Dear Pearls, My children are obedient, intelligent, and hard-working. But somewhere I’ve failed and it’s becoming obvious. My children hate each other. There is never a kind word spoken between them, they hate to work together, fight with an intense dislike, and seem consumed with looking out for themselves alone. My son dominates to the point of being a bully and tyrant, and my daughter uses rejection and solitude. My one-time easy going, happy baby is following in their footsteps. We have clear boundaries of ownership and rights, but the children NEVER play together or share. They don’t even speak to each other. Why? I am always cheerful. I train. My life is centered around meeting their emotional and physical needs, training them to obey, etc... I honor and obey my husband, just as the Bible teaches. My husband works away from home, but he’s a good man, and treats the children well. I can tell he doesn’t really like them, and I don’t blame him - what’s to like? What have I done wrong? How can I make my family love each other? — Elizabeth

LOVE. Love is like God.

“My 18 year old daughter calls her younger siblings brats. My son hardly acknowledges he has a sister. Among the younger children there is a lot of anger and they avoid being with each other.

“The only child any of the siblings like is the baby, and I wonder how long that will last. I teach them, pray with them, and remind them how important it is to love their own family. Somehow what started as the children not getting along are now older children that simply do not like each other. We have a rotten family life. What can I do? What did I do wrong? Help me.”
—Kay

Answer

Just like adults, kids find it very difficult to like someone for whom they have no respect. You can’t shame them into liking each other, and you can’t preach them into it either. Duty, like the duty to love your own family, grows mighty thin when you are part of a family where each one is selfish and spoiled. The only thing you can do is to make sure you raise likeable kids that provoke respect and honor from others.

It takes a very mature adult, willing to “die to himself” and be a martyr, to demonstrate even a neutral attitude toward those that are repulsively unlikable. Mature adults can steel themselves for the emotional suffering and sacrifice it takes to go out into this sick world. For a little while each day you can leave the sanctuary of a secure home to go into the den of the world and express love toward the decidedly unlovely. But you come home tired and ready to relax around family members whose company you enjoy. But if the family members are more like the selfish, dog eat dog world, then where does one go to let down his guard, to talk and find sympathy, to relax?

You are fighting a losing battle seeking to establish one virtue (the virtue of tolerance) among a tightly pressed group of selfish, unhappy individuals. You said all the kids liked the baby. Of course they do. The baby has not yet matured to the point of being able to compete with them, to be moody and selfish. When the baby gets old enough to exert his own selfishness they will turn on him as well.

To live in a social order there must be boundaries observed by all and enforced by all. If your older children do not like their younger sister there is good reason. Honestly ask yourself—this may be hard to do—“Do I like the little girl?” Yes, you love her. You are her mother. You tolerate more than do the older children, but do you like that little one that the other kids find so hard to tolerate? What is it that they so dislike? There are people that you do not like and you avoid them. Why? Would you—could you like them if you were placed in daily contact and they continued to manifest the same undesirable traits? Would it help if your pastor told you to like them? What if it was you duty to like them, would that make it easier? What would it take for you to like those individuals? You answer, “A few changes in the way they…” You share the same viewpoint as your children.

I will give you a solution that will work, considering all is well in other areas. Sit your older kids down and ask them what it is about the younger one that they do not like. Do not do this with a critical or defensive spirit or they will not be honest. Come to them with a learner’s heart. Ask this simple question, “Children, if you could change five things about your little sister, what would they be?” The things they tell you will be things that need changing. Don’t argue with them. Ask them to help you bring about the changes in the little one. Discuss all the ramifications and arrive at a consensus as to how to go about this. The hardest part for you will be something I know you have not done before; you will have to allow the older children full authority to discipline and instruct the younger children. Have them read our book first. Discuss it with them often. Get progress reports. Stand behind their decisions, unless through discussion (not in the presence of the young child) you come to a modified consensus.

One warning: When the kids tell you what they would like to change in their younger sister, it will reflect upon you. Their reluctance to enter into dialogue on this issue will stem from the fact that to criticize the child is to criticize the way you have handled situations. They resent her like the neighborhood kids resent the son of a policeman that can get away with murder while they are accosted by the law for the least infraction. So, if you are brave enough, and humble enough, and you want a satisfactory conclusion to this matter, then ask the kids to tell you what you need to change in your methods in order to change the child. The kids are more objective than you; if you can get them to be honest it will be quite a revelation. If you doubt the answers you receive and you need further assurances, invite a third party (not someone like yourself, someone who has always supported you), but someone with great kids and a good home life. Let that person arbitrate in your discussion with your older children.

You will find that when the older kids are not constrained to be victimized by the selfish little sister, when they can take charge and effect a change, they will suddenly “grow up” in their responses. Your children need to be educated in child training just as you, so provide the material and atmosphere for them to grow with you and learn as you do.

- Michael Pearl

Since we are always on the lookout for good examples, we have accumulated a good mental and sometimes written history of all the families with whom we associate. It has been interesting to see the different family patterns. Some do what they have always done, be it good or bad. Then there are those that have continued to do the wrong thing and have gone down hill; although, most of those around us here at Cane Creek, with or without our advice, have displayed significant improvement in the training and discipline of their children. The family that once provided our best examples of whining kids has actually made the most remarkable improvements. It is their absolute teachableness that made the difference. Their kids are not perfect, but today their family is a model of good parenting and quality family life.

Just last night three of the children (9, 6, & 2) were visiting in our home. We had a delightfully rambunctious good time. I even got my beard stroked by the little 2-year-old girl. As we were loading everyone into the van for the trip home, the 2-year-old, trying to move from the middle seat to the back seat, had trouble getting around the end of the bench next to the door. The cold, still night suddenly vibrated with the piercing wail that only a 2-year-old can muster. It was a cry of, “Help me get around this seat!” Immediately, but calmly the nine-year-old boy said, “No, Amy, as long as you are whining and crying I will not help you. If you are going to cry, you will just have to manage by yourself.” The little 6-year-old girl was voicing a similar exhortation, assuring the child that she was out of order with her whining demands. Amy, seeing the futility of her display, without any assistance and without further complaint, negotiated herself around into a sitting position. The older brother encouragingly said, “That’s a good girl, Amy; see, you can do it yourself; now next time don’t cry and I will help you.”

Sitting in the driver’s seat observing this lesson in discipline was quite gratifying. It gives dual meaning to the term child-training—not just children being trained, but children training children. The beautiful thing about children training children is that the kid trainer is reinforcing his own commitment to order and discipline as he enforces the rule of law upon his younger siblings. The ramifications are astounding. It is the difference between pounding wheat into flour with a wooden mallet and grinding it in a water powered gristmill. Children training each other when you are not present is like the wonder of perpetual motion.

And, talking about sibling harmony, when a 6-year-old is given responsibility to train her 2-year-old sister, she will respond exactly like her parents. I said EXACTLY like her parents. Children learn by emulation. They will mimic your patience, firmness, concern, and repeat the very words in the exact same tone as you have used when disciplining and training them.

One of the marvelous wonders of this is that as they come into the chain of command the children come to appreciate your role as guide and instructor and they more readily accept authority over them. They learn to assume the subordinate role just as they expect the same from those under them. The children all become a part of the cure rather than a part of the problem.

When you have a large family with only one overseer—Mother—every additional kid is an increase in the chaos and turmoil, but where there is a chain of command, having thirteen children is as orderly as a buggy full of Amish on their way to church.

- Michael Pearl

A mother asks,

“How can I teach my children to share? How can I teach them to play together without fighting over the toys? They are constantly coming to me whining that someone has taken something away from them. I try to teach them they should share and be kind, but they seem to like fighting better. I get so frustrated I don’t know what to do. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I just want to get away from them. I can’t stand all the bickering.”

Another mother says:

“I have two boys, one eight and one ten. My daughters are five and two. The boys are always teasing their sisters. Anytime the girls go in the boys’ room or play with anything that belongs to the boys, the boys become very selfish. They will not let their sisters play with them and are constantly running off and making them cry. I know that there is an age difference and that the boys and girls have different interests, but how can I teach the boys to give up their rights? They are not gentlemen and sometimes just mean to their sisters. Is this a stage they will grow out of or should I start spanking them more?”

In Answer

I can see a frustrated, harrowed mother as she takes a deep breath and tells herself not to get angry. The children are closing in from every side screaming, “Mother, make him play with me; Mother, he took my teddy bear away; She’s sitting in my chair; I had it first; It’s mine, give it to me.” So she sighs and once more adorns her arbitrators gown, taking the stand to hear the pros and cons from the accusing and excusing parties. She is never quite sure she has judged fairly, and most of the children are sure she hasn’t. An appropriate family Bible verse becomes: “There is no peace saith my God to the wicked.” She is privately convinced she has the most unchristian four and six-year-olds in the Western world.

When our children begin to demand their own way and practice the “me first” philosophy, we know it is a root of sin manifesting itself. So we referee apart the clinched competitors and demand they give over their rights. We futilely sing the give-over song to the beat of their exchanged blows. And all our sincere warnings against selfishness are punctuated by screams and protests of unfairness.

Your equality-philosophy and sharing-principles haven’t worked for the same reason that Stalinism and Leninism haven’t worked. You are a Socialists dictator trying to create equality and brotherly love by the power of the court, at the point of a switch. Our own U. S. Constitution states that “all men are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights.” Webster’s defines unalienable as “not able to convey, sell, or make over (any property) to another.” It is a “self evident truth” each human being is endowed with rights that can not be surrendered to the jurisdiction of another. Your Parental intrusion into these unalienable rights is as unwelcome as the King’s intrusion into the liberties of the Colonies. Just as in a socialists state, your children will learn to use your intrusion as a tool to get their share of the pie. You have created a welfare state, taking from the haves to give to the have-nots.

Parent, how would you feel about your neighbors or even your relatives if the government forced you to give over rights to your bed or your lawn mower? Suppose that on your day off from work you came home to find your well maintained lawnmower already in use by your careless neighbor? You say to him, “Hey, I would like to use my lawn mower if you don’t mind.” He sticks his tongue out and jeers, “Nan Ne Nan Nah Nann Nann, I got it firrrrrrst.” So do you say, “Well, I am suppose to give up my rights, and it is a law — share and share alike.” Is this how you build good relationships with your neighbors?

A parent must recognize the child’s right to private property. The child must be allowed to possess his own property as he sees fit. If his right to be selfish is not recognized, then he does not have any rights. Again, a child can not give up rights he doesn’t have. If there is a limit placed on his free use of those rights then as long as he is operating under threat of loss of property, he actually never owns the property. He then must give over the property for fear of losing it. The property is not his, and when he gives it over he has given nothing, nor has he exercised benevolence. In selfishness he gives-over for the purpose of, in some measure, retaining usage of the thing that judicially is not his.

We should seek opportunity to teach the principles of giving and sharing, but not so as to coerce them into giving against their wills. It is our desire to see our children have a benevolent heart. Forcing them to give will only rob them of the opportunity to freely give. They can only discover the blessedness of giving when it comes from their own heart.

A child whines, “Make him play with me.” When you force unwelcome associations upon your children, they do not learn to love each other. On the contrary, their despising only increases. How would you feel if you were forced to attend social engagements or spend the evening with someone not of your choosing? Would it endear the person to you if they had gone to the authorities whining of your indifference to them? When the authorities said, “Now you be sweet and let your neighbor sit in your house and gloat over their power to forcibly dominate your time, and remember you should give up your rights,” how would you feel toward you neighbor? And how would you feel about what you were doing? Would you have a good feeling that you had made sacrifices for your neighbor’s sake? No. You would be angry at everyone, and especially at the unjust authority.

There is an easy solution. Parent, put a stop to the bickering by allowing free associations. You can and should teach your children to be sensitive to the needs of others. But, as your children sense, you have no right to legislate or intimidate them into unwelcome associations. To do so will prevent them from ever having a heart change toward the other. If I see my neighbor, whom I may not particularly like, lonely or in need, I may choose to give up my rights and sacrifice my time to meet their need. In so doing, I am drawn closer to him, not made resentful.

You may ask, “But what if when they are given their liberty, they chose to never associate with the other?” I do not think that is likely, for much of the bitterness and rejection is probably from the unjust intrusion of the one who is rejected. But if you are truly recognizing the child’s right to free association then you must be prepared to allow the self imposed segregation. If it were possible for one child to dislike another so much as to never desire association then it would be better for the rejected child to not have forced association with such a one.

Also remember that the whining child, who has learned to manipulate parents into forcing the other children to do his biding, is of all children most despised and rejected by the others. Furthermore parents who reward the whining by giving them their way cultivate in the child a selfish personality that even the parents come to despise. If you are angry and bitter toward you child, consider the probability that you are disappointed in your own creation.

The squabbling over property is even easier to deal with. Parent you need to bring your children together and open a “land and title company.” Cause your children to register each possession. Every toy, chair, bed, bedroom (or corner of a shared bedroom) should be designated as the sole property of one child only. If they have common property, divide the toys into two piles and let them draw straws for their pile. Oversee a period of trading (when they exchange toys on whatever bases they may agree upon) and then seal it with a “homestead act” that assures future “government (parental)” protection of those rights.

Small children should be trained not to touch the private property of older children. And older children should be given liberty to police their own property. When an older child is free to maintain control of his own life and property around the younger brother or sister, they are more comfortable with the little ones. They are then free to relate to their fellow siblings more as a guardian and guide rather than as a competitor or victim.

No one has ever settled on my land or tried to manage my personal property because there is no question but that the government guarantees my rights to private property. It doesn’t matter who got there first or who was playing with my lawnmower first; if I can prove it is mine, there is no contest. There will be less resentment and feelings of unfairness. Your children will like each other better, if they are not forced into a communal living.

If you will function as a government should (to protect rights, not redistribute them) then your children can relax their vigilance to grab and tightly possess. It will end the mad competition to get there first and hold on the tightest. It will be the end of argument. What is there to discuss? All property goes to the owner upon request, regardless of the circumstances. When Johnny whines, “He took my truck,” instead of trying to reconstruct the squabble, you can simply say, “It is his truck. Give it to him.”

Furthermore, where you have seldom seen your children give-up anything, under the private ownership policy, you will see individual acts of sharing begin to take place. When your children discover the good feeling of giving and the mutual benefit of sharing, they will begin to practice it at least as much as you do. By making this switch in your tactics, by giving up the socialists power play, you will come to rely more on teaching and example. It should increase your awareness of your duty to exemplify in word and deed the Christian graces you seek to instill.

Not until their heart is renewed by the Holy Spirit will they ever truly give out of pure love. If you allow them the free choice and God endowed liberties that are theirs, they will then, and only then, be free to develop morally in this area. Make a commitment to trust to your teaching and example, not to the legislation of “Big Brother.” The curtain came down in Russia. It might as well come down in your home.