My kids are famous for being screamers. I mean the LOUD, embarrassing, over-the-top, uncontrollable shrieks. They were quick to anger and always shut down when we tried to train. Four kids under four is not easy.
I did not come from a background of happy family training. It has been like a foreign language to me. I wanted to learn it, but where would I start? I have always felt like there were so many random pieces to child training. Without the fundamental foundation, I was failing to train up my children in the way they should go. I felt hopeless as a mama.
I had reread the books To Train Up a Child and the NGJ volumes many times. I had taken time to study and focus on training my kids. But we were at the end of our rope. Our 5-year-old’s attitude was bad more than good. What were we missing? Was Landon mildly autistic, perhaps on the spectrum? No. Did he at least have a sensory processing disorder? No, we knew he wasn't. Maybe I needed to understand his personality better, so I started studying the different personality types. Nothing helped pull our sweet, smart little guy out of the dark hole.
I am a physical therapist. Shoshanna, (Mike & Debi’s youngest) is one of my favorite people to work on. We always have wonderful conversations. I am blessed to call her my friend.
"And God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding exceeding much . . .” (1 Kings 4:29). Like Solomon, Shoshanna was blessed with abundant wisdom, especially when it comes to child training. I told her my plight, and this is what she suggested.
“Here’s what you’re going to do. Wrap five presents for each child from least to greatest. Excitedly tell your children that you guys are going to play a surprise present game.
Rules!
This is how you play:
1. Every day you will get one present. YAY! Isn’t that fun?
2. You will have a line-up of five awesome presents, starting with a big one and getting smaller as they go. At the end of the day you will get one of the five. It is up to you which one you get.
3. Every time you have a bad attitude or disobey, one present is taken off the table, starting with the big one.
All of the presents are so fun to open! You are just going to love this! I am excited for you guys! Even if the big present gets taken off the table, you still have the next great one that is so much fun. Oh, but you will love the bigger ones even more."
Gift Ideas
#1 (smallest) a couple of raisins
#2 chocolate chips, raisins, and nuts
#3 a few stickers and three chocolate chips
#4 a bath toy and three chocolate chips
#5 BEST present – A dollar-store puzzle, flashlight, or other thrilling treasure from the thrift store.
I explained the fun new activity to Landon as I placed the wrapped presents in a line. He watched with his huge eyes. He wanted to win this game. And he did win! He earned the biggest present the first day. Since that initial day several weeks ago, Landon’s bad attitude has disappeared. No more outbursts. He rarely loses a present and spanking is a thing of the past for this boy. There’s just been no need. We get our affectionate, kind, brilliant son all the time now! Landon has two little sisters who also participate in the daily challenge. The baby watches every evening as his three siblings rush to open their present after dinner. I suspect he won’t ever need this game; obeying and being happy will just come naturally for him. He’ll follow his leaders and fit right into his family’s new normal. My children are learning the great reward of having self-control and delayed gratification. I am BLESSED!
Landon’s buddy Blake came over the other night. They are the same age. Landon rushed him inside to show him the present table, and I overheard him proudly explaining the entire system to his intrigued friend. “Blake, you have to tell your mom to get five presents, line them up like this . . .”
Others might have thought Landon was on the autism spectrum with his minimal eye contact. Without eye contact, training is very difficult. But refusal to look you in the eye can also be from a defiant heart, lack of respect, and disgust for the person in authority. It is a way to say, “You do not have my heart. I hate you.” If this continues, it leads to unhappiness in life. Anger, rage, and a perpetual victim do not make a good husband or father. We have been thrilled to learn that training can–and should–be fun. Landon is enjoying the rewards and so are we.
You must be logged in to post a comment.
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. 3 John 4
© 1995–2024. No Greater Joy Ministries (NGJ) is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit ministry of Michael and Debi Pearl.
NGJ is a Member of the Independent Book Publishers Association.
I would love to try this! But curious how you kept up with a "big" present every day? The chocolate chips and raisins would be easy, but say a 30 day supply of the bigger presents seems difficult?
Anita, thanks for the question. My answer comes from a couple months of trying this out. I would say that "Big" will be a perception to your child based on how well you "sell" the goods, if you know what I mean. Your goal is to get the child to want the present more than his desire to be naughty. Before you start the game tell him how great the number 5 is going to be and really be extravagant. When he is just about to be bad remind him "don't lose your number 5, you're really going to like it."
Yes he/she is going to end up with a bunch of things at the end of the month but his change in attitude it worth it. Number 5 items can be a balsa wood plane, GI Joe, Hot Wheels, or something like that from the $1 store. Number 4 can be stickers or a new pack of crayons etc. The Goodwill or thrift store toy section is a really good place to stock up on cheap items. Maybe even a new shirt.
Your goal is to make opening the item more exciting that the item if you can. Have the older siblings and dad watch with excitement when he opens that prize everyday, yes everyday it needs to be exciting.
Be committed to this and it will work. Remind them of the goal throughout the day. I hope this helps.
Surely, there is a limit to this present game. Is the goal that within the 5 days the child breaks the bad habits, learns that happiness is its own reward...?
Sarah, thanks for the question. My answer comes from a couple months of trying this out. The limit is whatever it takes to rid your child of the bad habits that he has and you being 100% committed to that end. The road to curing those bad habits/actions probably doesn't have a time frame. Your goal in this game is to get the child to want the present more than his desire to be naughty, your goal is his life is to get an obedient child who does not have outburst or whatever the issue might be. So, it might take a few weeks, it might take a year, but if you can cure a child of tantrums isn't that worth it? You're creating a Better Brain! They say it takes doing something 21 days in a row to create a habit. If the child has bad habits they are not likely to be cured in 5 days.
Is the child going to end up with some new toys at the end of the month? Yes, and that's ok. If the game goes on for 6 months and the toys are piling up in his room then you have another opportunity to take him to the Goodwill and donate his toy "to kids that don't have as much as we do." Or a neighbor. So again, yes, he/she is going to end up with a bunch of things at the end of the month but the change in attitude it worth it.
Make the toys more than just toys. Use bright colored shoe laces for his shoes that need new laces anyway or a new hair brush for a girl. Practical things can still be fun to unwrap.
Your goal is to make opening the item more exciting that the item itself if you can, this way you don't really need to think too hard on the presents. The $1 Store is a great place. Each night have the older siblings and dad watch with excitement when he opens that prize. Yes, everyday it needs to be exciting.
Be committed to this and it will work. Remind them of the goal throughout the day. Just before they look like they are about to be bad remind them that they still have number 5 and it's going to be really fun to play with tonight.
Also, you have to be consistent. If you say "don't do ...something" and they do it, they have to lose that present. We make them take their own present off the table and put it in the laundry room. Then it might go something like this: "Bad attitude about losing a present? Lost #4 too. Bummer. Well hey you know what, #3 is still on the table and you're really going to enjoy it."
I hope this helps.
Good evening! I am also curious about what Anita is asking about in the comment section. Particularly how long do you play the game and should I expect to pay a $1 per day for the big present. It would be totally worth the $30/month, I’m just curious ?
Kyle, See the other two replies below. Thanks for the question. The length of time is whatever it takes to rid your child of the bad habits that he has and you being 100% committed to that end. After a couple months of trying this with a 2, 4, and 5 year old I can tell you that the 2 year old doesn't care or realize if she gets #1 or #5, she just likes opening something. And really, she is only playing along with the older two. Make the opening of the present the most exciting part of the game. The 4 and 5 year old do have some new toys but we also make it practical like a hair brush, or a cool new t-shirt. Even if they get #1 and it's baby puff cereal we make it a big deal when they are opening it.
You can also use practical items like a pack of counting cards for a kids who is learning to count. Now they have their very own cards to learn to count and they are excited about it.
After a week or so of doing the game and they are starting to get their #5 some days you will be enjoying your kids who are now so well behaved you won't notice the money you're spending on this stuff. Plus the days they don't get #5 you put it back out tomorrow.
Hope this helps.
My question is, how do you do his for more than one child. Do you have a line of presents for each one or do they share the rewards inside?
Michelle,
Thank you for your question.
Yes, each child will have their own separate row of gifts. And each night they each open their own.
Hello,
Can you respond privately to this comment?
I have found this article encouraging. I have kids 8 yr, 6, 5, 3 and 1. I starting reading NGJ books when pregnant with my first but have really really struggled with understanding and implementing and being consistent. As a mother I keep trying but struggle with discouragement and fear.
I use the rod, often. I am not a fierce swatter but without a long description of our daily life, I will just say every day I try to work on being patient and leading my kids but we struggle to get all the behavioural weeds out of the house and have self control.
My comment is that I am interested in trying this game and this would be good for bad attitude which we daily struggle with. However we still have issues with irritating siblings, lack of self control in certain situations like the dinner table, not doing chores well but sloppily, boyish energy that doesn’t understand when to turn it off and what is excessive roughness (I really try to let them be boys but then people get hurt, etc.) etc.
I am tired of using the rod! If we don’t use it every day behaviour get gets worse. ? I struggle with discouragement.
I desperately want to learn how to mother my kids better. I long for someone to help. I wish I could have someone to provide some mentoring, feedback and show me what I am missing because I struggle to see my errors.
I am in Minnesota but would seriously do what I needed to spend a little time with someone who could provide some guidance for me and the kids. If there is anyway I could do spend a little time with someone who has that wisdom she was talking about it would be a tremendous blessing to this weary Mama with 5 amazing kids.
I want to give this game a try. However if you have any additional advice for me I would love it.