Deceptions & Distractions for Wives

Why do so many women divorce in midlife? Is there a source to this madness? Is there something we can point to that would explain the divorce phenomenon that is causing so many families to be ripped apart?
Well, I have the answer, but you won’t like it. Sister, the problem is you.
I know this is a bold claim coming from someone you’ve probably never met, but I can say it is because I have had intimate experience with rock bottom. And then I climbed my way out.
This article is going to be hard to digest for many of you, but I am writing it because the difficulties in my early marriage caused heartbreak that I hope to help you avoid.
At this point you must be wondering, “Who in the world is this woman telling me anything?” My name is Beth Determan. I have ten children and two grandchildren. My family is my greatest accomplishment and blessing from the Lord, and through them I have learned many hard lessons. I created a Facebook marriage group where I counsel wives. You should know that despite how it might seem at first, I did not grow up a Christian—AT ALL. I know all too well the struggles of the world. Born into a broken home, I was a victim of sexual abuse, and domestic abuse was a daily occurrence. If you can picture the worst of everything in life, I lived it.
In the midst of this, I met my husband and the love of my life. But he didn’t mean those things to me back then. At the time, he was just a cute 17-year-old boy with a cool truck, and I was a 15-year-old girl with big ideas. Neither one of us was saved.
When I was 18 and he was 20, we got married right out of high school. Going into marriage, I had all the wrong ideas plus a bad attitude. My rude, selfish, and disrespectful behavior nearly cost me my marriage. Praise God for his infinite grace—we sure needed it!
Now, after being married for 26 years, I am a new person.
The Facebook marriage group was a burden that God placed on my heart. I had the testimony and the experiences to bless countless women. It is truly proof that God makes all things beautiful, for he turned the darkest and hardest moments of my life into a mighty example of his transformative power. It is because of my experiences at rock bottom, and the struggles that I endured as a young wife with no knowledge of the saving grace of my Savior, that I get so frustrated listening to wives complain about their husbands. After countless hours spent talking with women, I go crazy every time I hear someone say, “I wish he would lead our family spiritually.”
Wives! If you know God, then you should also know that true spirituality is obeying God‘s recorded word, not cultivating your “spiritualness” by making excuses for your actions. It is a grave mistake when we twist the Bible to suit ourselves and condemn our husbands at the same time.
Are you actually reading the Bible? There are plenty of evil men who wickedly mistreat their wives. But that doesn’t give you allowance to disregard God’s word and blaze your own path to “personal fulfillment.” No woman has ever been happy or fulfilled by neglecting to obey God in regards to her role as a wife.
Stop pointing the finger at your spouse. Stop looking for issues in your husband or reasons that he needs to be better.
The road to divorce seems pretty harmless at first. A little nagging comment here and there, a dissatisfied feeling that won’t go away . . . You begin to question your husband’s ability to lead, and then eventually you decide that you could do a better job than he. This imbalance creates strife in your home, and soon you have convinced yourself that you are not only better off without your husband, but that you are following God’s will in divorcing him, making good decisions for your family. This process might take years to complete, but if you nurture a bitter heart and feed your irritation long enough, it’s a pretty easy path to follow.
And, many do. By the time most wives enter their 30s, they have extensively practiced emotional manipulation with their husbands to the point of teetering on mental instability. They have spent many years of their lives irritated and frustrated with their husbands and having daily hurt feelings, then responding in bitterness, disrespecting him in public, making him into a bad guy, instead of practicing being thankful and joyful, giving grace, and supporting him through hard times. You need to lift him up when everything inside you is telling you to tear him down. Not because he deserves it, or even because you think it will make your marriage better. Do it because God said so.
Take every thought captive and tell yourself the truth. Know that your feelings are not facts. Be aware that the devil is walking about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. His primary victims will be your children, and it starts with you.
Ladies! Stop falling for worldly lies. Don’t convince yourselves that you are emotionally or mentally “abused.” This is a trap designed by Satan to make you leave your husband and leave your children vulnerable. Trust me, I grew up in an abusive home. I know firsthand what it looks like because I’ve lived it.
Learning to reverence your husband is crucial and it should never be based on performance. He is your man and your head. God has given him a huge responsibility in providing for and protecting you and your children. That is God's design. Embrace it.
The biggest mistake we make as wives is listening to the world before God. Any time we open ourselves up to worldly influence, we become vulnerable to Satan. His biggest goal is to destroy your family. He can do this through anything, but I think his most effective weapon today is social media. Truly, it is alarming how easy it is for us women to become addicted to the stuff. We feed ourselves what we think is knowledge, even though it is pointless fluff meant to distract us. Can you spend the same amount of hours in your Bible as you do on your phone?
I have never seen such a self-absorbed generation in my life! Girls, stop looking at the emptiness the world offers. Get rid of the distractions that are keeping you from focusing on your own family. Social media is vain and empty. Your marriage and your children are priceless.
I know that offering forgiveness to your husband isn’t easy, especially if he doesn’t deserve it. But then again, neither do you. Remember that Jesus offered us the ultimate grace and forgiveness we did not deserve. With an example like that, how can you not also offer endless grace and forgiveness to your husband? Can you stop trying to be his conscience and let God lead? Instead of nagging him, can you pray over him if he has sin or character issues? Can you hold his heart in confidence, knowing that God hears you and no one else needs to? There is a huge difference between being your husband‘s helper and being his conscience. You are not the Holy Spirit in his life. I promise that God can do a much better job of leading your husband than you can. So, let him! Give your husband room to make mistakes and grow in leading your family with you as a firm help meet, holding him up from behind. You are his lover, not his mother!
In conclusion, I want to remind you of this truth: Your husband will make mistakes and have faults (just like you). Can you reach the bar you have held so high for him?
I don’t think you can. Neither can I. So instead of pointing out his flaws, learn to communicate without accusing and let God do his work with your man. As a result, God will do a mighty work in you!
He did it for me. After 26 years of marriage and all of the hard lessons I have learned, the most important one is this: Marriage will bring you closer to the Lord in the best way. Trust God’s design, for he is the ultimate marriage counselor.