How to Negotiate With Your Children

Negotiation is a critical life skill. As responsible parents, we ought to teach our children negotiation early, as they will need it in every facet of life. But be warned; if you enter negotiation with your children for the intent of securing their obedience, you are simply negotiating the terms of your surrender.
Here’s an example:
Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend when I saw a tragic interaction between him and his son that was apparently so common that nobody thought anything of it. The father, while talking with me, paused and asked his son to hand him a book from the end table. The book was a short distance away, and the request seemed so simple that you wouldn't think there would be any pause in obedience from the 7-year-old boy. But there was a pause. He stood there looking at his dad for a few seconds in silence as he pondered the request. After careful consideration, he turned from his dad to his mom and said, “Where is my firetruck?” It seemed odd to me that he suddenly desired the firetruck, which he had shown no interest in 30 minutes beforehand. What I did not yet understand, was he was entering into negotiation to control the situation and establish dominance over his father. The mom stopped her conversation, I had stopped my conversation, and now everyone in the room was attentive to the desire of the young man to have his firetruck. The father reiterated to the son, now in a slightly lower, commanding voice, “Hand me that book”. The seven-year-old glanced between mom, dad and us—the guests— while a look of transparent cunning crossed his face. He then proceeded to ignore his father and in a high-pitched, panicky voice directed at his mother, he said: “Where is my firetruck”? The whole situation was now tense as we were all unsure of what would happen next. Was there about to be an embarrassing episode of unhinged screaming while the guests looked on awkwardly? Or were we somehow going to sidestep this drama and find an amicable solution that would be satisfying to all parties? Into the silence, the mom—who was also ignoring the father—said to the young man, “I don't know, where did you put it?” Dad, who had been totally forgotten along with his request, said in an uncertain voice, “Don't worry about the firetruck; hand me that book.” The young man, now aware that he had gained almost total supremacy, went in for the final blow. Turning his misty eyes back to his father, he slumped his shoulders forward and said in a pitiful voice, “But where
is my firetruck?” Dad, who only wanted to diffuse the situation and avoid a meltdown, looked around and spied the truck and gestured to Mom that it was under the same table that the book was on. Mom picked it up and tossed it to Dad, who handed it to the son and said, “Now hand me my book.” The son, having successfully divested the father of leadership, happily took three steps, picked up the book, handed it back to Dad, set the firetruck down with disinterest, and went on about his business. Seeds of sorrow now sown, watered, and weeded.
The family returned to their conversations, secure in the knowledge that through the expert negotiating tactics of the father, they had averted the crisis that could have affected the tranquility of the family. Or so they thought.
Now, this whole episode was a teachable moment. One could say every interaction with a young child is a teachable moment. Your children are learning about their place in the world from every interaction they have with you. Are they valuable? That isn't answered in words; it's answered in your time spent looking at your cell phone instead of into the face of your child. Do you value your time with them more than you value whatever is on that screen? Don’t tell them, show them!
In this scenario, what the young man was learning is how to control his environment. Now, as a soft-hearted, loving father, it may be that you don't want to have an interaction with negative implications; in other words, to force your will onto the situation. Instead, you give up and allow your 7-year-old to force his will into the situation. But let’s consider what he's learned from this entire episode. In his mind, the proper way to conduct a reasonably ordered relationship with him as “the boss" is to use emotional manipulation and social pressure. If he can carefully balance a petulant and angry persona without crossing an invisible social line, he can rise to the top of his social hierarchy. I believe that the character of a young man is established primarily before 5 and it is solidified between 5 and 10 years of age. So, let's take this scenario and apply the same principles to a 25-year-old married man trying to make his way through life. How should he act or react in his marriage? Everything that he has learned about life would suggest that the appropriate thing to do is use emotional manipulation and social pressure to control his wife. Friend, that is a toxic young man who must unlearn everything that he “knows” if he's going to be a good and godly leader in his home. The seeds of sorrow that were sown at 7 may not mature for 20 years, but they will color every interaction and relationship in his life from here on out. Furthermore, the interaction of the 7-year-old was not new ground for this family; it was the type of interaction that has been learned by watching his parents from the time he was old enough to walk. Every moment is a teaching moment.
Leadership and responsibility go hand-in-hand, and by allowing this interaction to take place, the father has abdicated his obligation as the family leader to a 7-year-old boy who is in no way equipped to grow the family in wisdom and truth. If we as parents accept the responsibility of our home’s leadership, then we can show our children what a good leader ought to look like. We can show authority paired with compassion that blesses those who fall under the scope of this authority. A young man raised in that environment is a completely different kind of leader.

So, let's look at this story again. Only this time, we'll handle it the way I would in my home.
If I told my 7-year-old son to hand me the book, then that is what would happen. I'm not going to negotiate or change my expectations based on the willfulness of my son; rather, as the authority,
I will change his expectation to match my own. This isn't done so that I can lord over him; it is done because the reality is, there is no equality in our relationship. The leadership of the home belongs to me, and it is my responsibility and privilege to order the structure of my home. It is with this understanding that I teach him to be a good and compassionate leader by being a good and compassionate leader myself. So, if I say to him, “Hand me that book”, and he says, “Where is my firetruck”, my response is, “You disobeyed me”. I want to convey at this point that I am not angry. I'm not even overly disappointed. Instead, I am surprised that he thought it was appropriate to rebel against me. Now, the consequences of the disobedience may vary depending on the situation. It could involve spanking or a conversation about instant obedience, but what would not happen is a negotiation in order to obtain that obedience. At the end of the conversation,
and/or the spanking, I would reset the scenario, go back to my seat, and say, “Hand me that book.” If he again rebels, then the chastisement grows, and I would reset the scenario until I had instant obedience.
Once he handed me the book the way I originally asked, I would set

the book aside and comfort him, reaffirming my love towards him. This is because while my authority is absolute, my love is unconditional. Because I love him, I will not allow him to live life thinking that he can rebel against authority without consequence.
A few years ago, I saw a video where a 19-year-old gangster had been found guilty after committing some atrocious crimes. It was time for his sentencing, and rather than display contrition for his horrible actions, he smarted off to the judge who was about to hand down the sentence that would determine his freedom for the next decade. The judge asked him if he had anything to say and his response was, “I ain't got time for this you stupid, old fool.” The judge gave him the maximum sentence.
It is unfortunate that his family failed to provide context of proper leadership. That gangster stood in the courtroom and thought that there was parity between himself and the judge. He came to that conclusion, not through study or information, but because as a child, he was able to force his will onto any situation by acting obnoxious and having everyone else tiptoe around him so as not to set him off. The seeds of sorrow sown at seven years old were harvested that day in the courtroom.
Now the truth is, I was never put in that position with my children. If you act as a godly, compassionate leader when your children are 2, then by the time they are 7, they understand how the world works. They will not rebel against authority because they know that the outcome would be negative. I never experienced the “terrible twos” or the “ferocious fours” or even the “turbulent teens” with my children because I provided clear and decisive leadership. My children are some of my best friends and my favorite people in the world! These days I see them as peers rather than children to be under my authority because they have matured to be godly leaders themselves. They didn't become the amazing people that they are by accident but through the clear and well-ordered leadership of a godly home.