No Greater Joy Ministries » Attitudes

Serious Smile

Michael Pearl — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 11:40:03 +0000

Life is very serious, and so it must be handled with a very serious smile. And it’s best to bring it with you, for quite often circumstances will not provide you with provocation. I am not telling you to “look within.” Sometimes the only smile you can find there is that of a court jester or a cynic. Nor am I suggesting that you somehow transcend reality with some blind spiritual ecstasy. That is an escape reserved for concentration camps and extreme suffering. The creative mind finds it difficult to smile in the midst of drudgery. The difference between a smile and a gripe is not the circumstance, but the point of view. To the rancher it’s a useless place to raise cattle; to the oil man it’s a treasure trove. To the tired mother, repeating the same chores day after day, struggling to keep peace with the children, aware of her fading youth and her failure to have achieved the self-expression she expected, wishing for romance that died too quickly, today is just another burden to be borne; whereas to the mother with a vision for eternity, today is an opportunity to be God’s nanny, teaching His kids to honor Him. She doesn’t carry the burden of personal ambition. Borrowed worries can leave us pulling God’s load, probably in a direction He would never take it. My Daddy used to say that he found life difficult until he resigned as chairman of the universe. The common laborer smiles while his boss pulls his hair out. If you’re not running the company, but assuming the responsibility anyway, you may never find rest. The song says, “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.” If you look at the quality of your trust, your smile may vanish, but if you look to the success of Him whom you trust, there will always be more than enough motivation to smile.

Learning to Share

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 12:15:00 +0000

One day last week as I was cleaning the NGJ kitchen, I looked out the window to see my two girls heading to the herb pond. Running out to the porch, I hollered to them to go back to the swing set where I had left them. Gracie, my four-year-old, quickly turned and headed back, but Laila, my ever-adventurous 16-month-old, kept on going. Her mind and heart were set on making it all the way to the pond, no matter what the cost. Not wanting to run all the way down the hill to where they were, I yelled to Gracie to go back for her. Gracie began to pull her back, and Laila pulled the other way. I yelled down to Gracie again, “Get behind her and give her a love pat.” This only made Laila more determined to get free of her sister, and she fought all the more to get past. Gracie tried again to pat her on the bottom, but Laila was not going to have any of it. “Pick her up and carry her!” I finally ordered. Gracie was able to carry Laila half-way across the yard before she began screaming her protest. As I started to walk that direction, I saw Laila kicking Gracie to get free, and down they went! Both of them, at their wit’s end, could be seen rolling around on the ground fighting. I was laughing so hard by this time that I was having a difficult time being strong enough to discipline Laila. Tremaine, who works in the shipping department, came out the door laughing, for he, as well, had been watching them from his window. Not knowing I was on the porch above, he could not figure out why they were struggling. So, for all of you out there who have ever wondered if Mike Pearl’s grandchildren ever get mad, there it is. My girls are best friends and enemies at the same time. They can play like champs together, and the next moment be fighting like cats and dogs. When Laila began to get around and play like a kid and not just a baby, Gracie started to play the first-born card. “I don’t want to play with Laila; she’s in my way. She’s knocking down my blocks,” and on it went. I don’t blame her, though. I would not want to play with an uncoordinated wrecking machine either, living at the same time, in the same house, and being together all the time. But I wanted Gracie to learn to be tolerant. I wanted to get Gracie to the point where she wanted to play with Laila, and do it without constantly fighting over this or that. So, after some thought, I began to tell Gracie, “That’s fine; you don’t have to play with Laila, but you have to go to your room and play if you want her to leave you alone. Laila will stay with me.” Off she would go to play in her room. Then, with great enthusiasm, I would begin to play with Laila. Gracie never lasted more than three minutes on her own; she would come out to tell me she wanted to play with Laila now. After about five times of my sending her to her room to play, she very rarely says anymore, “I don’t want to play with Laila.” That does not mean they don’t still have their moments, but at least Gracie has learned that it is better to have a little sister in the way than to play by herself in her room. This will not work with all kids. Some would be glad to be by themselves, but Gracie loves interaction with everything that is happening. They share a room, and Gracie, being three years older, has things she does not want Laila to touch. So, to keep the peace, I set the closet up to be Gracie’s special place. I put a small shelf in the bottom of it, and all the stuff that she does not want Laila to touch goes on it. Laila is not allowed to go into the closet. She knows that it is off limits. Gracie will sometimes invite Laila to sit with her in her special closet. Laila knows this is a special thing, and she is always very thankful. They both sit there smiling from ear to ear, both knowing that life is better when they’re playing together and willingly sharing.

Dogs Cats and Kids

Michael Pearl — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:00:27 +0000

I just got through feeding the dogs and cats. They are nearly as stupid as humans, controlled by their impulses and prejudices. I scatter dry dog food along the driveway so the two cats and two dogs can eat without being too close to each other. But the two dogs think it is their life’s calling to starve cats to death. One dog, whom I call “Useless,” is the worst cat hater. He will prevent the cats from eating, to his own detriment. I can put a quart of dog food on the driveway and throw a handful under the car where the cats can get to it, and Useless will run around the car, here and there lying on his side, pushing his head up under the car with his tongue stretched to the limit, and scraping up gravel and crushed leaves, all with one purpose: trying to deprive the cat of a single pellet of dog food. Meanwhile, the other dog will be gobbling up all the readily available food assigned to both of them. By the time the cat has eaten and the dog has rescued three or four morsels of food, the other dog will have finished off the first dog’s portion, leaving Stupid Useless with nothing to eat. But, at least the cat knew who was boss! Now, I have seen kids act the same way, and it makes no sense at all. A child has a room full of toys, and another child comes over to visit. When the visitor picks up a single toy that has not felt the hands of its owner in six months, suddenly it is the very toy Snotty wants to play with. It is disheartening to see your child with no more sense than a useless mutt saved from the dog pound’s gas chamber—unthankful, selfish, self-centered, pouty, and downright mean-spirited. Need I point out that all children are descendents of fallen Adam, born into the world without God, possessed of selfish drives that will most certainly result in sinful attitudes and actions? You can demand that Snotty share, and you can quote Bible verses to let your guests know that you are a spiritual person. But, it would be more believable if you just look embarrassed and explained that you have not read the latest issue of No Greater Joy Magazine, nor watched the DVD, Joy of Training. Regardless, it is simply too late. Your kid has humiliated you. The only way I know to cure old Useless is to borrow a really big, sassy, tomcat with an attitude and one-inch claws and feed him sardines right out in the open. It is not that I care for cats; it’s just that I detest having such a selfish dog. I would like to see him get his comeuppance. Very likely, I can’t help you with your dog, but I do have some ideas that will work on your selfish child. You could keep a cache of new toys handy, so that when Snotty does his next ‘dog-hates-cat’ routine, you can get out one of the new toys and give it to the visiting guest. That will take the kink out of his selfish little head. The life principle that will always work for you is one I have stated many times. Never forget it. “Make all negative behavior counterproductive, and reward all positive behavior.” Kids do have complete control of their attitudes, just as you do. The other day, Shalom was trying to take some pictures of Gracie that were to be used in this magazine. She was to share the frame with our other dog, we call “Dog.” Dog takes every opportunity to lick human flesh. Gracie did not like posing with the dog—didn’t want Dog touching her. She had a Cover Girl pout. Every picture looked like the “before-reading-To Train-Up-a-Child” shot. That, of course, wouldn’t do in our magazine, so Shalom said, “Gracie, if you will smile and make a good picture, I will give you a piece of chocolate.” Wow, what transformation! She turned into Miss ‘I-love-to-be-licked-by-the-sandpaper-tongue-of-a-dog-that-has-been-eating-cats’ congeniality. Her smiles and affections to Dog were awesome. She is a born actress. Where did old Grumpy Gracie go? She had control of her attitude when she had a selfish reason to do so. Now, when I say “reward all positive behavior,” Gracie’s situation is not exactly what I had in mind. And when I say, “Make all negative behavior counterproductive,” I don’t necessarily mean spanking. Most negative behavior in a child is not rebellion; it is immaturity, lack of self-control, or emotional struggles. If a parent is perceptive and has a sense of creativity, he can adapt the child’s environment to make negative behavior unpleasant. For example, if you want your child to stop sucking a pacifier, don’t spank, rebuke, or nag the child; just cut about one-eighth of an inch from the tip of the nipple every two or three days. In about two weeks, there won’t be enough left to give any pleasure. It will keep popping out of the little sucker’s mouth. He will be confused about what is happening. He will start wondering why he ever thought that silly thing would give him any comfort. A couple more discrete snips, and he will have to hold it to his face and stick his tongue out to taste it. No pleasure—no need. “Chuck it, little one, and show your smile to the world.” That is what I mean when I say make negative behavior counterproductive. Now, back to our story of Snotty the toy-hoarder. I suggested making his behavior counterproductive by giving a new toy to every young guest that he rebuffs. If, at the beginning of each month, you buy two or three toys to put in your “cache” and explain to him that at the end of the month if you haven’t given them away, he can have them, then he will know that any selfish, “No, it’s mine!” that comes out of his mouth is going to result in the toys leaving the house, he will begin to share with abandoned joy. If you don’t like the reward approach, the next time a visitor is rebuffed by him, move him and his toys into a room by himself, and let him play alone. Take note: he does not really care for the toy, nor does he want to play with it; like Useless, he just wants to assert himself and maintain control, even to his own hurt. When the child he wants to control gets to stay with the more interesting adults and he is shut out, he will welcome the other kid into his room and share what he has. He may hold out changing his attitude until he is sure that you are serious. But with your consistent “treatment” of his problem, in time, he will become convinced that his negative behavior is unproductive. I am thinking about making a vest for my cat, one that has a battery and a transformer that emits electrical impulses through little antennas that stick out everywhere. When Useless touches the cat, he will experience negative sensations in and about his flee-bitten body. Yeah, that might work. Just make sure you don’t get your dog training and child training techniques mixed up.

Squashing Bad Habits

No Greater Joy Ministries — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 11:15:14 +0000

I recently found myself at a crossroads with my 1-year-old baby girl. I could either continue giving her crackers and Cheerios to keep her “tantrum free” at the dinner table, or I could embrace the opportunity to train her to eat healthy food that I knew she needed. Unfortunately, I had let this behavior slip up on me; I didn’t even recognize the habit I had formed with her by “hiding” the less tasty veggies inside her applesauce or sweet potatoes! But, I DID know well enough that the hard work I needed to put into training our little Sophie would pay off tenfold, because we have already had big successes in the past with her 3- and 4-year-old siblings when they were her age. What a blessing it is to see them eat whatever is offered with grateful hearts! So here was our plan: Day One: “Baby Boot Camp” began. When Sophie was offered her usual steamed squash, she spit it out and threw her bite “overboard.” I swatted her because of her tantrum and bad attitude. This went on for several attempted bites. She finally quit spitting, but still refused to eat. So, in my happiest “you’re not bothering me one bit” tone, I took her plate to the refrigerator. Each time she would ask for more food, I would smile, go get her squash, and offer her a bite—which she would refuse…and refuse…and refuse. After that, she got down out of her high chair and went on with her usual day and usual nap. When she woke up, I served her the squash again, which she again refused. My mother’s heart was strained for those hours knowing that she was hungry, but I kept reciting Proverbs 31:25: “Strength and honor are her clothing.” And, then came a victory! After 10 long hours, she broke her “squash fast” and eagerly ate EVERY BITE! Day Two: At breakfast, I served her blueberries, another food she had recently decided not to eat. But on this day, I made the mistake of giving Sophie a full cup of milk first, so I think her tummy was fuller than I needed her to be for “Baby Boot Camp.” However, her “blueberry fast” was shorter-lived than the day before—5 hours! I considered today a success! Day Three: Today, I served her strawberries at breakfast, and she refused them, but only until after her morning nap (about 4 hours later). Then she ate them with complete delight. Also, I believe it is important to note at this point that she is no longer throwing any tantrums in her high chair. Day Four: On the menu for lunch was lima beans, but this was the food she would choose to refuse today. I once again took her plate to the refrigerator, and after about one hour, she ate each and every lima bean on her plate, with pleasure! Day Seven: “Sophie’s Last Stand.” Daddy served her some squash, but she refused it. So into the refrigerator it went, until about 10 minutes later when she asked to eat it and then gobbled it up! It’s been several months now, and to date, our baby girl is one happy eater. Because of that, she has one happy mama and a happy daddy, too. Who wants to eat a meal with a whiny, picky, ungrateful eater? Praise God for giving us wisdom to tackle this at her young age! “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5). —Catherine Ward

Bad Days?

Shalom (Pearl) Brand — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 12:40:14 +0000

I would like Shalom to answer a question for me. Does she ever have days when the kids are terrible, crying and unhappy all day long, or is her life always just too good to be true? Marie Dear Marie, I, too, am a mother who is still learning and has many failings. I do not know all the answers, so I start every day with an expectation of learning something new and of trying to be a better wife and mother. I regularly seek advice from others. I just pray that when Gracie and Laila are grown, they will not remember my failings, but rather my desire to see them walk with the Lord. Just a few days ago as I was standing talking to my Dad, Gracie was playing with a stick nearby. She began hitting the dog with it. He retaliated by taking the stick and running. When she couldn’t catch the dog, she became frustrated and started to scream her protest. I wanted to laugh, for I was thinking, “What a smart dog.” But then I became embarrassed that Gracie was acting this way in front of my Dad. And you know who my Dad is! It has happened to all of us—our “perfect” children choosing the wrong time and place to act up. Last Sunday at church, the children were all called up front to sit on the floor and listen to the children’s story. But when Gracie was directed to join them, she let out a scream in front of the whole church. Her Dad took her behind the scenes and administered a little understanding to her, so she is not likely to make that mistake again. I have said it before, I know I am weak and too soft, and it is sometimes reflected in Gracie’s response to me. Although I spend more time training Gracie than does my husband, she occasionally challenges my authority. But, she is noticeably quick to obey her Dad. Everybody tells me I am not tough enough, a little too passive at times. They also say I am gullible. I can’t help being gullible and soft, but I can refuse to let it control my child training. Rather than put up a defensive wall that says, “Leave me and my children alone, I am doing just fine,” I say, “I need to be tougher, so I will listen to the advice of those whom I respect in the area of child training.” A lot of times, if you will just listen to what your husband or a friend says, you will realize where your deficiencies are and will be able to work on correcting them. Never let pride tell you that you know better; be willing to take their advice. Some times I have to try several different things until I find the one that works best for Gracie, and me. By the time Laila, who has a completely different personality, is as old as Gracie, I’m certain that I will still have to make adjustments and learn new things in training her. The basic principles remain the same for every parent and every child, but the approach will need to differ with each child. For instance, my parents knew that by nature I was more gullible and more vulnerable than my siblings, so they were a lot more protective of me. My family was amazed that I stood up and took command, training Gracie as well as I have. But I am not amazed, because any successes I have come from relying on my husband’s strength and courage. So you ask me, “Do I ever have a day where everything goes wrong and the children will not stop crying?” I sure do. I have found that my children will pick up on my emotional temperament and take the worst of it as their model for the day. All mothers need downtime, a time to relax and unwind. When bad days come, stop disciplining, since it is not working anyway, and just kick back and enjoy that down-time with your children. Read a book; the dishes can wait. Put a puzzle together; give the little ones a bath. This always seems to work for me. Do anything to change the pattern of a bad day in the making. So, when Daddy comes home and asks, “How was your day?” You can honestly reply, “A great together day—a little behind on the chores, but we can catch up tomorrow.” No, you would not call me a perfect mother, and my children are not perfect. But, in answer to your question, “Yes, life with my children is too good to be true.”

Show Me: Gratefulness

Debi Pearl — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 11:25:13 +0000

If so, that was probably the last gift she ever got from you. Many parents constantly endure the face of an ungrateful child. Mother buys her an orange hat, and she pouts up because she bought the wrong color. Mom decides to delight the children by picking up a hamburger for everybody at the drive-through, but they start demanding to go into a restaurant and eat something different. When Mom takes a minute to go out and play with the kids, they complain that Mom is pushing Suzy higher than the rest of them. Their parents love them, but don’t really like the selfish little brats. They are ashamed of their feelings of repulsion toward their own children, but, hey, I don’t like ungrateful little people either. Gratefulness is something kids learn by example: “Show me how you respond, and I will do it just like you.” I’m not real fond of “big” people, either, who are openly ungrateful. Are you? So, purge unthankfulness from your home by starting with yourself. Kids are great emulators.

Tumbling Tots

Michael Pearl — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 12:00:19 +0000

It is easier to see their faults than our own, mainly because we aren't emotionally involved and are free to think objectively. It is good to consider the advice of others whom you trust. The other evening I was visiting a home, enjoying watching the small children romp. They had placed an old mattress on the floor so the kids could tumble on it. The daddy was stretched out on one side of the mattress encouraging the kids to do bigger flips. Every once in a while they would pile up on him. Great fun indeed! Mother sat off to the side laughing at their creative acrobatics. As the kids started to wear down and the hour grew late, he suggested that it was almost bedtime. After making the same observation several more times over the next few minutes, he told them to stop tumbling and prepare for bed. All three kids took another turn. He then spoke more forcefully (but it still sounded like a suggestion to me) commanding them to cease tumbling and prepare for bed. I could see that they regarded him a little more seriously this time, for they were somewhat hesitant when they again did a flip. He was a little agitated, and so with more force and threat in his voice, he again commanded them to cease their antics and prepare for bed. I watched them mill around as a struggle went on in their souls. "Can I get away with one more tumble? How serious is he this time?" The six-year-old boy put his head down on the mattress and slowly flipped over, looking at his daddy to see if any wrath would follow. His half compliance met with a half command and so he got in one more slow, tentative roll before he settled down. It took about five minutes from the first command to complete compliance. For this family it was normal. The kids obeyed without a fight. No one threw a fit. No one got a spanking. Daddy never got mad. For most families it was without incident--no problem, totally normal. The problem in all this, aside from the fact that the children are not learning to instantly obey, is that for five minutes the children were saturated with anxiousness and rebellion, however subtle. They were defying authority and acting out their self-will. That five minutes was not good for their souls. It created insecurity and damaged their relationship with their parents. You can be certain that because of many moments like that, there will be times when these kids will push it further and openly resist authority. Every moment they hesitated, they were dishonoring their parents. I get anxious at moments like that. I recall how we handled similar situations. I would have been shocked if my children had not instantly ceased with the slightest command. It was unthinkable that they should hesitate to obey and take another half tumble. If one of my kids had ignored my command and done another flip, I would have immediately secured a spanking instrument, had the child bend over in the tumbling position, and given him one good lick on the backside. It is because we were always consistent that we didn't have to spank very often and never had to nag. The children didn't have those five-minute periods of defiance. We remained in fellowship, and they grew up emotionally stable. Think about it.

Sweet Kids

Rebekah (Pearl) Anast — Sat, 15 Apr 2006 11:10:14 +0000

How do you make your children get along? Dear Rebekah, I enjoy the articles you write and look forward to my copy of No Greater Joy every other month. I have a question though: how do you make your children get along? My son is 5 years old; my daughters are 3 and 1. They fight and squabble about everything. It’s not really violent or hateful, just irritating. I feel like I have to supervise all the time. We are very consistent with the “rights” issue, but the kids are always looking for something, anything that isn’t specifically assigned to one of them, to fight over. They’re so competitive! Ruby, AZ Dear Ruby, Assuming you do train consistently (which should include plenty of kid-work to keep your toddlers busy) and assuming you have a good (non-competitive) relationship with your husband as an example to your children, I would say the answer lies in your focus. Being kind, loving, and sharing gets more “hero points” in our home than any other achievement. Gabe and I offer our highest praise for loving actions, and bestow titles of elevation upon the child that is “going to be a sweet, beautiful mama someday” or “just like Daddy, taking care of his little sisters like Daddy takes care of mama.” Work and school skills are part of the whole picture, but if the tasks aren’t done with consideration and care for one another, they are just “sounding brass and tinkling symbol.” I Cor. 13:1 I recommend reading Love is Like God in the nogreaterjoy.org article archives. Above all, life is about effecting other people. The people nearest us are WHY we work hard, and WHY we do school. We learn to read in order to read to others and write for others. We work in order to make life better for others. We live, not for ourselves, but for those nearest us. All things done selfishly are vain, empty, and very, very temporary. Competition is not a bad thing. Joseph Courage, my son, (almost 5) is also very competitive. He likes to compare what he’s done with what his little sister has done, and come out on top. Instead of noticing his comparison, I pull out some work or a project he did the day before and compare him with himself, making verbal note of the improvements. Occasionally we let him play with other boys on the local playground and compete against them in wrestling, climbing, running, etc. If he was better or faster than them we point it out later when we’re alone with him, and comment on his muscles and his strength, and then come back around to what really makes him special: how manly and kind and wise he is becoming. Kids are extremely smart in an intuitive way. They know what is most important to you and will take up the same torch. If we as parents are focused on temporal performance, our children’s focus will be the same. If your heart’s desire is to please God, and win souls, your children will follow in your footsteps. Here are some fun, practical ideas to help your kids be sweet: Hero Cards Make laminated “hero points” cards. When a child is kind and helpful to his siblings, assign worth by giving him a “hero” card. When he has a certain number (5 or so) he can take the family out for ice cream - thereby being a great hero. When we eat our ice cream, courtesy of Joe Courage, we thank him repeatedly, and talk about how wonderful it is to have such a treat. He goes home on such a cloud of benevolence and satisfaction, it is quite humorous. Negotiation and Responsible Ownership When Joe Courage leaves a prized personal belonging in public territory (the living room), it is fair game for Hannah Sunshine to pick up and play with. Joe must then politely ask for his toy, and offer something of equal value to his sister (negotiation). Hannah is then required to hand over the prized toy. If it is an old toy and not prized or needed, and Honey has been playing with it for a while, Joe is required to wait until she lays it down and then keep it in his room, or else talk her out of it (teaching him to reason and woo). A personal toy is completely safe if it is kept on personal grounds (in Joe’s bedroom) and all important belongings must be put away in designated locations. (This teaches responsible ownership.) Whining and Bullying If Ryshoni comes in whining that Joe has hurt her (accidentally) then Rysha gets a swat for whining and Joe gets a swat for being careless, or more, depending on the level of carelessness. If Rysha comes in without whining - only Joe gets the swat for carelessness. If Joe intentionally bullies Rysha (hardly ever happens) then he gets a spanking based on the level of bullying. I try to keep an eye on the actual events so I know if Rysh is being over-reactive or not. If there is a fight in which both of them are out of line, then regardless of who started it, both of them are spanked. We’ve taught our kids to go away from the child that is causing conflict, so as not to be caught in a bad situation. This counsel applies to the public playground as well, and I’m always amazed at how smart kids are when the rules make sense. So many fights are avoided by the kids deciding, on their own, to separate for a while. Family Treat If all three of the kids have been loving, kind, and cooperative all day, with a lot of good work accomplished, we have a Family Treat of their choice. Usually it involves building a fire in the backyard and roasting hot dogs while sitting on straw bales and drinking hot cocoa. Sometimes it means making cookies or cupcakes and letting them decorate. Other ideas would be, setting up a tent in the living room or backyard to camp out. Going to the local lake or pool to swim, going on a biking/hiking trip in the nearest forest, or going to a local basketball game to eat popcorn and watch a lot of really big guys jump around. Our kids live for these moments, and I try to make at least one a week possible for them. Conclusion Having sweet kids takes a lot less supervision in the long run. Joseph and Ryshoni head out the back door to play as soon as it is officially “day” and before I’m fully awake. Hannah Sunshine (18 mos.) is not far behind them. I have to call them in for meals, and would never see them if I didn’t make schoolwork fun enough to hold their attention for 20 minute intervals in between the play times. They can’t get enough of playing together. The simple guidelines above make their interaction “safe” for them. So when the day is over and the dirt and sand go down the bathtub drain, two voices call out from their twin beds, “Good night Mom, I love you, don’t let the begbugs bite, see you in the morning, it was a wonderful day, and tomorrow will be wonderful too...” Rebekah Joy Anast

Provide Entertainment

Michael Pearl — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 12:10:02 +0000

Our granddaughter, Gracie, is what many people call “a handful.” Her eyes are alive with investigation, always searching for opportunities to change her environment. She discovered her autonomy early, and now at sixteen months old, she is full of preferences. Yet Shalom her mother, has her firmly in hand. Gracie will stop on a dime, come when called, lay it down, and not touch it, all with enviable consistency. “How do you do it?” I asked Shalom. She told me things I knew, some I had forgotten, but put together in such a way that it was fresh and original, with all the fat trimmed away. I was hearing her ideas, her wisdom. I was WOWED! There is nothing like coming fresh from the battle to have a clear perspective, free from academics. She spoke of commands, and switches, and consistency, but most of all she spoke of participation. Gracie participates in her mother’s life. She is never pushed aside. When Mama is working, Gracie has her little broom or dishrag and is right there doing her share. Gracie is needed, and she knows it, because she is included in the daily operation of life. She is not waiting to join the human race; she is walking the road of social responsibility right now at sixteen months of age! Gracie depends on the fellowship of life for her pleasure, not on the toy box off in another room. She is addicted to the communion of family and friends. She has a will to abide in their light. Like any human being, Gracie is possessed of selfish flesh. She is a potential devil-in-waiting, but her parents will not tolerate a single act of disobedience. When she shows a propensity to break with fellowship and act selfishly, she is rebuked and, if necessary, spanked immediately. She knows that she is not the final authority—that all her decisions are subject to her parents’ will. As she walks with her parents in the fellowship of life, she must follow the rules like everyone else. She expects this. It is the price to pay for walking in the light. You know instantly when this fellowship of life is missing in children. Rather than possessing a will to cooperate, they develop and display a will to defy. We see those children assume the most obstinate position they can find and then dig in against an assault. Children who never find pleasure in participation, seek pleasure in confrontation. It is a way for them to stay at the center of things and feel alive. You cannot spank that child into a state of grace. They view all discipline as confirmation of the state of war that exists between them and everyone else. The child walking in darkness may “obey” some of the time, but only to gain a little respite from the toil of war. Some children use different weapons. Some may express their rebellion in passive ways, while others communicate that they are hurt or misunderstood. To many of them, life is just a pain that makes them feel like crying all the time. Mother pities them, and they walk on in unhappy darkness, needing the fellowship of life but finding only aloneness. Mothers may smother these children in kisses and praise, yet fail to invite them to participate in the fellowship of life. They are living parallel lives in the same house. There is nothing worse on a child’s self esteem than to be treated as one not yet ready to join the human race. When you don’t give children a focus, they focus on themselves—a most unhappy condition. When Gracie is rebuked or spanked for not obeying, she sometimes gets upset—emotionally wrought. At that point her parents find it difficult to communicate with her. She is no doubt thinking how mistreated she is, how deprived. She wanted her way—some forbidden pleasure—and “the big guys” are again constraining her to a behavior she would never choose for herself. There is a danger at this point that the child will succumb to a willful desire to defy. But Shalom handles it with wisdom. When she sees that Gracie is upset for having her will thwarted and is wrestling with the unpleasantness of losing the confrontation, rather than to dwell on the unpleasantness and demand that Gracie get her attitude right, Shalom turns to her and unemotionally commands, “Gracie, take these clothes to the laundry,” or “Gracie, pick up your toys.” Shalom said that Gracie is so well conditioned to participation in the everyday family chores, that she will unthinkingly turn to obey any command. In so doing, she forgets about herself and steps back into the fellowship of life. Her mother’s goal is to restore Gracie to a walk of compliance, and as quickly as possible. Rather than allowing Grace to slump into her disappointment, she is led to step through a less emotional door, back into the path of cooperation and obedience. Any single true act of obedience translates into an obedient child. Spanked as needed, Gracie is never broken; she is moment-to-moment subdued. Like a horse in harness, if the restraints were removed she would immediately run willfully. As long as she feels her parents’ hands on the reins, she knows she is in a subservient role, that there is no alternative. Her little eyes dart about with imagination, seeking opportunity to ride the wind to new delights. Just look into her face, and you instantly know that this little controlled explosion is having more fun right now than you have had in the last ten years. She is confident that her world is as secure as it is fun. She expects to share what you are eating and never fails to offer you a bit of hers. When she gets ready to go outside, she graces me with a gesture that says, “OK, Big Papa, it’s your turn now; I’m ready when you are.” Who can resist? I have just been waiting to go outside and jump on the trampoline with Gracie. Michael Pearl

The Magic Cape

Rebekah (Pearl) Anast — Mon, 15 Aug 2005 11:00:22 +0000

How could I make ladyhood appealing to a toddler who simply thrived on getting muddy, jumping on the trampoline, pretending to be a dinosaur or alligator, and playing with Daddy’s tools? Ryshoni Joy is almost 2 years old now. Thanks to her big brother, Rysha is one tough little girl. One day when Rysha was only 8 months old (and before I could intervene), Joe roared like a lion right in her face. He intended to frighten her, but to his great surprise, his baby sister opened her mouth and roared right back at him. So fierce was her response, Joe fell backward in alarm. I used to wonder how I was going to teach her to be a lady. How could I make ladyhood appealing to a toddler who simply thrived on getting muddy, jumping on the trampoline, pretending to be a dinosaur or alligator, and playing with Daddy’s tools? She is so beautiful and feminine in looks, that is, if you deduct the scratches, bruises, and dirt acquired in a ten-minute excursion outdoors. Then, one day, revelation fell on me quite unexpectedly. I was going through my box of sewing material and dug out a one-yard scrap of blue satin. I tossed it aside to throw away later and heard a gasp of delight. My green-eyed, tomboy tyke was holding it reverently in her dirty, scratched-up hands. She managed to throw it over her head and wrap it around her shoulders like a cape, while murmuring “nice, nice...” under her breath. Her expression and demeanor were completely different for a fleeting moment before she lost her grip on the slippery satin and it slid to the floor. I told her I would “fix it”, and immediately sat down to cut out and sew a floor-length cape with hood and button to fasten it. She stood nearby patiently for half an hour, reverently stroking the shiny satin cloth. At last the royal cape was finished. I wrapped it around my little tomboy and buttoned it closed. Silence fell in the room. A low chuckle emerged from the satin hood, then another and another as Rysha began to twirl and swish and dance. “Wow. Rysha is beautiful!” Joe announced with amazement. It wasn’t the 30-minute cloak that was beautiful. It was our Ryshoni. Her very posture and facial poise had changed as she glided around the house like a little princess. That evening she wanted some of my facial cream and to have her hair brushed. She began to request “pretty dresses” in the morning and laugh with delight when she was “clean and pretty like a lady.” Most days Ryshoni Joy still likes to run around like the second boy of the family. She is still rambunctious and mischievous. When I need my little “girl” to appear, I get out the magic cape. I don’t mind having a tomboy when the days are sunny, for I rejoice in my spirit, knowing that she most assuredly is a lady in waiting. Rebekah Anast