No Greater Joy Ministries » Divorce http://nogreaterjoy.org Over 500 articles from Michael and Debi Pearl on Child Training, Homeschooling, Family, Marriage, Christianity, the Bible, Missions, Simple Living, Gardening, and other topics! Fri, 17 May 2013 11:30:41 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.5.1 Go Love Yourself? http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/go-love-yourself/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/go-love-yourself/#comments Wed, 15 Jun 2011 11:30:49 +0000 Michael Pearl http://nogreaterjoy.org/?post_type=articles&p=5054 Man sitting alone on a bench

Dear Pearls, My wife and I are on different pages. The only thing that is keeping us together is the common goal of wanting the best for our fantastic daughter. When she leaves for university I intend to leave my wife. Am I wrong? Here is the situation: 1) I save; she squanders thousands. 2) I have been faithful. Yet, for most of our 20 years of marriage,  she has pushed me away sexually and tells me repeatedly to go to the bathroom for release. 3) She claims I cannot be trusted and have to earn her respect. 4) She does not work. I make a six figure income. We are comfortable, but cannot afford the lifestyle she expects. 5) After work I am expected to help with housework, meals, and laundry, which I do. But the house is always a mess. She is a hoarder. There is a room of junk you cannot even get into. 6) Once she said she was going to report me as being abusive. I told her I would be glad to call the police on myself or report myself to the church. She said to call the church. I did. The church leaders knew the charge was bogus and said they wanted to stay out of the matter. When my daughter goes to university I intend to give my wife 75 percent of the assets, walk away, and put my daughter through university. Is that reasonable? —John Michael Answers: Since I am hearing only one side of the story, it is impossible to judge in the whole matter, but you have given me enough information to ask some pertinent questions of you and to make a factual observation concerning your wife. The most glaring revelation as to the root of your problem is your statement that, “She claims I cannot be trusted and have to earn her respect.” She reveals that lack of trust and respect, in brushing off your advances and suggesting a disgusting alternative. Her desire to “report you for abuse” suggest she wants outsiders—the government or the church—to acknowledge something she cannot get you to acknowledge: that you have hurt her. Her hoarding suggests she is insecure in her future, although that could be the leftovers of an impoverished youth. Her failure to clean the house indicates a lack of self-respect as well as thanklessness for your lavish provision all these years. It is a slap in your face. Your wife is deeply pained, broken as a human being, unfulfilled as a woman and very lonely. She blames you. She may not think you are the source of her problems, but, at the very least, she blames you for not being the cure. Understand that this is not a question of who is right and who is wrong. It is a question of what you can do to heal her of deep hurts and fears. It is obvious that you have been making sacrifices for the sake of your daughter, but are unwilling to make the same sacrifices for your wife. I understand that she has affronted your masculinity and you just want to get away from the hurt. Try to understand her pain and it will invoke compassion in you. It is very clear that your wife thinks you are duplicitous in your life and commitment to her. You were careful to say, “I have been faithful…for almost 20 years of marriage.” I am assuming that 20 years represents the entire marriage and not just the length of time you have gone without further unfaithfulness. Your characterization of her is typical of a woman that has lived with the shame of being rejected for another woman, or of a woman whose husband has molested his child, or is into pornography. If none of these are true, the next thing I would consider is, did you create guilt in her by engaging in premarital sex? It is often the case that a highly principled virgin who surrenders to her passions and engages in shameful sex before marriage takes that guilt into the marriage and comes to identify all sex with shame and guilt. The association is missed because the inhibitions are not manifested immediately after marriage. It usually takes several weeks or months for the passion to subside and some additional factor of little consequence to trigger the guilt and cause it to override the passion. Once the guilt threshold is met, the only thing that will remove it is complete confession to each other and expressions of shame and repentance. If she sees you ashamed of your sin, confessing you were wrong, her trust can be restored, knowing that hypocrisy no longer lives in you. Whether I have tagged the root or not, the key is to get her to open up and express to you why she is angry, hurt, and bitter. She will be reluctant to open up to someone she doesn’t trust, and you can only restore that trust by becoming transparent yourself. She must become convinced that you are no longer the man that hurt her, that you are approachable, that you will not condemn her or shut her out, that you are interested in her as a person, not just for physical intimacy. So far your entire approach, as expressed in your letter, is to be concerned with your own needs and how you can meet them. You are self-centered, and insensitive. I understand how years of rejection can work on a man, but getting divorced is not going to meet your needs. Your need is in your heart, and you will take that with you wherever you go. You need to listen to my messages Sin No More, listen to the audio Only Men, and watch the DVD Marriage God’s Way.   Debi answers: Dear John, You are a wimp, and even in your threat of parting you are not doing what is good for your wife, but what makes you LOOK like the honorable victim. My advice is practical. It involves simple life changes. But until you repent, begin to seek God, study his Word, and honor him, there will not be a soul change. True joy comes from peace with God. Your wife doesn’t respect you because you don’t respect yourself. She says you “cannot be trusted and have to earn her respect.” I couldn’t respect a man that made love to himself in the bathroom either. Furthermore, she doesn’t like herself any better. She is depressed. Both of you are at fault for the lousy marriage. You are heirs together in this life, and together you share the blame. As the man, it is your responsibility to save your wife from her fear, guilt, and hang-ups. When a man leads his wife in love and goodwill, she usually knows it is in her best interest to follow. On rare occasion, a man’s wife is a harlot or full of bitterness and there is not much the man can do about it, but that is not the issue here. You neglected to lead! You have allowed a no-win situation to continue for 20 years. From the beginning, you should have helped her grow as a person by putting her in the position of having to learn self-restraint, accountability, and work ethic. These lessons are best learned by being a HELPER. In a good marriage a wife is a help meet—a suitable helper. She is busy helping her husband in his business, trying to save for a joint vision, and basically being his indispensable right-hand woman. Your wife has had none of the above. She was given a position (wife) and never given the glorious victory of helping you become a success. It is enough to take the hope and accountability right out of a lady. You will need to artificially jump-start her idle drive. But this is only to re-set the situation. After she gets motivated, you will need to make room in your life for her to be a very necessary HELP to you in all areas of your life. At this point you just want out of your miserable marriage, so I know it is hard for you to believe, but, as many have proven, relationships are so much richer and more satisfying when restored. Once “the grace of life” rules in your marriage, you and your wife will look back a thousand times and give thanks that you chose to fight for your marriage. Both of you will be thankful for the other and for the forgiveness that you have toward the other. It will not be easy, but it is worth the effort. At first it will cause hard feelings, but if you show dignity and honor she will come to see that what you are doing is out of good will and is best for her and your marriage. My radical answer is a response to the radical direction you say you are headed—divorce. Your wife needs to learn what she should have learned years ago. You have enabled her to be disrespectful by tolerating her abhorrent behavior, which is probably due to your own guilt of knowing she is reacting to your sin. Sin begets sin. First, you need to deal with your own sin. She needs to see you are seeking to walk in truth before God and man. Openly admit you have been wrong and are seeking to set right the things you have blotched. Make sure she hears you listening to Sin No More. After a few months of your changing she will begin to believe you are seeking to honor God; then she will not fight you when the correction to your marriage begins to affect her. Take her out to eat one evening to a nice place. While there, explain to her that you know that your sin of not walking in truth and not being a leader has not been good for her. Tell her you sought advice and have diligently been seeking to honor God in all that you do. Tell her you were advised to do several things; some of which will affect her. Tell her you have closed all your credit card accounts and are now paying them off. If she wants a credit card it will be in her name only. Tell her to establish a bank account in her name so she can pay off her own card as it comes due. Ask her how much money she thinks you should put in her account monthly. Explain that the agreed amount will be set in stone. You are doing this for two reasons. The first is to help you get control of your bad habit of looking over her shoulder and nitpicking at what she is spending. The second is so she can learn to live within her means. If during the coming months she needs more allowance, then suggest that she get a part-time job. Remind her how smart and capable she is. She will need to see you have her good in mind. The evening of your talk concerning the money, bring up the housekeeping issue. Tell her a messy house really disturbs you and when you come home from working all day you are just too tired to clean it. Talk about the idea of hiring a housekeeper two days a week. If the housekeeper idea doesn’t work, you might have to set up an area of the house that is yours. For twenty years, your wife has felt that she is a loser. And in fact, she is. So are you. As heirs together in the grace of life, the only living sign that either of you have succeeded is your daughter. You think your daughter will not need her mama and daddy after she goes to college, but you are wrong. Her world is about to expand and more than ever she will need both of you as a compass. A broken compass always points in the wrong direction. You think you can just divorce the “loser” and marry again and everything will be just wonderful, but that is not true. You are half the problem, and as such you will always be that same problem, only with a different lady who has other problems. Sadly, you can’t divorce yourself. It is much better to face these hard issues head-on and deal with all the emotional turmoil and fighting that will occur until the two of you grow up. Your wife will find all this change disturbing yet stimulating. She might step up and decide she likes being married and start acting like she is a wife with a man who is, after all, a real man. With a few nice compliments and a little encouragement she might do the right thing. I suspect she has goodwill toward you, but she appears to be a little lazy and self-centered. This fault can easily be fixed with some motivation and should have been fixed long ago. So don’t think of quitting, but instead start planning how you can bring your lady alongside you and keep her there. The two of you are heirs together. Is it grace you are inheriting or defeat? Your daughter is a direct heir of the life you and your wife create together. What will she take into her marriage? Will it make her a better wife? Will she be a happier person because of the love she has seen in her parents? It is past time to do the right thing. The suggestions I have made are only a beginning, a hint at the direction you should take. There will be surprises and adjustment required. Don’t stop here. Get your wife involved in your life, your work, your interests. Find her an exercise class; study health and herbs together; encourage her to volunteer with the elderly or teach Sunday School. If she is handy with crafts then talk with her about helping in a preschool art class. See if she is interested in going to back to school to study something that would help you in a side business, then start a business. Be sure to have a hobby together. Plan a mission trip abroad to change your life’s vision and be heirs together in the grace of life. Life is too short to miss a single day. Let her know that she is in fact, the love of your life. You need her. You bless the day she came to you. You think she is beautiful. You are amazed how feminine she is after all these years. Mush, mush, and more mush. Women love it if they can only believe you mean what you say. Every woman longs to be cherished, and every loved woman wants to bless her man. Resources • Pray for your spouse’s wisdom, peace of mind and that their heart would be set on the Lord • Read:
  • 1 Corinthians 13
  • Ephesians 5:25–33
• Watch:
  • Marriage God’s Way DVD
• Listen:
  • Sin No More
  • Only Men
• Buy:
  • Roses
]]> Man sitting alone on a bench

Dear Pearls, My wife and I are on different pages. The only thing that is keeping us together is the common goal of wanting the best for our fantastic daughter. When she leaves for university I intend to leave my wife. Am I wrong? Here is the situation: 1) I save; she squanders thousands. 2) I have been faithful. Yet, for most of our 20 years of marriage,  she has pushed me away sexually and tells me repeatedly to go to the bathroom for release. 3) She claims I cannot be trusted and have to earn her respect. 4) She does not work. I make a six figure income. We are comfortable, but cannot afford the lifestyle she expects. 5) After work I am expected to help with housework, meals, and laundry, which I do. But the house is always a mess. She is a hoarder. There is a room of junk you cannot even get into. 6) Once she said she was going to report me as being abusive. I told her I would be glad to call the police on myself or report myself to the church. She said to call the church. I did. The church leaders knew the charge was bogus and said they wanted to stay out of the matter. When my daughter goes to university I intend to give my wife 75 percent of the assets, walk away, and put my daughter through university. Is that reasonable? —John Michael Answers: Since I am hearing only one side of the story, it is impossible to judge in the whole matter, but you have given me enough information to ask some pertinent questions of you and to make a factual observation concerning your wife. The most glaring revelation as to the root of your problem is your statement that, “She claims I cannot be trusted and have to earn her respect.” She reveals that lack of trust and respect, in brushing off your advances and suggesting a disgusting alternative. Her desire to “report you for abuse” suggest she wants outsiders—the government or the church—to acknowledge something she cannot get you to acknowledge: that you have hurt her. Her hoarding suggests she is insecure in her future, although that could be the leftovers of an impoverished youth. Her failure to clean the house indicates a lack of self-respect as well as thanklessness for your lavish provision all these years. It is a slap in your face. Your wife is deeply pained, broken as a human being, unfulfilled as a woman and very lonely. She blames you. She may not think you are the source of her problems, but, at the very least, she blames you for not being the cure. Understand that this is not a question of who is right and who is wrong. It is a question of what you can do to heal her of deep hurts and fears. It is obvious that you have been making sacrifices for the sake of your daughter, but are unwilling to make the same sacrifices for your wife. I understand that she has affronted your masculinity and you just want to get away from the hurt. Try to understand her pain and it will invoke compassion in you. It is very clear that your wife thinks you are duplicitous in your life and commitment to her. You were careful to say, “I have been faithful…for almost 20 years of marriage.” I am assuming that 20 years represents the entire marriage and not just the length of time you have gone without further unfaithfulness. Your characterization of her is typical of a woman that has lived with the shame of being rejected for another woman, or of a woman whose husband has molested his child, or is into pornography. If none of these are true, the next thing I would consider is, did you create guilt in her by engaging in premarital sex? It is often the case that a highly principled virgin who surrenders to her passions and engages in shameful sex before marriage takes that guilt into the marriage and comes to identify all sex with shame and guilt. The association is missed because the inhibitions are not manifested immediately after marriage. It usually takes several weeks or months for the passion to subside and some additional factor of little consequence to trigger the guilt and cause it to override the passion. Once the guilt threshold is met, the only thing that will remove it is complete confession to each other and expressions of shame and repentance. If she sees you ashamed of your sin, confessing you were wrong, her trust can be restored, knowing that hypocrisy no longer lives in you. Whether I have tagged the root or not, the key is to get her to open up and express to you why she is angry, hurt, and bitter. She will be reluctant to open up to someone she doesn’t trust, and you can only restore that trust by becoming transparent yourself. She must become convinced that you are no longer the man that hurt her, that you are approachable, that you will not condemn her or shut her out, that you are interested in her as a person, not just for physical intimacy. So far your entire approach, as expressed in your letter, is to be concerned with your own needs and how you can meet them. You are self-centered, and insensitive. I understand how years of rejection can work on a man, but getting divorced is not going to meet your needs. Your need is in your heart, and you will take that with you wherever you go. You need to listen to my messages Sin No More, listen to the audio Only Men, and watch the DVD Marriage God’s Way.   Debi answers: Dear John, You are a wimp, and even in your threat of parting you are not doing what is good for your wife, but what makes you LOOK like the honorable victim. My advice is practical. It involves simple life changes. But until you repent, begin to seek God, study his Word, and honor him, there will not be a soul change. True joy comes from peace with God. Your wife doesn’t respect you because you don’t respect yourself. She says you “cannot be trusted and have to earn her respect.” I couldn’t respect a man that made love to himself in the bathroom either. Furthermore, she doesn’t like herself any better. She is depressed. Both of you are at fault for the lousy marriage. You are heirs together in this life, and together you share the blame. As the man, it is your responsibility to save your wife from her fear, guilt, and hang-ups. When a man leads his wife in love and goodwill, she usually knows it is in her best interest to follow. On rare occasion, a man’s wife is a harlot or full of bitterness and there is not much the man can do about it, but that is not the issue here. You neglected to lead! You have allowed a no-win situation to continue for 20 years. From the beginning, you should have helped her grow as a person by putting her in the position of having to learn self-restraint, accountability, and work ethic. These lessons are best learned by being a HELPER. In a good marriage a wife is a help meet—a suitable helper. She is busy helping her husband in his business, trying to save for a joint vision, and basically being his indispensable right-hand woman. Your wife has had none of the above. She was given a position (wife) and never given the glorious victory of helping you become a success. It is enough to take the hope and accountability right out of a lady. You will need to artificially jump-start her idle drive. But this is only to re-set the situation. After she gets motivated, you will need to make room in your life for her to be a very necessary HELP to you in all areas of your life. At this point you just want out of your miserable marriage, so I know it is hard for you to believe, but, as many have proven, relationships are so much richer and more satisfying when restored. Once “the grace of life” rules in your marriage, you and your wife will look back a thousand times and give thanks that you chose to fight for your marriage. Both of you will be thankful for the other and for the forgiveness that you have toward the other. It will not be easy, but it is worth the effort. At first it will cause hard feelings, but if you show dignity and honor she will come to see that what you are doing is out of good will and is best for her and your marriage. My radical answer is a response to the radical direction you say you are headed—divorce. Your wife needs to learn what she should have learned years ago. You have enabled her to be disrespectful by tolerating her abhorrent behavior, which is probably due to your own guilt of knowing she is reacting to your sin. Sin begets sin. First, you need to deal with your own sin. She needs to see you are seeking to walk in truth before God and man. Openly admit you have been wrong and are seeking to set right the things you have blotched. Make sure she hears you listening to Sin No More. After a few months of your changing she will begin to believe you are seeking to honor God; then she will not fight you when the correction to your marriage begins to affect her. Take her out to eat one evening to a nice place. While there, explain to her that you know that your sin of not walking in truth and not being a leader has not been good for her. Tell her you sought advice and have diligently been seeking to honor God in all that you do. Tell her you were advised to do several things; some of which will affect her. Tell her you have closed all your credit card accounts and are now paying them off. If she wants a credit card it will be in her name only. Tell her to establish a bank account in her name so she can pay off her own card as it comes due. Ask her how much money she thinks you should put in her account monthly. Explain that the agreed amount will be set in stone. You are doing this for two reasons. The first is to help you get control of your bad habit of looking over her shoulder and nitpicking at what she is spending. The second is so she can learn to live within her means. If during the coming months she needs more allowance, then suggest that she get a part-time job. Remind her how smart and capable she is. She will need to see you have her good in mind. The evening of your talk concerning the money, bring up the housekeeping issue. Tell her a messy house really disturbs you and when you come home from working all day you are just too tired to clean it. Talk about the idea of hiring a housekeeper two days a week. If the housekeeper idea doesn’t work, you might have to set up an area of the house that is yours. For twenty years, your wife has felt that she is a loser. And in fact, she is. So are you. As heirs together in the grace of life, the only living sign that either of you have succeeded is your daughter. You think your daughter will not need her mama and daddy after she goes to college, but you are wrong. Her world is about to expand and more than ever she will need both of you as a compass. A broken compass always points in the wrong direction. You think you can just divorce the “loser” and marry again and everything will be just wonderful, but that is not true. You are half the problem, and as such you will always be that same problem, only with a different lady who has other problems. Sadly, you can’t divorce yourself. It is much better to face these hard issues head-on and deal with all the emotional turmoil and fighting that will occur until the two of you grow up. Your wife will find all this change disturbing yet stimulating. She might step up and decide she likes being married and start acting like she is a wife with a man who is, after all, a real man. With a few nice compliments and a little encouragement she might do the right thing. I suspect she has goodwill toward you, but she appears to be a little lazy and self-centered. This fault can easily be fixed with some motivation and should have been fixed long ago. So don’t think of quitting, but instead start planning how you can bring your lady alongside you and keep her there. The two of you are heirs together. Is it grace you are inheriting or defeat? Your daughter is a direct heir of the life you and your wife create together. What will she take into her marriage? Will it make her a better wife? Will she be a happier person because of the love she has seen in her parents? It is past time to do the right thing. The suggestions I have made are only a beginning, a hint at the direction you should take. There will be surprises and adjustment required. Don’t stop here. Get your wife involved in your life, your work, your interests. Find her an exercise class; study health and herbs together; encourage her to volunteer with the elderly or teach Sunday School. If she is handy with crafts then talk with her about helping in a preschool art class. See if she is interested in going to back to school to study something that would help you in a side business, then start a business. Be sure to have a hobby together. Plan a mission trip abroad to change your life’s vision and be heirs together in the grace of life. Life is too short to miss a single day. Let her know that she is in fact, the love of your life. You need her. You bless the day she came to you. You think she is beautiful. You are amazed how feminine she is after all these years. Mush, mush, and more mush. Women love it if they can only believe you mean what you say. Every woman longs to be cherished, and every loved woman wants to bless her man. Resources • Pray for your spouse’s wisdom, peace of mind and that their heart would be set on the Lord • Read:
  • 1 Corinthians 13
  • Ephesians 5:25–33
• Watch:
  • Marriage God’s Way DVD
• Listen:
  • Sin No More
  • Only Men
• Buy:
  • Roses
]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/go-love-yourself/feed/ 21 Abusive Husband http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/abusive-husband/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/abusive-husband/#comments Sun, 15 Aug 1999 11:05:54 +0000 Debi Pearl http://nogreaterjoy.org/?p=3584 1200X800

I want you to read what I must read all too often. "Hi, I've been reading your material for years and respect your insight on child rearing. It has helped me immensely! I have a friend that is married to a verbally abusive husband. Most of your material is geared to married Christians. This friend of mine is saved, but her husband is not. They have a seven-year-old daughter that is a confused, emotional wreck already. Her husband has had multiple affairs with other women. He uses their daughter to manipulate situations and hurt her mother. Whatever training the mother does with her daughter, the father tells the daughter not to listen to a word that she says. The little girl is told by the father that the mother is hitting her when she spanks her. It is a horrible situation. The father does not provide them with any food, a vehicle, payment for doctor visits, and so on. The mother has filed for divorce, not knowing if this is the right thing to do or not, but not knowing what else to do, she did. It has been 5 months now, and her husband has not been served. She has called her Christian lawyer many times about this. She now believes that this must be the Lord's will that she stay in this situation. Meanwhile, her daughter is growing more and more difficult at home and in school, with every passing day. The situation is so much worse than I could even begin to describe to you in this short letter. I know she would appreciate any insight that you would have to offer. She is very concerned for her daughter and wants only to do what the Lord would have her to do. Thanks for your help. Love in Christ, Her Friend."
Debi Pearl answers: The Scripture makes it very clear how God feels about divorce, He hates it. It is an Old Testament passage, but God has not changed his mind. He still hates divorce. It is not His will, it wasn't so from the beginning, and it is not so today. There have been occasions, both in Scripture and in our ministry, where a man was so vile that God has killed him. A woman can come to God asking Him to deliver her from a man if he will not repent, but a woman should be sure she has obeyed God in her relationship to her husband, before she asks such a thing. God has given us several promises concerning marriage to unbelievers. I Peter 3:1-6 tells us how to win our unbelieving husband, and in 1Cor. 7:14 God promises that our children will be holy if we stay with our unbelieving spouse and honor God in our relationship with him. That is a promise from God. These Scriptures give us the "how to" on our end and the expected results. I have seen God keep His word. I have also seen many who would expect God to keep His word when they did not obey their end of the "how to." I am not taking her situation lightly. I know that although I am married to a righteous man, I have often wanted to demand my rights and set him straight. How much more difficult it must be for a young woman being subjected to the unreasonable demands of a lost, selfish man? But God is able, not only to save your man, but also to take you to a place of sweet loving kindness in the midst of turmoil. God is also able to save your children. There is no promise in Scripture to spare your children if you leave your lost husband. I could give you a list of hundreds of godly Christians that chose to leave their unbelieving spouses and then married a believing spouse, had decent marriages, but lost their children to the world and bitterness. I have sat and listened to many say, "We sinned; our children suffered, and we lost them to the world. They hate us. My divorce was wrong. Oh if only…" God didn't destroy that family. He didn't cause those many lives to be lost. It was the principle of what you sow you will reap. God hates divorce because divorce is destructive. Its temporary relief deceives people into thinking they have somehow escaped the long-term, tragic reaping that comes with divorce, the reaping that sometimes reaches its ugly arm into the 3rd or 4th generation. It affects an ever widening circle of people. Others look on, especially the young married couples, and see your divorce as a quick fix, and follow your lead. When things get rough in their marriage, your situation has helped mold them to go the same road. And so the circle of destruction is passed on to countless more. Seeds of sin just keep on replanting themselves, and bitter hurt seems to go on forever. God hates divorce because it hurts so many. God made a way to win your husband and change your marriage. I Peter 3:1-4 says, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands: that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." God tells us here, if your husband is not obeying the word of God, then you can win him without trying to teach him the Word of God. God says that as a husband looks on and sees the way his wife responds to him, he will be won. He will hear and see her cheerful countenance. He will notice her willingness to help and forgive. He will see her giving up her rights and not taking offense when he knows he has wronged her. He will see she honors him, obeys him, treats him with respect, and serves him with a non-rebellious, non-resistant attitude. He will see her spirit is not raging outwardly in emotional fits or inwardly in silent brooding of hurt, but her spirit is quiet, restful, and peaceful. He will see she doesn't puff up and talk incessantly in criticism of him—or others. He trusts her. He knows she is not going to discuss him with her pastor or friend. He sees she is wise with what little money he gives her. She is a remarkable woman, not because she is classy in the way she dresses or looks, but in the way she controls her spirit. She rejoices for an opportunity to bless him, and he knows her heart is good. He tries her; he deliberately tempts her into hurt or anger; he judges her unfairly; he demands things of her that he knows embarrasses her, yet she is in subjection to him in all things. And in the end, she wins him by her chaste conversation. It is a promise from God to you. And God goes on to promise more to this obedient, believing lady. "And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy (I Cor. 7:13)." When children have a believing parent that is walking in honor to God and her spouse, it will causes the child to honor that believing parent. The child will find refuge, companionship, joy, and respect in that parent. It is a natural law. If your child is failing, then you need to look at yourself and say, "Am I continuing in faith and sobriety? Am I walking in peace and joy? Am I willing to forgive and forget? Am I feeling sorry for myself and playing the sad face, or am I rejoicing and believing God? Is the expression on my face and the words coming from my mouth a reflection of the joy of the Lord?" It is an impossible task, yet with God all things are possible. God is able, and with him you can do the impossible. You can wake up in the morning with a song in your heart, kissing your child and laughing at the sunlight sprinkling your room. You can serve, give, forgive, and enjoy the victory you have in Jesus. And when you feel that hurt, angry spirit rise up, you can open your mouth in praise and thanksgiving to God that you are free from sin and bondage, and free to be glad. In that kind of atmosphere, a child grows stable and complete, a selfish man stops fighting and trying to defeat and subdue. Dear Mama, whether your husband is lost or saved, God has given you the opportunity to set the atmosphere in your home that will bring joy, peace, thanksgiving, and love. He has given you the tools to become the most loved woman and mother on all the earth. He has given you the plan to right a thousand wrongs and prove to the world that with God all things are possible. He has provided you with the way to show the devil that God can take the weakest, silliest wreck of a woman; a woman that has given-over to become broken, both physically and emotionally, and turn her into a strong, confident, God fearing, honoring, joyful, yes, even thankful woman. One day you will wake up, turn your head to smile good morning to your husband, and see the tears of thanksgiving glistening in his eyes as he tells you one more time how much he loves you and how proud he is to have you as his wife. Then someday as the years pass you will hear your teenage sons and daughters speak of how wonderful their mama is, and you will think that life could never be any sweeter. This is what God loves, because it brings so much happiness, so much joy, so much peace. And the blessings will continue to flow out, not only to you but to your children and your children's children, and then to those around you who see God's blessings and hunger to know the truth. It was not the easy road; God's way never is. This happened because day by day, minute by minute, you chose to believe God's Word and honor him even though your flesh wanted to scream in anger and defeat. And in that moment of weakness, when you bowed beneath the load, God reached down and gently reminded you to keep on because some day your children will "arise and call you blessed; your husband also, and he praiseth you. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all." Women have a tendency to want the answer to their prayers NOW. That is one reason why divorce is so prevalent. But haste is not God's way. In truth, it is not the best way. In the end, when the blessings begin to flow, it will seem like such a short time, because the blessings never end. Every blessing-seed plants another. Divorce is the world's way out. But God is able, and with Him, so are you. God loves to bless you; he loves to heal you; he loves to hear that your children walk in truth. You say your husband is just "too vile," that it would "take a miracle" or him "dying and being born all over again." Yes, now you are beginning to understand. God has a miraculous plan to make it possible. You are part of that plan. Every day, minute by minute, as you respond to the living God in obedience and thanksgiving, you make that plan unfold. "That, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives." He has given you the power to overcome the reactions (lust) of the flesh and to see that plan become a reality in your life. Will you? As surely as this article goes out to the many thousands, a score of angry women will write me a letter containing personal examples, proving this could not work with their daughter's husband, or with their friend's husband. They will tell me the vile, ugly things the husbands do and of the broken sweet lady in distress, and I will agree. But I would remind you that in the verse that records the sowing and reaping we are warned not to be deceived. It is easy to be deceived by our feelings and what we see. When a person is deceived, they are convinced they are doing right. It seems right, it feels right, everyone says there is nothing else to do. Eve felt that way once. We, as with Eve, think that the will of God stands in the way of our freedom and peace. We believe that due to our unusual circumstances, we are an exception. "Be not deceived, God is not mocked, for whatsoever a man soweth that shall he also reap." God hates divorce. Divorce has its own set of tragic reapings. If only you could see past today and tomorrow. If only you could get a glimpse of the years to come and of eternity, you would then agree with God. One man and one woman, loving and enjoying each other was and is God's best plan. It was such a good plan that he made it a picture of his relationship to us, His Church. The second time around can never substitute for this. Divorce followed by the most wonderful second marriage is still a failure, and will be throughout eternity. When you chunk a bad marriage, you chunk your lifelong opportunity for God to have manifested his power and glory. A failing marriage is a challenge to God. When you divorce, you divest God of the opportunity of ever making something glorious out of the Devil’s mess. Divorce is not just your failure, it becomes the failure of God to triumph in those circumstances. You are not just saying that it is "more than you can bear," but that it is "more than God could handle." This is a hard saying. For many reading this, it is simply an impossible dream. For some it is more like a nightmare. I am here to tell you, the Christian life is a miracle. If it is not a miracle against all odds, then it is not Christian; it is only a religious life. God has given you the "how to," and he has given you his Spirit to make it possible. He will give you the heart to want it to happen—if you ask him. He is a good God. Michael adds his thoughts: If you or your children have been hit (other than the children being spanked) so as to leave discernable marks two hours later, and you genuinely fear that he will repeat his battering, you can take legal steps without divorcing your husband. In a moment when he is not angry, calmly inform him that the next time he physically assaults you or the kids, you are going to call the law and have him arrested. You must first resolve in your heart that you are willing to prosecute him and see him go to jail. I visit prisons every week. It is a great place to mull over the consequences of one’s deeds. And I have never met a prisoner that turned down a visit from anyone. Think about it, lady; it is a great time for writing love letters and sharing a three-minute romantic phone call once a week. Guys who get out of prison run straight home to their ladies and treat them wonderfully—for a while anyway. If your abusing husband fully understands that you have the power of the law behind you, he will learn to keep his hands in his pockets. I am not suggesting you do this to be vindictive or to get even with him. It must be done in humility and love. If your husbands knows that you are the weaker vessel, desperately seeking your survival and that of the kids, and that you are not trying to punish him, but that you are going to stand by and continue to love him, that you are going to wait for him to get out of prison and then try to start over again, it may move his heart to fear if not to repentance. You say, he cannot help himself. Does he help himself when his peers—other men his own size—make him angry? Does he fly out of control and start hitting his boss or his employees? No? Then he has self-control when he must. The law can make it a must, which will allow you to continue with him and demonstrate your womanhood and win him to yourself and then to your God. But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is truly repentant (not just exposed) and is willing to seek counseling, you may feel comfortable giving him an opportunity to prove himself, as long as you know the children are safe. If there is any thought that they are not safe, or if he is not repentant and willing to seek help, then go to the law and have him arrested. Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution. Will this glorify God? Forever. You ask, "What if he doesn’t repent even then?" Then you will be rewarded in heaven equal to the martyrs, and God will have something to rub in the Devil’s face. God hates divorce—always, forever, regardless, without exception.]]> 1200X800

I want you to read what I must read all too often. "Hi, I've been reading your material for years and respect your insight on child rearing. It has helped me immensely! I have a friend that is married to a verbally abusive husband. Most of your material is geared to married Christians. This friend of mine is saved, but her husband is not. They have a seven-year-old daughter that is a confused, emotional wreck already. Her husband has had multiple affairs with other women. He uses their daughter to manipulate situations and hurt her mother. Whatever training the mother does with her daughter, the father tells the daughter not to listen to a word that she says. The little girl is told by the father that the mother is hitting her when she spanks her. It is a horrible situation. The father does not provide them with any food, a vehicle, payment for doctor visits, and so on. The mother has filed for divorce, not knowing if this is the right thing to do or not, but not knowing what else to do, she did. It has been 5 months now, and her husband has not been served. She has called her Christian lawyer many times about this. She now believes that this must be the Lord's will that she stay in this situation. Meanwhile, her daughter is growing more and more difficult at home and in school, with every passing day. The situation is so much worse than I could even begin to describe to you in this short letter. I know she would appreciate any insight that you would have to offer. She is very concerned for her daughter and wants only to do what the Lord would have her to do. Thanks for your help. Love in Christ, Her Friend."
Debi Pearl answers: The Scripture makes it very clear how God feels about divorce, He hates it. It is an Old Testament passage, but God has not changed his mind. He still hates divorce. It is not His will, it wasn't so from the beginning, and it is not so today. There have been occasions, both in Scripture and in our ministry, where a man was so vile that God has killed him. A woman can come to God asking Him to deliver her from a man if he will not repent, but a woman should be sure she has obeyed God in her relationship to her husband, before she asks such a thing. God has given us several promises concerning marriage to unbelievers. I Peter 3:1-6 tells us how to win our unbelieving husband, and in 1Cor. 7:14 God promises that our children will be holy if we stay with our unbelieving spouse and honor God in our relationship with him. That is a promise from God. These Scriptures give us the "how to" on our end and the expected results. I have seen God keep His word. I have also seen many who would expect God to keep His word when they did not obey their end of the "how to." I am not taking her situation lightly. I know that although I am married to a righteous man, I have often wanted to demand my rights and set him straight. How much more difficult it must be for a young woman being subjected to the unreasonable demands of a lost, selfish man? But God is able, not only to save your man, but also to take you to a place of sweet loving kindness in the midst of turmoil. God is also able to save your children. There is no promise in Scripture to spare your children if you leave your lost husband. I could give you a list of hundreds of godly Christians that chose to leave their unbelieving spouses and then married a believing spouse, had decent marriages, but lost their children to the world and bitterness. I have sat and listened to many say, "We sinned; our children suffered, and we lost them to the world. They hate us. My divorce was wrong. Oh if only…" God didn't destroy that family. He didn't cause those many lives to be lost. It was the principle of what you sow you will reap. God hates divorce because divorce is destructive. Its temporary relief deceives people into thinking they have somehow escaped the long-term, tragic reaping that comes with divorce, the reaping that sometimes reaches its ugly arm into the 3rd or 4th generation. It affects an ever widening circle of people. Others look on, especially the young married couples, and see your divorce as a quick fix, and follow your lead. When things get rough in their marriage, your situation has helped mold them to go the same road. And so the circle of destruction is passed on to countless more. Seeds of sin just keep on replanting themselves, and bitter hurt seems to go on forever. God hates divorce because it hurts so many. God made a way to win your husband and change your marriage. I Peter 3:1-4 says, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands: that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." God tells us here, if your husband is not obeying the word of God, then you can win him without trying to teach him the Word of God. God says that as a husband looks on and sees the way his wife responds to him, he will be won. He will hear and see her cheerful countenance. He will notice her willingness to help and forgive. He will see her giving up her rights and not taking offense when he knows he has wronged her. He will see she honors him, obeys him, treats him with respect, and serves him with a non-rebellious, non-resistant attitude. He will see her spirit is not raging outwardly in emotional fits or inwardly in silent brooding of hurt, but her spirit is quiet, restful, and peaceful. He will see she doesn't puff up and talk incessantly in criticism of him—or others. He trusts her. He knows she is not going to discuss him with her pastor or friend. He sees she is wise with what little money he gives her. She is a remarkable woman, not because she is classy in the way she dresses or looks, but in the way she controls her spirit. She rejoices for an opportunity to bless him, and he knows her heart is good. He tries her; he deliberately tempts her into hurt or anger; he judges her unfairly; he demands things of her that he knows embarrasses her, yet she is in subjection to him in all things. And in the end, she wins him by her chaste conversation. It is a promise from God to you. And God goes on to promise more to this obedient, believing lady. "And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy (I Cor. 7:13)." When children have a believing parent that is walking in honor to God and her spouse, it will causes the child to honor that believing parent. The child will find refuge, companionship, joy, and respect in that parent. It is a natural law. If your child is failing, then you need to look at yourself and say, "Am I continuing in faith and sobriety? Am I walking in peace and joy? Am I willing to forgive and forget? Am I feeling sorry for myself and playing the sad face, or am I rejoicing and believing God? Is the expression on my face and the words coming from my mouth a reflection of the joy of the Lord?" It is an impossible task, yet with God all things are possible. God is able, and with him you can do the impossible. You can wake up in the morning with a song in your heart, kissing your child and laughing at the sunlight sprinkling your room. You can serve, give, forgive, and enjoy the victory you have in Jesus. And when you feel that hurt, angry spirit rise up, you can open your mouth in praise and thanksgiving to God that you are free from sin and bondage, and free to be glad. In that kind of atmosphere, a child grows stable and complete, a selfish man stops fighting and trying to defeat and subdue. Dear Mama, whether your husband is lost or saved, God has given you the opportunity to set the atmosphere in your home that will bring joy, peace, thanksgiving, and love. He has given you the tools to become the most loved woman and mother on all the earth. He has given you the plan to right a thousand wrongs and prove to the world that with God all things are possible. He has provided you with the way to show the devil that God can take the weakest, silliest wreck of a woman; a woman that has given-over to become broken, both physically and emotionally, and turn her into a strong, confident, God fearing, honoring, joyful, yes, even thankful woman. One day you will wake up, turn your head to smile good morning to your husband, and see the tears of thanksgiving glistening in his eyes as he tells you one more time how much he loves you and how proud he is to have you as his wife. Then someday as the years pass you will hear your teenage sons and daughters speak of how wonderful their mama is, and you will think that life could never be any sweeter. This is what God loves, because it brings so much happiness, so much joy, so much peace. And the blessings will continue to flow out, not only to you but to your children and your children's children, and then to those around you who see God's blessings and hunger to know the truth. It was not the easy road; God's way never is. This happened because day by day, minute by minute, you chose to believe God's Word and honor him even though your flesh wanted to scream in anger and defeat. And in that moment of weakness, when you bowed beneath the load, God reached down and gently reminded you to keep on because some day your children will "arise and call you blessed; your husband also, and he praiseth you. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all." Women have a tendency to want the answer to their prayers NOW. That is one reason why divorce is so prevalent. But haste is not God's way. In truth, it is not the best way. In the end, when the blessings begin to flow, it will seem like such a short time, because the blessings never end. Every blessing-seed plants another. Divorce is the world's way out. But God is able, and with Him, so are you. God loves to bless you; he loves to heal you; he loves to hear that your children walk in truth. You say your husband is just "too vile," that it would "take a miracle" or him "dying and being born all over again." Yes, now you are beginning to understand. God has a miraculous plan to make it possible. You are part of that plan. Every day, minute by minute, as you respond to the living God in obedience and thanksgiving, you make that plan unfold. "That, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives." He has given you the power to overcome the reactions (lust) of the flesh and to see that plan become a reality in your life. Will you? As surely as this article goes out to the many thousands, a score of angry women will write me a letter containing personal examples, proving this could not work with their daughter's husband, or with their friend's husband. They will tell me the vile, ugly things the husbands do and of the broken sweet lady in distress, and I will agree. But I would remind you that in the verse that records the sowing and reaping we are warned not to be deceived. It is easy to be deceived by our feelings and what we see. When a person is deceived, they are convinced they are doing right. It seems right, it feels right, everyone says there is nothing else to do. Eve felt that way once. We, as with Eve, think that the will of God stands in the way of our freedom and peace. We believe that due to our unusual circumstances, we are an exception. "Be not deceived, God is not mocked, for whatsoever a man soweth that shall he also reap." God hates divorce. Divorce has its own set of tragic reapings. If only you could see past today and tomorrow. If only you could get a glimpse of the years to come and of eternity, you would then agree with God. One man and one woman, loving and enjoying each other was and is God's best plan. It was such a good plan that he made it a picture of his relationship to us, His Church. The second time around can never substitute for this. Divorce followed by the most wonderful second marriage is still a failure, and will be throughout eternity. When you chunk a bad marriage, you chunk your lifelong opportunity for God to have manifested his power and glory. A failing marriage is a challenge to God. When you divorce, you divest God of the opportunity of ever making something glorious out of the Devil’s mess. Divorce is not just your failure, it becomes the failure of God to triumph in those circumstances. You are not just saying that it is "more than you can bear," but that it is "more than God could handle." This is a hard saying. For many reading this, it is simply an impossible dream. For some it is more like a nightmare. I am here to tell you, the Christian life is a miracle. If it is not a miracle against all odds, then it is not Christian; it is only a religious life. God has given you the "how to," and he has given you his Spirit to make it possible. He will give you the heart to want it to happen—if you ask him. He is a good God. Michael adds his thoughts: If you or your children have been hit (other than the children being spanked) so as to leave discernable marks two hours later, and you genuinely fear that he will repeat his battering, you can take legal steps without divorcing your husband. In a moment when he is not angry, calmly inform him that the next time he physically assaults you or the kids, you are going to call the law and have him arrested. You must first resolve in your heart that you are willing to prosecute him and see him go to jail. I visit prisons every week. It is a great place to mull over the consequences of one’s deeds. And I have never met a prisoner that turned down a visit from anyone. Think about it, lady; it is a great time for writing love letters and sharing a three-minute romantic phone call once a week. Guys who get out of prison run straight home to their ladies and treat them wonderfully—for a while anyway. If your abusing husband fully understands that you have the power of the law behind you, he will learn to keep his hands in his pockets. I am not suggesting you do this to be vindictive or to get even with him. It must be done in humility and love. If your husbands knows that you are the weaker vessel, desperately seeking your survival and that of the kids, and that you are not trying to punish him, but that you are going to stand by and continue to love him, that you are going to wait for him to get out of prison and then try to start over again, it may move his heart to fear if not to repentance. You say, he cannot help himself. Does he help himself when his peers—other men his own size—make him angry? Does he fly out of control and start hitting his boss or his employees? No? Then he has self-control when he must. The law can make it a must, which will allow you to continue with him and demonstrate your womanhood and win him to yourself and then to your God. But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is truly repentant (not just exposed) and is willing to seek counseling, you may feel comfortable giving him an opportunity to prove himself, as long as you know the children are safe. If there is any thought that they are not safe, or if he is not repentant and willing to seek help, then go to the law and have him arrested. Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution. Will this glorify God? Forever. You ask, "What if he doesn’t repent even then?" Then you will be rewarded in heaven equal to the martyrs, and God will have something to rub in the Devil’s face. God hates divorce—always, forever, regardless, without exception.]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/abusive-husband/feed/ 86 Broken Circles http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/broken-circles/ http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/broken-circles/#comments Sun, 15 Mar 1998 12:10:01 +0000 Michael Pearl http://nogreaterjoy.org/?p=3531 1200X800-Broken-Circles

The names and some details have been changed to protect the guilty, but the events are true. Ruth is five years old. Her mother just recently left her daddy because he drinks too much. The home life was not good, but it wasn’t all bad. It was a small circle that included a warm house, a mama and a daddy, some siblings, and a sense of security. The older siblings were doing well in school, and even though mama and daddy yelled a lot, it was still home. Now little Ruth lives in an apartment with her mommy, although she spends at least three nights a week at home with Daddy. Mommy said she didn’t want Daddy to mess them up, so she left him, but she’s lonesome and needs to go out, so she asks Daddy to keep the kids more all the time. If someone asked little Ruth where she lives she would look confused, stare off into space, and finally answer, “With mommy at the apartment.” Now her life revolves in two part circles. She has two places to live, she has two authorities, which often disagree, but she no longer has a sense of security—that has been replaced with fear. Mommy now has a friend. He lives at the apartment with them. He is a strange man and Ruth is uncomfortable around him. She doesn’t understand why, but in her tiny, broken circle she no longer feels at home. Mommy had a date and a babysitter came. Mommy didn’t come home until real late and Ruth did not wake up for school. Daddy called, but older brother was afraid to tell him why they weren’t at school. The next day all the kids went to stay at Daddy’s house. The house is different now. Less furniture, messy, it smells funny, but it’s more familiar than the apartment, so it’s better. Daddy’s friends came over. Mommy doesn’t like Daddy’s friends. They drink a lot, and one friend wants to hold Ruth, and she is afraid. So much fear, so much uncertainty, so much turmoil. Children are so flexible; they can take so much and still do just fine. That’s what I’ve always heard from parents who bend their children a lot. When Grandma called she could tell something was wrong, and she told Ruth, “Get outside on the porch with the other kids, I’m coming right now.” Ruth feels better. Grandma’s house was once a place to visit and eat candy, but now it is another partial circle, a safe partial circle, warmly secure with Grandma and Papa, the same house with the same stuff in it. And Grandma is always the same. There’s no fear there, but it is not Ruth’s house, only another partial circle in her ever widening flow of circles—now that the real circle is broken. Ruth is learning to use her circles. If she doesn’t like doing something she can just cry and say she wants Daddy. If Daddy will not let her have something, she can just beg to go stay with Mommy. If she has to go to school when she doesn’t want to, she can be sick and ask for Grandma. Ruth has learned that where there is more than one circle there is really no circle at all. No authority, no security, the only absolute is what Ruth wants. Ruth has no one to protect her from herself, from her own lusts. Grandma can be a loving grandparent protecting her from the bad guy at Daddy’s house. Daddy can make her feel happy. Mommy can love her, but the authority has been given into her tiny hands by default. When Ruth was a little girl Grandma's house was a place of security, but now that Ruth is thirteen years old, it is just a dull, boring, old place. Candy bars and TV no longer satisfy her appetite. Her flesh has grown, and with it has grown the habit of getting what she wants. Over the years she has learned how to cover her tracks when she wants the freedom to have some fun. She tells Dad, “I’m at Grandma's,” and tells Mom, “I’m spending the weekend at Dad’s.” She tells Grandma, “Dad said I could stay over with friend Marsha.” The tight circle that God placed her in to protect and guard her was removed by Mommy’s and Daddy’s sin. Ruth has been left uncovered. Some parents rip that covering off their children, not by divorce, but by disagreement in policy. A mother will whisper to her daughter, “You can go, but don’t you dare tell Dad you did.” That daughter has lost her covering for all times and all occasions. Mother has taken it from Daddy as well as from herself. Some Daddy’s give it away. Daughter begs, gets angry, yells, pleads, and Daddy finally yells, “Just get out of here, I don’t care what you do, just give me some peace.” Daughter learned this from Mama. Then some daddies just pretend they don’t notice, after all Daddy’s little girl has always done real well. Daddy wants to be the sweetheart. He gives his girls complete freedom so “they’ll know I trust them.” Poor little girls grow up doing “what is right in their own eyes.” Little girls and boys need a complete, secure circle to grow up to be well adjusted. God designed that the man should be strong and wise as the head of his wife. A girl, having spent her entire youth growing up with a daddy that watched over and protected her in her day-to-day activities, will be ready to assume her role as a wife that will bring honor to God and her husband. So many little girls are growing up today without that circle of protection and authority. They grow up with fears and insecurities on top of the rebellion and fleshly indulgence. When they enter marriage they don’t know how to be submissive, confident wives because they never were submissive, confident little girls to their Daddies. The only way they can find fulfillment is by “doing what’s right in their own eyes.” A great majority of women are depressed, discouraged, angry, and totally out of control in their flesh. They live in some kind of a silly fantasyland. To make matters worse, their husbands are selfish, defeated sissies. Soul sickness is at epidemic proportions. Divorce is a terrible crime against all. And not only divorce, but also the spirit of defiance, of “getting my rights,” is quickly destroying any hope of happiness. Many women will read this and say, “I knew I was doomed from the start, so why try, it is my parents’ fault.” It is true your parents did fail you, but now you stand before God to give an answer for your own sin. It’s no good crying over spilled milk. It’s time to get a cloth and clean up the mess, being careful not to create any more spills. Are you content to continue passing this burden down to your children? Each person stands before God either to obey or to dishonor. Because of your up-bringing you might have a propensity to be selfish, get angry, or to manipulate your surroundings, but it is ultimately your choice to obey God or not. As you seek God and seek to obey his Word you will begin to mature in the way God meant for you to mature while you were growing up. When God says in his Word for the woman to reverence her husband it will not seem like an archaic translation. When the Scripture says, Sara called her husband lord, it will not appear sacrilegious. So, mama, are you unhappy with that selfish, “no-good” husband of yours? God has made a way, and His way is still your only way to raise your little girls to be an honorable little mama. The way to raise obedient, serving little girls is by example. How you treat Daddy will in a great degree decide how they will respond to authority and ultimately to God. You can’t change Daddy, but you can change your side of the world. Do you treat your husband with affection, but little honor or respect? Do you slip behind his back to go shopping, or waste your days reading romance novels? When you dishonor him, you dishonor God. He knows it, you know it, and your children know it. You limit God’s blessing in your life. The slide is down hill. Every child is selfish and will get more selfish. As parents we need to seek to obey God against all odds; that’s what sanctification is all about. Our job as mothers starts with being good wives. Your role as mother will go no further than how you fulfill your role as wife. When parents break their own circle, they break their children’s circle as well. Neither broken marriages nor broken relationships produce whole children. Even when all goes well our children will not be perfect. They will have their own hurts and weaknesses to overcome. But they don’t need to start life handicapped by dragging along the added burden of the sins of their parents. Life will throw enough mud at the children without them leaving home carrying a load provided by parents. There is still an abundance of grace and love to be poured on those who will repent toward God. When you lay yourself on God’s altar, your children reap the blessings of the sacrifice. When we flush the garbage out of our own lives, our children experience the cleansing.]]> 1200X800-Broken-Circles

The names and some details have been changed to protect the guilty, but the events are true. Ruth is five years old. Her mother just recently left her daddy because he drinks too much. The home life was not good, but it wasn’t all bad. It was a small circle that included a warm house, a mama and a daddy, some siblings, and a sense of security. The older siblings were doing well in school, and even though mama and daddy yelled a lot, it was still home. Now little Ruth lives in an apartment with her mommy, although she spends at least three nights a week at home with Daddy. Mommy said she didn’t want Daddy to mess them up, so she left him, but she’s lonesome and needs to go out, so she asks Daddy to keep the kids more all the time. If someone asked little Ruth where she lives she would look confused, stare off into space, and finally answer, “With mommy at the apartment.” Now her life revolves in two part circles. She has two places to live, she has two authorities, which often disagree, but she no longer has a sense of security—that has been replaced with fear. Mommy now has a friend. He lives at the apartment with them. He is a strange man and Ruth is uncomfortable around him. She doesn’t understand why, but in her tiny, broken circle she no longer feels at home. Mommy had a date and a babysitter came. Mommy didn’t come home until real late and Ruth did not wake up for school. Daddy called, but older brother was afraid to tell him why they weren’t at school. The next day all the kids went to stay at Daddy’s house. The house is different now. Less furniture, messy, it smells funny, but it’s more familiar than the apartment, so it’s better. Daddy’s friends came over. Mommy doesn’t like Daddy’s friends. They drink a lot, and one friend wants to hold Ruth, and she is afraid. So much fear, so much uncertainty, so much turmoil. Children are so flexible; they can take so much and still do just fine. That’s what I’ve always heard from parents who bend their children a lot. When Grandma called she could tell something was wrong, and she told Ruth, “Get outside on the porch with the other kids, I’m coming right now.” Ruth feels better. Grandma’s house was once a place to visit and eat candy, but now it is another partial circle, a safe partial circle, warmly secure with Grandma and Papa, the same house with the same stuff in it. And Grandma is always the same. There’s no fear there, but it is not Ruth’s house, only another partial circle in her ever widening flow of circles—now that the real circle is broken. Ruth is learning to use her circles. If she doesn’t like doing something she can just cry and say she wants Daddy. If Daddy will not let her have something, she can just beg to go stay with Mommy. If she has to go to school when she doesn’t want to, she can be sick and ask for Grandma. Ruth has learned that where there is more than one circle there is really no circle at all. No authority, no security, the only absolute is what Ruth wants. Ruth has no one to protect her from herself, from her own lusts. Grandma can be a loving grandparent protecting her from the bad guy at Daddy’s house. Daddy can make her feel happy. Mommy can love her, but the authority has been given into her tiny hands by default. When Ruth was a little girl Grandma's house was a place of security, but now that Ruth is thirteen years old, it is just a dull, boring, old place. Candy bars and TV no longer satisfy her appetite. Her flesh has grown, and with it has grown the habit of getting what she wants. Over the years she has learned how to cover her tracks when she wants the freedom to have some fun. She tells Dad, “I’m at Grandma's,” and tells Mom, “I’m spending the weekend at Dad’s.” She tells Grandma, “Dad said I could stay over with friend Marsha.” The tight circle that God placed her in to protect and guard her was removed by Mommy’s and Daddy’s sin. Ruth has been left uncovered. Some parents rip that covering off their children, not by divorce, but by disagreement in policy. A mother will whisper to her daughter, “You can go, but don’t you dare tell Dad you did.” That daughter has lost her covering for all times and all occasions. Mother has taken it from Daddy as well as from herself. Some Daddy’s give it away. Daughter begs, gets angry, yells, pleads, and Daddy finally yells, “Just get out of here, I don’t care what you do, just give me some peace.” Daughter learned this from Mama. Then some daddies just pretend they don’t notice, after all Daddy’s little girl has always done real well. Daddy wants to be the sweetheart. He gives his girls complete freedom so “they’ll know I trust them.” Poor little girls grow up doing “what is right in their own eyes.” Little girls and boys need a complete, secure circle to grow up to be well adjusted. God designed that the man should be strong and wise as the head of his wife. A girl, having spent her entire youth growing up with a daddy that watched over and protected her in her day-to-day activities, will be ready to assume her role as a wife that will bring honor to God and her husband. So many little girls are growing up today without that circle of protection and authority. They grow up with fears and insecurities on top of the rebellion and fleshly indulgence. When they enter marriage they don’t know how to be submissive, confident wives because they never were submissive, confident little girls to their Daddies. The only way they can find fulfillment is by “doing what’s right in their own eyes.” A great majority of women are depressed, discouraged, angry, and totally out of control in their flesh. They live in some kind of a silly fantasyland. To make matters worse, their husbands are selfish, defeated sissies. Soul sickness is at epidemic proportions. Divorce is a terrible crime against all. And not only divorce, but also the spirit of defiance, of “getting my rights,” is quickly destroying any hope of happiness. Many women will read this and say, “I knew I was doomed from the start, so why try, it is my parents’ fault.” It is true your parents did fail you, but now you stand before God to give an answer for your own sin. It’s no good crying over spilled milk. It’s time to get a cloth and clean up the mess, being careful not to create any more spills. Are you content to continue passing this burden down to your children? Each person stands before God either to obey or to dishonor. Because of your up-bringing you might have a propensity to be selfish, get angry, or to manipulate your surroundings, but it is ultimately your choice to obey God or not. As you seek God and seek to obey his Word you will begin to mature in the way God meant for you to mature while you were growing up. When God says in his Word for the woman to reverence her husband it will not seem like an archaic translation. When the Scripture says, Sara called her husband lord, it will not appear sacrilegious. So, mama, are you unhappy with that selfish, “no-good” husband of yours? God has made a way, and His way is still your only way to raise your little girls to be an honorable little mama. The way to raise obedient, serving little girls is by example. How you treat Daddy will in a great degree decide how they will respond to authority and ultimately to God. You can’t change Daddy, but you can change your side of the world. Do you treat your husband with affection, but little honor or respect? Do you slip behind his back to go shopping, or waste your days reading romance novels? When you dishonor him, you dishonor God. He knows it, you know it, and your children know it. You limit God’s blessing in your life. The slide is down hill. Every child is selfish and will get more selfish. As parents we need to seek to obey God against all odds; that’s what sanctification is all about. Our job as mothers starts with being good wives. Your role as mother will go no further than how you fulfill your role as wife. When parents break their own circle, they break their children’s circle as well. Neither broken marriages nor broken relationships produce whole children. Even when all goes well our children will not be perfect. They will have their own hurts and weaknesses to overcome. But they don’t need to start life handicapped by dragging along the added burden of the sins of their parents. Life will throw enough mud at the children without them leaving home carrying a load provided by parents. There is still an abundance of grace and love to be poured on those who will repent toward God. When you lay yourself on God’s altar, your children reap the blessings of the sacrifice. When we flush the garbage out of our own lives, our children experience the cleansing.]]> http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/broken-circles/feed/ 4