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Abusive Husband

August 15, 1999

I want you to read what I must read all too often.

"Hi, I've been reading your material for years and respect your insight on child rearing. It has helped me immensely! I have a friend that is married to a verbally abusive husband. Most of your material is geared to married Christians. This friend of mine is saved, but her husband is not. They have a seven-year-old daughter that is a confused, emotional wreck already. Her husband has had multiple affairs with other women. He uses their daughter to manipulate situations and hurt her mother. Whatever training the mother does with her daughter, the father tells the daughter not to listen to a word that she says. The little girl is told by the father that the mother is hitting her when she spanks her. It is a horrible situation. The father does not provide them with any food, a vehicle, payment for doctor visits, and so on. The mother has filed for divorce, not knowing if this is the right thing to do or not, but not knowing what else to do, she did. It has been 5 months now, and her husband has not been served. She has called her Christian lawyer many times about this. She now believes that this must be the Lord's will that she stay in this situation. Meanwhile, her daughter is growing more and more difficult at home and in school, with every passing day. The situation is so much worse than I could even begin to describe to you in this short letter. I know she would appreciate any insight that you would have to offer. She is very concerned for her daughter and wants only to do what the Lord would have her to do. Thanks for your help. Love in Christ, Her Friend."

Debi Pearl answers:

The Scripture makes it very clear how God feels about divorce, He hates it. It is an Old Testament passage, but God has not changed his mind. He still hates divorce. It is not His will, it wasn't so from the beginning, and it is not so today. There have been occasions, both in Scripture and in our ministry, where a man was so vile that God has killed him. A woman can come to God asking Him to deliver her from a man if he will not repent, but a woman should be sure she has obeyed God in her relationship to her husband, before she asks such a thing.

God has given us several promises concerning marriage to unbelievers. I Peter 3:1-6 tells us how to win our unbelieving husband, and in 1Cor. 7:14 God promises that our children will be holy if we stay with our unbelieving spouse and honor God in our relationship with him. That is a promise from God. These Scriptures give us the "how to" on our end and the expected results. I have seen God keep His word. I have also seen many who would expect God to keep His word when they did not obey their end of the "how to."

I am not taking her situation lightly. I know that although I am married to a righteous man, I have often wanted to demand my rights and set him straight. How much more difficult it must be for a young woman being subjected to the unreasonable demands of a lost, selfish man? But God is able, not only to save your man, but also to take you to a place of sweet loving kindness in the midst of turmoil. God is also able to save your children. There is no promise in Scripture to spare your children if you leave your lost husband. I could give you a list of hundreds of godly Christians that chose to leave their unbelieving spouses and then married a believing spouse, had decent marriages, but lost their children to the world and bitterness. I have sat and listened to many say, "We sinned; our children suffered, and we lost them to the world. They hate us. My divorce was wrong. Oh if only…" God didn't destroy that family. He didn't cause those many lives to be lost. It was the principle of what you sow you will reap. God hates divorce because divorce is destructive. Its temporary relief deceives people into thinking they have somehow escaped the long-term, tragic reaping that comes with divorce, the reaping that sometimes reaches its ugly arm into the 3rd or 4th generation. It affects an ever widening circle of people. Others look on, especially the young married couples, and see your divorce as a quick fix, and follow your lead. When things get rough in their marriage, your situation has helped mold them to go the same road. And so the circle of destruction is passed on to countless more. Seeds of sin just keep on replanting themselves, and bitter hurt seems to go on forever. God hates divorce because it hurts so many. God made a way to win your husband and change your marriage.

I Peter 3:1-4 says, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands: that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."

God tells us here, if your husband is not obeying the word of God, then you can win him without trying to teach him the Word of God. God says that as a husband looks on and sees the way his wife responds to him, he will be won. He will hear and see her cheerful countenance. He will notice her willingness to help and forgive. He will see her giving up her rights and not taking offense when he knows he has wronged her. He will see she honors him, obeys him, treats him with respect, and serves him with a non-rebellious, non-resistant attitude. He will see her spirit is not raging outwardly in emotional fits or inwardly in silent brooding of hurt, but her spirit is quiet, restful, and peaceful. He will see she doesn't puff up and talk incessantly in criticism of him—or others. He trusts her. He knows she is not going to discuss him with her pastor or friend. He sees she is wise with what little money he gives her. She is a remarkable woman, not because she is classy in the way she dresses or looks, but in the way she controls her spirit. She rejoices for an opportunity to bless him, and he knows her heart is good. He tries her; he deliberately tempts her into hurt or anger; he judges her unfairly; he demands things of her that he knows embarrasses her, yet she is in subjection to him in all things. And in the end, she wins him by her chaste conversation. It is a promise from God to you. And God goes on to promise more to this obedient, believing lady.

"And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy (I Cor. 7:13)." When children have a believing parent that is walking in honor to God and her spouse, it will causes the child to honor that believing parent. The child will find refuge, companionship, joy, and respect in that parent. It is a natural law. If your child is failing, then you need to look at yourself and say, "Am I continuing in faith and sobriety? Am I walking in peace and joy? Am I willing to forgive and forget? Am I feeling sorry for myself and playing the sad face, or am I rejoicing and believing God? Is the expression on my face and the words coming from my mouth a reflection of the joy of the Lord?"

It is an impossible task, yet with God all things are possible. God is able, and with him you can do the impossible. You can wake up in the morning with a song in your heart, kissing your child and laughing at the sunlight sprinkling your room. You can serve, give, forgive, and enjoy the victory you have in Jesus. And when you feel that hurt, angry spirit rise up, you can open your mouth in praise and thanksgiving to God that you are free from sin and bondage, and free to be glad. In that kind of atmosphere, a child grows stable and complete, a selfish man stops fighting and trying to defeat and subdue.

Dear Mama, whether your husband is lost or saved, God has given you the opportunity to set the atmosphere in your home that will bring joy, peace, thanksgiving, and love. He has given you the tools to become the most loved woman and mother on all the earth. He has given you the plan to right a thousand wrongs and prove to the world that with God all things are possible. He has provided you with the way to show the devil that God can take the weakest, silliest wreck of a woman; a woman that has given-over to become broken, both physically and emotionally, and turn her into a strong, confident, God fearing, honoring, joyful, yes, even thankful woman. One day you will wake up, turn your head to smile good morning to your husband, and see the tears of thanksgiving glistening in his eyes as he tells you one more time how much he loves you and how proud he is to have you as his wife. Then someday as the years pass you will hear your teenage sons and daughters speak of how wonderful their mama is, and you will think that life could never be any sweeter. This is what God loves, because it brings so much happiness, so much joy, so much peace. And the blessings will continue to flow out, not only to you but to your children and your children's children, and then to those around you who see God's blessings and hunger to know the truth. It was not the easy road; God's way never is. This happened because day by day, minute by minute, you chose to believe God's Word and honor him even though your flesh wanted to scream in anger and defeat. And in that moment of weakness, when you bowed beneath the load, God reached down and gently reminded you to keep on because some day your children will "arise and call you blessed; your husband also, and he praiseth you. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all."

Women have a tendency to want the answer to their prayers NOW. That is one reason why divorce is so prevalent. But haste is not God's way. In truth, it is not the best way. In the end, when the blessings begin to flow, it will seem like such a short time, because the blessings never end. Every blessing-seed plants another. Divorce is the world's way out. But God is able, and with Him, so are you. God loves to bless you; he loves to heal you; he loves to hear that your children walk in truth.

You say your husband is just "too vile," that it would "take a miracle" or him "dying and being born all over again." Yes, now you are beginning to understand. God has a miraculous plan to make it possible. You are part of that plan. Every day, minute by minute, as you respond to the living God in obedience and thanksgiving, you make that plan unfold. "That, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives." He has given you the power to overcome the reactions (lust) of the flesh and to see that plan become a reality in your life. Will you?

As surely as this article goes out to the many thousands, a score of angry women will write me a letter containing personal examples, proving this could not work with their daughter's husband, or with their friend's husband. They will tell me the vile, ugly things the husbands do and of the broken sweet lady in distress, and I will agree. But I would remind you that in the verse that records the sowing and reaping we are warned not to be deceived. It is easy to be deceived by our feelings and what we see. When a person is deceived, they are convinced they are doing right. It seems right, it feels right, everyone says there is nothing else to do. Eve felt that way once. We, as with Eve, think that the will of God stands in the way of our freedom and peace. We believe that due to our unusual circumstances, we are an exception. "Be not deceived, God is not mocked, for whatsoever a man soweth that shall he also reap." God hates divorce. Divorce has its own set of tragic reapings. If only you could see past today and tomorrow. If only you could get a glimpse of the years to come and of eternity, you would then agree with God. One man and one woman, loving and enjoying each other was and is God's best plan. It was such a good plan that he made it a picture of his relationship to us, His Church. The second time around can never substitute for this.

Divorce followed by the most wonderful second marriage is still a failure, and will be throughout eternity. When you chunk a bad marriage, you chunk your lifelong opportunity for God to have manifested his power and glory. A failing marriage is a challenge to God. When you divorce, you divest God of the opportunity of ever making something glorious out of the Devil’s mess. Divorce is not just your failure, it becomes the failure of God to triumph in those circumstances. You are not just saying that it is "more than you can bear," but that it is "more than God could handle."

This is a hard saying. For many reading this, it is simply an impossible dream. For some it is more like a nightmare. I am here to tell you, the Christian life is a miracle. If it is not a miracle against all odds, then it is not Christian; it is only a religious life. God has given you the "how to," and he has given you his Spirit to make it possible. He will give you the heart to want it to happen—if you ask him. He is a good God.

Michael adds his thoughts:

If you or your children have been hit (other than the children being spanked) so as to leave discernable marks two hours later, and you genuinely fear that he will repeat his battering, you can take legal steps without divorcing your husband. In a moment when he is not angry, calmly inform him that the next time he physically assaults you or the kids, you are going to call the law and have him arrested. You must first resolve in your heart that you are willing to prosecute him and see him go to jail. I visit prisons every week. It is a great place to mull over the consequences of one’s deeds. And I have never met a prisoner that turned down a visit from anyone. Think about it, lady; it is a great time for writing love letters and sharing a three-minute romantic phone call once a week. Guys who get out of prison run straight home to their ladies and treat them wonderfully—for a while anyway.

If your abusing husband fully understands that you have the power of the law behind you, he will learn to keep his hands in his pockets. I am not suggesting you do this to be vindictive or to get even with him. It must be done in humility and love. If your husbands knows that you are the weaker vessel, desperately seeking your survival and that of the kids, and that you are not trying to punish him, but that you are going to stand by and continue to love him, that you are going to wait for him to get out of prison and then try to start over again, it may move his heart to fear if not to repentance. You say, he cannot help himself. Does he help himself when his peers—other men his own size—make him angry? Does he fly out of control and start hitting his boss or his employees? No? Then he has self-control when he must. The law can make it a must, which will allow you to continue with him and demonstrate your womanhood and win him to yourself and then to your God.

But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is truly repentant (not just exposed) and is willing to seek counseling, you may feel comfortable giving him an opportunity to prove himself, as long as you know the children are safe. If there is any thought that they are not safe, or if he is not repentant and willing to seek help, then go to the law and have him arrested. Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution. Will this glorify God? Forever. You ask, "What if he doesn’t repent even then?" Then you will be rewarded in heaven equal to the martyrs, and God will have something to rub in the Devil’s face. God hates divorce—always, forever, regardless, without exception.

Leave a Reply

114 comments on “Abusive Husband”

  1. Thanks for the clarity of your explanations. The most difficult struggle is watching the adult children deal with their feelings toward an abusive dad. You have given hope again.

  2. I really find this answer to be very dangerous. Women are not less then men, and should never have to expose themselves or their children to abuse. Any God that would wish that on a woman and children is not a God worth worshiping.

  3. O.O. Wow people... are you SERIOUS? This article... oh my gosh. O.O. Okay... this is disgusting. First of all, how do you know that the Devil is not interfering with your marriage, making you suffer from such abuse??? Maybe God is so focused on other people, (not that you aren't important,) that he doesn't have the time to save you? I'm not Christian, or Catholic, or whatever you people are, however, I will attempt to argue in a way that respects your religion. Seriously... how do you know the Devil doesn't have a hand in this?? Also... you're children would only hate you from divorce b/c they're stubborn, stuck up brats. I'm 14, and I would NEVER hate my parents for divorce... if they believe they need divorce, who am I to object? I should always love my parents, no matter what they do, wrong or right! Also... I'm seeing these advertisements at the bottom? "Child Training 101?" O.o. Is it just me, or does that remind anyone of nazi child brainwashing? Training?? Why not teaching, or advising? A child will believe as they please, no matter what. My dad's parents were crazy about religion, and b/c of that, he hates them. I personally would never hate them, but that is beside the point. The reason your kids would hate you is not b/c you divorced, but because you pushed a belief on them in which they had no choice to accept! What is the problem with you people? Simple logic! God gave use logic for a reason... so we could help understand our children! This site... is disgusting. You people are the reason I'm NOT Christian! My parents allow me to believe whatever I please, because I am who I want to be... I will probably be Jewish, my great-grandparents escaped the holocaust, and for that, I respect them immensely. They are absolutely amazing, and I will love them eternally for their strength. Anyways. What if the Devil had a hand in your marriage? Wouldn't God wish for you to escape his influence... or is Christianity that twisted? If anyone listens to the lowly 14 year old over here, please at least take a moment to listen to my advice, I believe I've been put her to help people. Ask God what you should do, question him if the Devil has influenced you. Talk to a priest, maybe ask an unbiased friend, one who is not religious, what you should do about your problem. When facing a situation, you should always get more than one opinion. I really hope I've helped at least one person out there... Wow, this didn't come out in a way that respects your religion. 🙁 Sorry. ---------------------------- Believe in yourself. If all else fails, you'll always have you, no matter what anyone tells you.

  4. Wow, the "no exceptions" is scary, when God Himself does give exceptions, and this lady has biblical grounds for divorce (repeated adultery). The advice makes it sound like she and not her husband is at fault here, and if she divorces him she is in sin. That's quite unbiblical.

    1. I loved the article, we are like minded in that following the Bible is my life's goal. However, I have a question for you. 20 years ago, I did divorce my first husband, I was not schooled on divorce as I am now and I came from a family that had many divorces. I'm now 20 years into my second marriage and very happy. Still after reading your article, and seeing that a happy 2nd marriage is still failing, I'm not taking it personal, I know what you meant, but other than repent, is there anything I should or could do? Just curious.

  5. Thanks Kayleigh for speaking so honestly - I love to see kids being really honest, not pretending to please adults! I am a Christian but would never force my teen kids to be, I want them to choose for themselves. I am also divorced and remarried. I believe I would be in hospital or dead if I'd stayed. There's a lot of stuff on this site I really disagree with also.

    1. I have issues with the entire concept that if you are not happily married you should get a divorce. Debbi is right when she says God hates divorce. God hates the sins we do every day. I don't think that divorse is more hatted by Him than say, lying. We all sin and fall short of His glory. Don't take this to mean that I'm saying "since we sin every day, go ahead and get that devorce" quite the opposite.

      What really bothers me is the lack of Spiritual guidance and support to the suffering sisters in Christ. They read a book like Debbi's (which I have read) and try to implement the principles in it the wrong way. When a woman is in these situations, she should not start by complying to her husband, or even sincerely trying to be submissive, she must start with confessing to Christ. There is no sinless person. She must have a right walk with God before she can learn to have a right walk with her husband. If her children are at risk of abuse (not as a liberal worldly mind would spell abuse, but in the Biblical sense) she must find a way to protect them. Yes. That will be hard. The Church will probably not support her (to our shame). But her duty is still her duty regardless. She must also protect herself. This does not mean divorce, as many seem to think. She will be far less protected by divorce than by a seperation, in most cases. I say in most cases because, unlike the Pearls, I do think that there could be times when it is the only option. Maybe about 1 in 2000 or so. Women only turn to divorce because it is what they know. It is what their trusted friends and even pastors advise them. Their thinking is clouded by a seemingly hopeless situation and the ensuing emotions take over (understandably).

      Allow me a few minutes on a soapbox just to say this:
      We are in these situations because we were not raised (as a generation) to submit ourselves to the God of Heaven. We were told to go worship Him on Sunday, ask Him for things we want and complain to Him. The strict parents taught us not to use His name in vain. We have no idea what a sanctified life looks like. These poor women are not armed for battle, and the ones who should have modled what the armor looks like failed on the job.

  6. What Bible exactly are you people reading? I went to Bible college, one of the strictest KJV Bible colleges in the world and even they would never suggest a woman stay married to a man who has molested his own child. God hates divorce but he also hates violence and God HIMSELF says both violence and divorce destroy the family. If a husband is violent to his family, that family is already destroyed and at that point, divorce is simply legal protection for the wife and children.

  7. Thank you so much for your honest, Biblical counsel. If glorifying our Lord is the most important thing, your advice does make sense! The closer I draw to Christ through my feeble efforts to know Him, I see how selfish and full of pride I really am, especially in my marriage. I really do care what God thinks and pray for the mind of Christ. I ask for His love to flow through me to my husband, unconditional love. Your advice makes so much sense to me, and I treasure the impact it has had on my way of thinking and on my life. After all, I'm the one who promised before God, "For better, for worse...till death do us part." I want to honor Christ by honoring my husband. It does not matter if my husband deserves it, because Christ deserves it! It's the least I can do for Him after all He's done for me!
    Keep on; never quit speaking out for Christ, and know that you are being prayed for today! Thank you!

  8. Notice that they are saying NOT to put yourself or your children in danger. this means to take the appropriate legal action to ensure your safety but to not divorce him. God can forgive anything so why can't we. if you have a husband like this he needs your prayer more than anyone. Anything is possible through God.

  9. I applaud your bravery to pronounce the truth even though you know the vehement hatred that will inevitably be spewed forth as people try to rebel against God's loving authority.

    I absolutely love the part about the difference between a Christian life and a religious life. Absolutely perfect. It is common in this day - as I suppose it has always been if we could know - to only want to follow our Lord as far as we can go in our own strength and then justify our own weakness and lack of faith in Him once the going gets really hard.

    It is so rare to find a true voice crying in the wilderness. And it IS a wilderness out there!!! Praise God for your faithfulness. Your teachings are a true inspiration and life-saving tool for those who are broken and willing to accept the Lordship of Christ into their lives.

    Abundant blessings to you & yours!

  10. This marriage is already broken. Sure, God hates divorce. Why? Because it is a reflection of the fallen world. Staying with this man puts this woman and her children at incredible risk of
    1. Contracting a STD
    2. Not getting adequate medical help
    3. Not getting adequate nutrition
    4. losing the respect of and control over her daughter.

    Getting a divorce will give her rights to HER money, a safe haven for her daughter, and a chance to live without being afraid.

    Marriage vows are already broken, Debi Pearl. It's hard to protect oneself completely without taking full legal action against a man like this.

  11. Oh ladies! Just listen to the hatred and selfishness coming from your mouths. I have been married before and am struggling now for all the reason mentioned above. Debi is only repeating the heart of God here. If you can not accept it, then you are too deep in your selfishness and pride. Yes, hurt hurts! But vengeance is NOT the answer. I do not believe the Pearls said to "take" the abuse - they said to NOT divorce? Take a step back and open your heart. If the abuser wants a divorce - let em! but the believing victim CAN'T initiate divorce without 1. breaking a covenant with God 2. showing the world you believe God can't handle this 3. that your heart hasn't found forgiveness or sympathy for your spouse. Seperation (jail, moving, etc.)toward reconciliation (counceling, therapy, etc.) - just NOT divorce?

    1. Thank you so much! You have hit the nail on the head. My vow for this year was to be more Christ like and you are right. The bible says we cannot divorce but if the unbelieving spouse wants to leave, he or she can leave. In this case, we have not broken covenant, but they have. I found this article because I am dealing with a spouse who walked away from God and has become excessively angry and verbally abusive. I have asked for support from praying warriors and have sought God for wisdom, while trying to show my children (18 & 20) that God does not lie in his word. We must believe he is and will reward those who diligently seek him. I can't claim to be a Christian and show my kids that I serve a God who lies. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who told me about her previous marriage. He caused harm in the family. She prayed about her situation and released him to God. He never repented and she ended up receiving a phone call about his death. She said that she felt sorry for him but now has a deeper fear for God. Mind you, she didn't pray for his death. But God does say that vengeance is his. I'm not praying for my spouse's death but I cannot expect God to fix my marriage if I am not living in obedience. This article has encouraged me to trust God and allow him to do what he does best. God bless you.

  12. I agree wholeheartedly with what the Pearl's teach. What about us Christian women who are already divorced? Is there any hope? Where is the grace if my great-grandchildren have to suffer for what I did? I'd have to say I also agree with Holly.

  13. I have seen miracles occur as the result of obedience to these teachings from God. My own husband is an example. I do not believe for a moment that he is a Christian, but he IS very religious. However, he is very puzzled by my clumsy attempts at obedience. He told me that I am the most unselfish person he has ever known. (I was tempted to tell him that he is the most selfish person I have ever known - but I didn't)

    I do wonder how to help my children. They have been deeply wounded by his lack of affection, by his indifference, his outright cruelty, and his abuse. They don't have any happy
    memories of working with their dad, or snuggling on the couch with a book, or fishing, or much of anything really. A couple of them have memories of being thrown against the wall and screamed at (for no reason). I know my husband's mother was the same way. She was unaffectionate and mean spirited, and my husband was thrown against the wall in kindergarten by his teacher. Another teacher pulled a handful of hair from his head. This is the major reason he is all for homeschooling. Maybe this is the only way he knows to relate to children? I have a hard time knowing how to help my children understand and deal with all this. I should say that these things all happened when I was out of the house, he would never dare do this when I was around. He almost seems afraid of me at times. I do believe if I had not tried the advice in your book,
    that he would have beaten me. It is hard for a man to use his fists on a woman who is trying to love and honor him with all her might. It just goes against his nature. If you're a lover and not a fighter, it just takes all the wind out of his sails.
    Currently his one concern seems to be figuring out how to make me happy.
    I am showered with jewelry, clothes, going to dinner, etc. . . continually. I wish I could make him understand that while presents are nice, a relationship is the only thing I really want. The loneliness is hard. I don't think he has had a real relationship with another human being in his life. I think it must be very frightening for him. Some people have grown up learning not to trust anyone.
    I know that God is working in his life though. I hope and pray that he will be a true Christian sooner or later. In the meantime though, I have seen so many amazing events and situations, that I have to say that God has a sense of humor.
    My husband is in Afghanistan now with the Army. Please pray for him. Thanks for your ministry. You are doing great things in this messed up world.

  14. Even a wrong marriage can be made right. I do think in all things, God's will should come first - and He can break a marriage - just no one or nothing else can.

    I do have a question though that I can't find any articles on.

    What of the Christian husband who's wife (Christian or not - as the husband may not know anymore) has walked out. Each could make claims of various abuses. The wife is hardened and will not return. I think you need some articles to show this side. Even to show the abused husband's side. It's not only women who are in these situations despite popular myth.

    Where does a husband go, when the law always favour and side with the woman? He has no power, and is legally at her mercy until possibly having some finality after court - and that requires the financial burden of lawyers. So he gives her everything without choice, and she will never stop hurting him.

    I'd like to see an article or series dealing with this side of the issue.

    As well, I'd like to see articles dealing with Separation.

  15. Mr. Pearl, Thank you for your compassionate, wise counsel for the family that has been visited by evil through the husband/father in the described situation. I would like to add, however, (from my own personal thoughts, not weighed against Scripture) that because of the evil that that family is dealing with, the woman should not be required to warn her husband that she will call the authorities when abuse takes place. She should simply go ahead and do that. It is not the woman's job to save her husband. It is God's. In the described situation, the woman has sought legal protection that her "Christian" lawyer has not delivered. This woman is way past the point of winning over her man with submission, sweetness, prayer and a great sex life. (Truly-how can ANY of that take place, given the horrible situation that couple is in? Yes, God can do anything, marriage is an amazing mystery,etc. etc. But the woman does NOT have to live with the man and manufacture false love, support, and reverence only to be met with abuse. I do not see how her doing so would help God's reputation at all. It would just make her a martyr and destroy their child. Big evil, tragic deal!!)I realize all things are possible with God. But from the letter you've recieved, God seems to be choosing to wait to change this husband. No woman on earth should be required to play God by living with an abusive man in hopes of "winning him to Christ". How is God's reputation served at all, if a woman denies all of her God - given intelligence and throws pearls before swine while the swine eat her alive? Even if she is supernaturally enabled by the Holy Spirit to genuinely love this poor, lost man, he does not seem to be changing at this time - NOT because God is not faithful, but because her HUSBAND is so broken and decieved and unrepentant that change is not possible. For a woman to live every day of her married life in severe emotional, mental, and physical danger, or to watch her child be harmed is simply not necessary. In fact, I see it as another, very insidious form of evil. A woman can be decieved into thinking that it is her duty to save her man, when in fact, that is ONLY God's job. She should RUN as fast as she possibly can away from that hell on earth that she is living in before her husband - literally - kills her or their child. His abusive behavior has already damaged them both. For the woman to continue in their present living arrangement would be foolish in the extreme, and in my view, would be contributing to the evil that is already present in their home.

  16. I think that God does call us to submit to our husbands whether they are kind and considerate or harsh. One question, how do we do that and be joyful? I often feel lonely and hurt but believe that I have to keep submitting and let my husband hurt me. He is not abusive or anything he just doesn't listen to me if I tell him he has done something that I find hurtful. He is often quite selfish and I feel unloved most of the time. I do believe he loves me but his family background has had a massive influence on him. My question again, how do I submit joyfully? I am a bit lost. Any answers?

  17. The bible does not say you can divorce over adultrey when adultrey was committed the person was stoned. Divorce is not permitted by God Moses allowed divorce not God look it up my husband has been adultress un believer claimed to be of God delt drugs was abusive towards me God told me not to divorce and I prayed because it was hard My husband is awaiting for trial of molestation of child and had to file for seperation to keep the children and I safe I hope he gets all that can be put on him wrote him a letter about the Lords love and asked him to repent best love letter could be written it was written out of love and Iam hurt by the stuff he has done the children hurt too but what hurts the most is the thought of him in eternity to hell I choose not divorce him and do not know if reconciliation will take place when the kids are older and grown but the scripture clearly says that if u were once married and remarry u are committing adultry u are to remain un married or reconcile do not look to the scriptures for a way out to justify Go to the scriptures to lead guide mold train teach u and follow Gods word from the Bible and what he speaks it will not go against his word. God blessed me with a way out but I did not take the cheap way out I could have left a long time ago but this was orchastrated in such a way speak to Him He will answer before all this happend God told me he would take care of the children and I and He has who is control u or God give it to him continually through out the day pray and fast for your husband the pain may be great but due u truly honor what God says than do what He says do not follow doctrines that do not line up

    1. Donna, you are in error. Jesus Christ said God permitted divorce FOR ANY REASON, because of their hard hearts. Christ then gave a REAL REASON for divorce and remarriage--adultery. God divorced Israel! Paul said:

      1Co 7:27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.
      1Co 7:28 But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.

      Those who have been divorced and remarry have not sinned!

  18. For those who ask about seperation look 1 corinthians chapter 7 . I have had to file a legal seperation but will not seek a divorce but scripture also says not to remarry once u are married u are already joined as one flesh and can not be seperated and rejoined to someone else remarriage has u being a adultress scripture is clear read the gospels and Jesus speaks of this evan John the Baptist speaks against Herod and is beheaded because he had married his brothers wife but they were married thats not adultry u say well I beg to differ she had been previously married and then remarried she is still her 1st husbands wife in Gods eyes he does not acknowledge the 2nd marriage. Well God will understand u say well you made a vow a convenant before God to be with this person till u die u chose your spouse God acknowledged ur choice and your convenant is till one of u dies that is when one is allowed to remarry.Romans 7:2-3, Luke 16:18,
    Mathew 19:1-10 notice God did not permit divorce Jesus plainly says Moses did allow it Moses pled with God not to destroy Israel when he permitted it it was to help protect the one being divorced by the hard hearted spouse it was not Gods command but moses.Also read Mark 10:2-12, again notice Jesus does not say what did God command you He says what did Moses command you also note what he says about the remarriage and it being adultry he does not permit remarriage if u are divorced because evan if there is a divorce you are still one flesh and considered that in Gods eyes. you chose whom u married not God 1 time covenant unless one of u dies than u can restablish that covenant with another. You can look at Exdus 32:9-10 God wanting to destroy. Moses plees . Notice it is your covenant that makes you married not the sexual act evan Joesph and Mary were considered married and he debated a quite divorce before the sexual experiance had been concemated your vow,promise, covenant, is what made your marriage sex outside of marriage is fornication. There was no permit for divorce in adultry it was stoning you killed the guilty party Deutronomy 20:22 let us search the scriptures for what the truth is and not say How could a God allow this we have made the choice of who we married free will lets go to scriptures on how to deal with this 1 corinthian 7:10-11 gives lee way for seperation but it was not my 1st or 555th option it was a last resort for my children and my saftey and well being So God has placed an area for those women and children who need to escape and get help to but do not think it makes u free to remarry u are still his wife and I encourage you to still pray earnestly for your husbands to repent and be broken and come to the Lord still be a faithful wife evan if u have a restraing order or seperation still petition before the Lord for the Husband you have chosen for yourself u chose this man not God he joined you when you made your vow I know many will disagree with me I ask u to go to the scriptures and show me were the scripture disagrees God is still loving and faithfull God He has shown me what a true husband is do not seperate out of hard heartedness do it when it is no other choice for u and your childrens saftey. Be faithful to Gods word but do not be foolish either no God does not want us to be abused do what needs to be done to protect your family.

  19. Being a child of divorce, and having endured abusive step-parents I think my views have credibility. My mother and father never physically, or otherwise abused me, but their divorce itself had great harm to myself and my siblings. Our sense of security and stability was wrecked as children, and we were allowed to do whatever was right in our own eyes, while mom and dad were busy taking care of their own issues. If we are truly Christian then we are called to be unselfish, and divorce, in most cases is a selfish act. It is self-will commandeering what you have given over to God to be His life, marriage and childrens lives. My parents selfish act of divorce also allowed other fallen selfish people into our lives, who abused both them, and us children. They live with such regret. Just like how God spared David's life even though he committed sin with Bathsheba (and the events following!) divorced people may end up in a "better" financial, social, ect place in life, but the curse flows downward to the next generation, creating a legacy of broken relationships and selfish living. Thank God Jesus came to break curses, and that he is the redeemer of our lives- AND OUR MARRIAGES! I am now luckily married to a man who was raised by parents that were first committed to the Lord and to their marriage- in that order. Unfortunately , because of my parents divorce I never knew practically how to stay married. As a christian before marriage, I was committed to marriage for life to this one man in theory, but had no instruction on how to live it out when the storms of life came along. I am glad to have his parents' good example, but wish I could have learned it from my own parents. Divorce has a "I gotta look after me and mine's" mentality- that is not true worship of God.

    About abuse- as a former victim of abuse I agree wholeheartedly that actions have consequences and unlawful actions should be followed with invoking and enforcement of the law. BUT! you cannot become bitter; you must guard your heart while being prepared to show tough love. How many times have we broken God's commandments, and after chastisement, He has weclomed our REPENTANT hearts back into His fellowship and embrace? The world says and eye for an eye, and to hold grudges- what does Jesus say? Are we to be like the world or Christ-like? What glorifies God more?

  20. To Kayleigh, you are right. It is the devil that is interfering in peoples' marriages, however, it is the people who are hanging on to the devil's ideas and making them worse.

    You think that God is too busy to save people from the bad situations they got themselves into? That's like saying that God is too busy to save you if you step out into the middle of traffic. You can see the traffic. It's right there in front of you, and you decide to step into it. That's your decision, and you suffer the consequence. God doesn't make you do what you don't want to do. Neither does he stop you from doing what you want. I am not saying the consequence is good or that you deserve the consequence because of the decision. It just IS. AND, if a person is honest, they will say that they saw the traffic before they stepped into it, but they were just hoping that it was just a few cars every now and then and not a full-fledged rush hour. The same goes for our relationships. I know from experience. I got into a tough relationship. I saw the traffic, and I stepped into it, but I didn't think it would be so bad once I was in the driver's seat. Boy, was I wrong. Fortunately, God showed me how to pray like never before, and I found out that the tough times drew me closer to my loving God, and I realized even more how much God loved me. I also realized how full of pride I was at thinking that I was going to be the one to "direct the traffic."

    I should have focused more on God directing the traffic in my life.

    Regarding your "child training" comment, yes, it is very important to train up children in the way they should go. It is not brainwashing your child when you train, advise, parent, and teach them. It's all the same thing. Your parents trained you to not touch the stove when it was hot. Do you call that brainwashing? Should they have let you touch it so you could get badly burned? No. That would be child abuse!

    Your parents allow you to believe whatever you want. Well, good for you. Now, you are selfish and prideful. You have not escaped the devil's influence. He has a hand in what is coming out of your heart and mouth and is leading you straight to hell. Watch out for the traffic on the way there. You need to get a second opinion as you recommended. But remember to get wise counsel, not just anybody who will tell you what your itching ears want you to hear.

    I realize this is rough for you to read, but it's the truth, and if that is what keeps you from being a Christian, God still loves you, and you are still going to hell. Turn from your sins and prideful attitude. Give your heart to God. Go ahead! Challenge God to forgive you and give you a new heart. See what happens when you allow the God of the universe who created you and loves you with his whole heart, enough to die for you, can do in your life.

  21. I actually have another question along with this topic. How do we determine which laws are for the Jews and which are for the Gentiles. Example. Why do we follow the 10 commandments which were given but we do not have to follow the Jewish practice of not eating pork? Which part of the Old Testament do we as Gentiles incorporate into our life as Christians and which part do we not? Sorry if I am confusing. Not a bible scholar here.

  22. Hi Michael
    After watching the video and doing a bit of reading, I stumbled on the two verses and my understanding does not seem to agree with what you say on the video, Matthew 23:23:
    Luke 11:42:
    Could I be mis understanding the scriptures ?

  23. Yes, the bigger issue, than tithing, is knowing which principles(old law) christians under grace would do well to follow. It seems to include more than the "list" in Acts 15 as in another article Mr.Pearl stated" Self-defense is sanctioned under the laws God gave to Isreal and no where in the New Testament does God revoke the duty to self defense." Self-defense is not mentioned in Acts 15. In regards to self-defense Mosaic Law is upheld as good because it was not specifically revoked in the NT. I want to cleave to that which is good and abstain from evil. I want to please my Lord God, my Heavenly Father. Not to earn salvation but because He has given me so much. I know I can never perfectly please Him and it is He doing the good work in me. But with His grace and power I will try to show my love to my God by keeping his commandments as Jesus asked. God forbid I throw out the "law" just because I am no longer under the law. As far as tithing it was a prinicple the Jews followed even before the law Gen 14:18-20 and Gen. 28:20-22 and Jesus commended the Jews for keeping it(but they were not keeping the other needed parts of the law)The NT repeals circumcision;itrepeals the dietary laws. It does not specifically repeal the tithe. It does not specifically teach it either. It does teach being a cheerful and liberal giver. It seems to me that would be at least 10% of what God has prospered us. I don't see how giving 10% out of a heart of grace can be sin. Yes, if it was held up as law(meaning it is needed to earn salvation) then that would be a sinful(wrong) teaching. Your feedback,NGJ staff,is appreciated.

    1. Agreed. I think the Bible refers to them as "white washed tombs full of dead men's bones." And as far as the abusive types we should "expel the immoral brother" and "from such turn away," but few churches seem to handle abusive situations correctly and it's tragic for the women and children. It is not God's plan for ANYONE to be abused, and for anyone to twist it otherwise is as sick as the abusers themselves. Abusers can change but they rarely do because they find no fault with themselves (ergo, -no incentive to change/won't admit they have a problem). No woman should EVER feel any guilt for removing herself from a dangerous situation.

  24. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer all these questions. You have cleared up SO MANY confusing issues about the bible to me now. I was raised in several different worldly churches growing up and I am amazed at how much doctrine that I still believe is false. This is yet another one. I was raised with that exact thinking: You must make your self worthy before taking the lord's supper or you will be cursed...

    thank you
    amanda vital

  25. Again, you are so accurate with your interpretations Mr. Pearl. I agree fully.

    One more thought. I believe God is much more interested in the heart of a person. A resentful heart giving 10% he feels he is obligated to do VS a cheerful heart giving all they can and living meagerly... we all know which heart God thinks is beautiful.

  26. There is not one single record in the Bible of a Jew ever tithing before the Law. There is one recorded incident of tithing before the Law in Genesis 14:18-20, except that Abraham wasn

  27. I just read RC's comment and it reminds me so much of me, especially about the loneliness. There has never been any physical abuse of me or my son, but I have never felt loved. Respected, yes. Appreciated, sometimes. Loved, no. He hasn't told me he loved me in 11 years - we've been married 13 - but that is really okay, because I deeply love him.

    I beg and plead God to show me how to please my husband, but, like RC's husband, I don't know if he has ever experienced love for anyone before. He is the most miserable person and refuses to be happy. I think we have an amazingly wonderful life and my "happiness" seems to just irritate him all the more. So I try to just let him be and then he pouts because everybody has "left him out of the fun". He doesn't say it this way, just curses about everything. So I ask him what he would like to do and he has no clue, and then he gets irritated that I ask him. (Questions really upset him. He seems so confused all the time.)

    He can be perfectly fine - not happy, but fine - and go and take a shower and not speak for days except to mutter curses from another room. I don't say this to run him down. No one respects my husband more than I do. We are his life. But I just don't know how to help him.

    He is pushing our 17yo son away. When he was younger, I could remind him of how much his dad loved us and really "talk him up" when he was gone to work, but now he doesn't have much interest in his father, because his father has so little interest in him.

    How can I maintain a spirit of joy in this home, when that just makes him angrier? I know so many things NOT to do, but when he is like this, I don't know what TO do.

    Sometimes I feel that he is either suffering from: schizophrenia - like his aunt and brother, or effects of drugs that he was on before we married or demon possession. His mind seems to be getting worse. Simple things really confuse him.

    If it were someone else, the bitterness would not bother me as much, but he is MY HUSBAND! He and I are ONE FLESH! It is my great privilege to be his helper in this life and I feel like such a failure. I have often thought how much happier he'd be with someone else, but God performed a miracle at our simple JP service that made me fit to be the only human being (as long as I live) that is capable of completing him. I still feel like a failure though.

  28. At one point I was confused about what you teach. Not anymore. My husband is incredibly abusive. Verbally, emotionally, and physically. He's hit and pushed me during five pregnancies as well as when I'm not. He has put bruises on my five year old when he was three and he whipped him so long and hard with no indication that he was going to stop. If anyone had seen them. We would have both been in trouble with the law and my other children would have been at risk. He has kicked at our current three year old and he is just sweet, lively, bright smile and funny. Kicked!! He has put bruises on our seven yr old when he was six. He hurled shoes down the stairs at me while I was holding our 2 1/2 mo old baby and hit the wall so hard just inches from me that it made our baby tense up, with arms stiff and straightened out as if to reach for the sky with fists balled up, gasp for air, and scream. In my state this is called domestic abuse in the presence of a minor and it is a felony. His father was very abusive to his mother and unfaithful with her sister and harsh with them. He was a very disrespectful man. A bully. His mother stayed with him. It did not help any of them because one of his brother's lived as a sloth, used drugs, alcoholic, got convicted of felony statutory raped while married to his wife, played video games all day, didn't hold down a job, beat on his wife and finally commited suicide, and left her with tow young daughters while she had her breast cancer return (his son was out of wedlock with a different woman prior to their marriage). I often wonder if he had not live in such a hellish environment if he would had lived and died that way. Another of his brothers cheated on his wife, divorced her and didn't see his son from the age of 3 till he was 20 because he was running from paying child support. Now that son has a child out of wedlock. His other brother beat his wife savagely, cut her head with a broken mirror that he smashed her into. He beat her on a regular basis. Had an affair and ran off with a woman to another state and they broke up but he lives like a vagrant almost. Very nomadish. He's used drugs and attempted suicide, is an alcoholic. All three of them got dishonorable discharges from the military as well. I see a law of reaping and sowing but it appears to be generational sin. I didn't mention but their dad died in his mid fourties of a heart attack. He was greedy, lazy, selfish, and hateful. I do not see how their mother staying with him helped at all. I see no indication that any of them are saved or are enough interested. They think their father was a hipocrit and they are angry with their mother for not protecting them, making him stop , not leaving and getting them into a safe place so they could sigh of relief. I don't see the pay off with them or their children at this point and I worry about the futures of my sons if they continue to be modeled by this man, my husband, their father. What if their souls are lost due to him?

  29. I just wanted to say in defence of the Pearls, that they have always said. That in dangerous situations of repeated abuse that the woman should call the police. For those of you who are righteously shouting adulterer from the rooftops. I ask you to search out the biblical definition of adultry as it pertains to a man.

  30. The question is, Leay, did you call the law and follow through on pressing charges EACH and EVERY time he crossed the legal line of abuse? God has given us that means of protection. The options are not stay and be beaten or leave. You also can stay and FIGHT for your marriage! Serve him, obey him, submit willingly to him, AND keep yourself and your children under the God-ordained protection of the law. There is also the protection of the church. If you have reported abuse to the law, you have continued to honor him, you pray with weeping and humility for HIS soul, there is recourse among the church if he is a believer. Take your case discreetly, with genuine concern to save your marriage - not to be an accuser of the brethren - to your pastor and his wife or another older, godly couple. Ask them to pray for the situation. The man may need to step in at times to protect your safety - not to run another man's family. But this is an option that first requires a deep commitment on your part to seek the best for your husband and your marriage - not tattling.

  31. Good advice from the Pearls' as always. Tough, but true. I can personally attest to the fact that their advice works. I've been married 18 years; and the last has been the hardest. BUT my husband has finally gotten serious about serving God. God's word really is true. It's not easy to forgive and love when your husband (or anyone) hurts you deeply, but the rewards are indeed awesome. Believe Him, He doesn't lie!

  32. How come so many patriarchal followers recognize the wife's submission but ignore this part: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body." Divorce is too often used as an easy-out in this society, but in this case, it is for protection. If the husband repeatedly commits horrible sins against the aforementioned commandment, it is her right to leave and protect herself and her family. The government can only do so much. God does not hate divorce, he dislikes it. I promise, from experience, that the damage to a woman and her children from mental, emotional, and/or physical abuse is more extreme than any damage divorce will cause. It is not natural to divorce; however, it is even LESS natural for a man to act this way (per the scripture above), and for a woman to torture herself and her children by staying with him.

  33. Please answer how we are to throw away the very words of Christ in Matt. 23:23, and Luke 11:42? I agree that if one thinks they can *earn salvation* through works, they are VERY misled. By GRACE we are saved! But if one chooses to fulfill the parts of the law that are meant for all, out of LOVE and GRATITUDE to the "One from whom all blessing flow", then they will do a good thing. God may bless us for it, but that should not be the motivation. The furthering of the Gospel should. We are called to a higher calling in the New Testament. It has been wrongly expressed by some that money will come if we give it, but there are many ways to be blessed other than financially(most of which I believe to be of greater importance). The blessing back to us, when, & what kind, is up to God to decide and give. We should just be faithful and see our Father pour his love out on us. We bring in our tithe, and then should also give offerings over & above the tithe to the extent that we are moved by the Spirit, and by the needs of our fellow man. You may not agree, but to call it a SIN!?! Shame on you for judging. We do not throw out the Law because we are under grace. We will not be saved by tithing, nor condemned for not
    doing so, but out of our faith our good works are manifest.
    The Bible says there is a sowing time, and a reaping time.~Gen8:22
    If we give it will be given back to us in good measure. ~Luke 6:38
    From everyone who was given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who was entrusted with much, much more will be asked. ~Luke 12:48
    10 % in this dispensation should be the least we give. So while it might not be a hard fast rule that you MUST live by, it's a good guide line to keep us accountable financially. The "world's" view, is keep what is yours and exploit situations to get more. If you feel tithing is such an albatross, than don't do it, because God loves it when we give with a cheerful heart, not out of duty. Test God, and step out in faith that he will meet you where you are. Our piddly 10% is nothing in proportion to what He has given us in Christ Jesus. Why would you not want to give at least that small amount?
    Even this site has a "donate" area above, because if good works are to be done, *sometimes*, it requires the use of the earthly tool we call money. More could go, if more gave!

  34. Alisa, where in Scripture do you read that God doesn't hate divorce? Read Malachi 2:14-16. And it deals with the anger of God against a wicked husband. No one is saying it is okay for anything but sweet love to go on between a husband and a wife. (And for the record, I and neither the Pearls - I believe - agree with much of the "Patriarchal" teaching out there. Read "Balanced Patriarch".)

    And if a husband sought advice on how to love a sorry excuse for a wife, Biblical counsel would, of course, be all that you stated above. The question is actually, "How am I, as a child of God, to respond when someone mistreats me? REALLY mistreats me.

    We tend to confuse the attitude of forgiveness with a nonchalant "Oh, it's okay, don't worry about it." There is no need for forgiveness if there is really no hurt done. It only counts when the hurt is real and the wrong exceeds your natural capacity to brush it off. That's why Christianity is the hardest road out there. Read Matt 5:44-48, Rom 12:14, I Peter 2:18:23.

    Notice these are not "Patriarchal" references to wives - this is BASIC Christianity!!!

    No one, not even a battered wife, has ever suffered as much unjust humiliation and torture (willingly, I might add) than our Lord Jesus. How was Jesus able to endure this? "...He committed himself to him that judgeth righteously." (I Peter 2:23b

    Ladies, do we not believe God sees our sufferings, hears our prayers, is angered by evil? Will we be like Sarah and Rebekah, who took things into their own hands. We plainly show that we do not trust God has either the power or will to move on our behalf when we try to justify our own way.

  35. First and foremost I would like the thank God for giving me a wonderful and loving wife which serves him. I was not saved when me and my wife got married; I did know the concept of right and wrong in the most basic worldly level. I can honestly say I have not physically or sexually abused my wife but my anger, pride and hatred have done more than its fair share to contribute to verbal and emotional abuse. The abuse would usually come right before we go to church and it would just come out of me without provocation--just an overwhelming sense or irritation and my wife would get the full brunt of it. Now for the kicker, because my wife has scripturally ACTED the way a wife should to her husband the results are as follows; 1) 3 years ago I gave my life to the Lord and all his works . 2) God blessed us with 3 wonderful children which we are giving an opportunity to raise. 3) My anger and foolishness still linger and I believe will always be there due to my sins as a man; but every time I say a harsh word to be spiteful to my wife(for whatever reason) her silence and her holding my hand (while we are in the car before church) would give me peace and calm; I realize the error of my way and become repentant and it hurts me more and more each time it slips and granted it has been a lot less each time. To make a long story short. It was my wife's actions through God's instructions that we make our marriage work I can say I am behind the power curve as a spiritual leader and not being a christian the past 28 years of 32 is not an excuse but as a family we have grown; we have grown and continue to grow to love and serve the Lord. I see and read a lot of hopelessness in this article all I can say is that prayer and doing what is right scripturally works! I am a living example as an abusive and sinful man; by no means I will ever come to be or claim to be perfect it is by HIS grace that it is possible. I do hope that to those who struggle daily for their survival to pray and continually pray to the Lord, it works. Just don't expect everything to go YOUR way the next day--just know that God has something better for you. I am currently serving in Afghanistan and I couldn't be more proud of my wife who IS continuing to stand beside me. In surrendering my life to the Lord I have truly learned how to love. Just on a side note and I just thought about this if it came to a time where I would (foolishly) raise my hand to my wife or kids I would hope that my wife would do what she can to prevent that from happening. We have guns in the house and sad to say that my wife is a better shot than I. Two words: self defense.

  36. God gives provision for divorce. Of course he doesn't like it! But if someone is committing adultry, they have ALREADY divorced you!!! A woman is not under bondage in such cases. Read your Bible. Whosoever shall put away his wife EXCEPT IT BE FOR FORNICATION and shall marry another, committeth adultry. Desertion is another reason, but usually goes hand in hand with adultry.

  37. Yes, it may be PERMITTED, but He still hates it. In the new testament, Jesus makes clear that it was only allowed because of the hardness of their hearts.

    Furthermore, consider Hosea. Just as God had forgiven the adulterous nation of Israel when He could have righteously "put her away", so He instructed Hosea to retrieve his lousy wife and show her more than mercy. He showed her grace - treating her better than she deserved. (And note, this is God speaking to a godly man with a lousy wife lest any accuse God of being a "good 'ol boy" and demeaning women.)

    In our arrogant pride, we forget that we also are benefactors of the grace of God deserving only eternal hell, but instead being offered an eternal inheritance obtained by the suffering of our Savior. Can we not extend that same grace to our husbands? Do we forget Jesus speaking of unforgiveness? A servant owed his lord so much that it would be impossible to repay, but was totally forgiven and released (just as God through Jesus forgives us). But that wicked man turned around and threw into prison the man who only owed him a little. When his lord heard of it, he had no pity. Let this be a warning to us, man or woman, that Jesus tells us to pray, "Forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US"

    The "Christian" way is the hardest way - bless those that curse you, do good to those who despitefully use you, remove the plank in your own eye, then you can see clearly to remove the mote that is in you brother's (or husbands) eye, and so on and so on.

  38. I have been married for almost 20 years now, we have 2 teenagers and recently adopted a 3rd for his safety. But my point is as i read and have been studying the bible on marriages, I learn more and more. My pastor's wife gave me this web site to help me with some very difficult things in my own marriage. I was married before, at the time thought I was saved but in the past few years realized at the age of 12 i really did not accept Jesus just thought saying it was enough. But now I am truly saved by the grace of God and my husband is not and puts me in some very difficult situations with our money. I do love him and when I want to give up, I pick up my bible and read or at least recall the passages i have read in the past and just pray and pray and then pray again. Pray for the wisdom to be that good wife, the wife God intended me to be. I want my teenage daughter to grow knowing that her mother tried her best to honor God.

  39. Julia, if you have read my first post, you'll see that I, too, have a difficult marriage. Often I simply don't know what to do to make my husband happy, but I always know Who to cling to.

    You are doing the most perfect thing by turning to your Saviour and His Word!!!

    It may never get easier, but if you remain faithful to God, which means faithful to your husband, there are blessings in this life and the one to come. I would rather walk the difficult path of self-denial with Jesus than blaze my own trail that only leads to separation from Him.

    The only way we can show our children how to honor God is by our example of honoring our husbands. It's not always easy - heartbreaking at times - but God sees our sorrows and His ear is open to our cries.

    When I remember the sufferings of my Lord and even the great saints mentioned in Heb. 11 "of whom the world was not worthy", I realize that I have no reason to expect a nice comfy cushy life here in this world which is not my home. It is enough for me to know that He has prepared a place of perfection for me to share with Him eternally one day. Until then, He only asks me to willingly obey Him and leave the rest to Him.

    God can work miracles in willing hearts like yours. It's just that the miraculous change happens inside of us before it spreads to others. And then it doesn't always make things the way we wanted them to be. But if we are really seeking His will, He will be enough. He is ALWAYS more than enough to satisfy our souls.

  40. For those who keep pointing out that the penalty for adultery was stoning.... please remember that a charge was only proven on the testimony of two or more witnesses. I am sure that most can agree that a lot of adultery took place without onlookers, and the only two witnesses were the participants. Therefore, it should be obvious that there were many cases of adultery in which it actually happened, but the requisite witnesses were not available, so the guilty parties were not stoned to death.

    I think that the more one rejects the popular culture of today, the easier it becomes to accept the Truth of Scripture... inasmuch as the popular culture is violently opposed to Christianity. Even in many Churches... the clear teachings of Scripture are not discussed because of the fear so many have of being called a bigot, a misogynist, a homophobe, a fanatic, or worst of all a "religious fundamentalist."

    Perhaps those who claim to be Christians but still bow and worship at the alter of popular culture should consider what God considered to be acts of faith, and consider Abraham: What kind of fanatic would cut of his foreskin because his God told him too? What kind of fanatic would go all the way to the point of killing his only son because God told him to? Would the faith of Abraham be acceptable in your Church... or would he be politely asked to take his "fundamentalist theology" elsewhere?

    What is the principal duty of the person who has given their life to Christ? Obedience. Why? Because it brings Glory to God. He didn't say it would be easy, in fact He said just the opposite. However, the struggle is not in vain... and when the focus of the Christian is the Glory of God and not the glorification of self, the whole world watches in amazement... and want to know how they can have that kind of peace and joy... even in the midst of pain and suffering.

  41. <>
    I am the product of divorce. So I have been thru both scenarios (still in this hellish nitemare w/my husband, yes). I have a very close friend whose children I have watched be decimated by their very abusive father (to my friend w/them present as well as them). They are grown now, it's too late to rectify in the natural realm. They don't go to church either. I am WAY less messed up than they. With all this in mind, I am terrified to stay with my husband while he decimates the children. I pray and pray for God to remove him, since He sees fit not to change him. But in the meantime, my little children are dying a little more everyday. I am very close to leaving because I really think I should, not becuz I deserve to be loved by a nice man. Single till death would be preferable to watching the daily torture and deforming of my children's characters. I used to tell myself that they were very young, they could stilll get over the damage when God chose to change my husband. Now they are getting to the age where it's getting harder to reassure myself that. I have not just seen these damaged children from my one friend. I have witnessed the destruction of several families' children; no consequence to the dads, the mothers failthfully serving him and not seeking divorce or any revenge.
    I fear greatly for my children's emotional and mental stability. Mine is tentative already, but I am an adult, not a child who should be being protected. (the only kind of abuse he doesn't do is physical abuse so there is no legal recourse)

  42. God has used Mike and Debi Pearl to save my marriage. I credit my formerly very selfish unsaved husband's salvation in Jesus Christ to Debi's Biblical counsel for women. I have never, and may never meet Debi here on earth; but I look forward to giving her a great big hug when I meet her in heaven.

  43. Thank you so much for reminding me once again of the Biblical principles for winning a Husband to Christ. Especially about "without the word"; without me needing to teach him, that God will take care of that.
    I find it sad that do many comments reflect a lack of comprehension of your article as well as of scripture. I came here today bc I've been feeling sorry for myself...a pity party has been my all-time favorite my entire 39 years, I dislike to confess. I have been, as usual, blaming my poor job performance on my Husband's behavior. Yes, it can be hard, but I'm no peach either! I'm going out from sulking in our bedroom right now to go see what I can do to help him, and with a loving, thankful, and cheerful countenance! I have tons of paperwork to do that oas due for work tomorrow, but I pray and hope that God will cause me to "git er done".
    Many Sunday nights have been spent with my Husband sitting beside me, encouraging me until I got the paperwork done. I'm sure tonight will be similar.
    Thanks again for your sound Biblical advice.

  44. I love the book.
    I just turned 20 and feel that the man God has for me is right around one of the corners in my life.I am the oldest in the house ( I have two older sisters). 6 girls and 1boy are right behind me. So you can imagin that I help out. My Dad is the Assistant pastor of Redeemed Baptist Church in Pennsylvania. My sister and I take turns with some women in the church in the Nursery. a few of my sisters and I also help some elder people have some fun by playing bingo with them(stuffed friends are prizes 🙂 ). Recently I have had vison like thoughts of myself and my future husband at old small churches getting people saved. I realized I am not going to marry that #1 man for me I am marrying him for God.
    I don't have a man right now but he is somewhere and close.It is exciting to know that there is 1 special man a man that no other can match up to and he is mine.
    I didn't tell you what I feel called to do. I am called to be an evangelist wife.I feel at peace about it so I know its true.
    Mrs. Pearl someday I would like to meet you.I may have to wait until my husband comes.Keep an eye out looking for me ;).
    Many thanks.
    sister in Christ,

  45. Wow! This book is great! A lady at my church let my sister and I borrow it last Sunday. We both enjoy how the book has all KJV verses (that is hard to find!) and how the book doesn't make you feel like you have to be perfect to geta husband...We simply need to be serving God and others to get us prepared. We can't look for Mr. Right, but work on ourselves and Mr. Right will find us.
    I am excited to get married because of the fact that the marriage union represents Christ and His church...and also working as a team to wim souls for Christ! What a blessing God gave you the ability to write a book like this.
    Glory to God,

  46. In Matthew 19:9 where Jesus talks about divorce he says...

    "And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."

    Notice the "except it be for fornication" phrase. If God does not expect her to remain with her husband, how can anyone? If she chooses to do so, she can. However, I hope my wife would leave me on account of my multiple acts of fornication in such a case. It also seems that her marrying another would not be fornication in such a case. If I abuse her and harm our child, I hope she divorces me and remains single for both of their sakes (perhaps to be reconciled to me someday if I man up ~ 1 Corinthians 7:11).

    Lest anyone claim this teaching of Christ's only applies to husbands, see the parallel passage in Mark 10. The "except it be for fornication" phrase is not there, but this is the same occurrence retold. Combine the two accounts for the fullest understanding and you will find that a wife has the justification to divorce in light of fornication.

    Do not bind a burden to your friend's back that God has not. That is evil.

  47. I just have to say that everyone who is saying that the circumstances allow for a divorce are making God WAY too small. Staying with such a horrible man is such a hard thing to grasp, but it is what God wants. Even the vows you take on your wedding day make it very clear that there is only one way to exit your marriage... "until death do us part". That promise is not to be taken lightly. There is no "until you cheat on me" or "until you do something horrible to me or our children" clause. God gives a way out of every single situation.

    I don't think Mrs. Pearl is saying that this woman's friend should physically stay in the same house as this man, she is saying the the woman needs to stay married. Call the police, press charges, take your daughter to a safe place, but do not legally dissolve your marriage! If this woman is faithful to God and prays for an answer God will deliver. He ALWAYS does. Not some of the time, not most of the time, ALWAYS!! Our God is big enough to handle anything... Your abusive husband is no match for the wrath of God.

    If the Bible tells us to treat our enemies with kindness so that we can be like burning coals on their head, then why wouldn't he call for the same reaction when our husbands are hurtful to us? Divorce leads to more divorce...

    If this woman shows her daughter that by sticking by her husband and leaning completely on the Lord even THIS awful wretched man can be saved what would that do for her daughter's future? Think of how mighty God would become to that little girl.

    Again I think that the woman needs to physically remove herself from the situation, or at least her daughter, but she cannot legally divorce this man if she ever has a hope of saving his soul. God will do a great work through this woman's forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean acceptance... It means realizing that he is human and granting a fraction of the grace God has given to her.

  48. To Michael:
    Your perception of how "the law" will come to the rescue is nowhere near reality as far as how the legal system really works. "The law" is not going to show up and arrest someone on a report of child abuse. If anything is done, they will take the child to a foster home. As far as the sexual abuse I have seen an investigation go on for over a year over sexual abuse and the whole time it is going on, the perpetrator is totally free. And then when he finally was charged, he was sentenced to 5 years and served less than 3 of those years. Some sex abuse cases, the perpetrator does no time at all. My point? The legal system is not going to protect your kids. That is your job as a parent.

  49. Dear Debi,
    I estimate that I have read through your book over 12 times. I am very grateful for all of your ministries. I do have a quick question, though. In your book and interview you mentioned situations where your husband left a mess for you to clean (trashcan (book), digging in drawer (above). It is sad to me that you pass this off as "mannish," for a godly man living according to scripture would love his wife more than himself, and not leave messes for her or be inconsiderate to wear muddy shoes on a floor she keeps clean. It seems contradictory to Mike's teaching for men to love their wives. please respond if you can. I write this in love and humility. I am very grateful for your service to Christ, to your family, and to women.

  50. ps - the book I was referring to was "Created to be His Help Meet." I haven't had the privilege of reading your newer book, "Preparing To Be A Help Meet."

  51. Its very easy to give advice to someone when you have not been through it yourself. Its easy to say, "Hang in there! God will take care of it." when you are not and have not been through the abusive situation. God does not reside in a box. Yes, His words are true and Yes, I believe them. But ow could a God who created us and knows us intimately, sit by and WATCH his daughter be abused? How could He WATCH as she is being subjected to demeaning sex acts by her husband that is supposed to love and cherish her? How can God WATCH as she is being beat with closed fists? How can God WATCH as she is being made to feel lower than dirt by her husbands cruel words? And how can YOU ALL sit by and say its ok because God WATCHES it happen and does nothing unless the WOMAN obeys? And even if she does obey, He still just sits by and lets it happen. There is no love to that. In fact, I have spent a long time now wondering if God created me to have some form of sick entertainment watching me be abused. Thanks for your efforts but if I am sinning because I left an abusive situation, so be it! Its not yours but God's right to judge me.

  52. Okay people, seriously, if you don't like what they have to say then visit a different page. Just because they are teaching this does not mean you have to follow their advice. Stop spewing venom out of your mouths and move on. BTW have any of you negative nancies read any of the testimonials? Many people that have followed their advice with unsaved husbands have restored their marriages and ultimately brought their husbands to the Lord.

  53. Okay so this comment is way late but I really felt the need to add something for the sake of future readers. I don't mean any disrespect as I know that all of you have the best intention and are only trying help another human being but I just have to ask.Why would anybody believe that god "hates" in the first place? In my world God only LOVES. He loves you no matter what you decide to do. Humans have the tendency to hate because we are primitive. I certainly wouldn't call God primitive. Imagine seeing your child putting their finger in a fire and each time the child is getting burnt, would you stand by and pray that the fire would turn to water or would you tell the child to get away from it? You may think it's not a logical comparison but I have experienced abuse first hand. I have a verbally, physically, emotionally abusing father for 24 years now and my mother did not divorce him and prayed for close to 35 years now for him to change and guess what she is still being abused. I am proud to say that I have left him behind with the help of the universe/god and am now married to a wonderfully spiritual and humble person. My mum finally see's that she deserved and still deserves a better lifestyle. The sad part is that most people that stick in these relationships not only hurt themselves but they hurt their children too and in fact they are hurting their abusive partners as well. Maybe once you let go of that abusive person you BOTH could go on to live wonderful lives separately. The children will have a chance to grow up in a stronger, healthier environment. Yes it is true there are some abusers out there that have changed but do not be a fool, it had nothing to do with you sticking by him. If anything you just encouraged his behavior by sticking with him. It was because HE chose to. Hardly ever the case though. Nobody.. woman or man.. should feel obliged to stay in an abusive relationship. You deserve more than that and if god has taught us anything he has taught us that we should love ourselves. Love yourself enough and you will know what to do.

    1. God hates divorce, yeah, it's true, but he also hates, "A proud look (the spirit that makes one overestimate himself and underestimate others), a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood. A heart that manufacturer's wicked thoughts and plans, feet that are swift in running to evil," etc. read Proverbs chapter 6.

  54. I agree with the original author here and her husband overall, but please differentiate in the scripture between may be saved and will be saved-my children are holy, my God is bigger than my husband and obviously loves him greatly, but in the end if my husband does not choose to walk with God in the way He intended all along- this is not my fault and this sad loss should not be put on any wife or attached to her as a personal failure of her behavior or love for God or her husband.
    I am sure this was not the intention of the author's so I decided to write for clarifications sake.

  55. Domestic violence is never okay and in this case the women needs to get herself and children to safety immediately. DV gets worse over time, not better and God never gave a man the right to abuse His daughter. Adultery is biblical grounds for a divorce. This advice given by Debi s well meaning but extremely nieve, and a man who lifts a hand to a woman has forfeited his right to have her. Pray all you want but Gods answer will be to give you grace and strength to set boundaries to get yourselves to safety. Woman, if you don't protect your children who will. If you stay you will only produce a next generation of abusive sons and doormat daughters!

  56. I have no idea what to say about this. I am in an abusive marriage. True, my husband has never hit me with his fists, but I am his verbal and emotional punching bag whenever he deems. I live in constant fear of when he will erupt, why he'll be angry this time, what he'll say. I never know what will set him off. I can try and try to please him but he's never pleased. Don't get me wrong, I know I've not been the perfect obedient, humble, submissive, respectful wife. I've done and said things I shouldn't have. And for those things I am truly sorry. I have offered apologies, done my best to never repeat the sin, made amends, endured his anger and verbally beatings, asked for forgiveness and been denied. As far as waiting to break the marriage vows, I think he already has. When he refused to have any kind of relationship with me over 2 years ago, he broke his marriage vows. When he yells at me and says horrible things to me, refuses to meet my needs, he's broken those marriage vows. Yes, we still live in the same house. But that's as far as it goes. I guess one question I have is about the verses that say to take the matter to your brother alone and if he hears you, you've won your brother and if not, take 2 or 3 more with you and if he will not hear them, tell it to the church. Does this not apply simply b/c the man is untouchable by the law? It seems that way to me. I struggle with bitterness and with responding in a proper manner. I pray that I will remain faithful to God throughout all this b/c it is very hard.

  57. Comment to the 14 year old girl Kayleigh!!

    LOVED your post!! Praise GOD! I just wanted to tell you that there are Christians who think very differently on this topic, and who champion the rights of the abused.

    Also, I wanted to say, that the big thing that made Jesus angry when he was on earth was people using the laws of the old testament (of which I am sure you are familiar) to oppress the poor and weak. They would use the Torah to put strict rules on people, and then choose to have sinful and hard hearts.

    And Jesus identified THIS as the REAL sin, not the breaking of laws!

    So, actually, you are on the right track! The people on here who are spending a ton of time picking through Bible verses to find the EXACT definition of divorce or marriage or when God allows divorce or if he allows remarriage if the ex spouse had an affair? That thinking was actually like the Jewish religious leaders of Jesus day.

    Whereas Jesus said that God loves us, and yes, we sin. But that is why he came and died for our sins. And that God focuses on our hearts and knows our heart motives, which is what is REALLY important to him. If you are covered by Jesus' love and salvation , and have your heart opened to his guidance, you no longer need to be worried about the rules (which can get you in stupid situations like staying with abusive people), and you will naturally start to do the right thing because Jesus' love will be guiding you!!

    Blessing and good luck! I hope to have a bright, courageous, spirited daughter like you someday who will refuse to put up with abuse!

  58. I am almost 30 and my parents are divorced. My father committed repeated adultery when I was in junior-high and was unrepentant even after being confronted numerous times by the church. I was afraid of him because when he was home, we had to be absolutely quiet while he watched tv and there was no laughter or joy in hour house. He had a way of making me feel everything I said and did was wrong and everything was my fault. He verbally and emotionally abused my mother and I, to the point where I have only now begun to heal. This went on for a couple of years before my mom decided to divorce him. She went to the church and they told her she had Scriptural grounds for doing so. From the point of view of a child caught up in all that mess, allow me to say I breathed a sigh of relief the day I knew their divorce was final. I was so tired of him leaving and coming back, and of hearing him force himself on my mom when I knew he had just been with some other woman. My innocence was shattered far too early because of his sin. I hated him for the way he treated us and wanted him gone. It was so hard financially, but we finally had peace, and God always provided for us. My dear mother managed to work and still Homeschool my sister and me. Today she is married to a wonderful man who cherishes her. I have two stepbrothers who had never known a mothers love, and who my mom has loved like her own. My dad has remarried to a woman who has been invaluable in turning him around. My stepmother is also one of my dearest friends and the Godliest woman I know. They go on mission trips, visit prisons, and they always have some missionary family or person in need staying with them. She doesn't put up with any crap but she also loves and respects him like he's the best man on earth. My dad and I will never be best friends, but thanks to his remarriage he is able to be a part of our lives and be a grandfather to my children. He and my mom get along just fine now, to the point where both families spend some holidays together. I believe with all that is in me, that had my parents stayed together we would still all be miserable and my dad would still be a lying, cheating jerk. They were just terrible for each other. I can't say divorce is a good thing, but at least in our family it brought about something beautiful.

    I also must say I have zero tolerance for a woman who would stay with a man she knew had abused her children. Children are a mothers responsibility and it is her divine duty to protect them from those who would cause them harm. I see no difference between abuse by a father, and abuse by, say, a friend if the family. Abuse is abuse and regardless of the offender, it is the child who suffers. Do what you will with your own safety, mothers, but when there are children involved, take no chances. You will be called to account for what happens to them under your watch. If your husband is abusive toward your children, for their sake have his sorry hide locked away where he can cause them no more harm. Just avoid bitterness, and be honest with the kids - mommy loves daddy, but she can't allow him to hurt you, let's pray for him, etc - and they will love and treasure you for keeping them safe. Use your head. Men are responsible just as much as women for the state of their families.

  59. @Anonymous - It is good that your situation has turned out so well. Your mother had every right to divorce your father and it was solely her choice to do so. It is only speculation that separation and reconciliation may have not had similar results.

    NGJ and the Pearls have zero tolerance for men who physically (and sexually) abuse their wives or children. Our counsel is that such a man should be given over to the law and never be allowed the opportunity to abuse as stated in the article.

  60. ummm..wouldn't the law have been that a man who committed such vile acts be stoned?? I can see how divorce is hated by God if men who do these things are punished by death. then there's no divorce, and the woman is free to remarry. In todays day that is not the case.

  61. Grace and peace to you all. Do you remember the love our heavenly Father showed us? The Word he foretold and how it came to pass? Who he sent to save us? Is it not he who is full of mercy and compassion over all - "he sends his rain and sun upon the righteous and the unrighteous."

    Are any of us greater than Job who was corrected by our heavenly Father having said, "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?"

    If our Father's beloved Son, Jesus, affirmed "they are no longer two but one, therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate," how can you by speaking undo what our Father has joined and set into being. You can not argue away the sun or stars or light or grass or trees or men or women, all of which he also spoke into being with the same command, "Let..." Jesus points out that even when you, out of pride and hard-heartedness, sign on paper a statement to ratify or nullify anything, you are only confirming that on top of being proud and hard-hearted, you are also untrustworthy and rebellious; "Let your yes be yes and no be no; anything apart from this is from the Evil One." If you so dare to marry another or even think of having sexual relations with anyone else, then you have committed adultery, a sin; you are still joined or married because you are one with your spouse and no longer two. If you truly repent, turning away from sin, and live in love with Christ who saves you then you have eternal life; for your faith is pronounced by your actions as James confirms.

    What of those who are suffering, abused, battered, maimed and tortured for living in the Word of God and remaining obedient to his New command to love one another as he loved us? We were told this would happen, "No servant is greater than his master. If they persecute me, they will persecute you also. If they obey my teaching, they will obey yours also." Even here, you can see the judgement of those who are blind, persecution from those who are deeply afraid because they have not eternity to place their hope in, and edification from those who know the Truth and believe the Word spoken to us.

    Men are like grass, women like flowers; the grass withers, the flowers fade, but the Word of our Lord remains forever. And he has now given us his Word, that if we remain in it, believe in it, then Salvation is our gift, even eternal life in Love. For if you truly know the Truth then you would know the Spirit by which John speaks saying, "God is Love."

    So the mercy and compassion shown to you by Love truly through Salvation will not be taken away from you in heaven where your true eternal home is with a Savior and husband who did not force you to marry him and will never divorce or fail you. The only unforgivable sin here is when this Truth is ultimately rejected or forgotten in the end by "the cowardly and unbelieving and abominable and murderers and immoral persons and sorcerers and idolaters and all liars." Until then, hope remains; the invitation from our Savior, his Beloved and the Spirit of Truth remains "...let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes take the water of life without cost."

    Dear people, may nothing hinder your eyes and ears and hearts from being open to the Truth and Love our heavenly Father has for you. For his perfect love, his Son having been obedient to His Father even to die for us so that we would be spared an eternal death and receive eternal life instead, his perfect Love has the power to drive out all fear, to heal you, and to give you eternal life. "He(Jesus) did not come to condemn ...rather to offer his life as a ransom for many." "There is no condemnation in him..." If anyone condemns you, they are not in Christ, God's salvation for us; if any of you condemn yourselves, salvation is not in you... yet all of us are no less the ones he came to save from being condemned for our sin... our lack of love.

    Dear people, we all need that Love that lasts forever and we all are in desperate need for eternal life in Love.... hope in any other avenue, no matter how logical it may seem, miserably pales in comparison to the deluge of forgiveness, mercy and compassion, God has for us in Christ Jesus.

  62. This is a subject that is not an easy one to understand without the faith and hope of our Lord Jesus Christ. The answer that the Pearl's gave I'm sure was a much prayed over one

  63. wow this is exactly why i hate religion. you would have people believe that god would rather have a child and wife be battered and abused in other ways than to see them get a divorce. here is the fact you see to be missing the guy who abuses is doing it because he wants control not because he is just angry its not going to be controlled by him because he wishes to controll her. you can't fix that most of the time and the women praying that he will find god and stop is waiting to be killed or abused more. it does not help it hurts. the poice do pretty much nothing in most places and your choice becomes divorse or kill him in self defence. is that not allowed either to defend yourself. you people preaching this garbage is exactly whats wrong with religion and it makes a mockery out of anyone who does believe in god.

  64. @jennifer - READ THE COMPLETE ARTICLE (Michael adds his thoughts)! I do not know what dark ages area that you live in, but now days in most places (in the US), a physically abusive husband will generally serve time and at the very least be put under a restraining order that upon the slightest violation will then serve time.

    1. Actually in most places in the US a person who is arrested for DV on a first offense will typically be able to make bond, Yes there is a restraining order until the first court date, but restraining orders aren't forts. Abusers have been known to kill or harm the person even with a restraining order. About 2yrs ago my mother called the police on my husband when he had become completely out of control. I was 6wks pregnant with our second son. He was arrested and taken to jail. The officer that filled the report told me that more than likely my husband would be given a bail amount, if he was able to meet that amount he would be released that night. I would receive notification when he was released and that a no contact order would be in place. Sure enough approximately 6 hrs after his arrest a jailer called me to give me notice that my husband was being released from jail and about the conditions of his release. When our court date came around he was ordered to take a DV court ordered course. Once he completed that his charges were removed from his record. He served no time. The ADA told me that this was typical due to this being his first offense as well as the fact that I didn't have to go to the hospital because of what he had done (even though the officers felt it was enough to arrest him)

  65. Thanks so much. I was discouraged very much. I will continue to fight the fight and examine my heart before God.
    To Kayleigh, the confused young woman commenting near the top, I have a 15 year old step-daughter who is allowing the devil to use her and ruin her life without her knowing it. Probably because her daddy never spanked her or made her mind. More than likely a good spanking would help you out. I'm Jewish and I respect my elders too. Michael and Debbie Pearl may be goy I don't know, but they are your elders too and when you have grown up and are about 30 years old, your life is in pieces, your children are on a path to destruction, your husband hates you and you don't know where to turn, you might just be wise enough by then to look up NGJ and read the wisdom of the Pearls and thank God for the advise, care and help. May God get a hold of your heart before it's too late. I will pray for you as well as my own sweet step-baby. Read the stories and learn from others mistakes.

  66. I've been married for over 20years and my husband is retired and sits on the couch all day watching tv and on the laptop. He sleeps on the couch with the tv on all night. When he's not doing that he just started a beer brewing hobby. Oh, and he drinks 60-90 cans of beer a week. He's supposed to be building our house but seems comfortable with his life while I am supposed to be homeschooling with all the noise in the house. I'm ready to leave but I don't want to start over. My daughter does not respect me because she wants to go to public school and since dad won't let her, she takes it out on me. I need prayer and counseling

  67. The only thing I disagree with here is that it seems there is no forgiveness. God can forgive the woman who chooses divorce. Will there be worldly consequences of it, probably but that doesn't restrict God from moving in her life or her family.

    "A failing marriage is a challenge to God. When you divorce, you divest God of the opportunity of ever making something glorious out of the Devil’s mess. Divorce is not just your failure, it becomes the failure of God to triumph in those circumstances."

    This is the only statement I disagree with. There is no challenge to God, our human minds cannot fathom that God works outside of time, we don't prevent God from triumphing. He knows what we were going to do. He triumphs no matter what the circumstance. If he can provide the miracle of salvation to these vile men, don't we think he can win over divorce. If our sins showed that God was a failure, or deprived him of an opportunity we are sorely mistaken of the nature of God. God doesn't fail, he doesn't miss an opportunity, and although divorce is a sin, it's a forgivable one. If I were in fear of my children's safety or my safety, I would leave the situation and report it to the police and not seek a divorce.

  68. A couple that my parents were friends with, were friends with a couple in which the husband routinely committed adultery, was incredibly jealous, mentally, emotionally abused her and their young daughter and beat her up on a regular basis. He finally escalated to promising to kill her. She left him and took their daughter, but did not divorce him. Mainly because she was in hiding and didn't want a reason to come face to face with him and risk him being able to trail her once contact was made. She was terrified of him and probably couldn't express in words to anyone the complete complexity of what she knew. For six years, my parent's friends worked on convincing her of the biblical teaching to win her husband over with her quiet spirit. They felt that surely he'd had enough time to cool off and reconcile his actions in six years as they had been in contact with both of them and 'worked' on him as well. They were 'familiar' with his change of heart. She was finally convinced to return to him. Finally one day she took their daughter and headed back to the home she'd left. Her husband opened the door with a loaded gun, shot her and their daughter to death immediately, no diaglogue as it was reported. She was found laying dead on the walk way leading to the front door. This sends chills through my body and for this, I exercise caution when applying pressure on anyone with scripture to stay in an abusive relationship. I must admit that I am a committed believer in the marriage spoken of in the Bible and have asked some to at least not file for divorce on 'that day' but to just wait, nothing else. In a weekly conversation I have been a GODLY friend never adding my opinion but just restating the facts that they first lay out for me and then just quoting appropriate scripture being sure to relay the Gospel and not to manipulate. However, this response is extraordinarily 'crushing', feels very suffocating, and although I know everything here is in the word of GOD, I wonder if Jesus may have delivered the same with as much heaviness. Maybe think about just quoting scripture and leave out some of the examples, 'insight', 'discernment', and 'how to's'. I hope my honesty has not come across as disrespectful for I believe that far too many people divorce when they could have worked much harder, prayed more earnestly and diligently, forgiven more consistently, and allowed a few more offenses be as water rolling off of a duck's back. Sometimes it appears that you all are providing too much commentary and somewhat changing the meaning, although I know not intentionally. The Lord tells us ALL that our thoughts and ways as not HIS. I believe he means ALL of us, ALL of the time. As much as we attempt to apply 'practical application', explain and provide examples at some point, usually when we decide that we 'have this one down' and there is no reason to ever allow our position to be changed on any biblical teaching is when we begin to lose ground. The Israelites tried to grind, mix, and cook the manna that GOD had given them. They ended up ruining it for the pleasure of its flavor which the LORD himself thought important enough to consider. It did however fill the stomach. But GOD wanted much more for them. Love you guys...I am not above sincere redirection and correction. I would be interested in you providing scripture that applies to this particular situation if possible.

  69. Charles Spurgeon once said that a woman is a reflective mirror of the man, and if he didn't like what he saw in her, he was to take a look at himself and see what he was doing wrong. Scripture clarifies that the responsibility for a relationship working or failing rests totally on the man -- that in his obedience to the command that he sacrificially lay down his life for the woman, she will then open up, respond and blossom. Who did God go to first in the Garden of Edem? Was it not Adam? I hear and respect what the Pearls have to say in this article, but I have to believe that the answer lies not in "instructing the woman," bu to rebuke and reprove the man. The church today has grossly failed in that the number one sin responsible for divorce is pastors refusing to instruct men to lay down their lives for women, and in refusing to admonish men in their prevalent failure in this area.
    In response to Michael's comments about the law, I personally called law enforcement in response to the father abusing both me and my daughter. She was then placed in foster case "as a matter of procedure," and the father was arrested for domestic abuse. He was released within a few hours. A hearing was then held where a judge gave the father placement of the child, even though the father had been arrested for domestic abuse!! During the course of the next six months, when my daughter came to visit me, she arrived with bruises, and when I approached the legal and judicial powers, they refused to admit that they made a mistake. When I eventually fled with my daughter for her safety, I was arrested and sent to incarceration for a few years. It's evident that our male judicial system favors men, and doesn't work for women. Sadly, it is a fanciful delusion to believe otherwise.
    The answer has always been for the church to rise up, to instruct and rebuke men in their responsibility to biblically love women. When will they do so?

  70. I was in a abusive relationship once ... Its a very hard relationship to get out of ..When he threatin my life I knew had to get out ... Most men that are abuseive don't change ...

    Micheal I'd like to commennt on something you wrote >>> But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is truly repentant (not just exposed) and is willing to seek counseling, you may feel comfortable giving him an opportunity to prove himself, as long as you know the children are safe.

    If he is truly repentant give him another chance.. Well i was molested at the age of 8 yrs old by a nieghbor the minute it was over the damage had been done mentally and physically to me I couldn't inmagine having to stay in the same house with the man ( as it would be if she gave her husband -(the father that did that to his daughter) another chance) with conuseling etc..As the saying goes never know what some one else feels till you walk a mile in there shoes... If a man or woman molest or rapes a child they should be brought up on charges and convicted to the fulliest even if he is the father ....To me he should have taken his daughters mental state and what it could do to her instead of only thinking of himself I feel thats what god would want... Not one that everyday u have to look and fear the one that rook your innocents from you and live in fear he will do it again....

    Thank You

  71. I cannot believe what I am reading! I am a Christian, and there are some things here that don't make sense

    Number one: Everyone wants to quote Malachi 2. What about the remainder of Malachi 2:16? For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation AND him who covers his garment (his wife) with violence. Therefore keep a whatch on your spirit (that it may be controlled by My spirit) that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly (with your Marriage mate.

    Also, these scriptures:

    2 Corinthians 2,:14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (Do not make mismated alliances with them or come under a different yoke with them, inconsistent with your faith). For what partnership have right living and right standing with God with iniquity and lawlessness? Or how can light have fellowship with darkness?

    1 Timothy 5:8 If anyone fails to privide for his relatives, and especially for those of his own family, he has disowned the faith (by failing to accompany it with fruits) and is worse than an unbeliever (who performs his obligation in these matters).

    Please re-read the book of Exodus, if you think God is okay with bondage and oppression. Did God hear the cries of the Hebrew slaves, and say to them, Just stay with Pharoh and pray that he will be saved? No! He made sure the Hebrew children were powerfully, completely delivered!

    Jesus came to set the captives free.

  72. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship where if you told your spouse the next time they abuse you that the law will be called? In abusive situations that just escalates the abuse and causes the abuser to be even more controlling and abusive.

    Another thing, when people marry they are to marry in the will of God. I married my ex only to find out he was into porn and the ONLY reason he married me was to have sex. THAT is not the will of God. I divorced him after 9 years of abuse.

    I hate when people use the verse in Malachi to support God hates divorce. Have you studied the verses before it? It talks about how the husbands were being violent towards their wives, and abandoning them so they could take on heathen wives. Yes, God hates divorce but God also hates when men are violent to their families and abandon them.

    I am also surprised that Michael did not cover the verse 'if a man does not provide for his family he is worse than an infidel.'

  73. Wow, people get so offended about what is actually in the Bible. It is there in black and white for them to read (well this is assuming they are not reading some "New Version that is easier for you to understand-or rather easier for them to sell because they have taken out anything they feel could be offensive or hurt someone's feelings). Most of the time, people want to either skip over verses that make them uncomfortable because it would require an effort on their part or explain it away by saying it was a different era or culture or whatever. My question is do you BELIEVE in God? Do you believe in His word? You cannot just take what you want out of the Bible and believe that, either you believe the whole Bible or you do not. Yes, there are some bad things that happen and yes there are some women who are abused and yes there are children that are abused as well. However, these people who have gotten all upset over this always want to find reasons why THEY or someone else should be the exception to what God wrote. In my opinion, you think God can handle everyone else's situation, but not yours. No, I haven't been abused by my husband, but YES I was molested as a child and guess what, when I got to be an adult I used that as an "EXCUSE" for the way I was and how I wouldn't trust anyone and why sometimes I didn't want to have sex or whatever would suit my purpose. Did God allow it to happen, yes He did. Was I angry for a while? Yes, I was. Then my friend adopted a little girl of ten, and guess what-BECAUSE I had been messed with as a child, I could see that she had too and they got her some help. No, it wasn't pleasant, yes it hurt and no it wasn't fair. Now, let me ask you this---Was if FAIR that Jesus died on a cross for MY SINS, for something HE didn't even do? Was it fair that Jesus had to take the burden and shame of ALL of our sins? Was it fair that He done it, knowing there would be people who wouldn't accept the gift of salvation, knowing some people would never repent of their sins? Was it FAIR that God had to give His son to die a shameful, painful death for US because we cannot live holy, because we make stupid decisions and sin daily? Many people use things as excuses to not do what God says. Yes, I realize there are some evil men out there that won't change regardless of how the wife behaves, but we live in a time where the normal thing is to put all the blame on someone else. If I hadn't been abused as a child, if my mother loved me more, if my husband only wanted the same as I do and the list goes on. To listen to our excuses, we have NEVER done one thing wrong, it is always someone else's fault. Try what the Pearls teach, trust me, Satan will always take you back. I have personally experienced what she teaches to be true. It is hard to do, I admit that, and even harder to maintain in today's world, but oh the rewards when you are living as God teaches. My husband and I were dating for a few short months and I already knew what buttons to push to make him angry. I also knew how much my tears and poor me, the one that is being unfairly treated, the one who was molested ect... would get me and how to use it to my best advantage. If I listened to what the world had to teach, I would have left my husband years ago, because he doesn't understand what I went through and while that is true, he gave me the best advice-just get over it. It done me no good to dwell on it and to try to fix it by reading self-help books on molestation. Either I believed God and that all things happen for a reason, or I believed in myself and should rehash it everyday and think on it and learn to love myself ect.... I am much happier knowing God is in control.

  74. I agree with Debbie. However the advice of Michael is wrong.

    Michael, I BEG you to NOT suggest that children have to live under the roof of their molesters. Don't think your children are safe just because the man has turned grandpa or spent 10 years behind bars. He may have only wizened in his craft. I have been reading your articles for years, never have I read positive outcomes from child molesters.
    Forgiving and trusting are two different things. God tell us to put our trust in Him alone, not the Law or man.

    To The Mothers of Children Who Have Been Violated by Their Dads - Realize that there is always forgiveness in the Cross. Sometimes we are not capable to forgive others, we need to remember that when Jesus was nail scarred, that He too took upon Himself their reproach (sin, contempt, shame). That is not saying if the predator ask for forgiveness, you leave your children with him again, Never! If a Child Molester Is Truly Repentant (Godly Sorrow), He Will Not Want To Be Alone With Children Again. He Will Hold Himself Accountable To Others and To GOD.

    My aunt turned her husband in to the Law for molesting her daughter. At the same time submitting unto her husband to try to save her marriage. He spent one night in jail because he plea bargained with the court, today he still has no sex offending record. So his record is spotless. He molested his daughter again after the fact (many times), he was even a deacon in the church. It is very bad advice to make a child live with his or her molesting father. Today we know of at least three children that have been violated by that man, his record is clear. Today, one of his kids live in incest. So what he has sewn, his children and their children are reaping. At least 3 of his children now are advocates of incest. All this was done under the nose of a submitting, nice, godly, joyful (so nice and joyful, she made me sick) wife, who took the shoes off her husbands feet when he came through the door.

    My cousin, who was my best friend, was torn and confused as a child. Then when her godly mother wanted to keep the family together, I, a child of 12, knew all was lost. Her dad convinced the mother that I was a bad influence (I was actually protecting her from her dad) and they separated us. She over the years became brainwashed.

    Child molesters are sneaky, to molest children, it takes much thought and contemplation on how they are going to get away with it. They make the children feel that what they are doing to them is right, so the children are confused. Just like Satan, they throw in little things (things pleasing to the flesh, presents, etc.) to make it seem right.

    Back in the early days of America, when women were the house wives and divorce was frowned upon, things like this would happen and because of the shame, it would be hushed up. Women had no place to go, no way out. This, along with Hollywood is the reason there are so many molesters today. Today as a nation we are reaping the harvest from homes where the wife had no say. Today that harvest has been mingled with the Christians and has multiplied into hundreds of thousands.

    On the other hand, Debbie's advice was good and sound. I used it years ago, and for about 6 years no my husband and I now live joyfully in God's holy Love. At first it wasn't easy taking her advice. I remember getting up in the morning and forcing my self to be joyful (this is the key). I was not joyful because my husband looked at porn, I was not joyful because he threatened me with suicide if I left him, I was not joyful because he shook me and slammed me around. My joy was in the Lord. My joy came in His promises that if I served my husband with a joyful heart, that my marriage would change for the better. My joy came from the fact that even though we have abused our Creator, He still served us on the cross. If Jesus would take the abuse from me, I would take the abuse from my husband. You know what? It didn't take long, and my husband did 180.

    Ladies, if you have no joy in the Lord and His Promises, then your right, it won't work.

  75. Comment/question...It seems that Debi & her husband are trying to focus on only one subject in response to this letter and its questions of abuse. But, I can't help but wonder why they did not respond in any way towards the specific issue mentioned of adultery/sexual sin since it was also clearly written in the letter from the friend. I know God's direction for marriage is laid out in His word and we can hold on to His promises, but Jesus also gives a statement in regards to divorce and "sexual sin". Since this specific letter contained both subjects, why was the adultery passed over and not given acknowledgement?

  76. I know God hates divorce.If I had not got out were would I be today.He broke my spirit.I got beat,broken bones.He beat our son.He died 1 week after he turned 40,his heart blew in into picies.He beat his second wife.I always felt like God took him out.He was mean.You can not believe what I went throught.I have to go throught therapy now to deal with things.Some people never change,God knows there heart?He turned my son against me.Thank God he has done a work in our lives.God sent me a good husband.I was not looking for a husband.He has been a God sent.Some times we have to get out,or we will be the one in the grave.I prayed for years.It ran in his family,all the men were mean to there wives.

  77. Leslie Vernick has some excellent books on the Destructive marriage and how the church and some Christians have distorted God's word on the subject. I would highly recommend her books.

    1. Debi's books, Created To Be His Help Meet and Preparing To Be A Help Meet, are also excellent resources on marriage that also upend conventional Christian thinking on marriage and the roles of wives. Mike's books Created To Need A Help Meet for husbands and In Search Of A Help Meet for all men, approach marriage the roles of husband from the same non-conventional mindset.

  78. And when one's husband chooses to be lazy and prideful, looking at porn, not making more than $20,000 per year, not dependable, hypocritical, in denial, not willing to communicate, etc.... when does the time come that she is enabling him while she does his bidding, keeps her tongue, takes care of the kids (includinghomeschooling) and all other details of life as if she were single - except having to cater to him too.

  79. What do you do as a wife when your husband has left you? He left and was silent for 4 months, we were in counseling and he agreed to look into a path of recovery for multiple addiction problems. He ran away and moved 4 hours away when he decided he was not ready to change. We are meeting for the first time in 4 months this weekend and I know he is going to want me to move there to be with him. Do I stay separated and let God deal with him or do I go back to him?

  80. Dear Debi and Michael, Thank you so very much for this article. It is one of the best I have ever read. Everyone in the world should read it. Praise The Lord!! Val

  81. One of the greatest tragedies of our time is not rightly dividing the word of God. I never ceased to be amazed at those who leave out 1 Corinthian 7:15 which states a sister is not in bondage to an unbelieving husband who has departed. The greek testifies that depart does not mean a man who has physically departed from a geographical location, but has departed from the marriage covenant vows. Rarely if ever do abusers leave; it is always the victim.

  82. Amen. God bless you two for such a truthful, strong and faithful article. Never take this one out please no matter what the critics are. Many are being blessed and straightened by this.

  83. I agree that God as given a wife a way to win her husband and that God will work in us imperfect people over time to show His Glory. I also agree that God really hates divorce but I disagree that there are no scriptural grounds for divorce. God also hates unfaithfulness and this lady has more than ample scriptural grounds for divorce on that count. There is good advice here for some situations, but this article is only telling half of the truth. Coming from swab, soft, metropolitan west-coaster view, I would be a whole lot less lenient than Mike advocates. Bruises or marks after two hours? Nope, full strength of the law. My Mommy told me growing up to never hit a girl. I never have...

    Jesus taught that adultery is a just cause for divorce. I don't think stoning was inferred in His comments - it would be incongruous with what He was saying. The subject is also re-visited elsewhere in the NT.

  84. Dear Kayleigh,
    I liked reading your response very much. Mature and responsible for a lass of 14.
    This teaching is not at all advocated by many of those who follow Jesus. As evidenced by the comments. This couples' advice flies in the substantial knowledge we have about abuse both Christian and secular.

    One thing I promise, you only have to ask Jesus to show you who he really is and he will show up..if you really want to know. And he rocks!! I should know. I chose to follow him at age 19 and am 66 now. If you like to read there are wonderful books about people who have been miraculously transformed by Jesus. One is The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom who miraculously survived the holocaust when she was freed from Ravensbruck concentration camp.( Thinking sadly of your great grand parents). She and her Dutch family hid Jewish people during WW2. There is a tree planted in her name in a forest in Jerusalem; each tree honouring those who aided Jewish people. I found this tree when I was in Israell years ago. There are more and more Jewish people coming to know Yeshua (Jesus). As the bible teaches, He came first and foremost forthe Jewish people, the rest of us (gentiles) are only grafted in to the original tree. May I suggest you visit your local Christian book store and ask for other transformational stories, perhaps more recent and closer to you in age. Blessings to you. Bonnie

  85. I had a very abusive husband who did not believe in God. I believed in God, I love God with all my Heart, Soul, & Mind. My ex husband was a heavy drinker, committed Fornication all the time I would say he fooled around with a least 200 woman. He also beat me up all the time. I was a good faithful wife who never fooled around. He treated our two boys very terrible he thought more of his tools than he did of the children.
    He would start a fight with me so he could go be with another woman. I was not perfect because I let him influence me and I did wrong things like lie and steal. He would hit me all the time one day he hit me so hard before dropping me off at work that when I went into the washroom at work and PRAYED TO GOD TO HELP ME I SAID I DONT WANT TO LOOSE HIM BUT COULD YOU CHANGE HIM FOR ME BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH . God helped me thru my divorce because God knew my husband was not going to change even though God does not agree to Divorce he knew my ex was not going to change I feel God helped me for the Good. I was with him about 20 yrs. My Ex beat me and fooled around on me from the day he married the Bible says except for fornication AND THATS WHAT MY EX DID GOD BLESS EVERYONE LOVE YOU ALL. Make the Lord God your Saviour Amen
    Thank you Jesus for your help and you are my saviour

  86. Dear Michael and Debi,
    I translated into Spanish this article ever since you published it, back in 1999. I have used it in my ministry among women in Mexico. It has help me immensely, personally, not because I had an abusive husband, but because I was an abusive wife (it is very hard to write this—believe me). I know the principles here do work because they are based on the Scriptures, and the Word of God never fails. My dear husband won me to repentance and to desire to walk in the light, in obedience to JESUS, in the Spirit, by his humble testimony of grace toward me and joy, and never, ever paying evil for evil, but instead, praying for me, and blessing me... Truly “... the Christian life is a miracle. If it is not a miracle against all odds, then it is not Christian; it is only a religious life.” My husband lived out the grace of God, Day by Day; for sure I did not deserved it, but I can never thank him enough that he believed God and saved our marriage. When God convicted me of the abusive wife I had been and repented, I begged God to change me and soon “Created to be his helpmeet” was published. It took me about 18 months to read through it, because every page I would read made me cry, repent and beg God that he would change me. God did! My marriage was completely turned around to the point that not only I stopped being abusive, but serving and submitting joyfully to my husband, and delighted in doing so! What a joy is to have a God that knows us and never will leave us. What a Savior, what an awesome LORD, Christ Jesus, and His Word will never come back void... Would NGJ like to have the translation into Spanish? I also have translated “A wise woman builds up her house”. Let me know and I will email them to you.

  87. Dear Michael and Debi,
    I translated into Spanish this article ever since you published it, back in 1999. I have used it in my ministry among women in Mexico (how can God use this broken vessels?—undeserved grace...) It has help me immensely, personally, not because I had an abusive husband, but because I was an abusive wife (it is very hard to write this—believe me). I know the principles here do work because they are based on the Scriptures, God’s Word, and the Word of God never fails. My dear husband won me to repentance and to desire to walk in the light, in obedience to JESUS, in the Spirit, by his humble testimony of grace toward me and joy, and never, ever paying evil for evil, but instead, doing good to me, forgiving me, praying for me, and blessing me... Truly “... the Christian life is a miracle. If it is not a miracle against all odds, then it is not Christian; it is only a religious life.” My husband lived out the grace of God, Day by Day; for sure I did not deserved it, but I can never thank him enough that he believed God, and in Christ, God used him to saved our marriage. When God convicted me of the abusive wife I had been and I repented, I begged God to change me and soon “Created to be his helpmeet” was published. It took me about 18 months to read through it, because every page I would read made me cry, be convicted, repent and beg God that he would change me. God did! My marriage was completely turned around to the point that not only I stopped being abusive, but serving and submitting joyfully to my husband, and being delighted in doing so (remember, every command God gives us contains a beautiful promise of freedom, and it is NOT burdensome —undeserved grace)! What a joy is to have a God that knows us and never will leave us the way we are. What a Savior, what an awesome LORD, Christ Jesus, and His Word will never come back void; His promises are true.
    Would NGJ like to have the translation into Spanish? I have also translated “A wise woman builds up her house”. Let me know and I will email them to you.
    P.d. I have one child. Our marriage was so bad that he would mention often that he would never get married. Another day, in front of me (he was about five), he said to my husband, “I don’t want to live with Mommy anymore. I think it is better that you and I move to another house.” (Probably because of my rage tantrums including spanking in anger —Again, this is very hard to write, tears flow from the hurt I caused both of them)... But this is not the end of the story, I praise the Lord. The next year after God started changing me, he started saying that I was his best friend (I homeschooled so we spent lots of time together, many fun times) and that when he grew up he would like to marry someone like me. Utterly humbling... This is a miracle, sisters. This is a miracle.

  88. I feel like this response ignores Matthew 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, SAVING FOR THE CAUSE OF FORNICATION, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

    This clearly states that if he cheated she is allowed to divorce him. Focusing on ALLOWED meaning that may not be the best solution but in the case of abuse, I think it is safer to do so. Yes, you may not be happy or have a good life divorced either but the safety of the child should be more important than that. Generally agree with y'alls views but this one I think is quite dangerous.

  89. I loved reading this article. My marriage has been redeemed, praise the Lord. It took his many years of going against everything I felt like doing and doing God's way. And walking by faith and like Abraham, not staggering at God's promises. Believing by faith that my soft answers will hopefully someday turn away his wrath... Praying Bible verses for my husband- that his heart would be knit with the hearts of our children, that he would love what God loves and hate what God hates, that certain sins of the flesh would be put so far from him, that he would put on gentleness, kindness, bowels of mercies... I fasted for myself, him, our marriage, and the children, over and over and over again. I quit putting expectations on how long this would take, I was going to fast and pray and beseech God for however long it would be until the soul of my husband was redeemed. There were days I asked myself how I would respond if it was Jesus sitting there, and then I would serve my husband like that- willingly, joyfully, kindly, quietly, without rage rolling in my heart or mind. I had to take my thoughts captive again and again and again to the obedience of Christ. I read and cried over the end of 1Peter 2so many times, then got up and obeyed it since 1 Peter 3 starts, "Likewise, ye wives..." I know what it is like to want to give up, to have Satan come roaring in like a tsunami.
    I know what it's like to see pain in my children's eyes, but knew if I would make an issue right there, it would be divided discipline, and children don't do well with that- I know from experience. And so, sometimes I talked to my husband later, and many times the children prayed for them as I sought God's wisdom in how to approach the subject with the children of somethings without them being bitter with their dad.
    When I was so busy letting God soften me and transform me into the woman He wanted me to be, and busy praying for and loving on my husband, it got me out of the way for God to work in my husband. Slowly, so very slowly, changes came about. It was incredible how God worked, and almost every time, things looked different than what I had at one time thought they should look like or needed to be. I was in awe of God. Because I kept choosing not to be bitter with God or my husband, and helping our children to live for God's glory, they didn't have bitterness sprouting in their hearts when dad came and asked their forgiveness. God redeemed our marriage, but there was still one major stronghold in my husband's life that I fasted and prayed about for 10 yrs, and then one night he repented and cried like I had never seen him cry- even more than when his mom was killed. And ladies, my joy and happiness was overwhelming, because when God redeemed my husband, I was right there being able to be the best helmet I could be for him in his redeemed state, because I had been letting God make me into that when my husband was at his worst. To God be all the glory.

  90. I am a law enforcement officer and a Christian. The advice you are giving these women is inherently dangerous and deadly. I have personally been on murder scenes where the women did not leave her abuser and she paid with her life. Sexual assault on a child is not an “accident”. It is a horrible ungodly crime and the offender should never have a “chance to prove himself” to those children ever again.

  91. Hello:
    I am a Christian and have been for many years. I love the Lord and try my best to live according to His will for my life.
    I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my former stepfather who was not a believer. My mom stayed with him when I finally dared to tell her what he had been doing to me because even though she said she believed me, she also said she had two younger children left to raise (my half siblings). Several weeks later, the abuse continued.
    I believe with everything in me that abusing a child sexually or any other way is against God period! I believe hitting a woman is also sin and against the will of God! So as someone who has gone through years of abuse, I am finding it hard to believe that you could even THINK it right to advocate STAYING with someone who harms a child! Do you have ANY idea what damage sexual abuse causes and how betrayed a child feels when their mom stays with or returns to someone who caused such harm to them? This betrayal further damages the child and encourages others who are living in sin that they can pretty much try anything and "all will be forgiven" --or at very least, overlooked! The sins of the father in this instance are much more likely to carry through generations.
    I would urge you to pray about this and educate yourself on the impact of incest and sexual abuse on victims and families because truly, your advice in these situations seems way out of line!

  92. If you have read this article and are discouraged please read M. Pearl’s book, Divorce and Remarriage. It is much more thorough and delves into a variety of situations and leaves you hopeful and encouraged. There is more to be considered.