No Greater Joy Ministries » Mothers / Women

Pacification Parenting

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 17:00:38 +0000

Children begin life totally dependent upon someone else. Parents are gifted with a hormonal instinct to protect and nurture their young—a most compelling and satisfying drive. Nothing is required of the infant. We patiently tolerate crying, waking us in the night, throwing up all over us, and still we rush to meet their every need and desire. But, in about eighteen years, we will expect them to be totally autonomous souls fully responsible for themselves. That’s one crazy eighteen years, and who is sufficient for these things? Many kids are not ready to take responsibility when the time comes. Most are still not ready at thirty. Over half of the population never becomes productive members of society. They expect someone else to assume responsibility for their happiness—parents, government, labor union, spouse, or others. When life falls apart it is someone else’s fault. They make the perfect socialists in a welfare state that is presiding over its decline. How does this happen and what can we as parents do to guarantee that our sons and daughters grow up to be men and women with the dignity of responsibility and self sufficiency? Homeschooling is a good start, pretty much indispensable, but much more is required. There are many reasons why most kids grow up to be underachievers and over-demanders, but we are going to address the most destructive and universal. Parents fail to transition their dependent infants into self sufficiency. That transition should begin at about six months, when a child learns to feed himself, and it is a bell curve thereafter. Every day opens up new opportunities for the child to take responsibility for his life. By one year of age we expect him to wait and be patient. By the time he is two or three years old, he should begin taking responsibility for others in the household, performing family chores that serve the group, like picking up, washing dishes, cleaning, carrying in firewood, etc. His contribution won’t be much and will be harder on us than doing it ourselves, but it is indispensable to his training. A three-year-old should learn not to interrupt and to be respectful of the property of others, assisting adults in their chores. The six-year-old should be completely responsible to dress himself and clean his room, including changing sheets and vacuuming. By the time he is ten years old he should be doing the work of a man, and the ten-year-old girl should be able to replace her mother entirely, caring for her or others when they are sick. We are not talking slave labor; our experience is that of a happy, well adjusted child with a high sense of self worth as she plays her part as a contributing member of the social order. The Amish say, “Through about their third year children are dependent and require extra labor to maintain—a drain on the family. The four to seven-year-old pays his way, is not a drain but neither is he profitable. After seven the child is a profit to the family, yielding more than it costs to maintain him.” The more children there are in a family over seven years of age the more productive the family and the easier it is on the parents to make a living and maintain the home. That would be the experience of any farm family; it was the experience of our great grandparents. Family is a corporate endeavor, a place where children learn to accept responsibility and do their part for the group. The healthy family prepares children for the adult world into which they will eventually emerge, teaching them to become makers instead of takers, independent instead of dependent. They cannot become confident and powerful if they remain dependent on family, government, employers, or spouses for their happiness. Herein is the problem. It is twofold. First, the modern structure of the home does not lend itself to raising children to assume responsibility. Kids are not needed. How many families need their children to cut and split firewood? Who gathers eggs and feeds the horses and cows? How many are carrying and heating hot water for washing clothes or taking baths? How many must grind wheat and knead bread? There was a time when children learned responsibility from even the most ignorant and inept parent because the lifestyle placed demands upon them, a situation that no longer exists in 99.9 percent of our homes. Today, in our modern, automated, digital, industrialized world, children are treated like potted plants, watered and nourished, loved and displayed, but of no practical use. Second, and this is the subject at hand, parents are reluctant to make demands of their children that might cause discomfort. Today’s kid is overindulged and underengaged. Overindulged children are the product of pacification parenting. It is easier to appease and make happy than to instruct and constrain to responsible action. Today’s parents must make an effort to find areas of responsibility for the child, and then it has an artificial feel to it, leaving the child questioning, “Why should I have to do this?” When the child balks and is unhappy with doing his assigned duty, parents feel guilty or just find it easier to do it themselves. After all, the automated world in which we live does not provide a full day’s work for even one person in the family. And to complicate the situation ever further, many parents like the good feeling they get when serving their children. Overindulged children in their consumption are momentarily made happy and reward their benefactors with delightful smiles. Parents become addicted to pleasing because it feels so good. And to interrupt the little guy’s pleasure with demands is not going to feel good. Serving them beyond the time when they are capable of doing it themselves is a parent’s way of saying, “I love you; I wash your clothes; I pick up after you; I fix your meals and clean up while you play games because I love you. It makes you so happy when I do something for you, so I will be your servant and you will love me for it.” But there comes a time when the big kid is obnoxiously unthankful and expects love to come in the form of unconditional service. An undisciplined, overindulged child will grow up to expect society and family to make them happy with no painful contribution on their part. Their sense of entitlement grows with every unearned reward. Motel maids get more gratitude. The overindulged child is the undeveloped child and becomes the incompetent adult with poor social skills and a lousy self-image. Parents are the only hope children have. A daddy’s duty is to prepare his children to be overcomers in a world that is hostile to hope and holiness. It should be our goal to work ourselves out of a job as quickly as possible, to bring them to the place where they possess the wisdom and will to act autonomously. Happiness is found in producing for the benefit of others. Eating out of a common pot when you haven’t put in more than you take out lends itself to moral weakness and a poor self-image. No child wants to learn self discipline. Their human propensity is to avoid work and responsibility, so they must be organized and managed and, where necessary, constrained. Our children learn by observation and participation. It is daily habits that train up children and communicate worldviews. A child develops work habits by working regularly. It is the parents’ responsibility to organize and manage in ways that instill good habits. Accepting the sacrifices of duty and self control is a slow process done in increments, like learning to walk barefooted on sharp rocks. One’s feet must be toughed one step at a time. Many little pains of service and duty, tolerated in increments, produce tough individuals with moral earnestness and a willingness to suffer the pain of responsible action. You cannot overindulge a kid until he is eighteen and then suddenly endow him with duty. It will be shockingly painful on his tender, pampered soul. The overindulged, grown kid possesses a worldview that does not include painful self-denial. So don’t expect a child to choose the painful path of participation. List their duties on a spreadsheet if necessary and put it on the wall to be checked off when completed. Take your child by the hand and do the chores of life together. Make duty fun and full of fellowship. Children develop a sense of duty by being managed into consistently performing meaningful acts of service to the family unit—by being needed in tangible ways. Most parents think love is a magic bullet. It is the one indispensable foundation, but feelings or gestures of love will not provoke children to accept the pain of self denial. Being needed emotionally does not grow character; it breeds unhealthy dependence. But we all need to be needed in ways that make us know we are valued for what we do. We are not comforted by being loved unless we know we are making a contribution to those who love us. The loved child who doesn’t give back becomes narcissistic and either arrogantly self promoting or self loathing, possibly both. The work of love is found not in making the other person comfortable in their shortcomings, but rather in allowing them to become uncomfortable while addressing harmful habits. When you fail to constrain your child to right action, such as picking up after himself or cleaning his bathroom, but do it for him, you are not loving him; you are serving your own feelings by avoiding conflict that would make you uncomfortable. Few parents train their children to control impulses and gracefully accept delayed gratification; much less are children cultivated to discern good and evil and exercise self denial. Humanity is awesome and heavenly in its ability to act wisely, contrary to impulses and passions, choosing truth and righteousness over indulgence and intemperance. In contrast, humanity is vulgar and depraved in its propensity to follow the path of pleasure and indiscriminately indulge like an inbred dog with no master beyond appetite. The world is a battleground of good and evil, and let’s be honest, evil usually wins the day as good retreats to a lonely spot in hopes of survival. In conclusion, remember the words organize and manage. That is what you should do right now. Sit down and write out an organized plan to involve your children in meaningful responsible chores. Determine right now that you will not give in to your feelings of needing to serve, and that you will be tough when they whine and act like they are in pain when called upon to do their part. When you have created a general plan for the day, then determine to be the hawkish manager of your new enterprise. Above all, keep it light and fun. Never give in to whining, accusing, complaining, threatening, or anger. When you organize and manage there is never any need to be angry, for you are in control and no longer depend on intimidation to force them to choose rightly. You have organized and managed them into doing what they should. Remember, their feet will toughen one step at a time. Each step will be a little bit painful, but bearable. In time they will be toughened to the pain of duty and responsible actions, growing strong in self sufficiency and service to others.

Training Toddlers

Leah Spina — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 17:00:34 +0000

My white-haired son Samson is 18 months old. We have entered the world of toddler conflict. All day long I make him do things he doesn’t want to do. He doesn’t want to get in the car seat, come inside, or get his diaper changed. He can’t talk, so he can’t understand. He doesn’t understand why he can’t run in the street, eat five lollypops, or go around in a wet diaper. All he knows is that I am the bad guy. Crying, whining, fits, and a firm mama. Day in and day out. I’m a pretty good parent. I’m consistent, levelheaded, and fun. But there are still big battles each day. That’s why I decided to write this article. I want to encourage toddler parents that even though it seems like you are battling each day, those battles are the breeding ground for success. What you are doing counts. Don’t give up and don’t lose heart! Whining, crying, and fits are natural responses to good parenting.

The Big Picture

The thing that helps me continue to train consistently—even if I’m bracing myself for a big wail when I say “no” for the millionth time—is this thought: It is much easier to train a one-year-old than a five-year-old. Yes, whining, crying, and fits create tension. Training is stressful. I am often tempted to give in just to stop the screaming. You try cooking when he is pulling at your leg for one piece of forbidden food. I am tempted to just give him a bite! But I must remember that I’m teaching him obedience, self-control, and patience. Toddler training is conflict-ridden, but it is much easier than waiting to train a willful, unbridled, selfish five-year-old; you can’t even physically restrain them at that age.

Creating More Conflict on Purpose

The earliest training was training him be still when I changed his diaper. It was then easier to train him to be still for other things.

I often watch mothers train toddlers at birthday parties or parks, because we are all training them each day whether we think about it or not. We are rewarding their behavior each day. Does crying merit a reward that encourages them to whine more? Or is whining ignored and thus subsides because there is no reward? A toddler sitting on Mother’s lap sees something fun and starts thrashing wildly about, so Mother plops him down on the ground so he can gleefully run away. It takes a lot more training (and produces more conflict) for you to ask your toddler to sign “please” first or ask permission to get down, pointing to the object he wants to explore. What about the toddler who starts banging a plastic golf club on other children, and Mother runs over and grabs it away instead of training her not to hit? Or the mother who runs after her toddler instead of training him to come on command? I think how much easier it would be to just manage my toddler instead of proactively training him. I wish I could just grab the golf club away instead of spending time training him not to hit. But then Samson and I would both be exhausted, angry, and frustrated. I am starting to enjoy the fruit of toddler training. Even though he doesn’t understand why, Samson knows there are consequences and often obeys even in new things. When I point to a “no, no” object, he often walks away. That is much easier than guarding the fireplace or standing by forbidden breakables all night long at a party. So, yes, even though you are down on your knees explaining precisely what is a “no, no” and then waiting to train if there is disobedience, you are making your life and your child’s life easier in the long run! You will have more conflict initially, but eventually less!

Home Training Is Crucial to Public Success

One of the easiest places to relax on training is in your own home. It’s much easier to relax on the couch than to get up and train him not to touch the TV volume control (which isn’t even on) again. But remember, your child will only obey in public if she has been taught to obey at home. If whining at home means she gets what she wants, she will whine in public. All day long, Samson wants things, asks me to hold him, wants to get down from his high chair, etc. I try to remember it’s okay if he is whining when he doesn’t get what he wants! If I think it is stressful hearing him whine now, I think about him whining at a restaurant or grocery store! That makes me “stick to my guns” and stay consistent in letting him cry if he is pouting rather than rewarding him with a distraction or something else (e.g., keep asking what other food he wants or if he would like to do another activity). When I catch myself saying, “Do you want this? This? This?” I must stop! The home is a crucial, special place to train your children. Get all the whining, pouting, and fit testing out at home.

Consistent Training Yields Rewards

Every child and every parent is different, but there are some areas in which I am so grateful I took the time to train Samson. I trained him from his crawling days to not open and explore cabinets, and he never does. I trained him to know the street is a big “no, no.” Every time we go in the front yard to play, he points at the street and yells “No, no!” He has never one time gone into the street. However, it took weeks of consistent training for Samson to come when I called—often five training sessions in a row each time I asked him to come inside. I frequently wished I could just swipe him in. I am bigger than he is. It would take two seconds instead of becoming a five-minute battle. But I knew if I could train him at home, he would come in dangerous public places as well. Now he usually comes immediately. If he doesn’t, there are immediate consequences. Other war zones include climbing up the stairs or throwing food from his high chair to our dog. These were long, hard battles! Sometimes we took breaks, but we never stopped training. The earliest training was training him be still when I changed his diaper. It was then easier to train him to be still for other things: when standing to put on his jacket (instead of running away or pulling away) or when he has a band-aid applied. At restaurants we don’t have to move every object away from him; we train him not to touch. This is heaven because now he points at food he wants, waiting for permission, whether it’s food on our home table, the park bench, or the grandparent’s coffee table.

No Means No

I have really tried to follow up with consequences if I say “no” the first time and Samson disregards it. I do not repeat it or speak louder or threaten. The benefit: he listens the first time I say “no” and it is no surprise to him if he is trained for disobedience. This is so helpful in new places where there are a lot of foreign “no” objects or areas. I can ask him to stay on the carpet or not touch a TV remote, and he listens because he has had mounds of “no” training at home. Yes, he will throw fits sometimes, but usually he will obey, even if he is protesting. Of course, sometimes toddlers are just overtired, hungry, or sick. That’s when you pray to the Lord for wisdom as you decide whether to make something a big deal or move on.

Good Behavior Starts a Good Cycle

If you want a sweet child, train your toddler. Be consistent and keep a long-term perspective.

Several of my friends and I were laughing over the table the other day when we started talking about obedient, well-behaved children. “What parents don’t realize,” said one former nanny, “is that they are setting their children up for social success when they take the time to train them. If we friends/family/strangers see a well-behaved child, we publicly applaud the child, which reinforces the good behavior the parents have instilled.” The cycle grows stronger and stronger: good behavior reinforced by compliments everywhere you go. Well-behaved, well-mannered children are not only liked, but they will also easily win friends as they grow older because they know the universe does not revolve around them. Have you ever met a selfish 18-year-old who has grown up without restraints? Trained children will grow up to be well-adjusted, mature adults who will succeed in life because they were trained not be selfish, willful creatures. Samson is my little buddy all day long. We laugh, read books, swim, run, wrestle, and explore together. These are sweet, fleeting years, and training him makes them sweeter. If you want a sweet child, train your toddler. Be consistent and keep a long-term perspective.

Leaving and Cleaving

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:06:15 +0000

Mother-in-Law

Dear Pearls, I have struggled to have a relationship with my mother-in-law since I met her. She tends to be manipulative, unkind, and judgmental. On many occasions, she has told me who I am not and what I should be, that I am undeserving of her son, and how I am not a good wife. She also tells my husband the same things about me in an attempt to pit him against me. My husband is a strong man and does not tolerate that from her, but he does see it as my duty to create and maintain a friendship with her regardless of her treatment of me. I feel that if she wants to have a real friendship, she should make the effort to treat me kindly. I want to respect my husband and be able to show love and compassion to his mom, but I also do not want to be abused by her. It is hard to believe the one thing in my marriage that brings me sadness is my mother-in-law. What are your thoughts?

Michael Answers:

What are my thoughts? I am thinking, “What a wimp!” No one should be abused, but some people just ask for it. You are asking to be treated with contempt because you do not stand tall with dignity. You cower and ask your husband to defend you. If he does take action to defend you, she will just express more contempt for your pitiful weakness. As I was reading your comments, I was thinking a woman who would treat another human being with contempt could do so only from a heart that is dark and troubled. My advice to you is determine to stand up to her tongue and put out the fire with kind, loving rejection and disregard for her ugliness. Treat her as an unruly child who needs a firm hand—firm, but not hard. She must feel her littleness in the shadow of your strength. It will be quite appropriate for you to calmly tell her, “You have personal issues that you need to deal with, and I would appreciate it if you would not come into my house with a critical spirit.” Say to her, “I am a great wife and your son is lucky to have me.” When she says you are not what you should be, tell her, “Maybe not, but I do not have a critical spirit as do you, and God is helping me do better; let’s pray and ask him to help you not be so critical and mean-spirited.” Remember to pray for her daily. Ask God to humble her, and ask him to give you the courage to not be offended by her littleness. When you can smile with pity at her criticisms, she loses her power and her words will no longer matter to you. Only then will you be able to minister to her needs. In my new book, Created to Need a Help Meet, I have a whole chapter on this subject. Your husband needs to read it.

Leave and Cleave

Dear Mike and Debi, The love of my life and I got married about four months ago. We are happy as larks and are reaping the heavenly fruits of marriage. Life really cannot get any better. I love him so much, and I want to be everything I can for him. My world revolves around him and I want it to be that way. But it seems that others simply don’t understand my infatuation with him or think it is a good thing. I’m writing to ask you what is proper as far as leaving and cleaving. I don’t know if I am going overboard or not. When I married, I moved a few states away from my family. Although my parents are thrilled with my choice of a husband, the distance between us is very hard for them. If I don’t call, she feels like I don’t love them or miss them. She needs constant reassuring that I do miss them. It’s not that I don’t love or miss them, I do. I’m just very involved being a wife and, bottom line, that’s where my attention lies. I don’t have a pressing need to call my friends and family any more. My need is my husband. But is it wrong for me to “leave” so thoroughly? Should I be reassuring them with regular ties? Is there such a thing as cutting the apron strings too much? Totally in LOVE, Happy Wife

Dear Happy Wife,

Someday you will have a daughter and will invest the greater part of your adult life in raising her. You will be her entire life for about 20 years. You will be her best friend, meeting a need in her that is deep and abiding. This is the perspective from which your mother looks at you. Then one day, to make you even happier, she was delighted to give you away in marriage, but she didn’t really want to give you away; she just wanted to expand her family—her love circle—adding a son and lots of new babies. And then poof! You’re gone. Her best friend is gone. Her days were organized around you, and now they are empty. You belong to another. You look to someone else to have your needs fulfilled, but she hasn’t traded one close bond for another—she is just alone and empty. She wants to share your joy. She knows better, but that doesn’t change the way she feels. She weaned you once. Now you must wean her. Let her down easy. Give her time to organize her life around other people and other things. Tell her you will call on a certain day every week and talk for an hour. It will help her if you will occasionally call for advice on any issue. Let her know she is valued for her wisdom. In short, let her know she is significant to you. But at the same time, never allow the family you have left, come between you and your husband. You should indeed “leave and cleave.” Again, my new book, Created to NEED a Help Meet, deals with this subject from the man’s perspective.

What Does “Cleave” Mean?

Following is a little Bible study on the word cleave: Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Cleave is an interesting word in Hebrew. It is dabaq and is used 54 times. Thirty-two times it is translated “cleave” in the English; five times it is translated “follow hard,” meaning someone is running and the other person is pursuing them, very intent on catching them and is right behind them, will not slacken his pace, and is near to grabbing them, stays with them, won’t let the person out of his sight, following hard after them. It is translated “overtake” three times, connoting that the pursuer followed after until he came along beside the person. Then it is translated “stick” three times as in two things sticking together. It is translated “keep fast,” don’t turn it loose. Then it is translated “together” two times, “abide,” as in stay there, one time, then “close” one time, “enjoined” one time, “pursued” one time, then “take” one time. So if we take all these together, what could we sum them up as? Cleave unto your wife means stay close together, be inseparable. It means mingle, follow hard, stay very close by, keep fast, hold on to, don’t turn loose, be near to your woman. So God commanded that man was to leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife only. “That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him …” (Deuteronomy 30:20). That is that same Hebrew word dabaq. Just as we are commanded to cleave to God, God commands us to cleave to our wife. It’s a sacred and a holy thing, the same word used with both God and wife, equating our passion for our wife with our passion for God. --- The next two questions and answers are taken from Mike’s new book, Created to NEED a Help Meet.

Honor to Whom Honor Is Due

Dear Pearls, How do we set boundaries gently while maintaining relationship and honor with our parents? My mother-in-law redecorates my home to her liking, meddles in our finances, belittles my husband, telling him he’s foolish to spend money this way and that. My other stepmother throws fits when we aren’t “fair.” Both women want 100% loyalty and subjection from us. My mother examines the kids for bruises and marks, and uses the “examination” as a tool to threaten calling the DHS when things don’t go her way. Help us. A Reader

Michael Answers

Dear Lady, God tells you to submit to your husband but there is nothing in the Bible that remotely suggests you should submit to your mother-in-law, and you need not respect her any more than she respects you. When she tries to “decorate” your house, tell her you are happy with it the way it is and sweetly decline. When she insists, you insist. When she gets huffy, keep your dignity and quietly ask her to leave and not come back in your house until she is willing to respect your domain. How could she meddle in your finances unless you give her the reigns? Gently tell her in so many kind words that it is none of her business. As to your mother examining the kids for bruising, I do hope you are not bruising them; if you are then you are out of control and need to seek counsel. But if her threats are an attempt to intimidate you into surrendering to her will, tell her in no uncertain terms that her visiting privileges are terminated until further notice. If I had a parent or in-law that without provocation threatened to call child protection on me, I would move to a different state and not leave any forwarding address. Where are the men to allow a cantankerous old battle-ax to intimidate the family?

Mice or Men?

You won’t believe this one, but I print it because it is a common absurdity.

Dear Michael, I am thirty years old. I would like to know when, if ever, is the authority of the old parents no longer in force over an adult son, especially if the mother is not in authority to her husband? Although I am not married, I have been on my own for many years, and I am well established in my career and ministry. My mother is a divorcee, so I have provided for her over the years. My dad has not been a part of my life for many years. Mother can be very spiritually manipulative. I have met a young woman whom I believe would make an excellent wife and mother to my children. She is not only a good choice, but she has my heart, and I believe I have hers. Her family is wonderful. They would be all for our marriage. My mother, on the other hand, does not like the idea. A while back, my mother did pick out a wife for me. She was sure this was the girl God had for me to marry. I was willing to talk to the girl’s parents, although I was not in any way attracted to her. As it turned out, the girl was already asked for and soon married. Do I, as a grown man, submit to my mother, or should she, a woman without a head, submit to me? The Last Straw

Michael Answers

Should you submit to her or should she submit to you? Neither. There is one statement you made that I do question. You said you were a “grown man.”

Confessions of a Spanking Mom

Chastity Akiki — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:05:07 +0000

I am the mother of eight children and am regularly complimented on the behavior of my kids. Recently, I’ve thought a lot about this issue of spanking and how some people (the media, in particular) completely skew what it means to “train up a child.” “Mom, do you want me to take the baby?” “Dad, I made your coffee.” “Mom, I’ll get the younger kids’ lunch.” “Dad, we cleaned your car.” “Mom, I made you some lemonade.” All the above quotes are things I hear every day. My children are obedient. Yes, my children are spanked when needed. And no, my children are NOT abused. Rather, because they are lovingly corrected, they love to serve their father and me. It is a real blessing to us, and others always notice. I will never understand what makes a person harm or abuse a child. It is a sad reality that has been around for centuries. It is my opinion that when a parent doesn’t spank his child for wrong behavior or attitudes, he is loving himself more than his child. I don’t like spanking my kids. I’d much prefer to play, smile, and have fun, but I’ve found when I allow a bad attitude, ugliness toward a sibling, or disobedience of any kind to continue, the behavior only gets worse. A spanking administered correctly brings relief to a child. I never cease to marvel at this reality. Nevertheless, I am tempted, as any parent, I’m sure, to skip the spanking in hopes that a verbal rebuke will suffice. While sometimes this might be enough (or an alternative such as loss of privileges), often it is not. I’ll show you what I mean. I have several boys, and occasionally an older brother entertains himself at a younger sibling’s expense. I call that bullying. I find myself saying, “Stop that. You know better.” or “You wouldn’t want someone to do that to you.” Recently, one of my boys was having a particularly good time teasing his younger brothers. I remember thinking, even saying, “I need to spank him soon.” Instead, I said, “Be nice” or something similar. After several days of this, I finally did what I knew I should have done sooner, all the while shaking my head at my unwillingness to inconvenience myself. Spanking is not fun for me. But that spanking instantly resulted in sweet relief for all concerned. My bully son was suddenly thoughtful, playing with his younger brothers instead of mistreating them. He was helpful to me, serving me and his siblings. It was as if his guilty conscience was saying, “Thank you for finally spanking me. I feel better now.” On his own, he just couldn’t stop being mean to his little brothers, and it left him unhappy with himself. The spanking gave him the extra motivation he needed to act as he knew he ought, and it resulted in him liking himself better. This same scenario plays out over and over in my home, and it always makes me smile. They get off track and I lovingly guide them back on.

On his own, he just couldn’t stop being mean to his little brothers, and it left him unhappy with himself.

I know that some who are opposed to spanking would say our kids obey because they are afraid of the rod or afraid of their parents. To that I say, yes and no. They are not afraid of us in the way you suppose. They do not cower in fear, worried their transgressions will bring them severe pain, just as I do not cower and tremble when I see a police officer on the side of the road. I do, however, have a certain amount of “fear,” which I would equate to respect for that officer, remembering the “pain” of previous speeding tickets. Thus, I maintain my speed within the posted limits. Likewise, my kids are constrained to stay within our limits. But it doesn’t stop there; they genuinely want to please us. And I so enjoy a glass of lemonade! On the flip side, when I don’t spank and instead attempt to talk them out of a misdeed, they are grumpy and almost mad or unhappy with me! A strange phenomenon indeed. So while I don’t enjoy giving spankings, I will continue to do it because I heartily enjoy the results it yields. “But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble” (Psalm 37:39).

The Happy Child

Jennifer Brooks — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:03:07 +0000

The happiest child I know happens to have Downs Syndrome. He hasn’t a care in the world, or one that lasts longer than two minutes. Every night he goes to sleep with no bitter or angry feelings. His soul is at peace with everyone. His mind is fresh and new each day. No resentment ever takes hold. He is totally amused, fascinated and entranced in the simplest things of life: A shadow, a string. His mind is not complicated with troubles in life. Where to go, what to do, who to like or dislike. He trusts all men, smiles at every person, forgives all with uninhibited release. He goes about life slowly somewhat in his own world with a smile, a hug, a pat on the back. He looks at me and smiles as he says, “I love you”, “thank you”, “why can’t you be as happy as me?” Because my mind is strong, my IQ high, I’m in this world, mixed up in this world loaded down with the cares of the world. Struggling through the miry clay. Too many things to think about and decide. Why can’t you be simple just this once and clear your mind of all else and believe in a Man who cares for you, a Savior who loves you, Jesus who died for you. Jesus the ultimate Joy unspeakable. “Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:” (1 Peter 1:8). “Therefore the redeemed of the LORD shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away” (Isaiah 51:11).

Come to the Waters

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:00:56 +0000

I cannot take credit for it, and I am not bragging except on God, but I am just blessed beyond measure by the beauty I see in the families around me. Again this past Sunday as the church met to worship and fellowship, I observed fifteen or twenty happy families with children of all ages full of smiles and good cheer. Over half of them are not indigenous to this area. Some have been here less than a year. There were teenagers of marriageable age and tots in totes, balding daddies sitting beside mothers nursing their seventh child, old folks leaning forward trying to hear, and lean boys raring to get out in the cow pasture and throw a football. Not but one fat kid was in the crowd, no one in the building was on Ritalin or Prozac, and we’ve seen not one divorce in the 25 years we have been meeting together. It doesn’t get any better, except in heaven. Now, people who don’t know us will think we are some kind of cult that constantly meets together to affirm our rigid lifestyle. Not so; it is rare that I see any of them other than on Sunday. We don’t hang out together. The women do not visit from house to house “fellowshipping.” The men do not have “brothers” meetings to “encourage” one another. Each family is its own paradise, drinking from the fountain of life individually. Fathers are the heads of their families and mothers honor their husbands. Older children are fascinated with their young brothers and sisters and function as second parents, taking responsibility to pass on the love and good will. This phenomenon is not unique to rural Tennessee. I have traveled to distant places and met with homeschool families, often visiting in their homes. I spend time with young people in relaxed settings doing whatever it is they do from day to day. I see kids all across America that are a righteous remnant of godliness and virtue. I have been at this long enough to observe couples coming together in holy matrimony, watch as their families expand to fill a fifteen passenger van—or maybe just a minivan—and see their children get married and commence their families, all drinking at the same heavenly fountain. “Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation” (Isaiah 12:3). The most distinguishing mark is their bright eyes and satisfied countenance. Their souls are pure and honest. They are not angry or suspicious. They know they are loved and valued. They are not frustrated or anxious. None are looking to catch a ride to a better place, just waiting to get old enough to get away from their parents. I know this sounds cheesy, but it is time to “Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy” (Psalm 107:2). Jesus said we would have life more abundantly (John 10:10), and we do indeed, just as he promised. In a world of pain and hostility, of bitterness and selfishness, we are reaping the fruit of a life guided by the Holy Spirit of God. If Jesus didn’t deliver on his abundant life, why would we devote so much money and time to spreading the good news of his death, burial, and resurrection… and soon coming kingdom? I have to admit that I am surprised at the delightful fruit I see across the board in the homeschool movement. It just gets better. No Greater Joy has several hundred thousand ardent supporters, and we receive many letters from troubled parents. It is easy to begin to interpret the public in terms of the sad stories we must address. And of course Jesus left the ninety and nine sheep to go after the one lost sheep. We do likewise, but it is so sweet to visit with the ninety and nine.

“Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation” (Isaiah 12:3).

I am reluctant to celebrate the joy, for I know there are many who are not living the abundant life. You are hurting and crying for help, and you may feel as if you are being left behind. Don’t come running to Cane Creek, thinking that a different fish bowl will cure your ills. There is no magic community that can heal a family. The family, like a palm tree, grows from within. “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart” (Psalm 37:4). That passage is not a glib dismissal; it is the true path to abundant life. When you seek God with all your heart, he will change your heart to conform to his, and you will live the abundant life many of us continually enjoy. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).

Don’t Give Up on the Prodigal

Michael Pearl — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:21:48 +0000

The promise is clear: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And the promise is certain. But I know many of you have older children who have departed from the way you intended them to go. You have questioned, “Is the promise really true, or is it like divine healing—rare and only available to those who have great faith?” Or you may question yourself, “Where did I go wrong? I took them to church and provided a godly example, but an evil outside influence slithered in and stole away my child’s virtue and integrity. How could I have foreseen the threat and stopped it?” Then again, you may be of the sad number whose child descended into a state of rebellion and turned on you, accusing you of hypocrisy, and screaming, “If you are a Christian, I don’t want to be one.” This is not going to be another article where I rebuke you for your hypocrisy. I have done that enough, and it is too late to undo the damage done to the wayward prodigal. But I do want to encourage you to not quit; don’t give up on the errant one. Sometimes getting out from under parents’ roof is the path to repentance. It doesn’t take long for 20-year-olds to discover that the world is full of hypocrisy and darkness—worse than what they found at home. “As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him” (Amos 5:19). There were good times at home, and in times of loneliness and need he will remember them. Just like you, he will have doubts about himself and wonder if he made the right choice. He will mature and learn that humanity is indeed frail and that “every man at his best state is altogether vanity” (Psalm 39:5). Life will force him to discover his own weaknesses and hypocrisy. He will fail to live up to his purist’s values and judge himself to be no better than you. If he did indeed have a time in his youth when he respected his parents and honored their God, a time when life was sweet and carefree, he will look back with fondness and decry his loss. In his pain he will go back in his memory and wish for those days again. In his mind, the good memories will conflict with his more recent memories of your constant criticism and dissatisfaction. The lack of fulfillment he experienced in the home after he got to be a “problem child” will overshadow everything for a while, but when he “begins to be in want” (Luke 15:14) and seeks help from his friends, and they send him “into the field to feed swine,” and no one loves him like Mama did when he was young, he will come to himself, swallow his pride, and come home—not to stay, but to be loved and appreciated, to be with people who care. Now you will play a part in his recovery. First I am going to tell you how to guarantee that he not only keeps feeding the swine but eats with them and eventually lies down to stay with them. It is the easiest thing you could ever do. It is all about attitude. Just make sure that in any contact you have with him, let him know how wrong he is and indicate you think he is shiftless and worthless. Or better still, point out how he has embarrassed the family and let him see that you are ashamed of him. It will help if when he comes to visit, his hair is purple and orange and he has lots of piercings and tattoos. Look thoroughly disgusted and offended. If he brings a girlfriend home, one that looks like she is a nine-time reject, be sure to treat her with disdain and contempt. Ignoring her will really make him hot. That first visit home will be his attempt to prove to himself and his girlfriend that his parents are not worth the time. Deep inside there is a desire to be loved and accepted by his family, but his pride motivates him to throw his sin in your face as a test of that love. It will be easy to get rid of him once for all. Just be what you were before he left. You say you have changed? I can offer you indicators of how you will in fact respond when he shows up. If you have been humbled by your loss of a child to the world, and you accept the blame and you no longer have critical feelings toward him but rather a heart that is broken and longing to be restored, you will indeed motivate him to repent and reunite with the family. But if there is bitterness in your heart and the feeling that he has hurt you and the family, you will drive the wedge much deeper and send him back to the swine to feed. If you, like Jesus looking over wayward Jerusalem, weep for your lost child, your tears can wash away his pride and rebellion, but if you, like Satan, are an accuser of the brethren, you will dump a pile on him that will keep him underground until you are old and grey and he drops by unexpectedly to see Mama one last time before she dies. There is hope, but that hope must be in your heart if it is going to become a reality. If you daily pray for your prodigal you cannot daily despise him. You may get just one chance to turn him around, and he will see that opportunity in your eyes and hear it in your tone. Get your heart right today and your words will be right the next time you face your prodigal. “…for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things” (Matthew 12:34–35). When you pray your heart treasures up good things. You will need a heart full of good thoughts when the prodigal comes down the dusty road dragging his baggage. “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8). Remember the prodigal’s father in Luke 15; he was looking for his son and saw him when he was yet a great way off. Running down the road to receive him with open arms, he commanded the servants to bring the best robe and shoes and a ring for the finger of his returning son. The father killed the special fatted calf and invited all the neighbors to a coming home party where they would share his joy at the returned prodigal. Go, and do thou likewise.

Be Careful Little Feet Where You Go

Debi Pearl — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 13:02:20 +0000

My friend Aaron told me that when he was about four years old his old grandpa offered him a taste of beer. His very conservative parents would have been horrified if they had known about it. Aaron said that one sip of beer made a permanent impression upon him. From that point on he knew that “Beer is yucky.” I had another friend who said that when he was about six years old his teenage cousin offered him a drag off his cigarette. The poor little boy spent the rest of the afternoon puking while his mean cousin laughed. The misery of a sick stomach and the mockery forever destroyed any mysterious appeal of smoking. It is interesting that it takes a lot of practice to learn to appreciate something as repulsive as smoking or the taste of beer, but when it finally takes root it quickly becomes a very compelling habit. In a natural sense, the young child doesn’t like either. It takes an effort to dull and kill the natural sense of taste and smell in order to want to indulge. I saw a classic example of this while on vacation. It was sin at the end of life’s road. While we were on vacation down at the coast we kept seeing an advertisement that read, “Best seafood bar ever for only $21.95.” Now that is a lot of money just to eat, but we only go on vacation occasionally and never get fresh seafood. We decided to try it out. Since we have four children we figured, or at least hoped, that like all good restaurants, this one would offer “free eats” for very young children and maybe half-price meals for the others. Even with a price break for the children it would still be an expensive meal, but a real treat. I guess I was thinking about all this when I read the advertisement because I didn’t notice that the restaurant was in a casino. Since we had already driven across the city to find this place, we decided to go ahead with our plans. Even though it was early in the day, which I thought would be before the normal hours of casino activities, I knew I needed to do a thorough job of explaining the evils of a casino to my children. So before entering I explained in great detail how people go to casinos thinking they are going to win free money but in the end they always lose money. It was really just paying to play some stupid games. I told them the casino business set up the machines so that everyone wins occasionally, which is just to keep them playing, but at the end of the day the machine has most of their money. I explained that wise people never indulge in such foolishness. All these things I had heard, although I had never actually been in a gambling establishment myself. This was going to be a learning event for all of us. What a surprise we had coming! We walked up the steps and entered the magnificent building. As the huge double-doors opened we could hear the clanging of the winner’s bell. The interior was dim, and at first all we could detect was a smoky atmosphere. And then there was the odor. As a rule children have very acute senses, so I knew my four children must be reeling. The odor was old, nasty, and certainly not conducive to paying $21.95 to eat. “But maybe the restaurant is isolated from all this,” I thought. As our eyes adjusted, we were able to see two long lines of slot machines on either side of the long walk we must take to reach the steps leading up to where the sign indicated we would find the restaurant. The sight before us was both horrifying and fascinating. We all stared at the decrepit people sitting hunched over each slot machine. It looked like some kind of a freak show. My first thought was of a Mad Magazine I saw as a kid. Every player had the appearance of having died and fossilized while sitting in front of the machine. Most were old, hard, whorish-looking women dressed in what they must have thought was sexy clothes, their thin orange hair making a fuzzy halo around their heads. I noticed a cigarette hanging from each of their thin, red, painted lips. Yikes! Was I in a nightmare? If I was, please someone wake me up! But it was real. There was little movement only for a brief moment when they pulled the lever down. As I stood watching I identified the odor. It was old flesh, diapers damp with pee, stale smoke, and hacking coughs bringing up cancerous smells. Surely this was just one step from hell. We, as a family, rushed the 100 feet through the row of slot machines. I figured the kids were holding their breaths, because I sure was. We raced up the steps, then stopped, totally dismayed. Before us was another long line of slot machines, each occupied with more dreadful figures, each momentarily coming alive, like they were using their last ounce of life, to yank the arm down. The awful odor was now mixed with the smell of cooking fish. Thankfully, through the smoky gloom we could see the lights of the restaurant. We rushed past the animated corpses as if there was salvation in the restaurant. The waiter looked discomforted to see the children. With his nose in the air he informed us there would be NO discount for children in this eating establishment. His words squeaked like an open gate, releasing us from our misguided intentions. We turned as one and almost ran down the first corridor of hell, down the steps, and then with our eyes focused on the double doors we fled to the light beyond. Once in the clean air and bright sunlight, we exhaled from our lungs the fumes of death and sucked in fresh air. Finally, breathing normally, we stood looking at each other in relief. We had escaped. My 8-year-old daughter spoke for us all: “Man, I would rather eat junk off the sidewalk than eat in that gross dungeon.” The whole visit was an exercise in the degradation of mankind. The people sitting there no longer noticed the foul odor; they had become accustomed to their eyes burning from the thick cloud of smoke, and their souls had long since lost consciousness of the ugliness around them. To the lost souls, sitting at the slot machines was thrilling; the possibility of winning gave them a fix I will never understand. Sin, time, and conditioning had stolen their dignity, had dulled their senses, and would soon take their souls. I will never need to caution my children against gambling or entering places of ill repute. One visit through the doors of hell had steeled their souls to hate that sort of degradation forever. God in his mercy helps me as I seek Him to raise my family to honor Him. We all learned a lesson that day: “Be careful, little feet, where you go.” —Debi Pearl, as told by Nathan Pearl

The Flower House

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 13:01:03 +0000

When I was a little girl, my sister and I played house all day, every day. We would build our play pretend houses everywhere we went. I remember days when Dad would come from work and stop in shock at the mess Shoshanna and I had made in the sunroom. We would take every book, chair, cushion, cardboard, or blanket that Mom would let us use and build ourselves a fancy home. One time we found a pile of old flowers the graveyard keeper had tossed over the fence onto our farm. In great excitement, we took them to our yard and stuck them into the ground to create flower walls for our house. We thought it was so wonderful. We ran to find Dad and Mom so they could come and see our wonderful new house. With great pleasure and pride we showed it off. Like the fine parents they are, they smiled and sat at a makeshift table in our magnificent flower kitchen room and pretended to eat with us. I look back to my childhood and realize that when my parents saw the plastic flowers all over the front lawn they must have been thinking, “Oh, no! What a mess!” But as a child I never had a clue that our flower playhouse was anything but beautiful. Their smart little girls only filled their hearts with gladness. The first year of my marriage I lived in a magical world of making a real house become a special home. A pleasure and pride very akin to what I knew as a child daily filled my heart. When Dad and Mom came over to visit, I fed them real food at a real table, and it was so much fun. Last night my good husband brought home some short pieces of wood from his job. My two little girls found it, and right now, as I am writing this, both are outside gleefully making a new playhouse with the small pieces of wood and some fake flowers left over from a party. When they are finished making their playhouse, like my mother before me, I will go out and sit with them in their kitchen and pretend to eat dirt cake. And someday, when my daughters are married, with the same pride that they once fed me dirt cake they will feed me fine foods at their real table. They will, as I have done, reflect back to the glorious days of their childhood, remembering that Mama took time to play pretend with them. —Shalom (Pearl) Brand

Training for Honesty

Kim Doebler — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 11:15:46 +0000

Explain how lies often multiply. A great way to illustrate how lies multiply is to pull out a beautiful, perfect-looking apple and see if anyone wants it. While handing the apple to the blessed recipient, turn it to expose a mushy, brown side. When the proper “Yuck!” response is received, explain that lies make us yucky like that apple. From a distance people may not see our lies, but as they get closer they will see how “yucky” our lies make us. Show how the apple got so disgusting. It started out with one small lie from a child saying he didn’t sneak a treat (hit the apple with something blunt). A small bruise is formed, but not too ugly. A child may get away with one small lie without anyone noticing, but lies often multiply. Suddenly, when a candy wrapper is found suspiciously on the floor by where he had been sitting, another lie is required to cover up the first one. (Hit the apple again.) The apple looks less appealing. Next a request is made to smell his breath and it is determined it smells a lot like chocolate; now a bigger lie must be produced to maintain the initial lie. (Hit the apple hard.) Now, it is obvious that the child is lying, just like it is obvious the apple is not edible. Moral: Lying is yucky. Taken from ESP Character Training by Kim S. Doebler.