Giving Over Authority

One of the most difficult things to get right as a parent is the handoff of authority that your children need to experience in their teen years. The time to be thinking about this is now, not when they’re 17 years old.

The Bible says for children to obey their parents. It goes on to say that they should honor their father and mother.

I am 45 years old; it would be odd for me to call my 78-year-old dad and ask him what time I have to be home tonight. As an adult, it is no longer my responsibility to obey my earthly father; it is my responsibility to honor my earthly father. At some point between birth and now, there was a handoff of authority. His authority over me receded and was replaced by God’s authority in my life.

The Bible says in Psalm 111:10, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments . . .”

There is a good reason for this. Every wise choice is made with the understanding that all power resides with God. Every decision that one makes should be made considering that hierarchy.

And in Luke 12:4–5, “And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.”

Now you could look at a wealthy guy and say that many of his decisions must have been wise because he got rich. But the Bible says in Mark 8:36, “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”

When you are raising teens, it is helpful to understand the difference between power and authority.

Think of it like this: If pirates were to capture a ship and hold everyone at gunpoint, the pirates would have power over that vessel. They would not, however, have authority over that vessel.

Power, simply put, means the ability to affect the thing. Authority means the legally recognized right to direct the thing according to your will. All power begins and emanates from Jesus Christ, the Creator. There is nothing that is not put under his power, and after his resurrection, his authority.

Now I will speak to you as a father because it is the position that I’ve lived through.

I understand that the authority I have in my home is animated by the power that comes from the throne of God. I am a minister of that power, not the progenitor of that power. In other words, the power rightfully belongs to God, and I am administering it on his behalf.

As my children grow into adulthood, the authority that I have over their decisions should be handed over to them by degrees until they have free agency under God. If I cling to that authority until they recognize the truth, that I no longer have the power to animate that authority, they will jump ship.

If my home is ordered appropriately, I will understand that from an early age in my child’s life it is my responsibility to prepare them for the authority that they will have over their own lives. This means that incrementally I will increasingly hand off responsibility and authority so that day by day they are prepared to make well-informed, wise decisions.

I realize this is somewhat esoteric, but it is foundational to understanding our responsibility as parents. However, let’s look at this from a practical standpoint.

When my daughter was 4 or 5 years old, she loved a disgusting beverage called Bug Juice. It was basically poorly flavored Kool-Aid in a plastic bottle with a picture of a bug on it, but to a 5-year-old it was transcendent. Naturally she did not get to partake often, but on special occasions she would enjoy the delectable delight that was Bug Juice.

One day when she was about 5, we stopped for gas and she asked to get a Bug Juice. Because I recognized that I needed to begin to build in her the confidence to act with authority, I agreed and handed her five bucks. “Go in, pick out the one you want, give it to the lady at the counter, and pay for it with this,” I told her with apparent certainty that she could handle this daunting task.

I went back to pumping gas and ignoring her as far as she knew. She looked at me, looked at the $5, and figured if I thought she could do it, then she could do it. She walked into the gas station with autonomy and free agency to collect her prize.

Unbeknownst to her, I was watching her like a hawk. As soon as her back was turned, I checked for traffic in the parking lot, I shadowed her as she walked through the door and peeked through the window to watch her as she walked back to the cooler. I kept my eye out for perverts or thieves or anything that could harm my precious little girl. She walked up to the counter and placed her treat and $5 in front of the somewhat startled clerk. She got her change, receipt, and Bug Juice and turned to come back to Daddy. I quickly hoofed it across the parking lot and pretended to be pumping gas without paying any attention to her as she returned to the vehicle.

It was so fun!

This was the beginning of me teaching her to handle the responsibility of authority with wisdom and maturity. As she grew and gained more and more autonomy, we spent hours talking about the morality and wisdom of choices. I intentionally handed the God-given power I had over her back to God, from whence it came.

Eventually we both understood that the power to which she was responsible from this point forward was her heavenly father and not her earthly father.

By the time she was 15 or 16 she needed little or no direction from me. We talked about the consequences of choices, and she would come to me for advice, but we both recognized that her responsibility was to the power of God, not the power of Daddy.

I never experienced terrible teens. There was no struggle in our home and no rebellion by my children. They are all grown now and live in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Now, I understand that good training and good teaching are not the same thing, but we can talk about that another time.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)