Church Youth Group
Dear Pearls,
We homeschool our three children. Now that the oldest one has turned 13, we feel under some pressure for him to participate with the church youth and their weekend retreats. I don’t want him to feel left out, but I do feel strongly about his father and I still being the primary influence in his life. Thank you for helping us get this far.
Sue
Pearls Answer
Dear Sue,
We get thousands of letters from our readers and have counseled many. I have known very few parents who feel that their church’s youth group is beneficial. I have heard hundreds say, “The youth group or retreat is where we lost our children or where my daughter, who had never been kissed, got pregnant. It was the youth director that first introduced my son to porn, “etc.” In our counseling, many adults have told me that they lost their virginity on a church-sponsored event and even on the church property. I wish I could write a different story, but we base much of our knowledge on what our readers tell us.
You must create a social circle for your children. It may be limited to just one or two other families who share your world-view, for you can be sure that when a handful of teenagers get together, at least one of them is going to introduce corruption to the others. We never allowed our children to stay overnight with other kids. When they wanted to go down to the local church on Saturday night to skate, Mike went with them. We never allowed them to go to parties unless one of us was there. We created our own fun that was far more exciting than the church gatherings. They never felt they were missing anything
Related Articles
How to Survive the Coming Apocalypse, Part 3: Worst-Case Scenarios
Fear can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Live in faith, thanksgiving, and rejoicing.
The Power of the Media Revisited
I have new information confirming our former hypothesis concerning the recent technological advances in child training and behavior control.
My husband and I are youth sponsers. Meaning we go to youth group, get to know the kids, teach classes, help the youth minister, ect. I will never send MY children to youth group, ever. My children go spend time with their grandma while my husband and I work with these kids. We’ve seen youth ministers council teens caught in sexual sins with- “everyone makes mistakes.” We’ve caught several couples “making out” during youth group time. The youth minister we have now has turned youth group into boys have fun, and girls babysit his daughter while his wife is at work.
Many of the teens in our youth group are from the area, and not from the church. They just want a place to hang out. So we (my husband and I) decided to give our time to teach them as much as we can, and hope that some of it sticks with them.
Our children, on the other hand, have this knowledge already. They aren’t lost souls looking for a savior. They don’t need to be thrown in with kids with few morals, and hope they don’t drown. We will try to reach the lost kids, but I don’t need to lose mine in the process. We also don’t need a minister using our daughter for his own selfishness, and our son as his “buddy.” He has a buddy, it’s his dad, and they are a great team!
Come to think of it, I stopped believing in God my jr year of high school – the year I started going to my friend’s youth group.
I am not going to say one way or another on youth group. I have seen some dynamic truly great things happen in youth group at a couple of churches I have been to and worked with the youth. Then there have been other churches where the youth ministry was terrible. One church I am thinking of called parents cryptonite. My children are 7 and 4 right now. I do not know if my husband and I will send them to youth group or not. Most likely it will depend on a few things– suchas the attitude of the leaders and the group dynamic itself. I can assure you that my husband and I would be involved if we did choose to participate. We do need to guard the influences in the lives of our children so we need to check out their activities including at church and help them learn how to make choices for themselves.
I can understand the perspective of staying away from youth group. In my experience growing up in the church…there were plenty of the typical bad influences. Now, as a parent of five children I have and still do protect my children. my husband makes final decisions for where the children spend time and with whom. we take the approach of thinking through each opportunity (for socialization) as they came up. We have said no a lot…but we also say yes and prepare them by explaining the issues they may face and allowing them to go to an event..youth group thing, etc My oldest became very involved in a youth group of her choice when she was about 15 yrs old. She became commited to helping in leadership..and took interest in leading the younger girl’s Bible studies, etc. She is now a college student and commited to the Lord..she is a joy to be around. My next oldest (now 15) has minimal interest in youth group (that is just his personality)… he is a boy to be trusted to stand for moral behavior and we’d let him go almost anywhere but he likes to hang around his younger brothers and Dad instead:) Anyway, my point is not to be overboard in our thinking. There are some church kids I’d prefer my kids not spend time with…not to mention some homeschool kids as well. In fact, one of the most upright and well mannered influences was a neighbor girl of a different religion than our family. Hmm!? Basically, I see church youth group as a place to gather…some what like an adult goes to church fellowship. My teenagers have brains in their heads..they can separate most of the good from the bad. We will continue to use judgement to always know what is going on with our kid’s social environment.. My husband and I have learned to think things through without fearfulness. It helps to have seen God’s continued protection through the years. God is the best parent! Your youth group may (or may not) have a place in being part of a healthy community and God will lead individual parents who ask Him for wisdom.
@Alison – Michael is speaking in general and what is the norm of the vast majority of youth groups. Those that focus on growth, ministry and service can be very beneficial to the willing participants in developing a heart and skills to continue doing it. Where the focus is on entertainment and self-gratification, youth groups just become a mirror of the world.
The Pearls say they are just going off what their readers tell them. Well, here’s one for the pile, though I doubt it will change anybody’s mind. These fear driven parents are afraid to send their child to youth group, but would never consider going themselves as chaperones so their child can learn to interact in a positive and Godly way with other people? My parents took an isolationist view like this for years, and guess what, it in no way prepared me for adulthood. The minute I could get out in my 20s (yes, that is the age of adulthood just about everywhere else on this planet) I was totally unprepared to deal appropriately with the opposite sex (which is really what all these parents are truly worried about). I made many sad mistakes before becoming wiser on my own. My husband grew up under the nurturing of a Godly youth group where parents of the church discipled and guided him, and he choose his choices wisely, and when he married me he was a virgin. If any set of parents believes they can equip a child fully for adulthood by themselves, they are in my opinion very arrogant. It takes a community! If your churches are such cesspools of sex drugs and porn, find a real church! Oh and I really am not trying to flame here, but most homeschooled kids I know (and I grew up in this movement) actually found porn in their Dad’s internet history – not at youth group. I was no exception. So much for insulation. It’s just the truth, unpleasant as it is.
@Megan – You are attempting to present your own limited experience as the norm. The article does state that there are few good youth groups but on average they are focused on entertainment and immediate gratification. These are the extremes that are being addressed. Those youth groups that are spiritual growth, ministry or service focused would be the exceptions. The Pearls are by no stretch of the imagination
In my opinion, we can’t hide our children under a rock. If you can’t trust your leaders in your church. You probably need to find a new church.
Youth Ministry isn’t ONLY for spiritual development. It’s also for friendships with your peers. Much like Church. If
In Acts we see that the believers were all gathered in one place. TOGETHER… This is about life. Our children need God experiences with their peers.
The majority of homeschool children who backslide are kids who were in a strict household. When they leave the “den” of family, they rebel…. Why not allow your kids to make mistakes and teac
Virginity is important, but sex education basically from cruch is more important.
Virginity is very important. I am not sure what you meant by “but sex education from cruch is more important”, but sex education is very important, especially in helping to maintain sexual purity. I recommend the audio “Sex Education for Children” for parents of young children and the book Holy Sex, booklet To Betroth or Not to Betroth, and the audio Young Adults and Marriage for all parents. They are excellent tools to help parents in addressing the subject of sex with their children. Samuel Learns to Yell & Tell and Sara Sue Learns to Yell & Tell are good resources for parents to protect their children from sexual predators.