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I Need Her Counsel and Judgment

October 15, 2011
Young husband and wife

My book, Created To NEED A Help Meet, was written for men to cut through the clutter and mixed messages of our culture and explain what it means to be a man, husband or father. In the first half of the book I have a list of ways we men need a woman to help us be better, wiser and kinder people. Here is a short excerpt from that section of the coming book.

I need her counsel and judgment

Headstrong, independent men sometimes forget that in the “multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 24:6). “For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself” (Romans 14:7).

Mister, you need counsel. Having done many stupid things, I don’t trust Michael Pearl like I did when I was young and knew everything. I have gotten dumber with the years. I am known to say “I don’t know” more often than I did just after graduating from college.

But I will admit that early in our marriage I didn’t want my wife’s advice. At the time I felt that she was minimizing me in her criticism, so it angered Boss Hog when she “got out of her place” and took the lead. At least, that is the way I interpreted her suggestions. I will tell you the truth, I don’t know what happened first; maybe she gained wisdom in the way she offered input or maybe I became less sensitive to suggestions. But the end result is that we grew and matured to the point where I trust her judgments and she trusts mine, and we both know we can be wrong and therefore are open to considering other possibilities. We can challenge one another without feeling put down. It is a fact of human nature that all of us listen with concern and introspection to those whom we respect, and we dismiss with derision those whom we think are unworthy to challenge us. Poor wives.

The bottom line is that insecurity and fear make us angry at perceived criticism. The smallest man has the biggest anger.

Wives can irritate us more than anyone else because it is so important to a man to look good in his wife’s eyes. We are still like kids trying to impress that one girl, and it is disturbing if she thinks we are less than perfect. We all want to be praised and approved, and we get so little of it from work or friends, so we expect the little wife to provide all the positive affirmation necessary to keep up our self-image. (I hope my wife doesn’t read all this. I feel vulnerable being this honest.)

Now don’t expect me to hold hands, say I am sorry, and sing kum-bah-ya. A man still has his dignity, you know. I don’t mind making changes, but I am not going to admit that I was wrong until five years have passed. It is much easier to say “I WAS wrong” than to say “I AM wrong.” My suggestion is that you hurry and make some changes before you have to admit that you ARE an immature, selfish, and insecure jerk. It worked for me. Then when you get old, you can be humble, too.

I will set you on the road to recovery with one good suggestion. Ask your wife for advice and counsel. Welcome her judgments even if you feel she is attacking you. Pretend to be humble and thoughtful. Be patient and ask her to expound further on her concerns. Pause and look enlightened. Nod in appreciation for her wisdom and then modify your actions in some measure based on her suggestion.

If unfolding events prove her wrong, be kind and gentle, not gloating or mentioning what is obvious. On the other hand, if her counsel and judgment prove to be right, praise her for it and thank her for saving you from error. You will make a new woman out of her. She will get ten years younger and smile like a kid opening birthday presents. But I warn you, she will get addicted to being happy. She will want to have sex more often and will initiate contact. If you are not up to it, you might want to continue with your “know it all” attitude so she can maintain her coldness as she continues to be your unhappy critic.

When I write an article or book I submit it to my wife for editing. If she thinks something is not appropriate or could be said a different way, or that a point needs a little different slant, I discuss it with her until I see her point of view. There are times that she catches a skewed perspective or bad attitude coming through my writings. (For my reader I would like to soften that “bad attitude” thing, for it might lead you to a lower estimation of me, but today I will admit to it just to make a point. Consider it rhetorical.) I have come to trust her goodwill toward me and to accept the fact that she likes me even when I am bad—sort of like a mother. She doesn’t expect me to be perfect. She does like to see me honest and open to her wisdom. I would be stupid not to take advantage of her sanctified perspective.

Think about it. One day, maybe soon, I am going to appear before the Judgment Seat of Christ to be rewarded or to lose reward according to the things done in this body, whether it be good or bad (2 Corinthians 5:10; 1 Corinthians 3:8; Matthew 10:42). At that day I am sure I will wish I could go back and have a do-over on many things. Right now, before I stand before Christ embarrassed, my wife is enabling me to have that do-over, to correct ignorance or insensitivity to the Holy Spirit. She is sanctified in some areas that I am not and can see things I cannot see. She is not just editing my writings; she is editing my life so that the end product is better than me. I was created to need her counsel and judgment.

In my defense, it works both ways. I edit her writings and her life as well. Like any woman, she can get her feathers up and claw the blood out of a timid soul that still needs a little understanding. You should have seen her book, Created to Be a Help Meet, before I softened the edges. She has an occasional blind spot. Because I trust her judgments and censorship, she trusts mine, and we are heirs together of the grace of life, sanctifying one another so as to reduce our embarrassment at the Judgment Seat of Christ. My favorite dying song is “I want to walk over heaven with you some sweet day.” Heaven will be much sweeter with my best friend by my side.

I need her to support my vision

Every man has a vision, and visions are tenuous by nature. A man with a vision hopes to surmount difficult circumstance and do what others think impossible. A vision will waver like a mirage, sometimes promising cool water and other times looking like shifting sand. Most men lose hope of fulfilling their dreams and settle for a TV series. If you have a vision you need a helper suited to that vision. It is not necessary for her to believe in it as you do, but she must believe in you. A man can keep his own vision alive if his wife runs his supply line and praises his endeavors. A help meet that supports his vision will make life a journey worth the effort, and he will be remembered for his humanity if not his accomplishments.

If your wife denigrates your vision it indicates she is not being fulfilled as a person. Tend to her needs and she will get so contented she will tell you that you sing well, you are smarter than everyone else, and you should be promoted to work at the cash register instead of cooking the fries.

You need your woman to support your vision. If you have no vision I suspect you are not in good standing with your help meet. An encouraging woman makes a man think he is taller, stronger, and smarter than he is. And coupled with her wisdom he will be smarter. You cannot leave her sitting at the kitchen table griping and be successful at life without her. You may be manager at work but that has nothing to do with life more abundant. If you will devote your energies to building her as a person, you will have more time and energy to pursue your dreams.

I need her to cover me in prayer

Since we are “heirs together of the grace of life” it is essential that “husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).

Life requires a lot of grace from God, but a particular grace, one unique kind of grace for one unique purpose, comes with two keys. The wife gets one and the husband gets the other. They must go into heaven’s bank together and insert the two keys at the same time if either of them is going to access the grace of life. If, according to the passage, a husband fails to “give honour” unto his wife, “the weaker vessel,” then their prayers are hindered. A husband who is ignorant of his wife’s needs and fails to relate to her as the weaker vessel, not dwelling “with them according to knowledge”, will fail to “obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

Mister, this may be the most important warning in this book. By not relating to your wife with knowledge of her status as the weaker vessel—the vessel being her body—your prayer line to heaven is cut, as is hers. That means the person closest to you in the world will not be able to pray for you, and as such you will not be a recipient of the grace you will need to deal with the issues of life.

“I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting” (1 Timothy 2:8).

“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16).

“For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;” (Colossians 1:9).

—Michael Pearl

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36 comments on “I Need Her Counsel and Judgment”

  1. If this book will be half as good as Created by Debi than I can only pray my husband will read it. My husband said I changed like night to day after reading it so if he only changed from dawn to day I'd be quite happy. Now how can I get him to read it?

  2. Thank you. It feels good to be affirmed that I am needed by my husband, and very encouraging. I don't think he would ever read this book, though. He's a "boss hog" type too, but he is a man of God, so who knows how the Spirit of God may move him. Thanks for writing this book. I've read created to be his help meet, and I think it saved me from many horrible mistakes. Thanks again, In Christ.

  3. Mr. Pearl,

    I simply smiled as I read this article. I'm still not sure how it happened, but my man became (is becoming) as you have described in this article and sure enough, all the changes that result "in her", happened in me. What a difference in our lives. Yes, I'm a happy contented woman!! because I have a fabulous man. Funny thing is, the book isn't out yet!! How'd he (my man) "get it"? I suspect the CD you have out "For Men Only", may have planted a seed. I'll give the Spirit the glory for it taking root and growing. I look forward to the book. More than likely I'll get it. Don't know if my man will read it or not... I've learned to leave that up to him. He may read it and not tell me (that's what happened with the CD, I think). But, I'll know... cause weird things will start to happen and change (smile), just like before I suspect. Thank you for the time and effort and sacrifice that I know you guys have put into these books. Thank you for enduring the persecutions that I've read online that have resulted. The Lord HAS used you two to make a difference. I look forward to someday telling you all about it (probably in the next age... don't think I'll get to meet you here). May he bless you many times over,
    In Him
    Lisa S.

  4. Pastor Pearl,

    Looking forward to reading your book. Many thanks to your helpmeet for my helpmeet who has changed before my eyes as a result of your wifes contribution to our marriage. I truly value good "prophesy" (not in the eschatalogical sense of the word) in the sense that you seem to be expounding upon Scripture as it pertains to the here-and-now, and rightfully dividing the Word of Truth.

    I am hoping and praying that I will have the ability to "Man Up" and grow in wisdom by reading your book.

    At Your Service In His Service,


  5. Men will love this book! So much sarcasm and tongue and cheek correction. Perfect way to handle it "mano e mano."
    God Bless you for leading many (me especially) to righteousness Daniel 12.

  6. Reading this excerpt I thought, "it sure would have been great to have this book years ago!". My husband is a very good man and I've always felt blessed to be his wife. Debi's book helped me to correct many behaviors that would have certainly fouled up our marriage. But so many times I wished for a similar book for my husband.
    There are many wives who are trying their best but recieve little validation or encouragement. When a husband neglects his wife's needs it can lead to her becoming emotionally "anemic". (Not good!) Thank you THANK YOU for writing this book. Better late than never!! 🙂 God bless your house and ministry.

  7. wow.. i had no idea that my prayers for him would be cut off by him not honoring me! That seems so sad at times when this would happen as I would pray God would forgive something he said in haste or in the company of perfect strangers. May God bring us together in His perfect timing. I know we both need work.

    1. update:

      We have come such a long way. God is good and 5 months later has answered. I believe my hubby is ready to listen to the mp3 cd if I ask. God has been with me every step of the way even up to the point when my husband REALLY asked and wanted to know what was wrong (what was on my heart) and I was unsure if I should say anything. He apologized for his past actions that hurt me/us and wanted us back together and he told me he missed my smiling! It was an amazing break through. GOD IS GOOD.

  8. Two things...first, can the women read the book?? ...since this is the first article I went to in the magazine! We need to know what you're telling our husbands so we can hold them to it!! ha ha. Second...I would love to know the percentage of women who buy this book for their husbands rather than the men that purchase it!! (he he) Thanks so much for writing the book, I can't wait to read it...I mean, I can't wait for my husband to read it!

    1. @Lisa Shephard - Until further notice, here is our counsel regarding wives reading "Created To Need A Help Meet". Wives (women) should not read "Created To Need A Help Meet". Just as we encouraged husbands not to read "Created", the same is true for wives (women) with the "Need" book. Wives should leave it alone and let their husbands read it (or not) and then enjoy the fruits of it, the same as many husbands did with "Created". An exception would be if a husband were to tell his wife to read it (without being asked). Another exception would be, that after experiencing the radical changes in their husband, a wife may ask their husband if she can read it to see what has changed him. Of course there will be those women that will succumb to their Jezebel side and read it anyway.

  9. What exciting news I have JUST read regarding Michael's new book! I asked my husband if he would be willing to take time to read it, and he responded with a "sure".

    God had placed Created to be His Help Meet in my hands at the time I had been dealing with an illness and many other ailments along with pre-menopause in 2009.
    Debbie, God opened my eyes through your words of wisdom He has given to you to document. Along with God's Word, your book, and The Hallelujah Diet, I have been physically, mentally and spiritually renewed and I give God all the glory. Thank you to you both, your families and each and everyone involved with your ministry. You are changing many lives everywhere. I will continue reaching other women with the hope of restoring many marriages back to health.
    You all are deeply loved. Keep looking up and God bless you real good!,

  10. My husband and I appreciate your ministry very much. I hope this book comes out soon! My husband is a very busy man and doesn't get much time to read for pleasure. He will deploy to the Middle East early next year and I would love to send it with him.
    He has so much respect for you, Mr. Pearl. He loves to see men who are not only ministring the gospel of Jesus, but also leading their families and being MEN - not some sissified version painted for us by today's society.
    We are not perfect, but we do love the Lord and hope that we can make Him smile.
    We love you all!

  11. Thanks for writing this book! I wrote to you several years ago suggesting it would be a great companion to "Created." The longer I've been married, the more my husband and I listen to each other's opinions and perspectives; it's encouraging to hear that that's what's happened to you and Debi as well. It's part of "becoming one" and has been a great blessing for our children to see as well! We give all the glory to the LORD. 🙂

  12. Oh, Praise Jesus!! For all the wives who read Created and have patiently put the principles into practice... let me just say - we have been waiting for this book!! Thank you MANY times over for writing this! I am looking forward to an ever more glorious marriage as we grow as "heirs together". Jesus bless you!

  13. Thank you soooo much for all you do in encouraging healthy marriages and family. I laughed and laughed while reading the exerpt, many things that you have stated here are things that my husband and I have discussed and found to be true. You (the husband) has to invest in his bride in order to get out of her what he desires always in sincerity. Loving his bride as Christ loves the church and gave himself for it, even the laying down of his life for it. (Ephesions 5) The sincerity of the Groom will provoke commitment and dedication from the bride, the Psalms says we love him because he first loved us. But I do understand that we must all put in in order to get out of it what we need and pray without ceasing, because marriage is not a fleshy thing but spiritual. I look forward to your book stay encourage. I am glad to see this book come into being we see so many books teaching the wife how to be submissive but so little on the husband role in loving his wife, and providing more than just food, shelter and clothing.

  14. You write,

    If, according to the passage, a husband fails to “give honour” unto his wife, “the weaker vessel,” then their prayers are hindered. A husband who is ignorant of his wife’s needs and fails to relate to her as the weaker vessel, not dwelling “with them according to knowledge”, will fail to “obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need”

    Will there be examples that I can relate to? So that I would know if I do that or I don’t.

    1. @Mike - Not knowing you and what you relate to, I am not sure what examples would be beneficial. The best thing will be for you to humble yourself and ask your wife to gain the knowledge of what is honoring to her. Communicate and remove the guesswork.

  15. Wow! Thank ya'll so much! I hope my husband gets as much encouragement and has as many "aha" moments when he reads this book as I did when I read the Created "she-version" 🙂
    Your ministry is such a blessing to our family!

  16. I am looking for a book for my husband to read. He wants to know how to be the great husband God has made him to be. I read Created to be his Helpmeet and he loves the changes in me and would love a book to help him. Anyone have any suggestions?
    Thank You

  17. Hi! Thank you all for your faithful service to the Lord. Thank you for your uncompromising stand in these evil days. When will your book come out and would you suggest reading it in a married couples Sunday school class?

  18. Mike & Debbie,
    Such wise counsel should not be just for the ladies, so I'm thrilled to hear you are finally releasing a book for the guys! Better yet, my husband found my printed copy of NGJ that I had left where I typically read it and apparently he picked up this article and read it because today he asked me to purchase a copy for him! I can't wait to see how God works next!!

  19. Dear Bro. Pearl,
    If you do not already deal with husbands who are also pastors, would you consider adding a small chapter specifically for them if you think that would be of benefit? Thank you for writing this book and desiring to help our husbands and families.

  20. I appreciate the work of NGJ but I must say the NGJ replies to the comments in this article are a bit harsh! Is it really necessary to say that women have a Jezebel spirit in relation to whether they read the men's book or not? My husband read my "Created" book whilst I was busy doing housework, now he is quick to tell me what is right/ wrong for a woman to do. I don't plan to do the same to him anyway, I will choose to be more mature about it.

  21. My wife and me enjoy your ministry.We were at the point of seperating when a friend gave here the Help-meet book,and wow what a wonderful and Godly woman she became. I look forward to the mens version to become a better father and leader in the home. God Bless you. Norm

  22. I read the article with interest because I enjoy most of what I read in your magazine and the advice you give. BUT, I honestly don't if I would want to marry a man who follows the advice given in the excerpt. I understand that some parts were sarcastic and "tongue in cheek" but overall I felt the approach to the relationship of husband and wife was very condescending. I hope that my husband doesn't treat my advice like a grown person treats a toddler "helping" with a task beyond their capabilities. I want a conversation, not him faking a smile and patting me on the head like a dog. And if my advice turned out to be incorrect, again how about a conversation instead of him secretly gloating about how much smarter he thinks he is then me.

  23. I appreciate the NGJ ministry and the Created book Debi wrote for us women. I am so thrilled that you have written a book for the men also. I am planning on giving my husband a copy this Christmas and I am leaving it up to the Holy Spirit whether he reads it or not and the fruit I know it will bear in my husband and our marriage. When the fiery trials have hit our marriage at different times, the Holy Spirit lead me to websites, books, articles,etc. that opened my eyes concerning my role as wife and mother. I am so glad that God opened my eyes and helped me understand what my role is as a help meet. The messages we get from the world and the wives we've watched in our own families are so wrong, it's no wonder the divorce rates are so high and families are suffering. I thank God for the Pearl's and their ministry and being a beacon of light for our families in such a dark,dark world.May God continue to bless and prosper and enlarge the territory of the NGJ ministry...:)

  24. I am so excited at the prospect of your book being as big a blessing to my husband as Debi's is to me! Please let us know when it is available. Thank you and God bless you both!

  25. I'm sitting here thanking the Lord for your ministry. Someone gave me a copy of Created to Be His Help Meet and I started working on applying what I read. My husband saw how I was starting to change and asked me if you all offered anything for the men. I wasn't sure, but we went to your website and he found the CD. Without telling me he ordered it and listened to it. I started seeing changes in him. Well, we haven't gotten it all down, and we sometimes forget to apply what we've learned, but I was just praying about a situation that has been bothering me for the last year. After reviewing your article "Lazy Husbands, Hungry Children, Hopeful Wives", I realized that I didn't handle that situation the right way. Anyway, through different circumstances, God corrected me to be more in line with the advice in that article. I've been in prayer and just TODAY, my husband who has been following Mr. Pearl on YouTube in reference to Bible questions called me into his study to listen to some of the videos. We learned that he is the "priestly" type and I'm a "go-to" gal. Anyway, my husband turns to me and asks I wonder if Michael Pearl has a book out for men. I need to reorder my CD and if he has a book I want to get it. My heart filled with tears of joy and a renewed interest in rereading "Created to Be His Helpmeet". I hope to grow into a very godly wife and my heart is hopeful that my husband will do the same.
    Side note: My sister is either the "creative" or "servant" type and she is courting a christian guy who is definitely a "visionary". I think that as a gift to her this holiday season, I'm going to get her both "Preparing To Be His HelpMeet" and "Created To Be His Helpmeet".
    I just want to encourage you Pearls to continue to be the godly examples that you are and please please don't let any disparaging comments made here keep you from remaining faithful. There are young couples who take your words of Biblical wisdom to heart.
    I thank Jesus Christ for you all and pray that He will continue to bless Mr. Pearl and Ms. Debi and your whole family.

  26. Oh, one more thing. My husband wanted me to ask if there is a way that he could either pre-order the book, or receive an email when it is ready.
    Once again thanks for being a blessing to my family.
    Side Note: My husband and I have also read your book "To Train Up a Child" which we used effectively to eliminate some bad habits we'd developed in dealing with our oldest child (who is 2 years old) and to start early training our youngest who is (15 months old). Everywhere we go we get compliments on how well-behaved our children are even though they aren't perfect by any means. 🙂
    I smile and say thank you and something like, "It all starts with training them at home".
    Both of my children sit through church services which may last over 2 hours to the chagrin of many parents of older children who create disruptions in service. My husband thanked me for giving him a copy of the book. We are trying to get our mothers to read the book so that those who watch our children on occasion are on the same page as us about training. Our mothers are also christians and your book has helped us explain many things they had either forgotten or never applied themselves in rearing my husband and I.

  27. My wife has been waiting for this book for a long time. (I can't wait either.) My wife deserves so much more than the man she now has.

  28. reading this made me realize all over again what an amazing husband I have...and then it dawned on me that he wasn't like this when we first got married. I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but those first couple years when I would try to "give input" (just like I would have done talking with my parents or brothers & sisters) it was taken as an attack. this was so bewildering, and hurtful too quite honestly. reading Debi's book I was inspired to really make sure I wasn't part of the problem, make myself worthy of his trust, etc. but I don't remember ever noticing my husband change.

    we've been married only six years now, and I read this book excerpt marveling that we've*already* come leaps and bounds being "heirs together of the grace of life." where once my husband would announce our life plans to someone else before telling me about them, and then become angry when I tried to add my thoughts to the plan, now I can't remember the last time he planned or decided anything significant without us figuring it out together. we both heavily value and depend upon each other's perspective and wisdom.

    this very same amazing man of mine really enjoyed reading this little bit and is looking forward to reading the whole book. he was laughing out loud and reading bits and pieces to me over breakfast this morning.

    ~a very blessed & grateful wife

  29. I have read your book and it has been very enlightening. However, I am having trouble translating some of that wisdom into action. For instance, in this article you write "relating to your wife with knowledge of her status as the weaker vessel". I know this is critical, but I don't know what action to take in response.

    Lately, my wife has become very upset with my inability to know what she needs, when she needs it without her having to say something. Now, she knows that I have a mild form of autism and that the way my brain works doesn't allow me to pick up on non verbal clues, and that i tend to be very literal in how i speak, and while she outwardly claims to be understanding, our most recent argument revealed that she is very upset about it. She thinks even my most inoccuous or kind words and actions toward her are motivated only by selfishness. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I've run out of ideas about how to convince her. I honestly don't know what to do and I'm beginning to lose hope that I ever will. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

    1. Dear Aaron,
      Females have this thing (especially young, newly married gals)—believing their husbands know exactly how they feel, what they want, and even what they are thinking. These sweet young brides get raging “hurt,” or maybe a better word would be MAD, when their husband is not sensitive to respond to these unknown needs. I know these things because I have counseled a thousand mad gals, and when I was young, I too was guilty as charged. Mike was a real stinger!
      A man can learn how to forestall such drama by hugging his dear wife at every possible occasion, looking at her with longing even though his mind is still working out a plumbing problem or mechanical issue. Good husbands learn to make happy noises when they are eating what the darling wife has cooked. A proper husband will often be heard telling folks (in her hearing) how amazed he is at what a gift from God he got when he married this wonderful (emotionally challenging) woman. Most girls finally grow up and learn to appreciate their man. It is amazing, but most females eventually come to really believe that men do indeed think differently than females.
      So for all you young husbands who are trying to do the right thing, give this to your young wife and say, “Please just love me like I am and know that I am trying to figure out how to be your loving man.” No woman in her right mind could resist such an appeal. BUT, most girls are not in their right mind all the time, so maybe I should say, good luck.