Being That Someone Special

Marriage is hard, single life is hard, and trying to move from one to the other can feel nearly impossible. For many of us, at a time in life when we’ve never bought a car, run a business or balanced a budget, we are picking out the person that will raise our children, determine our happiness and spend our money for the rest of our lives.
As a young person, this choice is daunting; as a parent, watching a young person make that choice is terrifying. So, how do you make the best choice? Or how do you counsel your kids so that they can make a wise choice?
The marriage covenant is not just a promise that you will love this person unconditionally now, but that you will love the person that they will become in some unknown future. Yikes!
Let’s ponder this potentially catastrophic promise and consider how we can better counsel our kids. There is a lifetime of prayer and wisdom in every unique situation that I can’t even begin to speak to, so I won’t. But what I would like to do is to discuss three realms of responsibility that I have observed that impact many couples before and after they get married. This is certainly not an exhaustive list but may be food for thought as you put your own criteria together.
Here are the three categories:

1. Physical Health
2. Mental or Emotional Health
3. Spiritual Health

I have them listed from the least to the most important, from my point of view. However, each one of these will reinforce and overlap with the other two. These are not set in stone; they’re simply my opinion. The Bible tells us that through the council of many, a wise decision is made. I would encourage you to branch out and get copious amounts of advice when it comes to this. At the end of this article, there will be a link. If you’ve been married successfully for a long time, feel free to log on and weigh in so that other young people can glean from the wisdom that has set you apart from the crowd. Just remember, what God has joined together, let no man put asunder…

Physical Health

I am reticent to write this because it seems like such a carnal concern. I have known fitness prodigies that leave me fatigued with their insipid carnality and I have known chronically ill men of God who are noteworthy in their excellence. What I’m talking about here is a moral failing that ends in physical harm. The Bible tells us that meats is for the belly, and the belly is for meats. Paul says all things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient. This isn’t just an area of obedience to God but obedience that will greatly affect your spouse. It stands to reason then that we would consider it when we are considering a life mate.
This may not seem like a big deal when you’re young and you can live off Mountain Dew and Jellybeans, however, it will affect every aspect of your life going forward. If your potential partner gives no thought to their physical well-being now, it will likely not change in the years to come. Someone who eats poorly, doesn’t exercise, and has poor hygiene, will pass all those character traits onto your children. There comes a time in life when an unhealthy lifestyle will cripple your ability to do anything else. I knew a wonderful missionary who was a godly man that died entirely too young because he was obese.
It is no accident that in standard marriage vows we say in sickness or in health. When sickness comes, and it will, it will be a burden for you both. There are certainly factors beyond our ability to control, but there are also risk factors that can be mitigated or even eliminated through self-control. Picking someone with the care and capacity for this self-control is a wise decision that will pay dividends in the years to come.
If you are a young lady picking a potential husband, ask yourself: Is he someone that will lead your family in a way that will see your kids have healthy habits and wise pursuits? Does he sit inside playing video games and eating Cheetos while his mom takes out the trash? Is he active, disciplined and concerned with holiness in his personal habits? Does he use his time wisely or does he waste it while waiting for life to start? The answers to these questions don’t just tell you who he is but who he will become.
If you are a young man interested in a young lady for marriage, ask yourself, “Will she be able to prepare healthy food for the family on a limited budget?” While you may not have the answer to that right now, what you can do is observe if she is wasteful or frugal. If she spends everything she earns and dithers away the time that she has every day, she will likely do the same thing with your money and your children when you’re married. Ask yourself, “Does she display the type of values I want to see reflected in my sons and daughters?” The answer to these questions will affect every aspect of your future…be wise.

Mental or Emotional Health

If physical health is a 4 out of 10 on the scale of importance, mental or emotional health is a 9 out of 10. Everyone falls in love and in the first blush of that affection, they will treat their fair lady as the most important thing in the world. This is not proof
of a kind and loving personality. It is as much an act of selfishness as it is selflessness. We are hardwired to desire to woo a mate, and the most reprehensible reprobate has at some point fallen in love and treated someone like they were the center of their world…until they didn’t.
What matters more than how your potential spouse treats you is: How do they treat their mom? How do they treat their dad or their kid sister? How do they talk to the waitress or how do they talk about their boss?
The primary emotional and mental characteristics that I would like to see in a potential mate is the fruit of the Spirit…love, joy, peace, thankfulness, gentleness, meekness…these are not just words to describe a religious person; they are the character traits of a good man or woman. The difference between a good person and a bad person is how much they reflect the image of God in their day-to-day interactions.

Thankfulness is paramount. Ask yourself, “Is my potential spouse thankful to their parents?” Now, I understand that parents have all kinds of problems; I should know, I am one, and people are not perfect. However, there is something to be thankful for in every person in your life, especially your parents. The measure of a good, young person is not that they're able to put their finger on where their parents went wrong, or what's wrong with their siblings, but that they are able to discuss what good character trait their parents were able to pour into their lives. It isn't naive to say that one loves and appreciates one's parents despite their weaknesses. It is the very mature act of looking past those problems and being thankful for the good things that will cause someone to be a good life partner. 

Joy is not the same thing as happiness. Joy is not dependent upon the circumstance in which you find yourself, but rather, it is an internal resource that springs from the depths of one’s soul. If your potential spouse is full of bitterness and anger at the situation in which they find themselves, that bitterness and anger will eventually turn on you. If a young man or lady displays joy during hardship, their worth will someday be far above rubies.

Peace is a character trait that a young lady should look for in a potential husband. Not tranquility, not passivity, but peace. Slow to anger, quick to show mercy, slow to speak and quick to listen. You may not be able to definitively recognize what will later turn out to be a corrosive attitude, but you can certainly recognize the emotional framework for someone worth partnering with in this life.

Gentleness is one of the most important characteristics a potential spouse can display. Often, a young woman is attracted to the aggressive male or alpha in the pack. But the best alpha knows when to bridle his aggressiveness and be gentle. If a man becomes easily angered and will take that anger out by kicking the family pet, it is unlikely that he will ever be a good father. If a young lady is short and abrasive with her younger siblings, or if she becomes frustrated and then takes that frustration out on people or things under her care, she will likely never have the gentleness to be a good mother. Beware.

Spiritual Health

This is by far and away the most important aspect of finding the right spouse. This is the only one of the three that we have a direct commandment in regard to: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14.
Missionary dating does not work. I have known far too many Christian young people who find somebody that is perfect in every way, except for the fact that they are not followers of Jesus Christ. They will get close together and bring their potential life mate to church with them. As they grow more in love, the person who has not walked with the Lord is willing to adopt Christian tenets and even the Christian name to carry on the relationship. The Christian young person can find a million reasons why the person that they love is perfect in every way, except for this one fact, and so they hold their nose and go on with their relationship, despite the direct commandment from God. The end results are often sad and entirely too predictable. If you’re a Christian, do not consider someone without a testimony as strong as your own. Jesus said, “If ye love me, keep my commandments” John 14:15. If you meet a boy or a girl who is willing to flaunt the commandments of God and have sex with you outside of marriage, stay away. If you meet someone who doesn’t go to church regularly, doesn’t read their Bible, doesn’t think about God when making life decisions, has no prayer life, doesn’t give money for the work of the Lord, and is more interested in tattoos and worldly music than missions and godly pursuits, then you need to understand this is not a follower of Christ. Now, I can’t see what they believe in their heart, but I can see what the belief in their heart drives them to, and it isn’t Jesus. Don’t yoke yourself to that wagon.
If you’re a young person and you’ve read these ideal character traits that you should look for in a spouse, I would like you to ask yourself, “Does this describe me?” Do you have self-control? Are you loving, kind, gentle, merciful, meek, seeking God, have an active prayer life and a clear testimony of salvation? Do you complain about your parents and your siblings to your friends? When was the last time you shared your faith with someone outside of your church? Are you in love with Jesus? If you can’t answer these questions with confidence, then when the right spouse comes along, they may be too discerning to pick you. So, purpose in your heart to be the kind of person that the kind of spouse that you want would pick. Trust the Lord and pursue God wholeheartedly. Don’t wait for life to start when you get married; get busy serving God where you’re at. Serve the Lord with gladness so that when you meet that special someone, they will know that you are someone special.