No Greater Joy Ministries » Low Self-Esteem

Wisdom

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 11:10:05 +0000

We all know that it is not good to call our friends mean names, or take toys away from them, or push them down. But did you know that sometimes you can make them sad by just bragging about yourself? “I can read so good. Can you read?” “I have a nice, big, new bike; your bike is kind of old, isn’t it?” “The picture I colored is so nice. Is that the best you can do on your picture?” “I get to go swimming every day; too bad you can’t.” It is best not to talk about things that could make others feel bad. You need wisdom to know when to talk and when to keep your mouth shut. God tells us to just ask and he will give us wisdom. It is important to get wisdom when you are young so that when you are older you can teach your own children. —Shalom Brand

What I Want in a Guy!

A Young Woman — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:15:28 +0000

These experiences have helped me figure out who I am today, and have been instrumental in showing me what I need in a husband. When I was 17, my cousins and friends, who are a few years older than I, all started getting married. So I naturally thought, “Well, I guess I should get married, too, because it seems to be the next step in life.” But the guy I would have married then and the guy I would marry now are two completely different types of men. I didn’t even know myself yet, much less what I should look for in a man. I think, as homeschoolers, we are raised with the idea that marriage is the next important step in the school of life. I believe that attitude limits a person. I want to do something significant with my life, including learning all I have a capacity to comprehend, all for the purpose of making an eternal difference. I encourage girls to think: What are your dreams, what do you want to do, what do you want to know? Get out and do something, whether it’s starting a business (which could include homemaking skills), or buying a piece of land. Go help out a missionary for six months. It will give you a whole new outlook on life and an appreciation for missionaries! It will grow you, give you more confidence, and help you figure out what you need in a husband. Every man is attracted to a woman who’s busy with abundant life, someone who is on the front side of making things happen. Years ago I was chatting with a married couple who are good friends of mine, and who know me well. They helped me to figure out what I, personally, needed in a man. I wrote a list that day of five things I most need in a man! 1. I know that I need a Strong Leader who’s not going to let me shove him around. I want someone who is going to stand up and be the man! 2. Yet I need someone who is Open-minded, who will listen to all my crazy theories about life! 3. He needs to be Passionate, so that whatever he does, he does it with a fire under his boots! 4. I want him to be Spontaneous, full of zeal about life, and not afraid to jump into an adventure. I am a very enthusiastic person, and I love to do things on the spur of the moment. I want to marry someone I can jump on board with! 5. And I must have a man who Loves and Honors God and is already actively serving the Lord and has a deep-seated vision for life.

What I Am Looking for in a Wife

A Young Man — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:10:11 +0000

What am I looking for in a Wife?

I want a girl who's interested in friendship first. I’ve run into three types of girls over the years—two of them make me chuckle, but with a hint of sorrow inside. The third class I’ve observed always makes me stop and think. And smile.

Just Say Hi But Don’t Be Ferocious

There are two types of young ladies, one at either end of the “girl spectrum.” The first is most prevalent in ultra conservative, homeschool settings. She ignores the existence of the guys around her, believing the lie that any interaction with a guy is either sinful or premature romantic involvement. That’s just wrong—God created both genders to edify and challenge each other! I would say to that girl, just get over yourself, and say hi! Then there’s the other extreme, the “ferocious females.” Now, I have to say that I appreciate energetic, engaging girls. What concerns me, however, is that with some of these young ladies, they display a sense of discontent with their singleness. “Need” is not attractive in a girl. When a girl already has an interesting life, she then has something to bring to the marriage.

Looking for Sarah

This brings us to the type of girl that is very appealing and attractive. I like it when a young lady I meet takes the time to both talk and listen, especially when God has given us similar passions in life. And I believe that mutual passion that has the power to keep us together for a lifetime. At least, I think so. Remember, I’m still single. Beyond that, my attention is always piqued when a girl is walking in the freedom of Christ. The most attractive women I’ve met are those who are satisfied where they are, yet are open for more of what God has for them. This is a freedom only God can give. But I’m looking for one more thing: confidence. A girl who has placed her confidence in Christ, who isn’t “afraid with any amazement” (1 Peter 3:6) but resembles Sarah—that’s a girl who will make any guy turn his head. Including this one. My happily married brother has wisely told me, “Find a girl who is willing to follow. But you must be willing to give up as much as you’ve asked her to give up.” That’s what Sarah and Abraham did. They followed God even when they didn’t understand what he wanted. Sarah trusted God despite Abraham’s deficiencies. Sarah wasn’t afraid. She was confident in God. Yeah, I’m keeping my eye out for Sarah.

A Dog’s Day

Tremaine Ware — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 11:10:21 +0000

Dear Pearls, We had a training session for a silly son not long ago, which I thought you might enjoy hearing. One day while at the dinner table, the children and I were talking and carrying on, when my daughter says to me, “Bubba ate dog food today”. My face must have reflected confusion because I surely couldn’t believe I had heard her correctly. “What?” So she says again, “Bubba ate dog food today.” At this, all the kids started giggling. I turned to my eight-year-old son and asked him, “Did you eat dog food?” Giggling, he answered, “Yes.” Then my daughter who is three years old spoke up and said, “I did too.” So I asked her, “Why did you do that?” She answered, “Because Bubba did.” Then I asked my son why he ate dog food, and he said, “I just wanted to see what it tasted like.” When I began to tell him about how he as the older brother needed to be more mindful of what he’s doing because it will/can influence his younger brothers and sisters, he just laughed and thought it was funny. He took my admonition very lightly, pretty much ignoring what I was saying. He then proceeded to say how he wanted to eat more dog food. Where had my wise son gone? I set out to find him again. So I set him up for a fall. “You do?” I asked, “Don’t you think that’s pretty silly, seeing that your mother fixes us good food, and here you are wanting to eat dog food?” While I was talking, he got up from the table, still giggling, then went over and got a handful of dog food and commenced eating it. I have to admit, at this point, I was genuinely disgusted, both at his silliness and at the thought of him eating dog food. My face must have reflected my feelings, because he just laughed and said in a challenging way, “Whaaat?” As if it was no big deal, and like he seriously enjoyed eating the dog food. This was getting gross, besides the fact that my sober son was acting like a goofy nincompoop. I stopped right there with dinner and told him that since he thought it was so funny to eat dog food and since he seemed to enjoy it so much, he had to give the dog his food and he could not have anything else for dinner or breakfast but dog food. We had a fine dinner. My wife can out-cook any woman alive. He is a growing boy with a BIG appetite. Oh, he tried to play it off, but the gravity of the consequence for his foolishness began to set in after about two minutes of wallowing the dry, gritty stuff around in his mouth, until he had to spit it out. His countenance changed, his giggling stopped and his foolishness was over. He had repented. He was hungry, but our deal was binding. He stayed hungry until the next day. I got my sober son back. – An Alert Dad Tremaine Responds Simple occasions like this can become defining moments…establishing what a boy is becoming. Each foolish happening must be considered and brought under control either by constrained consequences or by the rod. I’m sure there isn’t a child out there who hasn’t done something equally as foolish at least once. Most parents are not weeding out foolishness like this wise dad, but are allowing it to continue, thinking it must just be just a passing stage. Discounting all the early signs, parents are shocked and surprised when their children grow up to be teenage fools. The Bible says, “…a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15). It is truly embarrassing to see your children acting like fools. Proverbs 17:21 He that begetteth a fool doeth it to his sorrow: and the father of a fool hath no joy. Proverbs 17:25 A foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness to her that bare him. Proverbs 19:13 A foolish son is the calamity of his father… Proverbs 10:1…a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother. God instructed us to teach our children sobriety. There is a difference between childishness and foolishness. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:1, “When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child.” Childishness is immaturity, but it should not include “acting” the silly fool. Don’t pass over foolishness as a child-like behavior. So then, where does foolishness come from? The Bible says in Proverbs 22:15, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” Foolishness is pure silliness (in word or actions). Fools are born, but a wise, sober son is carefully cultivated. What can a parent do? At the first foolish word or deed, bring it to their attention; tell them how silly it is, and express your displeasure in proportion to the act and situation. Arrange a consequence for every foolish thing they do, while exhorting them to be sober minded (to think soberly). Show them with your own life how we should live soberly. Hold each child accountable according to their level of maturity. “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul” (Pr 29:17). If your son is already foolish, how do you fix the problem? The Bible clearly tells us what action(s) we must take if we are going to produce wise and sober children. • Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. • Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom … • Proverbs 20:30 The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly . • Proverbs 19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. • Proverbs 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. (14) Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. As parents whose intent is to bring our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, out of love we won’t spare the rod, but we do understand that “no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby” (Hebrews 12:11). Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

What does it mean to be a Man?

Michael Pearl — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 11:00:03 +0000

It's time to draw the line between boys and men. You girls will likely say, “Well, that doesn’t apply to me.” Oh, but it does! Someday you are going to marry, and you will want to pick out a real man, not half a man. I see a lot of young girls married to thirty-year-old boys who never quite made it to manhood. So, what is a real man? The answer will differ from one part of the country to the other and from one social group to another. But, to sum it up in a single sentence, a real man is someone who does his duty and doesn’t shun the hard work that is necessary in providing for all the needs of his family. A real man may never pick up a knife or a gun, or drive a tractor, or operate a chain saw, or do anything that requires being tough and burly. But he is still a real man if he does his duty with grace and fortitude, not crumbling under the load, always getting up when life and circumstances knock him down. That is a real man. A real man may not have tough hands, but he will have a tough spirit that rises to the high calling of duty. It is not about being macho; it is about taking responsibility. Sometimes a man has to do what is unpleasant. That is the demarcation line. Boys stop and look for sympathy and understanding, while the men keep going into territory where it gets hard, painful, and more than that, boring—sickeningly and painfully boring. But they go resolutely on and do it because it has to be done. Men don’t put it off until tomorrow, that nebulous time where it is certain to never get done; they knuckle down and do their duty today. That is a real man. Many teenagers think that becoming a man is a matter of chronological age. Those who wait for it to happen find that it never does. Over the years, I have seen young men finish school, having been the president of the class, voted most likely to succeed, being the star player on the football team, the captain of the wrestling club, the guy all the girls wanted to date, and the “man” no one would “mess with” because he could whip any three boys in school. But one year after graduation, he couldn’t whip one week at work. Likewise, I have seen boys who excel in academics, being much smarter than all their teachers, and the envy of every student. Their parents are confident that their sons will achieve great success. But for all their brains and talent, they can’t hold down a job. When they are forty years old, they are still little boys depending on parents or a working wife, or government programs to take care of them and their families. Their smarts are used up on the computer, and they get lost in cyberspace. I see many of their faces as I write. I watched their progress (decline) from eight years of age to fifty. In most cases, you could have observed them at twelve years old and predicted quite accurately that they would not grow up to be real men. As caring parents, you are concerned that your sons grow up to be men in every sense of the word, and you should be. It is the difference between a successful life, and one of endless excuses and inevitable personal and family shame.. So, what does it take for a teenager to graduate into the ranks of manhood? It takes a will to suffer the pain of doing one’s duty. A French philosopher once said, “All work is pain.” And, so it has been for all boys who ever became men. I would much rather play than work, but even play gets tiresome if it is prolonged. If I have to fish more than four or five hours (two is long enough), I begin to suffer. I like for my hunting trips to last no more than two hours. When a picnic or an outdoor gathering lasts longer than one hour, I get restless and start suffering. To do anything all day long, day after day, is painful. Boredom is far worse than physical or mental exertion, and most work eventually morphs into boredom, especially if you are an employee, repeatedly doing the bidding of another. Endless chores cannot be personally rewarding. It is akin to slavery. There is some work that I enjoy, and I try to arrange my life so most of the work I must do is rewarding and enjoyable to some degree, but life is dotted along the way with miserable work that is my duty to perform. So, it is not the difference between those who love the pain of work and those who don’t; it is the difference between those who do not possess a will to suffer the pain of work and those who do. We live in a time when society is not producing as many men as it used to. There are a lot of freeloaders, a lot of lazy bums. I know a young male (I couldn’t say man) who lives down the road and has never had a job that lasted more than a few days. He lives in a house that is falling down around him. If the house were in an area that had building codes, it would have been condemned long ago. The floor has fallen through to the ground. He is going to fix it some day…tomorrow maybe…or when he gets the time, or gets enough money to buy the material. Someday he is going to get a job. He is highly intelligent, and he imagines that someday someone is going to realize how smart he is and pay him good money for the use of his brain. Yet, with all his high intellect, he has not acquired the will to suffer the pain—the boredom—of responsible work. He once told me, “Well, I am going to go down there and ask for a job.” “You could get there before they close,” I said. “Well, I am afraid they would close before I got there and the trip would be wasted, so I think I will go tomorrow.” I said to him, “If I were you, I would live under the bridge next to the plant where I could make it to work every day without fail. So that after two weeks I would have earned enough money to rent a cheap apartment within walking distance. Within a month, I would have enough saved to buy an old car, and within a year, I would have found a better job and have a car good enough to take me back and forth to a better job. And within two years, I would be purchasing a fixer-up home. And with the passing of three years, I would have sold the fixer-upper for a $100,000.00 profit and have purchased two more homes and be fixing them both up for resale. Within ten years, I would own ten houses and would be entirely self-employed and looking for bigger investments.” But ten years from now, that lazy genius will still be waiting for his ship to come in, and the only thing out of the ordinary in his life that will happen is that the roof of his house will fall on him. He will blame the government and vote Democratic. No, he won’t vote at all. He will just talk about it, and talk, and plan bigger things, and wait until tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow is soon enough for that kind of a “male.” One’s willingness to do unpleasant daily duties is tied inextricably to his manly character. A dutiful man is a good man. A lazy man who puts off doing his duty over the years experiences an erosion of character, for he must resort to lies and excuses to explain his continual failure to do what is expected of him. He soon develops a propensity to be dishonest, self-centered, lustful, gluttonous, fearful, and insecure. But, enough of this diatribe against laziness. So, parents, what can you do to assure that your sons grow up to be real men? If your children are still under one year old, or better yet, if they are not yet born, you have the advantage, for manhood begins to develop at twelve months. This morning, I drove past a father and son as they were working in the yard. The little fellow, not more than two years old, was pushing his plastic toy lawnmower alongside his daddy. He was already learning to do a man’s duty as he saw it in his two-year-old mind’s eye. Mother will brag on her little “man,” feeling of his muscles, and telling him how proud she is of his work. As his worldview develops, his perspective as to his role in that world will develop as well. My daughter, Shalom, exemplifies the right approach. Her daughter, Gracie, thinks that the greatest fun in the world is cleaning up messes and washing dishes. If she gets fussy, toys will not entertain her, but a broom and a dustpan will. Gracie does everything her mother does. Shalom involves her twenty-one-month-old daughter in every aspect of her day. They are inseparable working partners. In our community is a family of about twelve. The children range from toddlers to older teens. Every one of them has been taught to work and accept responsibility. I am sure that none of them enjoys work any more than I do, but they all accept it as a necessary part of life—as life itself. To them, life is doing one’s duty, working for the good of the family, including the community. The happiest kids I know are the ones whose lives are given meaning by knowing that they are making a significant contribution to not only their own upkeep, but for others as well. I know why you have failed to involve your children in dutiful chores. It is because they complain so much that you find it easier to just do the work yourself. We all complain about working, just as we complain about the weather, all the while knowing there is nothing we can do about it. Complaining is a way of defining the moment, of sharing our mutual hardship. It is a kind of self-praise for enduring the conditions. But there is another kind of complaining, for which your children may be guilty—a mutinous complaint that protests the injustice of it all. Kids will complain strongly about working when they think (or know from experience) that complaining will surely get them out of it. It was an unconscious decision on your part to “just do the work yourself” and avoid all the stress. When you have tried to get them to do their duties, it has produced an adversarial relationship. You experience frustration and anger. But don’t blame the kids. Their attitude is your fault, cultivated by your allowing them to grow up thinking that they are not responsible for performing the chores necessary for maintaining their own existence. Early on, before they were three or four, by not involving them in work “with” you, you led them to believe that their role in life is to enjoy themselves while you do all the work. That is a perfectly fine worldview, one shared by many rich and influential people. Such an attitude is the foundation of hedonism. Many parents reason that “children should be allowed to be children,” and thus shield their kids from the responsibilities of life, thinking their children will be happy that way. “Let them enjoy life today; they will have to take on the responsibilities of life soon enough.” Sadly, real-life experience proves otherwise. Character grows with attention to duty. A child’s self-image is not based primarily on your words. It is based on his estimation of his worth in regard to his performance. If he is not being productive, he will develop a poor self-image. The best character lesson you can give a two-year-old is to teach him the routine of work. We are not suggesting that children should be inducted into the work-force so as to generate an income for the family. Nor are we suggesting that their domestic responsibilities should be so demanding as to rob them of needful downtime. I arrange my own day so I don’t have to work all the time. Our children are half grown before they discover that they are working. They think it is play, and they love it. Work should be proportioned to the child’s age, size, gender, disposition, and temperament. A good rule is that when you are working, they are working, not as part of your employment, but as part of the family maintaining and providing for itself. Another guide is that just as you should not do the child’s work, neither should the child be made to do your work. Don’t work for your kids, and don’t make them work for you. Work together as part of a team that is providing for itself. Don’t wait until your children are “big enough” to work. When they are too small to be productive, they should still be involved in the work to the extent of their ability. The six-month-old can sit in the sink and stick the bottle washer in a plastic dish while you are washing the dishes. The toddler can put two items in the dishwasher while you are putting the other fifty items in. The four-year-old can sweep the cut grass off the sidewalk while you are trimming the edges. He can help push the lawnmower back to the garage, or he can carry the weed-eater “all by himself.” The six-year-old can actually “help paint the house”. Don’t give your children all the miserable work and then drive them like slaves. Treat them with respect and consideration. Make the work suitable to their level of endurance. When my boys were six or eight years old, about one or two hours was all they could stand of hard work. We worked together for a reasonable time, and then we took an ice cream break together. Those times when we took a long break and drove down to the old store to get a special treat were wonderful times together. They were proud to be men doing a man’s work and eating a man’s ice cream treat. A Saturday morning of cutting grass and cleaning the yard deserved a Saturday afternoon of swimming and fun. Observe your children and gauge their level of tolerance. Once you are confident that they accept it as their responsibility to work, you will observe their enthusiasm and energy as they willingly tie into a hard job. But watch them for signs of weariness. When they begin to drag, not with a bad attitude, but from the true weariness that boring, hard work can produce, it is time to change jobs, change pace, take a break, or quit for the day. If you push children (or anybody for that matter) far beyond their endurance point, you will cause them to hate work, and will later hate you for punishing them. Now, there are exceptions. There may be times when something absolutely must get done before it rains or before the sun goes down. If there is hay in the field, it must be put in the barn today, no matter how tired everyone is. You will all need to work yourselves to the bone. But when the kids can see and understand that it is a special occasion, that you are tired too, and that you are not being unreasonable, they will learn to push on and feel good about it tomorrow. It is important that they always feel that you are fair in your demands, that you work harder than they do, and that you are not avoiding work when you make them work. Work should be a time of fellowship. It is while working that I did most of the teaching and communicating of my values and culture to my children. Today when I hear my two big sons relating to situations in life, I see those moments of teaching (how insignificant they seemed to be at the time) surfacing as their own ideas and principles, matured through their own experience, tried and tested, and fully ready to pass on to their children. What a blessing it is to hear it from them, and see it effectively implemented in the lives of a brand-new generation of children! If you have older children who were raised to be served and are offended when you ask them to work, what can you do to turn it around? First, you must be honest with your children. Sit them down and explain that you have been aware that there was a problem, but you just did not know what to do about it. Having now read this article, you better understand the need for their learning to help with the work of the home. Through discussion, cause them to understand one primary reality. Each one of them must make his own way in life. Life is clearly a gift, but quality of life is earned. Reduced to the simplest terms, anyone who eats food must gather and prepare it. Anyone who sleeps under the roof must “gather the thatch” to keep it from leaking. Those who would warm themselves by the fire must bring a log. All who eat at the table must put something into the pot and bring their own bowl and spoon, which they must wash and take care of. Everyone is responsible to play their part in the community and to care for community property as their own. There are no free-loaders and no free lunch. Life is hard enough. No one should have to carry the burden of the lazy and indifferent. This is something that the Amish and Mennonite children around me understand very well. Actually, for them it is a concept somewhat like air. It is so commonly accepted that they do not even think about it. They just live and breathe that reality of the concept of work. “I am needed; I must do my part.” They look upon your soft, petted children as pitiful and weak. So, convey to your children the concept, “If you don’t work, you don’t eat.” “For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. For we hear that there are some which walk among you disorderly, working not at all, but are busybodies. Now them that are such we command and exhort by our Lord Jesus Christ, that with quietness they work, and eat their own bread” (2 Thess. 3:10-12). Remember these two words and recall them every day, as long as you have children under your care, or a husband, for that matter. Two words! I have said them many times before—organize and manage. This is the key, and the order is a vital part of the concept. Organize the family so that everyone knows exactly what is expected and the time frame in which it must be accomplished. Write it all down. Post it on the refrigerator or a family bulletin board. Duplicate copies every week and tape them to the children’s doors. Think of yourself as the manager of a small business—unless you have twelve kids, and then you can think of yourself as the managing CEO of a large, multi-national corporation. Your job is to oversee, prioritize and direct the resources of your corporation. This will keep you from having to nag. It will cease to be a competition with your personality. They will be resisting the law in black and white. This will make you the third party, not the villain. Organizing and managing will eliminate 99% of the “work-related” problems, but as the manager, you must have some recourse for those who demonstrate an unwillingness to cooperate. You must demonstrate the power and the will to constrain them to work. If you meet with rebellion, continue teaching them the concept of each pulling his load—planting and harvesting his own corn and participating in community (family) endeavors that benefit all (such as cutting the grass or painting the house). Firmly lay down the law, and enforce consequences that will “encourage” the child to pull his share. The best consequences for not working is more work. The child’s goal is to get out of work, so he will work to keep from having to do additional work. In other words, he will learn to suffer a little pain to prevent a greater pain (speaking of the pain of work). Let’s not leave this subject until we address you fathers who are still children yourselves (lazy procrastinators). Most of us will procrastinate upon occasion, but when your procrastination becomes a way of life that diminishes the quality of life of those around you, you need to learn to be the man. Father, what can you do if you were raised to be a sluggard? You can make a decision to suffer the pain of responsibility. Keep in mind, it is not a matter of there being those who like work and those who don’t. It is the difference between paying the price or taking the selfish, easy road. If you could accept the truth that in the long run, the procrastination path is the more painful path, then working today brings relief from the pain of tomorrow. It is the path to self-respect, honor from others, prosperity, creativity, peace of mind, and the development of character. Only you can decide, and you must decide every day, and day after day, for the rest of your life. Finally, if you never learned to do your duty in a timely fashion as a child, save your children from the misery it has brought you by teaching them to develop habits that your parents failed to teach you. Recently, I was asked to speak to a group of teenage boys on the subject of Becoming Men. It turned out quite well, and so I am making it available to you. It is the kind of message that would be good for your teenagers to hear for themselves, boys and girls alike. It will also prove profitable to many adults who are still struggling with the will to suffer the pain of responsibility. Look for it on our order form. Michael Pearl

Low Self-Esteem

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Jun 2003 11:10:22 +0000

Dear Pearls, My 9-year-old son has low self-esteem. He expects too much of himself. He feels rejected. We have never talked down to him, although there have been others who have expressed that they did not want him around. He does not have any close friends, although I had tried to have him included as often as possible. I want so much to help him, but feel quite helpless. — Pam

Michael Answers

Dear Pam, Every child has expectations for himself. Part of it is innate—a reflection of the image of God—and part of it is a by-product of his society and culture. Our conscience is never far from the conviction that God holds us accountable for the way we invest our life. We feel the responsibility to multiply the “talents” God has given us—our time, gifts, energy, money, etc. A child or adult can have low self-esteem because of the gap between what he knows he should and could be, and his lazy unwillingness to pay the price to achieve the realistic goals he has set for himself. In which case, the poor self-image would be justified. The only answer would be to do what one knows he ought, and thus remove the self-accusation. Performance of unpleasant duty is the measure of a man. Empty praise and “positive affirmation” will not help a person feel better about himself when his conscience is justly condemning him. Then there is that low self-esteem that is a product of culture and society. Society, including religion, can communicate and inculcate false and unrealistic goals that are impossible to meet. A child who is a little slower in developing than other children and always feels inferior, or a child whose parents are driving him to perform above his peers, or a child who is talked down to by his parents or those whom he respects, or any number of ways whereby society overly burdens a child with perfectionist goals will cause low self-esteem. Corporate classrooms are incubators for low self-esteem. You can count on it; the lower performers in any classroom setting will have a poor self-image. Obviously, a child is most impressed by those whom he is around the most and by those whose opinion he values. Therefore, ninety percent of a child’s self-esteem is a product of the family environment. Only a small part is a result of the child’s outside associations. The people who expressed that they “did not want your child around” are not responsible for his poor self-image; they just manifest it in a social setting. If a child is being rejected by his peers, ridiculed by his siblings, or even by the other parent, the thing that will make it worse is for the sympathetic parent to run interference, trying to protect the child by making others show him the respect he deserves. He will see your desperation and anger, but he will not interpret it as an affirmation of his worth. Your acknowledgement of the situation only affirms his sense of self-worthlessness. You will speed up the downward spiral by inflated praise of the child and by condemnation of others. What then is the cure? How do you improve the self-image of your nine-year-old son? Make a man out of him. Rather than whine or try to make people respect him, lead him to become competent and accomplished in some area that he and others value. Provide the tools and encouragement for him to succeed in those areas that are important to him. Some kids are lazy and will just waste away in self-pity before they will stir themselves to pay the price of excellence, so you must constrain them to get out of their comfort and pity zones to reach for more. Kids don’t laugh at tough kids. They ridicule skinny weaklings. No teenager ever felt left out because he was strong and tough. You may have to make exercise fun by participating. Get rid of the video games and TV. They never make a kid likeable. Interact with a child through conversation and discussion to make him intellectually competent and socially adept. Arrange for him to participate in a limited social circle in which he is comfortable. Don’t throw him into the ring with competitors that will crush him—until he is strong enough to fight back. Now, you did not tell me in your letter in what way your son has low self-esteem. You need a clear and accurate picture of him. As a mother you are biased, blind, and empathetic. I suggest you do to things: First, ask your husband what is wrong with your son that he is not liked by other kids. Then listen; don’t argue; don’t blame; just believe him. Second, ask the other kids, or the parents of other kids (in a non-accusing way) what is wrong with your child. You must face the fact that your son is not likeable. Children don’t just decide to gang up on one little guy and make him miserable. He is different. How? Why? They don’t need to change. Your son needs to change. You are perplexed, so you need information. The people who reject him have the answer. They will be reluctant to tell you. They may lie to you to save your feelings, but they know the source of the problem. Do you have the humility and guts to learn the answer and make changes in yourself and your family? Children like themselves when they are likeable. Make your son likeable. - Michael Pearl

Breaking the Bondage of Shyness and Fear

Michael Pearl — Fri, 15 Dec 2000 12:05:50 +0000

Shoshanna was shepherding two small children the other day and noticed that when the little fellow, nearly three years old, asked for something, he reverted to baby talk with a whine. His parents often ignore his requests until he resorts to pitiful baby talk, at which time they are provoked to respond. So, when he is making a request, he has learned to bypass the preliminaries and get down to language that moves people to pay attention to him—baby talk. When he came to Shoshanna with a request for water, his body language changed. He slumped and swayed as if in a near fainting condition; his head rolled and hung to the side. He pulled on her dress, and when he spoke, his speech was slurred and babyish. He said, “I una dink a wotta.” She asked, “What did you say?” He repeated, “I onna dink a watta.” With no emotion, and a slight note of rejection in her voice, Shohanna said, “I am sorry, I cannot understand you when you talk like that. You will have to speak plainly.” She sounded as if she was giving him one last chance to make an intelligent request before she turned to more important matters. He straightened up a little and tried to speak more plainly. When she saw that he was making a sincere attempt to act his age, she took that for compliance and helped him by asking, “Are you saying you want a drink of water?” Her accent was decidedly English, overly articulated. He watched her mouth stretch into the different shapes as she carefully pronounced the words, and he understood what she wanted him to do. He tried it and was much clearer in his speech. All the slump and drag went out of his body language as he tried to imitate her dignity. Without further ado, she turned to give him his drink of water. This is a good opportunity to point out something that is easy to miss but so very important. Note that when the little fellow made a sincere effort to change his tone and conform to her leading, Shoshanna immediately gave him his request. She did not take that opportunity of compliance to lecture him on the importance of speaking correctly. He had taken responsibility to yield to her leading, to rise above slovenly habits. If she had rewarded his correct response with a reproving face and brief lecture about speaking correctly, all her efforts would have been in vain, for a three-year-old child has a very short attention span—about three or four seconds. He cannot see the relationship between two events that are separated by thirty seconds, but when two things happen together, the child relates them to each other. It only takes one touch on a hot surface for a child to make the correlation and not touch it again, but if the pain had a thirty-second delay, the child would never make the connection. He would keep touching it and keep getting burned. If Shoshanna had delayed giving him the water and returned his compliance with a frown and a lecture, the closest thing to his proper speech would have been her negative reaction, so he would have associated her negative response with his actions and concluded that she did not want him to speak plainly. After all, he spoke like an adult and she immediately frowned and punished him with a lecture that lasted fifteen seconds. His shoulders would have slumped and he would have returned to his immature mental state with the baby talk. Instead of making an association between grown up talk and getting water, he would have made an association between his baby mentality and getting the water. Next time he wanted water, he would affect his pitiful, broken demeanor and speak like he did when he was two years old, and everyone rushed to serve him. Children are what you make them. You can make them shy, withdrawn, weak, and emotionally disturbed, or you can make them stable, intelligent, socially balanced, and confident. Don’t buy the line that brokenness or weakness is inherited personality. It is all in the kind of example you lay down and how you respond to them. Remember the rule, “Affirm all positive behavior and make all negative behavior unrewarding.” In our travels we meet many families. I was visiting in a home where a little boy about thirty months old was playing. I looked at him and made a friendly gesture. He jumped up and ran to bury his face into his mother’s skirts. She petted him and very lovingly said, “You are shy, aren’t you.” He squirmed deeper into her understanding embrace, eyeing me accusingly. This little fellow has a sister about four years old, who is also very “shy.” Her parents explain her emotional spells, patting her on the head and saying, “She is a very emotional child.” She was playing on the floor with another small child. When it came time to go, they were told to put the toys back in the box. Her smaller companion began to clean up, but this little girl responded to the command by looking pitiful and fretful. Eventually she retreated into quiet fretfulness, not picking up the toys. All eyes turned on her parents to see what would happen. True to form, her mother and father joined together to explain their child’s behavior, “She is a very emotional child; she gets upset easily.” And that was it. They have no idea that their sweet little girl is going to hate them when she is fourteen. She will be angry and resentful. They will sigh and say, “I will be glad when she gets married; she is a bad influence on the other children.” Now learn another lesson. When you label a child’s unpleasant behavior with a name like shy, emotional, or fearful, you legitimize it. Every time you explain that child’s behavior with a defining word, you confirm him as broken, and in so doing, relieve him of the responsibility to act differently. I could take a perfectly stable child and make him shy or fearful within a week. I would watch for the smallest sign of fear or shyness, and respond by placing a loving hand on the child’s shoulder, smiling my most understanding and healing smile, and sympathetically explain his behavior as fear or shyness. The child would cuddle up to me for comfort and I would offer assuring words of concern. After three such experiences the child would get the message loud and clear, “I am a fearful child; I need love and understanding; let me go find something that makes me afraid.” The child would come to recognize the power this “handicap” afforded him, and he would begin to use it as a means to avoid unpleasant situations and to dominate others. When he didn’t want to pick up toys, he would be confused and fearful. When someone invaded his space and competed for his mother’s attention, he would reject them with symptoms of shyness. Just as you could do reverse training on a child, causing him to manifest any symptom of weakness, conversely, you can make a weak child strong within the week. Parents get into ruts that perpetuate negative behavior in their children. The rule is, “Make all negative behavior unpleasant and make all positive behavior profitable.” Parents excuse behavior by calling it personality. Personality is a starting point, not a boundary. Now there are some children that are truly afraid. We are not talking about those who are absolutely terrified of danger, whether real or imagined. That is another matter and is very rare. We are talking about the social response of fear or shyness that causes the child to retreat to his mother’s security. Without lecturing or spanking the child, you can end this negative behavior. When Johnny shows shyness or social fear, attempting to withdraw into your embrace, never hold him or reassure him. When he gets behind you, push him away and say something remote and indifferent like, “Don’t get behind me, go play.” Express mild disapproval in your facial features and the tone of your voice. Never protect the child who wants to emotionally nurse. Never affirm his feelings by assisting him in his expressions. Indicate the kind of response you want, and brag on the child’s strength and boldness. As you shove him back into the public, briefly state that he is “a big boy now, and big boys don’t act like that.” Strength never comes by showing understanding for the weakness. Fear is not overcome by dealing with the fear; it is overcome by DOING the fearful thing. You overcome fear by facing the tiger with your fear and discovering that you can walk away alive. In time you laugh at the tiger, for it was only paper. But if your child flees from the tiger, and you call it fear and then offer sympathy or protection, you legitimize the child’s fear and the paper tiger gets bigger and more threatening every day. If you treat the paper tiger with indifference, the child will feel the same. Wild animals learn what to be afraid of and what to tolerate by watching their parents. What do you want, a pitiful, weak child, cowering for comfort, or a tiger tamer? You will make the child into the image of your own responses.

Low Self-Esteem

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Apr 2000 11:05:52 +0000

Dear Pearls, I have a problem that maybe you could answer. We have two boys, ages 11 and 13. I have made some wrong choices with the thirteen-year-old. He has a very low self-esteem. I want to change my ways with him, if possible. My problem is this: I gave him instructions not to wear his old shoes any more, for they were not good for his feet. But he slipped them on anyway. He would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for the younger brother saying, “You’re not supposed to wear them.” I was in the next room and heard the remark. I went in and scolded my older son for his disobedience. Am I making his self-esteem worse by scolding him when the younger reinforces my command? I find this situation happening a lot. Is the younger at fault also? Could you give me advice on this situation? My older boy with the low self-esteem is the source of the problem, and I feel I have caused it. When he was young we decided to homeschool. I started him in a preschool program at age five. I tried to teach him to read from about age 6 up. He did not do well and I was always frustrated and angry with him. Sometimes I would lash out at him with my hand. I now know how very wrong I was, and I am sorry I started him so early and sorry I responded as I did. Now he has no desire for school. My relationship with him is not the greatest. He has a love for flowers, and I am trying to tie strings with him in that area. My younger son always seems to “out-do” him in obedience and schoolwork. I need help and advice if possible. — Love in Christ, A Mother

Michael Pearl Answers

You have confessed that you erred in demanding too much of your son too early, and now that the damage is obvious you would like to undo the harm. Your conclusion is that your son now thinks of himself as inferior. The example you gave concerning the worn out shoes—hardly significant in itself—is no doubt just representative of many similar conflicts. You have been brave and honest in seeing your error, and you are humble enough to seek a solution. It is quite apparent that you love your children and are willing to change yourself to help them. You are half way there. Now that is the last positive thing I will say for a few paragraphs, so bite down and hold on; this is going to hurt just a little—maybe a lot. I address this not only to you but to the thousands of other mothers who are right where you are. To be sure, your son’s condition is serious, but it is readily mendable. The big problem is not the mechanics of your son’s condition; it is the state of your own mind and heart. If God could work a change in your heart—not just you, but the entire family—your son would be healed in a matter of days. You said you "made some wrong choices" by starting too early. The problem is not that you started schooling too early. It is that you applied pressure too early. No, not just too early; you applied pressure that no one should ever be subjected to unless he is in the Marines. The first six or seven years of a child’s life is a time of emotional development. It is not a time to feel the responsibilities of academia. The whole idea of homeschooling is to keep children in a nurturing atmosphere—to give them specialized one-on-one care. However, if the one giving the special attention is especially critical, the results are especially destructive. Since a homeschool child is usually confined to just one teacher, and that teacher controls and sets the mood of the limited social world in which the child circulates, the potential for harm is as great as the potential for good. The problem is not early teaching. Many children are taught to read by four or five, with no emotional damage—quite the opposite. Only one of our kids could read by five. One of our boys didn’t even start until he was almost nine. If children are encouraged to participate in the fun of learning, it is never too early. But if you can’t make it fun, they will never enjoy learning at any age. If you bring conflict, tension, and criticism into homeschooling, you have a certain formula for failure. And not just failure in schooling, but failure in personal development. The younger the child and the more sensitive his nature, the greater the potential for damage. You honestly described your former attitude and actions by saying, "I was always frustrated and angry with him. Sometimes I would lash out at him with my hand." That’s an ugly picture you paint of yourself. And you are not alone, it is all too common. Your letter suggests the rationalization made by all angry people—that you were caused to be angry. But angry people would not be less angry if the provocation was removed. Pressure blows out the weakest point, but the weak point is not the cause of the pressure. Your son’s poor showing in academics did not cause you to be angry. You know you are angry at other times and to other people. Dear Mother, you have personal problems that cause you to fail with your children. I have learned this from thousands of letters, conversations, and e-mails from other mothers just like you. I have the benefit of the mistakes and successes of so many. Without any claim as a psychic, I will tell you one more thing about yourself. You have a poor relationship to your husband. You do not enjoy him, and you do not allow him to enjoy you. When your other children get older, you will discover problems with them as well—not necessarily a poor self-image, but there will be difficulties in relationships. You went on to say that even now your "relationship with him is not the greatest." That’s a clear statement that the cause of his condition is not just in the past. Your poor attitude toward him is ongoing. Children are great psychologists. They can feel our pleasure or our criticism. They respond quickly to the signals our souls emit. We cannot hide our feelings. They are revealed in the eyes of our children—eyes that dance with delight and confidence or eyes that droop with self-denigration. You see the disease in your son and would take steps to cure it. But a family is similar to an organism. It is an indivisible whole. The individual members of a family are integrated like the root, trunk, branches, leaves, and fruit of a plant. You cannot just fix the part that is most bothersome—in your case it is the thirteen-year-old. You must fix the root. Mother and father are the roots of the family tree. In a healthy plant, mother is grafted into father; mother bears the children; and the children reflect the health of the entire plant. You cannot treat diseased fruit without treating the root, trunk, and branches. I know I am making you feel miserable, maybe worthless. It’s part of the cure. Early child training is mostly just principles and techniques of training, but when a child passes ten or eleven, it is more soul-training-soul than "smart adult with technique training gullible kid." So I say to you, dear lady, you need to repent—to accept all the blame. You need to discover Christ’s forgiveness for your own secret guilt. You need to fear God and love him. And then you must fall in love with your husband; surrender your life to being his helper and lover. With that, your anger will disappear and your son’s problems will go away like the night’s darkness. Now, as to some practical suggestions. You are inclined to think that, due to your son’s feelings of failure, possibly you should not hold him to the same standards you would another child. You are thinking, "Won’t that just make him feel more inferior if I rebuke him?" But then you question your inclination to lighten up on him. You wonder if you should demand less of this broken child. You must understand that placing a child under obligation to observe boundaries and obey rules will not damage his self-esteem. If the child is already damaged, he nonetheless needs discipline and authority. To allow your guilt to induce you to be lenient on a child that has low self-esteem will only heighten his poor self-image by allowing him to act in ways that not only displease you but also violate his own conscience. His conscience makes demands upon him. He has an internal judge accusing him of any failure. You cannot rid a child of the voice of conscience through "positive affirmation." If he violates the rules and perceives by your reserved response that you view him as broken, he will do two things. First, he will think of himself as broken and despise himself even more. Second, he will do what any kid does; he will take advantage of your "compassion" by acting the role of victim. He will learn to use your caution and leniency as an avenue to get away with his self-will. You will experience increasing frustration over behavior you excuse on the one hand and condemn on the other, thus provoking you to further anger. God’s unwritten law prevails in your son’s heart as it does in the hearts of all sons of Adam. Whether your son is emotionally stable and average in every way, or whether he is psychologically wounded, be assured he is still a person of flesh. As a member of the human race he tends towards laziness, rebellion, stubbornness, self-will, manipulation, dominance, pride, and one hundred other bad words. Here is my caution and warning. Do not make him more crippled with your guilt and self-pity. He must be brought to the rule of law as any child. His soul needs the release that comes from surrender to a higher power. You would have greatly improved his self-image if, when you caught him disobeying, you would have spanked him firmly rather than rebuke him. Although, I must say, a thirteen-year-old boy may be too old for a mother to spank. The original problem is still there, for, speaking of the present, you said, "My relationship with him is not the greatest." What happened at five and six has no bearing on your present relationship to your son. It is the present that muddles the present. Children just need three days to one week of smiles and understanding to respond in kind. You son is not broken. He is starved. If you feed him rightly, he will grow. You said that you were trying to establish a relationship with him by sharing his interest in flowers. That is a good idea. But I want to caution you; if you get involved with him in this project, he is not going to do it the way you think he should. He may let the weeds grow up and leave a mess in the yard. If this happens, make up your mind that you are not going to criticize him? Make him clean it up, but don’t nag him until he feels your rejection. If you have a few good times with him shopping for plants and planning the project, it is not so important that he carry it through, just as long as you do not destroy the memories with unkind criticism. Finally, I want to address the issue of your son’s needs regarding his poor self-image. His self-worth will improve not through words, but through deeds—your deeds of understanding and authority and his deeds of accomplishments. He needs to be steered into a place where he can overcome in any area, where he can be the best at something, where he can be admired by someone he values. This cannot be pretend. He must actually succeed. He knows himself. He must better himself in some area to feel better about himself. It can be sports, model construction, fishing, hunting, wrestling, rope climbing, chess or checkers, mechanics, science, biology, astronomy, weight lifting, marshal arts, computer repair, carpentry, small engine repair, law mower repair, art, music, etc. Just don’t fall into the trap of thinking that pity and caution will restore his soul. And do not allow him to cope by retreating to computer games or long periods of isolation in his room. Don’t fuss at him; draw him out into a creative social life. - Michael Pearl