours preparing this meal and it went to waste. You are so inconsiderate.” She believes she is on the side of right and he is wrong—a child that needs to be rebuked, a thoughtless, evil man that cares for no one but himself. It is her duty to set things right, to rebuke and warn and threaten until he sees the error of his ways and stops hurting people. Anger is a generated drama where self is the star—the defender of justice, the conquering aggressor. If feels good to strike a blow for the good guys, to put down the enemy. A three-year-old child is told to go to sleep, or that he cannot have a cookie, or that he can’t go out to play, and he throws an angry tantrum. If we could get into his mind we would discover that he thinks he is in the right and is being wrongly treated. Adults go out when they please and get in the cookie jar when they wish, and adults stay up late; so it is obviously a human right. He is being bullied and deprived of his divine right to free self-expression. It is just cause for a war. Throw off the tyrant and live free. It is the righteous duty of all free three-year-olds everywhere. If you are going to effectively combat anger in your children you must see into their souls and address their grievances from their perspectives. Do not assume that they should just cheerfully obey without understanding why. When government is arbitrary and infringes upon our liberties, we adults get angry. But if the road detour is explained as a bridge that is out, we accept the temporary inconvenience. The angry child sometimes experiences unpleasantness in his expressions of anger, but most of the time it produces various degrees of pleasure. It is that pleasurable stimulation that causes the chronically angry child to return to anger when there isn’t justifiable provocation. In anger one relishes the opportunity to get even with somebody. Further, in anger one convinces himself that he is right and that the other fellow is wrong. That gives a mental pleasure. The pleasure of anger is the pleasure of a conqueror or of a crusader for truth and justice. It is soothing to assert oneself and display strength and courage in the face of the “wicked” adversary. Adults will go away and brag about how they “called a spade a spade,” how they “shot from the shoulder” and “told it like it is.” He gave a good account of himself and is quite satisfied with his performance, expecting others to admire his fortitude and courage. You must understand that just as adults deceive themselves about their motives, so do children. If a child thinks he is just in his anger, no amount of spanking or corrective discipline is going to cause him to be less angry. To the contrary, an untaught child that is forcefully disciplined will become even more angry. The cure is training. “Train up a child in the way he should go…” Communicate a world view that causes the child to respect the rule of family law, knowing that it is for his good. Allow your children to manage some part of their lives so as to feel they have the power of self-determination. Every child must have important areas in which he is permitted to take care of himself, to act and bear the negative or positive consequences of his choices. If you so control your child’s life so as to thwart the urge to self-determination, he will feel he is being unjustly denied his fundamental God-given right to use his own judgment, his own vigilance, and his own capabilities. Obviously children cannot be given free rein to self-expression, or they would turn out to be hedonistic hippies. They come into this world with a full measure of appetite and no self-control, no value system, no powers of self-denial. It is our responsibility to communicate and instill these traits in our children. When they are angry, we are communicating nothing but how to respond to an adversary. Furthermore, when children are provoked to anger over and over again they come to find pleasure in it and will make opportunities to express anger. They become addicted to it. It seems hopeless, but it is not. It is not even difficult to train them to be thankful and cooperative participants in the family program. The key is fellowship. You must make your children like you, then respect you, and then care about how you feel. If this becomes a reality, and they see you as consistent, they will trust your judgment even when they do not understand your reasons because they will believe you have their best interest at heart. You will receive good will when you communicate good will. Tit for tat. Anger from a parent begets anger. Praise and compassion begets praise and compassion. Patience begets patience. Discipline begets discipline. You can’t get more out of a child than you put in, and you cannot put in what you do not have. Develop your own soul and you will develop the soul of your children. The obvious question is, “In what areas should I allow my child self-determination?” Do not allow them self-determination in areas that have irreversible or permanently harmful consequences. They should not be allowed to decide what they want to watch on television, or who to communicate with on social networking. Smaller children should not be allowed to determine what they eat and when they eat, or where they go, or who their friends will be. If they want a goldfish or a lizard, allow them to have full responsibility in the feeding and care, even if they starve the poor creature to death. It will be a lesson well learned. Allow them to foolishly spend their money. Instruct them in safety and do not allow them to do risky things like climb to the top of a tree, but do allow them to do things that can result in minor pain if they have bad judgment. I let my children ride their red wagons down a hill. They chose how high and how fast, which resulted in some wrecks and pain but no severe injuries. Allow your children to paint a piece of furniture, to make a table, repair an object, tend their own garden, etc. Offer assistance as they ask for it, but do not rob them of the feeling of autonomy by intruding into the course of events with the intention of not allowing them to fail. Make sure your children understand the family rules and the consequences of breaking them, and then allow them to obey or disobey and accept the consequences without your anger or emotion. I cannot dictate all the areas that children should be allowed self-determination. It will vary from family to family and child to child, and with age and level of maturity. Understand the principle and you can adapt it to your family. You want to allow your children to experience the mechanisms of life and society with all of their rewards and negative consequences. They must feel the exhilaration of success and the ignominy of defeat. That is life, and it builds character.  ]]> Dark-haired little boy with a scowl on his face

We previously discussed why children get angry and what we as parents can do to train them to be at peace with the world and all its inhabitants. We pointed out that frustration over one’s inability to manage the environment to one’s pleasure is the basic cause of anger. Another major source of anger is the “righteous indignation” one feels toward injustice and evil. Nothing is wrong with righteous indignation, as long as it is righteous. The problem is that we fallen creatures of Adam’s race are able to convince ourselves that anyone who thwarts our happiness or prevents our pleasure is evil, and that to rise up in defense of our rights is righteous. If we are to combat anger in ourselves and our children we must first understand it. Anger is a natural human emotion. The word of God says, “Be ye angry, and sin not,” implying that not all anger is sin, but also implying that anger can be a dangerous harbinger of sin. In fact, we generally think of anger as sin because, in the vast majority of cases, it puts us on the slippery slope to sin. We deceive ourselves by disguising our selfish motives as righteous crusades. When we encounter injustice or bullying it is proper to be angry. Anger motivates us to respond in defense of the weak and oppressed. It makes us advocates for truth and liberty, causing us to drop our routines and dedicate our resources to righting wrongs. Anger motivates us to be heroes, sacrificing our time, money, and even lives to come to the rescue of helpless victims. The victim we most readily rescue is self, and afterward family and friends. My thoughts are, if you try to take away my God-given life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness you are evil and I am the righteous, offended victim. I put on my hero cape and stop the evil oppression. In most cases my righteous tools are sharp-pointed words, designed to expose the dastardly evil and put the villain in his place. I feel righteous and even glorious in my savior role. It is stimulating to point the finger and speak in a commanding and condemning voice. We are prosecuting attorneys and judges rooting out evil, setting the record straight, ending tyranny and evil aggression. Wow! It feels good to be on the side of truth, justice, and fair play. We know it is wrong to try to take advantage of someone else, so we stand sentinel, making sure evil does not prevail. I hear our caped hero as he fights against injustice, “You made the biggest mistake of your life when you tried to put me down, thinking I was an easy target, somebody to be used and abused, but you will see that I am the defender of the oppressed and will not allow your evil to prevail. Go ahead, make my day!” The release of anger is a “righteous” cleansing, a celebration of our power and dedication to the good and just. Nearly every angry outburst is rooted in righteous feelings. A man rails at his neighbor over his loud music, “It is wrong to invade my property with your offensive music; I will put an end to your selfish ways and force you to do the right thing.” Anger springs from the belief that somebody did me or another wrong. A wife angrily nags her husband, “Why didn’t you call and tell me you were going to be late; I spent three hours preparing this meal and it went to waste. You are so inconsiderate.” She believes she is on the side of right and he is wrong—a child that needs to be rebuked, a thoughtless, evil man that cares for no one but himself. It is her duty to set things right, to rebuke and warn and threaten until he sees the error of his ways and stops hurting people. Anger is a generated drama where self is the star—the defender of justice, the conquering aggressor. If feels good to strike a blow for the good guys, to put down the enemy. A three-year-old child is told to go to sleep, or that he cannot have a cookie, or that he can’t go out to play, and he throws an angry tantrum. If we could get into his mind we would discover that he thinks he is in the right and is being wrongly treated. Adults go out when they please and get in the cookie jar when they wish, and adults stay up late; so it is obviously a human right. He is being bullied and deprived of his divine right to free self-expression. It is just cause for a war. Throw off the tyrant and live free. It is the righteous duty of all free three-year-olds everywhere. If you are going to effectively combat anger in your children you must see into their souls and address their grievances from their perspectives. Do not assume that they should just cheerfully obey without understanding why. When government is arbitrary and infringes upon our liberties, we adults get angry. But if the road detour is explained as a bridge that is out, we accept the temporary inconvenience. The angry child sometimes experiences unpleasantness in his expressions of anger, but most of the time it produces various degrees of pleasure. It is that pleasurable stimulation that causes the chronically angry child to return to anger when there isn’t justifiable provocation. In anger one relishes the opportunity to get even with somebody. Further, in anger one convinces himself that he is right and that the other fellow is wrong. That gives a mental pleasure. The pleasure of anger is the pleasure of a conqueror or of a crusader for truth and justice. It is soothing to assert oneself and display strength and courage in the face of the “wicked” adversary. Adults will go away and brag about how they “called a spade a spade,” how they “shot from the shoulder” and “told it like it is.” He gave a good account of himself and is quite satisfied with his performance, expecting others to admire his fortitude and courage. You must understand that just as adults deceive themselves about their motives, so do children. If a child thinks he is just in his anger, no amount of spanking or corrective discipline is going to cause him to be less angry. To the contrary, an untaught child that is forcefully disciplined will become even more angry. The cure is training. “Train up a child in the way he should go…” Communicate a world view that causes the child to respect the rule of family law, knowing that it is for his good. Allow your children to manage some part of their lives so as to feel they have the power of self-determination. Every child must have important areas in which he is permitted to take care of himself, to act and bear the negative or positive consequences of his choices. If you so control your child’s life so as to thwart the urge to self-determination, he will feel he is being unjustly denied his fundamental God-given right to use his own judgment, his own vigilance, and his own capabilities. Obviously children cannot be given free rein to self-expression, or they would turn out to be hedonistic hippies. They come into this world with a full measure of appetite and no self-control, no value system, no powers of self-denial. It is our responsibility to communicate and instill these traits in our children. When they are angry, we are communicating nothing but how to respond to an adversary. Furthermore, when children are provoked to anger over and over again they come to find pleasure in it and will make opportunities to express anger. They become addicted to it. It seems hopeless, but it is not. It is not even difficult to train them to be thankful and cooperative participants in the family program. The key is fellowship. You must make your children like you, then respect you, and then care about how you feel. If this becomes a reality, and they see you as consistent, they will trust your judgment even when they do not understand your reasons because they will believe you have their best interest at heart. You will receive good will when you communicate good will. Tit for tat. Anger from a parent begets anger. Praise and compassion begets praise and compassion. Patience begets patience. Discipline begets discipline. You can’t get more out of a child than you put in, and you cannot put in what you do not have. Develop your own soul and you will develop the soul of your children. The obvious question is, “In what areas should I allow my child self-determination?” Do not allow them self-determination in areas that have irreversible or permanently harmful consequences. They should not be allowed to decide what they want to watch on television, or who to communicate with on social networking. Smaller children should not be allowed to determine what they eat and when they eat, or where they go, or who their friends will be. If they want a goldfish or a lizard, allow them to have full responsibility in the feeding and care, even if they starve the poor creature to death. It will be a lesson well learned. Allow them to foolishly spend their money. Instruct them in safety and do not allow them to do risky things like climb to the top of a tree, but do allow them to do things that can result in minor pain if they have bad judgment. I let my children ride their red wagons down a hill. They chose how high and how fast, which resulted in some wrecks and pain but no severe injuries. Allow your children to paint a piece of furniture, to make a table, repair an object, tend their own garden, etc. Offer assistance as they ask for it, but do not rob them of the feeling of autonomy by intruding into the course of events with the intention of not allowing them to fail. Make sure your children understand the family rules and the consequences of breaking them, and then allow them to obey or disobey and accept the consequences without your anger or emotion. I cannot dictate all the areas that children should be allowed self-determination. It will vary from family to family and child to child, and with age and level of maturity. Understand the principle and you can adapt it to your family. You want to allow your children to experience the mechanisms of life and society with all of their rewards and negative consequences. They must feel the exhilaration of success and the ignominy of defeat. That is life, and it builds character.  ]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/angry-children-part-2/feed/ 3