No Greater Joy Ministries » Relationships

A Wise Woman Proverbs

Debi Pearl — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 13:03:42 +0000

A wise woman does not carry her man’s God-given burden of supporting the family. If she does, he will become weak, lazy, disillusioned, and depressed, and she will become bossy, weary, worn, and angry. A wise woman will do her duty diligently, caring for her home and children, cooking and serving others—what the Bible calls “a keeper at home.” A wise woman will be gracious. She will cultivate humility and a servant’s nature—what the Bible calls “shamefacedness.” Her husband will cherish her and others will be thankful to call her a friend. A wise woman will be kind and longsuffering, not controlling or pushy. Strangers will be blessed by having met her—that includes waitresses and store clerks. Due to her goodwill and graciousness she will be liked and appreciated by all. A wise woman will be open to counsel, always learning and striving to overcome any weakness or faults. Her husband will be encouraged by her openness and willingness to grow. A wise woman will be generous and serving; never greedy in her friendships. Her husband will gain respect from friends and business associates because of her kind, thoughtful behavior. A wise woman will be careful in how she spends money on temporal things knowing every dollar spent means hours of her husband’s labor away from the family. She will train her children to be wise, honorable, and kind. Her husband will have cause to rejoice that his labor is not poured upon the ground, but is used with honor, thus he is honored. A wise woman is always the lady, gracious, generous, full of gratitude and good works. Let me always be a “4-G” lady.

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Created for Him?

Debi Pearl — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 13:01:03 +0000

Were you created to be his help meet…not HIS (Jesus’) help meet but “his” (hubby’s) help meet…helper to a mere fallen man? If you are a real believer in Christ, if you truly want to serve and honor God, and if you are in awe of God’s Word, then you will know that your marriage oath is indeed sacred. Regardless of your husband’s short comings; regardless of your drive to be God’s helper—ministering as you feel led; regardless of your lack of personal fulfillment in the direction he takes the family, God’s ultimate will for you, the very reason you were created and became part of a union of two, is so you can fill the role as helper to your husband. Your role is not to help by being his mother or his enforcer, or the Holy Spirit convicting him of his sin, but a helper to his vision of life regardless of how small or unfulfilling that vision may be. When you smile at him as he enters the room…your smile is an honor to God. If you are married to a worthless lump of selfish so and so, your smile may be a sacrifice but that makes it all the more a service to God. Your calling in life is to learn to listen with all joy to him; talk of his projects, plans, ideas, and hopes instead of directing the conversation to your interests and needs and visions. Your life should be dedicated to helping him realize his full potential, or limited potential, as it may be. The day we take our vows we all think we will be an encouraging, loving wife. If being a superb help meet were easy, everyone would have a wonderful marriage. The odds are against us, because nature is against us, the culture is against us, or our own selfish interests are contrary to God’s interest. Being a God ordained help meet does not come naturally. It is a labor and sacrifice of duty. We bring to the marriage the many years of negative conditioning. Girls spend years watching their Moms dishonor Dad. The TV, movies, and modern culture are conditioning the next generation of girls to greater dishonor. Romance novels were written by women describing make-believe men who are gloriously sensitive and preposterously masculine. These make-believe characters and story-lines unreasonably warp reality and often cloud what a girl expects of Mr. Regular Joe Husband. Christian girls come into marriage determined to be the help meet that God defines in his Word, but then we discover that the hubby is not the super-spiritual, romantic hero that he should be. A wall of frustration builds as our plans hit the fan. Our husbands become a bondage that holds us back from what we know we could have been. We become the person we so disliked when we were young girls, looking through the brightly-colored window of hope. God set the rules into place, obviously for a variety of reasons; many I have yet to learn (and I am old). One very good reason is to maintain order. Someone has to be central and the other a follower. It is too bad that the best and most capable is not the leader, but as in any company or corporation, ability does not a president make. Often second fiddles play the best tunes while the first fiddle gets the credit. Two bosses are a catastrophe, especially if the bosses don’t agree. With confusion comes disorder, lack of appreciation for rule, and then, rebellion (usually the children’s). God also set the rules into place in order to bring out the best in both the male and female. He did create us. He knows our psyche. He understands what makes us tick, how we can best grow and minister and what will make us conform more into his image, AND, in the end, how we can accomplish the most for eternity. He does see the big picture. God created men with a NEED. God told us that it was NOT good that man should be alone. God called the woman a “help meet.” Men were created to need a helper, a cheerleader, a listener, a healer, as well as a host of other things that only a good woman can provide. All these are like balm to a man’s soul; they help him grow, make him stronger, better, more loving, and arm him to become all that God desires. Men are fallen sons of Adam, and as such are totally selfish. As far as I know, most all men are fleshy, given to animal appetites. Some men are so cruel that regardless of what a wife does they still will be cruel. But all unfulfilled men, whether evil or good, are confused. Down in their souls many of these confused men really want to cherish their wives, but they struggle. They struggle because they were created to be honored, obeyed, and to have a help meet that helps them achieve their dreams. The lack of having a proper help meet affects men in the strangest ways; almost like lack of nutrition or a disease weakens the body, causing organs or limbs to fail; so then, different parts of a man fail when they lack a good help meet. Some men just never mature, thus remain silly boys all their lives. Other men spend their lives frustrated (shows up as anger), which disrupts their ability to follow through with what they start. Often men, who don’t have an encouraging help meet will become despondent, thus will lack any drive to succeed. A great majority of these struggling guys simply lose interest in their wives (and eventually their children). How does a man explain to his wife that he just wishes she would listen to him talk about his dreams and hopes, and even wants her to enjoy hearing about his rash ideas? Men can’t describe what is missing in their lives. It’s a feeling, a deep river of need that has nothing to do with the physical. They yearn for someone, even something, and when it is not found in their woman…well, the man seeks fulfillment from success, other people, or entertainment. There will come a time that he will no longer look to his help meet to meet this God-given need. This will naturally result in him losing interest in the one person who was created to meet this need. This lack of interest in a wife can show itself in the man spending long hours at work, being involved in other activities and/or it even reveals itself in the husband having a lack of sexual interest in his wife. Much like the body needs vitamins, minerals, and exercise to grow strong and healthy, a man’s soul was made to need a help meet that provides soul nourishment called encouragement. God set the marriage pattern for the good of the man and the woman. When a man’s soul needs are met through his woman, he will NEED her to stay content. His need for her will cause him to hunger for her attention. He will seek her out as his friend. He will want to please her. He will cherish her. He will desire to please her in intimate ways. It is in his best interest to take care of her because she is so necessary to his soul. It is the way of a maid to her man. A help meet is not first a cook, cleaner, or even a mother. A help meet’s first ministry is to her husband, how she may PLEASE her man. If cooking healthy, being a super-neat housewife, or even being involved in a ministry (even if it is where people are REALLY getting saved) interferes in ANY way with your first, and foremost ministry of pleasing your man, then you are not pleasing God. So, go back again and read Created to Be His Help Meet. Look up all the verses and mark them in your Bible with a special color. Ask God to make you into the woman he wants you to be. Drop all your extra outside activities that have made you too busy to remember your first love. PLEASE don’t say, “Tried that already and it didn’t work.” You should obey God because he is God. A big portion of our ministry has been trying to fix—sometimes futilely—that which is so badly broken that it is like trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. Most women say divorce happens to them unexpectedly. They come in one day and their “godly” husband has packed his bags and left. At first, the wife is almost relieved he is gone because the underlying tension is over, but then, long nights, emotionally disturbed kids, tension between family members, and then single life really sets in. Being alone is not all that it is cracked up to be. Wolves are looking for lonely women with cute kids and you will soon find yourself so tired of being alone that you will consider a man, some other woman rejected, who is half the man of the husband you once scorned. Being alone is an ugly phrase, a dishonor to God. It will not matter how poorly everyone thinks of your husband for leaving you for another woman…being alone is not what you want. Being alone starts while you are married. It is you slowly shutting the door; no welcoming smile, no meal prepared for him when he comes home from work, no encouraging word, off-handedly listening to his ideas and dreams; too busy rushing to ministry, games, classes, or whatever keeps you from being his soul mate. …continued in Mike’s article, “Marriage Is God’s Finishing School”

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The Well

Debi Pearl — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 14:07:12 +0000

I have very fond memories of my grandmother training me in the art of making biscuits. Teaching me seemed to make her happy. Each morning she would pull out the biscuit board drawer that was built into the cabinet. It was a board, like a table top, mounted like a drawer. It was always covered with flour. Once the board was extended she would mound two cups of flour on it. Then she would explain to me as she pushed a hole in the middle of the flour, “First make your well.” The well was just a hole in the middle of the pile of flour. To my young ears, calling the hole a “well” sounded so fine—mysterious-like. Into the well she dumped slightly warm lard, and then she added homemade buttermilk. With her thumb and index finger, working only in the well, she worked the lard and buttermilk, gradually incorporating the flour until it formed a soft dough. She rolled the dough with a rolling pin a few times, and then patted it down to about half an inch thick. With her biscuit cutter she pressed out about ten biscuits. She always had a big black skillet with butter in it warming in the oven. Each biscuit would quickly be turned in the warmed butter before she added the next one. While they baked in her hot oven, I played with the leftover dough, learning how to cut out biscuits. I can clearly remember standing there, almost eye-level with the countertop, working with the dough while drinking in the wonderful aroma of baking biscuits. My grandmother trained me to make biscuits. She trained me to laugh while making biscuits. My mischievous streak was developed in that kitchen as I conferred with my grandmother in how we could scare Papa when he came in for breakfast. Ask my staff—I am well trained in making biscuits and in the art of scaring distracted office workers. I am the queen of “BOO!” Oh, how dearly I loved my grandmother! As I look back, I know I must have left her floor covered with flour, yet she included me. I can’t remember a time I disobeyed my grandmother. I wanted to please her.

Her joy in helping was immeasurable; and more important, she was being trained to love working with her hands.

Today I sat at the kitchen table making guacamole out of 600 avocados. You read it correctly…600 avocados. A man in the church was able to buy a hundred boxes of avocados for a ridiculously low price. I bought ten boxes from him. My daughter Shoshanna and 3-year-old granddaughter Penelope dropped by while I was in the middle of my green venture. Penelope didn’t hesitate a minute. She was up in my lap, and where once there were two hands working, suddenly there were four. She imitated my every move. It slowed me down considerably, and green goo plopped on the floor a few times, but her joy in helping was immeasurable; and more important, she was being trained to love to work with her hands. It was Proverbs 31—Training Class 101. Many parents get so worked up over making their children be obedient in all things they forget that training doesn’t mean discipline; it means instructing the child in how to master the issues of life. Training is the art of imparting skill sets and worldviews. Training a child in the way he should go involves taking a child by the hand and allowing him to be a part of your productive life. If you cook a meal and don’t have your little girl standing beside you as you talk her through every step of the process, then you are NOT training her up to be a good cook. If you clean house, shop, sew, have a Bible study, or any number of productive activities and you don’t involve your children, then you are not TRAINING UP your children in the way they should go.

Training a child in the way he should go involves taking a child by the hand and allowing him to be a part of your productive life.

God stated it correctly when he said, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” When you train a child to enjoy cooking, she will always enjoy cooking. When you train up a child to work, he will always enjoy the accomplishment of a job well done. When you train up a child to notice what needs to be done, to be on time, to be respectful, to work as a team, to use time wisely, and to put his shoulder to the plow, he will always be responsible and productive. It is not a strange turn of events that one boy grows up to be lazy and another is a worker; that one woman is bitter and the other is full of joy; that one person is productive and the other expects others to pay his way; that one man is lustful and the other is self-disciplined; that one woman is emotionally crippled, and the other is wise and thoughtful. Train up—not spank up or fuss up or even instruct up—it is TRAIN UP. Train her how to make biscuits. It starts with a well and results in a life well lived. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

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The Power of a Box

Debi Pearl — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 14:02:01 +0000

My father’s extended family was not rich, but we were quite well off, so Christmas was a time of fashionable gifts. I really don’t remember any of the many fine gifts, but I do remember the non-posh gifts from my Aunt Grapelle. I smile as I write this because I also have this clear memory of the rest of the family making light of her yearly gifts to me. Even as a young child I was outraged by their attitude and lack of appreciation; how could they think that her gifts were anything less than magical? My Aunt Grapelle was a seamstress, and not just any seamstress—she was a creative genius, and everyone knew it. She made dresses for balls, weddings, and all things spectacular. I thought she was wonderful and always looked for ways to please her. You would think by the way I speak of her she lived next door and was a vital part of my life; not so, I only saw her a few times each year, and then she was busy visiting with the other adults. But, oh my, every Christmas I knew what my gift would be from her. Each year she packed a large box of bits and pieces of silky and gauzy material that she had left over from her many sewing projects. Ribbons and bows, snaps and buttons, and occasionally a piece of material large enough to make a baby-doll a dress—it all made Auntie’s gift thrilling. And to make it extra special, she always included needle and thread, scissors, pictures of ideas, and any other thing I might need to make my visit a time of creative wonder. Sometimes she would slip away from the adults to find me sorting through the box, and she would give me simple instructions on how to make this or that. My whole life of creativity, writing, art, homeschooling, and child training reflects those wonderful boxes of opportunity.

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Six Ways Parents Destroy Their Children Without Trying

Michael Pearl — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 14:05:47 +0000

God promises, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Parents, who see one of their children hit the fan, often have a hard time appreciating this verse. In fact, as the homeschool movement ages there are more and more parents claiming the verse does not mean what it says, because it didn’t hold true in their experience. Here are just a few of the reasons a child is lost to the world and how parents caused it to happen without even trying. I say “without trying” because when children turn out poorly, as many do, parents are at a loss as to why. It is always unexpected—certainly unplanned. An eighteen-year-old is unthankful and rebellious, walks around like the family is his enemy and he has been enslaved and abused by them his whole life. Anger is his first response to everything and to nothing. If you view old TV programs made 50 years ago of families relating to one another, they look like today’s ideal Christian homeschool family. Daddy is respected and honored and Mother is cherished. Family problems were always resolved with good cheer and forgiveness. Teenage morality was taken for granted. The future was bright and full of hope, and there was no state of rebellion in the kids. In contrast, modern TV and movies usually represent today’s average family—accurately I might add—as dysfunctional psycho wards of vindictive anger and disrespect. In most movies the family is already divorced or going through the painful process. If a movie were made with a teenager loving his parents as they love their children and each other, and everyone with good cheer and hope for the future, it would be considered corny and unrealistic to the point that the only people who could relate to it would be the ones who stopped watching TV thirty years ago. So I am going to tell you how kids come to a ruinous end without their parents exerting any effort or attention to the process at all. In fact, that is the first step toward sabotaging your children’s future—no effort and no attention.

1. Get so busy providing for them that you don’t have time for them.

Children are like plants growing every day. They need regular attention and direction.

When children turn out poorly, as many do, parents are at a loss as to why.

I plant a garden every year. And about half of the time I wait too long to stake my tomatoes. A small plant doesn’t need staking. and I tell myself I will stake them before it becomes critical. But it may rain for an entire week, or I get busy doing something else and can’t get around to it. The plant gets so big the stems fall on the ground. When the leaves of a tomato plant are exposed to the soil they quickly develop disease. When the fruit touches the ground it will rot about the time it should be getting ripe. This year I had a second late patch that I intended to stake but waited too long. I finally staked them but too late to prevent the disease. It is not what I did; it is what I didn’t do that spoiled the crop. So it is with children, they need constant pruning and fertilizing and training to grow up instead of down—to reach for blue skies instead of crawling along the ground. So the worst thing you can do for your children is just ignore them and allow nature to take its course. Plan on training them but never get around to it. Children need the constant sunshine of their parents’ smile and approval. They need to be pointed in the right direction day after day. They need admonition like a plant needs fertilizer. And as water activates the fertilizer, making it available to the roots, smiles activate our admonition making it available to the soul of the child. Children raised right grow up right, no exceptions. It is God’s certain promise (Proverbs 22:6).

2. Set a bad example.

The second thing parents do that will assure a bitter outcome for the children is to set a bad example. Some people would say fighting in front of the kids has negative consequences. All fighting whether in front of the kids or in private will be destructive, but the most destructive things is not the fighting as much as how you fight and how it is resolved. I have known families that had big fights, but—I hope you can understand this—their fights were not personal. They were resolved as publicly as they were waged, and the public displays of anger did not create deep hurt in anybody. There are some loving souls that express themselves loudly and with emotion. They punctuate their points with explosive words and gestures, but they are equally as effulgent in their make-up and passionate love. Kids come to understand the heart of their parents and are more influenced by their intentions than their rhetoric. A wife of a certain temperament can scream at her husband that she hates him, and the children hear her saying, “I love you so much, you exasperate me to the point I could kick you just before we make love again.” The kids know the outcome is going to be as always, Mom and Pop making up and saying they are sorry and that they didn’t mean it and melting in each other’s arms. Public fights should be resolved in public so the kids can see the process of how it is worked out and how forgiveness and understanding occurs.

So the worst thing you can do for your children is…plan on training them, but never get around to it.

I have seen other families where the parents were careful to never fight in front of the kids, but the children are able to see the tension and ill will building, and they observe it being taken into the bed room where they occasionally hear muffled but raised voices. The parents come out not speaking to each other, followed by hours or days of emotional distance. Now that kind of fighting is indeed harmful to the children. They are able to read the souls of their parents and they feel the bitterness and hate in every moment of silence and self-control. Bad example. Leaf blight. Rotting fruit. The bad example extends to every area of life. Any discipline you want your children to have you must exemplify it yourself. You can set a bad example in criticizing others, in carelessness with money, unthankfulness, unkindness, laziness, irresponsibility, and more. Be what you want your children to be and you will be providing the best training possible.

3. Expressing displeasure regularly.

This is a biggie. It is so subtle that parents don’t even know it is happening. I have observed parents relating to their children in intermittent displeasure and seen the negative effect it is having. When they ask my advice I have pointed out their destructive tendency to always criticize or show displeasure with their child. They are usually shocked and unbelieving. “I love my children,” they exclaim. And I respond, “But?” They fill in the blank, “But, he is so stubborn and willful, always doing the opposite to what I tell him.” And with exasperation, and what I detect as anger, they say, “I have spanked him and it seems to do no good; I just don’t know what to do any more.” I follow up with, “You say he is stubborn most of the time; how do you respond most of the time?” She answers, “Sure, I am displeased; what else could I be; I can’t be happy when he is so stubborn.” It is a vicious cycle. A child’s bad behavior provokes looks of displeasure and looks of displeasure provoke bad attitudes leading to bad behavior. I have said it so many times. If you cannot train your children to do as they ought, it is far better to lower your standards and enjoy them as they are than to allow your looks of displeasure to become the norm. A kid may grow up to be undisciplined and self-willed, but there is no reason to add to it a feeling of being unloved and unable to please.

Any discipline you want your children to have you must exemplify yourself.

I am not suggesting that there is not a remedy that solves the bad behavior. I only emphasize that a vital part of stopping the bad behavior is to cease the cycle of looks of rejection, followed by more bad behavior, followed by more looks of rejection, followed by “I hate you and never want to see you again; why did you have to be my mother/father?” I have spoken of it elsewhere, especially in my DVD, The Joy of Training, and the article, The Flavor of Joy (found in the back of To Train Up A Child), so I will not go into detail here, but suffice to say, child training is causing the child to want to please you and be like you. They will want to please you only when they find pleasure in your presence. You must become the vital source of their joy if they are going to give up their rebellion and choose to exercise self-discipline and self-denial.

4. Not enforcing boundaries.

The next best way to destroy your children without trying is to fail to enforce boundaries. It is easy to do—to not enforce boundaries. Just love your kids and believe they will turn out OK as long as you do not create any self-loathing or feelings of rejection like we talked about above. Smile and believe in the innate goodness of their sweet little hearts, and trust that someday they will grow up and take responsibility for their actions. It is easy to avoid enforcing boundaries because it is the path of least resistance. You don’t have to stir yourself or upset the kids. Let them do as they please—free expression, you know—and they will become your average normal reprobate. But at the least you won’t look like the party pooper. It is a do nothing job that has been left undone by millions of parents. If children all came into the world disciplined and wise and willing to deny their impulses for the greater good, we could just leave them to free expression, but every parent knows better. All children come to us innocent but fallen. They are hedonistic, self-indulging hippies in their natural state. Left to themselves they will bring their mothers to shame (Proverbs 29:15). Adults are supposed to be mature enough to choose the virtuous path and do what they ought to do even if is contrary to their desires. That is character, something that you’re not born with; it has to be developed. And children don’t have character unless they are properly trained. Children do not see the need for self-denial or self-restraint. They feel desire and they do what feels good. So if a parent does nothing, their children will become quite schooled in the dark arts of self-indulgence. Therefore, parents must constrain their children to right behavior. In time their moral understanding will develop and they will begin to choose good, even when it is contrary to their carnal desires. Character is formed, and as training continues his character grows stronger until he matures into an adult.

5. Leaving them to choose their friends.

Many parents have done a good job in training their young children, and have put them on a path of virtue, but in their early teens they are influenced by their peers and yield to temptation while knowing it is not the right path. Even well trained children are flesh and are capable of falling into sin—just as is a moral, disciplined adult. Kids are not wise. They do yet understand the consequences of wrong choices. They need guidance and oversight until they are about twenty years old—sometimes a little older. About the time kids graduate from college they are wise enough to discern good from evil. If you disagree with that assessment, explain spring break at the beach, or fraternity initiations. Woe! It all starts very young. You must choose the social circle for your children and guard it. The quickest way to throw your children away is to enroll them in daycare or preschool or first grade. You lose all control over their friends, and they will become part of the social pool, eventually reduced to the lowest common denominator. If your child shares a pool with kids where just one of them has crapped in the water, your kid is swimming in crap. A few good kids don’t keep the water clean, but one bad kid pollutes it for everybody. I cannot remember the good kids in my third grade, but there were a couple bad ones I will never forget. I can remember their foul words and deeds to this day.

It all starts very young. You must choose your children’s social circle and guard it.

This is probably the hardest thing for a parent to do. It requires great effort and constant vigilance to sift your social circle. There are times your kids will not understand, and there are times that other parents are offended, but a mother hen should guard her chicks against the foxes and coyotes, regardless. It may require an adjustment to your lifestyle to protect your kids. A chicken that has roosted under a chicken hawk nest needs to move even if it is inconvenient. If your church is full of public school kids, you will need to keep your children at your side all the time and not allow them to get personal with a child going to public school. It becomes impossible to limit the social contact of a teenager in such an environment. They shouldn’t have the burden of constantly choosing or eliminating people from their acquaintance. Find a social circle that is righteous and productive where you have nothing to fear from 25 of the teenagers getting together to play soccer or go roller skating together. Remember, they will evolve from you providing their complete social circle to choosing for themselves. You cannot control them past the age when they grow to be autonomous, so you must train them to wisely chose their friends. For the time will come when what you say has little bearing. Train them before they are ten and you can trust them when they are twenty.

6. Finally, you can destroy your children by not giving them any responsibility or holding them accountable.

Remember the key ingredient is “without trying.” Neglect or preoccupation is the culprit. It is operating under the assumption that somehow everything will work out. You are best suited to the task of training your children when you work under the assumption that they are destined to ruin unless you get proactive and do some things much better than the average parent. Responsible action is the duty of all people, and accountability is the inevitable result of being part of a society where the principle of cause and effect is well understood. When there are two people in the room, insofar as they can have an effect on the other, each is responsible for his actions, and the law of love makes us responsible for our neighbor’s well-being. “Let no man seek his own [to advance self], but every man another’s wealth” (1 Corinthians 10:24). Seek to advance the wealth of your neighbor. You should give your children responsibility according to their ability. A child who can walk should be held responsible to pick up his dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket, clean up spills, and place his toy and books back where they belong. This is the foundation of all future responsible actions. As they get older, they should be responsible to do their share in domestic chores. They should be held responsible to keep up with their boots and shoes if they take them off outdoors. If a kid loses his shoes he should have to work to make the money to buy a used pair at the second hand store. Even a five-year-old can appreciate the value of responsible action when he has to pay the price for irresponsibility. If a teenager throws a ball through the window he should pay to have it repaired. Accountability is what you demand and exact when they are caused to answer for the way they have handled their responsibility. If you fail to hold them accountable, they are in fact not responsible. It is much easier to do it ourselves, but the children must learn, and the burden falls on us to stay involved for their sakes. I have observed a beautiful principle. The children most accountable to act responsibly are the happiest and most secure in love and grounded in good will. You learn to love your neighbor one act of caring at a time. This could have been a list of ten or fifteen ways parents destroy their children without trying, but these six are about all we can stand in one dose. I still believe the Word of God when it says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). I know there has been a movement to disbelieve the passage as the Holy Spirit inspired it, but the fact remains that when they are trained right they stay right without interruption until they are old. I am an example of right training, as is my wife. My five children were trained in the way they should go and I now see all twenty of my grandchildren (more on the way) being trained that way. I expect a continuance of 100% positive results just as God promised. I will not lower the standard, and you should not lower your expectations because of the poor results others are experiencing. It is difficult in our world “to train up a child in the way he should go,” and some very good and sincere people fail, not for want of personal righteousness, and not from want of trying, but from want of training the kids in the way they should go. Those who fail should not deny the standard but humbly admit their failure to have trained properly. They can analyze the reasons for their failure and have added wisdom to contribute to those parents who are still in the game training their kids. Finally, if you have young children still in the process, but your oldest son has been a disappointment, don’t give up. Humbly ask your wayward son where you went wrong. It doesn’t matter what you said, or what you did, or what you intended; the bottom line is what did he believe and feel. If you cannot let go of the anger and resentment toward him or you spouse, and you cannot humble yourself enough to listen to him instead of condemn, then truly there is no hope for the rest of your children. I have seen families lose their first child to the world, but take it as a wakeup call, and revive their hearts and efforts, resulting in saving the other children from the same fate. Even if you failed with your first child, the promise is still true and you can “Train up a child in the way he should go,” knowing of a certainty “he will not depart from it.”

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The Box

Author unknown — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 02:06:12 +0000

I remember a day one winter that stands out like a boulder in my life. The weather was unusually cold, our salary had not been regularly paid, and it did not meet our needs when it was. My husband was away much of the time, travelling from one district to another. Our boys were well, but my little Ruth was ailing, and at best none of us were decently clothed. I patched and re-patched, with spirits sinking to the lowest ebb. The water gave out in the well, and the wind blew through the cracks in the floor. The people in the parish were kind and generous too; but the settlement was new, and each family was struggling for itself. Little by little, at the time I needed it most, my faith began to waver. Early in life I was taught to take God at His word, and I thought my lesson was well learned, I had lived upon His promises in dark times, until I knew as David did, “who was my Fortress and Deliverer.” Now a daily prayer for forgiveness was all that I could offer. My husband’s overcoat was hardly thick enough for October, and he was often obliged to ride miles to attend some meeting or funeral. Many times our breakfast was Indian cake, and a cup of tea without sugar. Christmas was coming; the children always expecting presents. I remember the ice was thick and smooth, and the boys were each craving a pair of skates. Ruth, in some unaccountable way, had taken a fancy that the dolls I had made were no longer suitable; she wanted a nice large one, and insisted on praying for it. I knew it seemed impossible, but oh! I wanted so very much to give the children the presents they each longed for. It seemed as if God had deserted us, but I did not tell my husband all this. He worked so earnestly and heartily. I supposed him to be as hopeful as ever. I kept the sitting room cheerful with an open fire and tried to serve our scanty meals as appealingly as I could. The morning before Christmas, James was called in to see a sick man. I put up a piece of bread for his lunch – it was the best I could do – wrapped my plaid shawl around his neck, and then tried to whisper a promise as I often had, but the words died away upon my lips. I let him go without it. That was a dark, hopeless day. I coaxed the children to bed early, for I could not bear their talk. When Ruth went to bed, I listened to her prayer. She asked for the last time most explicitly for her doll, and for the skates for her brothers. Her bright face looked so lovely when she whispered to me. “You know I think they’ll be here early tomorrow morning, Mama.” I thought then that I would move heaven and earth to save her from the disappointment. I sat down alone that night and gave way to the most bitter tears. Before long James returned, chilled and exhausted. He drew off his boots: the thin stockings slipped off with them and his feet were red with cold. I wouldn’t treat a dog this way, let alone a faithful servant!” I said bitterly. Then as I glanced up and saw the hard lines in his face and the look of despair, it flashed across me – James had let go, too. I brought him a cup of tea, feeling sick and dizzy at the very thought. He took my hand and we sat for an hour without a word. I wanted to die and meet God, and tell Him His promise wasn’t true; my soul was so full of rebellious despair. There came a sound of bells, a quick stop, and a loud knock at the door. James sprang up to open it. There stood Deacon White. “A box came by express just before dark,” he said. “I brought it round as soon as I could get away. Reckon it might be for Christmas. ‘At any rate,’ I said, ‘they shall have it tonight.’ Here is a turkey my wife asked me to fetch along, and these other things I believe belong to you.” There was a basket of potatoes and a bag of flour. Talking all the time, he carried in a box, and then, with a hearty goodnight, he rode away. Still without speaking, James found a chisel and opened the box. He drew out first a thick red blanket, and saw that beneath was full of clothing. It seemed at that moment as if Christ fastened on me a look of reproach. James sat down and covered his face with his hands. “I cannot touch them,” he exclaimed; “I haven’t been true, just when God was trying me to see if I could hold out. Do you think I could not see how you were suffering? And I had no word of comfort to offer. I know now how to preach the awfulness of turning from God.” “James.” I said, clinging to him, “don’t take it to heart like this; I am to blame, I ought to have helped you. We will ask Him together to forgive us.” “Wait a moment, dear, I cannot talk now,” he said, then he went into another room. I knelt down, and my heart broke; in an instant all the darkness, all the stubbornness rolled away. Jesus came again and stood before me, but with the loving words: “Daughter!” Sweet promises of tenderness and joy flooded my soul. I was so lost in praise and gratitude that I forgot everything else. I don’t know how long it was before James came back, but I knew he, too, had found peace. “Now my dear wife,” he said, “let us thank God together.” He then poured out words of praise; Bible words, for nothing else could express our thanksgiving. It was 11 o’clock, the fire was low, and there was the great box, and nothing touched but the warn blanket we had so desperately needed. We piled on some fresh logs, lighted two candles, and began to examine our treasures. We drew out an overcoat; I made James try it on. It was just the right size and I danced around him, for all my lightheartedness had returned. There was a warm suit of clothes also, and three pairs of woolen hose. There was a dress for me, and yards of flannel; a pair of arctic overshoes for each of us, and in mine was a slip of paper. I have it now, and mean to hand it down to my children. It was Jacob’s blessing to Asher, “Thy shoes shall be iron and brass, and as thy days, so shall thy strength be.” In the gloves, evidently for James, the same dear hand had written, “I, the Lord thy God, will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, ‘Fear not, I will help thee.’” It was a wonderful box, and packed with thoughtful care. There was a suit of clothes for each of the boys and a little red gown for Ruth. There were mittens, scarves, and hoods; and down in the center, a box. We opened it and there was a great wax doll. I burst into tears again; James wept with me for the joy. It was too much; and then we both exclaimed again, for next we drew out two pairs of skates. There were books for us to read; some of them I had wished to see; stories for the children to read; aprons and underclothing; yards of ribbons; a lovely photograph; needles buttons and thread; and an envelope containing a ten-dollar gold piece. At last we cried over everything we took up. It was past midnight, and we were faint and exhausted with happiness. I made a cup of tea, cut a fresh loaf of bread and James boiled some eggs. We drew up the table before the fire – how we enjoyed our supper! And then we sat talking over our life and how sure a help God always proved to be. You should have seen the children the next morning. The boys raised a shout at the sight of their skates. Ruth caught up her doll, and hugged it tightly without a word. Then she went into her room and knelt by her bed. When she came back she whispered to me, “I knew it would be there, Mama, but I wanted to thank God just the same, you know.” “Look here, wife,” cried James. We went to the window and there were the boys out of the house already, and skating on the ice with all their might. My husband and I both tried to return thanks to the church in the East that sent us the box and have tried to return thanks unto God every day since. Hard times have come again and again, but we have trusted in Him; dreading nothing so much as a doubt of His protecting care. Over and over again we have proved that, “They that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.”

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Seeing Through a Glass Darkly

Debi Pearl — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 02:05:56 +0000

Twenty-two years ago a wonderful, sweet, darling two-year-old boy, whom I loved, came down with a fever. Within 24 hours he was dead. During the days after his death, while the family grieved, I kept his baby brother. I remember staring at my sweet Rebekah and feeling a sense of relief that it was not she who was taken. “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” What I am about to say will be hard for many of you to understand, but as an older woman I feel compelled to speak. Death is not the worst enemy. When I was a young mother, this truth was simply beyond comprehension. To lose a child was my worst fear. I avoided long bridges because I was afraid I could not save all my children if the car plunged into the water. I carefully chose cars by the ease of opening the safety buckles and doors—just in case. I studied medications, familiarizing myself with potential problems and learning how to use alternative medicines. My natural instinct to protect my children, regardless of the cost, was in full operation. God gave me that instinct. Along the way, other children whom I knew died, and I continued to cling to my children, trying to guard their safety. Yet how frail my efforts would have been if death had come calling. When you are young and raising a family, death seems to be the ultimate loss. The grief is a pain you can only know first hand. When we are young, we see through a glass darkly. As we grow older, life is not as big as we thought it was when it was all before us. Life in this flesh is quite temporary. I am not so old yet. Life is still precious. Death is still the enemy. I continue to cling to life, not only my own, but to that of those I love. Yet, my clinging has changed. Somewhere over the passing years I realized death was not the worst enemy. Grief over death stopped being the worst grief. I can now see just a tiny bit clearer through the dark glass. Eternity is so eternal, so terribly final, so completely forever. Death is not final. By the grace of God, it is not without hope. There is something yet beyond. Temporarily saying goodbye, even to a child, is still temporary. There will be a glad tomorrow. At the parting of death it is our own loss we grieve, not the child’s, who has gone into the presence of God. But there is a loss into the darkness of eternity that is far more than the loss of temporary separation. The older you get, the more you see the real enemy; you learn to recognize the real grief. It is not a temporary parting that brings apprehension, but knowledge of certain and eternal judgment awaiting your child. The pain of that rebellious child seeking a life of destruction is a thousand times more grievous than losing a baby. That mother I spoke of earlier, the one who lost her baby, suffered another, far greater loss years later. She lost her second son to the devil. Looking back, she now admits it was her own selfish grief and bitterness. It stole her joy, leaving her without a smile to nurture her living son. I heard her say 14 years after the death of her son, “It would have been easier to have also lost this one to death as a baby than to see what has become of him now.” I remember when I carried my first child in my womb; I had waited for 3 years, and when I finally got pregnant I was the happiest person I had ever known. One day, as I practiced childbirth relaxation, God spoke to me. I believe He told me to give the child I was carrying to Him. I began to cry and beg God not to take the baby, all afternoon I wrestled with my own feelings and what I believed God wanted of me. Finally, in great grief I surrendered the child to God. As the days passed, I was totally thrilled and amazed that nothing happened. When the baby was born strong and healthy, I knew God had something bigger than what I had feared. Still, I saw through a glass darkly. Life and death were the only two “biggies” in my life. Thereafter, as each child was conceived, I eagerly gave it to God. Throughout their childhood I had instincts just like every other mother. I would protect my children at any cost. Instinct, although an overwhelming feeling, is just instinct. Even mother animals will die protecting their young. Oh, mother, if we as young mothers could just get a vision of something greater than instinct for our children, and begin to feel just as urgently for their souls, how different it would make us. Things that appear as tragedies are not so tragic. If as young mothers we could have eternity in our eyes. Older mothers, God-fearing mothers see more clearly. Whether it is age or spiritual maturity, I don’t know—maybe both—but it is not for their lives we fear; it for their souls. We are still stirred to pray for their safety and health, but our consuming prayer is that they overcome all the snares and diversions this evil world can offer. Where once a mother begged God's protection for her child, she now begs Divine intervention at any cost (including life or limb). No, death is not your greatest enemy. Death brings a temporary sadness, a time of great loneliness, but in Christ there is always hope. Your greatest enemies are those vying for your child's soul. People often ask me how I could ever let my daughter Rebekah go to the mountains of Papua New Guinea. What they don't understand is that I let Rebekah go years before when she was still in my womb. Yes, I have fears, but there is great hope. There is great joy. There is wonderful peace in knowing this is only temporary. I shall see her in a few months, or maybe in a few years, but most assuredly I will be with her again. There is no grief, there is no pain, there is only a glad tomorrow. Yes, I cry when she leaves, and I wander from room to room for a few weeks. When there is word she will return I clean and clean, and buy her clothes and talk and cry some more. But, mother, what would it be like if she were to disappear from home, leaving in anger and rebellion? If I knew she left with a man I didn't like or respect. Weeks pass and there is no word, there is no hope. Grief? That is real grief. You think because they are grown you cease to feel? Death is such a simple thing compared to this grief. You lose a child to death, and everyone understands your sorrow and shares your pain. But lose a child to Satan's grip and you are an island alone, buffeted on every side with such turmoil, such pain, sleepless nights, exhausted prayer, and hopelessness. Grief? Only the older mother understands eternal grief. Only the older mother can look in the face of a young mother and say, train your children to obey, raise them to love God, be real in the home, so much depends on it. When you are a young mother raising a family, it is so easy to care about your own feelings, your own hurts, your little fuss with your husband. Oh, but Mother, there is coming a day when your own feelings, hurts, and fusses will seem so immaterial, so silly. It is that atmosphere emanating from your relationship to your husband, your attitude and responses that help decide your baby's future in eternity. It is not your child training techniques; it is who you are today. It is how you respond to life's ups and downs and to life's grief and joy. It is how you honor your husband, thus how you honor God. We go through life so protective of our children’s bodies. Let us as mothers early look to the protection of their souls. The enemy is not death. The enemy is not outside, lurking to get in; the enemy is a mother’s heart dedicated to a mother’s feelings. It is our own selfishness, our own anger, our own bitterness, and our own disappointments. The enemy is Mother, doing what is right in her own eyes instead of obeying God. God, grant us the wisdom to get beyond instinct to the wisdom of true love. God, grant us hearts to see, to feel, and to live with eternity in our eyes. “The aged women likewise, that…they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children” (Titus 2:3-4).

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Go, and Sneer No More

Debi Pearl — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 02:02:24 +0000

Over the last 40-plus years, we have watched couples fall in—and out—of love. In many cases, the ones we were certain would make it did not, and those we thought would surely end in divorce thrived in love. So what’s the secret? There are many dynamics in marriage that make it fail or flourish, but over the years there is one underlying element that has proven to be the deal maker or breaker. I don’t know if it is the cause or the symptom, but it is a certain marker…sitting in the seat of the scornful. A family full of scorn is a family headed for ruin, for scorn is the soul in decay. It is finding fault and deriding the failures of others while believing oneself to be somewhat better. The family piles into the family van to head home from church, and within seconds Mom speaks. “God help us, Mrs. Don’s makeup is so brazen it’s embarrassing.” The children register their mom’s remark while their minds take them back two minutes to when Mom stood by the van laughing and talking with Mrs. Don as if they were best friends. Mrs. Don has often entertained the children and done other nice things for their family, but… Dad interrupts, “That d@# preacher needs to learn to tell time. The deacons have warned him several times, but he doesn’t know when to shut up.” The kids see their mother’s instant disapproval for Daddy using the D-word. They know that mama reeeeally likes the preacher because she calls him every time Daddy does something bad. Something uglier than damn has taken hold of the children—it is called disrespect. And the disrespect in the children’s souls is not confined to the preacher or Mrs. Don; it is becoming a part of their worldview, and it will be directed toward the parents soon enough. Mom thinks her glance of condemnation will clear the air, but instead it further tears down the family. The next time she seeks the preacher’s advice, the children will sneer. Teenage sister is giggling with brother, “Did you see those geeky shoes Sara had on? Man, I would die before I would walk around looking like that. She is such a dork.” Sara is sister’s best friend, or at least she used to be. “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful” (Psalm 1:1). Note the digression from walking to standing to sitting. The practice of scorning quickly becomes a permanent post. As a general rule, the disease of scorning is most prominent in Christians who deem themselves most separate in doctrine and righteousness. Just as none are so obnoxious about diet as the health-food nuts, none are so obnoxious about lifestyle as fundamentalist Bible-believers and elitist homeschoolers who deem themselves above common practitioners. This is bad because being scornful has a huge negative impact throughout life. All that church-going homeschooling parents try to pour into their children will be cancelled out with this one bad habit of scorning. Children who grow up in a family where scorning is common will be molded into a worldview that will shape their choice of spouse, the way they relate in marriage, and the way they raise their children. A young girl who grows up hearing scorning will become a scorning wife. The first time her husband is a jerk—and he will be—she will resort to the lower instincts she has learned and scorn instead of pray and forgive. Her new husband will experience scorn instead of biblically mandated reverence. The equation reads like this: Her scorn = his lack of love. When they come for counsel, she will demand that he love her as Christ loved the church, and he will sheepishly tell us it is hard to love her, and we will know why. How can a man truly love a woman who treats him with disdain and disapproval? The recipe for a good marriage doesn’t include a pinch of scorn. But the husband may have come from a scorning family, so he will have scorned her family before they were married, which makes her feel justified in her contempt toward her husband. This equation reads like this: disrespect breeds disrespect, or scorn brings on deeper scorn. And like Thanksgiving turkey, it becomes a family tradition. One reason scorn, and thus divorce, has skyrocketed is the diminishing of community. People once lived and died around the same group of friends and family. People had to learn to treat their lifetime neighbors with some degree of respect. When you knew a girl might grow up and bear your grandkids, you learned to hold your ridicule if she appeared to be a little dumb. If you thought a boy could grow up and marry your daughter, you didn’t want him labeled too poorly. In that era, self-preservation depended upon the advancement of everyone within the circle. Everybody in the community was important to the community as a whole, and faults were better tolerated for the well-being of all. As a child, I knew of a family that had six daughters. The only thing I can remember about this highly intelligent, correctly religious, successful pastor’s family was the constant run of ridicule that prevailed in his household, usually directed toward a church member for being stupid, ugly, or messy. The pretty girls all married, divorced, remarried, and divorced again. Pastor Dad finally got involved in an affair, bringing his marriage to an end as well. Blessed is the family…that sitteth not in the seat of the scornful. Many of you reading this were raised around a table of scorn. You will most likely marry spouses from families that nit-picked their church members as they drove away from church each week. Or perhaps it was the previous church that they carefully dismembered. The infectious disease of mockery takes its toll. Usually the ridicule will not be harsh and is not meant to be cruel; it takes the form of offhanded remarks said in order to disparage the other. Perhaps the most damaging type of denigration for a child is when he thinks that his parents truly like and respect someone, and then as soon as they get in the car he hears the parents’ disdain for that person. Raining down dishonor on the teacher or preacher who is teaching the child the Bible will cause the child to lose his reverence for God and will surely lead to the child’s rejection of God. It doesn’t matter if the preacher deserves the reviling; is the venting worth the damage done in the heart of your child who heard you give your “spiritual” opinion? This two-faced diet breeds more of the same. Critical spirits don’t have just one home; they migrate and multiply like seed ticks. Wife against husband, husband against wife, and then children against parents; and when sin is conceived, it will keep your teenager from ever developing a healthy fear of God. Without fear of God there will be no wisdom. Fools—that’s what you will be raising. “How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge?” (Proverbs 1:22). So in the end, you might save your marriage if you happen to have married someone who doesn’t equal you in sneering, but unless someone else intervenes, your children will bear your sin and pass it on to your grandchildren. The moral of the story: Go, and sneer no more. ~ Debi

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Count Your Blessings

Debi Pearl — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 16:30:33 +0000

God gave instruction concerning thankfulness over 3000 years ago. It is an important subject that is so easy to take for granted and even dismiss. He says, “Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name” Psalm 100:4. This ageless, wise advice has shaped the lives of millions. It is only in the last few years that secular health researchers have discovered that thankfulness makes us healthier and happier. It was while I was sitting in the hospital waiting room, whittling away my time reading secular magazines, that I stumbled across several articles concerning this very subject. It appears that research now confirms that people who show gratitude are healthier, sleep better than their ungrateful peers, have better relationships, and generally have more productive lives. Voilà! One such research test was done at the University of Manchester, England, where 401 people filled out questionnaires that rated their gratitude. The response showed those who scored highest in gratefulness slept longer and better than less-appreciative participants. Thanksgiving is an outpouring of the very root of the soul. It is a reflection of the heart. It reveals peace. It is the presence of goodwill toward others. It is easy to understand how a person who goes to bed with negative thoughts will be too troubled to sleep well. As I thought about thanksgiving, the ramifications were endless. Thankfulness is key to honoring God, worshiping God, and serving God. It paves the road to a wholesome life, a restful life, a peaceful life—a happy life. Wow, how important such a simple thing as being thankful can be! How easy to lose sight of this simple act, and it is an ACT of the will, something you CHOOSE. Thankfulness is an act of the will. It is making a conscious decision that God is worthy and should be praised and thanked no matter what the circumstance. When we have that attitude toward God, we stop having a critical attitude toward others. We look at every event as an occasion for learning. Have you ever felt like your life is just wasted? You are treading on unthankful waters. Expect to sink. Have you ever just brooded and wished he wouldn’t . . . ? Go easy, it sounds like a lack of gratitude is stealing your peace. Would you like to see someone fail, really hit the floor? Hmmm . . . read on for SURE. Thankfulness Several years ago some old missionaries sent me a book they had written called An Attitude of Gratitude. What they lacked in ability in writing, they made up for in a life of thankfulness. As I read their story, it struck me how they found joy in the smallest things of life and covered a multitude of sorrow with thanksgiving. On the cover, their old faces were wrinkled with lines as they smiled at the camera. As I stared at their picture, I felt their thankfulness. I am sure it was and still is a sweet savor to God. I have often asked myself, is my life a reflection of that kind of gratitude? Our natural bent is to be unthankful; most people go through life feeling unhappy, and this is an affront to God. It is a silent scream that we are dissatisfied or unthankful. It is a child’s natural reaction to whine and gripe about his food, clothes, or any other thing he wants. To ignore this as an ugly attitude that will pass is training him to dishonor God with a spirit of unthankfulness, and it is setting up his life to be one of discontent. But how can we train our children to be thankful if we, ourselves, live in that state? When my oldest daughter was about 12 years old, I suddenly woke up to the fact that she lacked joy in her life. As a young mother, I wanted her to be happy, to thrive, and to find great contentment in creativity, but I had no idea how to make this happen. One day I was reading aloud Psalms 30:9–12 when I noticed my younger children dancing around with their hands in the air. I glanced down and read again, “What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth? Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.” That day I set up a homeschool project for my daughter. She was to find all the words in the Bible that were connected with the word JOY. Over the next few weeks, her notebook was filled with verses on thanksgiving, dancing, laughter, sacrifice, and gladness. She taught me as she studied. What impressed me more than anything was the fact that thanksgiving was a sacrifice of praise and worship. Sacrifice—something I did that was not a natural happening. The opposite would also stand true. Being down-in-the-mouth was unthankfulness, which would be an insult toward God. I have a naturally upbeat personality, but there were times when I was stressed and I immediately recognized it as what it was—unthankfulness. So I ask myself, what is a source of stress or ingratitude in my life? Sometimes, it is a simple thing, such as being under too much pressure to perform—basically, too much to do with too little energy to see it through. Mike always says life is better if you organize and manage. Hiring a young girl to help homeschool, clean house, and cook helped me get focused on important issues. I traded vegetables with her mother because we didn’t have money to spare for paying a helper. The results were wonderful. As my daughter continued her study on joy, I continued to search my life for ways I could dwell on thanksgiving. God began a work in both of us; really our whole family benefited from this study. The word of God was quick and powerful in our lives as we sought to honor God through being thankful. Bitterness For some people, the issue of unthankfulness runs much deeper. I must admit after all these years of counseling that my first thought when I think of an unthankful person is that bitterness has taken root. Bitterness is a very troublesome word and certainly a taxing state of mind. The worst thing about bitterness is that it is so catchy. It is like the pandemic flu that all health officials dread. Some people spend their whole life in a state of bitterness and never recognize it for what it is. They are just vexed in their souls about so-and-so or this-or-that. Bitterness causes a person to perceive hurt. Hebrews 12:15 says, “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” God says look diligently because it takes real focus to avoid catching the flu of bitterness. A young man is bitter at his parents, and he marries. Bitterness does not allow his brain to ever really rest. His mind is forever devising contrived conversations that will convince everyone how terribly he has been treated. These unsavory thoughts spill out, defiling those around him. It is sad how bitterness defiles whole families, following generation after generation. A mother who is bitter with her husband passes it along to her daughter and causes that young girl to be irritated and take offense, often blaming her hormones for her anger. Her life becomes one of being annoyed. Her husband walks on edge, wondering what will set her off. Or in many cases, it is the man who is mad at the world and makes his family miserable. Bitterness never stays put; it eventually spreads to taint how you react to your spouse, fellow worker or boss, and folks at church, and as you raise your children, you will become bitter toward them and they you. They grow up viewing life through your bitter, ungrateful eyes. Sleep eludes the bitter soul. Restless nights give evidence of a troubled mind and an unthankful heart. Don’t let bitterness eat away all that is joyful and good in your life. Take a good look at yourself instead of looking at others, and declare war on unthankfulness. God can do for you what he did for me. He is waiting to hear you say, what is it in my life that makes me unthankful? His WORD is effectual. It is alive and working, able to change you as you study it. Open your Bible and do a study on joy or thankfulness. Look up every time the words appear, and list the words it is coupled with. Then began to choose thankfulness—all day, every day. Practice saying thank you to God. When you feel sad, mad, depressed, or irritated, STOP and (out loud) thank God that he is able to change your heart and break this chain of unthankfulness. Our lives are meant to be filled with joy, gladness, thankfulness, and rejoicing. It is praise to God for us to live our lives in this state. Anything less is . . . well, we will not go there. Enough said. Rejoice; and again I say, rejoice.

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Grand Grandparents

Michael Pearl — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 15:05:02 +0000

Nineteen grandkids are sometimes exhausting—wonderfully exhausting. I go to work and do physical labor to get some rest. God gave kids to young adults because they can stand up to the rigors of raising a family. But we grandparents have our own special place. We may tire and have to take a nap or send them home early, but for a time we are able to devote 100% of our attention and energy toward the little ones. I will admit, when the grandkids are present I am useless for anything else. They make me run here and there and laugh until I am worn to a frazzle. I play music while they dance. I rig fishing poles, bait hooks, take fish off the line, and then clean them. We go for rides in the woods in my little buggy, read books, eat, go swimming, and I fall down exhausted while they turn to Mama Pearl for more excitement. She takes them to the garden or gets them involved doing house chores or taking care of the chickens—things like shelling and grinding corn or changing the water. Another benefit of being a grandparent is that we don’t have to see the kids at their worst—bored, hungry, tired. Nor do we bear the primary responsibility of training. They are pretty well-trained by the time they are big enough to hang out with us. But we do have a great responsibility that falls to us entirely. We should guard against spoiling what the parents are trying to instill in their children. Grandparents can be a great blessing or a curse to their grandchildren. So I am going to give you the three laws of grandparenting. 1.) Always communicate great respect for the child’s parents and deference toward their rules and manner of raising the kids. There is a tendency in grandparents to compete for the affections of the kids by denigrating their parents. It is a subtle thing that those who are doing it would deny. Satan denigrated God by asking Eve, “Yea, hath God said?” “Did your parents say that? Why would they say that?” The implication is that I, the grandparent, would never deny you something that would make you happy. Any attempt to embrace the children by loosing the embrace of the parents is an evil of great magnitude. It does not hurt the parents nearly as much as it does the children, for parents are God’s surrogate potentates, representatives of all law and justice. To diminish respect for parents is to diminish respect for authority. It makes rebels of the children while giving the grandparents a false and temporary sense of being special. 2.) Never say, “Now, don’t tell your parents.” It seems like an innocent bit of intrigue to develop a club-like atmosphere of “us and them”; it makes us appear to be a special group that maintains secrets from the rest of the world, especially overly-rigid parents who would deny pleasure to their children. But it is not innocent or harmless. It may be fun to the grandparents to form a secret club of junk-food eaters, TV watchers, or whatever with the children, but the expense to their character is too great. Secrets from authorities are lies, and rebellion breeds a worldview that says “live in pleasure regardless of what the authorities say, for they cannot be trusted to seek your best interest. And when the rules don’t suit you, just do as you please and keep it a secret from those in oversight.” As a child relates to his parents, so he relates to all authority, including God. If you loose a child from the moors of authority in order to tie them alongside your boat, the day will come when he will cut loose from all in the safe harbor and sail into a storm from which he will not return. 3.) Never second-guess the parents’ rules regarding food, dress, entertainment, etc. God gave the parents the responsibility of raising those kids. He gave you a rocking chair and lots of idle time. Don’t let your idle time become the devil’s workshop. Never allow the children to violate the rules parents have set down. If they say no TV, that is final. If they say no playing with the neighbor kids, stand by it. If they say no climbing in trees or no bicycle riding on the sidewalk, then it is the law of the Medes and Persians. When we allow a dispensation of lax law, we communicate the concept that law is arbitrary and capricious. We grandparents must be surrogate parents in the image of their own parents. I remember as we raised our children, we tried to deny or severely limit their intake of junk food like candy bars and Cokes. But they loved to go to Grandma’s house because she kept the junk just for them. For a while we constantly griped about it, but we soon learned that it was a hopeless battle, so we resigned ourselves to allowing them to indulge while there. That was less harmful than their being aware of our contention with the “sweet” grandparents. Now that I have assumed the role of grandparent, I understand what drove them. As soon as the smiling kids walk in the door, I want to delight them with a treat. It does purchase a lot of immediate good feelings. But our house never contains sweet pop or candy bars. If it did, I don’t see how I could resist lighting up their faces with a dose of toxins. Yes, we are better-informed than earlier generations, but the principle remains the same. Grandparents want to purchase praise and love. But the purchase must be within the rules the parents have set down. We grandparents are only grand when we act grandly. We can be a great blessing to our children—allowing them a little time off, a night alone, a short honeymoon once a year, a break during the day, or a place for the kids to stay while Mama is screaming, “It hurts too much; this is the last baby I am going to have.” So let’s perform our roles to the glory of God and the encouragement of the parents who alone bear the full responsibility for these children. Personal note: Most of my grandkids are better trained than were my children. It is a deep pleasure to see them all faring so well. It is like reaping the sweet fruit of many years of labor.

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