No Greater Joy Ministries » Singles

Don’t Give Up on the Prodigal

Michael Pearl — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:21:48 +0000

The promise is clear: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And the promise is certain. But I know many of you have older children who have departed from the way you intended them to go. You have questioned, “Is the promise really true, or is it like divine healing—rare and only available to those who have great faith?” Or you may question yourself, “Where did I go wrong? I took them to church and provided a godly example, but an evil outside influence slithered in and stole away my child’s virtue and integrity. How could I have foreseen the threat and stopped it?” Then again, you may be of the sad number whose child descended into a state of rebellion and turned on you, accusing you of hypocrisy, and screaming, “If you are a Christian, I don’t want to be one.” This is not going to be another article where I rebuke you for your hypocrisy. I have done that enough, and it is too late to undo the damage done to the wayward prodigal. But I do want to encourage you to not quit; don’t give up on the errant one. Sometimes getting out from under parents’ roof is the path to repentance. It doesn’t take long for 20-year-olds to discover that the world is full of hypocrisy and darkness—worse than what they found at home. “As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him” (Amos 5:19). There were good times at home, and in times of loneliness and need he will remember them. Just like you, he will have doubts about himself and wonder if he made the right choice. He will mature and learn that humanity is indeed frail and that “every man at his best state is altogether vanity” (Psalm 39:5). Life will force him to discover his own weaknesses and hypocrisy. He will fail to live up to his purist’s values and judge himself to be no better than you. If he did indeed have a time in his youth when he respected his parents and honored their God, a time when life was sweet and carefree, he will look back with fondness and decry his loss. In his pain he will go back in his memory and wish for those days again. In his mind, the good memories will conflict with his more recent memories of your constant criticism and dissatisfaction. The lack of fulfillment he experienced in the home after he got to be a “problem child” will overshadow everything for a while, but when he “begins to be in want” (Luke 15:14) and seeks help from his friends, and they send him “into the field to feed swine,” and no one loves him like Mama did when he was young, he will come to himself, swallow his pride, and come home—not to stay, but to be loved and appreciated, to be with people who care. Now you will play a part in his recovery. First I am going to tell you how to guarantee that he not only keeps feeding the swine but eats with them and eventually lies down to stay with them. It is the easiest thing you could ever do. It is all about attitude. Just make sure that in any contact you have with him, let him know how wrong he is and indicate you think he is shiftless and worthless. Or better still, point out how he has embarrassed the family and let him see that you are ashamed of him. It will help if when he comes to visit, his hair is purple and orange and he has lots of piercings and tattoos. Look thoroughly disgusted and offended. If he brings a girlfriend home, one that looks like she is a nine-time reject, be sure to treat her with disdain and contempt. Ignoring her will really make him hot. That first visit home will be his attempt to prove to himself and his girlfriend that his parents are not worth the time. Deep inside there is a desire to be loved and accepted by his family, but his pride motivates him to throw his sin in your face as a test of that love. It will be easy to get rid of him once for all. Just be what you were before he left. You say you have changed? I can offer you indicators of how you will in fact respond when he shows up. If you have been humbled by your loss of a child to the world, and you accept the blame and you no longer have critical feelings toward him but rather a heart that is broken and longing to be restored, you will indeed motivate him to repent and reunite with the family. But if there is bitterness in your heart and the feeling that he has hurt you and the family, you will drive the wedge much deeper and send him back to the swine to feed. If you, like Jesus looking over wayward Jerusalem, weep for your lost child, your tears can wash away his pride and rebellion, but if you, like Satan, are an accuser of the brethren, you will dump a pile on him that will keep him underground until you are old and grey and he drops by unexpectedly to see Mama one last time before she dies. There is hope, but that hope must be in your heart if it is going to become a reality. If you daily pray for your prodigal you cannot daily despise him. You may get just one chance to turn him around, and he will see that opportunity in your eyes and hear it in your tone. Get your heart right today and your words will be right the next time you face your prodigal. “…for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things” (Matthew 12:34–35). When you pray your heart treasures up good things. You will need a heart full of good thoughts when the prodigal comes down the dusty road dragging his baggage. “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8). Remember the prodigal’s father in Luke 15; he was looking for his son and saw him when he was yet a great way off. Running down the road to receive him with open arms, he commanded the servants to bring the best robe and shoes and a ring for the finger of his returning son. The father killed the special fatted calf and invited all the neighbors to a coming home party where they would share his joy at the returned prodigal. Go, and do thou likewise.

Homeschool to Blackhawk

Marc Cohen — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 12:15:08 +0000

As I sat at my desk struggling with Saxon algebra ½, wondering what a dangling participle was and fearing the “new” homeschool diet my mom was about to test on us, I certainly didn’t think that a few years later I’d be sitting in an $8 million aircraft learning how to avoid radar- guided missiles. Since most of my friends were homeschooled and didn’t know a fist bump from a frat party, I wasn’t too focused on spending the next four years of my life in the halls of higher learning. But things seemed to change after I finished that stage after high school, where a boy likes to jump off tall things and break bones. Did I really need a degree to start a career? Did McDonald’s really have a retirement package? For those of you who aren’t content with a cubicle or helping your mom knit doilies on your 25th birthday, I may be able to help. I had a desire. I loved flying and everything related to it. God blessed me with parents who drove me to the ends of the earth so I could get that hour in the rusty old airplane or go to that pancake fly-in and meet a “real” pilot. If God’s given you a natural talent for something and a passion to do it, maybe that’s His cue. It’s not always a thundering voice from heaven. I didn’t really know exactly what I wanted to do, but I knew I needed to work hard to get it. I couldn’t rely on an $80,000 piece of paper from the state university telling others I was good at basket weaving. So instead of that, after high school I got a lot of life experience that definitely helped me get to where I am now. I worked many different jobs; I went into the woods for weeks, went on long hikes and figured out where my breaking point was. That’s not something a tenured professor can transfer into your soul. I did everything from teaching flying and delivering boxes for UPS to driving the Amish to market. It wasn’t glorious, but it was valuable, and I had a résumé. I had more than two letters behind my name. So when I looked into flying helicopters for the Army, the “undergraduate degree” required to become an officer didn’t daunt me too much. Only a handful of people are selected, and pilots make up about 0.2% of the entire Army. When it came time for my interview with a colonel and a few majors, I heard it could take up to an hour to impress them. Mine lasted about four minutes. They said they were tired of seeing unemployed history majors with nothing to offer and were always looking for people with real life experience. And it only got easier after that. I finished at the top of my class in boot camp and was an honor graduate in primary flight training and the Blackhawk course. Yes, the vast majority of pilots have degrees, but they also have $60,000 of unpaid student loans and nowhere jobs in their field. I had a passion to fly and to serve our country and a degree didn’t stand in my way. Now, with so many alternatives to traditional college it almost seems pointless to lock yourself into four years of classes you don’t really need, with people who won’t help your career at all. Granted, there are many fields that require a four-plus year degree, but most can be done online or with distance programs that build a degree for you. Distance learning and real life experience are where it’s at. God gives us the dream and desire, but we have to be the owner, coach and cheerleader to get it done. If you haven’t finished high school yet, or you’re in those awkward few years after and you just don’t know what to do, do anything that pushes you to the limit. You have stiff competition with the masses of scholared folk these days, and, as for me, I never regretted taking the jump off the edge. Marc Cohen is the youngest son of Mel and Pat Cohen. Mel serves No Greater Joy as the General Manager.

Poor Miss Loveless & Her Sister

Debi Pearl — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 11:15:41 +0000

Question:

Dear Mrs. Debi, I love your new book, Preparing to Be a Help Meet. I was deeply affected by the phrase, “I can think of nothing I want more than someone to truly love me.” I am a 27-year-old homeschooled girl. My older sister and I have no reason to believe marriage is in sight. Mom is a wonderful person, but still believes it is her total responsibility to guide and protect us as if we were still children. This might be fine and good, but the years have passed and Mom is so much in our faces and controlling toward the few Possibilities that have come our way that if things continue status quo I suspect we will remain old maids. Mom doesn’t see this as bad. “After all,” she says, “it is better to remain a vessel for God than to marry an unrighteous man.” That is easy for her to say. Mom’s spiritual talk is her way of reminding us what a loser Dad is. Dad is a long way from being the Apostle Paul, but then Mom is no ministering angel toward him. That is another subject and their problem…unless mine and my sister’s loveless and childless fate is perpetuated by their sin. My question is this: What can we do? Are we really rebellious when we want to be adults making our own decisions? Can a saved parent hold a grown child back from having a life that God would freely give? What does the Bible say? If we are free, then how do we find these Possibilities? Or have them find us? ~Just call me Miss Loveless

Answer:

Dear Miss Loveless and her Loveless Sister, What a sad state you find yourself in. Maybe a little Bible information will shed some light on your plight. God clearly reveals the age when one becomes an autonomous adult. Is this the age of accountability? It is far more than that. The phrase “twenty years old and upward” appears 132 times in the Scripture. God gives twenty years old as being the beginning of a man’s independent responsibilities toward Him in worship: Exodus 30:14, “Every one that passeth among them that are numbered, from twenty years old and above, shall give an offering unto the LORD.” The twenty-year-old was no longer covered by his family’s sacrifice. In Numbers chapters 1–3, God says many times, “number the names of every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war:” It is most significant that when a man reached the age of twenty, he was counted as an independent family separate from his father. Number 1:18 says, “And they assembled all the congregation together on the first day of the second month, and they declared their pedigrees after their families, by house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty-years-old and upward by their polls.” You will note all these Old Testament passages refer to a man’s age, not a female’s. Some will argue that females have no independent standing before God, that they must relate to God and society in subjection to a man—either their father or a husband. In the New Testament we find no such rigid cultural standards. God clarified this point through his dealings with Mary. The Holy Ghost approached Mary about becoming the mother of Jesus without going through either her parents or her betrothed husband. And she made her decision on her own. Furthermore, overly protective parents are handicapping their adult children spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Young adults need to be tested so they can gain wisdom. A parent’s instruction concerning life is not sufficient; there comes a time when we must stand alone before God in regard to the choices we make if we are to grow to maturity before God. Some will fail; some will be wounded; but that is life. It is God’s testing ground to prove who and what we are. When our adult children leave home and grow into wise sons and daughters of the living God, sacrificing their life for righteousness, it brings great glory to God. A cloistered adult kid is a glory only to a needy parent. You as a single woman, far past the age of twenty, will stand before God for your own decisions. (Of course, everyone living in the house should follow house rules.) How can you safeguard yourself against making unwise decisions? We all think we are wise, but it is so easy to be deceived. A wise daughter should continue to seek her parents’ counsel as well as the counsel of any and all wise people in her life, especially concerning the most important decision of your life. Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” Then Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.” But know that the final decisions are yours to live with. Now your second question: How can you meet Possibilities? You can ask your dad, an older brother, a man in the Church who walks upright and is happily wed, or your pastor to introduce you to young men who might need a wife. Men know what men are “up to” better than females, so it is wise to meet a “Possibility” through a man who regards your well-being as important. Even if your mom and dad were divorced, I would think your dad would be the first place to seek help. Dads naturally tend to be protective of their own flesh and blood, so even if he doesn’t live righteously, he will want your husband to be a good man. It is possible that your dad would soberly take on the task. Usually dads, even lost ones, are more emotionally-balanced than moms who often thrive on controlling in an invasive way. When I asked the local men their thoughts on approaching a parent concerning getting to know a girl for marriage, they agreed that having to approach a girl’s father would be scary, but having to deal with the older woman about her daughters would be humiliating. They all agreed that they would give up pursuing a good woman as a possible wife to avoid being under the scrutiny (authority) of the girl’s mom. Be ready for an emotional storm. Kindly let Mom know of your decision to act autonomously as a grown woman. Chances are she will see you choosing your dad over her and it will stir up an old personal hurt. She might tell some ugly stories, but in every bad marriage there are two sides, and both are usually greatly exaggerated. Refuse to listen, as she will regret the telling later. Be patient, wise, discerning, and reassuring toward her. Now, if Dad or another trusted man does help find you a husband, I want you to know this important detail. You are your mother’s daughter. She loves you and has given her life for you. Honor her. Give her space and let her be a part of your new family. Also, remember that she, as a woman in sourness toward her husband, is probably judgmental toward men in general, and thus a lingering spirit of criticism will most likely be an evil stronghold in your own life. Start now reading all the stories in the Old Testament of men God chose to use as his messengers. Learning how God loved and dealt with different people brings you to know the mind of God; this will renew your mind. There were Adam, Samson, David, Jonah, and Solomon. Become acquainted with these men of God. See their ups and downs. Read the story of the prophet Elijah who had a nervous breakdown; of Ezekiel who had strange visions, and laid on his side and ate dung while prophesying; Jeremiah the weeping prophet; and a crowd of other eccentric men God chose to honor as his special men. If you are really blessed you will marry one of the sons of Adam, and you will be judgmental toward him because he will be a jerk. But sweetie, so are you; only you will not see the beam in your own eye. Be sure to read Created to Be His Help Meet when you find yourself irritated with your man. Don’t let what happened to your mama happen to you and your daughters. If we are not ever vigilant, sin has a way of being passed down through the generations. It is a robber of love, joy, and peace—and marriages. In the end, a Possibility is just that: a Possibility. You will need to seek God’s will and have peace that this is the man you want to honor and obey all the days of your life, and the one you want to be the daddy to your children. It is a sobering thought. Once you are put to the test you might start agreeing with your mom and decide to stay single. But you need the opportunity to decide. God tells us his will in I Timothy 5:14: “I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” The Scripture also says, “There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34a). I would encourage you to pour your life into the ministry until such time God blesses you with a man. Read Preparing to Be a Help Meet. Some naysayers will point out that this verse says women, not girls. We already covered the age of an adult found in the Old Testament (20 years old). What does “younger” refer to? Twenty? Twenty-five? Thirty? Well, younger is definitely not older. Keep in mind that the best, safest and healthiest childbearing age is from twenty to thirty. May God’s blessing be on you and your sister, and may both of you soon have someone to truly love you. Friend, Debi

Preparing to Be a Help Meet—NEW BOOK!

Debi Pearl — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 12:10:01 +0000

Nearly every wife will confess that the first year or two of married life was…how shall I say it…a frustrating learning experience. Most girls spend plenty of time planning for their wedding, but make no preparation for the weeks and years to follow. Many wives are provoked to bitterness during the first year and never get over it. All this could so easily be avoided with simple instruction. It was with good reason God said let the aged women teach the younger. Trial and error is not the best teacher when it comes to marriage. It is much less painful to learn beforehand what God has to say about your role as a help meet to that special man God will bring into your life. It is the older women who have experienced the joys of a good marriage whom God has appointed to pass along his instructions. That is what I have done in this new book Preparing to Be a Help Meet. Preparing to Be a Help Meet contains six sweet love stories written by wives sharing their experiences about how God taught them to be the help meets they are today. Three of the stories are from wives that have been married over 40 years. Three stories are by new brides who, before marriage, were trained to be the help meet God intended. All the love stories are beautiful, and will show you how wonderful it is to walk together in God’s light. In addition to the six personal testimonies, this book is full of short stories from a wide range of cultural backgrounds. Funny tales, ideas of how to gain a good man’s attention, and even a tragic testimony all teach important lessons. You will meet “Grabbers” and “Hidden Flowers”, and discover how to avoid being either. The chapter on “Antsy Babes” will remind you why patience is so important. You will be warned as you read stories of how texting, emailing and other forms of cyberspace have destroyed many budding relationships and even marriages. An important part of this book is instruction on preparing for your future by saving money, developing skills, gathering information on cooking, health, and many other topics. Girls will see how one wise young woman planned her wedding God’s way. Along the way the reader will learn what to pack in her Heavenly Hope Chest. A shy girl—Hidden Flower—who has never had a man interested in her, will learn how to become visible to godly men. Brassy girls—Grabbers—will be shown a mirror so they will see how good men view pushy females. Impatient girls—Antsy Babes—will learn patience. Girls will be instructed on how young men seek out a wife and what they are looking for in a possible mate. They will discover what turns young men away and what causes a young man to consider a girl. In the last chapter, several men speak up to say what they really appreciate in their wives. And, of course, several single, wife-hunting males speak out here and there to give their opinion of what I have written. On a more sober note, the age-old question, “How do I know if this man is the will of God for me?” will be answered through Scripture, wisdom, and example. As I was finishing the manuscript, three young women read and evaluated Preparing to Be a Help Meet. They all said the book was captivating and that they would be better daughters and wives for having read it. Several married women who read the rough manuscript said of this new book that any lady that enjoyed Created to Be His Help Meet will LOVE Preparing to Be a Help Meet and they will learn as much from it as they did from Created. As the author, I believe the girl or married woman who reads Preparing to Be a Help Meet will close the book knowing that God answers prayer, that He wants to bless her and that marriage God’s way is indeed glorious. At the back of the book, my daughter Shalom Pearl Brand put together an extensive Teacher’s Guide. Shalom and Kristen Abart taught a girls’ Preparing to Be a Help Meet class last winter using the book’s draft as it was being written. Through the teaching of the Word the girls grew into righteous young women. Some of the girls said they just didn’t understand that God meant for them to start being a Proverbs 31 female NOW, training to be a help meet before becoming one. Shalom used the notes from her class to put together the Teacher’s Guide. It has ice breakers to get the girls laughing and talking, questions from the chapter they are studying, verses to look up to see what God requires, and challenges to obey God. Anyone with a heart to do so could use these step by step directions to teach a Help Meet class for singles or married ladies. Even a young man reading this book can come to better understand how girls think and how better to approach a girl for marriage. So if any of you young men are wondering how…read and see! Move over, Created…here comes Preparing to Be a Help Meet.

Update

The book Preparing to Be a Help Meet is available for purchase from our web store. You can also order the book from NGJ by calling our toll-free order line 1-866-292-9936 (M–F, 8 am–5 pm CST). In August 2010, we launched a new website where all of you married and unmarried women can discuss the book and ask questions. Visit the official Preparing to Be a Help Meet website and join in the conversation!

Links:: www.PreparingToBeAHelpMeet.com http://Shop.NoGreaterJoy.org/preparing-to-be-a-help-meet-book

What I Want in a Guy!

A Young Woman — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:15:28 +0000

These experiences have helped me figure out who I am today, and have been instrumental in showing me what I need in a husband. When I was 17, my cousins and friends, who are a few years older than I, all started getting married. So I naturally thought, “Well, I guess I should get married, too, because it seems to be the next step in life.” But the guy I would have married then and the guy I would marry now are two completely different types of men. I didn’t even know myself yet, much less what I should look for in a man. I think, as homeschoolers, we are raised with the idea that marriage is the next important step in the school of life. I believe that attitude limits a person. I want to do something significant with my life, including learning all I have a capacity to comprehend, all for the purpose of making an eternal difference. I encourage girls to think: What are your dreams, what do you want to do, what do you want to know? Get out and do something, whether it’s starting a business (which could include homemaking skills), or buying a piece of land. Go help out a missionary for six months. It will give you a whole new outlook on life and an appreciation for missionaries! It will grow you, give you more confidence, and help you figure out what you need in a husband. Every man is attracted to a woman who’s busy with abundant life, someone who is on the front side of making things happen. Years ago I was chatting with a married couple who are good friends of mine, and who know me well. They helped me to figure out what I, personally, needed in a man. I wrote a list that day of five things I most need in a man! 1. I know that I need a Strong Leader who’s not going to let me shove him around. I want someone who is going to stand up and be the man! 2. Yet I need someone who is Open-minded, who will listen to all my crazy theories about life! 3. He needs to be Passionate, so that whatever he does, he does it with a fire under his boots! 4. I want him to be Spontaneous, full of zeal about life, and not afraid to jump into an adventure. I am a very enthusiastic person, and I love to do things on the spur of the moment. I want to marry someone I can jump on board with! 5. And I must have a man who Loves and Honors God and is already actively serving the Lord and has a deep-seated vision for life.

What I Am Looking for in a Wife

A Young Man — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:10:11 +0000

What am I looking for in a Wife?

I want a girl who's interested in friendship first. I’ve run into three types of girls over the years—two of them make me chuckle, but with a hint of sorrow inside. The third class I’ve observed always makes me stop and think. And smile.

Just Say Hi But Don’t Be Ferocious

There are two types of young ladies, one at either end of the “girl spectrum.” The first is most prevalent in ultra conservative, homeschool settings. She ignores the existence of the guys around her, believing the lie that any interaction with a guy is either sinful or premature romantic involvement. That’s just wrong—God created both genders to edify and challenge each other! I would say to that girl, just get over yourself, and say hi! Then there’s the other extreme, the “ferocious females.” Now, I have to say that I appreciate energetic, engaging girls. What concerns me, however, is that with some of these young ladies, they display a sense of discontent with their singleness. “Need” is not attractive in a girl. When a girl already has an interesting life, she then has something to bring to the marriage.

Looking for Sarah

This brings us to the type of girl that is very appealing and attractive. I like it when a young lady I meet takes the time to both talk and listen, especially when God has given us similar passions in life. And I believe that mutual passion that has the power to keep us together for a lifetime. At least, I think so. Remember, I’m still single. Beyond that, my attention is always piqued when a girl is walking in the freedom of Christ. The most attractive women I’ve met are those who are satisfied where they are, yet are open for more of what God has for them. This is a freedom only God can give. But I’m looking for one more thing: confidence. A girl who has placed her confidence in Christ, who isn’t “afraid with any amazement” (1 Peter 3:6) but resembles Sarah—that’s a girl who will make any guy turn his head. Including this one. My happily married brother has wisely told me, “Find a girl who is willing to follow. But you must be willing to give up as much as you’ve asked her to give up.” That’s what Sarah and Abraham did. They followed God even when they didn’t understand what he wanted. Sarah trusted God despite Abraham’s deficiencies. Sarah wasn’t afraid. She was confident in God. Yeah, I’m keeping my eye out for Sarah.

Need a Spouse…ANYONE?

Debi Pearl — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:05:41 +0000

We have three sisters who live in our area. They are blessed to have a very wise and caring older brother. I know this to be so, because once in a while he will send word that one or all of his sisters are to show up at his church (an hour’s drive from their home) or to some social function. The girls once explained to me that when their brother gets to know Godly young men, he sets up scenarios for his sisters to meet these possible suitors. So far, none of the sisters (all under 20 years old) have found spouses, but no doubt they will, because their brother is looking out for them. About now, most of you are probably asking, “What about their dad? Shouldn’t that be his responsibility?” Maybe, maybe not, especially for the search part of it. Consider this: In this particular case, the brother is in the same age bracket as the potential suitors. He will get to know the guys in many situations, including when their guard is down. And, when it comes to arranging a meeting of the guys with the girls, he is not nearly as scary as Dad would be. The potential suitor would be more comfortable working through the brother to arrange a casual meeting with a sister than he would working with a dad who might make too much out of the young man’s agreement to meet one of his girls. Most young men would like some time to get to know the girls without being put through the wringer immediately and without making a commitment to the father before they are sure they even like the girl. Due to the current conservative, complicated courtship hoops through which young men are expected to jump in order to get a sweetie, many homeschooled young men are opting out. They are finding their spouses outside the “courtship pool,” leaving a lot of young girls unsought after and twiddling their thumbs at home, waiting for someone who is off fishing in easier waters. All three of our girls, Rebekah, Shalom, and Shoshanna, got to know their prospective spouses due to their brothers’ previous acquaintance with them. Gabe was always actively checking out guys. As he got to know the young men, he informed us of their potential. Most of them did not meet with his approval, and that pretty much settled it for us. Gabe might in passing say that this guy is lazy. Yuck…who wants a lazy son-in-law? Occasionally he would say, “I like that guy. He works hard and seems to have genuine love for God.” The unsuspecting fellow automatically got placed on our “potentials list.” When opportunity presented itself, I invited him to dinner and treated him real nice. Of course, most of the young men that we surveyed never knew what we were up to, but neither did they ever ask for one of our girls. Just think what they MISSED! Scores of young men asked for Shalom. She was gentle, cute, hard-working, and always cheerful, in addition to being the most compliant girl you have ever met. But before they ever made it to our door to talk to Daddy Mike, most of them were already discounted as possibilities. Gabe or Nathan had seen to that with their reports. Big brothers were watching out for their sisters, especially the sweet one. Of course, the sisters also tried to return the favor. They visited and got to know girls the brothers would mention. “She’s moody; strike her out. She’s lazy; zip. She talks bad about her daddy; boo on her. She’s cheerful; check her out.” Mike tried to help the boys by bringing girls in to visit or sending them off to meet girls, but his taste in females and our boys’ taste in females were never the same. Dad struck out as the matchmaker every time. I didn’t do much better, although I kept trying, bless my ever-loving heart. I guess the moral to this tale is—Brothers, do your duty! If you have older unmarried sisters…shame on you. Get out and meet some men who might be a proper match for your sisters. Invite them home, plan a big feed. Talk to your sisters. Talk PLAIN, bold and direct with them. Tell them what each guy likes and dislikes, his dreams and his ambitions, his taste in food and styles. Talk to your guy friends. Say something like this, “Hey, you looking for a bride? I got four sisters and would consider it a privilege for you to drop in and take your pick. My parents trust my judgment and I’m giving you high marks. Of course, my sisters are picky, and they have the last word, but I’ll throw in a good word for you with them, too. Now, the oldest sister is kinda bossy, but she always gives in after a little persuasion. She’s the smartest. So if you think you would enjoy a little challenge but get a good mate for the extra effort…she’s your gal. My next sister is not so cute, but she is the nicest of the bunch. Whoever gets her will do well, because she already makes a pile of money in her business. Then, maybe you like loud mouths. My third sister is for sure, but she can make everybody laugh. She is the life of the party. I have to admit, I like taking her with me when I travel because she gets to know everyone so easy. You’re kinda quiet, so she might be the best for you. My youngest sister is still too young for marriage, so just forget about her unless you want to go on her list of possible guys for when she gets a little older. If you’re interested in her, I can e-mail you in three or four years. So how about it…wanta check out the fam? I got four other guys coming Sunday for brunch, so you better hurry if you want the pick of the litter.” Perhaps you think I am a pretty bold old lady. You just might be right. Then again…maybe I’m a smart, bold old lady. But what I do know positively is that I have ended up with five good sons and daughter-in-laws and 15 grandkids with many more to come—no old maids or sons living at my home! Love, marriage and the baby carriage make life so sweet. Wise up, you brothers. A bunch of good sisters are sitting at home somewhere waiting…and waiting…and waiting.

Holy Matrimony

Michael Pearl — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 14:05:55 +0000

Origin of marriage

The marriage of one man to one woman is the oldest institution on earth, predating all religion and government, inaugurated in the Garden of Eden by the Creator himself. The incarnate son of the Creator, Jesus, said, “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain [two and no more] shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:4–6). The traditional view of marriage that has come down to us from antiquity is shared by peoples of every culture and language, and reflects quite well the Biblical definition of marriage as being only between a man and a woman. History, likewise, reveals that all governments and religions have assumed that marriage is an unalienable human mandate from God, thus pre-existing government, and that it is therefore beyond its jurisdiction. Legislators and rulers have seldom attempted to tamper with the private nature of this covenant between a man and a woman. Where legislation has been passed in regard to marriage, it has, with rare exception, been to protect the sanctity and independence of this fundamental human right. In fact, previous to the last fifty years or so, the march of history had tended toward increasing respect for the distinctive autonomy and sanctity of holy matrimony. As the collective states became more enlightened, they increasingly legislated against polygamy, incest, abandonment of children, and the patriarchal abuse of the female in marriage. The United States has demonstrated in its tax codes a vested interest in protecting the autonomous freedom of marriage. But an “invested interest” separated from the Biblical and traditional concept of a lifetime covenant between one man and one woman provides no protection at all to marriage as God has ordained it. And so it is that, until recently, the states have not attempted to offer a definition of marriage different from the traditional assumptions and practices.

Role of the State

Let’s be very clear: the established record of history has consistently indicated that the state does not create the right of marriage. As a part of its function, it acknowledges and protects certain rights, duties, and privileges of both the husband and the wife, as have been well-defined by the common practice of otherwise diverse cultures and religions. Historically, governments have guarded the sanctity of marriage more consistently than they have other unalienable rights, such as liberty, property, and freedom of association. Where the state has failed to protect the inherent nature of holy matrimony, by allowing polygamy or preventing mixed-race marriages, it was understood by all, and eventually was so demonstrated, to be the result of corruption and injustice in that state. The state, being secondary to the institution of marriage, has no jurisdiction to redefine the nature of marriage, as in so-called same-sex “marriage.” Even in ancient Greece, where homosexual activity was common, same-sex relationships were understood to be the aberration—equal to adultery—while heterosexual marriage was understood to be the norm. History has consistently demonstrated that there resides in our human nature an innate knowledge that marriage—for it to be true marriage—is altogether consistent with the Creator’s intent as revealed in the Bible.

History of holy matrimony

Most of my readers will agree that holy matrimony is not the product of the state, but few understand that it is likewise not the product of the church. For three hundred years after Christ, the church viewed marriage as primarily a private matter not requiring ecclesiastical or state sanction. It was understood that marriage predated both religion and the state, and did not look to either for its legitimacy. The early church devised liturgies to celebrate the Eucharist, Baptism and Confirmation, but no such liturgy was created for marriage. It was not important or required for a couple to have their nuptials blessed by the church. Men and women of responsible age could marry by mutual agreement in the presence of family and friends as witnesses. The first detailed account of a Christian wedding in the West dates from the 9th century, and it was identical to the old nuptial service of Ancient Rome—looking to neither the church nor the state to authenticate the union. Of course, the members of a congregation took a great interest in the union of a young couple from their ranks, which is why those marriages were celebrated with family, friends, and fellow believers. But the right to marry was assumed to be a common-law right from the Creator, predating the church. However, throughout the Middle Ages, churches often recorded the names and dates of marriages, as well as the children of that union. After printing became common, the old family Bible became the authentic record of births, marriages, and deaths. Until 1545, all marriages in medieval Europe, including Christian marriages, came under the jurisdiction of common law. Holy matrimony occurred when two adults declared themselves to be husband and wife and then consummated the marriage in a one flesh union. Self-declared marriages were recognized as valid, even in the absence of witnesses. The concept of a third-party “marrying” a couple was foreign to them. For those living in that time, it was inconceivable that a man could have any authority to join a couple in holy matrimony. God was understood to be the one who “joined together” a man and a woman, and he had already established the point or kind of union and its primary purpose—sexual intercourse. It was understood to be within the power of a man and a woman to commence a life of union as they pleased. The couple would publicly promise themselves to each other—called a “verbum sap” (Latin for “no more need be said”)—and then assume the duties of husband and wife, and that was marriage. When family structure and economic conditions made it possible, there were wedding feasts and celebrations surrounding a marriage, but the blessing of an ecclesiastical or civil authority were unwarranted.

Marriage not the domain of the church

How did marriage come to be viewed as the domain of the church? In the sixteenth century, as many Roman Catholics were discovering justification by faith and leaving the fold to become Protestants, the Roman church launched a counter-reformation. In an attempt to delegitimize Protestant marriages, the Roman Church abolished “clandestine” marriage at the Council of Trent (1545–1563), ruling that in the future, a marriage would only be valid if it were performed by a Catholic priest in the presence of two witnesses. Of course, this transferral of marital authority into the hands of the clergy did not affect those outside the Roman church, where marriage by common consent continued to be the norm. Since it had become traditional for the Roman Catholic Church to recognize and record marriages, in the Protestant community separation from the old hierarchy left a vacuum that was soon filled by the Protestant states. By the 1600s, many of the Protestant European countries initiated the state’s involvement in the institution of marriage. England abolished clandestine or common-law marriages in the Marriage Act of 1753, requiring marriages to be performed by a priest of the Church of England. This law did not apply to Jews or Quakers. It was an “inner church/state” act. All countries in Europe have now abolished “marriage by habit and repute”, with Scotland being the last to do so in 2006. In the United States, new common-law marriages initiated in a state are still recognized in Alabama, Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Texas, Utah and the District of Columbia, and in Canada, several provinces recognize them.

Licensed by the State

At the age of eighteen, when I was “ordained” by the Southern Baptist Church to preach the gospel, they steered me into applying to the State of Tennessee for a license to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. That also gave me the legal status to perform weddings on behalf of the state. I accepted the whole process as needful for what God had called me to do, not in the least understanding the implications behind it all. It is downright scary to me to think back now on what they and I did. Think about it. It was God who created sexual beings and ordained their marriage, and it is HE who joins them together so that no man can put asunder that union. And it is HE who commissioned me to preach the gospel and commanded me to go forth, but I ignorantly subjected God’s calling to the state and asked their permission to obey God. In exchange for that “submission” on my part, the state delegated to me the authority to act as a proxy for them in granting what had been public domain for six thousand years of human history—holy matrimony. The state can only license that which is under its jurisdiction. And anything it licenses can be forbidden or regulated. In short, to receive licenses is to acknowledge the state’s supremacy over that activity, and it is a surrender to state control. I applied for and received from the state a driver’s license, by which I acknowledge the state’s jurisdiction over the road systems. By being a license holder, I place myself under the penalty of law for violating any state regulation covering the use of public roads. I have no problem with being so licensed. I acknowledge the state’s jurisdiction over the roads it has built and maintains. I also recognize that without my consent, the state can change the laws at any time, and I am responsible to submit to any revision. To receive from the state a license to marry is to acknowledge the state’s authority over marriage. What it licenses, it can un-license. One person can go to that state and have their contract of marriage dissolved. Why? Because the two parties of the divorce signed away their rights to “until death do us part” when they received a state license. The state is not bound by the verbal covenant you made in church. The state, by our consent, has made itself higher than our sworn covenants, higher than the church—higher than the God who ordained marriage. It was not always so. It is now. All praise to the state supreme? I praise them not!

Redefined Marriage

Now that we have finally granted the state jurisdiction over marriage, it has taken upon itself the authority to change the rules that have been in place for the past six thousand years of human history. As of this writing, five states—Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York, Rhode Island, and Iowa—recognize same-sex “marriage” as legitimate marriage. Vermont will soon follow, starting September 1, 2009. California was recognizing same-sex “marriages,” but later revoked the right. The battle is not over. It is under judicial review. Marriage licenses that once had lines for the signature of Bride and Groom now read Subject A, Subject B. When your daughter gets married will she be A or B? According to those states, she cannot be a “bride.” That is now politically incorrect discriminatory language. The first country to allow same-sex couples to enter into legally recognized “marriages” was the Netherlands, effective in 2001. Since then, six other countries—Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa, Norway and Sweden—have followed suit. Same-sex couples can be “civilly united,” but not married, in 16 other countries and in specific jurisdictions within five others. Even Israel recognizes legal same-sex marriages from other jurisdictions, but does not perform its own same-sex marriages. Political and legal debate continues in over two dozen other countries and in multiple U.S. states. Californians will lose the battle against having their marital status degraded and viewed as on par with an abominable perversion. Now that we have surrendered marriage to the state, it can now be redefined to the lowest denominator. Six thousand years of tradition will not affect this “progressive” trend. Biblical principles were disregarded 150 years ago. The opinion of the majority will have no meaningful bearing. The courts will overrule millennia of acceptable tradition and the will of the people.

Sodomite Agenda

Sodomites are seeking to redefine marriage in the courts and statutes to include same-sex unions. If their concern were just to obtain the same legal benefits enjoyed by traditional marriages, they would be satisfied with “domestic partnership” or “civil unions”. But no, they want much more. They want to legislate the beliefs, attitudes, and values of people everywhere! It is not just legal standing they seek; it is complete social and moral approval of their chosen, self-felt immoral degradation. Marriage, necessarily requiring a man and a woman, has by nature been an institution of exclusion from other “pairings” of people for sexual gratification. It has earned respect and honor as a sanctified and worthy institution, the place where future generations are incubated and nurtured. On the other hand, sodomy, by its nature, has historically been understood by all cultures to be an aberration, a perversion, unworthy of praise. Queers are tired of being queer. They want to escape the stigma their sin carries by joining the ranks of the holy—holy matrimony. Proponents of same-sex “marriage” regard it as a human right to be able to enter into “marriage” regardless of sexual orientation. I agree that Sodomites have a human right to do the wrong thing, to do harm to themselves, to be ignorant or stupid, but there is no human right to constrain others to approve or legally validate that choice. Just because one is free to choose does not render all choices appropriate. But it is not really the right to choose they seek; it is the denial of our right to choose otherwise that is at the forefront of their campaign. Maggie Gallagher of the National Review says same-sex “marriage” advocates seek to use the law to “stigmatize, marginalize, and repress those who disagree with the government’s new views on marriage and sexual orientation.” Sodomites want you punished for making them feel ashamed or guilty. They will not rest until it is illegal to quote the Bible regarding the sin of sodomy. You can be certain that, within the next few years, homosexuals will be a protected species and heterosexuals the endangered species. They will use the courts to purge society of the last vestige of negative speech or discriminatory actions. There is no stopping it, short of a nationwide repentance of true saints for their faithlessness in praying for those in authority over them, “that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty” (1 Tim. 2:1–4). And, God willing, that revival may be the spark that God will use to ignite another revival of the godless among us to repentance for their hell-worthy sins.

Dishonest argument

Defenders of traditional marriage have already lost the battle out of timidity. They argue that marriage is for procreation, something same-sex partners cannot do. What about sterile couples? Should they be denied the right to marry? Defenders of traditional marriage argue that “heterosexual couples provide the procreative foundation that is the chief building block of civilization, and that children are best raised with a mother and a father.” No doubt true, but what of all the single parents? Others argue that same-sex marriage is contrary to traditional marriage. So what? does that make it wrong? Others put forth religious objections, to which the other side quickly reminds us that religion is often on the wrong side. Defenders of heterosexual marriage argue that “the definition proposed by same-sex marriage advocates changes the social importance of marriage from its natural function of reproduction into a mere legality or freedom to have sex.” That might have been a good argument for the Puritans three hundred years ago, but it is embarrassing now. What I am attempting to convey to you is this: It is ultimately futile to reject same-sex “marriage” on such flimsy grounds as those listed above. Most of you by now should know that such arguments are our last stand after having abandoned our real belief—Sodomy is hurtful sin. Anything else would be like the arguments used against premarital sex that point to “how unfulfilling it is to get involved too early.” Good luck with that argument. You can voice all kinds of arguments about the social implications and what is best for the rearing of children, but that is nothing more than a smoke screen for a faith-grounded worldview. We do not want our holy marriages identified with same-gender unions because we know homosexuality to be an ugly sin, totally contrary to the will of God as revealed in the Bible. Period. Are we ashamed to voice our real position? Probably not. For some it is easier or a matter of expediency not to “say those words.” Others are not ashamed, but have not sat down and clearly thought it through and measured their thoughts by Scripture. We know that government no longer recognizes the authority of God, and for that reason has lost its original reason for protecting the sanctity of marriage. When God was displaced with human rights, it left a vacuum of authority. The State stepped right in and filled the void on behalf of the people. Why not compromise some so-called moral issues and try to accommodate all of its citizenry? If homosexuals want to be included in the bonds of matrimony, who are we (the State) to say it is inappropriate? A break with tradition, yes. Contrary to the comfort zones of many, so what? They will get over it. If there is no longer a moral Lawgiver, all that is left are the feelings and passions of the people. And why should the majority deny pleasure to the minority? “If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?” (Psalm 11:3). Offering feeble arguments about the functionally and social superiority of our position is a pitiful, losing argument. Rather, let us speak the truth, proclaiming that Jesus is the Creator, the Bible is his perfect word, we will all stand in the judgment to answer for our deeds, and homosexual acts are sinful, ending in eternal damnation for all those who practice them. And our closing statement can be, We will not accept a license from the government that views our holy marriages on a parity with a couple of Sodomites trading HIV viruses and adopting kids they could never produce. Through the power of Godless judges in the courts, sexual deviants are pushing the State to grant them the same license that once only legitimized holy matrimony. There is no stopping the flow. One state after another is falling to their persuasion. If not already, in your state you will soon find yourself standing beside a grinning queer who holds a marriage license identical to yours. If you speak against it, you will soon find yourself in court. The only recourse when snakes get in your boat is to get out—fast. When it becomes a snake boat, I will swim or find another boat. When your state declares your marriage license to be fully equal in all respects to a Sodomite’s, it will be time to repudiate the state licenses and climb to higher ground over which the state has no jurisdiction. They can recognize the civil rights of a perverted union if they please, but we will maintain ground that is faith-based and divinely protected.

Confusion

The problem that has arisen today to monumental proportions is simply that the State should never have been granted jurisdiction over holy matrimony. “We, the people” are responsible for letting this happen. Marriage has never been a political construct until this last generation. To demand that the State protect the sanctity of holy matrimony is to burden the State with enforcing a position that assumes the authority of the Holy Bible, which they have abandoned. It will never happen in the United States of America, nor anywhere else in the world.

Proposal

I will offer you a practical solution. When your state grants marital status to same-sex partners, send the state notification of your revocation of your state marriage license. And then as a couple, draw up a document that you file in your local courthouse that declares your marriage to have occurred on the date you were married long ago, including city, county, and state, with a brief statement about the Biblical nature of your covenant before God, and then signed by the two of you and witnessed by two friends. It is a retro-marriage covenant—not a license. When I first shared this with my wife, she freaked out and said she did not want to get a divorce, just to be married again 38 years later. No, your rejection of the state license will not be a divorce. You are just acknowledging that the state never had jurisdiction over your marriage and that your marriage has existed, and does exist, apart from the state. We expect the state to continue to recognize our marriage, granting us all the protection and rights that marriages have traditionally enjoyed. It will just give us the satisfaction of stepping out of the circle into which the queers have stepped. The document of marriage you draw up and witness will have the force of law when it is witnessed and filed at your local courthouse.

Better late than never

Several years ago, a couple with several children came to me with a concern. When they were young, they had run away to get married and then came back home declaring themselves to be husband and wife. But they never had a ceremony before a preacher or a justice of the peace. It was a common law marriage. It was now a concern to them because of the legal consequences of not being married in the eyes of the State. What if one of them died? What about property rights, etc.? So I drew up a document much like the one I am advocating that stated the early date of their marital union and declared them to be married from that date to the present, “until death do they part.” They signed it and my wife and I witnessed it, and they took it down to the local courthouse where it was notarized and filed. It took five minutes and cost $.50 plus the cost of gas. It is a valid marriage contract.

Private covenant marriage

All of my children but one were married by private contract. They did not ask the state for permission to marry. I wrote a one-page covenant for them, something like a private contract, that stated their commitment to enter into holy matrimony according to Biblical precepts, a few of which were enumerated. The contractual part of the wedding consisted of their verbal pledges of marriage and their signing the pledge in front of all present. Parents also signed the pledge, committing to the union, and then siblings and friends signed it as well. In unison, all present pronounced them man and wife by the power vested in us from God. They later took a copy of the document to the courthouse and had it notarized and filed. They have never failed to gain equal status before the law as being legally married.

Need your help

I am not an attorney. Many of my readers are. Lend us a hand. Research the statutes for us, and draw up a one-page marriage covenant that we can make available to our readers free. Also, please draw up a document that we can file with the courthouse that rescinds [rescinds, nullifies, sets aside, revokes] a state marriage license already in force. Email that to me with or without your credentials. If you wish, I will include your credentials on the instrument you create for us, including any contact information you may wish. But, of course, you may remain anonymous. If you do want credit, please send us a letter of consent to publish it free of charge in our publications. ______________________________________________________ (Our Biblical grounds against same-sex marriage: Genesis 19:5, Leviticus 18:22, Romans 1:22–32, 1 Corinthians 6:9–20, Jude 1:7, Isaiah 3:9)

They won’t mate!

I hired a young boy to help do some chores around the place. Our first job was to gather up the old hoses and irrigate the garden. But the hoses had many cuts and leaks, and some had broken couplings, so I purchased a sackful of brass couplings and hastily repaired the hoses. When I finished fixing them, I told the boy to hook them up and run them down to the sprinkler in the garden. After thirty minutes, he was still running back and forth, dragging hoses this way and that. I asked him, “What’s the problem?” In complete frustration he replied, “There is something queer about these hoses; I can’t make them fit together, no matter which way I turn them.” I examined the hoses and discovered that on one hose, I had put a female coupling on each end. Laughing heartily, I said, “You got that right; there is no way to mate two females. The couplings simply can’t couple.”

Husbands and Wives in the Making

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 11:35:13 +0000

When my husband began looking for a wife, he had already decided that he wanted to be married to a smile, and so that is what he went looking for. He found a smile when he met my mom, and so, with a little deduction, he knew her daughter was the girl for him. He reasoned, if the mother is happy, the daughters are likely to follow suit. In raising my little girls, I am conscious of the need to produce smiling wives who will be stable, secure, strong, confident, happy, submissive, and full of life. It is readily apparent in three-year-olds what kind of wife or husband they will become. It is a broader way of looking at training. But we are not content to just train them to sit still and be courteous and obedient, never interrupting adult conversation. More important, are we instilling the personality and character that will make them good wives and mothers? As my husband and I were traveling this past summer, we met lots of wonderful, obedient children. But if you project their attitudes and temperaments into grown bodies, there weren’t many that I would select as husbands for my daughters. It wasn’t because they were mean or obnoxious. They were something even more distasteful—many were sweet, kind, and soft “mama’s boys.” I know, some of you are about to say, “But that is how I wish my husband was; if he would just care more about my feelings or be more gentle, then I would be so much happier. I am going to make sure that I raise a son who will be loving and caring about a girl’s feelings, and be willing to sit and listen and spend time talking with me.” I have seen a few men like that, and, oh yes, they are sweet to the point where you wonder if they truly are men. God created men to be men and women to be women, so let’s take his cue and start raising men and women in the image which God intended them to be. That means mothers letting go and fathers stepping up to the plate. I met many happy, beautiful young ladies while traveling, and they all said the same thing: “There are no men; just mama’s boys—and who wants to be married to that?” We met one family that had a son who was all over the place; he wanted to do it all. He was the only son in a houseful of women; his dad worked out of the house. Yet this boy was a man all the way, and even at that young age it was obvious that he will be a real man, a leader, kind and strong at the same time. That is what you need to be raising for my daughters, Gracie and Laila. He already manifests leadership qualities—most notably, manly dominance. I observed as he and Gracie were playing. She got into the driver’s seat of the play car. He told her that being the man, he was going to do the driving, but if she married him, he would give her a debit card. She readily agreed. Smart girl. Every child I met was different. Some were shy. Some bold. Some weak, and some strong. We must be honest and objective in relating to our children. If your son is sensitive and caring, God can use him in some service or ministry that needs compassion. But do not let yourself cater to the sensitive and caring side of that child. Carefully and patiently steer him to be tough in order to be able to face the trials of life. If your daughter is sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily, starts coming to you for sympathy, complaining of ill-treatment by others, just smile and say, “Well, that is his problem, not yours. We will try to help him have a better attitude.” Show your daughter how wonderful life is by being an example of joy and creativity. Treat your little boys like men, and expect manly responses. Don’t demand that they be sensitive like girls. If your daughter is not a servant by nature, you must give more time and attention in training her. Example is an indispensable teacher. When she sees you always serving Daddy, she will adopt your attitude. It is sometimes hard for us as parents to see the weaknesses in our children. So never be afraid to ask a friend if they see something you are missing. My daughter will need a MAN in about eighteen years. I am particular. She will be too. So don’t come knocking if you are not training up a boy in the way a man should go.

Response from Bill Gothard

Bill Gothard — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 11:15:36 +0000

In a previous article I characterized the teaching of Bill Gothard in a manner that is not representative of his views. He graciously called to inform me of his position. I asked him to document his views in a letter to me. Here is Bill Gothard's letter in its entirety. Dear Michael, I appreciated our phone conversation a few days ago, and I am happy to clarify and expand on the points that we talked about. When Is a Family Established? I was pleased to learn from your recent article, “The Balanced Patriarch,” that you and your wife were able to attend a Basic Youth Conflicts Seminar in the early 1970s. That seminar was born out of the Biblical concept to turn “the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers” (Malachi 4:6). (See also Luke 1:17.) In this seminar, we explain that a man is to leave his father and mother when he gets married and is no longer under their authority. (See Matthew 19:5.) However, many husbands are not prepared or equipped for the challenges that they are going to face in their marriage and family. Therefore, we encourage them to get as much counsel as they can from wise and Godly sources, including parents and parents-in-law, because “in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). Also, it is Scriptural for every man to be accountable to older, Godly men: “Ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble” (I Peter 5:5). Your question on the authority of a father is answered in a booklet titled Pavilions of Protection, which I am sending you under separate cover. What Damages a Father’s Leadership? Whenever a father asks for counsel regarding a rebellious son or daughter, one of my first questions is “Do you have a problem with anger?” Almost every dad says, “Yes.” In talking with groups of young people, I ask them the same question, and almost all of them acknowledge that their fathers have a problem with anger. I know of nothing that destroys the spirit of a marriage or a dad’s relationship with his children faster than anger. Many of these fathers have gone through counseling and seminars and still continue to have the problem. Recently, we have discovered a major cause of this anger. Most men have painful memories of hurts in the past or memories of things that they did to hurt others. If they did not respond by forgiving their offenders or by asking forgiveness for their offenses, they became vulnerable to Satan’s lies, such as “You are stupid” or “You’ll never amount to anything” or “People are out to hurt you.” All these experiences and the lies that go with them are filed away in the heart and mind of that young man. In the future, when someone tells him that he has done something stupid, or he is frustrated, or he feels like a failure, all the pain and guilt of the past flares up in anger. We have found that by helping dads transform these painful memories by applying the commands of Christ, they are able to experience victory over anger, as well as to overcome guilt, lust, bitterness, greed, fear, and envy. For more information, please visit www.LifePurposeHealth.com. What Is a Patriarchal Family? God has given three law systems to mankind. The first was given to one family, Adam and Eve. The second was given to Israel, the law of Moses. The third was given to all nations, the commands of Christ. All three are referred to by Jesus in Matthew 19 when He discusses divorce. This is important, because if we base our teaching on the family only on the Old Testament patriarchal model, we will run into problems with Jesus’ teaching on the family in the New Testament. Under the Mosaic law, the nation of Israel was not to have social interaction with other nations, and everything in their society was built around the family. In the New Testament, we are to proclaim the Gospel of Christ to all nations, and this is to be the priority of every family member. A true patriarchal family understands that they are the spiritual seed of Abraham and are therefore heirs of the promise God gave him, along with its responsibilities. “Know ye therefore that they which are of faith, the same are the children of Abraham. And the Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the heathen through faith, preached before the gospel unto Abraham, saying, In thee shall all nations be blessed. So then they which be of faith are blessed with faithful Abraham” (Galatians 3:7–9). We are to bless all nations by giving them the glorious Gospel of Christ, which encompasses all of His commands. “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations . . . all things whatsoever I have commanded you” (Matthew 28:19–20). What Is a Kingdom Family? “Absolute loyalty” to the family is a key factor of an out of balance patriarchal family model. However, as He did so often with various aspects of the Ten Commandments and the Mosaic law, Jesus explained a higher precedent affecting family loyalties when He was told, “Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee” (Matthew 12:47). Jesus answered, “Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother” (Matthew 12:48–50). This is not to take away from the need for sons and daughters to honor and obey their parents, especially in regard to standards and choice of a marriage partner, nor is it to diminish the need for parents to train up sons and daughters to be Godly ambassadors of truth. In these matters, there must be a higher loyalty to the Lord than to the family. Jesus taught this when He said: “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:34–37). Why Do Teens Turn Against Standards? Why are young people who have been trained up in a Godly home and kept from the corrupting influences of the world suddenly deciding to reject their upbringing and adopt the standards and ways of the world? There are many contributing factors. However, I believe that a foundational reason is that young people have not been trained in how to lead people to Christ and to disciple them with the commands of Christ. I have asked thousands of homeschooled young people, “How many of you have led someone to Christ?” In response, only a few hands have been raised. This is shocking! When Christian young people have no “labor and travail” over the spiritual birth and growth of others, they see no real reasons for higher standards. Disciples expect and even demand higher standards of those who are teaching them the ways of God. It was his concern for the spiritual well-being of his disciples that motivated Paul to set aside his own personal freedoms in Christ. He declared, “Wherefore, if meat make my brother to offend, I will eat no flesh while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend” (I Corinthians 8:13). One of the ways that we have found to remedy this deficiency is by having teams of young people go on a ten-day Journey to the Heart. They learn how to love God with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and then they are shown how to lead others to Christ and to disciple them in the commands of Christ. Almost all of the 1,400 who have completed a Journey so far have had a life-changing experience. How Do Parents Make Children Their “Idols?” About five months ago, a distraught father asked for counsel regarding the conflicts in his family. He feared for the physical safety of his two daughters because of the anger of their mother. When the daughters were released by the father for ministry outside the home, they quickly recovered from the abusive home atmosphere and their mother had an opportunity to reevaluate her relationship with them. A month later, the mother asked her daughters to forgive her for her anger. Then she revealed a powerful insight that has transformed her thinking. She realized she was expecting things from her daughters that only God could give her, such as approval, security, and fulfillment. When we expect things from people that only God can give us, we make them our idols, and we cannot love our idols, because this love is based on getting from them rather than giving to them. Should Daughters Give Their Hearts to Their Dads? When I first heard the concept of a daughter giving her heart to her dad for safekeeping until she got married, it sounded like a good idea. It was certainly far better than giving parts of her heart to different boyfriends and then having very little left for her future husband. However, there is a major factor that this concept overlooks and, as a result, we are now seeing serious breakdowns. Several fathers have acknowledged that they do not really know what to do with their daughters’ hearts, and other daughters who have given their hearts to their fathers are deeply hurt and disillusioned when their fathers fail in their walk with God or their attitudes toward them. We must return to the first and greatest commandment, which is to give our whole hearts to our heavenly Father. Then we are to dedicate our bodies to Him and yield our members as instruments of righteousness so that He can love others through us. It is then no longer a matter of trying to love God, parents, marriage partner, children, or others with our love, but rather it is a matter of allowing God to love them through us with His perfect love. Should Daughters be “Keepers at Home” or Seekers of God’s Kingdom? A family who is following Christ must make it their first priority to seek God’s Kingdom and His righteousness. Each family member should look for ways to advance God’s Kingdom by living out His commands and teaching them to others. The new emphasis on daughters being “keepers at home” is based on Titus 2. This instruction is clearly written to wives and mothers: “to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:4–5). There is a great need for fathers to protect their daughters, especially from going out of the home for education or jobs that would influence them to reject what they have learned from Scripture. However, to say that this passage prohibits a father from sending out an older daughter for ministry outside the home is both unscriptural and impractical. It is creating major problems, as evidenced by the overwhelming response to your recent articles. Some who promote this teaching state that even though the passage is written to married women, it is wise for older daughters to also learn how to be a “keeper at home.” This is fine. However, it is one thing to learn how to be a “keeper at home” and another matter to be required to be one to the exclusion of ministry outside the home. By such a requirement, they make no practical distinction between a married woman and a single adult daughter. However, Scripture makes a clear distinction between these two: “There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (I Corinthians 7:34). God compares children to arrows in the hand of a mighty man. (See Psalm 127:4.) A mighty warrior does not keep his arrows in his house. He carefully sends them out on important missions and then retrieves them for the next assignment. This should be the pattern of incremental release so that both sons and daughters can do great exploits for God and have a passion for God’s Kingdom, which they can then instill in their sons and daughters when they do get married. There are many more factors that should be discussed on this very important issue, but I trust that these points will be a help to parents who are courageously going against the tide of our culture and want more than anything else to raise up sons and daughters who are mighty in God’s Spirit. Through Christ our Lord, Bill Gothard, PhD President, Institute in Basic Life Principles