No Greater Joy Ministries » Teens

Don’t Give Up on the Prodigal

Michael Pearl — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:21:48 +0000

The promise is clear: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And the promise is certain. But I know many of you have older children who have departed from the way you intended them to go. You have questioned, “Is the promise really true, or is it like divine healing—rare and only available to those who have great faith?” Or you may question yourself, “Where did I go wrong? I took them to church and provided a godly example, but an evil outside influence slithered in and stole away my child’s virtue and integrity. How could I have foreseen the threat and stopped it?” Then again, you may be of the sad number whose child descended into a state of rebellion and turned on you, accusing you of hypocrisy, and screaming, “If you are a Christian, I don’t want to be one.” This is not going to be another article where I rebuke you for your hypocrisy. I have done that enough, and it is too late to undo the damage done to the wayward prodigal. But I do want to encourage you to not quit; don’t give up on the errant one. Sometimes getting out from under parents’ roof is the path to repentance. It doesn’t take long for 20-year-olds to discover that the world is full of hypocrisy and darkness—worse than what they found at home. “As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him” (Amos 5:19). There were good times at home, and in times of loneliness and need he will remember them. Just like you, he will have doubts about himself and wonder if he made the right choice. He will mature and learn that humanity is indeed frail and that “every man at his best state is altogether vanity” (Psalm 39:5). Life will force him to discover his own weaknesses and hypocrisy. He will fail to live up to his purist’s values and judge himself to be no better than you. If he did indeed have a time in his youth when he respected his parents and honored their God, a time when life was sweet and carefree, he will look back with fondness and decry his loss. In his pain he will go back in his memory and wish for those days again. In his mind, the good memories will conflict with his more recent memories of your constant criticism and dissatisfaction. The lack of fulfillment he experienced in the home after he got to be a “problem child” will overshadow everything for a while, but when he “begins to be in want” (Luke 15:14) and seeks help from his friends, and they send him “into the field to feed swine,” and no one loves him like Mama did when he was young, he will come to himself, swallow his pride, and come home—not to stay, but to be loved and appreciated, to be with people who care. Now you will play a part in his recovery. First I am going to tell you how to guarantee that he not only keeps feeding the swine but eats with them and eventually lies down to stay with them. It is the easiest thing you could ever do. It is all about attitude. Just make sure that in any contact you have with him, let him know how wrong he is and indicate you think he is shiftless and worthless. Or better still, point out how he has embarrassed the family and let him see that you are ashamed of him. It will help if when he comes to visit, his hair is purple and orange and he has lots of piercings and tattoos. Look thoroughly disgusted and offended. If he brings a girlfriend home, one that looks like she is a nine-time reject, be sure to treat her with disdain and contempt. Ignoring her will really make him hot. That first visit home will be his attempt to prove to himself and his girlfriend that his parents are not worth the time. Deep inside there is a desire to be loved and accepted by his family, but his pride motivates him to throw his sin in your face as a test of that love. It will be easy to get rid of him once for all. Just be what you were before he left. You say you have changed? I can offer you indicators of how you will in fact respond when he shows up. If you have been humbled by your loss of a child to the world, and you accept the blame and you no longer have critical feelings toward him but rather a heart that is broken and longing to be restored, you will indeed motivate him to repent and reunite with the family. But if there is bitterness in your heart and the feeling that he has hurt you and the family, you will drive the wedge much deeper and send him back to the swine to feed. If you, like Jesus looking over wayward Jerusalem, weep for your lost child, your tears can wash away his pride and rebellion, but if you, like Satan, are an accuser of the brethren, you will dump a pile on him that will keep him underground until you are old and grey and he drops by unexpectedly to see Mama one last time before she dies. There is hope, but that hope must be in your heart if it is going to become a reality. If you daily pray for your prodigal you cannot daily despise him. You may get just one chance to turn him around, and he will see that opportunity in your eyes and hear it in your tone. Get your heart right today and your words will be right the next time you face your prodigal. “…for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things” (Matthew 12:34–35). When you pray your heart treasures up good things. You will need a heart full of good thoughts when the prodigal comes down the dusty road dragging his baggage. “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8). Remember the prodigal’s father in Luke 15; he was looking for his son and saw him when he was yet a great way off. Running down the road to receive him with open arms, he commanded the servants to bring the best robe and shoes and a ring for the finger of his returning son. The father killed the special fatted calf and invited all the neighbors to a coming home party where they would share his joy at the returned prodigal. Go, and do thou likewise.

Wisdom

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 11:10:05 +0000

We all know that it is not good to call our friends mean names, or take toys away from them, or push them down. But did you know that sometimes you can make them sad by just bragging about yourself? “I can read so good. Can you read?” “I have a nice, big, new bike; your bike is kind of old, isn’t it?” “The picture I colored is so nice. Is that the best you can do on your picture?” “I get to go swimming every day; too bad you can’t.” It is best not to talk about things that could make others feel bad. You need wisdom to know when to talk and when to keep your mouth shut. God tells us to just ask and he will give us wisdom. It is important to get wisdom when you are young so that when you are older you can teach your own children. —Shalom Brand

Learning to Become a Multi-Colored Girl

Debi Pearl — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 11:00:31 +0000

A Call for All Young Women A lot has happened since the books Created to Be His Help Meet and Preparing to Be a Help Meet were published. Created has been translated into eight or ten languages and there have been thousands of Created and Preparing classes all over the world. We have received many letters from ladies and girls sharing what they have learned. Our most active blog is PreparingToBeAHelpMeet.com with girls and married ladies sharing what God has taught them. Through the letters and the blogs I have learned much that has helped me in addressing your needs. Here are a few examples. Men were created in God’s image. God breathed the breath of life straight into Adam. It is mind-boggling to think that mere man is in God’s own image. In effect, man is in the likeness of God. God feels, he thinks, and he loves just as does his creation. Just as Eve was created to meet a need in Adam, so we meet a need in God. That is strange to me. We all know that God is three persons, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We learned in Created to Be His Help Meet that, as men were created in God’s image, so each man predominantly expresses one of the three aspects of God’s image. As Adam was created in God’s image, Eve was created in Adam’s image. God could have shaped two clay figures and breathed life into both, but he chose to take the woman from the man’s own flesh and bone. I have come to see that tiered process as very significant, making it consistent with nature that the woman should be the helper in the chain of command. God did not create women as he did men, strongly fixed in one type or another. Being created in the image of man, we are more muted and flexible in our types. If a woman were a strong Command type married to Mr. Steady, that would cause terrible conflict in the marital relationship. If we were to attach colors to the three types, Command men would be red, the Steady man would be blue, and the Visionary would be yellow. Few men are a 100% pure type/color. Most men are one type with just a touch of another type to mellow him out. But this article is not about men, but rather about us girls and our adaptability of color. The woman was called to be her man’s helper, to fashion herself to be what he needs her to be. It is quite a calling. In order to do this a woman needs to be a kaleidoscope, a full array of color. One woman might be strong in red, but she also has all the other colors so that she can blend her life into that of her man. God provides us with all that we need to fulfill our calling. For example, at this time in my life as a Help Meet I am required to be a writer, office director, web planner, wife, grandmother and, last, but certainly not least, a country woman. If I had to give myself a color or type at this time in my life it would be a bright orange: half red, half yellow. I have been put into a role that requires leadership and creativity. As I was growing up my color was blue (servant) so I have had to adapt quite a bit. If I had married a different man I would likely not be a writer, an office director, web planner or a country woman. How different my life would have been! I might have married a factory worker who lived in the city. I could have lived my whole life in a rented apartment, worked as a domestic for extra income, and had just two children. I would have still loved the Lord because that is who I am, a lover of God. Most everything else in my life would have been different; what I learned, how I dressed, what I enjoyed, and where I went. I think that I would have grown potted plants full of herbs and salads on my balcony. My color would have been green, mostly blue but some yellow so that I might raise children strong in spirit. It would have been easy for me to have married a committed Southern Baptist minister. My color would have been purple, part blue to serve but part red to lead. It is a queenly color, as Baptists like their pastors’ wives to have dignity. I would have worn simple conservative suits, stockings, and slight heels, kept my hair done prim and proper, and my nails clean and painted. I would have been a Sunday School teacher, planned Vacation Bible Schools, and promoted my husband in his calling. I would have been a lover of God, because I love him. But I would have been a different lady, certainly not the country woman I am today. But then, I might have married an Amish-type-man, living plain, dressing plain, and speaking German. I would have never touched a computer, but spent my life having 12 children and working the land. You would never know me as me, but I would still be me, only I would be meshing into the man to whom I was a helper. I would still be a lover of God, because I love him, and in loving him I would have put forth an effort to honor God by honoring and reverencing my husband, as God has written in Ephesians 5:33, “…and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands” (1 Peter 3:1). When a girl marries a man she becomes a new person. She becomes his bride, his woman, his helper. It is God’s will that her life be fashioned to help him. If a girl comes into marriage knowing that she is equipped and appointed to be this one new person, then she can adapt and find fulfillment in her new self-expression. This past week the local Preparing class invited two older mothers to share their experiences in marriage. It was quite sobering, and some of the girls came away from class unnerved by the burdens of marriage. What the mothers wanted to convey to the girls was, “Learn now while you are young to honor your husbands. Learn patience to continue in your role as a Help Meet, and commit yourself to God now while you are young so you can avoid some of our trials and errors as we struggle to find our way.” Today’s culture, our own selfishness, and our lack of knowing God’s Word all play a part in making marriages miserable. What you learn as a young unmarried woman can change your life more completely than you can imagine. If you are wise you will learn to become a many-colored girl. Don’t say to yourself, “I am a Go-to Girl and not a Servant.” Rather say, “I am learning to be anything I need to be. I want to be a servant, I need to learn to lead and teach, and I will learn to be creative because my husband may need me to be all of these.” Practice being flexible in your likes and dislikes, how you feel about things, and what you hope to accomplish. Start striving to shape your life to help others, and hide God’s Words in your heart concerning becoming a wife. Lastly, make a written commitment to honor the man God provides for you. Choose a life’s verse that you write down on the cover of your Bible, one that goes along with your commitment. All these things will shape you for your coming marriage, enabling you to avoid the many pitfalls that entangle so many. Making yourself ready for any eventuality in your future marriage demands much practice if you want a glorious marriage.

Angry Children

Michael Pearl — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 11:25:32 +0000

What causes children to be angry, and how can parents address this issue? We can best understand anger in children by understanding the source of our own anger. Children get angry for the same reasons adults do. The little ones do appear to have more of a problem with anger than do adults, but only because the young ones have not yet developed the self-serving art of covering their feelings and appearing proper to others. Most of us have too much pride to display our anger publicly, so we express anger through punishing silences or quiet, biting words. Innuendos designed to marginalize others are the polished art of anger. We try to castigate while maintaining the appearance of emotional aloofness, the object being to provoke the detested party to react in self-incriminating ways, openly confirming our assessment of their faults. Anger has several roots, which we will discuss in the future online, but the tap-root of all anger is frustration at failing to manage our environment for our own pleasure. I have seen no less than a thousand men express anger at inanimate objects and curse things that do not have ears because they were frustrated in their efforts to accomplish something with a “stubborn” tool. How many times have we observed toddlers cry out in anger at their failure to manipulate an object to their satisfaction? A ten-year-old slams a ball glove on the ground after failing to catch the ball. Or he yells in anger, “That stupid old bicycle won’t work right.” And there is the anger directed at others when a child fails to manage others to his own pleasure. A child explodes, “But you promised you would take me to the ball game today.” A ten-year-old girl angrily cries, “Somebody has been in my room and touched my stuff.” A fifteen-year-old girl whines in anger, “Why can’t I have a cell phone; all my friends do!” And ultimately, the words we never want to hear, “I just hate you; why did I have to have parents like you?” What is wrong with her parents? They have frustrated her efforts to “express herself,” to experience life as she thinks best. Anger is the bulldozer of the frustrated soul. If an angry man were honest, you would hear him say, “Get out of my way; you are preventing me from realizing immediate gratification.” Angry drivers are a prime example of the fruit of frustration. Anger runs even deeper. It becomes an IED—improvised explosive device. “You have hurt me; I will hurt you back in the only way that is available to me.” “I will shout at you as my enemy, and you will see the murder in my heart and be afraid. You will back down and give me my way, for ‘I am the master of my fate and captain of my soul.’” Be it a skinhead in prison or the two-year-old son of a stable family, anger emanates from the human race like odor from a skunk. When you see anger in your children, you are seeing the theology of depravity up close in all of its pervading ugliness. But children do not inherit Adam’s anger. There is no need, for they are quite capable of inventing it in a vacuum. Some are more angry than others. Children range from very angry to hardly angry at all. Some children spend their early years in calm congeniality, and then all of a sudden turn angry. Others express lots of anger in their early years from birth to three or four years old, and then calm down and become peaceful and passive. What is going on that creates these variables? Can we as parents control the process, thwart the growth of anger, and instill a godly self-control and forgiveness in our children? The answer is a resounding “Yes.” As a parent you must anticipate the needs of your children and be proactive in equipping them to face life’s challenges with the kind of character it takes to endure with grace the potential frustrations of everyday life. How? First, by example. If you bypass this one, nothing else will work. If you have occasional angry outbursts, your children will catch it like the flu. It does no good to say you are sorry, other than they may learn to apologize after each of their own outbursts. You have not dealt with the anger; you have just made the point that it needs to be followed with an apology. More is caught than taught. Assuming you are setting a proper example, the next step is to not leave your child in a social vacuum where she must face her frustrations unguided. For example, I saw a small child cry out in anger because she couldn’t put her coat on properly. She was frustrated. If you simply spank her for her anger or rebuke her, you will only increase the frustration and it will soon develop into a habit of angry impatience. You can prevent this inclination by patiently training her in the art of putting on a coat. When you see the anger, slow down in your hurry to get out the door and show her that you are going to patiently be there while she finds the other sleeve. If she is capable of this contortionist’s feat but overly anxious and impatient with herself, show her step by step how it is to be done, and smile all the while. You are teaching her that the things that frustrate us can be conquered with patience and persistence. In the child’s mind, this translates into a principle that will apply in the face of any frustration. If a ten-year-old is angry at his bicycle because it won’t work right, take time to show him how to make it work properly. Get out the tools and make adjustments, or teach him how to adjust his riding technique, as the need may be. Some anger is justified, but it is a slippery slope. I recently observed one of my grandkids sitting in front of an easel, studiously painting a picture. At three years old she is very serious about her artwork and quite patient with the process. But she burst out in anger when a visiting kid deliberately and physically halted her painting. I could see that she just wanted to be left alone so she could paint. Her anger was understandable but unacceptable. Now her mother could have rebuked her for being angry, but that would have introduced another element that would have broadened her anger to include her mother and the cruel, insensitive world in general. The budding artist was not trying to enforce her will upon others or manipulate others to her pleasure. She had created an environment that she wanted to maintain, and others had trespassed. What she needed was what we all need when someone comes onto our property and abuses our possessions—the law, an enforcer. A society becomes angry, giving way to revolution when the law no longer protects it and it feels there is no other recourse to achieve justice. It is driven mad with the frustration of injustice. So, seeing the event unfold, I said to my busy daughter who didn’t see what took place, “They are disturbing her painting; they should play someplace else and leave her alone.” The three-year-old had already returned to her canvas and was deep in concentration, working tediously. Anger is a natural human emotion and not necessarily evil in itself. The apostle Paul said, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26). Justified anger should fade quickly with the removal of the provocation. Do not entertain the grievance overnight. If the anger lingers until nightfall it is no longer a natural reaction to injustice; it is simmering wrath. Did you know that Jesus was angry? Read Mark 3:1–6. When Jesus was confronted with the blind man on the Sabbath, he saw the religious leaders watching him “whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him” Jesus “looked round about on them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stretch forth thine hand. And he stretched it out: and his hand was restored whole as the other.” His frustration at their resistance and unbelief turned to an act of healing rather than aggressive words or actions. Anger is a motivator, but in the heart of a self-indulgent sinner it can lead to sinful pride and retaliation. When anger becomes a habit, taking on the characteristics of a temperament, it has become a black art of the Devil. That is what we want to prevent in our children. The three-year-old’s anger at being thwarted in her private efforts to paint was natural, but if the injustice were allowed to continue her festering anger would become an ugly character trait. At this point a wise parent will step in and control the circumstances, as did my daughter. She told the five other children that they should play somewhere else and leave Laila to her painting. This three-year-old will appreciate living in a society controlled by the rule of law where individual rights are respected. Her spirit will be quieted by the justice that is enforced, and she will “not let the sun go down” on her wrath. However, if Mother had left the children to themselves, anarchy would have ensued. Laila would have lost it and fought to gain control of her environment. If she prevailed, it would have confirmed to her the power of anger and aggression. If she had failed and the other children prevailed to stymie her art work, she would have grown even more angry and hostile, acting in retaliation, maybe even striking the other kids or screaming insults. All that is unholy would break loose, and Laila would have looked like the “bad girl” while the others just stood around innocently grinning, leaving Laila to be rebuked and spanked for her out-of-control anger. If this situation had been allowed to reach this point, there would have been no way to untangle the knots of anger that would have formed in her little soul. No amount of spanking would have rooted out her feelings of injustice. A parent cannot wait until a volcano blows the side of the mountain out and then try to put the lava back in the hole. Just last week I attended my grandson Laife’s third birthday party. The house was full of cousins and friends. One of the games was pin the tail on the donkey, played while blindfolded of course. Laife was the first to give it a try. When he pulled the blindfold off and found that the tail was hanging in the air a long way from the donkey, he rushed over to correct his mistake. He is a perfectionist and likes everything in order. That tail hanging in the air was totally out of order. When he tried to re-pin it, we all laughed, and his mother placed it back were he had placed it while blindfolded. He said no and struggled to get hold of it so he could give the poor donkey his tail. When his mother laughingly resisted, trying to explain that there was a prize for the one who got closest, he just fell on the floor and wept his frustration and anger. His mother was wise and let him return the severed tail to the humiliated donkey. Most of the kids were older than he and understood the need to change the rules to accommodate his perspective. To have resisted him here and spanked him for his crying would not have appeared just to his little mind and would have left him with budding seeds of distrust and anger. Spankings are reserved for rebellion and meanness. Spankings are for evil hearts and indifferent spirits, to get their attention and cause them to respect the lawgiver. A child should know he deserves a spanking before you give him one, otherwise it creates anger. “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). The time to inoculate your children against the human tendency to impatient anger is when they are six months old and four years old. Think about life as playing a team sport. If you throw someone into a basketball game who doesn’t know the rules and hand him the ball, telling him it is his, he be will shocked when someone runs up and takes it out of his hands. When he moves toward the goal, he will be shocked that the referee takes it away from him on a charge of “traveling.” When he tries to throw the ball through the basket, people jump up and grab it before it can go in. What a frustrating game! Get used to it. That’s life. Here is the key, a principle you must understand and apply: Children need to be taught the rules and trained to navigate the court and disciplined in mind and body before they are exposed to the challenges of the game. Never allow your young children, even as young as six months, to become unconquerably frustrated with the ball and the court of life. If you instill competence and confidence in young children, they will accept the difficulties as an opportunity to show their mettle rather than as an obstacle to their success. When a child wants to please and impress others and is unable to perform properly, he will get angry. The anger may look like anger or it may look like self-loathing, but they are the same. Aggression against others is obvious anger. Aggression against self can be quiet and inward. You are the cure. Do not fail to train a child to do all that life requires so he feels good about himself and his abilities. Show approval of him as a person so that he doesn’t become anxious to perform at a level that will earn approval. Provide an example that communicates that it is all right to experience temporary setbacks, for they just make the victory sweeter. Teach your children to be competent in many areas. This begins with manipulating blocks of wood, assembling things, stacking cardboard boxes and cutting doors and windows. It continues with teaching them to dress themselves, cook, clean the house, and eventually do outside chores, and it graduates into skills that most men do not possess, such as repairing automobiles, tuning pianos, programming computers, music, art, science, entrepreneurship, and the possibilities are endless. People who are succeeding don’t get angry. It is the hungry and hopeless peasants who stay angry and eventually revolt, assuaging their frustrations with a guillotine. If you order your home in a way that clearly communicates to your children that there is justice and mercy in the world, that their rights and dignity are protected by the rule of law, you will eliminate the anger that springs from the frustration of societal injustice. There are additional reasons for anger beyond frustration with one’s inability to control the environment and the actions of others. We will discuss them on our website and will email the remainder of the article to those of you who are signed up to receive our weekly email notifications. If you do not have access to a computer, go to your local library and you can print the rest of the article on anger. Angry Children, Part 2

The Job of a Lifetime

Nathan Pearl — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 11:15:50 +0000

Did you know that God gave each believer a life-long job? That’s right! Christ said in Mark 16:15, “And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.” We have a mission. Male or female, child or grandparent, YOU have a mission. What are you going to do about it? God tells us the story of a life-long job he had for a man named Moses: being a leader to millions of people. One day Moses was walking on a hill with his father-in-law’s sheep when he saw a burning bush that just kept burning. This was curious. Moses stopped to take a look, and suddenly the voice of God came out of the bush and told Moses that it was God speaking to him, so he needed to take his shoes off and listen carefully. “I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows; And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians...Come now therefore, and I will send thee unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest bring forth my people the children of Israel out of Egypt.” Even though this was the voice of God speaking to him through a bush, the only thing Moses could say was, “I can’t do that! I stutter; I can’t be a speaker. You must have the wrong guy.” Three different times God spoke to Moses of his lifetime job, and each time Moses had an excuse for why he was not the right choice. Finally Moses accepted his mission and did all the LORD told him to do. God needed a man who had a heart to love and honor him. He needed a man who would turn to God in prayer, asking what he should do. Moses could use others to help him, but the leadership of Israel needed to be from a man who would seek God’s face. Fast forward thousands of years to the time when Jesus was giving all those who love him his final instructions: “Thus it is written, and thus it behoved Christ to suffer, and to rise from the dead the third day: And that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in his name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem” (Luke 24:46-47). Jesus has given all of us lifetime jobs. Jesus, the beloved Son of God, suffered the indignity of death to redeem us. Then he gave us our job of a lifetime, “TELL everyone about Jesus.” It is not about your abilities. It is about your willingness.

ESP Training—Explain, Show, Practice!

Kim Doebler — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:35:14 +0000

We’ve had a lot of fun learning self-control by practicing sitting still without moving for specific amounts of time. Start with 15 seconds, set each child on their own blanket and instruct them to look straight ahead and to not move. The first time you can count the 15 seconds out loud so they can hear their progress. Each time you practice increase the time until they can sit for four minutes without moving. Once four minutes is reached then add different temptations to try to get them to turn and look or move. Some examples are: stand behind the children and crinkle a candy wrapper or pretend to greet someone at the door. Have fun with it. It is amazing for a child to learn they do not have to look every time they hear something interesting or they don’t have to burst into laughter when someone acts silly in front of them. These practiced exercises will come back to help your child when they want to turn around in church or in a class and someone is acting like a goof. Knowing they possess the ability to practice self-control will benefit them in such times of temptation. Excerpts from Kim S. Doebler’s book ESP Character Training. Available for $14.99 at: ESPCharacterTraining.weebly.com or ESP Character Training, PO 247, Lake Tomahawk, WI 54539 ESP Training, Explain, Show & Practice by Kim S. Doebler, Learning Self-Control. — Kim Doebler

Greasy Peanut Butter

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:25:28 +0000

One cold winter day a very long time ago, when I was just three years old, I was sitting on the floor playing with my baby doll. Her name was Emily; she had blue eyes and brown hair, just like me. I loved her very much; I was her mama and she was my baby. All of a sudden, I heard a great, big, scary noise that sounded like a grrrrowwlll. “Oh, no,” I said to my mama, “What is that noise?” My mom was sweeping the floor. She stopped sweeping and stood very still so she could listen. “I do not hear anything,” she said. Running to her side, I told her, “Listen, Mama, listen.” Then she began to laugh and said, “It’s all right, Sweetheart. It is just your tummy making noise; it is telling you that you are hungry. How would you like a spoonful of peanut butter? Here comes your big brother. He can get it for you.” Mama told my big brother to get me a spoonful of peanut butter. Big brother didn’t want to stop what he was doing, so he said, “I don’t want to; I’m too busy.” Mama didn’t take that kind of talk, so she said to him, “Do it right now, young man.” Of course, he did what she told him to do. “Okay, come on, kid.” I followed him to the kitchen. I was too short to see over the counter, so I stood by his side while he got the peanut butter for me. He was looking very sneaky when he said, “Here you go, Sis, eat up.” I said, “Thank you,” and took a big bite. “Yuck! Yuck! Wahhh!” I began to cry. Mom came running. “What did you do?” she demanded. My brother was trying not to laugh as I stood there crying with bacon grease instead of peanut butter dripping from my chin. Taking the spoon of grease, my mama handed it to him and said, “Eat up, Son. All of it.” He was a big boy, but he knew he had to eat it. He made the most awful face as he gagged and choked and swallowed. I felt sorry for him. Mama set me on the counter in order to clean my face, and then she got me a real spoonful of peanut butter. Yum, Yum. My brother never did that again. The End

Homeschool to Blackhawk

Marc Cohen — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 12:15:08 +0000

As I sat at my desk struggling with Saxon algebra ½, wondering what a dangling participle was and fearing the “new” homeschool diet my mom was about to test on us, I certainly didn’t think that a few years later I’d be sitting in an $8 million aircraft learning how to avoid radar- guided missiles. Since most of my friends were homeschooled and didn’t know a fist bump from a frat party, I wasn’t too focused on spending the next four years of my life in the halls of higher learning. But things seemed to change after I finished that stage after high school, where a boy likes to jump off tall things and break bones. Did I really need a degree to start a career? Did McDonald’s really have a retirement package? For those of you who aren’t content with a cubicle or helping your mom knit doilies on your 25th birthday, I may be able to help. I had a desire. I loved flying and everything related to it. God blessed me with parents who drove me to the ends of the earth so I could get that hour in the rusty old airplane or go to that pancake fly-in and meet a “real” pilot. If God’s given you a natural talent for something and a passion to do it, maybe that’s His cue. It’s not always a thundering voice from heaven. I didn’t really know exactly what I wanted to do, but I knew I needed to work hard to get it. I couldn’t rely on an $80,000 piece of paper from the state university telling others I was good at basket weaving. So instead of that, after high school I got a lot of life experience that definitely helped me get to where I am now. I worked many different jobs; I went into the woods for weeks, went on long hikes and figured out where my breaking point was. That’s not something a tenured professor can transfer into your soul. I did everything from teaching flying and delivering boxes for UPS to driving the Amish to market. It wasn’t glorious, but it was valuable, and I had a résumé. I had more than two letters behind my name. So when I looked into flying helicopters for the Army, the “undergraduate degree” required to become an officer didn’t daunt me too much. Only a handful of people are selected, and pilots make up about 0.2% of the entire Army. When it came time for my interview with a colonel and a few majors, I heard it could take up to an hour to impress them. Mine lasted about four minutes. They said they were tired of seeing unemployed history majors with nothing to offer and were always looking for people with real life experience. And it only got easier after that. I finished at the top of my class in boot camp and was an honor graduate in primary flight training and the Blackhawk course. Yes, the vast majority of pilots have degrees, but they also have $60,000 of unpaid student loans and nowhere jobs in their field. I had a passion to fly and to serve our country and a degree didn’t stand in my way. Now, with so many alternatives to traditional college it almost seems pointless to lock yourself into four years of classes you don’t really need, with people who won’t help your career at all. Granted, there are many fields that require a four-plus year degree, but most can be done online or with distance programs that build a degree for you. Distance learning and real life experience are where it’s at. God gives us the dream and desire, but we have to be the owner, coach and cheerleader to get it done. If you haven’t finished high school yet, or you’re in those awkward few years after and you just don’t know what to do, do anything that pushes you to the limit. You have stiff competition with the masses of scholared folk these days, and, as for me, I never regretted taking the jump off the edge. Marc Cohen is the youngest son of Mel and Pat Cohen. Mel serves No Greater Joy as the General Manager.

Instilling Initiative in Our Children

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 12:00:24 +0000

A question we are often asked is, “How do we teach our children to be industrious/assume responsibility/do their duty/be independent/have initiative, etc.?” Having successfully gone through this phase in raising our children, the question that is of more concern to me is this: how do we bring parents to the place where they see the need to instill these qualities in their children? Most parents take too much for granted. I have known several people who purchased a new lawn mower or generator and, assuming it was ready to run, cranked it up and promptly burnt it up, not knowing that it came without oil in the crank case. We assume too much. But it is one thing to lose a Briggs and Stratton engine. It is a much more tragic thing to lose your son to a state of lethargic dependence or to an attitude of unthankful entitlement. Very few of us were trained to be parents. When we were young and being parented we were oblivious to the notion that the process was even taking place, so we never considered noting the technique. Then when we got to be parents we just assumed that the process is somehow automatic—you love them, feed them, keep them clean and healthy, teach them right from wrong, take them to church, and they will automatically grow up to be normal and well- adjusted just like we are. After all, our parents didn't do anything special. Or did they? In the past, when society and schools were more conservative and disciplined, the less proactive approach to child training had a much better chance of yielding positive results, but today the default position is geared to produce 20-year-olds still sitting in the basement in their underwear behind a computer screen surfing the web, social-less networking, or playing a sexy, violent video game. Not as bad—but equally disturbing—is the 20-year-old going to college on his parents’ dime, living his weekends in endless parties and fleshly indulgence while getting three months’ worth of useful education out of four expensive years of idleness. Just the other day, Deb and I were discussing the young people we know and noting that some are focused and industrious, making the most of their days, gaining knowledge and developing a variety of skills, while others sit around waiting for life to come take them by the hand and lead them into a magical world of fulfillment. We mulled over the question once again: what makes one child aggressive on the highway of life and leaves another sitting to the side of the road with his engine idling, listening to the radio while downloading another song to his iPod? Give me a hyperactive kid over a docile dunce any day of the year. Give me an inquisitive rebel over a passive lassie and I will show you the difference between an entrepreneur and the one who answers her phone. The public schools are drugging tomorrow’s inventors and rewarding dumbed-down darlings who never ask why or seek a better way. The following two passages in the book of Proverbs address this subject.

Proverbs 6:6–11: 6 Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: 7 Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler, 8 Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest. 9 How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep? 10 Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: 11 So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man.

Solomon addresses the sluggard, calling his attention to the virtues of the ant, who, though he has no one telling him what to do, nonetheless takes the initiative to prepare his food store for the long winter months, thus assuring his survival. In contrast, the sluggard is sleeping and will come to poverty like a homeless man who travels from place to place or like a man who lives by force of his weapons. It is pitiful to have a 20-year-old son or daughter who has less initiative than an ant.

Proverbs 30:24–28: 24 There be four things which are little upon the earth, but they are exceeding wise: 25 The ants are a people not strong, yet they prepare their meat in the summer; 26 The conies are but a feeble folk, yet make they their houses in the rocks; 27 The locusts have no king, yet go they forth all of them by bands; 28 The spider taketh hold with her hands, and is in kings' palaces.

This passage is interesting for the four things it suggests should receive the attention of an industrious man. 1) They labor to maintain a storehouse of food. 2) They build their homes in secure places (that would include secure from bankers). 3) They maintain a community of friends and associates that offer mutual protection and oversight. 4) Their industriousness exalts them to king's palaces. They take steps that elevate them to be more than passive peons. Wow! What a beautiful blueprint—food, home, community, and influence in powerful places. God made the little creatures thus, and they fulfill his will year after year. Only fallen man is capable of devolving from a son of God to a son of a slug (sluggard). Solomon told us to observe and consider. It takes deliberation and premeditation to lift oneself and one’s children out of the sticky sluggardly slime of passive participation and dependence. The problem is that adults are impatient and want results now. You are trapped in poverty with an insufficient variety of skills to adjust to the shifting economy, and you look to the system to open up a place for you, but the doors are few and there are so many who want to enter the same door at the same time. “If I had only learned—.” It takes years to develop skills and confidence. A man with a family doesn’t have years. He needs to be successful right now. That is why it is so important to start that experience-oriented education when there are still eighteen years of grace and subsidy to see one through the training period. I am talking about training that begins at one year of age. There is no mystery here. Think about it. Other than a few highly-gifted kids, I ask you, which kids are more likely to grow up to have self-confidence and be self-sufficient, the children of well-to-do parents who provide everything and allow their “children to be children” with no responsibility or demands placed upon them, or the children of poorer parents who require their children to participate in their own survival—doing chores, making do with less, and working for everything they get? No contest. Everyone knows that the rich kid (and those poor kids treated like rich kids) are most likely to be lazy loafers, dependent upon the system to provide their needs. Have you ever noticed how many really successful people—the uber-rich and the movers and shakers—come from poor, struggling families? But they were not of that number of poor people who live with a sense of entitlement. Their parents worked hard and always shared a hope of building their web in kings’ palaces. The kids grew up believing that hard work and honest dealing would pay off, and it did. We are addressing the question of how we as parents can instill that spirit of confidence and self-reliance in our children. There are many words we can use, but I prefer the word initiative. You cannot see entrepreneurship in a four-year-old—and all four-year-olds fail to be responsible and dutiful in so many forgetful ways—but you can see initiative. Initiative has nothing to do with skills or education. It is a positive spirit of inquiry and self-motivated action. Curiosity and conquest of one’s environment is the fruit of initiative. Preparation—as in the ant preparing his food for the winter—is part of that spirit of initiative. While other people are waiting in line, the person with initiative builds shade for everybody and then sells them water. While the run-of-the-mill teenager waits for Daddy to buy him a car, the teen with initiative buys an old junker for four hundred dollars and spends his spare time fixing it up. While some young ladies sit around at home brooding over their lack of suitors, those with initiative busy themselves with building a dowry of skill and money, making themselves interesting and productive. Guys like girls who are happy and going someplace. They are wary of the needy and dependent sponges who “just want to get married and have babies.” Girlie, how long has it been since you read Proverbs 31? Debi has a good exposé on it in her book, Created to Be a Help Meet. Read it again. Now for the answer. First the don’ts, and then the dos. Don't allow your young children to spend more than one hour a day sitting in front of a screen of any kind. Little to no exposure would be best. Don't provide a room full of toys. Don’t work for them, allowing them to be idle. Don’t buy the superfluous things they want. No cell phones or computers with social networking, texting, or email capabilities. Now the dos. Understand that initiative is first a matter of attitude—not skill or knowledge—which should come later. Self-confidence is believing in the possibilities of opportunity. Even more, it is seeing opportunity where others see barriers. A boy who has leaped small walls grows up to believe he can leap tall walls, as well. Where some people see a wall as a place to sit down and wait for help, the self-reliant sees an opportunity to climb to the top and look down on the world. If he can’t climb by himself, he solicits the help of others or he uses whatever materials are available to build a ladder; but he has fun all the time because he anticipates victory. Failure is never failure to the confident person; it is knowledge gathered of what will not work, and it provides a catalyst to modify his methods and try something else. And try he will. The parent’s responsibility is to provide the small child with walls just tall enough to make the task of climbing challenging—so he will feel satisfaction when he succeeds—but not so tall as to prevent him from succeeding. That’s it in a nutshell. It’s not complicated or profound. Just this past week a man, who, among other things, is an electrician, brought his two sons—thirteen and sixteen years old—to assist me in wiring the house I have now been building for six years. They worked all week for free, every day, from early morning until late in the evening. The boys cheerfully worked without complaint, like they were having fun drilling holes and pulling unwilling wires throughout the sprawling house, weaving a giant spider web of copper threads. Toward the end of the week I asked him how he trained his boys to take responsibility and have self-confidence. His answer was that of a workman, not a scholar: “I give them jobs just a little bigger than they are and then hang back to observe.” One more thing not to do. Do not give them jobs they are not capable of doing well unless you are emotionally able to pretend it was a job well done. Do not criticize to the point of developing an adversarial relationship. One father will give his sons walls to climb and then help them climb until they stand at the top celebrating, while another father will give his sons walls to climb and then ridicule and belittle them when they fail to immediately reach the top. The first kid develops confidence and initiative while the second assumes a defeatist, “I can’t do anything right” attitude. There it is, Mister: sons reduced to failures by critical words won’t have the means or the will to take care of you in your old age. Get ready to die alone in a government-run institution where “end-of-life-decisions” are made by college kids who, under a mandate to save money, are in a hurry to get back to their texting. In my DVD “Teaching Responsibility,” I tell the story of a young Amish man who attended my Bible study regularly. One day he announced that he was going to pack up his family and go away to Bible College with some of the young kids that were headed to the mission field. It alarmed me because he was critically uneducated and couldn’t even read well. Taking him aside, I cautiously warned him that the college demands were stringent and would probably be too much for him. Undeterred, he grinned like I had just told him how to harness up his mule, and said, “I have broken wild mustangs; I have repaired all kinds of generators and other pieces of equipment, built barns and houses, put in plumbing and planted large gardens; I can do this, as well.” I didn’t believe him, but he did just as he said. He worked himself to death, staying up long hours to study and getting up early, studying on the weekends. His first semester he achieved a lot of Ds; his second had more Cs and his third was mostly Bs. Shut my mouth! Never underestimate the power of confidence and initiative. I just took a break from writing and went out to play with Shalom’s children. Parker is ten months old and all man. He never did look like a baby. If the Lord tarries long enough for him to get old, he will be able to exchange his baby pictures for his age 75 photos—only four teeth, sunken eyes, bald-headed, bony face, a stumbling walk, plenty of will but very little way, and occasionally messes in his pants. We end up pretty close to where we started, don’t we—somebody else changing our pants, feeding us with a spoon and getting in our face to say sweet meaningless things. This has nothing to do with the article. I guess I am getting too close to that time and it is on my mind. Back to our subject: I took the two girls and Parker down by the creek to explore. He didn’t want to be carried. He wanted to walk. The rocks are sharp and make walking difficult. He was slow and cautious, but he still wanted to walk. It dawned on me that this obstacle course was just what a ten-month-old needs to build a can-do spirit. Parker was facing his limitations and pressing beyond, building confidence and manly aggression. Last week I took Jeremiah with me to a job site where Gabriel and Nathan have teamed up on a project, building a new auditorium and fellowship hall for a church. Five-year-old Jeremiah immediately spotted a ten-foot-high pile of dirt and gravel that just begged to be climbed. The loose gravel kept sliding under his feet as he gained two steps and lost one. I watched with amusement, remembering how it felt to be young and have a mountain to conquer. He didn’t quit until he reached the top, and then he celebrated with uplifted hands and shouting like a conquering hero. I am sure he heard the band playing and the gathered throng cheering as the workers ignored him and he stood unnoticed by all but himself and his proud grandpa. That pile of gravel was one of those little walls that need climbing in order to have confidence to climb higher ones. Someday the wall may be a business decision or a career move. While others hunker down out of fear, Jeremiah will strive to reach the top—many tops—time and time again. It becomes a way of life to ignore the difficulty, the pain, the nay-saying of others and keep putting one foot above the other, resisting the resistance, until another goal is reached. I took Jeremiah with me to the knife and tomahawk world championships recently. He had been practicing with his knives and was dressed like an Indian. He would walk up to a total stranger and very confidently announce, “I am a knife thrower.” Yeah, he is a knife thrower, and occasionally a knife sticker, but the rare sticks are enough to give him an inflated sense of self-worth. No, I don't want him to be humble. Not yet. Life will eventually accomplish that unwelcome task in painful ways. Right now I want him to believe he can do anything he wants to do and that his support team believes he is the very best. One day it will be about ability and accomplishment. Not everybody wins. But I hope you understand that today it is about spirit and soul. If you build strength, confidence, and courage in them when they are ten months old, they will be tomorrow’s movers and shakers, full of confidence, initiative, responsibility, duty, industriousness, and a spirit of independence from everything but God and family.

Avoiding Vacuums

Michael Pearl — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 11:00:06 +0000

Question: “What conversations can we have with our 9-year-old daughter and our 11-year-old son to inoculate them from the sexual perversions they will come across in the church, etc.?” Question: “How do I protect my children from sexual temptation?” “Inoculate them”? Impossible. “Protect them from temptation”? Only to a degree. Equipping them to endure temptation is the only effective recourse. The infallible Word of God tells us that God will not put more temptation on us than we are able to bear. That must mean either that God regulates us, by means of teaching and grace, in proportion to the level of temptation we will encounter, or that he places a governor on the temptation to prevent it from exceeding our abilities to resist—or both. Either way, it is clear that our Heavenly Father manages our exposure and resistance to temptation. Shouldn’t you do the same for your child? Most of us attack the temptation, leaving the child in a vacuum of innocence, not realizing the need to equip the child to be an overcomer, even in our absence, in the face of great temptation. Do not put your children in a place where temptation becomes more than they can bear. And do not expect a once-a-year talk on sex to “inoculate” them against temptation. Neither should you rest in the security system you designed to stop temptation from getting to them. You cannot just teach—you must actually prepare them to resist temptation in your absence. Negative rules and warnings and threats are necessary but not sufficient. Read and reread the following statement: You must meet all the social, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs of your children before they are tempted. It is dangerous to allow a child who needs affirmation of his worth to be tempted. The temptation may offer fulfillment of that need. You cannot let a child face temptation who feels the need for companionship and approval. You cannot let a child face temptation who feels intellectually deprived of a rudimentary knowledge of sex. He will receive information from anyone who offers it. You cannot let a vacuum of companionship and approval develop in your children’s lives. If you do, they will be willing at the first opportunity to lower their standards to gain the approval and acceptance necessary to be part of a social order. Further, if they don’t have good friends who are good, they will make good friends of the bad boys and girls that enter their circle of acquaintances. I have noticed in our own church, when visitors come with their young teenage kids, the discontent and rebellious among them will always locate one particular teenager among our own who is equally unhappy. A kid exuding darkness will walk into a room, survey it, and immediately be drawn to like spirits. It will happen every time. In five minutes you will see them standing off on their own, talking quietly. Either kid would be angry if you tried to monitor his social life, for they can only find kinship in unapproved darkness. Parents of such children cannot redeem them apart from a complete Holy Ghost revival. There may be a shade of darkness in the soul of your child. If so, do not make the mistake of thinking that by “cracking down” or by teaching them about sex you are going to cure the problem. It is a soul problem, and it cannot be met with religion or law. The church is not the answer. Your own soul—the soul of the family—is the only cure. When the child’s vacuums are filled with fruit and flowers, they will not journey through the thorns and thistles seeking beauty. Don’t put them in the place where they are under the influence of questionable kids that are older than they, or kids with stronger, more dominant personalities. Understand, they have a need to belong, to fit in, to not be the lonely oddball. If their self-image is fed and sustained at home, children can go outside the family into a negative environment and not be troubled by being the outsider, at odds with the tone and flow of the conversation and activities. They can leave the mountaintop of moral nurturing and walk through the valley of stupidity and shame, resisting its appeals, because all their human needs for socializing and acceptance have been met on the mountaintop to which they know they will soon return. But if you take a kid who is a vacuum of unfulfilled human needs into the place of corruption, he will find satisfaction holding hands with the devil. Every kid will give his heart to someone. If not to you—to the family—then whom? It is just a matter of time and opportunity. Kids who are unfulfilled attract their opposites like magnets. There are children who have experimented with evil and have yielded to its lure. The excitement and power it offers has filled them with captivating experiences and stimulating “secrets.” They have a compulsion to seek out the most vulnerable, hungry souls, enchanting them with tales of their journey down forbidden paths. It is the original temptation, the lure of obtaining the knowledge of good and evil, to go where you are not supposed to and discover the things so exciting and stimulating that one feels empowered by the very knowledge of it. The vulnerable children are flattered by the attention and confidence of their new—bigger and cooler—mentor. Now they have a “true friend” who values them enough to let them in on the “secrets” that can make them like the gods, “knowing good and evil.” The fallen innocent will defend their choice with, “Well, my parents never understood me or cared.” After a verbal introduction into the intoxicating experience of sexual experimentation has stirred their curiosity and lust, they will then seek a time and place to journey down the dark path of personal experience. It may be the path to the upstairs bedroom, or the kids’ “play house” in the back yard. It may be in the garage of a friend or in the woods or empty lots, but be sure, when kids want to skulk away to a dark corner to drink from the devil’s cup, they will find opportunities where you are sure none exist. If they are determined, there is no such thing as protecting them. You cannot build enough fences without; you must build fences within. How do we meet all those needs before they are met by the dark side? Every family is different, yet sweet balance always looks the same—a family that has fun together, sharing common goals, sharing a vision that gives great hope for the future. This family is part of a community of like-minded believers who provide all the social needs of the children; they are well-instructed and delight themselves in God; and they are engaged in life, creating, learning, and growing together. In short, their favorite people in all the world are members of their own family. But each family is different in that we are all at different starting points, on either end of a pendulum. Some families are too legalistic and religious while others are too irreverent and secular. Some families are too busy seeking worldly success while others live in the doldrums of apathy and inactivity. Some families are filled with “christian psychology,” practicing “positive affirmation” until their kids think words have no meaning; others talk down to the kids, thinking they are preventing them from becoming prideful, or they think negative criticism will correct negative behavior. I don’t know where your family is or how it got there. Maybe you don’t either. So start over. Love God until you sing praise to him in your dreams. Love your wife or husband until they giggle in the presence of the kids. Love your church (the people) to the point of sacrificing for the needy. Love sinners to the point that you pray for them and share the gospel with them. Love your children so much that you smile every time you look at them. End negative speech about everybody and everything except sin and the devil. Make yourself and your family healthy with good eating and exercise. Experience the excitement of learning and growing with your children. Learn anything useful and do anything productive. Make money, make music, make a garden, make everybody laugh. Through a variety of experiences, let each child discover his own interests and then excitedly aid him in pursuing his goals. Above all, do what God did to equip us: teach Bible stories. God tells us that all the stories of the Bible, Old and New Testament, are given as an example for our learning. These stories impart knowledge, wisdom, fear of walking in sin, judgment, and appreciation for righteousness and God’s sweet blessings. The very knowledge your children gain will give them understanding regarding the deceitfulness of sin and the blessings of obedience. These old stories are there not only to teach our minds, but also to mold our hearts. The child who is not personally acquainted with many Bible stories is handicapped in overcoming evil. I am talking about Bible stories, not applications, not principles, not sweet little examples you come up with; plain old Bible stories. Have your children study and teach Bible stories. Discuss sin and righteousness and memorize the words of God found in the King James Bible, forming a worldview from which they will never depart. Then make sure that the family moves in a social circle that provides a variety of potential spouses. When thirteen- and fourteen-year-old kids can fix their dreams upon a potential spouse—even if the object of their admiration changes monthly—they will live so as to be accepted by those people they admire and whose approval they must have in order to be considered a worthy spouse. If you would like to hear more on this subject, I have placed online, free of charge, a message I recently delivered to the church. Go to http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/audio/sex-education-for-children/ to download this recording. Feel free to copy the message and distribute it to others. If you do not have online capabilities you can purchase a CD through our store. Also, watch for my wife’s newest book for children, Yell and Tell: A Warning for Children Against Sexual Predators. It is a simple rhyme and rhythm of a mother teaching her son how to respond if and when he is approached sexually by another child or even an adult family friend. It will be an invaluable tool. We plan to have the book ready by November 1, 2010. I can’t thank you enough for this article. As a survivor of child abuse and neglect, I’m amazed at how “free” and trusting people can be with their children (my father molested every single kid that came to sleep over). Six years ago I begged my sister not to allow my father in the house after being released from prison, but unfortunately she choose to let him live with them and recently found out that one of her daughters was molested. She knew he had molested me and at least 15 more children, but she chose to ignore the evidence and trust him. She reasoned that he would never hurt a grandchild. The hardest part [for us] as parents who tended to be naive, was discovering the evil that occurred when we thought we were protecting our children. We learned the hard way that few people could be trusted as caregivers in our absence. I am glad we trained our children from young ages that there were private areas of their bodies that no one should view or touch. It was the areas their underwear covered or anywhere else they felt was private. They were likewise not to view or touch other people’s private areas. When a sitter violated a private area our son was quick to tell us. We had left with plans, but when we got to our nearby destination I told my husband I had a bad feeling and asked to go back home. We arrived and sensed something wrong. Our son came to us and told us what happened. He said he was worried about getting the person in trouble. We reassured him that the adult was wrong and had no right to secrets. Unfortunately, we learned that taking in an unwanted seven-year-old niece to raise had damaging, lasting effects on our other children. We were unaware of the evil done to her at young ages. It came out in her actions to our youngest son, a four-year-old. The hardest part of this kind of evil is the sneakiness that is perfected by the one carrying on the action. Who would expect a throw-away child to even know about the things she did or asked our young son to do? I also learned I should have accompanied my daughter even on an afternoon play visit to the Christian family next door. In my absence a grandfather took liberties. When I learned that this man babysat the children frequently, we reported it. Evil things were brought into our home both by our niece and later by a boy. One youth we were asked to supervise for a weekend was briefly left alone with our daughter when her brothers left the room. He took advantage of the brief minute to expose himself. She immediately told us, and we questioned the boy. He admitted his action and implicated his father from our church. The boy said his dad did the same and more to his sister and that was why his mom left with his sister. Yikes! Without our presence we also have no way of knowing if another child is experimenting with same gender play. In a very young child I handled it as you suggested. In an older child, protection is the only way. Our daughter reported a church friend’s attempts to introduce her to lesbian acts during a sleepover. The girl was only 12 years old! That eliminated sleepovers. Thank you, Mr. Pearl, for writing this article. I was a girl who “walked [through] the valley of the shadow of shame” and experienced the heartbreak of having parents turn their backs in anger and disgust. It took a pregnancy and almost a marriage to bring us together as a family again. Now we are fighting to save my little daughter from the sexual addict that is her father. PLEASE, parents who are reading this, heed Mr. Pearl’s instruction so that you may avoid tragedy. I thank God for His grace. I am the “piece of trash that God lifted from the ground and holds to His heart.” —A Mom Thank you for your article. I have a step-son who is 11 who was caught doing stuff with my little girls. I had five little girls at the time and was due to have another any day. In fact, I had been in labor when it all happened, which distracted me long enough for this to happen. (Believe me, the weight of protecting and raising so many girls hit me hard at that moment.) He had been exposed to porn and had been exploring on my little girls. He is here, he is mine, but not mine biologically, but what is my husband’s is mine....he has been repentant, but I don’t trust him fully anymore. He has taken out his anger about the situation on my girls. Like they were his temptation and I know they still are that, a temptation, though he doesn’t wish to go there again. My oldest involved was 6. You have mentioned how to deal with many things, little kids and older ones. But what about when it’s older ones with little ones? I don’t want to shun the boy so he gets ahead down a wrong path, and am lost at how to help my girls because they were exposed to more than the usual “exploring”. If I boot him out, his chances are next to none elsewhere, nor will my husband allow it. There’s not really anywhere to “send” him either. Here is all he’s got. I tried the thing with my girls of letting the curiosity just go, but their curiosity has been sparked in more than the usual, and it seems to be harder for them to dump. I’m not looking to sign any of the kids’ passes into hell in any sense. —A Stepmom What sound advice. I still think of my childhood from time to time with sadness. When I was little, my girl cousin and I apparently had been caught touching each other...something I don’t even remember, but when I was older my father brought it up to me in a moment of anger, with such disgust that it really did damage to the way I viewed myself, as well as my relationship with my father. I had also been molested at the age of ten by a family friend. The combination of the two incidents wore away at my self-respect. When I was 15, I sinned gravely. I attended a church camp and fell head over heels for one of the young directors. After two months of being hard to get, I let myself fall prey to his charms, and we had a sexual encounter. Several months later, my guilt was so great that I confessed everything to my parents and told them I wanted to start right. It was the worst mistake I could have made, and I wish I had never told them. Their response was so heart-breaking. They told me it was too late to start right. My father never, ever fully forgave me. There were times I think he tried, but he never let it go. In moments of anger, he would throw it, and anything else he could, in my face. One time he threw a book at me and it hit my glasses and broke them. Any time he saw me within ten feet of another boy, he would accuse me of flirting or being inappropriate, reminding me that I could not be trusted after what I had done. When I was 17, my good friend went to the military. He and I wrote letters to each other, which I found out from my dad (in another of his angry moments) that he had been reading behind my back, and didn’t understand how I could have a sweetheart behind his back, and called me a “whore.” When I turned 18, I left my parents’ home. I just packed three suitcases, took out all of my savings and bought a plane ticket to California, where I met up with my military friend. We lived together for three years, two of which were spent in fornication. I thought, what did it matter, I was a whore anyway. Two years ago, we both came back to the Lord. He really got hold of us. We got married and are now expecting our first child. Parents, know this: I would most likely never have “jumped ship” if I had only been forgiven and loved by my parents. At 15, I had a heart that desperately wanted to follow God from that point on. However, when my parents didn’t forgive me, I felt that God would not forgive me either. I know that is not Biblical, as our Lord forgives us with certainty, however a 15-year-old girl’s broken heart does not see herself through God’s eyes, but through a “glass darkly.” How I wish my parents had responded with God’s love and justice, instead of anger and disdain. Even now, I have very little relationship with any of my family. It took many years for me to understand that the floodgates of God’s forgiveness and mercy were already opened up to me the day His Son died for my sins. Parents, please heed Bro. Pearl’s advice. Do not try to be more holy than God. His mercy is the height of holiness. Don’t give up on your children, just as He did not give up on you. I was actually going to write you at one time and ask if you would address this subject. I am one of 14 children, and my father and two of my brothers molested me; my father also molested another sister. One of the brothers lured me, by fear, to allow a neighbor boy to do certain things. The molestation stopped at around the age of 12, thankfully. But as a Christian now, I still have to occasionally fight off bizarre sexual thoughts that want to come in. It affects you for the rest of your life. My father did, as an older man, call me when I grew up and with tears asked for forgiveness. This was only because another sister found out about it and confronted him. When I asked him why he did it, you know what he said? He said it was because my mother did not give him ‘affection’, and that I was a very affectionate child. How sad and sick. Being molested myself, I was very leery of anyone “babysitting” my kids. My husband and I never allowed sleepovers. We never allowed other children to play in the room with them alone. I never allowed even my own two children to play in the room together without the door wide open and me in the next room. Last but not least, I prayed diligently for years that the Lord would protect them from ever being molested. I believed that if I prayed this diligently, that it was according to His will and I would have the request I ask of Him. That is not what happened. A few years back, because of certain circumstances, my husband and I took in a boy the same age as our son and...you guessed it...even with all my ‘safeguards’ in place, this 11-year-old boy—who was raised in an ungodly home—told my kids very sordid graphic details about sex, all in a ‘funny’ way. That was his thing. To make it funny. And to my horror, they began to laugh and go along with it. Then one day, he went up behind my younger child and tried to simulate the marital act upon the backside. This was in the next room to me! No doors even closed, and within my earshot. Later my children even told me that he would talk about sordid things even in the car with me driving. I was right there! I have fasted and prayed that the Lord would remove this child permanently from our home, and my husband has agreed that if the Lord provides another open door, he will have him leave. Please, please, Mr. Pearl (and staff), pray that the Lord opens the door for him to go live with his other relatives! As you know, adoption has become very popular in the church, among popular ministries, and there are so many Christians adopting older, international children, and often damaged children, and then suffering great heartbreak. They are confused, as they believed they were doing God’s will, obeying the Bible to care for orphans, etc....and this is happening. Yet, because of the nature of the subject, they are suffering silently, and confused. Any advice would be appreciated. —A Mom MICHAEL ANSWERS: Right here in our own community a family adopted three children from Liberia. We warned them, but they were so caught up with good feelings about how they were sacrificing their lives to save poor starving children from orphanages that they danced their way into tragedy. They have several children younger than the three adopted kids, who, unknowing to them, were well-versed in all the dark arts of eroticism and ghastly perversion. We have received many letters from families who have adopted children from overseas, quite a few from Liberia, and nearly every one of them—if not all—told sad stories of the fall of their natural children into sexual deviance. I will say this again. Never adopt children even close to the age of your own. You should be past child-bearing age, and your children should be at least 10 to 15 years older than the adopted kids. I don’t think there is any such thing as an orphanage-raised child who has not been a participant in sexual perversion. If you are older and your kids are grown, it is a wonderful, full-time ministry to adopt foreign kids. You will experience heartache, possibly failure, but you may just save a soul from sure destruction. But if there is failure, at least your kids will not go down with them. A foster mom’s dilemma. We had a foster daughter this year, and she had been molested. We had no idea, and she acted out with one of my sons. I had so much guilt, as I know that you say, “Always watch your children.” I had failed in my role as a guardian, and I was sick at heart. —A Mom MICHAEL RESPONDS: It is impossible to watch thoroughly enough to prevent two kids from finding time alone. Your mistake was having the girl in the house with your children. Foster parenting is for people whose children are grown or for families with older children who take in the very young.