For those of you who have read our love story (Mike & Debi), you know that we were only “engaged” six days. We had known each other for over four years, had worked together in ministry every weekend, were together for Bible studies during the week, and as our pastor, Mike dropped in at my family’s home for supper about twice each week. We knew each other well. Ours was a strange working relationship. I was often with him on his dates with other girls. Yep, you read that correctly. He would plan some big outreach where he needed someone to counsel with the females that responded to the gospel, and I was his go-to helper. He usually had a date with him. So there we three were, him driving, his cute little date in the middle and me sitting by the window. I would lean forward so we could discuss our upcoming meeting, while his cute Little Miss sat between us. At the time, we were both so focused on the task at hand that I don’t even remember thinking how weird the situation was. His dates NEVER added anything to the ministry, which I probably took pleasure in. Looking back on those days, I think he might have been a little naive.
One Monday night, after attending a prayer meeting—just he and I—out of the blue, I said, "You remember that little boy you baptized Sunday night? Well, I want to give you a son just like that." After a few runs around his house he came running back, threw me in the air and said, “Let’s get married next Sunday.” So, I guess you could say, depending on who is telling the story, that he proposed…but I am telling this story so I think I did. During this very short courtship, Mike came to me in all seriousness and demanded, “Go to the dentist and get your teeth fixed!” I always knew Mike was a bit particular, but this even stumped me. “Why? There is nothing wrong with my teeth.” Again, “GO anyway; your daddy makes a lot of money and I don’t, so go to the dentist and if anything is wrong, get it fixed before the wedding.” I ignored him. There was nothing wrong with my teeth and there still is nothing wrong with my teeth 55 years later.
At the time, I didn’t know that psychology teaches that “Caution is a form of intelligence.” I guess he was demonstrating his intelligence. For most young couples who think that they have found their only true love, caution is unromantic and not part of their vocabulary. But it should be.
Whom you marry, and, more directly, their worldview, will decide, among other things, your health, their health, marriage, income, and the health of your offspring. Common sense should teach you that a man who is given to excessive drink (even soft drinks), junk food, and a lack of good work habits, may be wonderful, but will have health issues. A young man seeking a wife needs to consider the girl’s health habits. If she doesn’t have a clue about health, and is not interested in learning, then pass her by. Your life might depend upon it. So, the first thing to consider before getting involved with someone is their habits and lifestyle.
The most significant area of health is attitude. Baring accidents or odd diseases, good health is greatly affected by a person’s attitude. Attitude is framed by our thought life. God says in Proverbs 23:7 about man, “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Most people never realize how attitude impacts the body and mind. The famous Rosenthal effect proved this. Google defines the Rosenthal effect as: “A psychological phenomenon where higher expectation placed upon individuals leads to improved performance, acting as a self-fulfilling prophecy.” Basically, the research demonstrated that when a person is told their test scores reveal they are brilliant, they will suddenly begin to perform at a much higher level. The final analyst of the Rosenthal effect proved that 89 percent of people who were tricked into thinking they were on a higher intellectual scale, did, in fact, test substantially higher. Attitude determined how smart they were, how successful they were, and how much risk they were willing to take because they believed they would succeed. This research also revealed the negative effects of poor attitude—poor expectations—on the body and the mind.
Stanford researcher Lucia Aronica said, “Our beliefs and our feelings shape our epigenetics.” Google defines Epigenetics as: “The study of how behaviors and environmental factors (diet, stress, toxins) cause reversible, inheritable changes in gene expression without altering the underlying DNA sequence.” She says only about 25 percent of our health issues stem from our DNA; the rest comes from our beliefs and our feelings BECAUSE our beliefs and feelings (attitude) determine what we eat and how much, how much we move (exercise), and how satisfied we are in life (lower cortisol, higher dopamine).
A wise person who is seeking marriage should avoid anyone who has signs of bitterness, unhappiness, moodiness, anger, laziness, and even someone who fashions themself as being sensitive. Not only are negative feelings hard to navigate in relationships, but they also steal health, vitality, creativity, and motivation. Instead, a young man or woman should be looking for someone who is filled with joy and thanksgiving, someone who is purposeful and hardworking, someone who forgives easily. Good health starts here. Good loving starts here.
So, the bottom line is: If you want to be happy, healthy, and productive in your marriage, and if you want your children to be happy, healthy and productive, choose wisely based on habits, attitude and productivity. And if you suspect there are troubling issues, be wise enough to walk away before the knot is tied.
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. 3 John 4
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From our experience as a pastor and wife, the first thing a married couple who need counseling must deal with is their immorality before they were married. They need to confess and forgive each other and receive God's forgiveness before they can build their marriage.