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Created to Be His Help Meet

October 15, 2004
Book Cover

A look into a wonderful new book soon to be published by Debi Pearl

It took four years, thousands of hours, many tears, revisions and distractions, but I finally finished my book. I had no idea God had so much to say to us ladies until I began going through God’s Word verse by verse, writing the different sections of Created to Be His Help Meet. Many times as I read a passage, I would say to my husband, “I’m not going to include those verses in my book because if I do the ladies (of any religious group you can think of including my own) will not like my book or promote it.” My dear husband would say to me, “If God thought it was important enough to inspire it as part of his Word to us, then you should include it.” And so I would cringe and add one more controversial subject after another.

So in obedience to Titus 2, where God commands the aged women to teach the younger women, I have obeyed and given you the very best I can do—27 chapters, 280 pages, including letters from my readers, recounting counseling sessions, wisdom gleaned from my daughters, my own very personal stories, and, of course, the Word of God. It includes subjects as varied as planning meals to answering extremely intimate questions.

Pre-order Sale! The book is now being formatted for print, with Spring Delivery planned. Until January 1, 2005, pre-order and get FREE shipping (USA only; Canada/Foreign-special S&H added). See page 23. All pre-ordered books will be hand-autographed and shipped as soon as they reach our warehouse.

Now here is a short preview (chapter 8, pages 72–87) of Created to Be His Help Meet.

Excerpt from Chapter 8 – Wisdom to Understand Your Man

Three Kinds of Men

Men are not all the same. I have become aware that there are basically three types of men.
The different types are just as marked in one-year-olds as they are in adult men. It seems that God made each male to express one side of his triad nature. No single man completely expresses the well-rounded image of God. If a man were all three types at the same time, he would be the perfect man, but I have never met, heard of, or read in a book of history or fiction of a man who is a proper balance of all three. Certainly Jesus was the perfect balance. Most men are a little of all three, but tend to be dominant in one. And all the training and experiences of life will never successfully make a man into a different type of man. There is nothing clumsier and more pathetic than a man trying to act differently from who he is. Picture John Wayne and Mr. Rogers trying to trade places. As we review the types, you will probably readily identify your husband and be able to see where you have been a curse or a blessing to him.

By the time a young woman gets married, she has developed a composite image of what her husband ought to be like. The men she has known and the characters in books and movies provide each woman with a concept of the perfect man. Poor guys! Our preconceived ideas make it tough on them. They are never perfect—far from it. God gave each one a nature that, in part, is like himself, but never complete. When you add in the factor that all men are fallen creatures, it makes a girl wonder why she would ever want to tie her life to one of these sons of Adam. But God made us ladies to have this unreasonable desire to be needed by a man, and our hormones are working strenuously to bring us together. When a girl suddenly finds herself permanently wed to a man who is not like she thinks he ought to be, rather than adapt to him, she usually spends the rest of their marriage—which may not be very long—trying to change him into what she thinks her man ought to be. Most young girls are married only a short time when they make the awful discovery that they may have gotten a lemon. Rather than to bemoan your “fate,” ask God for wisdom. Wisdom is knowing what you “bought” when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be.
Men are not alike. Your husband most likely will not be like your father or brother or the man in your favorite romance novel. Our husbands are created in the image of God, and it takes all kinds of men to even come close to completing that image. No man is a perfect balance; if he were, he would be too divine to need you. God gives imperfect women to imperfect men so they can be heirs together of the grace of life and become something more together than either one of them would ever be alone. If you fight his inadequacies or seek to be dominant where he is not, both of you will fail. If you love him and support him with his inadequacies and without taking charge, both of you will succeed and grow.

Mr. Command Man

God is dominant—a sovereign and all-powerful God. He is also visionary—omniscient and desirous of carrying out his plans. And, God is steady—the same yesterday, and today, and forever, our faithful high priest. Most men epitomize one of these three aspects of God.
A few men are born with more than their share of dominance and, on the surface, a deficit in gentleness. They often end up in positions that command other men. We will call them Command Men. They are born leaders. They are chosen by other men to be military commanders, politicians, preachers, heads of corporations, and managers of businesses. Winston Churchill, George Patton, and Ronald Reagan are examples of dominant men. Since our world needs only a few leaders, God seems to limit the number of these dominant men. They are known for expecting their wives to wait on them hand and foot. Most of them do not want their wives involved in any project that prevents them from serving him. If you are blessed to be married to a strong, forceful, bossy man, as I am, then it is very important for you learn how to make an appeal without challenging his authority. We will discuss how to make an appeal later in this book.

We receive very few letters from wives of Command Men. These men have less tolerance, so they will often walk off and leave their clamoring wife before she has a chance to realize that she is even close to losing her marriage. By the time she realizes that there is a serious problem, she is already a divorced mother seeking help in how to raise her children alone. A woman can fight until she is blue in the face, yet the Command Man will not yield. He is not as intimate or vulnerable as are other men in sharing his personal feelings or vocation with his wife. He seems to be sufficient unto himself. It is awful being shut out. A woman married to a Command Man has to earn her place in his heart by proving that she will stand by her man, faithful, loyal, and obedient. When she has won his confidence, he will treasure her to the extreme.

She is on call every minute of her day. Her man wants to know where she is, what she is doing, and why she is doing it. He corrects her without thought. For better or for worse, it is his nature to control.

A woman married to a Command Man wears a heavier yoke than most women, but it can be a very rewarding yoke. In a way, her walk as his help meet is easier because there is never any possibility of her being in control. There are no gray areas; she always knows exactly what is required of her, therefore she has a calm sense of safety and rest.

The Command Man feels it is his duty and responsibility to lead people, and so he does, whether they think they want him to lead or not. Amazingly, this is what the public is most comfortable with. Very few people have enough confidence to strike out on their own, plus, the feeling of being blamed for mistakes holds them back. The Command Man is willing to take the chance, and for that purpose God created these king-like men. Their road is not easy, for James said, “My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation” (James 3:1).

On 9–11, when the World Trade Center was destroyed, another plane flying over Pennsylvania was being highjacked by other terrorists. Mr. Todd Beamer was on that plane. It was his voice we all heard saying the now-famous line, “Let’s roll.” He must have been a strong Mr. Command Man. He and others like him took control of a desperate situation and saved many other lives while sacrificing their own. It could have been a terrible mistake, but Mr. Beamer evaluated the situation, made a decision, and then acted upon it. He knew the lives of all those people were in his hands. It was a heavy responsibility, yet he was “willing to do what a man’s gotta do.”

You will remember how strong and queenly his young widow seemed to be when we watched her on TV after the attacks. A good Mr. Command sees the bigger picture and strives to help the greatest number, even if it costs him his life and the lives of those he loves. If he is an honest man, he will take financial loss in order to help lead those who need him, but in the end he will usually come out on top. If he is not an honest man, he will be selfish and use the resources of others to further his own interests.

A King wants a Queen, which is why a man in command wants a faithful wife to share his fame and glory. Without a woman’s admiration, his victories are muted. If a wife learns early to enjoy the benefits of taking the second seat, and if she does not take offense to his headstrong aggressiveness, she will be the one sitting at his right side being adored, because this kind of man will totally adore his woman and exalt her. She will be his closest and sometimes his only confidante. Over the years, the Command Man can become more yielding and gentle. His wife will discover secret portals to his heart.

If you are married to a king, honor and reverence is something you must give him on a daily basis if you want him to be a benevolent, honest, strong and fulfilled man of God. He has the potential to become an amazing leader. Never shame him, and do not belittle him or ignore his accomplishments.

If the wife of a Command Man resists his control, he will readily move forward without her. If he is not a principled Christian, he will allow the marriage to come to divorce. Like King Ahasuerus of Persia, if she defies him, he will replace her and not look back. If his Christian convictions prevent him from divorcing, he will remain stubbornly in command, and she will be known as a miserable old wench.

If a Command Man has not developed working skills and thus accomplishes little, he will have the tendency to tell stories about himself and brag until people are sick of him. If he has left his wife and lost his children, thus has no legitimate “kingdom” of his own, he will be obnoxiously garrulous.

A Command Man who has gone bad is likely to be abusive. It is important to remember that much of how a Command man reacts depends on his wife’s reverence toward him. When a Command Man (lost or saved) is treated with honor and reverence, a good help meet will find that her man will be wonderfully protective and supportive. In most marriages, the strife is not because the man is cruel or evil; it is because he expects obedience, honor, and reverence, and is not getting it, and thus he reacts badly. When a wife plays her part as a help meet, the Command Man will respond differently. Of course, there are a few men who are so cruel and violent that even when the wife is a proper help meet, he will still physically abuse her or the children. In such cases, it would be the duty of the wife to alert the authorities so that they might become the arm of the Lord to do justice.

* Mr. Command will not take the trash out, as a general rule, and he will not clean up the mess at the trash area. He may organize and command someone else to do it. Any woman trying to force Mr. Command into becoming a nice trash man will likely end up alone, trashed by her man.

* Mr. Command will want to talk about his plans, ideas, and finished projects. He will be very objective, very unemotional, and he will not enjoy small talk. His vision is like a man looking from a high mountain; he sees the distant goal. He will expect his wife to help him remember individuals’ needs.

* Mr. Command Man will be most uncomfortable and at a loss when dealing with the sick, helpless and dying. Where there is no hope, there will be no need for a Command Man.

* A born leader is a man who can, when necessary, adapt principles or rules to circumstances, for the greater good of the greatest number of people.

Mr. Visionary

God is a Visionary, like the Holy Spirit. He made some men in the image of that part of his nature. Prophets, be they true or false, are usually of this type. Some of you are married to men who are shakers, changers, and dreamers. These men get the entire family upset about peripheral issues, such as: do we believe in Christmas, should we use state marriage licenses, why a Christian should opt out of the Social Security system, etc. The issues may be serious and worthy of one’s commitment, but, in varying degrees, these men have tunnel vision, tenaciously focusing on single issues. They will easily pick up and relocate without any idea of what they are going to do for a living at their new location. They are often the church splitters and the ones who demand doctrinal purity, and proper dress and conduct. Like a prophet, they call people to task for their inconsistencies. If they are not wise, they can be real jerks who push their agendas, forcing others to go their way. One Visionary will campaign for the legalization of pot, while another will be an activist to make abortions illegal. Most will just sit around the house and complain, but in their souls they are Visionaries.

They are often gifted men or inventors, and I am sure it was men of this caliber that conquered the Wild West, though they would not have been the farmers who settled it. Today, Visionary men are street preachers, political activists, organizers and instigators of any front-line social issue. They love confrontation, and hate status quo. “Why leave it the way it is when you can change it?” They are the men who keep the rest of the world from getting stagnant or dull. The Visionary is consumed with a need to communicate with his words, music, writing, voice, or actions. He is the “voice...crying in the wilderness” striving to change the way humanity is behaving or thinking. Good intentions don’t always keep Visionaries from causing great harm. They can stir up pudding and end up with toxic waste if they are not wise. An unwise wife can add to the poison with negative words, or she can, with simple words of caution, bring attention to the goodness of the pudding and the wisdom in leaving it alone. Every Mr. Visionary needs a good, wise, prudent, stable wife who has a positive outlook on life.

If you are married to one of these fellows, expect to be rich, or poor, rarely middle class. He may invest everything in a chance, lose it all, or make a fortune, but he will not do well working 8–5 in the same place for 30 years, and retire to live the good life. If he works a regular job, he may either not show up half the time or he will work like a maniac 80 hours a week and love every minute. He may purchase an alligator farm in Florida or a ski resort in Colorado, or he may buy an old house trailer for $150.00 with hopes of fixing it up and selling it for $10,000.00, only to find out that it is so deteriorated that it can’t be moved. He will then have the wife and all the kids help him tear the top off and carry the scraps to the dump, saving the appliances in the already crowded garage, and then making a farm trailer out of the axles. Now that he has a farm trailer and no animals, expect him to get a deal on three old sick cows, and…He may never be rich in money, but he will be rich in experience.

Come to think of it, maybe my husband is not a 100% Mr. Command Man, because he seems quite a bit like this Mr. Visionary. I remember on more than one occasion helping him tear down someone’s old barn in order to drag the junk home to fill up our old barn. Remember, most men are a mixture of types, but usually stronger in one.

The wife of Mr. Visionary should be just a little bit reckless and blind in one eye if she is going to enjoy the ride. If this is your man, you need to learn two very important things (beyond how to make an appeal). Learn how to be flexible, and learn how to always be loyal to your man. You will be amazed at how much happier you will be and how much fun life can be if you learn to just go with the flow—his flow. Life will become an adventure. You will actually begin to feel sorry for the gals married to the stick-in-the-mud, steady type. And once you get it into your head that your husband does not have to be “right” for you to follow him, you will FINALLY be able to say, “bye bye” to your overwrought parents, even when they are screaming that you are married to a crazy man. People looking on will marvel that you are able to love and appreciate your husband, but you will know better because you will see his greatness.

Greatness is a state of soul, not certain accomplishments. Thomas Edison, though not recognized as such, was great after his 999th failure to make a light bulb. Were the Wright brothers great when they neglected their lucrative occupation of fixing bicycles and “wasted time” trying to make one of them fly? If the light bulb had never worked and the plane had never flown, and no one remembered their names today; they would have been the same men, and their lives would have still been just as full and their days just as challenging. Did their wives think them great when they used their last dime on another failed idea? If they didn’t, just think what they missed.

The Visionary man needs his woman’s support, and he will appreciate it when it is freely given. Without her, he feels alone. This guy will be a little hard to live with at first. Big, wild fights are the usual beginnings, if a nice, normal girl (who had a Mr. Steady daddy) marries one of “the weird ones”. They will either have a bitter divorce (she divorces him) in the first few years, or she will decide to learn to appreciate him, because he is really rather lovable. I get very few letters from wives married to these high-strung, going-to-reinvent-the-wheel men. I do get lots of letters from their mothers-in-law, asking us to write and straighten out their sons-in-law.

Some of these guys talk with glowing enthusiasm and animation. If you are married to one, he loves to tell you about his newest idea, and he wants your enthusiastic support, not a critique of his idea. He will look at his idea more critically later, but for the moment, the idea itself is invigorating to him. He will have a thousand ideas for every project he attempts, and he will try many that he will never finish, and he will finish some that are worthless, and you “knew it all along”. Remind him of that the next time he has an idea, and you will destroy your marriage, but you won’t change him. He will share his “dumb ideas” with someone else.

Learn to Enjoy the Trip

Several years back, a newlywed couple decided to take a bicycle road trip for their honeymoon. They had the map all worked out and the bikes and camping gear ready. After riding for a couple days, the young wife noticed that her good husband was going the wrong way. She stopped him and tried to show him on the map that he had veered off the course. She had always been endowed with a natural ability to read maps and knew exactly where they were. He was not so gifted and argued that she was dead wrong and insisted that they were headed the right way. Later that day, when he did discover that he had indeed taken the wrong road, he brushed it off and blamed the signs or gave some plausible reason. Again he took the wrong road, and she argued with him. He kept correcting their course, but they were not getting anywhere by its shortest route. She let him know his error. That part of the honeymoon was not very “honeyed.” Nothing would change his mind. He knew he was right, and if not exactly right, then he was as right as could be expected under the circumstances, and criticism was not welcomed.

What could she do? The young wife was not pleased with the way they were relating, and she reasoned to herself that this could become the pattern for the rest of their lives. As she brooded on the matter, it occurred to her that it was very important to him to be right and to be in charge, and it really didn’t matter which road they took. They were taking this trip to be together, not to get somewhere in particular. God, in his mercy and grace, gave this sweet young wife a new heart. She decided to follow him down any road he chose, without question or second guessing. So she cheerfully began to enjoy the beautiful day and the glory of being young and in love as she continued to pedal her bike down a road that was taking them to where every marriage ought to go, even though it was not according to the map.

This little lady is married to a 100% Visionary Man. She started her marriage right, following him wherever he led, regardless of whether she thought it was the right direction or not. She has been flexible and is enjoying her ride. Someday, when her husband is assured that he can trust her with his heart, he will let her be his navigator—and still take the credit for it. The moral to this story is: the way you think determines how you will feel, and how you feel influences the way you will act.

If you are married to the Visionary Man, learn to enjoy the trip, for if he ever does make a better light bulb, he will want you to be the one who turns it on for the first time in public. It will be your face he looks into to see the marvel of what a great thing he has done. You are his most important fan. When you know your man really needs you, you can be happy with just about anything.

Over time, this type of man will become more practical. If you are a young wife married to a man whom your mama thinks is totally crazy—then you may be married to Mr. Visionary. Right now, purpose in your heart to be loyal to him, and to be flexible; then, let your dreamer dream. Lean back and enjoy the ride; it should prove interesting.

The world needs the Visionary Man, for he is the one who seeks out hypocrisy and injustice and slays the dragons. He calls himself and those around him to a higher standard. He knows how to do nearly everything and is readily willing to advise others. In time, he will be quite accomplished in more than one thing.

The Steady Man

God is as steady as an eternal rock, caring, providing, and faithful, like a priest—like Jesus Christ. He created many men in that image. We will call him Mr. Steady—“in the middle, not given to extremes.” The Steady Man does not make snap decisions or spend his last dime on a new idea, and he doesn’t try to tell other people what to do. He avoids controversy. He doesn’t invent the light bulb like Mr.Visionary, but he will be the one to build the factory and manage the assembly line that produces the light bulb and the airplane. He does not jump to the front of the plane to take a razor knife away from a terrorist, unless he is encouraged to do so by Mr. Command. He would never lead a revolution against the government or the church. He will quietly ignore hypocrisy in others. He will selflessly fight the wars that Mr. Visionary starts and Mr. Command leads. He builds the oil tankers and farms the soil, quietly raises his family, content to let his wife do it her way. As a general rule, he will be faithful till the day he dies in the same bed he has slept in for the last 40 or 50 years. Older women who are divorced and have learned by their mistakes know the value of peace and safety and they will long for a nice steady man of his stature, but these men are rarely available—unless their foolish wife leaves them. These men are content with the wife of their youth.

Joys and Tribulations

Being married to him has its rewards and its trials. On the good side, your husband never puts undue pressure on you to perform miracles. He doesn’t expect you to be his servant. You do not spend your days putting out emotional fires, because he doesn’t create tension in the family. You rarely feel hurried, pushed, pressured, or forced. The women married to the Visionary Man look at you in wonder that your husband seems so balanced and stable. The wife of Command Man marvels at the free time you seem to have. If your dad happened to be a Steady Man, then, chances are, you will appreciate your husband’s down-to-earth practical life for the wonderful treasure it is.

One of his weaknesses is the lack of pressure or expectations that exist in the family. Without expectations, goals, and new mountains to climb, a wife may not experience the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat. Everything is so-so, day-in and day-out.

When you are married to a man who is steady and average, and you have a bit of the romantic in you, you may not see his worth and readily honor him. You may be discontent because he is slow and cautious to take authority and make firm decisions. Bossy women can see their husband’s lack of judgment and call their Steady husbands “wishy-washy”. His steadiness makes him the last to change, so he seems to be a follower because he is seldom out front forming up the troops. There is no rapture in him, just a slow, steady climb, with no bells or whistles. You wish he would just make up his mind, and that he would take a stand in the church, or that he would be firm in child discipline. He seems to just let people use him. There are times you wish he would boldly tell you what to do so you would not have to carry all the burden of decision-making.

Some women equate their husband’s wise caution and lack of open passion as being unspiritual. His lack of spontaneity and open boldness may look like indifference to spiritual things. He is like deep, deep water. The very depth makes the movement almost imperceptible.

He will be confused with your unhappiness and try to serve you more, which may further diminish your respect for his masculinity. Disappointment and unthankfulness can make you wearier than any amount of duties. The trials he seems to cause you are really your discontented responses to what you consider to be his shortcomings. If you didn’t attempt to change him into something other than what God created him to be, he would not cause you any grief. His very steadiness keeps him on his middle-of-the-road course, and it will drive a controlling woman crazy. This is why many disgruntled ladies married to Mr. Steadies fall victim to hormonal imbalance, physical illness, or emotional problems.

When a woman is married to a bossy, dominant man, people marvel that she is willing to serve him without complaint, so she comes out looking like a wonderful woman of great patience and sacrifice. A woman married to the impulsive Visionary Man who puts the family through hardships, will stir amazement in everyone. “How can she tolerate his weird ideas with such peace and joy?” She comes out being a real saint, maybe even a martyr. But if you are married to a wonderful, kind, loving, serving man, and you are just a little bit selfish, then you are likely to end up looking like an unthankful shrew. He helps you, adores you, protects you, and is careful to provide for you, and you are still not satisfied. Shame on you!

Know your man

Wives are very much flesh and blood, and, as young women, we don’t come to marriage with all the skills needed to make it start out good, let alone perfect. When you come to know your man for whom God created him to be, you will stop trying to change him into what you think he should be. The key is to know your man. If he is Mr. Steady, you need to learn to be thankful and to honor him as the one created for you in the image of God. God’s word says in Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.” A man who is created steady brings peace and safety to a woman’s soul. Your husband’s gentleness is not a weakness; it is his strength. Your husband’s hesitation is not indecision; it is cautious wisdom. Your husband’s lack of deep spiritual conversation is not a lack of caring; it is simply the cap on a mountain of intense emotions. If he ever speaks of how he does feel, he will most likely tear up.

He wants to please you. “Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man [a wife also] of understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5). You will not need to learn how to make an appeal to him, because your husband is all too willing to hear you.

If this describes your man, you need to learn how to stand still and listen; then let God move your husband in his own good time. Ask God for wisdom and patience. Seek to always have a gentle spirit. Look up “shamefacedness” in the Bible, and learn what it means. Pray for your husband to have wisdom. Stop expecting him to perform for you, to pray with the family, to speak out in witnessing, or take a bold stand at church. Stop trying to stir him up to anger toward the children in order to get him to feel as though he understands how badly you are being treated. Let him be the one whom God made him to be: a still, quiet, thoughtful presence–for you! Command and Visionary Men understand and appreciate him, and they, too, lean on this type man for stability. Learn to seek your husband’s advice on what to do, and then give him time to answer, even if it means days or weeks. Show respect by asking him in what areas he would like you to do some decision making.

Many of these ‘nice’ men prefer their wives to show some initiative. A Command Man tells you what to do and how to serve him, and a Visionary Man wants you to do what he is doing. But, a Steady Man likes a woman to walk beside him, yet grow in her own right before God and him. If you are married to a Mr. Steady, you need to get familiar with Proverbs 31 to know how to be an active help meet to your man. Your husband will enjoy and share your triumphs in business. He will be proud of your accomplishments. He will want you to use your natural skills, abilities, and drives. Your achievements will be an honor to him, but lazy slothfulness will greatly discourage him. Your wasting of time and spending money foolishly will weigh heavily on him, robbing him of his pride and pleasure in you. He needs a resourceful, hard-working woman with dignity and honor. At the end of the day, he enjoys weighing what he has accomplished with what you have accomplished and rejoices in the value of having a worthy partner in the grace of life. This gentle man gets more decisive and confident as he ages. He builds slowly into the good, strong man he was meant to be.

These men can be some of the most important men in the church, because their steadfastness is sure, and their loyalty is strong. They make wise, well-thought-out decisions. They are rarely rash or foolish, although (to their discredit) they will sometimes tolerate foolishness or error without dissent. Their children grow up to highly respect their gentle-speaking dad. If mother has been negative to Dad, the adult children will strongly resent her to the point of disliking her.

Typically, Steady Men do not become as well known as Command or Visionary Men. They are not odd or stand-out men. They are not loud. They are neither irritating nor particularly magnificent. If they do rise to public notice, it will be because of an enormity of achievement, or because they are trusted for their very visible traits of honesty and steadiness. Women and men alike envy and desire a Command Man. People are often drawn and compelled by the Visionary. But the Steady Man is taken for granted. He is seldom a campaigner. He is needed, but not flashy enough to win the spotlight. If you are married to a man like this, you must realize how vital your man is to the functioning of society. He is the heart and the backbone of it.

The vast majority of my letters are from women criticizing their laid-back, quiet, slow, unassuming, undemanding, hardworking husbands for their “carnal” habits. These wives have forgotten to have a life of their own, so they spend their time trying to remake their husbands into dominant types because they admire leadership, authority, and clout, but don’t have a clue about the demands that come from being married to a dominant, bossy man.
Most of this book has been written to help young wives learn to honor, obey, and appreciate the Steady Man just as he is. Chances are, you are married to a gentle, Steady Man, and it may be a real struggle for you, because he does not capture your attention as does the Command Man. And, he does not demand as much of you as the Visionary Man. If a man speaks with a voice of absolute authority and conviction, people just automatically tend to obey, whether he is right or wrong, but if a man speaks with a kind, hesitant voice, it is natural for a disobedient wife to question him. Therefore, the wife of Mr. Steady has to always be on guard lest she become a shrew. If a wife dishonors her gentle husband and takes control, he will most likely stay with her; they probably will not divorce. But her dishonor will cause him to lack the confidence to further his business opportunities. He will become satisfied with the mediocre, because it involves no risk. He will know that he pulls the plow alone, that he has no helper. Yet, if that same man had married a thankful, creative woman who delighted in him, and thought he was the smartest, wisest, most important fellow around, then he would have risen to the occasion in every area of his life. When a mediocre man marries a hard-working mediocre lady, they can become a special couple that people revere for their steady love, joy, wisdom, and peace.

Mr. Steady may take the trash out and always keep the area clean, yet his wife will be prone to take his goodness for granted.

* He will be in quiet contemplation much of the time. It will drive his wife crazy, because she will long for him to share his deepest feelings and thoughts with her so she can ‘feel’ loved. He cannot, simply because he has not yet developed a way to communicate his thoughts and feelings to her, and because when he does try to share them with her, he is uncomfortable. He might even cry during times of stress or intimacy. When he tries to express his love by serving her, she will feel that he is groveling for her favor. He is very, very slow to come to trust and open up to the woman he loves, because he does not understand her. He will enjoy the company of others and be most comfortable spending time in small talk with whoever is around. Of the three types, he is the one that will be most liked by everyone.

* Mr. Steady is always in demand. People everywhere need him to fix a car, build a house, set up their computer, figure out what’s wrong with their phone, heal them of cancer, and the list goes on and on. You begin to wonder if you will ever have him all to yourself. The answer is, no. He belongs to people. When it is time, or past time, for some special time alone, take a vacation and leave the cell phone at home.

* The Steady Man is wonderful with those who are hurt, sick or dying. He loves to comfort, and seems to know what a person needs in times of great sorrow. His still, quiet presence brings peace. To the Command Man and the Visionary Man, this is nothing short of a miracle. A Steady Man thrust into a Command or Visionary Man’s position or job will be stressed and, in the end, unsuccessful. He is not meant to lead, but to support.

* He does not focus on the eternal picture. He is not looking through a microscope at the details nor through a telescope at the promise of what can be, but he does respect both views as important. His vision is as a man seeing life just as it is. He can shift his sights to the sky and know there is more up there than he can see, and he wonders about it. Or, he can stare into a muddy pond and appreciate that there is a whole world in there that he knows nothing about. In most of life, he is a bridge between the other two types of men. He is a very necessary expression of God’s image. His wisdom comes slowly and thoughtfully as he considers those around him. His wife may not see him as grand as Mr. Command or as spiritually motivated as Mr. Visionary, but she can help him by allowing him to grow without battering him with doubts and rebuffs. He only needs time and peace. These two are the hardest things for a woman to grant. Of the three different kinds of men, it is more important that Mr. Steady get a help meet who likes him just as he is.

“Ruination” Wife’s Summary

a) The wife of Mr. Command man can ruin her marriage by failing to honor, obey and reverence her husband’s authority and rule.
b) The wife of Mr. Visionary can ruin her marriage by failing to follow, believe and participate as an enthusiast in her husband’s dreams and visions.
c) The wife of Mr. Steady man can ruin her marriage by failing to appreciate, wait on, and be thankful for her husband’s pleasant qualities.

Successful Wife’s Summary

a) The wife of Mr. Command can heal her marriage by becoming his adoring Queen; honoring and obeying his every (reasonable and unreasonable) word. She will dress, act, and speak so as to bring him honor everywhere she goes.
b) The wife of Mr. Visionary can heal her marriage by laying aside her own dreams and aspirations and embracing her role as help meet to her man, believing and being willing to follow the path he has chosen with joyful participation.
c) The wife of Mr. Steady can heal her marriage by joyfully realizing what a friend, lover, and companion she has been given and living that gratitude verbally and actively. When she stops trying to change him, he will grow. She can, then, willingly take up tasks that will fill her time and give her husband joy and satisfaction when he sees her productiveness.

- Debi Pearl

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6 comments on “Created to Be His Help Meet”

  1. I am in the middle of reading this book, "Crated to be his Help Meet." Although, I am not married I am finding it to be extremely fascinating. I am engaged and my Man and I are both Christians. i will tell you right now that the both of us have never been happier in our relationship. This book is helping me to understand what God asks of me as an upcoming wife. It is really an inspiration of God's word.

  2. Excellent, Tina!

    May we recommend also Debi's new book, Preparing To Be A Help Meet? It is available in the NGJ Web Store or you may call toll-free 1-866-292-9936.

    The NGJ Staff

  3. i am inquiring about the "not speaking in church." is this literally not speaking? u sed no praying, prophesying in ur book. i relly want to do whats right but i have a real confusion with somthing. is there anyway we could talk, debi? my husband an i coteach a couples class...he hates to read an study but i lov it...greek for one. so when he teaches somtimes he asks me about a greek word or if i remember reading somthing about what hes teaching i raise my hand and this wrong?

  4. Love this! I am so glad to have found it!!! Referred a friend to your blog and printed a copy of this for my self and one for my daughter.
    My boyfriend is a commander and a visionary~ each day in different proportions. This gives me great insight into his needs~~ Thank You So Much!!!