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Husbands and Wives in the Making

April 15, 2009
Boy and Girl

When my husband began looking for a wife, he had already decided that he wanted to be married to a smile, and so that is what he went looking for. He found a smile when he met my mom, and so, with a little deduction, he knew her daughter was the girl for him. He reasoned, if the mother is happy, the daughters are likely to follow suit.

In raising my little girls, I am conscious of the need to produce smiling wives who will be stable, secure, strong, confident, happy, submissive, and full of life.

It is readily apparent in three-year-olds what kind of wife or husband they will become. It is a broader way of looking at training. But we are not content to just train them to sit still and be courteous and obedient, never interrupting adult conversation. More important, are we instilling the personality and character that will make them good wives and mothers?

strong in spirit

As my husband and I were traveling this past summer, we met lots of wonderful, obedient children. But if you project their attitudes and temperaments into grown bodies, there weren’t many that I would select as husbands for my daughters. It wasn’t because they were mean or obnoxious. They were something even more distasteful—many were sweet, kind, and soft “mama’s boys.” I know, some of you are about to say, “But that is how I wish my husband was; if he would just care more about my feelings or be more gentle, then I would be so much happier. I am going to make sure that I raise a son who will be loving and caring about a girl’s feelings, and be willing to sit and listen and spend time talking with me.” I have seen a few men like that, and, oh yes, they are sweet to the point where you wonder if they truly are men. God created men to be men and women to be women, so let’s take his cue and start raising men and women in the image which God intended them to be. That means mothers letting go and fathers stepping up to the plate.

I met many happy, beautiful young ladies while traveling, and they all said the same thing: “There are no men; just mama’s boys—and who wants to be married to that?”

We met one family that had a son who was all over the place; he wanted to do it all. He was the only son in a houseful of women; his dad worked out of the house. Yet this boy was a man all the way, and even at that young age it was obvious that he will be a real man, a leader, kind and strong at the same time. That is what you need to be raising for my daughters, Gracie and Laila. He already manifests leadership qualities—most notably, manly dominance.
I observed as he and Gracie were playing. She got into the driver’s seat of the play car. He told her that being the man, he was going to do the driving, but if she married him, he would give her a debit card. She readily agreed. Smart girl.


Every child I met was different. Some were shy. Some bold. Some weak, and some strong. We must be honest and objective in relating to our children. If your son is sensitive and caring, God can use him in some service or ministry that needs compassion. But do not let yourself cater to the sensitive and caring side of that child. Carefully and patiently steer him to be tough in order to be able to face the trials of life.

If your daughter is sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily, starts coming to you for sympathy, complaining of ill-treatment by others, just smile and say, “Well, that is his problem, not yours. We will try to help him have a better attitude.”

Show your daughter how wonderful life is by being an example of joy and creativity. Treat your little boys like men, and expect manly responses. Don’t demand that they be sensitive like girls.

If your daughter is not a servant by nature, you must give more time and attention in training her. Example is an indispensable teacher. When she sees you always serving Daddy, she will adopt your attitude.

It is sometimes hard for us as parents to see the weaknesses in our children. So never be afraid to ask a friend if they see something you are missing. My daughter will need a MAN in about eighteen years. I am particular. She will be too. So don’t come knocking if you are not training up a boy in the way a man should go.


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10 comments on “Husbands and Wives in the Making”

  1. So we are trying to create a generation of slaves and tyrants? Lovely. Wonderful. After all of the advances equality has made in this country, what you are encouraging is regression. But I don't expect you to understand, the brainwashed rarely do.

  2. I'll thank the "moderator" in advance, because I know that s/he won't post my previous comment due to its egalitarian nature. God forbid we value people as people, for their own unique abilities, and let them be the people God created them to be.

  3. I stumbled across this website doing research for my university degree, I was never homeschooled, I drink, have a job, drive, but I still respect my parents and am polite and respectful to all. But I can say that if a man told me that I was the weaker species and was to submit to him I would tell him to get lost and be on my way. I was raised in a household where my mum was the earner and 'wore the trousers' and taught me that I was equal to any man and that I can do anything that they can do and I believe that to the core.

  4. To Cheri & Sarah ~ I do not believe women to be inferior (neither does God). Yes, we were created for man. That is not one bit disrespectful. If that was the case then does that mean that all soldiers (NCOs) are inferior and only officers count for anything? Soldiers are the backbone of the Army just like wives are an instrumental part of the family (and a marriage). Their function/roles do not dictate their importance (I know some units fail at this very important aspect of a leader/subordinate relationship, but a soldier deserves just as much respect for what he does as an officer for what officers do). The Army would NOT function without NCOs and likewise, a mother is such an important role in the family. There is a huge difference between "regressing" and submission to spiritual leadership. This article does not place women under "mastership" and servant-hood.

    Our culture has placed an extremely negative connotation to the word "submissive". We must submit to the law or we a get a speeding ticket...does that mean police officers are superior to us? Heck no! It just means that they have been placed in a position of authority. Likewise, we are not inferior to our husbands, but they have been placed in a position of authority over us (there are a LOT of responsibilities that they have because of this include placing OUR needs OVER their own...Loving us as they would their own bodies). Does this mean women don't have opinions or are uneducated? No it doesn't. The Proverbs 31 woman sounds like she is a pretty talented lady to me and the Bible says she is worth more than rubies...that doesn't sound like inferior or uneducated.
    It is easy to be a skeptic, but if you are looking for answers, God gives wisdom freely for those asking (James 1:5). P.S. Shalom, great article. NGJ, please keep up the great have blessed my family in so many ways! Thank You & God Bless!

  5. I would love if Shalom could go a bit more into detail and maybe give some examples of how mom's should handle their sons. Upon reading this article I was a bit turned off because I thought it was suggesting that maybe mothers should always harden their hearts toward their boys. Don't get me wrong, I agree mostly with what you're saying, but I think there is a fine line between babying your sons and showing them compassion when they need to know you care. I would just like your insight into helping me understand where compassion is needed and when it is hindering and not helping training. I do understand why you warn against placating to their emotions too much because my mom coddled my brothers quite often. Any little thing they did was built up to be so amazing. Today some of them are as lazy as can be and suffer from depression and lack of motivation. After they left the house they didn't know how to survive the harsh realities of being men. They can barely support their families and have no motivation to improve their circumstances. My husband and I let one of my brothers live with us to help him get back on his feet- a year later he was just milking what he could get and had done nothing to try and help himself. Point being, I've seen first hand the consequences of what happens to men when they've been coddled too much as boys. I look forward to your response!

  6. Dear Cheri, After a near divorce 3.5 years ago and soon after reading Created To Be His Help Meet and trying submission that I didn't believe in, but thought why not try that, nothing else worked to get cared about or lifelong commitment. Well, seeing is believing. I've never been treated better or gotten more of what I wanted than when treating my husband with unconditional respect and letting him lead our family (take full blame for all - don't you love it?) It makes no sense, but it works nonetheless. He renewed his lifelong unconditional vows to me three times and falls all over himself trying to please me as I treat him as worthy of submission nomatter how he behaves. He can do nothing but submit also. Something about confident smiling submission (not cowering obedience) motivates men to care more about others than themselves. It's nothing short of a miracle. God's promises are true and the husband/wife roles in Scripture are what works best. Don't knock it til you've tried it. Take a bite, it's sweet. Ask my kids. Funny, they want to cooperate with me more now that I cheerfully cooperate with Daddy's ideas. He's getting better and better at leading and decision making instead of avoiding problems with a joking attitude/anger all these years before I believed God about how to be a wife. Just spend some time observing the marriages of those with your attitude and beliefs. Don't take my word for it. Study some people, single, married, divorced. My husband thinks I'm smarter now than he ever gave me credit for, now that I treat him like he's the smartest man I know. I don't have to believe he is to treat him that way, but he's growing into it with my cheerleading. Same goes for respectability. Test the Scriptures by living them. With some things, God expects us to have faith first and obey though we don't understand or even disagree...walk by faith and not by sight. We ask this of our own children at times and they respect & appreciate us more for it afterwards. It builds trust. Some things can't be explained in words anyway. Experience is the best teacher in situations like the role for husband/wife. Don't waste time learning what not to do the hard way. That's why God so mercifully gave us the Bible. There were wives in the OT who didn't trust their husband's leadership. Bad things happened. When they let their inept husband lead anyway, God protected them (Abraham & Sarah). My kids now observe others to see if they trust God and take note of the results. The OT is still happening all around us. My old church thought the OT was outdated and the pastor confessed often that he and his pastor wife argued a lot. He had told us wives to ignore the NT commands for wives. Our marriage got worse and worse until we left that church for one that believes the whole Bible is true. Saved our marriage and now I know how to prevent teen rebellion that everyone else expects as just par for the course. My daughters will marry a man who wants to be like Jesus. My son will not marry a moody disrespectful woman like I was for too long. Our grandchildren will thank me for teaching my kids God's way of marriage because they'll never have to be shuffled between their Dad's house and Moms because my kids will never get divorced. God's love through them will never fail their marriages. 1 Cor 13:4-8

  7. My daughter wants to be a doctor when she grows up. I'd love her to achieve that. This is after all 2012 and a servile existence seems a bit 1812 to me.
    I by the way earn more than my husband who stayed at home to look after her for two years.

  8. I have been married to a sweet kind man for the past ten years. We both do the house work, we both have jobs and we both have dreams. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. Not everyone has to conform to a rigid traditional idea of marriage in order to have happiness.

  9. I know a boy who is exactly what you wouldn't want for your daughter. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and then one day he got into trouble. After his dad was done yelling in frustration, he ran to a corner with his older sister and they cuddled and wisperd about their "mean" "abusive" dad.