No Greater Joy Ministries » Emotional Control

Go, and Sneer No More

Debi Pearl — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 02:02:24 +0000

Over the last 40-plus years, we have watched couples fall in—and out—of love. In many cases, the ones we were certain would make it did not, and those we thought would surely end in divorce thrived in love. So what’s the secret? There are many dynamics in marriage that make it fail or flourish, but over the years there is one underlying element that has proven to be the deal maker or breaker. I don’t know if it is the cause or the symptom, but it is a certain marker…sitting in the seat of the scornful. A family full of scorn is a family headed for ruin, for scorn is the soul in decay. It is finding fault and deriding the failures of others while believing oneself to be somewhat better. The family piles into the family van to head home from church, and within seconds Mom speaks. “God help us, Mrs. Don’s makeup is so brazen it’s embarrassing.” The children register their mom’s remark while their minds take them back two minutes to when Mom stood by the van laughing and talking with Mrs. Don as if they were best friends. Mrs. Don has often entertained the children and done other nice things for their family, but… Dad interrupts, “That d@# preacher needs to learn to tell time. The deacons have warned him several times, but he doesn’t know when to shut up.” The kids see their mother’s instant disapproval for Daddy using the D-word. They know that mama reeeeally likes the preacher because she calls him every time Daddy does something bad. Something uglier than damn has taken hold of the children—it is called disrespect. And the disrespect in the children’s souls is not confined to the preacher or Mrs. Don; it is becoming a part of their worldview, and it will be directed toward the parents soon enough. Mom thinks her glance of condemnation will clear the air, but instead it further tears down the family. The next time she seeks the preacher’s advice, the children will sneer. Teenage sister is giggling with brother, “Did you see those geeky shoes Sara had on? Man, I would die before I would walk around looking like that. She is such a dork.” Sara is sister’s best friend, or at least she used to be. “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful” (Psalm 1:1). Note the digression from walking to standing to sitting. The practice of scorning quickly becomes a permanent post. As a general rule, the disease of scorning is most prominent in Christians who deem themselves most separate in doctrine and righteousness. Just as none are so obnoxious about diet as the health-food nuts, none are so obnoxious about lifestyle as fundamentalist Bible-believers and elitist homeschoolers who deem themselves above common practitioners. This is bad because being scornful has a huge negative impact throughout life. All that church-going homeschooling parents try to pour into their children will be cancelled out with this one bad habit of scorning. Children who grow up in a family where scorning is common will be molded into a worldview that will shape their choice of spouse, the way they relate in marriage, and the way they raise their children. A young girl who grows up hearing scorning will become a scorning wife. The first time her husband is a jerk—and he will be—she will resort to the lower instincts she has learned and scorn instead of pray and forgive. Her new husband will experience scorn instead of biblically mandated reverence. The equation reads like this: Her scorn = his lack of love. When they come for counsel, she will demand that he love her as Christ loved the church, and he will sheepishly tell us it is hard to love her, and we will know why. How can a man truly love a woman who treats him with disdain and disapproval? The recipe for a good marriage doesn’t include a pinch of scorn. But the husband may have come from a scorning family, so he will have scorned her family before they were married, which makes her feel justified in her contempt toward her husband. This equation reads like this: disrespect breeds disrespect, or scorn brings on deeper scorn. And like Thanksgiving turkey, it becomes a family tradition. One reason scorn, and thus divorce, has skyrocketed is the diminishing of community. People once lived and died around the same group of friends and family. People had to learn to treat their lifetime neighbors with some degree of respect. When you knew a girl might grow up and bear your grandkids, you learned to hold your ridicule if she appeared to be a little dumb. If you thought a boy could grow up and marry your daughter, you didn’t want him labeled too poorly. In that era, self-preservation depended upon the advancement of everyone within the circle. Everybody in the community was important to the community as a whole, and faults were better tolerated for the well-being of all. As a child, I knew of a family that had six daughters. The only thing I can remember about this highly intelligent, correctly religious, successful pastor’s family was the constant run of ridicule that prevailed in his household, usually directed toward a church member for being stupid, ugly, or messy. The pretty girls all married, divorced, remarried, and divorced again. Pastor Dad finally got involved in an affair, bringing his marriage to an end as well. Blessed is the family…that sitteth not in the seat of the scornful. Many of you reading this were raised around a table of scorn. You will most likely marry spouses from families that nit-picked their church members as they drove away from church each week. Or perhaps it was the previous church that they carefully dismembered. The infectious disease of mockery takes its toll. Usually the ridicule will not be harsh and is not meant to be cruel; it takes the form of offhanded remarks said in order to disparage the other. Perhaps the most damaging type of denigration for a child is when he thinks that his parents truly like and respect someone, and then as soon as they get in the car he hears the parents’ disdain for that person. Raining down dishonor on the teacher or preacher who is teaching the child the Bible will cause the child to lose his reverence for God and will surely lead to the child’s rejection of God. It doesn’t matter if the preacher deserves the reviling; is the venting worth the damage done in the heart of your child who heard you give your “spiritual” opinion? This two-faced diet breeds more of the same. Critical spirits don’t have just one home; they migrate and multiply like seed ticks. Wife against husband, husband against wife, and then children against parents; and when sin is conceived, it will keep your teenager from ever developing a healthy fear of God. Without fear of God there will be no wisdom. Fools—that’s what you will be raising. “How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge?” (Proverbs 1:22). So in the end, you might save your marriage if you happen to have married someone who doesn’t equal you in sneering, but unless someone else intervenes, your children will bear your sin and pass it on to your grandchildren. The moral of the story: Go, and sneer no more. ~ Debi

Angry Children

Michael Pearl — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 11:25:32 +0000

What causes children to be angry, and how can parents address this issue? We can best understand anger in children by understanding the source of our own anger. Children get angry for the same reasons adults do. The little ones do appear to have more of a problem with anger than do adults, but only because the young ones have not yet developed the self-serving art of covering their feelings and appearing proper to others. Most of us have too much pride to display our anger publicly, so we express anger through punishing silences or quiet, biting words. Innuendos designed to marginalize others are the polished art of anger. We try to castigate while maintaining the appearance of emotional aloofness, the object being to provoke the detested party to react in self-incriminating ways, openly confirming our assessment of their faults. Anger has several roots, which we will discuss in the future online, but the tap-root of all anger is frustration at failing to manage our environment for our own pleasure. I have seen no less than a thousand men express anger at inanimate objects and curse things that do not have ears because they were frustrated in their efforts to accomplish something with a “stubborn” tool. How many times have we observed toddlers cry out in anger at their failure to manipulate an object to their satisfaction? A ten-year-old slams a ball glove on the ground after failing to catch the ball. Or he yells in anger, “That stupid old bicycle won’t work right.” And there is the anger directed at others when a child fails to manage others to his own pleasure. A child explodes, “But you promised you would take me to the ball game today.” A ten-year-old girl angrily cries, “Somebody has been in my room and touched my stuff.” A fifteen-year-old girl whines in anger, “Why can’t I have a cell phone; all my friends do!” And ultimately, the words we never want to hear, “I just hate you; why did I have to have parents like you?” What is wrong with her parents? They have frustrated her efforts to “express herself,” to experience life as she thinks best. Anger is the bulldozer of the frustrated soul. If an angry man were honest, you would hear him say, “Get out of my way; you are preventing me from realizing immediate gratification.” Angry drivers are a prime example of the fruit of frustration. Anger runs even deeper. It becomes an IED—improvised explosive device. “You have hurt me; I will hurt you back in the only way that is available to me.” “I will shout at you as my enemy, and you will see the murder in my heart and be afraid. You will back down and give me my way, for ‘I am the master of my fate and captain of my soul.’” Be it a skinhead in prison or the two-year-old son of a stable family, anger emanates from the human race like odor from a skunk. When you see anger in your children, you are seeing the theology of depravity up close in all of its pervading ugliness. But children do not inherit Adam’s anger. There is no need, for they are quite capable of inventing it in a vacuum. Some are more angry than others. Children range from very angry to hardly angry at all. Some children spend their early years in calm congeniality, and then all of a sudden turn angry. Others express lots of anger in their early years from birth to three or four years old, and then calm down and become peaceful and passive. What is going on that creates these variables? Can we as parents control the process, thwart the growth of anger, and instill a godly self-control and forgiveness in our children? The answer is a resounding “Yes.” As a parent you must anticipate the needs of your children and be proactive in equipping them to face life’s challenges with the kind of character it takes to endure with grace the potential frustrations of everyday life. How? First, by example. If you bypass this one, nothing else will work. If you have occasional angry outbursts, your children will catch it like the flu. It does no good to say you are sorry, other than they may learn to apologize after each of their own outbursts. You have not dealt with the anger; you have just made the point that it needs to be followed with an apology. More is caught than taught. Assuming you are setting a proper example, the next step is to not leave your child in a social vacuum where she must face her frustrations unguided. For example, I saw a small child cry out in anger because she couldn’t put her coat on properly. She was frustrated. If you simply spank her for her anger or rebuke her, you will only increase the frustration and it will soon develop into a habit of angry impatience. You can prevent this inclination by patiently training her in the art of putting on a coat. When you see the anger, slow down in your hurry to get out the door and show her that you are going to patiently be there while she finds the other sleeve. If she is capable of this contortionist’s feat but overly anxious and impatient with herself, show her step by step how it is to be done, and smile all the while. You are teaching her that the things that frustrate us can be conquered with patience and persistence. In the child’s mind, this translates into a principle that will apply in the face of any frustration. If a ten-year-old is angry at his bicycle because it won’t work right, take time to show him how to make it work properly. Get out the tools and make adjustments, or teach him how to adjust his riding technique, as the need may be. Some anger is justified, but it is a slippery slope. I recently observed one of my grandkids sitting in front of an easel, studiously painting a picture. At three years old she is very serious about her artwork and quite patient with the process. But she burst out in anger when a visiting kid deliberately and physically halted her painting. I could see that she just wanted to be left alone so she could paint. Her anger was understandable but unacceptable. Now her mother could have rebuked her for being angry, but that would have introduced another element that would have broadened her anger to include her mother and the cruel, insensitive world in general. The budding artist was not trying to enforce her will upon others or manipulate others to her pleasure. She had created an environment that she wanted to maintain, and others had trespassed. What she needed was what we all need when someone comes onto our property and abuses our possessions—the law, an enforcer. A society becomes angry, giving way to revolution when the law no longer protects it and it feels there is no other recourse to achieve justice. It is driven mad with the frustration of injustice. So, seeing the event unfold, I said to my busy daughter who didn’t see what took place, “They are disturbing her painting; they should play someplace else and leave her alone.” The three-year-old had already returned to her canvas and was deep in concentration, working tediously. Anger is a natural human emotion and not necessarily evil in itself. The apostle Paul said, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26). Justified anger should fade quickly with the removal of the provocation. Do not entertain the grievance overnight. If the anger lingers until nightfall it is no longer a natural reaction to injustice; it is simmering wrath. Did you know that Jesus was angry? Read Mark 3:1–6. When Jesus was confronted with the blind man on the Sabbath, he saw the religious leaders watching him “whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him” Jesus “looked round about on them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stretch forth thine hand. And he stretched it out: and his hand was restored whole as the other.” His frustration at their resistance and unbelief turned to an act of healing rather than aggressive words or actions. Anger is a motivator, but in the heart of a self-indulgent sinner it can lead to sinful pride and retaliation. When anger becomes a habit, taking on the characteristics of a temperament, it has become a black art of the Devil. That is what we want to prevent in our children. The three-year-old’s anger at being thwarted in her private efforts to paint was natural, but if the injustice were allowed to continue her festering anger would become an ugly character trait. At this point a wise parent will step in and control the circumstances, as did my daughter. She told the five other children that they should play somewhere else and leave Laila to her painting. This three-year-old will appreciate living in a society controlled by the rule of law where individual rights are respected. Her spirit will be quieted by the justice that is enforced, and she will “not let the sun go down” on her wrath. However, if Mother had left the children to themselves, anarchy would have ensued. Laila would have lost it and fought to gain control of her environment. If she prevailed, it would have confirmed to her the power of anger and aggression. If she had failed and the other children prevailed to stymie her art work, she would have grown even more angry and hostile, acting in retaliation, maybe even striking the other kids or screaming insults. All that is unholy would break loose, and Laila would have looked like the “bad girl” while the others just stood around innocently grinning, leaving Laila to be rebuked and spanked for her out-of-control anger. If this situation had been allowed to reach this point, there would have been no way to untangle the knots of anger that would have formed in her little soul. No amount of spanking would have rooted out her feelings of injustice. A parent cannot wait until a volcano blows the side of the mountain out and then try to put the lava back in the hole. Just last week I attended my grandson Laife’s third birthday party. The house was full of cousins and friends. One of the games was pin the tail on the donkey, played while blindfolded of course. Laife was the first to give it a try. When he pulled the blindfold off and found that the tail was hanging in the air a long way from the donkey, he rushed over to correct his mistake. He is a perfectionist and likes everything in order. That tail hanging in the air was totally out of order. When he tried to re-pin it, we all laughed, and his mother placed it back were he had placed it while blindfolded. He said no and struggled to get hold of it so he could give the poor donkey his tail. When his mother laughingly resisted, trying to explain that there was a prize for the one who got closest, he just fell on the floor and wept his frustration and anger. His mother was wise and let him return the severed tail to the humiliated donkey. Most of the kids were older than he and understood the need to change the rules to accommodate his perspective. To have resisted him here and spanked him for his crying would not have appeared just to his little mind and would have left him with budding seeds of distrust and anger. Spankings are reserved for rebellion and meanness. Spankings are for evil hearts and indifferent spirits, to get their attention and cause them to respect the lawgiver. A child should know he deserves a spanking before you give him one, otherwise it creates anger. “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). The time to inoculate your children against the human tendency to impatient anger is when they are six months old and four years old. Think about life as playing a team sport. If you throw someone into a basketball game who doesn’t know the rules and hand him the ball, telling him it is his, he be will shocked when someone runs up and takes it out of his hands. When he moves toward the goal, he will be shocked that the referee takes it away from him on a charge of “traveling.” When he tries to throw the ball through the basket, people jump up and grab it before it can go in. What a frustrating game! Get used to it. That’s life. Here is the key, a principle you must understand and apply: Children need to be taught the rules and trained to navigate the court and disciplined in mind and body before they are exposed to the challenges of the game. Never allow your young children, even as young as six months, to become unconquerably frustrated with the ball and the court of life. If you instill competence and confidence in young children, they will accept the difficulties as an opportunity to show their mettle rather than as an obstacle to their success. When a child wants to please and impress others and is unable to perform properly, he will get angry. The anger may look like anger or it may look like self-loathing, but they are the same. Aggression against others is obvious anger. Aggression against self can be quiet and inward. You are the cure. Do not fail to train a child to do all that life requires so he feels good about himself and his abilities. Show approval of him as a person so that he doesn’t become anxious to perform at a level that will earn approval. Provide an example that communicates that it is all right to experience temporary setbacks, for they just make the victory sweeter. Teach your children to be competent in many areas. This begins with manipulating blocks of wood, assembling things, stacking cardboard boxes and cutting doors and windows. It continues with teaching them to dress themselves, cook, clean the house, and eventually do outside chores, and it graduates into skills that most men do not possess, such as repairing automobiles, tuning pianos, programming computers, music, art, science, entrepreneurship, and the possibilities are endless. People who are succeeding don’t get angry. It is the hungry and hopeless peasants who stay angry and eventually revolt, assuaging their frustrations with a guillotine. If you order your home in a way that clearly communicates to your children that there is justice and mercy in the world, that their rights and dignity are protected by the rule of law, you will eliminate the anger that springs from the frustration of societal injustice. There are additional reasons for anger beyond frustration with one’s inability to control the environment and the actions of others. We will discuss them on our website and will email the remainder of the article to those of you who are signed up to receive our weekly email notifications. If you do not have access to a computer, go to your local library and you can print the rest of the article on anger. Angry Children, Part 2

Thankfulness

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 11:00:25 +0000

My husband has a customer from out of state who comes by for Justin to look at his van during those times when he is in town visiting friends. Justin will stop everything he is doing just to help him, because this man’s heart runs over with thankfulness. But there are other customers who come in that, no matter much how Justin goes out of his way to help them, they never think to say, “thank you,” and they never act like they appreciated what he has just done for them. They will often come up with one thing or another that they think he is doing wrong, even though they might not know anything about cars. Their unthankful attitude portrays their unhappiness with life. Justin really does not care to do business with them at all; it just isn’t worth the hassle. Now, I know we should do our best for everyone, whether they are thankful or not. But, without forethought, we have a tendency to more readily respond to a thankful person. How would you feel if you gave a present to your best friend and she looked at you with a grimace and said, “Thank you, but I don’t need this blouse, besides I only wear name brands”? Yes, she did say the words “thank you,” but her attitude was one of ungratefulness. Would you readily go out and spend another thirty dollars on her, hoping she will like the gift this time? When does thankfulness start? You, as a parent, teach your child to say, “thank you,” and everyone thinks it is so cute. But are you teaching them to be thankful as well? Thankfulness is more caught than taught. It comes from the heart, not the will, and not from good habits. Thankfulness is opposed to whining and griping; a child can’t do both. So, a thankful child is a happy child. If a mother is joyful, the child will be as well. If the mother is unthankful, she will never teach her children to be thankful, no matter what they say in response to a gift. Most of the time, when I observe children with bad attitudes and bad actions, it is due to their not being thankful for what others are doing for them. Gracie, my little two-year-old, is thankful about everything. If I get up in the middle of the night to take her to the bathroom, afterward when she is lying on my shoulder, barely awake but kissing me, she says over and over again; “Thank you, Mama, thank you, Mama.” They are not just words to her, but a part of her heart, a part of who she is. At mealtime, she is always thankful for the food I put in front of her. We expect her to be thankful for the time I spent making it. We teach her to be aware of the sacrifices others make for her. When I am about to serve food that I think may be too spicy for her, or if I am serving a food I know she just does not like very well, I tell her before I put it in front of her, “Gracie you do not have to eat this; just tell Mama ‘No, thank you,’ because Mama worked really hard making this food for you and Daddy.” I instruct her thus so as not to create an attitude of unthankfulness. The food is not the issue; her heart is. Because we have focused on the heart, there are very few healthy foods that she does not like. I know that Gracie gets more than her share of gifts, because when you give her something, no matter what it is (even if it is small), she is so full of joy and thanksgiving. I have never really told her to say the words, “thank you”; she just learned that it was the word to say when you feel happy and thankful. Now, she uses it to express an attitude of gratefulness that has nothing to do with the word itself. Parents, you must learn to be thankful for the little things in life that are so big in the eyes of a two-year-old. I do not know how you feel, but I know that when my little girl is 18 years old, I want her to be filled with thankfulness that her parents are watching out for her best interests. I want her to have a good attitude toward life and toward us. From the time Gracie was born, I always expressed great thankfulness toward life in general, and she is always watching and listening. I will tell her, “Daddy works so hard so that we can eat; let’s rub Daddy’s feet for him.” Justin, in the same manner, will say, “Look at Mama, she’s cooking supper for us. Do you want to help her? She loves us so much.” Whenever Gracie does something for me, like putting a piece of paper in the trash, cleaning up her toys, bringing my shoes, whatever it may be, I show her a thankful and joyful smile. She knows that I am pleased with her and with her service. She is a better helper than many six-year-old children, and has a better attitude too. I am very thankful for her help, and because she knows it, she is thankful for all the things I do for her. Gracie has two friends from a broken family, who go to public school and are not trained in any way. The little boy is five, and his sister is three; they come over and visit off and on. Their dad works for my husband. One day when I was in the shop, I told their dad that they were so good about cleaning up after themselves. He laughed and said, “They don’t do that.” I told him, “They sure do.” His children, being untrained and never cleaning up at their own home, love to clean when they come to my house. They know that I will be so thankful for their help and that I will praise them for their good work and brag on them to their dad. In times past, when their dad would come to pick them up, they would complain and whine about having to leave. It was a big, unhappy ordeal. So one day, I set them down and explained to them how their dad works so hard, then goes home and cooks for them, and washes their clothes, and takes good care of them. Then I asked them what they could do to help him. I was training them to be thankful, which translated into being hard, willing, thoughtful workers. “When your daddy comes to get you, do not complain, but be thankful that he is such a hard worker.” Well, when their dad showed up, they started eagerly putting their shoes on and gathering up their things. The five-year-old boy started to complain just a little, and right away the little three-year-old girl said, “Bubba, be sweet.” He donned a chastened look and went back to putting on his shoes. Their dad told me later that they had started cleaning up after themselves and were keeping their room clean. He said, “I do not know what has gotten into them.” I know; it is called THANKFULNESS! Only a few minutes of instruction, training, and reinforcement, and by reminding them of his sacrifice, was all it took to get them started on the road to thankfulness. It became a part of their heart and soul, once they saw their daddy’s heart toward them. Most training issues start with either a lack of instruction or too much heady, religious, soul-invading manipulation. Most of Gracie’s baby clothes were given to me, and not all of them were the cutest or in the best condition, but I would let Gracie try on every one of them and make a time of enjoyment of the gift. I would always talk about how nice the person was who thought to give us their things. It is not about the clothes or whether they are cute or not; it is about your child’s soul, and showing her a thankful spirit. Even if all I do is use the clothes for her baby doll, the point is still to be thankful. You are molding a little heart, and your every attitude will teach them how they should respond to life and to those around them. Just yesterday, on the way home from work, I asked Gracie, “Who is Mama thankful for?” I was expecting her to say, “Daddy,” or, “Gracie,” but no, she sat there for a minute and then said, “God.” I was shocked that even at the age of two she has learned what Mama is thankful for: what God has done for us! She went on, in her own little words, to say, “Mama is happy, Daddy is happy, Gracie is happy, God is happy that Gracie is happy.” I started to laugh with her, because, yes, I was happy, and I am sure God was smiling as well. Gracie is already learning to be thankful for what Christ has done for her on Calvary. It will be a few years before she totally understands why Jesus had to die for her, but she is on the right road to learning to be thankful for what he has done for her. And when the time comes for her to understand, I am certain she will be thankful for his sacrifice.

Different Techniques to Control Parents

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Jun 2003 11:00:31 +0000

...Children (as well as adults) throw fits as a means of controlling the actions of others. Your daughter screams and runs away because it works in reducing the pain...

Dear Pearls, My 4-year-old has a big problem when she needs to get spanked. She bucks, screams as loud as she can, turns red, and thrashes around. It is unbelievable how she acts, and it is very tiring. Consequently, she gets fewer spankings. She is usually a good kid except when she is pouty. Seeking wise counsel, Mama

Hi Mike and Debi, I have a question about my 3-year-old. When my husband or I need to speak to her about her bad behavior she seems to become what I would describe as scared/shy/distant. She stands with one shoulder lifted to her chin and her chin pushed down into her shoulder, looking up at us as if we are going to give her the world’s worst rebuking. I sense anger or resentment on her part. We are consistent to restore fellowship with her, and I do not believe she is reacting to us because of fear from our anger, because we address issues in a calm fashion. We have two younger children, and we want to get this problem addressed before it reflects on them. Kim

Michael Answers Dear Mama, Since you admit that you have rewarded her behavior with fewer spankings, we must admit, she won—to her detriment. She’s not stupid. Spankings hurt. Your weak actions have strengthened her resolve and confirmed to her that she can limit your discipline. Children (as well as adults) throw fits as a means of controlling the actions of others. Your daughter screams and runs away because it works in reducing the pain. If throwing a fit caused more pain—not less—the child would wisely stop throwing fits. If running away from sweet, tender Mama with a little-bitty switch meant running into a lion, she would welcome the switch as her savior. When you make resistance not only futile but contrary to her best interests, she will stop resisting. Likewise, pouting is an expression of anger, designed to control those at whom it is directed. Children do it because it gets results—attention, compromise, and negotiation. Parents say of a pouty child, “I don’t want to upset her.” “Leave her alone; don’t get her started again.” When parents organize and manage a child so that pouting is counterproductive, the child will take up smiling as a method of getting her way. When she screams or flees, calmly follow through by physically subduing her. Sit on her, if you have to, and slowly explain that you will not tolerate this resistance. Explain in a normal tone (She will eventually stop screaming and listen) that you are going to give her, say, five licks for the original offense and an additional two licks for the fit. Slowly apply the five licks, counting out loud. When I say slowly, I mean with a thirty second gap between each lick and a calm explanation to the screaming child that you are not the least impressed except that you are going to spank harder and she still gets the additional two licks plus one more for her ongoing screaming. When you have finally arrived at five well- anticipated and carefully counted licks, say, “OK, your spanking is over; that is the five licks you got for hitting your brother, but now I must give you two more for trying to run away.” Give her one lick and say, “Now, that is one of the licks for running away; you have one more coming.” Give the second lick, and then calmly and slowly explain that all her licks are over now, except for the one additional lick she incurred for continuing to scream during the spanking. After you have finished, tell her that you are going to let her up now, if she stops screaming, otherwise you are going to give her one additional lick. If she stops, or at least makes a great effort to, then you have won. You may never have to go through this horrible time again. But, if she is continuing to scream in defiance, you have the option of continuing to warn and spank, or of ceasing here with a parting warning: “Next time you better not run and throw a fit; for if you do, you will only get more licks and harder ones.” Finally, if you are not going to be consistent, give up now; don’t trouble yourself or torment the child by spanking her nine times and then giving in on the tenth time. Children are amazing in the memory and ability to endure spankings, waiting for that one moment of weakness to show through again. If you occasionally allow their fits to win the prize, like a gambler they will play the game all night, even when they are losing, because they know winning is possible. It’s worth it. After about three days of absolute consistency on your part, you can initially conform a child to your will. They just have to be convinced that you are not the old negotiator. You are Iron Woman; The Indomitable. It’s the loving thing to do. Debi Answers Dear Kim Every child has their way of controlling their parents. One child will hold his breath and pass out, while another will hit his head against the wall or pinch himself. As we read in another letter, the little girl’s wild fits seem to do the trick in controlling her mama. For the fit-pitcher we suggest that you, mama, slow down. When she starts pitching her wild fit, just hold her, talking all the time about how she needs to learn self-control and how silly she is acting. Explain to her as you hold her down that she will get 1 or 2 more licks every time she acts wild. While holding her tell her you are going to give her another lick in 2 minutes and give a running commentary on the time that remains; then tell her it will be 3 more minutes before the next lick. It will be an extremely trying, tiring, terrible time, but she will get the idea and she will also exhaust herself. The object in life is to teach our children self-control. All self-control is tied together, whether it is in their emotional response, their eating habits, or anger. In order for a child to become a balanced individual, teaching them self-control is close to the top of the list. The 3-year-old little girl’s pitiful stance is also working to control her mama and daddy. It is important to never allow your face to show concern over the scared look, but have a set rule of the number of licks she receives for certain offenses and one extra for looking pitiful. Too much rebuke (yaky-yak) provokes a child to wrath and steals all joy. A hard fast lick or two, a short admonishment, and then let it go and cheer up is the best training tool. Mike and Debi Pearl

Fear of Bees

Michael Pearl — Mon, 15 Apr 2002 11:00:36 +0000

Dear Pearls,
Please Help. My 3-year-old has developed a fear of bees. One day a few flew close to her head and scared her. She was so scared that night that she would not go near her bed. She seemed to be over it until a few nights ago when she started to cry and scream saying she heard and saw bees in her room. She has done this several nights straight and we made the mistake of letting her sleep on the couch and I sat beside her until she went to sleep. I believe she is really scared but at the same time she is probably working herself up some to get attention. Do we make her stay in bed and cry it out?
Thank you. R.

Mike Responds
It is not a case of either catering to her fears on the one hand or of abandoning her to her fears on the other. First, consider the fact that she did not come by this fear naturally. She has never experienced bee stings. There have never been any bees in her room. The fear first expressed itself when several bees only flew close to her. She does not fear butterflies that fly close; why bees? Somehow on your watch she developed this inordinate fear. I would ask you two questions as a way of getting to the root. Of what have you expressed an inordinate fear? Have you warned her against insects and showed fear yourself? Fears like this are learned from adults. What television movie did she see that had attacking, stinging creatures in it? Children can’t tell the difference between a make-believe drama and the real thing. Fear of one creature can be transferred to fear of another.
Regardless of how she came by her fear, the manner of delivering her from it will be the same. Fear is never overcome by fleeing from the source. It is overcome by facing the fear and standing up to it. When fear is a result of misinformation or ignorance, the answer lies in knowing the truth.
I would not force her to deal with this fear alone. Fears are caused by association and conditioning. Fears are purged by the same means. Expose her to bees in a fashion that will defuse the situation. Get a video or book that shows a colony of bees. Discuss how they make honey and how the queen-bee makes more bees. Sit in the yard with her, close to flowers where bees come to gather pollen, and discuss in wonder and appreciation the beauty of what God has made. Slowly get closer and closer to the bees to desensitize her to them. Discuss with her the fact that bees do not want to sting you unless you are bothering their hive, or if you step on one and hurt it. Then emphasize the fact that if a bee does sting you it is not all that bad. With slow and controlled exposure to bees, she will lose her fear.
Once she is comfortable around bees in the yard, it is time to stop catering to her fears in the house. Place her in the bed and leave her there. If she claims that there are bees in her room, put her in an uncomfortable room to sleep—one that is further from yours. Put her down on a towel on the laundry room floor, or in the kitchen. If the alternative is not pleasant, she will be glad to stay in her room. Do not reward her fears by cuddling her and allowing her to dominate your time and presence. If she is really afraid, the laundry room is a nice, safe place. If she is just working herself up in order to gain attention, then nothing will satisfy her but special treatment.
When you have assured yourself that she has been conditioned out of her fear of bees, you will not be in danger of being controlled by feigned fear.
Michael Pearl

The Will To Dominate

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Aug 2000 11:00:12 +0000

The following article deals with a very important subject that we have touched on before but never discussed in detail—a child’s will to dominate. I chose this letter because it so clearly represents the many letters we receive. Though this mother has a good attitude and represents her responses as calm and controlled, she has failed to properly train. She is perplexed because her younger daughter is not so dominant. She feels there is something different about this one. All children occasionally manifest a will to dominate, but only a few are as intense as this child. Things can get out of hand in a hurry. I underlined portions of her letter to draw your attention to key statements that reveal the child’s attitude. I know this article is going to liberate many of you from uncertainties that have kept you from being firm and forceful with your little dictators. I have also given practical solutions for eradicating this diabolical will to dominate.

Dear Michael and Debi, Our daughter Sue is almost four. She has been a handful right from birth. In the hospital nursery they had to keep her in a separate room because her screaming disrupted the other babies! The hospital nursery workers told my husband that we were going to have our hands full. Sue never wanted to be cuddled until she was sick for the first time at 8 months of age. She wouldn’t even let us take her hand to show her things, even pat-a-cake! Sue was frustrated (and still is) about everything. frustrated that she couldn’t roll, mad that she couldn’t sit, furious that she couldn’t walk or talk. We didn’t help matters by always putting her to sleep by means of walking, rocking, or nursing. Consequently, she never learned patience. We always went to her or picked her up with the first whimper, since we knew it would soon turn into a full blown, purple faced, raging fit. She had a temper. Finally at eleven months of age we began proper and consistent training, and when she turned one she at last began sleeping through the night. When I asked her to put up her toys, she would throw the toys the other way, even after I would make a fun game of it, doing most of it myself. Or sometimes she would pick one item up as slow as a turtle, or place the toy on the edge of the bucket, so more often than not it would fall out, not in. And yes, after a long time of working on the cleanup concept, I’m sure I applied pressure – nothing ever got cleaned up! She’s still the same, picking up items with her feet or mouth, or going on to play with something else when I leave the room. Funny how her sister Ruth was taught the same way, and right from the start she loved putting things in buckets, and is a wonderful cleanupper. Sue is the same if I ask her to put her sandals on and go collect the chicken eggs. She puts her boots on instead. I’ll say, "No Sue, your sandals." So she puts her sandals on backwards. I’ll say, "No Sue, put them on properly," and she’ll put them on and run out, only to take them off when she gets outside. When I realize she hasn’t returned with the eggs, I look out and see her sandals are off her feet and she is playing in the mud. I finally had to take away the privilege of collecting eggs, adding it to my responsibilities. Staying in bed has been an issue since the 2nd week after we put her in a big bed. The novelty wore off and she realized her freedom, even though she understood the rules – no getting out of bed unless she calls and asks. Nap time and bedtime became spanking time. Off the bed she would come 2, 4, 10, 20 or more times! When we couldn’t take her bottom getting another spanking, we began to look for other penalties. If she got off the bed, we put her in the playpen (the crib was then occupied by her baby sister). She hated that, and would throw a fit and a half. She quickly learned how to climb out of the playpen. We finally took down her big bed and let her sleep on the floor. Now that little brother has arrived, Sue and Ruth share a room. Ruth, who never questioned our authority about when it was time to go to bed, and who would be breathing heavily in less than five minutes, now jumps off the bed along with Sue. Sue will also call out many, many times, keeping herself and us up until nearly 10:00 some nights. We make sure all needs are met before lights are out (potty, drink of water, read a Bible story, tucked in, one song while I rub backs, a few more minutes of ‘talk about’ if it’s not too late, and send daddy in one more time). Then the games begin. She wants more water. We say no. She wants a teddy bear or doll. She wants to talk some more. She wants another hug. She wants her back rubbed again. She wants more kisses or hugs. She wants to blow us kisses. The problem is, we have found that if we deny her any of the things she requests, and she goes to sleep on a bad note, like if we spank her for anything, she wakes screaming in the middle of the night, demanding the one thing we denied her before putting her to bed. This literally went on for weeks. Lack of sleep was affecting everyone. We warned her before bed not to wake everyone up in the night or she would be spanked the next morning. That did not faze her. If she goes to sleep on a good note, with no spanking, then there is no problem in the middle of the night. But we can’t give her everything she demands at all hours of the night. Sibling rivalry is another issue. Sue is selfish to the extreme, and very mean to her sister. She ‘bugs’ her sister all the time, which warrants a spanking, and she usually takes advantage of the times I am nursing her brother. (He was on oxygen and monitors for a long while and so was used to nursing in a quiet room – now if I try it in any other location, he refuses. He also has to be upright after feeding so I can’t just lay him down and go chastise her during his feeding.) She knows she will be punished, but enjoys the moment to it’s fullest. Her behavior during spanking is difficult as well. I will ask her if she knows why she’s going to get a spanking, and she will say, "for being mean to Ruth." Then when I spank her she will flail, arch, and start SCREAMING, "huggie, huggie, huggie," over and over. I’ve told her before that when she’s ready to hug to stand up and come get one, so I now consider this screaming a form of talking back and I spank her again and again and again. We go through this every time. It is a very tiring day. Now, this whole letter has begun to sound as if we have WWIII going on in our home constantly. Admittedly, my husband often comments that Sue may be only a skinny little 30 pounds, but when she wakes in the morning in a foul mood, the whole family is completely affected the rest of the day. She can be a real sweetie, saying "Mama, you’re the best!" Or in the middle of brushing her teeth she’ll stop and give me a hug, or she’ll put a whole bunch of toys together into a bag and give me her "present." She is so easily distracted, and most times her behavior is not necessarily out and out disobedience. Yes, there is a standard that she has to meet, but spankings don’t seem to change her behavior. She even has missed out on numerous family outings. If she throws a fit, we do not allow her to go with us, but take her to my mother to keep. When we return, she acts indifferent and boasts of what a swell time SHE had. This letter has become quite lengthy. I have been "Rambling" a bit myself. Sue has so much energy, a short attention span, a wicked temper, and a very strong will, and it all manifests itself in a disregard for rules. We thought that by age four we wouldn’t need to spank nearly so often. But instead of decreasing, the instances have increased! Can you offer any suggestions?

Michael discusses the letter This mother said of her daughter, "She has been a handful right from birth." She tends to think her child’s problems are not learned but rather inherited. She continues, "She never wanted to be cuddled." There are many physical reasons why a newborn may be very uncomfortable, in pain even, from being touched. Originally, the screaming may have had a physical cause. However, the physical problems will remedy themselves in time, but the attitude that she developed while in that state of discomfort is not a product of genetics or a birth condition. Pain doesn’t make a child selfish and mean, but it can provide an opportunity for selfishness to grow. Note: this mother called her one-year-old daughter’s actions "temper." She may have begun life with some kind of discomfort, but eleven months later, her anger was a learned habit. She said that when she "asked her to put up her toys, she would throw the toys the other way," or "she would pick one item up as slow as a turtle, or place the toy on the edge of the bucket, so more often than not it would fall out, not in." The actions of this child cannot be explained in terms of personality. She had developed a willfulness to defy authority. Her slow "obedience" was a deliberate statement that, though they had the power to force compliance, they did not have jurisdiction over her soul. This mother said her daughter is "still the same, picking up items with her feet or mouth, or going on to play with something else when I leave the room." By picking up items with her feet or mouth, she was technically obeying while proving her independence. It was symbolic obedience, designed to avoid the crises of disobedience, while at the same time making a statement of defiance. She said, "Her sister Ruth was taught the same way, and right from the start she loved putting things in buckets, and is a wonderful cleanupper." It is true that one child will be born with a personality that is more social and group minded, while another from the same family will be more independent in nature. When a mare has two colts, one may be wild and full of spunk, hard to break, while the other may follow its master around like a dog. Both of them can be broken to the saddle, but with different techniques. If a trainer uses the same methods on both horses, he may train the compliant horse, while making a rebel of the spunky one. Another trainer, using a more overriding technique, may train the spunky horse while crushing the spirit of the gentle-natured horse. All children are different. You may have four that are gentle and one that likes to jump fences and investigate the unknown. The more independent natured horses are more likely to ‘go bad’ if they are not handled correctly. If the gentle horses ‘go bad’ it is not so obvious because they don’t jump fences and kick you. They just stand with their heads down, afraid to enjoy themselves. Ruth is gentle in nature while Sue is independent, but we expect a good attitude and complete obedience from both of them. Here is where it gets interesting. Mother said, "If I ask her to put her sandals on and go collect the chicken eggs, she puts her boots on instead. I’ll say, ‘No Sue – your sandals.’ So she puts her sandals on backwards. I’ll say, ‘No Sue, put them on properly,’ and she’ll put them on and run out, only to take them off when she gets outside. When I realize she hasn’t returned with the eggs, I look out and see her sandals are off her feet and she is playing in the mud." Again, what you are seeing is a will to dominate. Sue is consumed with the joys of independent action. She is exhilarated by defying authority. We are seeing the heart of a rebel. It is not as if she had a preference for backward shoes. She will always choose the opposite side of an issue. She wants conflict, because only in conflict can she prove her independence. She wants to do the opposite because that is who she has decided to be. When Sue would not stay in bed, Mother removed the bed and let her sleep on the floor. Sue won the battle. Every time she sleeps on the floor she knows that her spirit has not been broken. Mother is the one that broke. Her parents gave up. They couldn’t win the battle of the bed, so not trusting their own authority, they disposed of the game. "Ha, weak, spineless parents; they can’t tell me what to do!" That ‘fit and a half’ is just a tool to intimidate her parents. Mother said, "We make sure all needs are met before lights are out. (potty, drink of water, read a Bible story, tucked in, one song while I rub backs, a few more minutes of ‘talk about’ if it’s not too late, and send daddy in one more time. Then the games begin. She wants more water. We say no. She wants a teddy bear or doll. She wants to talk some more. She wants another hug. She wants her back rubbed again. She wants more kisses or hugs. She wants to blow us kisses. The problem is, we have found that if we deny her any of the things she requests, and she goes to sleep on a bad note, like if we spank her for anything, she wakes screaming in the middle of the night, demanding the one thing we denied her before putting her to bed. " She was correct in calling it a game. Sue is not thirsty or lonely or needing to go potty. She is seeking one last symbolic victory before going to bed. If I read this home correctly, she is not starved for affection or approval. She is not suffering from "low self-esteem." She is enjoying the conquest. She knows where her sensitive mother is vulnerable, where she is more likely to feel guilt, to feel the need to comply. How can she refuse one more hug, one more kind word? She has her mother where she is most tender. Her actions say, "Don’t be a bad mother, prove that you love me by doing what I want. I am just a poor, thirsty child about to go to bed dehydrated. I just need to hear your compliant voice one more time before I go to sleep. I need a token of obeisance before you turn the lights out on my kingdom. Prove your loyalty and my worth one more time, and then my ego will be big enough to cradle me until morning." It is a game of tug-of-wills. Games are played for the sake of playing. If Sue cannot win the prize, then it is enough to know that she fought a good fight, that she went down swinging. It is horrible in its implications, that when her parents force compliance, she goes to sleep with that defeat brewing in her soul, and that she wakes in the night with renewed zeal to revive the battle and establish her dominance. Even should she lose the battle, the fact that she woke her parents and stirred their anger gives her a satisfaction that she is still alive, still vital, still autonomous, supreme in her independence. Mother said, "Sibling rivalry is another issue. Sue is selfish to the extreme, and very mean to her sister." Extreme selfishness is not only valuing self above others; it is viewing others as material to be spent and wasted for one’s own entertainment. Mother said, "She ‘bugs’ her sister all the time, which warrants a spanking, and she usually takes advantage of the times I am nursing her brother (he was on oxygen and monitors for a long while and so was used to nursing in a quiet room – now if I try it in any other location, he refuses. He also has to be upright after feeding so I can’t just lay him down and go chastise her during his feeding). On a side note to this mother: By catering to your son’s sensitivity, nursing him where and how he is comfortable, you are allowing him to dictate the terms under which he will be happy. Wean him from his demands for solitude. If you don’t, he will follow in Sue’s footsteps. The way to re-condition him is to go to your secluded place and leave the door open so as to make him a little uncomfortable, but not enough to prevent him from nursing. Every time you nurse him, introduce just a little more noise and confusion until he finds himself nursing while you are singing and jogging. It will work. What you condition a child into, you can condition him out of. Mother said, "She knows she will be punished, but enjoys the moment to it’s fullest." I know prisoners that will hit a guard, knowing that they are going to have their sentences lengthened, spend time in solitary confinement, lose privileges, have their parole date put off, and possibly get a beating as well. Why do they do it, knowing the suffering it will cost them? Because at that moment there is nothing more important in the universe than "showing this punk guard that I will not take this off nobody." That attitude started before 12 months of age, and no one was ever big enough to stand up to him. When Sue interrupts a spanking, crying "huggie," it is nothing more than a ploy to stop her immediate suffering. At some time in the past, this diversion worked, and she keeps trying to use it, hoping it will work again. She is appealing to motherly instincts—engaging in psychological warfare, a way whereby she can gain the upper hand in the contest. She is seeking to redefine the issues by focusing on mother’s feelings rather than her own disobedience. In the case where a kid is truly broken and contrite, and the child approaches you for reassurance, the hug would be appropriate, but not when it is used as a diversion. I did not hug my kids after spanking them. I didn’t want to confuse the issue. Spanking is a time when you are rejecting an attitude or behavior, not a time to confer a reward. I had no fear of communicating rejection, for I spent 100 minutes smiling into the face of my child for every one minute that I spent disapproving of him. Don’t confuse the issue by trying to do two things at the same time. Spank your child. Then tell her to dry it up. And with no show of emotion, tell her to get back to what she was suppose to be doing to begin with. It is all over in thirty seconds. No trips to the bedroom—no special, emotional sessions. When they do something lovely, then you can love them. She said that Sue "can be a real sweetie, saying ‘Mama, you’re the best!’ Or in the middle of brushing her teeth she’ll stop and give me a hug, or she’ll put a whole bunch of toys together into a bag and give me her ‘present.’" Children that have a will to dominate do not always seek confrontation. They can appreciate love and peace just like anyone else. It is just when you cross the child’s will, or when the demon of dominance (speaking figuratively) takes her that she is compelled to crush all contenders. A foul mood is animosity. It is a rejection and condemnation of others. In short, it is hatred and anger. Mother said, "She even has missed out on numerous family outings. If she throws a fit, we do not allow her to go with us, but take her to my mother to keep. When we return, she acts indifferent and boasts of what a swell time SHE had." Her ‘act’ of indifference is just another way of robbing her parents of winning the contest, or it is a way of professing to have won by claiming to have had a better time than she would have had if she had gone with them. She sees that it hurts them and she enjoys the appearance of control, even in the midst of defeat. What motivates her? When we see this nearly four-year-old child exhibiting bizarre defiance, our first thought is, Why? What is in her mind when she puts her sandals on backwards? It seems so pointless. What motivates her to be antisocial? Why antagonize her mother, who’s approval she must value? We could understand if she was trying to avoid some difficult responsibility or gain some secret pleasure. Deviant behavior makes sense if it is driven by a desire to eat forbidden fruit, but who wants to drink water when you are not thirsty, or get up out of bed so you can get another spanking? Why create your own misery? In criminal cases, the prosecutor must first establish a motive, for no one acts without sufficient cause. Was it passion, greed, lust? What did the perpetrator hope to gain? When the one known to have committed a crime has no motive, the authorities consider him mentally ill. A sound mind will always choose the path of pleasure, passion, or profit. His trail may be twisted and evil, but it can always be explained in terms of self-gratification—except in the case of the psychopathic and children like Sue. She will sabotage any parental attempt to introduce control and reason. It is as if everything was wired backwards. Not all children are like this, but there are enough of them to make birth control popular and to keep the pharmaceutical companies wealthy selling Ritalin. This concerned and perplexed mother is not alone. We receive hundreds of letters describing conditions identical to Sue’s. Disciples of the New World Order line up to drug their children into oblivion, while Christian parents are lining up to get the devils cast out of their kids. I could wish the problems were as simple as demon possession. The Christian family can rid their children of devils in a thirty second prayer. But if this deviant behavior we see in children like Sue is a manifestation of their own character, then the fall of Adam is still in progress, and parents have a front row seat to ongoing depravity. Defiance itself The only factor common to all her weird acts of defiance is defiance itself. She seeks to dominate because that is where her greatest pleasure lies. Sue finds pleasure in standing crossways to the will of others. She is on a quest for sovereignty—to be the supreme potentate. She will not make the compromises necessary to be a part of society. She has set herself against the rules of group cooperation. She seeks to live beyond authority. The original sin Lucifer was the first one to take independent action. The Bible speaks of his motive: "I will ascend up; I will exalt my throne above the stars of God (above other angels and cherubim); I will be like the most high (be like God) (Isaiah 14:14)." The original sin was not committed by Adam. It was committed by Lucifer, the cherub. He developed a will to dominate, to control, to call the shots, to direct not only his affairs, but the affairs of others. He wanted to be sovereign. Lucifer (now known as Satan) was disembodied and cast down to the earth (then called Eden) before Adam and Eve were created. (Is. 14:12-15; Ezek. 28:13-17; Job 38:7; Luke 10:17; Rev. 12:9) He knows that he will end in the fires of hell. He has no hope of winning, yet he still seeks symbolic victories. With defeat certain, he seeks gestures of defiance. He wants to express his rebellion in tokens of contempt. Satan finds pleasure in the knowledge that he is not giving God the pleasure of supremacy. In his twisted thinking, his very existence, every defiant thought and act of noncompliance, is a denial of the sovereignty of God. In that alone he finds meaning and purpose. There can be no ultimate pleasure for Satan, so he lives for the immediate pleasure of reveling in his own autonomy, in defiance of God. Seeing this, we can understand why "God prepared hell for the devil and his angels." So, who is to blame? Who is at fault? Did Sue’s parents bring her to this, or is it the fault of something that occurred on the theological battleground before she was born—the fault of God? Did she inherit this behavior? You will be in step with current trends if you label her behavior as "the sins of the parents visited on the children." When we mortals are called to account for our stewardship, we are prone to pass the blame. To hear Christians explain their failures, either Adam is to blame, the devil, or my "sinful nature." I am a victim. My child is a victim. We are helpless. To be known as psychologically astute you must not demand anything of your child or yourself, for, according to trends, we are capable of nothing but toleration and compassion. This concept has been prevalent in all generations, but our day could be called "The Age of the Victim." Likewise, in this era of "science," everything, including behavior, can be explained in terms of chemicals, genetics, predispositions, personality types, in short—a sort of cosmic fate. No one is responsible. So the politically correct approach is to either ignore bad behavior or sedate it with chemicals. But this mother does not subscribe to a philosophy or theology that leaves her helpless. Though she is perplexed as to what she should do, she knows that there are answers, things she can do that will purge her daughter of this diabolical will to dominate. How and Why Even before Adam and Eve sinned, the element in their natures that drew them to disobedience was a desire for pleasure—the pleasure of taste, the pleasure of sight, and the pleasure of mental ascendancy. God created us with a desire for pleasure, something that is an essential part of his nature. God seeks the pleasure of his own will. Pleasure in any form is the elementary motivation of the human heart. We think of pleasure as primarily physical or sensual, but there is also pleasure of the mind, the spirit, and the emotions. The third aspect of Eve’s temptation was an appeal to her desire for the pleasure of knowing, of being on the inside, of ascending by means of the power of knowledge. It was not her desire for pleasure that was evil. Eve sinned because she sought pleasure without regard to duty. God placed the pleasure seeking parts of Adam and Eve under the control of their spirits and minds. Their volitional part determined just which pleasure they would ultimately value—the pleasure of existing in fellowship with God, under his authority, or the pleasure of independent, self-centered action. Eve chose the lower road of personal sovereignty and independent action. Children recapitulate the fall of Adam and Eve in their own quests for pleasure. Pleasure and Pain During those first weeks, Sue became conscious of the pleasure of her existence. Infants know only pleasure and pain—the pain of being hungry, and the pleasure of nursing; the pain of being sleepy, and the pleasure of a quiet room and soft blanket; the pain of a wet diaper, and the pleasure of having mother change it. At first Sue found all of her pleasure in having her bodily needs met, but in a few days, as she nursed and satisfied her hunger, she came to view the act itself as pleasurable. When her tummy ached and mother burped her, she came to enjoy being held and cooed. Life opened up and she discovered the world was a wonderful place to excite not only the senses, but the mind and spirit as well. Her drives were all instinctive. She was incapable of any sense of responsibility or duty. Her only value was pleasure for the sake of its inherent satisfaction. As she experienced the gratification of having her physical and emotional needs met, she developed wants as well—things that weren’t essential but felt good all the same. To her, there was no distinction. During those early months, parents cannot make any distinction either, and by the time they do, it is far past the time to begin training. Parents live to serve the child, and the child lives to be served. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement. It is when parents allow the child to stay on the throne too long that problems occur. The Contest Begins When Sue was just weeks old, because her parents rushed to meet her every need, she developed a conviction that the world owed her constant pleasure, and that her parents were there to serve her. But there were times when she was cold or hungry, and her parents were unaware of her needs, or for some reason they failed to act immediately. At such times she responded as any human or animal would; she expressed discomfort through body language and whining noises. Her parents did what is natural for parents; they rushed to satisfy the needs (and wants) of their helpless infant. Since the whining brought a favorable response, she very quickly realized that she had control over those people meeting her needs. The whining was adopted as a form of communication. Why not? Parents understood it and responded favorably. In time, whining lost some of its power, so she increased its intensity until it became screaming fits, which worked even better. Wow! She had the power to manipulate her parents. So her communication took on a more demanding and belligerent tone. She was pragmatic. If it works, use it. If it feels good, do it. And all this by her first birthday! It was at this time that Sue’s parents started training her. Not too late to train, but certainly too late to start. The roots of domination When Sue got a little older, her parents lost some of that instinctual tolerance that parents have for their helpless infants. They became increasingly dissatisfied with her intimidating aggression. They kept thinking she would grow out of it, but instead she perfected her techniques. Having decided she was old enough to be disciplined, they started resisting her demands. But Sue did not want to give up her throne, so she intensified the use of tools that had always been effective—"fits and a half." Sometimes she got her way and sometimes she lost the battle. But she found her occasional victory-of-the-wills to be a great pleasure, because at the end of the battle she obtained the indulgence she desired. Symbolic victories But it didn’t stop there. Originally the war-of-the-wills occurred over issues of indulgence. The child wanted to eat, stay awake, put her shoes on, take her shoes off, not eat a certain thing, etc. Parents had one view and the child had another. But after winning enough battles, Sue developed an addiction to the heady sensations of sovereignty. She found great mental satisfaction in using other people to serve her wants. It made her drunk with power to stand against what she knew to be the greatest force in the universe—her parents. Note carefully. Here is the final step that brought Sue to where we find her in this letter. She now seeks symbolic victories over her parents—over all authority. She will take a position for no other reason than that it is the opposite of her parents’, thus enabling her to experience the exhilaration of the fight, with the only prize being the title of winner. Sue now seeks opportunities to score victories over her parents. She finds pleasure in humbling them, in taking the wind out of their sails; just to win the contest of wills, to prove her prowess, to demonstrate her autonomy, to be her own person, to know that no one can make her bend or bow—what joy unspeakable and full of power! The seed of sin This was the third aspect of Eve’s temptation—to be like the gods, to know good and evil without making any judgments. The Apostle John calls it "the pride of life." Originally it was just a child’s desire for pleasure, but not any more. It is now something much worse. This child’s desire for pleasure has now mutated into a desire to dominate. This will to dominate is amazing in its strength, profound in its dedication and consistency, and evil in its disregard for the needs of others. We have discovered the soil in which the seed of sin is germinated. When the will to dominate grows up When tyrants grow up, they learn to control their inclinations in situations where they could embarrass themselves or loose their jobs or friends. The shameful thing is that when they go home, out of the public eye, they take out their need to dominate on their families. Most marital problems are rooted in the fact that one or both parties are trying to dominate the other. Women, normally thought of as more passive than men, are just as prone to have a will to dominate, but, due to their inferior physical statue, their tactics are more subtle than Sue’s. They will use weakness, bitterness, or emotional intimidation as a lever to control others. Reclaiming your authority Now for some answers. As Christian parents, we do not want our children to grow up belligerent and controlling. We are not content to wait until social concerns cause them to redirect their aggressions. We see it as a heart problem that needs to be treated at the root. In one word, I am going to give you the basic principle that will lead to banishing this disease of dominance—WIN—because that is the rule by which the child is playing. When the child decided to be confrontational and challenge your authority, it was for the purpose of winning a game. When you win, the child looses, and the game ceases to be fun. There is no pleasure for the child in always loosing. A gambler is compelled to gamble as long as there is hope of winning. Addiction is kept alive by the hope of an occasional win. If a gambler suffered the misery of losing his savings, home, car, job, family, health, and honor, he would still gamble, because even in losing, his senses are brought to a pitch of keenness and vitality. He finds pleasure in the game, whether he wins or loses, as long as there is hope of winning. However, if he knew that the table was rigged so that he could never win, it would instantly purge him of his compulsion, because there would be no game, no suspense, no risk, and no possibility of the thrill of winning. Gambling at that table would become as dull as the lawnmower blade. Addiction Sue’s addiction to dominance is as strong as any addiction to heroin, alcohol, pornography, or gambling. Lust seeks opportunity. The possibility of opportunity keeps lust simmering on the front burner. This mother said that spanking was just not working. Just as the gambler will lose time after time, yet ignore the pain and press on in hopes of a better day, so a child will suffer the pain of spanking time after time, in hopes of winning the blessed reward of dominance the next time—or maybe the next. If Sue became convinced that there was no game and no chance of winning, that there would never be the "thrill of victory," only "the agony of defeat," she would drop the game and go where she could find true pleasure. Peace on earth, good will toward men Leftwing dogma would advocate turning the other cheek. They would advise us to give the child everything she wants, and when she is bloated with her personal expressions, she will normalize. But the Jungs, Darwins, and Deweys are ready in the wings with drugs in the event their social experimentations don’t work. If their promiscuous approach to child development fails, they have reserved the privilege of labeling the child as a victim of a brain disorder. If you leave a child to function as if his independence and dominance were a viable option, you are not loving the child; you are allowing him to march blindly into certain destruction—not to mention the harm he causes to others along the way. Sue has adopted a false worldview. It is a narrow, blind, and selfish endeavor that offers false hope and empty pleasure. To allow her to continue on this path without meeting a greater power is to allow her to continue to believe a lie that will damn her soul. Those who set aside goodwill and adopt a will to dominate are enemies of God and of the fellowship of humanity. Fear God and the king When adults or children choose the wrong path they must be brought to repentance. Modern, Christian psychology with its feather-pillow tactics will not work. Sue and other children like her need to come smack dab up against the fear of God. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. Jesus said, "I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him (Luke 12:5)." Modern Christianity has had the fear of God driven out of it by counselors, motivational preachers, praise music, and Christian bookstores. Sue is too young to fear God, but properly placed fear is essential to mental and spiritual health. Sue needs to fear her parents as Christians fear God. I am not talking about fear of a spanking, nor fear of their presence, but rather, she should fear the authority they command. When the rod fails Dear Mother, as we said, you cannot depend on spanking Sue into compliance. Do not fail to spank, but don’t expect it to work until you have made some other adjustments. And when you do spank, make sure that it is forceful enough to get her undivided attention. If she can scream "huggie" while you are spanking her, you are probably not spanking hard enough. Do not allow 15 seconds to lapse between the offense and the spanking. And do not allow more than 10 feet between the place of the offense and the place of spanking. The association is essential. Don’t hug her in reference to the spanking. That is an apology, and it is a diversion from the issues. Again, spanking will not be the deciding factor, but it will help keep the pressure on. The Key to Victory The key is to cut off all her attempts to sabotage your authority. When she draws a line and sets herself against your command, never, I say never, allow her to win. She is looking for opportunities to prove her independence and sovereignty. You need to look for opportunities to demonstrate your sovereign governorship. She must be thwarted by a superior power. So far, she has been stronger than you. When you tighten up, she will bear down with her most defiant anger and hostility. Out of desperation, she will try every trick that has ever worked. You do not have to win the battle all at once. You just have to win every contest she throws at you. A plan Put the bed back in her room. Explain to her that she is going to sleep in it all night. Make a list of things you will do before bedtime. Each evening, check off the list with her, and when it is concluded there will be no more repeats. This list will be helpful because you have been allowing her to set the agenda spontaneously, whereas by writing it down, you are making her aware that you have an agenda from which you will not vary, and it is her responsibility to do the conforming. Place a glass of water in her room, and also a little potty. Let her watch the clock with you. When the hand gets to the bedtime hour, you will kiss her good night and leave the room. Do not answer any more questions, and do not respond except with a switch, in the event she breaks any of the rules. If she gets up to potty, there had better be yellow liquid in the pot, or she gets another switching. Do not threaten to spank her until she stops crying. For some children that would work, but you do not want to challenge her to a contest that you cannot win. She may be able to tolerate the pain longer than you can tolerate giving it. Once she outcries the switch, she will keep on doing so, stretching her endurance longer and longer each time. You can harden a child to your ultimatums by allowing her to win the switching-or-else contest. The point is to win any objective contests she initiates. You can’t make her stop crying, but you can stand over her and make sure she does not get out of the bed. You don’t have to spank excessively. Your goal is to get her to "voluntarily" return to the bed. You can get an intercom and mount it high on the wall so you can hear everything that goes on in her room. Don’t let her know that her room is bugged. If you can’t get the intercom, you may have to sleep outside her room. If she gets out of bed, go in there, and without saying a word, give her one or two licks—whatever it takes to get her back in bed. If she rushes to obey when she hears you coming, give her five licks anyway. Do not drag her to the bed. It is important that she exercise her own will to obey. If she throws a screaming fit, give her several moderate licks every few minutes and wait beside her until she is so tired she obeys. Do this all night long, every night, until she readily complies. If she puts her shoes on backwards, do not threaten or complain, just commence giving her licks right on her feet or ankles until she gets her shoes on the right feet. If she takes her shoes off in the yard, do not warn her, just go out in the yard and spank her feet until she finds her shoes and puts them back on. Now above all, to make this effective, you must always maintain the dignity of a judge. You cannot be stressed or emotionally upset. She has been winning the emotional battle—a field you must conquer if you are to win the larger game. Pretend to be indifferent to her suffering at the end of the switch. You must always be calm and deliberate. Lastly, you should reward all good behavior with lots of smiles and participation. Spend time enjoying her when she is in a state of goodwill. Try to keep her in a state of fellowship and participation at all times. Make it difficult for her to turn against the pleasure of fellowship and to sink into a bad mood. Fellowship When you take away a twisted pleasure, like the will to dominate, give her something to replace it. Fellowship and group cooperation is a powerfully stabilizing factor. Don’t allow your child to get bored. Be sure to wear a smile that comes from your heart. Look in your child’s face and show delight and satisfaction. Establish the child in a mental pleasure that is more pleasurable than the will to dominate. Consistency Be consistent. Repeat the former sentence 25 times and then diagram it.

One for the Money

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Jan 1997 12:15:38 +0000

When we travel, teaching seminars, Deb and I enjoy observing the many different families, each with it’s own unique personality. The personality of a family is as distinct as that of an individual. The parent who has the most influence in the home cultivates the family into his/her image. Some families are joyous and enthusiastic, while others are somber and stern. Some are thin skinned, quick to take offense to those inside or outside the family circle, while others are confident and secure, enjoying a continual by-play, never having their feelings hurt, believing the best of every situation. Some feel the path through life is one of struggle and suffering, while others sing their way through. This past week in Texas, we renewed acquaintance with a family we met about a year ago. The father is tall and angular. His crew cut hair reveals a bony head reflecting nearly as much light as his face. It would take a plastic surgeon to remove his smile, and then there wouldn’t be anything left but his muscular neck. His wife is equally joyous. She seems to be having a lot of fun being a wife and parent. They appear to be below any income bracket, and couldn’t care less. The wife spoke with me when he was not around. She was proud of her man. Their children were animated. They told several tales about how they dealt with problems that had arisen between the children. Their solutions were so creative, I wished I had thought of them first. Their little girl (I think they said, four years old) was terribly afraid of the roaches sharing their humble dwelling. She would scream and try to flee, only to run into a creepy creature on the other end of the house. No amount of encouragement could relieve her of fear, but the father’s sense of humor and creativity prevailed. He conceived of a way to rid the home of roaches, at less cost and danger than by an exterminator, and to occupy his energetic boys. He simply put a bounty on the roaches. The boys’ hunter instincts, coupled with a touch of the entrepreneur, turned them into crawling safari men. As the roach population diminished, the boys were becoming independently wealthy. After all, the wealth of a country is its natural resources. Day after day the little sister stood quietly watching the boys counting their pennies and bragging about their exploits. The stack of pennies grew higher and higher, yet there seemed to be no end to the terrible creatures. Then one day, watching the boys line their dead roaches up and receive their reward, the little girl said, “Hang this, I’m catching roaches!” So the timid little girl who couldn’t control her emotions gave the boys a run for their money as she scurried around under the furniture snatching up the crawling pennies. The moral to this story is that self-control is a matter of sufficient motivation.

The Folly of Fairness

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Jun 1996 11:00:24 +0000

By the time your children are ten to twelve years old, they should have developed the wisdom and skills necessary for good parenting. For several months now, our twelve-year-old daughter Shoshanna has been insisting that we address an issue that is disturbing to her. She finds this to be the most common problem of the small children she baby-sits. She sees the same traits in many of her own peers. She says, “Daddy, write and tell them that life is not fair.” There is a universal tendency to try to make life fair. “You had your turn, now it is mine.” “You already have two balls and I have none, so you should be fair and share with me.” “Daddy gave Johnny one, so Suzy should get one also.” We tend to think of legislated fairness as equality, when in fact it is inequality. This is so ingrained in us that we equate fairness with justice. The communist system is built on a principle of forced fairness. In contrast, the American system of government is based, ideally, on justice. Pure fairness is as unlikely and as undesirable as making all mountains the same height. It is unnatural and can only be achieved through forced injustice. When it is a rule handed down by “Big Brother” it will never be carried out with benevolence on the part of the one being stripped of his abundance, nor can it be received with thankfulness on the part of the one expecting legislated equality. Jesus gave a parable that speaks about fairness and our attitude toward it:

Matt. 20:1-15 1 For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard. 2 And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard. 3 And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, 4 And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way. 5 Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise. 6 And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle? 7 They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive. 8 So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first. 9 And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. 10 But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. 11 And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house, 12 Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day. 13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? 14 Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee. 15 Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?”

The men that had worked all day for the agreed price of one penny recognized it was not fair to pay the same penny to those who had worked only one hour. They began the day expecting only one penny for the full day’s labor. They had indeed been treated justly, but not fairly when compared to the others. Twice, the master of the vineyard said, “I will pay you what is right.” The unfairness of pay is nonetheless called “right.” When our children complain of unfairness, it is because they feel they should have received more in respect to what someone else has received, exactly as these men in the parable. The response of the employer—;typifying God—;was to define their desire for equality as “evil.” He vindicates his unequal actions by pointing out that it is lawful for one to do as he pleases with his own possessions. Their heart became evil when they coveted the increase of their neighbor. When children complain of inequality they are being covetous, as seen by the fact that they never complain when they are on the receiving end, only when they are left out. If the parents give in to this complaining, they are rewarding their children’s lust. To cater to this equality syndrome is also to convey a very false concept about life. In the real world, what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours. If my neighbor has three cars when I have none, I can expect to walk. If he gives me a ride, I will be thankful, but I do not feel it is his duty to share. If he were forced to share, it would be impossible for me to have gratitude toward him. Just this summer one of my younger daughters went canoeing with a visiting family of four teenagers. The youngest was a boy of thirteen. His mother, not having confidence that he could survive a spill in the swift water, told him to wear a life jacket. His three, older teenage sisters were not so required. On the way to the canoe rental, as they stopped for gas, the boy went inside and called his mother, complaining of the unfairness of his sisters not having to wear life jackets. The mother relented to his pitiful appeal and told him that since he had to endure the discomfort of a life jacket, they would have to also. After all, it was only fair. As they were preparing to leave the gas station, he came out gloating over his successful appeal to fairness. And parents wonder why their children don’t like each other! One of the girls got on the car phone and spoke to her mother about their distaste for wearing life jackets. The mother again relented and said that none of them had to wear a life jacket. So the kid got his way after all. His mother obviously felt that he needed the jacket to insure safety, but she was forced to step back from her better judgment based on an assumption of fairness and equality. If he had been my kid, every time he complained I would have put another life jacket on him until he looked like a giant, orange flower floating down the river. He would have had so much buoyancy that if he had fallen in the river he would’t have gotten wet. The next time I told him to wear a life jacket he would have put it on so fast that those watching would have looked around for a tidal wave. When the thirteen-year-old boy won the fairness contest over the life jackets, do you think his sisters and the others present found him endearing? Do your children like each other, Mom? This assumption that fairness is the “golden rule” seems to be universal. We see it on all sides. I noted an occasion when a mother was about to prevent her older teenage daughter from going with her peers because the younger sister was not also invited. The mother, finally allowing her older daughter to go, consoled the younger child by promising to take her someplace special to make up for the inequality. Again, it is common to hear a small child complain to his mother, “They ran off and left me.” The mother then scolds the older child, telling him to wait on his younger, slower brother. Does it cause the older boy to like the little brother who is allowed to cramp his more aggressive style of play? This indulgent demand for fairness begins at the earliest age. You can know you have already cultivated self-centeredness in your children when Grandma must buy gifts of equal value for each grandchild in order to keep feelings from being hurt. Trying to keep equal accounts, whether in things, privileges, or discipline, is not wise. It trains children to believe they have the right to weigh and balance, to demand equal share, or to veto the good fortune of another. They are turning selfishness into a childhood occupation. Evil covetousness is being rewarded. Parents are missing one of the greatest opportunities to teach their children to rejoice in the good fortune of another. The men of the parable who worked all day should have rejoiced that those who worked only one hour received as much as they. If they had been the one to work only one hour, they would have rejoiced. Their demand for fairness was pure covetousness. To give in to that demand is to cultivate your own “Entitlement Program.” It should never be our intentions to show favoritism, but circumstantial inequality is not only just but essential to the very foundations of individuality. Some are naturally tall, while others are short. Some are gifted in many areas, whereas others appear to be gifted in little. One farmer receives rain while another suffers drought. One is born into a family of opportunity while another is born into social bondage. One gets a promotion while another loses his job. Many run the race, but only one takes first place. Premeditated inequality, which is what occurred in the parable, is often most appropriate. The Bible tells us to value the other person above ourselves. That’s not equality. It’s inequality in favor of your neighbor. Remember, our goal for our children is not to make them happy by immediately gratifying their natural lusts; we want to build character. Children do not yet have a mature capacity to make wise value judgments. It would not be wise to provoke a child to wrath by deliberately showing preferential treatment. But it is equally unwise to seek equality by seeking to avoid inequality where it naturally occurs. For instance, if you are at a garage sale and come across a garment or toy suited to one of your children, it would be perfectly appropriate to buy for the one and not for the other. To deliberately seek equality is to send a wrong signal. The child who receives nothing should be able to rejoice in the good fortune of his brother. He would not feel that his mother loved the other more. He knows that the inequality is purely circumstantial. If one child is invited to participate in an event with his friends, and the other is not, it would be extremely unwise to attempt to make an offering to pacify the child left behind. It would be fine to take that opportunity for just the two of you to do something together, but not as a bribe for good attitude, nor as a consolation for his losses. If a child is left out of play because the other children don’t like him, it would be injurious to publicly take his side. He should learn to be likable. He must earn the right to be included in social events. Children will readily isolate a jerk. Protective parents, defending a child’s rights, create super jerks. When he doesn’t get his share of attention, time, things, or whatever, don’t cater to his selfishness by becoming gravely sympathetic and sensitive to his feelings. Lighten up and show indifference to his feelings. Briefly and curtly, as you turn to walk away, say, “Stop your whining and find something to do, or I will give you a job to take your mind off of it.” You might add, “When you get bigger, you will get to go places also.” One caution: We occasionally meet parents or stepparents who clearly do not like one child and so favor another. They express their preference in gifts and discipline. The children all know that one is despised and another is preferred. These parents may use what has been said to justify their ongoing vendetta against the rejected child. This kind of stupidity is not born of ignorance, but rather of meanness of spirit. Parents who are so blinded are not likely to discern the difference between just inequality and selfish preferential treatment. May these parents see the pain they are causing before their rejected child becomes a reject of society. But if you are the average parent, you readily see the evil in deliberate preferential treatment. On the other hand, you may never have considered that your attempts at fairness were actually unjust and counterproductive in terms of character building. As a result of your renewed understanding, your future responses will be different. When your child gets knocked down, don’t reward his whining of unfairness. Teach him how to get up and walk away with dignity. If the other children run off and leave him, teach him how to organize play that will cause them to want to be a part of his activity. But never make your child the unwelcome tagalong of despising peers. When your child digs a well, and they take it away from him, teach him to dig a better well in another location, and God will bless him with better water. When rain falls on his neighbors’ crops but not his, teach him how to irrigate. When his wages are lower, teach him how to manage his finances. When someone else gets the job, teach him how to start a company that provides better services. If he has fewer gifts, teach him how to expect nothing and to make little into abundance. Rather than whine for equality, teach him how to give until others are blessed above himself. If Christian principles are not good enough for our two-year-olds, will they be good enough for them when they are twenty? Cultivate a Christian worldview when they are young, and when they are old they will not depart from it.

The Volley Ball Bawler

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Aug 1995 11:00:15 +0000

As the father left the volley ball court headed for the house, his little four-year-old daughter began to scream. I was standing close enough to hear every word she uttered—from about one-hundred yards away. You must be gifted to interpret the Screamer language. If you are academically slow this gift may not come until about the third child. It is a primitive language rooted in primordial, selfish animal instinct. Her scream was an angry protest, demanding to be allowed to go with him to the house. With my gift of interpretation I understood her to be saying, “Who do you think you are running off and leaving me standing here. If you think I can be ignored without penalty, you have another thing coming. I will be held in high esteem, or I will make you wish you had.” I am sure that he was quite willing to take her along. It had just not occurred to him that she might want to go. She had probably tried to get his attention and failed due to the noise of the game. So she resorted to what I know to be her old standby. The look on her face and the clenching of the fist emitted an air of defiance and anger. I am sure if she were big enough, she would run up and bop her daddy on the side of the head to teach him a lesson about her importance. As she gets older and becomes more socially conscious, she will learn to control her outburst. But the habit of emotionally manipulating those around her will continue. As an adult, she will whine and complain when things don’t go her way. She will have very sensitive feelings. Those closest to her will have to tread lightly, allowing her to have her way, or she will be so hurt and pitiful that they will be sorry for not showing more concern for her needs. She will use her hurt feelings as a lever to control those around her. When he turned around, she immediately stopped screaming. He walked over, took her hand, and led her up the lane about one hundred yards where he stopped to give her a switching. He then proceeded to lead her to the house. You may think, “Well, he did right, he punished her for her bad attitude.” I will inform you that she is often punished for her screaming, but she goes right on screaming. She throws so many fits, if they were all in one pile it would make a volcano. This event well illustrates the difference between punishment and training. This child was punished for screaming and, at the same time, trained to scream. If you had a dog that jumped on you, demanding something to eat, and you respond by giving him the food and then whipped him for jumping, you would be punishing the dog for jumping and, at the same time, rewarding him for jumping. This little girl screamed because she wanted to go to the house with her daddy. It worked. He turned around, came back, took her hand, and led her to the house where she got the special attention she wanted. That moment of seeing the effectiveness of her scream confirmed and ingrained the habit of screaming. She initiated an act designed to get results. The father responded as he was suppose to, and the girl was trained to repeat the screaming. The later punishment did not undo the programming that had already occurred, because they were separated in time and place. The little four-year-old did not recall the memory of screaming and associate it with the spanking. She was punished, but to her, punishment is just routine. She expects to be spanked periodically. It is another opportunity to scream and make her mother feel guilty. A child does not have the adult’s ability to intellectually process information and recall it at critical moments. When this little girl is again in a position to demand her way, the first response that comes to mind will be to scream, because it always works to her advantage. How can we train her not to scream? It is easy, a breeze. It always works on every child, every time. The principle is the same. She screams because it works. If it didn’t work, she would not scream. If the parent and other caretakers see to it that screaming is always counterproductive, she will cease forever. When we employ the rod, we do so as part of the training, not punishment. One need not even resort to the rod. If you are a foster parent for the government child-care system, not allowed to spank, you can still, though with more difficulty, train them not to scream. Here is how one might have correctly handled this situation. As the screaming commences, walk back to the child. Stands with your hands on your hips (body language) and stare at the child. After you have raked her with disapproval, ask. “Why are you screaming, did you get snake bit?” She says, “No, I didn’t want you to leave me.” You respond, “Oh, I see, you screamed thinking that I would take you with me. Well, I would be delighted for you to go to the house with me. We could get something cold to drink and sit down to read a book together. But now I can’t take you with me because you screamed. I will have to leave you here with your mother so you will learn that when you scream to get your way, we will always do the opposite.” Then turn and walk away. If she were to scream again, turn back and give her a spanking and then proceeded to the house without her. If for some reason you are prevented from spanking—someone else’s child, you are a foster parent, you are in a very public place, etc., then just the denial of her desires will suffice to eventually stop the screaming—since it is the most necessary part of the training experience. It is the principle of cause and effect, stimuli induced response, conditioned behavior. If a rabbit bumps against something in his cage and food falls in front of him, he will soon learn to repeat his behavior in order to reproduce the effect. If some response works for the child, she will keep trying it until she is sure it will no longer get the desired results. If you deny her the reward of getting her own way and then make the negative behavior painful, she will deny herself the screaming.