Codependency

It seems like every time you turn around these days there is a new “condition” to worry about. When someone gets into an argument, the other person is a narcissist, or the bad decisions that you make are because you are an empath. Maybe your agreeability is too high, or you have ADHD so you can't be expected to behave in a rational, well-ordered way. At this point, I'm fairly certain our conditions have conditions that need to be medicated. Any day now, I am waiting to hear someone tell me that their narcissism has paranoia and it's worried that it won't find an agreeable empath to be codependent with, so it’s becoming depressed.
Now, I understand that there are legitimate conditions that people deal with, and I have known perfectly lovely people who struggle with and overcome obstacles in mental health.
However, I would like to point out that just because somebody names a characteristic does not mean that it requires treatment.
One such trait is codependency in marriage.
I was recently speaking with somebody about marriage. During the conversation, he casually mentioned that the marriage counselor for him and his wife suggested he must overcome codependency with his wife and be independently fulfilled outside of their union. This would allow them to engage in a relationship from a healthy place and not be needy in their marriage.
It struck me how totally contrary the well-meaning Christian counselor's advice was to the Word of God!
There is a widely accepted worldview which says that when you come into marriage, you should be equal partners in all things. The expectation is that both parties must be complete and content on their own before coming together to share parts of their lives.
Friends, that is BAD advice.
God created men and women equal in value before him, but not equal in all things. God created men with huge deficiencies and then he created women to fill those deficiencies inside the blessed union of marriage. The first and only thing in God's creation that he declared was not good was man himself. Because man was incomplete, God created Eve as a help meet to Adam to fulfill the deficiencies that God had allowed to mar his crowning achievement. Not only did she meet the deficiencies in Adam, but together, the two of them were able to exceed the sum of their parts. Alone, no matter how seemingly fulfilled one is, you can never be fruitful and multiply the way God intended; but together, a husband and wife can create a family. From the very beginning, and by their very nature, God created man and woman to be codependent on one another.
The lack of equality between the husband and wife does not mean that one is superior to the other; it means that they are different. 1 Peter 3:7 tells us that in understanding the wife as having a weaker physical body than the husband, the husband should give honor to her. In other words, the husband's physical strength isn't used to lord over his wife in her weakness; rather, the husband's strength is used to serve the wife in her weakness so that he fills her deficiency with his sufficiency.
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. 1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, the wife's ability to carry, feed and nurture small children in a way that a man never could does not mean that the wife is superior; it means she is different. That doesn't mean that after she is with child, she no longer needs her husband; it behooves her to minister an heir to her husband and he to minister to her needs in bringing forth this heir. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, and socially insufficient individuals must find and minister to a mate to receive all the grace that God has to give you in this life.

You are, in a word, codependent.

There is a very good reason that God set the system up this way. This life isn’t designed to fulfill the purpose of your existence. It is a training ground to prepare your heart, soul, and spirit to exist in fellowship with your Creator. In all of eternity, you will never be the progenitor of your own story; you will always be dependent on your Creator for your existence. This does not lessen your intrinsic value, it enhances it. As you receive the good that your Creator has for you, you become more than you ever could be on your own. The fact that you are dependent upon the good that God will add into your life requires you to have faith that in your hour of need, he will be the sustaining force upon which you can depend. Your spouse is no different; that is why when Solomon described the perfect wife, he said she is someone with whom her husband's heart could safely trust. The fellowship that you will have with God in glory is a mature version of the fellowship that you have with your spouse on this earth. God created marriage as a microcosm and a training ground for your soul because he always intended to espouse you to his Son when you join him in his Kingdom.
The codependency of marriage requires you to exercise faith in someone whom you must depend on if you wish to receive all the goodness and grace that life has to offer.
It will also require you to be faithful to someone who has faith in you. This reciprocal relationship is the perfect proving ground to grow your faith for the transcendent relationship that you will have with your maker. God made the husband as the leader and the wife as the helper so that this symbiotic relationship would flourish in a faith matrix. Each partner was deficient on their own but fulfilled in a faith-filled marriage.
True hardship occurs when one partner fails to faithfully fulfill the office that God is calling them to. If a husband fails in his duty to lead, protect, provide for and cherish his bride, she is put in a position that God never intended for her. She is left trying to minister to her husband's God-given deficiencies while he exploits hers. To the same extent, if a wife fails in her duty as the help meet to her husband's leadership, he is left not leading the home but carrying the burden that was designed to be split between them both. This is the unfortunate state of many marriages. Carrying on in this untenable position is something that God never designed you to be able to do and you will rightly feel insufficient for the task because quite frankly, you are. But there is hope! In 2 Corinthians, Paul told us about his insufficiency; he said he asked God to remove the trial that he was dealing with, and God answered him with this…
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
God's perfect plan for our life is not that we find the perfect spouse; rather, that we find the spouse we are perfect for.
Just like most things God gave us for our own good, we are quite capable of warping marriage into a caricature of what it was supposed to be. It is said that “an apple a day will keep the doctor away”, but 400 apples a day will make you sick. We need to have balance and discipline in all things. Sometimes, an unbalanced individual will focus entirely on their own deficiency and the needs that they have without trying to be sufficient to meet the needs of their spouse. This is often called codependency but I would suggest that it is not. I would call this selfishness and faithlessness towards God.
It is also possible to get so focused on your spouse’s insufficiency that you become critical and judgmental over their lack instead of supplying that lack with your abundance. In either case, you are imbalanced and not meeting the needs of your spouse; instead, you are exploiting them for your own perceived gain. I say perceived because if you are able to break them down to the point that their entire life is geared soley towards ministry to you, you will find yourself unfulfilled and discontented in your marriage. You were never designed to only consume the grace of life in your marriage but to add to it continually. The highest level of satisfaction does not come from consuming, but pouring out. If you are able to take your eyes off of your needs and instead focus on your spouse and their needs, you will find that it fulfills you and meets your needs in a way that you could never have articulated.
I believe that God understands me better than I understand myself. In his love and mercy, he provided for me all the emotional, social, and physical comfort that I would need in this life and he hid it inside of my wife. For me to receive that comfort, I must pour out my life into her until she is so filled with the grace of life that it overflows back into me. We are like two sides of one coin… two peas in a pod…peas and carrots… biscuits and gravy… you get the idea. So to make a long story short, my wife and I are codependent, and I wouldn’t want it any other way!