Filter by: Products Articles
Filter by:
Do you get our FREE Magazine?


February 15, 2002

Although I had been in church all of my life and had been taught out of the Bible, I was not saved and did not know anything about being a wife. As I look back, I now know that I made many mistakes in my relationship with my husband.
I am 50 years old and have essentially been alone for 21 years. I never thought this would be my life. At no time did it cross my mind that my husband would ever leave me. Although I had been in church all of my life and been taught out of the Bible, I was not saved and did not know anything about being a wife. As I look back, I now know that I made many mistakes in my relationship with my husband.
Today, I see and hear young wives, and older wives as well, thoughtlessly making those very same mistakes with their husbands. They take for granted that he would never leave and file for divorce. After all, aren’t they both in the church and share that lifetime commitment? This sense of security seems to give them the feeling that they have the liberty to take a spiritually superior, adversarial stand, in myriad ways, against the wrongs, failures, and inadequacies of their husbands. I see it as either ignorance or a refusal to obey God’s injunction to wives, or a combination of both. This is why I write my story—lest you follow me down the same path.
I cannot answer for my husband’s failures. Who was most to blame doesn’t matter now. If I had known then what I do now about God’s commands to wives, what a man needs, and what I could do to fill those needs, it may have made all the difference. Older women have failed to teach younger women how to love their husbands.
An important point I want you to know is that much of the time, these things I did or failed to do were not everyday, not always overt, in-your-face actions. They were subtle, ebbed and flowed, but were there nevertheless, just enough to be a constant reminder to him that his wife wasn’t entirely pleased with him.
When my husband acted selfishly at home, allowed his temper to flare, and then went to church and acted spiritual, I gently withdrew from him emotionally, letting him see my cynicism and lack of confidence. I wish I had prayed positively for him, trusting God, openly showed love and acceptance of him for himself, not waited until he acted right.
When he failed our child, failed to have devotions, failed to be spiritual, failed to lead like he should, I was ‘privately’ disappointed, but he knew it. I wish I had completely trusted God and maintained unity, honor, reverence, and submission with a glad and trusting heart. When he made a statement about someone or something, I often countered, putting his opinion down, letting him know he was wrong. I wish I had understood about “chaste conversation” as described in I Peter. When he acted like a jerk, instead of letting him know what I thought about him and his actions, I wish I had remained quiet and prayed for him, loved him anyway. When he tried to make up to me for some failure, I wish I had not been so cool, waiting for him to be more intense and sincere about it. When he spent money I thought we didn’t have, it caused me anxiety, and he knew it. I wish I had shown continued confidence in him, regardless of his decisions.
When he wanted me to do something, and I didn’t want to do it, I wish I had cheerfully complied instead of making him sorry he asked. Hardheadedness is not a trait to endear any woman to a man.
When he needed someone to believe in him, admire him, approve of him, accept him, regardless of his failures, I wish I had been the one to give him those things. Maybe he would not have left and found another woman to take my place.
When I thought that keeping his faults before him—just small things he did and said—and keeping myself a little standoffish in my approval of him, was the only way he would change, I wish someone would have taken me aside and told me how badly mistaken I was to think that it was my place to apply and keep the pressure on.
When he did not know how to show love, and I felt a void emotionally, I gave up, turning to friends and family for my emotional support and needs. I wish I had borne all things and hoped all things, loved him steadily and fully, unconditionally. I never saw the need to endear myself to him. I took for granted that he would fulfill the husband’s moral obligation to love me. I wish I had gone to “God’s Beauty School” for the whole woman, spirit, soul, and body.
Time passed. I never knew my marriage was being strangled to death. Separation and divorce came. I was shocked, terribly scared, and ashamed. I was one of those women who thought that it would never happen to me. I felt like a failure. As someone so aptly stated, “Divorce is like a death, except that no one comes to bring food or comfort you.”
When my husband left, we were plunged into near poverty. He no longer felt the natural desire to protect and support his family. I received the minimum child support. At the beginning, once in awhile, he would stop by to see what we were doing—I think out of guilt. One morning, not long after he left us, I tried to start the car to go to work, but it would not start. I didn’t know whom to call and had no money for a mechanic. I went back into the house, sat on the sofa, scared of losing my job, ready to cry, when my ex-husband drove up. When I told him about the car, he said—completely at ease and unmoved—“That’s too bad. I feel sorry for you,” and casually drove off. It really hit me then. I was alone, so alone.
When the house and car needed repairs, there was little or no money to have the work done. So things slowly fell apart.
I dreaded the summertime. As I drove away to work in the mornings, I agonized over my child having to stay in the house, behind locked doors, alone for 10 hours a day. I couldn’t afford a babysitter or find someone willing and trustworthy. She was too old for childcare centers, but still too young to be left alone all day. Even in her younger-teen years, it was hard for her to be alone all day. At the beginning, when my child was sick, there was no one to stay with her unless I took off from work. And then there were the week-long bouts of colds, flu, ear infections, and other normal sicknesses. No job allows enough sick time to cover the worker and her child.
I became ill with a long-term, debilitating condition, made worse by always having to be alert, day and night, as a single mother, living on the edge, always tired, always stressed. But, I had to continue to go to work every day, no matter how bad I felt. I had no choice.
God was faithful to us. He was with us and intervened with his help many times. We never went hungry or cold. In good time, God gave me a family in the church that stepped in and were there when I needed them, for the long-term. They will never know what an enormous impact that had on our lives. They were a gift from God. But the loneliness at home, the feelings of rejection and abandonment, the financial struggle, were all still there, every day.
The stress and loneliness I experienced over the years was a combination of many things, but if I had I known and obeyed God’s plan for wives early in my marriage, my life could well have turned out very differently than it has.
Today, as I finish typing my story, I will go home to a little house trailer which I rent. I will eat alone. I will count the hours before bedtime. I call my daughter and the grandchildren, but they have their lives, and I want it to be so. God has been very gracious to me, but I am aware that I have missed the best he had to offer. Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. (Gal 6:7).
As the Pearl’s personal secretary, I read the letters you send to this ministry. I see many of you doing the same things I did, but you don’t believe that this could happen to you. In fact, you may well be thinking that it would be a relief if you could get your husband out of the house. You think, “Well, I’m healthy and strong. I’m emotionally secure. I can handle it. I would get a good job. I have family around that will help. I have a good church that would support me. I would go get counseling, etc. At least I would have peace in the house, and could then live as I wanted to. I wouldn’t have all the problems to contend with.” These are all things that wives may think. But I know better. The facts of history have proven this outlook to be empty lies.
I hope this will be a wakeup call to those wives who are deluded into thinking that they have liberty to be the Holy Spirit and judge to their husbands. It will never, never work, and you may end up like me.
Isa 48:18 O that thou hadst hearkened to my commandments! Then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea:


Leave a Reply

21 comments on “ALONE”

  1. I am married to an attractive, adventurous, wonderful husband who sometimes treats me and the children very badly. It makes things ‘not worth it’ to stay in the marriage. Seriously. I begin to ponder alternatives to escape from the pain of it. Then I intentionally read this article. Thank you for bringing it back to God.

  2. Hi ,i hope the situation has gotten better for you.Im sorry to say it but you chose a scumbag.Any person who would let their child live in poverty is worthless!There was nothing you could have done to make him change and no woman should ever have to submit to a male! I believe in equality!Just because you are older does not mean you have to be alone there are good men out there, ones who dont backstab their family, i hope you find one.

  3. I’m only 21 and in 2 years of marriage I managed to do all those things that you wrote about to my husband. I never realized what I was doing until I went though my husbands phone and found a massage to another girl telling her that his marriage is destroyed. Thank you for your article, I wish I read it at least 6 months before. May God be with you

  4. When a man cannot accept the accountability naturally offered by being married, lovingly & respectfully presented by his wife, that his own problem. (see Matt 18 for what the BIBLE says about confrontation) No, you weren’t perfect, but I hope you can eventually be freed of the idea that your husband leaving you was your fault.

  5. So many of us do and say so many hurtful things to our husbands. This “created” book has been such a blessing to me and so many of my friends. So many women wouldn’t have lost their husbands if they had gotten proper counseling in their younger years. Listen and learn. We just had our 19th wedding anniversary and it’s by God’s grace that it has happened! I’m looking for 19+ more.

  6. I am headed in a similar situation except I’m the husband who’s wife left. I am blessed with a more stable situation – but it doesn’t feel that way. We’re only separated, but divorce seems inevitable.

    What boggles my mind is the complete lack of male stories like this. Yeah, maybe I’ll write it up sometime – but I have to heal a bit first to be sure it’s the Lord’s work, and not something from an unrecognized bitterness in me.

  7. Hi,
    Thanks for sharing. I’m 39 years old and have not been married yet. I’ve read the book about being a help meet and have ordered the new one and hope that by reading them and reading your comment that maybe if God sends me someone, that I can learn from all of you and be what God wants me to be.

    Good luck and stay true to God’s Word. God never fails us no matter what we do. God’s love is always true.

  8. I was married 22 years, was born again in 1989, home educated my children for 10 years, trained them in the Word of God trying to live that Word daily.

    This article saddens me. It was sent to me by a woman who is urging me to reconcile with my husband. I am sad for the writer, that the actions of her husband brought her such hardship and the heartless way her treated her. She painted such a bleak picture of life alone with out her husband. That is not the picture I see in my life and by women in my life who have been treated the same terrible way by their husbands. We cannot control ones actions, we are not accountable for them. Life goes on and there is joy and peace beyond a marriage where a man twists the Word of God to control his wife.

    God’s Word is true, we all fall short. To take for granted that a husband will not leave you is a mistake. I would never suggest divorce to anyone, but I can now understand what brings a person to this point.

  9. You are better off without him, honey!

    You’d probably have been plenty lonely if he stayed with you.

    At least you have a daughter, friends, and church. You are rich!

    No need to count the hours till bedtime. There are so many things to do in life! Read, watch TV, rent a movie, etc.

    1. See, you either have no idea why you are in this world or you rebelliously choose not to fulfill your purpose. If you read, you will realize that God saw man’s need and decided to make a woman to fill that need. He didn’t make a woman by herself. To show that she was made to fulfill a purpose, He took her out of the man for that. Without that need in a man , you won’t even exist. Remember, the woman was made FOR the man, not the man for the woman. Until your eyes are opened, you will wallow in your feminist ideologies. You won’t meet your Boaz unless you become Ruth. Saying you don’t need a man, is sticking your middle finger in God’s face. Read the second curse for the woman in Genesis. The serpent had three curses, the woman three curses and the man one curse. Only the man was told WHY he was being cursed. The reason? He listened to and obeyed his woman instead of God. Out of the three species that were cursed, the serpent species, the female species, the male species, Only the female species has been and is tell God “Eff you” I don’t have to be under you! Any society or country run by women is bound to lead to and end in chaos. No wonder, America has only 14 years left. The cry of single, outcast fathers for their abducted children by their bitter mothers dragging them through the courts has reached heaven. Behold His Judgment cometh.

  10. Thank you for your article it’s encouraging. You are not alone God is with you – He’ll be your spouse. I know first hand as I left my husband of 11yrs and after a yr of being away God changed my heart. I was looking for something better, felt I deserved better. God finally got my attention when my husband told me he was tired of waiting on me and didn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror and God had me on the floor sobbing with not a life verse but rather a life chapter – Isaiah 12. God gave me the same realization that he gave you. My husband has moved on, filed for divorce (in that order), says he hates me yet keeps close tabs on me. While we are still married (the divorce is not final) I have been saved, learning and teaching my daughters about forgiveness, letting go of bitterness, and how to be a godly wife. I’m looking forward to reading the Help Meet book. While I wish I had been told all of this sooner while we were struggling, I am grateful that God has seen fit for me to be on this journey and to stand in the gap for my husband and marriage. I know God tried several times to get my attention and glad that He didn’t give up on me. I’m not sure when but I believe God has promised to restore my marriage, I’m here with this wedding ring on till I die. I’m excited for the day when my husband can read training up a child and we can teach our children together. This world encourages us to fail and give up on what God has called us to do, while I’m ‘almost’ 40 I believe I went through this to be able to hold Bible studies and teach younger wives and young ladies who are so wrapped up in things of this world and are blinded that love is a choice. We are to love our husbands when we feel they are unlovable not because we want to, not because they deserve it, but out of obedience to God. Thank you again for this article, now I know for sure I am not alone :o)

  11. I love reading this. Not because I enjoy or wish to linger in the misery but because it is a constant reminder of all that is real and true about living. What we see around us as women is an absolute lie. Eve was the first deceived feminist and the poison has spread through the decades, the centuries. I too went for many years even in church…not saved. Even watched my first marriage destroyed by a hardened heart. I ran, I avoided truth. I remarried, Jesus saved me some time later….yet still I clung to self-righteousness and wanted to bash my husband with my indignation. Poor man, but grace be found among our hearts that Jesus revealed truth to my hardened & parched heart. I am thankful I still have my husband even though many times he wanted to drop me and run because of my own disobedience to the gospel. Thank you, thank you for this poignant truth spoken letter. I pray earnestly for the eyes of young women to be opened & their hearts to soften to God’s sovereign truth. I am but just in my late 30’s and see the poison of feminism that almost destroyed all that I ever dreamed of having. Oh God have mercy on me for my past hardness of heart.

  12. This is my favorite article to read in Created to be His Help Meet. This woman’s pain has been used by God to do so much good. Thank you for including it. I do what you suggest as much as I can. I go back and replace every “when” with “I will”… And I want to do that. I am Paul lately and have been needing to rely on God to help me do what I want to do because I can’t seem to follow it.

  13. its really gdd to to read the story. i believe its big encourgemnt for all the wives, are on the same boat. they can stand against the devil and fight against him in Jesus name. voctory belongs to us. kep the god work high . may GOd bless you.

  14. Now don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly agree with most everything the pearls support, but I do believe that God is merciful beyond understanding. He is merciful to give you wisdom to see your sin in the dissolvment of your marriage, merciful to provide you an avenue to minister to others through your trials, and merciful to bless you with abundant goodness in spite of yourself. God has blessed me in so many areas that I know I didn’t deserve. Just a thought, maybe the middle of nowhere in “God’s country” isn’t the place to be living as a divorced, older woman. I live in New York near the Hudson River. (not in NYC) this truly is a wonderful place to live. It’s farm country married with mountains – hippies baked with hoodlums. There is so much to see and do and experience if you wanted to. There are mountain ranges littered with trails and lakes. There are riverside resturaunts and ferry rides. There are museums and parls of all kinds. There are wool festivals, craft festivals and Medieval festivals. NYC is only a short drive away. I believe “The Screwtape Letters” is currently on Broadway. … You get my drift? You don’t have to sit home alone and spend your days in regret of that which has already been cleansed. Your life is now free and clear. You have no strings attached to your past failures and your opportunities are endless. Get online, apply for a job in a new and exciting place. Meet new people. Go to college. Start a business. Right now you can buy a house in S. Carolina for $12,000 – literally. So what are you waiting for? What is holding you back? The pearls have a lovely setup out there, but it’s not the recipe for enjoying life. Good luck luv.

  15. This testimony brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing this sobering account of the end of a marriage where a woman refuses to submit to her husband and accept him no matter what. I will take heed to what you have shared. God bless you for it! Don’t be discouraged. You are helping other ladies with your words.

  16. Such a good reminder to those of us who think we can do no wrong and blame our husbands for everything. I have been this woman and the Lord is currently working in my life and teaching me to choose joy and love my husband. I am seeing my husband in a new light. I have been so prideful and the epitome of an unsubmissive wife, fully knowing God’s word in regards to this. I had the desire to walk in truth, but failed miserably, on a daily basis. I can’t thank the Lord enough for his PATIENCE and MERCY!! Thank you, Jesus. you are so good! I love you!

  17. Wow, he let his child live in poverty? Nice guy. What is she so sad about? She has her health, she has family, she has a church. She is a lucky woman to be away from such a man. Perhaps her withdrawal from his was due to his poor, ungodly behavior.

  18. I too am guilty of pretty much everything you have listed and sometimes I get so discouraged because I get convicted that I am destroying my marriage and it’s to late.
    Thank-you for coming forward with your story, I needed this today, In truth I needed this years ago, I am praying that I can take what you wrote to heart and apply it to my marriage and pray it isn’t to late to change what I constantly feel will be our eventual outcome.
    Thank-you again for laying it all out in black and white so I could truly see what I was doing to my marriage, you have opened my eyes, now is time for change.