No Greater Joy Ministries » Influences

PreparingToBeAHelpMeet.com

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 02:04:35 +0000

From a writer on the blog: We just got the Sept/Oct NGJ today. My interest was definitely piqued when I read Shalom’s article. I really did not know what things were like outside of my (rural farming) area. It’s frightening to hear that it is somewhat the same in other places…I know of so many WONDERFUL Christian young ladies in their late 20s who are still waiting for their man to come along, and it makes me think—if these amazing girls are not married, then how would I ever have a chance at finding a husband? I have to say, reading the article was very depressing, mostly because it corroborated what I’ve already seen and didn’t want to admit. I got to thinking—is there any way that we gals can help to remedy this situation? I know that the most important thing is prayer; we must pray for godly men to be raised up, young men who are ready to raise a family. But what else could we do? I also was thinking perhaps I am too picky. Could that be part of the problem? Am I expecting these young men to be spiritual giants while I excuse my own faults? Another thing—if there are no mature young men around us, should we gals then settle for someone we think would be less than ideal? (I’m talking about rational concerns now, not just girlish whims.) I really want to be married someday…I mean REALLY. It is depressing then when I survey this state of affairs! I’m sure most of you girls know how I feel! It is even harder in my area, because there really are not that many men period, let alone “marriage material” guys! (I guess that’s why I should be going to the Texas Shindig!) From Shalom: Hi, girls, I think I need to expand or explain my article “Where Are the Men?” since so many are talking about it on the blog. (By the way, the Preparing blog site will be down for a few weeks while it is being revamped so that married ladies can write on one site and single girls on another.) Anyway, back to the article I wrote. I knew I needed to say something, but I didn’t get my message across completely. I just see so many girls waiting around for Mr. Right, and that is not what God has called young ladies to do. 1 Corinthians 7:34 says, “There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” Yes! God created us to be a help meet to our own husbands, but he also wants those that are unmarried to be actively serving him. Notice he says, “The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord.” Just as the married woman cares for her husband (thinks about what he wants, serves him), the unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord—thinks about what He wants, and serves Him. Neither instance of caring is a passive, sit-around-the-house-and-contemplate sort of thing. Both types of women are actively working and serving the one whom they care for. Most of the girls I know care more about getting married than they do about serving God. You said, “maybe I am too picky.” I do believe that is true at times, but we all want the best God has for us (check out the “Small Flame” video. My dad writes in the booklet, To Betroth or Not to Betroth, “A person that lives his life by his own best devices and does not get daily guidance from God has no right to expect anything special when it comes to marriage.” If we are not obeying Scripture and actively caring for the things of the Lord, then how do we expect to meet that special man that God has for us? I heard a story last week about a girl who was in Africa ministering. There were only native people around. She was where God wanted her, and do you know what? A fine Christian man came there to minister, not knowing that she was also there, and they soon married. I heard another story not long ago of a young girl who went to work in an orphanage in Mexico and was there for several years with no prospects of marriage. But a young man came to work there, and they were soon married. I believe these ladies are getting God’s best, don’t you? You asked, “What else could we do?” I do think we can do something about the lack of God-fearing men out there. In chapter one of Preparing to Be His Help Meet, Mom (Debi Pearl) wrote about praying—not for you to find a husband, but that God would raise up men to serve him. I know several young men who would make wonderful fathers and great husbands, and who are very hard working, but they are not saved. These men are just good guys, raised by good, hard-working, country parents, but the young men do not know the Lord. There are lots of good guys out there who were not raised in a God-fearing home, but if they were to get saved, they would make a difference in this world. So I want you girls to do two things: (1) Start caring for the things of the Lord, and (2) start praying that God will work in the hearts of young men around the world. If you want to be inspired by a young lady’s walk in serving the Lord, google “Kisses from Katie.” — Shalom

Don’t Give Up on the Prodigal

Michael Pearl — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:21:48 +0000

The promise is clear: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And the promise is certain. But I know many of you have older children who have departed from the way you intended them to go. You have questioned, “Is the promise really true, or is it like divine healing—rare and only available to those who have great faith?” Or you may question yourself, “Where did I go wrong? I took them to church and provided a godly example, but an evil outside influence slithered in and stole away my child’s virtue and integrity. How could I have foreseen the threat and stopped it?” Then again, you may be of the sad number whose child descended into a state of rebellion and turned on you, accusing you of hypocrisy, and screaming, “If you are a Christian, I don’t want to be one.” This is not going to be another article where I rebuke you for your hypocrisy. I have done that enough, and it is too late to undo the damage done to the wayward prodigal. But I do want to encourage you to not quit; don’t give up on the errant one. Sometimes getting out from under parents’ roof is the path to repentance. It doesn’t take long for 20-year-olds to discover that the world is full of hypocrisy and darkness—worse than what they found at home. “As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him” (Amos 5:19). There were good times at home, and in times of loneliness and need he will remember them. Just like you, he will have doubts about himself and wonder if he made the right choice. He will mature and learn that humanity is indeed frail and that “every man at his best state is altogether vanity” (Psalm 39:5). Life will force him to discover his own weaknesses and hypocrisy. He will fail to live up to his purist’s values and judge himself to be no better than you. If he did indeed have a time in his youth when he respected his parents and honored their God, a time when life was sweet and carefree, he will look back with fondness and decry his loss. In his pain he will go back in his memory and wish for those days again. In his mind, the good memories will conflict with his more recent memories of your constant criticism and dissatisfaction. The lack of fulfillment he experienced in the home after he got to be a “problem child” will overshadow everything for a while, but when he “begins to be in want” (Luke 15:14) and seeks help from his friends, and they send him “into the field to feed swine,” and no one loves him like Mama did when he was young, he will come to himself, swallow his pride, and come home—not to stay, but to be loved and appreciated, to be with people who care. Now you will play a part in his recovery. First I am going to tell you how to guarantee that he not only keeps feeding the swine but eats with them and eventually lies down to stay with them. It is the easiest thing you could ever do. It is all about attitude. Just make sure that in any contact you have with him, let him know how wrong he is and indicate you think he is shiftless and worthless. Or better still, point out how he has embarrassed the family and let him see that you are ashamed of him. It will help if when he comes to visit, his hair is purple and orange and he has lots of piercings and tattoos. Look thoroughly disgusted and offended. If he brings a girlfriend home, one that looks like she is a nine-time reject, be sure to treat her with disdain and contempt. Ignoring her will really make him hot. That first visit home will be his attempt to prove to himself and his girlfriend that his parents are not worth the time. Deep inside there is a desire to be loved and accepted by his family, but his pride motivates him to throw his sin in your face as a test of that love. It will be easy to get rid of him once for all. Just be what you were before he left. You say you have changed? I can offer you indicators of how you will in fact respond when he shows up. If you have been humbled by your loss of a child to the world, and you accept the blame and you no longer have critical feelings toward him but rather a heart that is broken and longing to be restored, you will indeed motivate him to repent and reunite with the family. But if there is bitterness in your heart and the feeling that he has hurt you and the family, you will drive the wedge much deeper and send him back to the swine to feed. If you, like Jesus looking over wayward Jerusalem, weep for your lost child, your tears can wash away his pride and rebellion, but if you, like Satan, are an accuser of the brethren, you will dump a pile on him that will keep him underground until you are old and grey and he drops by unexpectedly to see Mama one last time before she dies. There is hope, but that hope must be in your heart if it is going to become a reality. If you daily pray for your prodigal you cannot daily despise him. You may get just one chance to turn him around, and he will see that opportunity in your eyes and hear it in your tone. Get your heart right today and your words will be right the next time you face your prodigal. “…for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things” (Matthew 12:34–35). When you pray your heart treasures up good things. You will need a heart full of good thoughts when the prodigal comes down the dusty road dragging his baggage. “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8). Remember the prodigal’s father in Luke 15; he was looking for his son and saw him when he was yet a great way off. Running down the road to receive him with open arms, he commanded the servants to bring the best robe and shoes and a ring for the finger of his returning son. The father killed the special fatted calf and invited all the neighbors to a coming home party where they would share his joy at the returned prodigal. Go, and do thou likewise.

Avoiding Vacuums

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 11:00:06 +0000

Question: “What conversations can we have with our 9-year-old daughter and our 11-year-old son to inoculate them from the sexual perversions they will come across in the church, etc.?” Question: “How do I protect my children from sexual temptation?” “Inoculate them”? Impossible. “Protect them from temptation”? Only to a degree. Equipping them to endure temptation is the only effective recourse. The infallible Word of God tells us that God will not put more temptation on us than we are able to bear. That must mean either that God regulates us, by means of teaching and grace, in proportion to the level of temptation we will encounter, or that he places a governor on the temptation to prevent it from exceeding our abilities to resist—or both. Either way, it is clear that our Heavenly Father manages our exposure and resistance to temptation. Shouldn’t you do the same for your child? Most of us attack the temptation, leaving the child in a vacuum of innocence, not realizing the need to equip the child to be an overcomer, even in our absence, in the face of great temptation. Do not put your children in a place where temptation becomes more than they can bear. And do not expect a once-a-year talk on sex to “inoculate” them against temptation. Neither should you rest in the security system you designed to stop temptation from getting to them. You cannot just teach—you must actually prepare them to resist temptation in your absence. Negative rules and warnings and threats are necessary but not sufficient. Read and reread the following statement: You must meet all the social, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs of your children before they are tempted. It is dangerous to allow a child who needs affirmation of his worth to be tempted. The temptation may offer fulfillment of that need. You cannot let a child face temptation who feels the need for companionship and approval. You cannot let a child face temptation who feels intellectually deprived of a rudimentary knowledge of sex. He will receive information from anyone who offers it. You cannot let a vacuum of companionship and approval develop in your children’s lives. If you do, they will be willing at the first opportunity to lower their standards to gain the approval and acceptance necessary to be part of a social order. Further, if they don’t have good friends who are good, they will make good friends of the bad boys and girls that enter their circle of acquaintances. I have noticed in our own church, when visitors come with their young teenage kids, the discontent and rebellious among them will always locate one particular teenager among our own who is equally unhappy. A kid exuding darkness will walk into a room, survey it, and immediately be drawn to like spirits. It will happen every time. In five minutes you will see them standing off on their own, talking quietly. Either kid would be angry if you tried to monitor his social life, for they can only find kinship in unapproved darkness. Parents of such children cannot redeem them apart from a complete Holy Ghost revival. There may be a shade of darkness in the soul of your child. If so, do not make the mistake of thinking that by “cracking down” or by teaching them about sex you are going to cure the problem. It is a soul problem, and it cannot be met with religion or law. The church is not the answer. Your own soul—the soul of the family—is the only cure. When the child’s vacuums are filled with fruit and flowers, they will not journey through the thorns and thistles seeking beauty. Don’t put them in the place where they are under the influence of questionable kids that are older than they, or kids with stronger, more dominant personalities. Understand, they have a need to belong, to fit in, to not be the lonely oddball. If their self-image is fed and sustained at home, children can go outside the family into a negative environment and not be troubled by being the outsider, at odds with the tone and flow of the conversation and activities. They can leave the mountaintop of moral nurturing and walk through the valley of stupidity and shame, resisting its appeals, because all their human needs for socializing and acceptance have been met on the mountaintop to which they know they will soon return. But if you take a kid who is a vacuum of unfulfilled human needs into the place of corruption, he will find satisfaction holding hands with the devil. Every kid will give his heart to someone. If not to you—to the family—then whom? It is just a matter of time and opportunity. Kids who are unfulfilled attract their opposites like magnets. There are children who have experimented with evil and have yielded to its lure. The excitement and power it offers has filled them with captivating experiences and stimulating “secrets.” They have a compulsion to seek out the most vulnerable, hungry souls, enchanting them with tales of their journey down forbidden paths. It is the original temptation, the lure of obtaining the knowledge of good and evil, to go where you are not supposed to and discover the things so exciting and stimulating that one feels empowered by the very knowledge of it. The vulnerable children are flattered by the attention and confidence of their new—bigger and cooler—mentor. Now they have a “true friend” who values them enough to let them in on the “secrets” that can make them like the gods, “knowing good and evil.” The fallen innocent will defend their choice with, “Well, my parents never understood me or cared.” After a verbal introduction into the intoxicating experience of sexual experimentation has stirred their curiosity and lust, they will then seek a time and place to journey down the dark path of personal experience. It may be the path to the upstairs bedroom, or the kids’ “play house” in the back yard. It may be in the garage of a friend or in the woods or empty lots, but be sure, when kids want to skulk away to a dark corner to drink from the devil’s cup, they will find opportunities where you are sure none exist. If they are determined, there is no such thing as protecting them. You cannot build enough fences without; you must build fences within. How do we meet all those needs before they are met by the dark side? Every family is different, yet sweet balance always looks the same—a family that has fun together, sharing common goals, sharing a vision that gives great hope for the future. This family is part of a community of like-minded believers who provide all the social needs of the children; they are well-instructed and delight themselves in God; and they are engaged in life, creating, learning, and growing together. In short, their favorite people in all the world are members of their own family. But each family is different in that we are all at different starting points, on either end of a pendulum. Some families are too legalistic and religious while others are too irreverent and secular. Some families are too busy seeking worldly success while others live in the doldrums of apathy and inactivity. Some families are filled with “christian psychology,” practicing “positive affirmation” until their kids think words have no meaning; others talk down to the kids, thinking they are preventing them from becoming prideful, or they think negative criticism will correct negative behavior. I don’t know where your family is or how it got there. Maybe you don’t either. So start over. Love God until you sing praise to him in your dreams. Love your wife or husband until they giggle in the presence of the kids. Love your church (the people) to the point of sacrificing for the needy. Love sinners to the point that you pray for them and share the gospel with them. Love your children so much that you smile every time you look at them. End negative speech about everybody and everything except sin and the devil. Make yourself and your family healthy with good eating and exercise. Experience the excitement of learning and growing with your children. Learn anything useful and do anything productive. Make money, make music, make a garden, make everybody laugh. Through a variety of experiences, let each child discover his own interests and then excitedly aid him in pursuing his goals. Above all, do what God did to equip us: teach Bible stories. God tells us that all the stories of the Bible, Old and New Testament, are given as an example for our learning. These stories impart knowledge, wisdom, fear of walking in sin, judgment, and appreciation for righteousness and God’s sweet blessings. The very knowledge your children gain will give them understanding regarding the deceitfulness of sin and the blessings of obedience. These old stories are there not only to teach our minds, but also to mold our hearts. The child who is not personally acquainted with many Bible stories is handicapped in overcoming evil. I am talking about Bible stories, not applications, not principles, not sweet little examples you come up with; plain old Bible stories. Have your children study and teach Bible stories. Discuss sin and righteousness and memorize the words of God found in the King James Bible, forming a worldview from which they will never depart. Then make sure that the family moves in a social circle that provides a variety of potential spouses. When thirteen- and fourteen-year-old kids can fix their dreams upon a potential spouse—even if the object of their admiration changes monthly—they will live so as to be accepted by those people they admire and whose approval they must have in order to be considered a worthy spouse. If you would like to hear more on this subject, I have placed online, free of charge, a message I recently delivered to the church. Go to http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/audio/sex-education-for-children/ to download this recording. Feel free to copy the message and distribute it to others. If you do not have online capabilities you can purchase a CD through our store. Also, watch for my wife’s newest book for children, Yell and Tell: A Warning for Children Against Sexual Predators. It is a simple rhyme and rhythm of a mother teaching her son how to respond if and when he is approached sexually by another child or even an adult family friend. It will be an invaluable tool. We plan to have the book ready by November 1, 2010. I can’t thank you enough for this article. As a survivor of child abuse and neglect, I’m amazed at how “free” and trusting people can be with their children (my father molested every single kid that came to sleep over). Six years ago I begged my sister not to allow my father in the house after being released from prison, but unfortunately she choose to let him live with them and recently found out that one of her daughters was molested. She knew he had molested me and at least 15 more children, but she chose to ignore the evidence and trust him. She reasoned that he would never hurt a grandchild. The hardest part [for us] as parents who tended to be naive, was discovering the evil that occurred when we thought we were protecting our children. We learned the hard way that few people could be trusted as caregivers in our absence. I am glad we trained our children from young ages that there were private areas of their bodies that no one should view or touch. It was the areas their underwear covered or anywhere else they felt was private. They were likewise not to view or touch other people’s private areas. When a sitter violated a private area our son was quick to tell us. We had left with plans, but when we got to our nearby destination I told my husband I had a bad feeling and asked to go back home. We arrived and sensed something wrong. Our son came to us and told us what happened. He said he was worried about getting the person in trouble. We reassured him that the adult was wrong and had no right to secrets. Unfortunately, we learned that taking in an unwanted seven-year-old niece to raise had damaging, lasting effects on our other children. We were unaware of the evil done to her at young ages. It came out in her actions to our youngest son, a four-year-old. The hardest part of this kind of evil is the sneakiness that is perfected by the one carrying on the action. Who would expect a throw-away child to even know about the things she did or asked our young son to do? I also learned I should have accompanied my daughter even on an afternoon play visit to the Christian family next door. In my absence a grandfather took liberties. When I learned that this man babysat the children frequently, we reported it. Evil things were brought into our home both by our niece and later by a boy. One youth we were asked to supervise for a weekend was briefly left alone with our daughter when her brothers left the room. He took advantage of the brief minute to expose himself. She immediately told us, and we questioned the boy. He admitted his action and implicated his father from our church. The boy said his dad did the same and more to his sister and that was why his mom left with his sister. Yikes! Without our presence we also have no way of knowing if another child is experimenting with same gender play. In a very young child I handled it as you suggested. In an older child, protection is the only way. Our daughter reported a church friend’s attempts to introduce her to lesbian acts during a sleepover. The girl was only 12 years old! That eliminated sleepovers. Thank you, Mr. Pearl, for writing this article. I was a girl who “walked [through] the valley of the shadow of shame” and experienced the heartbreak of having parents turn their backs in anger and disgust. It took a pregnancy and almost a marriage to bring us together as a family again. Now we are fighting to save my little daughter from the sexual addict that is her father. PLEASE, parents who are reading this, heed Mr. Pearl’s instruction so that you may avoid tragedy. I thank God for His grace. I am the “piece of trash that God lifted from the ground and holds to His heart.” —A Mom Thank you for your article. I have a step-son who is 11 who was caught doing stuff with my little girls. I had five little girls at the time and was due to have another any day. In fact, I had been in labor when it all happened, which distracted me long enough for this to happen. (Believe me, the weight of protecting and raising so many girls hit me hard at that moment.) He had been exposed to porn and had been exploring on my little girls. He is here, he is mine, but not mine biologically, but what is my husband’s is mine....he has been repentant, but I don’t trust him fully anymore. He has taken out his anger about the situation on my girls. Like they were his temptation and I know they still are that, a temptation, though he doesn’t wish to go there again. My oldest involved was 6. You have mentioned how to deal with many things, little kids and older ones. But what about when it’s older ones with little ones? I don’t want to shun the boy so he gets ahead down a wrong path, and am lost at how to help my girls because they were exposed to more than the usual “exploring”. If I boot him out, his chances are next to none elsewhere, nor will my husband allow it. There’s not really anywhere to “send” him either. Here is all he’s got. I tried the thing with my girls of letting the curiosity just go, but their curiosity has been sparked in more than the usual, and it seems to be harder for them to dump. I’m not looking to sign any of the kids’ passes into hell in any sense. —A Stepmom What sound advice. I still think of my childhood from time to time with sadness. When I was little, my girl cousin and I apparently had been caught touching each other...something I don’t even remember, but when I was older my father brought it up to me in a moment of anger, with such disgust that it really did damage to the way I viewed myself, as well as my relationship with my father. I had also been molested at the age of ten by a family friend. The combination of the two incidents wore away at my self-respect. When I was 15, I sinned gravely. I attended a church camp and fell head over heels for one of the young directors. After two months of being hard to get, I let myself fall prey to his charms, and we had a sexual encounter. Several months later, my guilt was so great that I confessed everything to my parents and told them I wanted to start right. It was the worst mistake I could have made, and I wish I had never told them. Their response was so heart-breaking. They told me it was too late to start right. My father never, ever fully forgave me. There were times I think he tried, but he never let it go. In moments of anger, he would throw it, and anything else he could, in my face. One time he threw a book at me and it hit my glasses and broke them. Any time he saw me within ten feet of another boy, he would accuse me of flirting or being inappropriate, reminding me that I could not be trusted after what I had done. When I was 17, my good friend went to the military. He and I wrote letters to each other, which I found out from my dad (in another of his angry moments) that he had been reading behind my back, and didn’t understand how I could have a sweetheart behind his back, and called me a “whore.” When I turned 18, I left my parents’ home. I just packed three suitcases, took out all of my savings and bought a plane ticket to California, where I met up with my military friend. We lived together for three years, two of which were spent in fornication. I thought, what did it matter, I was a whore anyway. Two years ago, we both came back to the Lord. He really got hold of us. We got married and are now expecting our first child. Parents, know this: I would most likely never have “jumped ship” if I had only been forgiven and loved by my parents. At 15, I had a heart that desperately wanted to follow God from that point on. However, when my parents didn’t forgive me, I felt that God would not forgive me either. I know that is not Biblical, as our Lord forgives us with certainty, however a 15-year-old girl’s broken heart does not see herself through God’s eyes, but through a “glass darkly.” How I wish my parents had responded with God’s love and justice, instead of anger and disdain. Even now, I have very little relationship with any of my family. It took many years for me to understand that the floodgates of God’s forgiveness and mercy were already opened up to me the day His Son died for my sins. Parents, please heed Bro. Pearl’s advice. Do not try to be more holy than God. His mercy is the height of holiness. Don’t give up on your children, just as He did not give up on you. I was actually going to write you at one time and ask if you would address this subject. I am one of 14 children, and my father and two of my brothers molested me; my father also molested another sister. One of the brothers lured me, by fear, to allow a neighbor boy to do certain things. The molestation stopped at around the age of 12, thankfully. But as a Christian now, I still have to occasionally fight off bizarre sexual thoughts that want to come in. It affects you for the rest of your life. My father did, as an older man, call me when I grew up and with tears asked for forgiveness. This was only because another sister found out about it and confronted him. When I asked him why he did it, you know what he said? He said it was because my mother did not give him ‘affection’, and that I was a very affectionate child. How sad and sick. Being molested myself, I was very leery of anyone “babysitting” my kids. My husband and I never allowed sleepovers. We never allowed other children to play in the room with them alone. I never allowed even my own two children to play in the room together without the door wide open and me in the next room. Last but not least, I prayed diligently for years that the Lord would protect them from ever being molested. I believed that if I prayed this diligently, that it was according to His will and I would have the request I ask of Him. That is not what happened. A few years back, because of certain circumstances, my husband and I took in a boy the same age as our son and...you guessed it...even with all my ‘safeguards’ in place, this 11-year-old boy—who was raised in an ungodly home—told my kids very sordid graphic details about sex, all in a ‘funny’ way. That was his thing. To make it funny. And to my horror, they began to laugh and go along with it. Then one day, he went up behind my younger child and tried to simulate the marital act upon the backside. This was in the next room to me! No doors even closed, and within my earshot. Later my children even told me that he would talk about sordid things even in the car with me driving. I was right there! I have fasted and prayed that the Lord would remove this child permanently from our home, and my husband has agreed that if the Lord provides another open door, he will have him leave. Please, please, Mr. Pearl (and staff), pray that the Lord opens the door for him to go live with his other relatives! As you know, adoption has become very popular in the church, among popular ministries, and there are so many Christians adopting older, international children, and often damaged children, and then suffering great heartbreak. They are confused, as they believed they were doing God’s will, obeying the Bible to care for orphans, etc....and this is happening. Yet, because of the nature of the subject, they are suffering silently, and confused. Any advice would be appreciated. —A Mom MICHAEL ANSWERS: Right here in our own community a family adopted three children from Liberia. We warned them, but they were so caught up with good feelings about how they were sacrificing their lives to save poor starving children from orphanages that they danced their way into tragedy. They have several children younger than the three adopted kids, who, unknowing to them, were well-versed in all the dark arts of eroticism and ghastly perversion. We have received many letters from families who have adopted children from overseas, quite a few from Liberia, and nearly every one of them—if not all—told sad stories of the fall of their natural children into sexual deviance. I will say this again. Never adopt children even close to the age of your own. You should be past child-bearing age, and your children should be at least 10 to 15 years older than the adopted kids. I don’t think there is any such thing as an orphanage-raised child who has not been a participant in sexual perversion. If you are older and your kids are grown, it is a wonderful, full-time ministry to adopt foreign kids. You will experience heartache, possibly failure, but you may just save a soul from sure destruction. But if there is failure, at least your kids will not go down with them. A foster mom’s dilemma. We had a foster daughter this year, and she had been molested. We had no idea, and she acted out with one of my sons. I had so much guilt, as I know that you say, “Always watch your children.” I had failed in my role as a guardian, and I was sick at heart. —A Mom MICHAEL RESPONDS: It is impossible to watch thoroughly enough to prevent two kids from finding time alone. Your mistake was having the girl in the house with your children. Foster parenting is for people whose children are grown or for families with older children who take in the very young.

Poor Miss Loveless & Her Sister

Debi Pearl — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 11:15:41 +0000

Question:

Dear Mrs. Debi, I love your new book, Preparing to Be a Help Meet. I was deeply affected by the phrase, “I can think of nothing I want more than someone to truly love me.” I am a 27-year-old homeschooled girl. My older sister and I have no reason to believe marriage is in sight. Mom is a wonderful person, but still believes it is her total responsibility to guide and protect us as if we were still children. This might be fine and good, but the years have passed and Mom is so much in our faces and controlling toward the few Possibilities that have come our way that if things continue status quo I suspect we will remain old maids. Mom doesn’t see this as bad. “After all,” she says, “it is better to remain a vessel for God than to marry an unrighteous man.” That is easy for her to say. Mom’s spiritual talk is her way of reminding us what a loser Dad is. Dad is a long way from being the Apostle Paul, but then Mom is no ministering angel toward him. That is another subject and their problem…unless mine and my sister’s loveless and childless fate is perpetuated by their sin. My question is this: What can we do? Are we really rebellious when we want to be adults making our own decisions? Can a saved parent hold a grown child back from having a life that God would freely give? What does the Bible say? If we are free, then how do we find these Possibilities? Or have them find us? ~Just call me Miss Loveless

Answer:

Dear Miss Loveless and her Loveless Sister, What a sad state you find yourself in. Maybe a little Bible information will shed some light on your plight. God clearly reveals the age when one becomes an autonomous adult. Is this the age of accountability? It is far more than that. The phrase “twenty years old and upward” appears 132 times in the Scripture. God gives twenty years old as being the beginning of a man’s independent responsibilities toward Him in worship: Exodus 30:14, “Every one that passeth among them that are numbered, from twenty years old and above, shall give an offering unto the LORD.” The twenty-year-old was no longer covered by his family’s sacrifice. In Numbers chapters 1–3, God says many times, “number the names of every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war:” It is most significant that when a man reached the age of twenty, he was counted as an independent family separate from his father. Number 1:18 says, “And they assembled all the congregation together on the first day of the second month, and they declared their pedigrees after their families, by house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty-years-old and upward by their polls.” You will note all these Old Testament passages refer to a man’s age, not a female’s. Some will argue that females have no independent standing before God, that they must relate to God and society in subjection to a man—either their father or a husband. In the New Testament we find no such rigid cultural standards. God clarified this point through his dealings with Mary. The Holy Ghost approached Mary about becoming the mother of Jesus without going through either her parents or her betrothed husband. And she made her decision on her own. Furthermore, overly protective parents are handicapping their adult children spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Young adults need to be tested so they can gain wisdom. A parent’s instruction concerning life is not sufficient; there comes a time when we must stand alone before God in regard to the choices we make if we are to grow to maturity before God. Some will fail; some will be wounded; but that is life. It is God’s testing ground to prove who and what we are. When our adult children leave home and grow into wise sons and daughters of the living God, sacrificing their life for righteousness, it brings great glory to God. A cloistered adult kid is a glory only to a needy parent. You as a single woman, far past the age of twenty, will stand before God for your own decisions. (Of course, everyone living in the house should follow house rules.) How can you safeguard yourself against making unwise decisions? We all think we are wise, but it is so easy to be deceived. A wise daughter should continue to seek her parents’ counsel as well as the counsel of any and all wise people in her life, especially concerning the most important decision of your life. Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” Then Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.” But know that the final decisions are yours to live with. Now your second question: How can you meet Possibilities? You can ask your dad, an older brother, a man in the Church who walks upright and is happily wed, or your pastor to introduce you to young men who might need a wife. Men know what men are “up to” better than females, so it is wise to meet a “Possibility” through a man who regards your well-being as important. Even if your mom and dad were divorced, I would think your dad would be the first place to seek help. Dads naturally tend to be protective of their own flesh and blood, so even if he doesn’t live righteously, he will want your husband to be a good man. It is possible that your dad would soberly take on the task. Usually dads, even lost ones, are more emotionally-balanced than moms who often thrive on controlling in an invasive way. When I asked the local men their thoughts on approaching a parent concerning getting to know a girl for marriage, they agreed that having to approach a girl’s father would be scary, but having to deal with the older woman about her daughters would be humiliating. They all agreed that they would give up pursuing a good woman as a possible wife to avoid being under the scrutiny (authority) of the girl’s mom. Be ready for an emotional storm. Kindly let Mom know of your decision to act autonomously as a grown woman. Chances are she will see you choosing your dad over her and it will stir up an old personal hurt. She might tell some ugly stories, but in every bad marriage there are two sides, and both are usually greatly exaggerated. Refuse to listen, as she will regret the telling later. Be patient, wise, discerning, and reassuring toward her. Now, if Dad or another trusted man does help find you a husband, I want you to know this important detail. You are your mother’s daughter. She loves you and has given her life for you. Honor her. Give her space and let her be a part of your new family. Also, remember that she, as a woman in sourness toward her husband, is probably judgmental toward men in general, and thus a lingering spirit of criticism will most likely be an evil stronghold in your own life. Start now reading all the stories in the Old Testament of men God chose to use as his messengers. Learning how God loved and dealt with different people brings you to know the mind of God; this will renew your mind. There were Adam, Samson, David, Jonah, and Solomon. Become acquainted with these men of God. See their ups and downs. Read the story of the prophet Elijah who had a nervous breakdown; of Ezekiel who had strange visions, and laid on his side and ate dung while prophesying; Jeremiah the weeping prophet; and a crowd of other eccentric men God chose to honor as his special men. If you are really blessed you will marry one of the sons of Adam, and you will be judgmental toward him because he will be a jerk. But sweetie, so are you; only you will not see the beam in your own eye. Be sure to read Created to Be His Help Meet when you find yourself irritated with your man. Don’t let what happened to your mama happen to you and your daughters. If we are not ever vigilant, sin has a way of being passed down through the generations. It is a robber of love, joy, and peace—and marriages. In the end, a Possibility is just that: a Possibility. You will need to seek God’s will and have peace that this is the man you want to honor and obey all the days of your life, and the one you want to be the daddy to your children. It is a sobering thought. Once you are put to the test you might start agreeing with your mom and decide to stay single. But you need the opportunity to decide. God tells us his will in I Timothy 5:14: “I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” The Scripture also says, “There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34a). I would encourage you to pour your life into the ministry until such time God blesses you with a man. Read Preparing to Be a Help Meet. Some naysayers will point out that this verse says women, not girls. We already covered the age of an adult found in the Old Testament (20 years old). What does “younger” refer to? Twenty? Twenty-five? Thirty? Well, younger is definitely not older. Keep in mind that the best, safest and healthiest childbearing age is from twenty to thirty. May God’s blessing be on you and your sister, and may both of you soon have someone to truly love you. Friend, Debi

When the Worst Happens

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 11:00:21 +0000

WARNING to parents! Mature subject matter. Some of the topics in this article are not appropriate for children.

Woe is the day when a good friend rages, “My little girl said that your son...” Or worse, you walk in on your boys and a neighbor kid in a state of undress, experimenting with their bodies. The horrors of discovering that your young teenage boy is addicted to the worst kinds of pornography, or catching your girls trading lurid notes with other girls or boys! I could go on and speak of the things you may discover about your sons or daughters at various ages, beginning at three or four years of age, but “it is a shame to even speak of those things done of them in secret.” We get the ugly letters. Parents are shocked, angered, and then brokenhearted and finally despondent. In one very rigid family the parents discovered their teenage boys and girls were engaged in immorality, and the parents were so demoralized that they turned back to their pre-church, pre-homeschool days of drinking, smoking, and bar hopping. The whole family went to hell. But one of the girls, after several years of marriage, experienced the new birth through faith in Jesus Christ, and it is she who wrote their story, now dismayed for her wayward parents. There is no safe place. You cannot move to heaven. Even our little church and tight community discovers untoward behavior among some of the children from time to time. The Amish and Mennonite community has its share of horse dung now and then. You can isolate your children from all outside influences, yet they will discover and cultivate the lord of the flies lurking in their own flesh. Most kids have had some sort of sexual contact before they reach puberty. We parents expect the best of our children. We train them to do what is right and protect them from evil influences. We are concerned when we see moral tragedies all around us, awful failures, kids taking the short road to hell. We know something like that could never happen to our children, for we are Christians and our kids are brought up to know right from wrong. Yes, we should have the highest of expectations, but if the unexpected happens and the devil dumps on our doorstep, do we know how to respond? Sometimes our parental response to a child’s divergence into the profoundly ugly is the deciding factor as to whether it is a one-time curiosity or a permanent turn down the road to perdition. We hear too many stories from shocked and horrified parents. “How could this happen? I didn’t believe my son was capable of this. We did everything right.” And it’s true. You can do everything right and your children can still end up exposed to the sins of Sodom, the adultery of David and the fornication of Samson. The question is, have you gone beyond just “raising them right” to taking proactive steps to arm them against the day of dark temptation?

Innocence is no hedge

I am amazed at parents’ belief that they and their children are somehow immune to the depravity of the human race, that good is the default position in their family. If I didn’t have a Holy Bible, I would definitely believe in a sinful nature. Observable phenomena are indisputable. Universal depravity is more certain than taxes or death. Yet by the grace of God, through his Word and the power of the Holy Spirit, we can be overcomers in this world, and we can train up our children in the way they should go so they will not depart from it, but such is the supernatural exception, common to those who fear God, not the status quo. Children are not born with our values. They do not come into the world good. They come innocent. And innocence is a two-way street, with no signs—only desire. Just as innocence provides no propensity to evil, it provides no protection from the false promises of the fun of experimentation. All options are equal in the mind of a child who has not yet come to a full knowledge of good and evil, something that comes to complete fruition by at least age 19. That which is morally obvious to us adults is—to a child—nothing more than two flavors. Why should one be eaten and the other shunned? They know not. So they taste all that is available until they develop a taste one way or the other. Eve couldn’t discern any difference between the tree of the knowledge of good and evil that led to death and the tree that would perpetuate life. She didn’t possess the experience and maturity to differentiate—as is the case with all children. But innocence is no hedge against the consequences inherent in any departure from the holy and pure. The surprise and shock experienced by parents stems from children’s ability to originally conceive sin. Not all sins are copycats; not all spring from temptations without. Where children are concerned, there are many original sins. The natural appetites of flesh and mind are sufficient to account for the sins of youth. “A child left to himself will bring his mother to shame”, but even a child well-guarded and properly instructed will, like Eve, be tempted to taste the forbidden fruit, knowing not that a flaming sword will part them from their garden of innocence.

Reverse trend

I have noticed a trend down through the years. Some parents are suspicious and distrusting of the flesh of their children and of the human race in general. They know their teen boys are going to, at the very least, take a mind trip down the road of immorality. These discerning parents know their young sons are going to come in contact with queer bait boys and grabbing girls. They are wisely suspicious of the preacher’s sons, the choir director’s girls, the old man teaching Sunday school, and the woman giving piano lessons. Then there are those parents who seem to trust everybody in the church and anyone who maintains a respectable lifestyle and has a good reputation. They act as if evil comes with a devil suit and a sign. They allow their children to run in a herd with other kids and believe evil resides on the other side of the tracks only. If experience had not taught me something different, I would believe that parents who expect evil and take extra steps to guard their children are the ones who had rough pasts, and that parents who are naively trusting that their kids “would never do anything like that” are the innocent ones who have never seen true evil up close. Surprisingly, not so. Often parents who have come from the dark side of the tracks think they left evil behind and that their children could not possibly get involved in the things they experienced in the sick and seedy world of their pasts. Those of us who were brought up in the church and protected from societal evil can examine our own hearts and know that innocence is no haven against imaginations of the flesh.

Two-to six-year-olds

What do you do if you suddenly discover you have a child that has been dancing with the devil? This is the most important thing I will say to you, so listen carefully: When the worst happens, do not assume it is all over. Do not go into mourning. Do not persecute the child. Don’t give up. Know that there is yet plenty of hope. I am not merely telling you to keep a positive attitude like the doctor might tell you to do after informing you that you have brain cancer. Hear me now. Statistically-speaking, a young child who engages in shameful behavior is not by any means destined to be a pervert. Now think back to when you were a child. Did you ever get alone with a cousin or sibling and discuss the intimacies of what mommies and daddies do in private? Do you ever remember out of curiosity examining a member of the same or opposite sex? Did you ever view pornography? Did it make a pervert out of you? Did it totally destroy your life? A small percentage will say it was the first step to a downward road. For most it was just a passing discovery. I am not minimizing the seriousness of childhood participation in aberrant behavior, but I would like to minimize your emotional response, to prevent you from reacting in a way that is going to leave horrible scars where there would otherwise be quick healing, or maybe no wound at all.

According to age and need

Our response should be measured according to the needs and age of the child. The key is to discern the heart of the child. Children under five may see their parents or someone on television making love. Be sure, like everything else the world offers, they are going to try kissing or fondling any other boy or girl, sibling or friend, just to see why adults find such delight in it. When they find it to be quite boring, they will give up the idea and try a different flavor of ice cream. Unless they are led on by older children who do find excitement and stimulation, the little ones will not be harmed by curious investigation of their bodies or of others their age. Their exploration is certainly not desirable and may be a warning flag, but it does not mean you have a sexually active four-year-old. If you should catch your very young children in this kind of unseemly behavior, do not blow your lid and go ballistic. First, without any show of emotion (difficult, I know,) evaluate the scene. Do they display guilt at being discovered thus? If not, then just say, “Put your clothes back on and stop that. That is what mamas and daddies do, not children.” Show a normal amount of irritation or mild anger as you would at a common infraction of the rules. Then make a show of forgetting it. But don’t forget it; keep an eye on them and make sure that is the end of it. You don’t want to attach guilt or shame to something they will otherwise forget for lack of significance. Don’t make more of the event than they made of it. Then in your regular Bible story time with them, teach the law of God concerning adultery, incest, fornication, etc., but at an appropriate level to their age and understanding. Now what if the young children respond with strong guilt or shame? Make sure it is not just a reflection of the shock and shame on your face. If it is a true reflection of their souls, chances are this is not the first time and they are deriving some kind of illicit pleasure out of the event. They are knowingly violating their consciences. You have a sinner in the house. It is yet important to remain calm and in control. You need to separate the kids and talk to each one individually. As much as it pains you, get the whole story. It is now important to express controlled shame and disgust at their deeds, but not so intensely as to cause them to clam up. They need to see your sadness, your tears, your grief, but this will pass, so allow them space for repentance. Don’t create an atmosphere that will prevent them from feeling loved and forgiven. I have suggested that if the small child seems to be doing nothing more than experimenting out of curiosity, don’t highlight the moment by making a big deal out of it, and wait until later to teach them about Sodom and Gomorrah and the sin and judgment of King David. But if there is great guilt and shame, if this is a secret sin to the child, the time to teach is right now. Again, stay calm and in control. They have a spanking coming. If there are children involved who are not your own, and you feel the other parents will share your approach to discipline, and they are immediately available, they should be called to participate in the “court proceedings.” If you feel the other parents are not going to sympathize with your approach, separate out any that are not your own children and then deal with your kids alone. After briefly defining their transgression and telling them the evil of their deeds, with all of your children that were involved present, spank them soundly. If you are not in control of your emotions, save the spanking until you are. Do no harm to the child. That would be counterproductive. They need to see a dignified judge passing sentence, not an out of control personal response of violence. If they are expecting a spanking, by getting it out of the way, they will be more focused on what you have to say. Now sit them down for a serious Bible study on their sin and the consequences. If there are other children in the house who are aware of the foul deed, and are old enough to benefit from the teaching, they should sit in on the session, as well. As you teach, it will be appropriate to continue to express limited grief and sadness. More is caught than taught. You should have already been teaching these things to your kids in your regular Bible story lessons, but, if not, now is the time. For those who feel completely inept at teaching, I suggest the Sex Education for Children audio message that instructs kids in Biblical prohibitions against sexual sins. As a preventive measure, Deb and I addressed the subject to our children at least once a year, and from time to time they heard instruction and warning in sermons and adult Bible classes. All the children, of any age, sat in on the teaching.

Seven- to twelve-year-olds

Even where it concerns older children, all is not lost. There will be better days. Do you remember the story we have told of the beautiful homeschooled girl, lying in an uninsulated one-room shack with no water, electricity, or heat, delivering the baby of an empty-headed boyfriend? Deb, my wife, functioned as her midwife and then brought her and the child into our home to recover. The offended and insulted parents had shunned her to hide their own shame and protect the rest of the children from her bad influence. But her life got even worse after she married the father of her child and he took her to live in his father’s house. It wasn’t long before she discovered dark deeds involving a stepmother and trade-ups made in the night, things I cannot describe without being vulgar beyond bounds accepted in state prisons. She took her baby and fled to where even we could not locate her. The parents were brokenhearted to the point of treating her as if she were never born. It took about two years for her to surface. Today, fifteen years later, she is happily married to a fine man and has several more children by him. She is still a lovely person and no one would ever know that she walked the valley of the shadow of shame. I do not know how she now relates to her parents, but I wonder if they wish they had acted with a little more grace and hope. I have seen too many parents deal with a crisis like this by taking on a permanent state of sadness and rejection. They end up destroying the rest of the family and drive them all out of the home early. Teenagers can be amazingly volatile and foolish. They can scream they hate you and never want to see you again, disappear out of your life seemingly forever, and, one year later, be sitting at your kitchen table chatting like nothing ever happened. When they are thirty-five years old, married and with several kids, they will shake their heads in embarrassment at their foolish years. The question is, will you still be a part of their lives, or will you have responded with such anger and criticism that they chose to live without you? So what does it mean and how should you handle it when a seven- to twelve-year-old diverges into some form of sexual curiosity or activity? The age brackets I discuss are not rigid. You must understand the principle and adjust to the needs of your child. First, know that at this age it has the possibility of being serious. You must get all the facts first. If you immediately show great anger, they will likely clam up on you. Try to appear calm and objective as you ask questions. If it takes an hour to wear them down to telling all, then stay with it until you are confident you have gotten all the details. “Has this been going on for a long time? When and with whom did it start? What other expressions have you indulged in? Why do you do it? What has influenced you to do this—television, videos, computer, a peek at mommy and daddy, seeing someone else, viewing pornography in a magazine, contact with an adult?” Then ask them how they feel about what they were doing in secret. You want to discover how deeply they are violating their consciences. If you have not exposed your children to teaching against sexual promiscuousness, and have not taught them Bible stories that warn against such, then they may consider it not much more than stealing a cookie. If you determine this to be the case, it does not lessen the ramifications of the events, but it does modify the way you respond. Now is the time to show grief and sadness while you teach and instruct them against such practices. Commence a daily Bible study in which you teach the stories of God’s displeasure and judgment against sexual sins. Teach on sexual sins every day for about two weeks and then leave the subject and teach the greatness of God and his goodness and mercy and forgiveness. Teach the book of John or Mark, story by story all the way through. Teach the Psalms and especially Proverbs. As you come to the subject in Scripture, teach against sexual promiscuousness at least once a month. If, before the events, your children have been well-taught about the sinfulness of their deeds and they have indulged anyway, the problem is much more serious. They do not fear God and do not believe his Word. Ask yourself why and remedy that problem in the future. Willful sinners, of any age, who turn away from their consciences, are on the road to addiction and perdition. You need to bring the Biblical truth to bear in such a way that they fear to walk the dark path. In your teaching time, recount the horrors of hell and eternal suffering. Children who have violated their consciences will need to be soundly spanked after they have understood the awfulness of their sin. Their souls need the release that judgment brings. This will be one of those rare times when you give them more licks, distributed over a wider area so as not to bruise or damage the skin. They need to know this is an especially dark deed deserving of special judgment.

How should you respond when post puberty children engage in sexual conduct?

I know you understand this is a different matter altogether. Girls do not just grow into sexual interest and passion. They must be conditioned to it by some outside influence. But boys develop sexual passion by just going through puberty. No one need tell them anything. It is their destiny. Parents and the church must prepare boys for the transformation and temptation their hormones will bring. If a boy just follows his drives, he will become a predator and quickly develop into a deviant. Passion, fire, aggression, and violence are in the members of all fourteen-year-old boys. Only though self-restraint and discipline can a young man contain his passions and wait his turn to “possess his vessel in sanctification and honor”. I know of only two things that can constrain a young man—the morals and restraints of community, and the Word of God. All that we said concerning your response to a pre-puberty child is true here, but there is an important added element: you are now dealing with an adult—in various degrees, depending on age and maturity. The only restraint will be self-restraint. The kid must repent, change his mind about his actions and choose to suffer the pains of temptation in self-denial. Only by the power of the gospel in his life will this happen. Once the flower blooms there is no putting it back in the bud. The trick is to now keep it in the flower stage until it can be taken to a wedding.

How should we relate to children other than our own?

Once, a parent came to my wife shocked and upset. Her five-year-old son came to her telling how another boy, eight years old, had cornered him in an aggressive manner and demanded to see his “PP.” The five-year-old was afraid of the older boy but refused to expose himself. Good training! The mother acted as if she had just lost her innocence. “How could this happen among good Christian families?” Probably because they are sons of Adam, made of flesh. If you think otherwise you are naive at best. Now how should this mother and father relate to the family with the PP-peeking pervert? The short answer is, “Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple” (Romans 16:17–18). Look at the wording, “mark them.” Put a mark on them so you and everyone else can “avoid” them. As far as your children are concerned, the offender is as taboo as a rattlesnake. The offender will probably grow up to be normal, but know that he is part of the pool that will produce the small percentage of perverts that decorate the walls of post offices and occupy the cells of prisons. You should have compassion for the offender, and if you are in a position to minister to him, do so, but your first duty is to protect your children from rattlesnakes by never allowing them in the same yard together. That is not to say that you take your children and go home if the offender’s family ends up at the same gathering as yours, but it does mean that by all means you quietly and inoffensively take whatever steps are necessary to keep your children from ever spending five seconds alone in his presence. By alone I mean standing and talking within sight but out of hearing. We want to be balanced and compassionate. What if you are the parent of the offender? Would you want others to just throw your son away? Would you want the church and community to publicly mark him as a pervert? Of course not. Then do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You have two separate responsibilities. You must first assure the protection and sanctity of your son, and then you must do what you can to save the offender from his untoward behavior. Keep in mind that the offender will most likely grow up to be quite normal. It could have been just a moment of curiosity. We do not want to publicly destroy the young boy or girl and thereby force them into a life of isolation and anger. On the other hand, even if the event (and possibly several others like it) does not cause the boy to grow up to be a pervert or a predator, know that his possibly passing display of voyeurism or curious moment of exploration could have much more negative consequences on those whom he infects. He might grow up to be normal while he leaves behind weaker souls who grow up to hang out in the men’s rooms at interstate rest stops. We must be protectors first and healers second—but never persecutors.

Repeat offenders

If a nine-year-old is a repeat offender and has on more than one occasion tried to see the private members of another boy or girl, it is obvious that he has a chronic problem. Mark him to your children, by discussing the evil of his ways. Let your children see an attitude of disgust on the one hand and compassion and pity on the other. During your family worship time and in your bedtime prayers, pray for the offender’s lost soul. Never allow your children to play with or even talk to the child. It won’t do any good to change churches. Kids everywhere are offenders. Where you are now, at the very least, you have identified one offender. There are others in the same group—in any group, without exception. Deb spotted two post-puberty Amish girls in the creek feeling each other. When she confronted them they confessed that several of the girls carried on in such a manner in the two-stall privy at the one-room schoolhouse. When Deb had them confess to their parents, the parents were so uncomfortable discussing it that they dismissed her and buried the whole thing with silence. The girls appear to have grown up to be “normal,” except one.

Pretend it never happened

Many parents will pretend it never happened, or if it did happen it doesn’t mean anything. Once, in our own church service, a visiting girl who is homeschooled but attends a public church passed a note to one of our girls who has been known to offend. The note said...I can’t tell you what it said, but it had the strongest of lesbian content. The parents brushed it off with a smile and the remark, “Oh, you know, kids will be kids.” Yeah, and kids will be little Sodomites and fornicators as well. Remember, children died in Sodom and Gomorrah just like the adults. And when God sent Israel to possess wicked Canaan, he told them to kill every man, woman, and child. Yes, they could not adopt one of the beautiful little two-year-old girls, for the whole nation was conditioned to great immorality and infected with disease.

Judge and Jury

Do not become a persecutor of the offenders. Don’t act vindictively. Don’t despise the parents. Put yourself in their place. You could be there three years from now. Have compassion. Be sympathetic. By all means, protect your children, but don’t give your own kids cause to see you as hostile. You may generate sympathy for the offender and render yourself dislikeable in the eyes of your own kids.

Fourteen to eighteen-year-olds

There are two kinds of teenage offenses—consensual and predatory. Our response should reflect that difference. Predators should be reported to the law and incarcerated. It will be the end of their moral life, for they will be placed in a government institution with other perverts where they will prey on one another and learn all the foul arts of Sodom. It is sad, but under Mosaic law they would have been stoned to death. If you have teenagers that descend into the dark pit of sexual promiscuousness, it is too late to parent them into a course correction. When the member gets out of the pants it cannot be put back in except by the crucifying power of the Holy Spirit. (See my series, Sin No More.) Your job will be to manage them in a manner that minimizes the impact of their sin upon the rest of the family and upon others with whom they come in contact. If they are cooperative and repentant, thank God and show mercy and forgiveness. Offer support and try to normalize the relationship. If you become aware your child is involved in consensual sexual activity with a child about the same age, you must view both of them as equally guilty even though one of them may have been initially the experienced predator. There are too many variations for me to cover all the possibilities.

Extremes

My readers come in a variety of extremes. I know that it is impossible to communicate clearly with all of you. Some are so “compassionate” and afraid to offend that they will believe the best, cover sins with silence, and ignorantly act as if all is well, giving evil the cloak it needs to continue its insidious, undetected infestation. Other of my readers are “fearless defenders of the truth” who pride themselves in their stand for righteousness. They will recklessly condemn the guilty and mark in bright red the offenders, hounding them with condemnation until they are driven out of the company of “decent folks.” I would have to speak in the extreme, one way or the other, to reach the radical left and right on this or any issue. I am sad to confess that most of my readers will only remember those words that enforce their already preconditioned perspectives. The compassionate will avoid judgment and the judgmental will refuse to show compassion, as has been their manner all along.

Conflicted

I must confess that I am conflicted. Part of me would like to mark all the sinning children, separate our families, and shun the offenders altogether. But there is another part of me that wants to redeem the sinning children and weep with parents who must deal with these issues. One of the things that gives me hope is my many years of experience. God is merciful and longsuffering, and I have seen him forgive people I wouldn’t have buried with my dead dog. I have observed as God lifts a piece of trash from the ground and holds it to his heart. As I watch in awe, it turns into a lovely son or daughter of God. The useless is united with heaven itself, and he is not ashamed to call them brethren. I don’t want to get to heaven and find God hugging something I threw away. So, I say again, first protect your children, and then reach out in compassion to lost souls of any age. Secure the safety of your family and then become missionaries to an evil world. Just because the devil is clutching something, don’t fear to reach for it with a hand of mercy and a heart of grace. The blood of Jesus Christ covers a multitude of sin. (See my teaching from the book of Hebrews.) “And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6: 11).

Help Me Help You

There is so much I didn’t say and couldn’t cover in the space allowed. I am no expert on the subject. I am not a counselor on sexual matters. I would be glad to leave this subject to those more qualified, but there is a vacuum I have tried to fill. I welcome your input. It may well be that I am blind to some of the issues or have overlooked good solutions. As you share your perspectives I will learn from you and take that into consideration when addressing this subject in the future. For more information on how to talk to your kids about Biblical prohibitions against sexual sins, get Michael Pearl's audio message called Sex Education for Children, available at the NGJ Web Store.

Adrenaline Rush

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:45:26 +0000

Over the past couple months, my husband and I have been discussing how parents can help their boys get through those first few years of adolescence. They all have to go through it; there’s no way around it. And it comes just as certainly for the sweet boys as it does for the ornery ones. Of special concern is how we as parents can help our sons survive the most powerful force of their growing-up years that they will ever encounter—the girl-crazy years. As we began to consider the boys we know and analyze why one maintains his equilibrium while another loses his mind and self-control, we came to some important conclusions. All men, especially young men, need an “adrenaline rush,” something women cannot quite understand, but which men and boys love. The thought of climbing a tree, going fast in a car, jumping out of a plane, hitting a ball across a field, running a marathon, playing a chess game, competing in a spelling contest, or even preaching to a crowd, captivates and holds the imagination of almost all hormonal males. The list is endless. Every man’s adrenaline rush is where he finds it. It can be gambling or trading stocks, but no matter in what form it displays itself, beware, because any such rush can be addictive and controlling. Possibilities are all around us. A young boy can fall into his addiction by default—whatever is in vogue in his local environment. But parents, knowing the dangers that are out there, can set the stage for many constructive options. When my husband was only nine, his father put him on a dirt bike. What a rush! That created a growing passion for something bigger and faster than himself. His dad encouraged him and helped him repair old trucks and tractors. He was soon doing mechanic work for others and building his own race car. Always busy searching for this or that part, he went into his teen years with his energy and passion already consumed by his hobby. Girls were of interest, of course, but they never came around to the greasy old barn cluttered with parts. At night, his dreams were of wheels and motors. He still rides his basically homemade motorcycle and has several cars and trucks waiting for repairs parked all over the place. You’ve likely heard the common expression: “Boys never grow up; they just get bigger and more expensive toys.” Thankfully, we know that the kids and I are his greatest passion now. My brother’s never really cared much for mechanic work. Gabe took up hunting when he was only a kid and shot his first deer at the age of eleven. I remember him coming home with great excitement and telling us how he had sat frozen while a herd of deer passed by him. His hands shaking with “deer fever,” he waited, and finally got off a clear shot. He thought he missed and fired again. The deer ran and then stumbled. Another shot. The deer was down. He had done it—meat for the table—all by himself! When he burst in on our breakfast, I can remember how his excitement affected us. It was contagious. Dad, almost as excited as Gabe, left his breakfast and ran out to help him drag the deer home and skin it out. Gabe’s passion for hunting and fishing and the woods kept him busy during those girl-crazy years. It is very hard to think of chasing girls and hunting deer at the same time. But then there are the boys who are just sweet, book-reading, fun to be around, liking their mom, and just enjoying working around the house, playing games, helping with the other kids—you know, those boys whom we all wish we had. For us moms, they are easier to raise than the outdoors kind of boys. Yet when they hit puberty, the struggle for them is much greater than for those boys who are out playing, working, and fighting hard. They do not have an OUTLET to drain off the adrenaline and to burn up the hormones. Their imagination becomes an incubator for sexual adrenaline trips. What can we do to help prepare our sons for the time puberty hits? Way in advance of that “fateful” day, plant in them a vision, a dream for something that will grab their attention and keep them preoccupied from childhood onward and through their adolescent years. Last week I saw on the news where hundreds of young children had gotten together to have a chess competition. They showed the children sitting perfectly still, all their attention focused on the chessboard; they had a vision. They had developed a powerfully strong interest in competitive chess. Look carefully and prayerfully at your young tender boys, and notice what most inspires them. Be creative, and start right now to guide them into the pursuit of their dreams. Left to themselves, they are vulnerable and easy prey for the Evil One, who like a lion is out there seeking to devour them. At all costs, don’t leave them to experience the adrenaline rush alone and unprepared. “…A child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15).

Need a Spouse…ANYONE?

Debi Pearl — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:05:41 +0000

We have three sisters who live in our area. They are blessed to have a very wise and caring older brother. I know this to be so, because once in a while he will send word that one or all of his sisters are to show up at his church (an hour’s drive from their home) or to some social function. The girls once explained to me that when their brother gets to know Godly young men, he sets up scenarios for his sisters to meet these possible suitors. So far, none of the sisters (all under 20 years old) have found spouses, but no doubt they will, because their brother is looking out for them. About now, most of you are probably asking, “What about their dad? Shouldn’t that be his responsibility?” Maybe, maybe not, especially for the search part of it. Consider this: In this particular case, the brother is in the same age bracket as the potential suitors. He will get to know the guys in many situations, including when their guard is down. And, when it comes to arranging a meeting of the guys with the girls, he is not nearly as scary as Dad would be. The potential suitor would be more comfortable working through the brother to arrange a casual meeting with a sister than he would working with a dad who might make too much out of the young man’s agreement to meet one of his girls. Most young men would like some time to get to know the girls without being put through the wringer immediately and without making a commitment to the father before they are sure they even like the girl. Due to the current conservative, complicated courtship hoops through which young men are expected to jump in order to get a sweetie, many homeschooled young men are opting out. They are finding their spouses outside the “courtship pool,” leaving a lot of young girls unsought after and twiddling their thumbs at home, waiting for someone who is off fishing in easier waters. All three of our girls, Rebekah, Shalom, and Shoshanna, got to know their prospective spouses due to their brothers’ previous acquaintance with them. Gabe was always actively checking out guys. As he got to know the young men, he informed us of their potential. Most of them did not meet with his approval, and that pretty much settled it for us. Gabe might in passing say that this guy is lazy. Yuck…who wants a lazy son-in-law? Occasionally he would say, “I like that guy. He works hard and seems to have genuine love for God.” The unsuspecting fellow automatically got placed on our “potentials list.” When opportunity presented itself, I invited him to dinner and treated him real nice. Of course, most of the young men that we surveyed never knew what we were up to, but neither did they ever ask for one of our girls. Just think what they MISSED! Scores of young men asked for Shalom. She was gentle, cute, hard-working, and always cheerful, in addition to being the most compliant girl you have ever met. But before they ever made it to our door to talk to Daddy Mike, most of them were already discounted as possibilities. Gabe or Nathan had seen to that with their reports. Big brothers were watching out for their sisters, especially the sweet one. Of course, the sisters also tried to return the favor. They visited and got to know girls the brothers would mention. “She’s moody; strike her out. She’s lazy; zip. She talks bad about her daddy; boo on her. She’s cheerful; check her out.” Mike tried to help the boys by bringing girls in to visit or sending them off to meet girls, but his taste in females and our boys’ taste in females were never the same. Dad struck out as the matchmaker every time. I didn’t do much better, although I kept trying, bless my ever-loving heart. I guess the moral to this tale is—Brothers, do your duty! If you have older unmarried sisters…shame on you. Get out and meet some men who might be a proper match for your sisters. Invite them home, plan a big feed. Talk to your sisters. Talk PLAIN, bold and direct with them. Tell them what each guy likes and dislikes, his dreams and his ambitions, his taste in food and styles. Talk to your guy friends. Say something like this, “Hey, you looking for a bride? I got four sisters and would consider it a privilege for you to drop in and take your pick. My parents trust my judgment and I’m giving you high marks. Of course, my sisters are picky, and they have the last word, but I’ll throw in a good word for you with them, too. Now, the oldest sister is kinda bossy, but she always gives in after a little persuasion. She’s the smartest. So if you think you would enjoy a little challenge but get a good mate for the extra effort…she’s your gal. My next sister is not so cute, but she is the nicest of the bunch. Whoever gets her will do well, because she already makes a pile of money in her business. Then, maybe you like loud mouths. My third sister is for sure, but she can make everybody laugh. She is the life of the party. I have to admit, I like taking her with me when I travel because she gets to know everyone so easy. You’re kinda quiet, so she might be the best for you. My youngest sister is still too young for marriage, so just forget about her unless you want to go on her list of possible guys for when she gets a little older. If you’re interested in her, I can e-mail you in three or four years. So how about it…wanta check out the fam? I got four other guys coming Sunday for brunch, so you better hurry if you want the pick of the litter.” Perhaps you think I am a pretty bold old lady. You just might be right. Then again…maybe I’m a smart, bold old lady. But what I do know positively is that I have ended up with five good sons and daughter-in-laws and 15 grandkids with many more to come—no old maids or sons living at my home! Love, marriage and the baby carriage make life so sweet. Wise up, you brothers. A bunch of good sisters are sitting at home somewhere waiting…and waiting…and waiting.

Response from Bill Gothard

Bill Gothard — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 11:15:36 +0000

In a previous article I characterized the teaching of Bill Gothard in a manner that is not representative of his views. He graciously called to inform me of his position. I asked him to document his views in a letter to me. Here is Bill Gothard's letter in its entirety. Dear Michael, I appreciated our phone conversation a few days ago, and I am happy to clarify and expand on the points that we talked about. When Is a Family Established? I was pleased to learn from your recent article, “The Balanced Patriarch,” that you and your wife were able to attend a Basic Youth Conflicts Seminar in the early 1970s. That seminar was born out of the Biblical concept to turn “the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers” (Malachi 4:6). (See also Luke 1:17.) In this seminar, we explain that a man is to leave his father and mother when he gets married and is no longer under their authority. (See Matthew 19:5.) However, many husbands are not prepared or equipped for the challenges that they are going to face in their marriage and family. Therefore, we encourage them to get as much counsel as they can from wise and Godly sources, including parents and parents-in-law, because “in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). Also, it is Scriptural for every man to be accountable to older, Godly men: “Ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble” (I Peter 5:5). Your question on the authority of a father is answered in a booklet titled Pavilions of Protection, which I am sending you under separate cover. What Damages a Father’s Leadership? Whenever a father asks for counsel regarding a rebellious son or daughter, one of my first questions is “Do you have a problem with anger?” Almost every dad says, “Yes.” In talking with groups of young people, I ask them the same question, and almost all of them acknowledge that their fathers have a problem with anger. I know of nothing that destroys the spirit of a marriage or a dad’s relationship with his children faster than anger. Many of these fathers have gone through counseling and seminars and still continue to have the problem. Recently, we have discovered a major cause of this anger. Most men have painful memories of hurts in the past or memories of things that they did to hurt others. If they did not respond by forgiving their offenders or by asking forgiveness for their offenses, they became vulnerable to Satan’s lies, such as “You are stupid” or “You’ll never amount to anything” or “People are out to hurt you.” All these experiences and the lies that go with them are filed away in the heart and mind of that young man. In the future, when someone tells him that he has done something stupid, or he is frustrated, or he feels like a failure, all the pain and guilt of the past flares up in anger. We have found that by helping dads transform these painful memories by applying the commands of Christ, they are able to experience victory over anger, as well as to overcome guilt, lust, bitterness, greed, fear, and envy. For more information, please visit www.LifePurposeHealth.com. What Is a Patriarchal Family? God has given three law systems to mankind. The first was given to one family, Adam and Eve. The second was given to Israel, the law of Moses. The third was given to all nations, the commands of Christ. All three are referred to by Jesus in Matthew 19 when He discusses divorce. This is important, because if we base our teaching on the family only on the Old Testament patriarchal model, we will run into problems with Jesus’ teaching on the family in the New Testament. Under the Mosaic law, the nation of Israel was not to have social interaction with other nations, and everything in their society was built around the family. In the New Testament, we are to proclaim the Gospel of Christ to all nations, and this is to be the priority of every family member. A true patriarchal family understands that they are the spiritual seed of Abraham and are therefore heirs of the promise God gave him, along with its responsibilities. “Know ye therefore that they which are of faith, the same are the children of Abraham. And the Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the heathen through faith, preached before the gospel unto Abraham, saying, In thee shall all nations be blessed. So then they which be of faith are blessed with faithful Abraham” (Galatians 3:7–9). We are to bless all nations by giving them the glorious Gospel of Christ, which encompasses all of His commands. “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations . . . all things whatsoever I have commanded you” (Matthew 28:19–20). What Is a Kingdom Family? “Absolute loyalty” to the family is a key factor of an out of balance patriarchal family model. However, as He did so often with various aspects of the Ten Commandments and the Mosaic law, Jesus explained a higher precedent affecting family loyalties when He was told, “Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee” (Matthew 12:47). Jesus answered, “Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother” (Matthew 12:48–50). This is not to take away from the need for sons and daughters to honor and obey their parents, especially in regard to standards and choice of a marriage partner, nor is it to diminish the need for parents to train up sons and daughters to be Godly ambassadors of truth. In these matters, there must be a higher loyalty to the Lord than to the family. Jesus taught this when He said: “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:34–37). Why Do Teens Turn Against Standards? Why are young people who have been trained up in a Godly home and kept from the corrupting influences of the world suddenly deciding to reject their upbringing and adopt the standards and ways of the world? There are many contributing factors. However, I believe that a foundational reason is that young people have not been trained in how to lead people to Christ and to disciple them with the commands of Christ. I have asked thousands of homeschooled young people, “How many of you have led someone to Christ?” In response, only a few hands have been raised. This is shocking! When Christian young people have no “labor and travail” over the spiritual birth and growth of others, they see no real reasons for higher standards. Disciples expect and even demand higher standards of those who are teaching them the ways of God. It was his concern for the spiritual well-being of his disciples that motivated Paul to set aside his own personal freedoms in Christ. He declared, “Wherefore, if meat make my brother to offend, I will eat no flesh while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend” (I Corinthians 8:13). One of the ways that we have found to remedy this deficiency is by having teams of young people go on a ten-day Journey to the Heart. They learn how to love God with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and then they are shown how to lead others to Christ and to disciple them in the commands of Christ. Almost all of the 1,400 who have completed a Journey so far have had a life-changing experience. How Do Parents Make Children Their “Idols?” About five months ago, a distraught father asked for counsel regarding the conflicts in his family. He feared for the physical safety of his two daughters because of the anger of their mother. When the daughters were released by the father for ministry outside the home, they quickly recovered from the abusive home atmosphere and their mother had an opportunity to reevaluate her relationship with them. A month later, the mother asked her daughters to forgive her for her anger. Then she revealed a powerful insight that has transformed her thinking. She realized she was expecting things from her daughters that only God could give her, such as approval, security, and fulfillment. When we expect things from people that only God can give us, we make them our idols, and we cannot love our idols, because this love is based on getting from them rather than giving to them. Should Daughters Give Their Hearts to Their Dads? When I first heard the concept of a daughter giving her heart to her dad for safekeeping until she got married, it sounded like a good idea. It was certainly far better than giving parts of her heart to different boyfriends and then having very little left for her future husband. However, there is a major factor that this concept overlooks and, as a result, we are now seeing serious breakdowns. Several fathers have acknowledged that they do not really know what to do with their daughters’ hearts, and other daughters who have given their hearts to their fathers are deeply hurt and disillusioned when their fathers fail in their walk with God or their attitudes toward them. We must return to the first and greatest commandment, which is to give our whole hearts to our heavenly Father. Then we are to dedicate our bodies to Him and yield our members as instruments of righteousness so that He can love others through us. It is then no longer a matter of trying to love God, parents, marriage partner, children, or others with our love, but rather it is a matter of allowing God to love them through us with His perfect love. Should Daughters be “Keepers at Home” or Seekers of God’s Kingdom? A family who is following Christ must make it their first priority to seek God’s Kingdom and His righteousness. Each family member should look for ways to advance God’s Kingdom by living out His commands and teaching them to others. The new emphasis on daughters being “keepers at home” is based on Titus 2. This instruction is clearly written to wives and mothers: “to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:4–5). There is a great need for fathers to protect their daughters, especially from going out of the home for education or jobs that would influence them to reject what they have learned from Scripture. However, to say that this passage prohibits a father from sending out an older daughter for ministry outside the home is both unscriptural and impractical. It is creating major problems, as evidenced by the overwhelming response to your recent articles. Some who promote this teaching state that even though the passage is written to married women, it is wise for older daughters to also learn how to be a “keeper at home.” This is fine. However, it is one thing to learn how to be a “keeper at home” and another matter to be required to be one to the exclusion of ministry outside the home. By such a requirement, they make no practical distinction between a married woman and a single adult daughter. However, Scripture makes a clear distinction between these two: “There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (I Corinthians 7:34). God compares children to arrows in the hand of a mighty man. (See Psalm 127:4.) A mighty warrior does not keep his arrows in his house. He carefully sends them out on important missions and then retrieves them for the next assignment. This should be the pattern of incremental release so that both sons and daughters can do great exploits for God and have a passion for God’s Kingdom, which they can then instill in their sons and daughters when they do get married. There are many more factors that should be discussed on this very important issue, but I trust that these points will be a help to parents who are courageously going against the tide of our culture and want more than anything else to raise up sons and daughters who are mighty in God’s Spirit. Through Christ our Lord, Bill Gothard, PhD President, Institute in Basic Life Principles

College from Home

Shawn Cohen — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 11:30:10 +0000

For decades now, my parents have thought outside the box regarding my education. I’m a homeschool graduate and incredibly thankful that my dad and mom stood against the cultural norm of public school and followed the Lord to give me the most godly, biblically-sound education they knew how. What saddens me these days, however, is that thousands of Christian homeschooling parents are sending their kids off to college campuses for five or six years to fit into a university system that is morally corrupt and economically disastrous for the next generation of God’s people. In fact, current statistics show that around 70% of Christian freshman will walk away from God after they graduate. Although we might wonder how many of these people were truly believers to begin with, the reality remains that these people may be forever lost to hearing any spiritual truth the rest of their lives. On top of this, according to the National Center for Education Statistics, families pay anywhere from $41,000 to $107,000 on their degrees, leaving students, on average, $21,000 in debt. And that’s not all—other statistics suggest that 80% of people that major in a field end up doing something entirely different from what they majored in. Some have looked at these trends and concluded that college is completely a waste of time and money and that it just simply puts their kids at too much risk. I agree with that assessment. I’ve spent time on college campuses, and I know that the perversion taking place openly in the classroom is bad enough, let alone the depravity that students engage in secretly. Christians just don’t need to be in that ungodly atmosphere unless it’s absolutely necessary to complete the degree God has called them to. I’m excited that there’s another option for higher education than the local college or university. Here’s my story. I’ve been interested in writing and communications for years and soon after I finished a Bible school program, I worked as an editorial assistant for a small Christian publishing company. Because I enjoyed the work so much, I thought that I’d stay on there for years. Then it hit me—God was calling me to something different. I wanted to be a writer and the Lord made it clear that completing an English degree would do wonders for my writing skills and creativity. I didn’t have the time or the money to do college like millions of teenagers do every year. I was already 25 and living on my own, and taking out thousands of dollars in college loans was simply out of the question. I didn’t want to be saddled with debt for decades after my education ended, so I started looking around for an alternative. Now, I didn’t have to look far before I heard about a process called “credit by exam” that would enable me to take tests that counted for college credit. Credit by exam allowed me to study college level courses at my own pace and then take a CLEP or DANTES exam that would give me between 3 and 12 credits if I passed it. Instead of sitting through hours of humanistic instruction from atheistic professors, I studied from the comfort of my own home and, on average, completed semester-long courses in a few days or weeks. For instance, I passed the Spanish CLEP test that counts for 12 credits, completing 10% of my entire degree in one exam. These days, a lot of people are using CLEP exams to get college credit for knowledge gained outside the classroom. However, many families are electing for someone to guide them through their children’s degree process. I used a Christian coaching service called CollegePlus! that assigned a coach to me and mapped out my entire template so I knew from the outset every exam and course I would need to take to complete my degree and how to study for them. In fact, my entire English degree cost under $10,000! Additionally, I completed my studies and coursework in less than a year. That’s 120 credits, an entire bachelor’s degree, in 49 weeks since I didn’t transfer in a single credit when I started studying. All this in fewer than 12 months, a process that takes the traditional college student five to six years to complete. In fact, I believe in CollegePlus! so much that I went to work for them full time after I graduated. Best of all, these degrees are fully regionally accredited (the highest form of accreditation in America). Grads who have used this process are confidently entering the workforce or are going on to grad schools at the school of their choice. Even more radically, many homeschoolers are using these proven accelerated distance learning methods and are even combining high school and college together earning their entire bachelor’s degree by age 18! Completing a distance learning degree just makes sense. As one university professor said recently, the college system is broken. He’s not the only one to see this—other professors actually encourage their children to avoid the college campus where they teach in favor of distance learning. Even they see that it’s logical for homeschoolers to finish their degree in high school, intern or work for a few years while living at home, and then go on to a master’s degree, if their chosen career field requires graduate school training. Incidentally, more employers than ever want their prospective employees to have a master’s degree because so many applicants these days have already completed their bachelor’s level training. Now more than ever parents need to be concerned about their children’s education instead of leaving it in the hands of unbelieving college professors. Thankfully, because of the technology that has been developed in recent decades, kids don’t need to be exposed to the moral depravity festering on the typical college campus. They can complete their degrees from home, under their parents’ nurturing authority. These days, no one needs to settle for completing higher education the world’s way. Shawn is public relations manager at CollegePlus! To learn more about the growing trend of students who are combining high school and college, visit Distance Learning to get a free e-book and audio download on distance learning. Also, when requesting information use promo code NGJ08 for a special discount. Editor’s Note: Shawn is the middle son of Mel Cohen, our General Manager.

Hands-On Boys

The Otto Brothers — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 11:25:20 +0000

Boys have a natural inclination to want to investigate, discover, and build. Every parent, including single moms, can answer this call by providing for their son some junk…yep, you read it correctly…junk. Allow your boys time and space to build things out of cardboard boxes, discarded wood, nails, hinges, wheels, rope, gears, motors, bikes etc. “Junk” is several steps up from Legos, Lincoln Logs, Erector Sets, and similar prefabricated learning toys. It’s more like real life, where it doesn’t all fit together so perfectly and you have to use your imagination to improvise. And it never gets boring. Real stuff has to be cut and drilled, sanded and fitted, carved and shaped, glued and clamped, torn down, tied together, rebuilt and bolted in, cleaned up and soldered, welded, sanded and painted. And the great thing about boys creating something out of junk is that they are allowed to make a wrong cut, or some sort of “oops”, without wasting what would otherwise be expensive and important material. There is no condemnation in failure. Messing with junk is an inexpensive way to allow them to develop confidence and creative imagination. Furthermore, when a boy is consumed with his latest project, he will not be wanting to watch television or play some electronic game. He will be highly motivated from daylight to dark, rising early to “get back to work.” I was recently speaking with my older brother Chris, whose parenting I highly respect, and he recalled his early experiences of “playing“ with junk as a kid and how he developed strong mechanical skills at an early age. So I asked him to write about it and to tell us what he’s now doing with his six boys. Chris Otto writes: When I was a kid, my mom used to give me old junk appliances, radios, blenders and all sorts of stuff to take apart. I remember that, at first, I could never figure out how to get the stuff open, so I would take a hammer and break it to see what was inside. I didn’t understand what all the different stuff was, but I remember I liked breaking the old tubes inside TVs because they made a loud pop (Later they told me that was pretty dangerous.) The junk kept arriving, and in time I learned how I could get it apart with a screwdriver and other simple hand tools. As I continued, I learned to pull off switches and buttons to make my own inventions, like an electric shocker doorknob to surprise my younger brother (Later they told me that was pretty dangerous, also.) As I got older, my interest shifted to cars and motors. I knew very little about how an engine worked, but was offered the opportunity to work for a well-respected mechanic who lived nearby. I started out just washing parts and cleaning up, but before long there was a blue AMC Hornet that came into the shop. I will never forget it. It started up, but it ran rough and choppy. My boss diagnosed the problem and did a lot of work on the motor, expecting to solve the trouble. But still, it continued rough and choppy. Twice this happened, and the second time my boss got mad and took a trip into town to get something, leaving me there alone with the car. As I sat there thinking it over, I considered what I knew about how an engine worked, and what might be happening. Then it occurred to me, “Maybe the exhaust is plugged!” So I proceeded to disconnect the exhaust to see what would happen. Sure enough, I was right. I had solved the problem, and gained the respect of my boss when he returned. Those were important years for me, even though I didn’t pursue a career as a mechanic. When people hear about the many things like this that I have done, they say, “How did you know that?” But as I’ve thought about it, it’s really not so much about experience and knowledge as it is confidence, confidence I had gained much earlier, through tinkering with old appliances. What happens then when the microwave oven doesn’t go on, or water doesn’t come out when you turn the handle at the sink? The standard answer is “Time to buy a new microwave!” and “Call the plumber.” I know many of you are thinking or saying, “I have more important things to do with my time.” But your sons are not going to develop confidence and self-reliance in practical living if they are not exposed to creative repair and construction. There will be many broken items that we dads cannot fix, but at least we will know what went wrong, and we will not be at the complete mercy of the repairman. The first response that runs through the mind of a man when the microwave doesn’t come on should be, “Let’s open it up and see what’s wrong with it,” not “I wonder how much a new one will cost me?” Father, and even single moms, you may protest that you are too ignorant to fix anything. Don’t be afraid to do something just because you have never done it before. Start out with some of your old junk, like a broken vacuum cleaner, blender, food processor, or fan. If you don’t have any of this stuff and you don’t want to wait around for yours to stop working, talk to a friend or neighbor or go to a second-hand store or a garage sale and buy something just to “tinker with it”. If you have a friend who is a bit handier with repairing things, he’s likely to be able to answer your questions or steer you in the right direction. Try setting apart a couple hours every week just to tinker together on a project with your boys. We do this a couple times a month on Saturday mornings. We invite any young boy who has any desire whatsoever to work in the shop with us. We have done things like fixing the recoil on a chainsaw, taking apart old appliances, pulling the motor out of a truck, tearing apart a small V-6 engine and learning how all the parts work together. We’ve also built a basement bedroom; and currently we’re tearing a Jeep down to its frame and rebuilding it. Tim Otto writes: My brother Chris went on to tell me a story about his two oldest boys, Zach and Sam, ages 14 and 12: A woman from church pulled into their driveway with a couple boxes of brake pads, asking if they could help fix the brakes on her car. Zack and Sam jacked up the car, and totally completed the brake job from start to finish, as my brother watched in his clean church clothes. “I didn’t get a spot of dirt on me,” he recalled with a grin. “They really did it all. All I did was make sure all the bolts were tight enough when they were done.” Not every boy is going to choose to work with his hands when he is grown, but I contend that it’s a much more constructive way to raise boys than allowing them to “play” with those “sugar-toys” I see advertised out there. I’ve generally kept that candy-colored trash and those electronic nuisance-toys out of my house. I think it creates a buzz that runs contrary to natural order. Besides, the abundance of it in a home leaves less room for a child to be creative with scraps of wood, cardboard, or other available resources. Recently, my 9-year-old boy wanted to give his sisters a ride around the driveway in the wheelbarrow, but he found that it was still a little too big for him. So he went ahead and made his own wheelbarrow out of some scrap wood and a junk wagon wheel. He was pretty tickled to show me what he had done, and I savored the revelation of his spawning ingenuity. My friend’s son (13 years old) showed me the beginnings of a pontoon boat he’s building out of wood from his dad’s sawmill. His first attempt sank to the bottom of the creek, but he’s back at it, working out a better design. These boys are being taught to use real tools and materials, overcome difficult obstacles, and to solve real problems. If you see the value of raising “hands-on boys”, then be a “hands-on dad”. When a parent allows their child’s course to be set by the wind of chance, the current of the Nile, or the vapor of mere academics, they’re either praying for an unlikely miracle or are guilty of neglect. So, train up your boys in the way they should go, and a few positive experiences can lead to a few thousand more. Watch over them. Teach them to be safe. Help give them what they need to succeed, and let their appetite for manhood begin!