Dear Pearls, My 4-year-old has a big problem when she needs to get spanked. She bucks, screams as loud as she can, turns red, and thrashes around. It is unbelievable how she acts, and it is very tiring. Consequently, she gets fewer spankings. She is usually a good kid except when she is pouty. Seeking wise counsel, Mama

Hi Mike and Debi, I have a question about my 3-year-old. When my husband or I need to speak to her about her bad behavior she seems to become what I would describe as scared/shy/distant. She stands with one shoulder lifted to her chin and her chin pushed down into her shoulder, looking up at us as if we are going to give her the world’s worst rebuking. I sense anger or resentment on her part. We are consistent to restore fellowship with her, and I do not believe she is reacting to us because of fear from our anger, because we address issues in a calm fashion. We have two younger children, and we want to get this problem addressed before it reflects on them. Kim

Dear Pearls,
Please Help. My 3-year-old has developed a fear of bees. One day a few flew close to her head and scared her. She was so scared that night that she would not go near her bed. She seemed to be over it until a few nights ago when she started to cry and scream saying she heard and saw bees in her room. She has done this several nights straight and we made the mistake of letting her sleep on the couch and I sat beside her until she went to sleep. I believe she is really scared but at the same time she is probably working herself up some to get attention. Do we make her stay in bed and cry it out?
Thank you. R.

Mike Responds
It is not a case of either catering to her fears on the one hand or of abandoning her to her fears on the other. First, consider the fact that she did not come by this fear naturally. She has never experienced bee stings. There have never been any bees in her room. The fear first expressed itself when several bees only flew close to her. She does not fear butterflies that fly close; why bees? Somehow on your watch she developed this inordinate fear. I would ask you two questions as a way of getting to the root. Of what have you expressed an inordinate fear? Have you warned her against insects and showed fear yourself? Fears like this are learned from adults. What television movie did she see that had attacking, stinging creatures in it? Children can’t tell the difference between a make-believe drama and the real thing. Fear of one creature can be transferred to fear of another.
Regardless of how she came by her fear, the manner of delivering her from it will be the same. Fear is never overcome by fleeing from the source. It is overcome by facing the fear and standing up to it. When fear is a result of misinformation or ignorance, the answer lies in knowing the truth.
I would not force her to deal with this fear alone. Fears are caused by association and conditioning. Fears are purged by the same means. Expose her to bees in a fashion that will defuse the situation. Get a video or book that shows a colony of bees. Discuss how they make honey and how the queen-bee makes more bees. Sit in the yard with her, close to flowers where bees come to gather pollen, and discuss in wonder and appreciation the beauty of what God has made. Slowly get closer and closer to the bees to desensitize her to them. Discuss with her the fact that bees do not want to sting you unless you are bothering their hive, or if you step on one and hurt it. Then emphasize the fact that if a bee does sting you it is not all that bad. With slow and controlled exposure to bees, she will lose her fear.
Once she is comfortable around bees in the yard, it is time to stop catering to her fears in the house. Place her in the bed and leave her there. If she claims that there are bees in her room, put her in an uncomfortable room to sleep—one that is further from yours. Put her down on a towel on the laundry room floor, or in the kitchen. If the alternative is not pleasant, she will be glad to stay in her room. Do not reward her fears by cuddling her and allowing her to dominate your time and presence. If she is really afraid, the laundry room is a nice, safe place. If she is just working herself up in order to gain attention, then nothing will satisfy her but special treatment.
When you have assured yourself that she has been conditioned out of her fear of bees, you will not be in danger of being controlled by feigned fear.
Michael Pearl

I watched as a mischievous 3-year-old tried to get some attention from the stranger talking to his daddy. He stood between them, throwing his smile up to this new and interesting fellow while lightly kicking his leg. He didn’t have a bad attitude, just bad manners. He wanted to show the stranger his rocks. The boy’s father was obviously irritated by his son’s behavior, but he only gave the boy a stern look that said, “I see what you are doing, and I am not happy.” It had no effect. The child turned his grinning face back toward the stranger and increased his attention-getting kicks. The father became increasingly irritated until he lost his pretense at paying attention to the conversation. He turned his full attention to the boy and said, “Stop it!” But Little Mr. Grin kept grinning and kicking, waving his rocks around. As the boy continued his kicking, the father’s agitation grew until it was obvious he was about to erupt into parental spasms. Above a normal tone, the father said, “Stop it. Go away!” The little fellow stopped grinning and matched his dad’s angry look. Then, with a forced smile, he turned back to lightly kicking the stranger. The father then grabbed the kicker’s arm and sternly said, “Would you just go to your mother?” Angry father and angry son exchanged angry stares for what seemed like a long time. Then while keeping his eyes locked on his father’s, the rebel gently but very determinedly gave the stranger one more tiny kick—symbolic, no doubt. The little bull was challenging the big bull to a battle of the wills. The father was finally forced to deal the last hand. He jerked the boy up and carried him out of the room to give him a spanking. This kind of spanking will never work beyond the moment. The only satisfaction the father will get is the immediate release of his tension.
Why did this happen? What could have been done to avert the moment? What makes a child have this spirit of rebellion or desire to dominate? What would you have done?
The father’s first mistake was that he had never done any effective training—of either himself or the the child. His actions showed that he didn’t even understand training. The father created the escalating situation by his early reluctance to interrupt the social scene with decisive action. He allowed his son to come to rebellion in increments, going from foolishness to stubbornness to self-will to defiance and finally to all-out angry rebellion. The child didn’t start out angry or rebellious. The father created it in the child through his progressive, ineffectual displays of irritation. Early on, what the father thought was self-restraint is what brought both of them to lack of restraint.
So how could the father have turned this into an effective training session rather than a war? At the first indication the boy was out of line, and before either one of them was irritated, Father could have ceased any pretense at conversation and said to his son, “I need to talk to Mr. Jones undisturbed for a minute, so go sit down over there until I call you.” By continuing to stare at his son with unwavering but calm determination, the pressure of the father’s presence would have provoked the son to obey. When the son complied, Father could say, “That is a good boy; we will be finished in just a minute, and then you can show Mr. Jones your rocks,” The boy needed simple, decisive instructions given in a kind but commanding way.
Later, when the guest left the house, the father could have taken his boy by the hand and, walking around the yard, explained how he should act even when he is happy to have a visitor come to the house. It could have been a good time for the father to teach his little soon-to-be man how to exercise restraint, and it would have tied strings.
If you would tell me that early and decisive action on your part would not have moved your son to obedience, you are confessing that you have consistently been inconsistent so as to have trained your son to maintain perpetual rebellion and to resort to war at the slightest provocation. If you will become immediate and consistent, acting before you are angry, acting with calmness and even a smile, you will forestall the child’s road to rebellion.
Over time, many occasions like this will cut the strings of fellowship and cause the child to remain in a perpetually offended mood. Children and parents will come to not like the other and neither can explain why. These same children can go visiting with a relative and be well behaved and very pleasant, but at home the child seems to have this undercurrent of bitterness that pervades everything.
Parents need to see their children as empty vessels that need filling up or as untaught soldiers that need instruction. They should always be asking, “Do you know what that word means?” or “Why do you think that happened?” Parents should take an extra few minutes to include their small children in the adult conversation. When the child shows an interest, or if you think you can provoke an interest, ask him, “Do you understand what he said about the airplane and the engine turbine?” This will cause the child to feel like the parent really likes him, and it stimulates the child to think about what is going on around him. He will develop emotionally and mentally much faster and more completely than a child left to himself. The best parents see every occasion as a time to train. It takes less time, and certainly less emotional strain, to stop that few seconds and offer positive instruction to your children.

Dear Michael and Debi, Our daughter Sue is almost four. She has been a handful right from birth. In the hospital nursery they had to keep her in a separate room because her screaming disrupted the other babies! The hospital nursery workers told my husband that we were going to have our hands full. Sue never wanted to be cuddled until she was sick for the first time at 8 months of age. She wouldn’t even let us take her hand to show her things, even pat-a-cake! Sue was frustrated (and still is) about everything. frustrated that she couldn’t roll, mad that she couldn’t sit, furious that she couldn’t walk or talk. We didn’t help matters by always putting her to sleep by means of walking, rocking, or nursing. Consequently, she never learned patience. We always went to her or picked her up with the first whimper, since we knew it would soon turn into a full blown, purple faced, raging fit. She had a temper. Finally at eleven months of age we began proper and consistent training, and when she turned one she at last began sleeping through the night. When I asked her to put up her toys, she would throw the toys the other way, even after I would make a fun game of it, doing most of it myself. Or sometimes she would pick one item up as slow as a turtle, or place the toy on the edge of the bucket, so more often than not it would fall out, not in. And yes, after a long time of working on the cleanup concept, I’m sure I applied pressure – nothing ever got cleaned up! She’s still the same, picking up items with her feet or mouth, or going on to play with something else when I leave the room. Funny how her sister Ruth was taught the same way, and right from the start she loved putting things in buckets, and is a wonderful cleanupper. Sue is the same if I ask her to put her sandals on and go collect the chicken eggs. She puts her boots on instead. I’ll say, "No Sue, your sandals." So she puts her sandals on backwards. I’ll say, "No Sue, put them on properly," and she’ll put them on and run out, only to take them off when she gets outside. When I realize she hasn’t returned with the eggs, I look out and see her sandals are off her feet and she is playing in the mud. I finally had to take away the privilege of collecting eggs, adding it to my responsibilities. Staying in bed has been an issue since the 2nd week after we put her in a big bed. The novelty wore off and she realized her freedom, even though she understood the rules – no getting out of bed unless she calls and asks. Nap time and bedtime became spanking time. Off the bed she would come 2, 4, 10, 20 or more times! When we couldn’t take her bottom getting another spanking, we began to look for other penalties. If she got off the bed, we put her in the playpen (the crib was then occupied by her baby sister). She hated that, and would throw a fit and a half. She quickly learned how to climb out of the playpen. We finally took down her big bed and let her sleep on the floor. Now that little brother has arrived, Sue and Ruth share a room. Ruth, who never questioned our authority about when it was time to go to bed, and who would be breathing heavily in less than five minutes, now jumps off the bed along with Sue. Sue will also call out many, many times, keeping herself and us up until nearly 10:00 some nights. We make sure all needs are met before lights are out (potty, drink of water, read a Bible story, tucked in, one song while I rub backs, a few more minutes of ‘talk about’ if it’s not too late, and send daddy in one more time). Then the games begin. She wants more water. We say no. She wants a teddy bear or doll. She wants to talk some more. She wants another hug. She wants her back rubbed again. She wants more kisses or hugs. She wants to blow us kisses. The problem is, we have found that if we deny her any of the things she requests, and she goes to sleep on a bad note, like if we spank her for anything, she wakes screaming in the middle of the night, demanding the one thing we denied her before putting her to bed. This literally went on for weeks. Lack of sleep was affecting everyone. We warned her before bed not to wake everyone up in the night or she would be spanked the next morning. That did not faze her. If she goes to sleep on a good note, with no spanking, then there is no problem in the middle of the night. But we can’t give her everything she demands at all hours of the night. Sibling rivalry is another issue. Sue is selfish to the extreme, and very mean to her sister. She ‘bugs’ her sister all the time, which warrants a spanking, and she usually takes advantage of the times I am nursing her brother. (He was on oxygen and monitors for a long while and so was used to nursing in a quiet room – now if I try it in any other location, he refuses. He also has to be upright after feeding so I can’t just lay him down and go chastise her during his feeding.) She knows she will be punished, but enjoys the moment to it’s fullest. Her behavior during spanking is difficult as well. I will ask her if she knows why she’s going to get a spanking, and she will say, "for being mean to Ruth." Then when I spank her she will flail, arch, and start SCREAMING, "huggie, huggie, huggie," over and over. I’ve told her before that when she’s ready to hug to stand up and come get one, so I now consider this screaming a form of talking back and I spank her again and again and again. We go through this every time. It is a very tiring day. Now, this whole letter has begun to sound as if we have WWIII going on in our home constantly. Admittedly, my husband often comments that Sue may be only a skinny little 30 pounds, but when she wakes in the morning in a foul mood, the whole family is completely affected the rest of the day. She can be a real sweetie, saying "Mama, you’re the best!" Or in the middle of brushing her teeth she’ll stop and give me a hug, or she’ll put a whole bunch of toys together into a bag and give me her "present." She is so easily distracted, and most times her behavior is not necessarily out and out disobedience. Yes, there is a standard that she has to meet, but spankings don’t seem to change her behavior. She even has missed out on numerous family outings. If she throws a fit, we do not allow her to go with us, but take her to my mother to keep. When we return, she acts indifferent and boasts of what a swell time SHE had. This letter has become quite lengthy. I have been "Rambling" a bit myself. Sue has so much energy, a short attention span, a wicked temper, and a very strong will, and it all manifests itself in a disregard for rules. We thought that by age four we wouldn’t need to spank nearly so often. But instead of decreasing, the instances have increased! Can you offer any suggestions?

Mother, why are you cleaning up this room; isn’t this your little girl’s room? “Yes, but she’s only three, not big enough to clean up yet.” "Oh! And who took the toys out of the box and scattered them on the floor?"
“She did.”
So her ability to transport toys works in only one direction?
Mother, you look so tired. Why are you fretting so over the laundry, the dishes, the house cleaning, etc., when you have three children in there fighting over toys?
“Oh, I will tend to them when I get the time.”
No, I mean, why don’t you put them to doing some of these chores? Perhaps then they wouldn’t be so bored, fussing and fighting all the time.
“Well, the oldest one is only seven, and it is more trouble trying to get them to work than it is to do it myself.”
When they are two and three years old, it is more trouble to involve them than it is to do it yourself, but if you wait until they are actually big enough to be of real assistance, by then they will have developed routines and habits that do not include working. If you serve the children until they are three or four—maybe even six or eight—and then try to get them involved, they feel that you are making uncalled-for demands. If, on the other hand, you had involved them in helping themselves and others from the time they were walking, chores would be natural to them. There would be no hassle, no unlearning process, no abrupt change in policy.
Some parents have misconceptions as to children’s abilities. Others feel guilty for demanding their children assume responsibility. By the time most parents decide their children are old enough to assist in the work load, they have already instilled in them the assurance that Mother is their servant and they are the deserving recipients. When Mother tries to reverse the “Mama is servant” trend, the kids will raise such a fuss about helping, that Mother retreats, finding it more comfortable to be a complaining servant than to trouble herself teaching them. To fail to teach the young ones responsibility simply because you detest conflict is to surrender to timidity as a vice.
Certainly, we do not want to demand more of our children than they are capable of giving, for that could be very discouraging to them. But to demand less than their capabilities is to permit a dispensation of irresponsibility and unnecessary dependence, which breeds weakness. Those who expect servitude are always unthankful. Those who receive servitude will come to demand it when it is withheld or delayed. Don’t wait until you feel ridiculous serving big kids before you decide to place responsibility upon them. By then they will possess the mentality of “the rich and the famous.”
Have you ever felt that your children failed to appreciate the things you do for them, that they took you for granted? It is your fault, not theirs. You have babied them, made them weak with your giving. You gave them everything but what they needed most: independence, self-sufficiency, skills, discipline, thankfulness, and the ability to serve others. Your generosity has made them into the despised upper-class. If you serve children until you are confident they are fully capable of serving themselves, you have cultivated slothfulness in them. When you become critical of the way they fail to do their chores, it is a sure statement that you have waited too long to involve them. Why are you angry at them? You bent the tree, so it grew in the direction you pointed it.
Parents keep serving the little ones, putting off the day of placing demands on them. What is it that usually triggers in parents a decision to demand more of their children? Selfish frustration. Frustration born of criticism. An unavoidable sense that the children are domestic parasites. Why do parents wait until their children’s slothfulness is pervasive? Most parents are ruled by their own feelings. They don’t have a preconceived plan for training their kids; they just wait until pressured and then REACT. When they grow tired of serving the children, or become irritated at their ineptitude, they are then provoked to demand participation. The motivation to demand responsible participation from their children did not come about as the result of a conscious decision to train the children for their own welfare, but as a result of the parents’ involuntary irritation.
You can know that you have waited too long to turn over responsibility when doing so causes the children to rebel and feel mistreated. At this point of frustration, the children are resisting the new, invasive order. A confrontational spirit then arises between parents and children. The anxiousness and criticism of parents prevents them from being trainers. They are antagonists. At this late date in the child’s life (five or six years old), parents are trying to fix something that is broken, rather than mold something that is growing.
If you unexpectedly gave your neighbor $1,000.00, he would be embarrassed to take it. After your urging, explaining that you are just making more than you need and thought that it would be a blessing, he would finally receive it with a profusion of thanks. When you again gave $1,000.00 the following week, he would receive it with less reluctance. After one year of receiving his weekly gift, he would receive it with a quick nod and a formal thanks. Then when you suddenly stop giving money to him, but instead give it to the man across the street, your original recipient would have his feelings hurt. He might even be angry. He would want an explanation. You see, after a year he would have adjusted his lifestyle to your gifts. He may be so dependent on your gift that he would be financially damaged when you stop giving. He has become your expectant dependent. Your gifts have weakened him.
Parents weaken their children by doing everything for them, by serving them, treating them as if they were handicapped. But then even handicapped children are not always treated so. I recently read an article in a little periodical called Nathan News. It is a monthly publication dedicated to parents with special needs children. By permission, we reprint a condensed version of an article written by Tom and Sherry Bushnell, parents of 9 children, (3 adopted, 5 birth, and one about to be birthed). Three of their children have various physical and mental disorders. I believe they are greater experts in the field of dealing with handicapped children than any expert with initials after his name. We submit to you their years of experience and their success. If a parent can raise a happy, obedient, hard working, emotionally well adjusted, Down syndrome teenage son, then we parents with average children have no excuse.
TRAINING UP DISABLED CHILDREN
Written by Tom and Sherry Bushnell
Along with the knowledge of how to please God, we must teach ourselves and our children to be self-controlled. Here are some positive ways self-control will benefit our special needs children.
*Learning to obey quickly, regardless of whether they understand totally “why,” will assure them more safety.
* Not pouting or whining when asked to do something adds to their capabilities. Practicing self-control helps our children avoid the habits of laziness, self-centeredness, and stubbornness.
* If we are diligent to teach our children self-control while they are young, when they are teens they will reap the positive benefit of being morally pure. Looking lustfully at the opposite gender, masturbation, or feeling sorry for one’s self can be real difficulties with older special needs children.
Sometimes the things we ask our children to learn are very hard, physically or mentally. When our children are disabled, it takes much more effort not only to do tasks, but to have a good attitude while trying. Do you know that a child’s habit of giving up when frustrated may be encouraged by us parents?
To pity our children because we feel guilty or sorry for them is a mistake. It may be almost as painful for us to watch our children fail again and again as it is for them to keep trying. For instance, our daughter with cerebral palsy and autism, age 5, has the use of one hand; that’s it. Her feet stick straight out and her left arm is tucked into her chest. A while ago, she was really getting frustrated because she was the last one to be helped to get dressed. Every morning she would come down the stairs fuming, ready for a fight. Tired of her pouting, we decided that she needed to learn to get dressed herself. She was horrified. She spent the first 2 weeks getting to the breakfast table with only one arm in the same leg hole in her sweat pants.
Except for verbal encouragement and the initial lessons, we did not help her or allow her brothers or sisters to help her. After breakfast, she spent the rest of the morning on the living room carpet, finishing dressing. We consistently disciplined her for anger and pouting, and strongly encouraged her to try harder, not allowing her to give up.
In reality, it was a lot of work for all of us. She knows just how to look totally helpless. She puts on her “I’m so sad” expression, aimlessly making half-hearted attempts at finding the right arm hole. From past observation, we knew she was simply waiting to see if there wasn’t someone who would rescue her.
It was hard for her siblings to watch her try and not accomplish much. They pitied her. One of her brothers felt so sorry for her that when he knew we weren’t looking he put her arm in the right hole. She was very grateful, but it didn’t help her the next day when he wasn’t around and she still had to find a way to accomplish the task herself. After 4 weeks, she was able to get dressed in about 4 minutes. Boy, is she excited! So are we.
Teaching our special needs children to hang in there and keep trying whole-heartedly will make them useful servants for Our Lord. Children that force others to wait on them are more disabled for their vice.
It is a crippled heart that will render them morally and even physically unfruitful for the Lord, not a delayed mind, missing eyesight or hearing, short attention span, or poor memory.
Doing more for our children than we should creates tyrants. It takes a lot of work to teach our children self-help skills, but if they are at all bodily able (even if it takes them a long time) they should. As adults, our special needs children will not be a social menace by constantly manipulating and imposing on others if we teach them perseverance and self-control now.
We will now answer the title of this article: So, Who’s Disabled? Parents, of course. Through their own weaknesses they have established lazy habits that their selfish kids will not allow them to break. You may say, “So, I know I messed up when they were young; is my fourteen-year-old too old to train into taking responsibility?” The question is: “Are they too old for you to have the courage to stand firm in demanding they be responsible?” It is the parents that need training.
The military inducts eighteen-year-old men, most with slothful habits. Can you imagine being responsible for fifty teenagers? No doubt, most of them walked out of a messy room when they left home. Mama will miss them but not the extra work they caused her. But in just a few days, one man has turned all fifty boys into very disciplined, neat, punctual, respectful men. How did he do it? Fear. He is bigger, tougher, and means every word he says. He is even serious when he lowers his eyebrows. He doesn’t speak twice—may not speak once. You’d better guess what he expects, and make sure it is done in record time.
Now, Mother, you may not be tough enough to bring discipline into the life of your eighteen-year-old, but if you would take a double dose of a supplement known as backbone iron, you could. What about your ten-year-old? You can still strike fear in his heart, can’t you? He doesn’t have to be afraid of you beating him, just know you are standing firm on your word when you proclaim denials, added labor, etc.
Let’s hear it one more time: “I work my hands to the bone and no one even cares. They lie around and let me do all the work.” You did a good job of training them. It is the fault of your own cowardliness. When they were three or four, you took the easy road when it was not so humiliating serving them, and now you have a habit that you can’t break. You depend on them to depend on you. They do their part, which is to consume without giving and without being thankful. And you do your part, which is to complain, gripe and serve.
Have you got the guts to go on strike? To quit? Mother, stand up and proclaim, “Do it yourself or it won’t get done. It won’t get cooked, washed, picked up, cleaned, purchased. You won’t go, eat, sleep here, or have a moment’s peace until it is done right and on time. I will say no more. It’s your move, kid.”
Then smile and walk off with confidence, knowing you have gone as far as you are going to go. There is a new order, now and forever, come what may. Then the most important last step is absolute consistency on your part.
It’s your move parent. If you are tough, your home will become a more cheerful place.
We would like to give special thanks to Nathhan News, 5393 Alpine Rd. S.E., Olalla, WA 98359 and for allowing us to edit and reprint portions of this article found in their wonderful publication. If you are looking for good reading, order this periodical.

Matt. 20:1-15 1 For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard. 2 And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard. 3 And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, 4 And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way. 5 Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise. 6 And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle? 7 They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive. 8 So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first. 9 And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. 10 But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. 11 And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house, 12 Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day. 13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? 14 Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee. 15 Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?”