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Memoirs of a Young Married Man

April 15, 2005

When a man truly loves a woman, he addresses her needs, considers her desires, and is equally zealous for her to find fulfillment.

When Zephyr and I first got married, I began to give a lot of thought to husband and wife relationships. I knew it was my duty to love my wife, and I knew it was her responsibility to obey me in my office as her husband. It is easy to see when a wife obeys or disobeys her husband, but sometimes it is not so easy to see a husband’s lack of love for his wife. Some men lord it over their wives because they feel they have a right to do so. They feel they have a right to demand, and a woman has an obligation to submit. Some “good men” use their authority to act selfishly, loving their position and loving themselves. By his lack of Godly love, a husband forces his wife to something God never intended – subservience. He relates to her as if she were his servant instead of his friend and assistant. He feels love for her, he provides for her, treats her kindly, performs his duties, yet she becomes subservient, because his main concern is his own needs and accomplishments. The relationship is marked by lack of spontaneity and joy.

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When a man truly loves a woman, he addresses her needs, considers her desires, and is equally zealous for her to find fulfillment. His love finds a way for her to continue being the person she is. For example: I love to read, and Zephyr loves to shop. Once a week, I enjoy going to a bookstore and browsing for a few hours. This would bore Zephyr to no end, but to please me, she would be cheerfully and willing to do it. On the other hand, Zephyr loves to shop, even when she doesn’t need a thing. I could use my authority (which is mine to use) and tell her, “No shopping,” or I could reason with her that it is a waste of time to shop for something she does not need. She loved shopping when I married her. When a man loves a woman, he will find a way for her to express her own desires. He will find pleasure in her pleasure.
I loved to read when she married me, and even then I hated to shop. If she took offense because I did not want to shop with her, thereby constraining me to join her, she would be usurping my rights by her moods. I would become a wussy, and she would be leading the family by her hurt feelings. Of course, my wife would never do such a thing.
From the beginning, I wanted to love my wife, and I wanted her to flourish as the woman she is. It was important to me that she continue to bloom as a person; therefore, I encouraged her to do the thing she so enjoys. Like a beautiful color is enhanced by a contrasting color, two different personalities functioning together is beautiful. It is the differences that make our relationship rich.

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I cherish and appreciate my other half. She makes me complete. So once a week, I drop her and our girls off at the Goodwill or Wal-Mart, and I drive over to the bookstore. When I find a good book, I drive back to the store and find a comfortable place to sit and read. God says it like this: “For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church”
Ephesians 5:29

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6 comments on “Memoirs of a Young Married Man”

  1. My Husband loves me very much, he does 99% of the things that this articules says...I am blessed. the only thing I ask the Father is to give me wisdom and understanding and most of all the Love to keep our hearts together...Thanks for this articule.

  2. Very nice. I stopped doing most of the things that brought me joy when I got married and it has made life very burdensome for me. Especially with five small children and three of them homeschooling year round, it's hard. I have been quite depressed for many years, and my husband doesn't know it.

    1. You are not alone. I am in the same situation. I have to remind myself daily that it is not my job to make my husband be what he should be, but to obey Christ and die to myself daily. I pray God will give me relief one day, but until then I live this way: "He feels love for her, he provides for her, treats her kindly, performs his duties, yet she becomes subservient, because his main concern is his own needs and accomplishments. The relationship is marked by lack of spontaneity and joy."

  3. One better could be every once in a while shopping with her and her browsing books with you. I love it when my man does things with me. He has things he doesn't like that I like and sometimes it hurts that neither draws us together. However, I loved this article. Thank you for loving your wife and sharing your thoughts. Men like you are few these days.

  4. Bible teaches that as Christ is our head and loved us, as are we our wife's head and ought to love her. Nor replace words in this sentence and give me a response if this is Biblical:
    "When Jesus truly loves a Christian, he addresses her needs, considers her desires, and is equally zealous for her to find fulfillment. His love finds a way for her to continue being the person he or she is."
    I don't say that man ought not to love her wife, but we must reconsider what "love" means. I don't think that Jesus is in the business of fulfilling our desires and needs, though his grace can be overwhelming. I think our duty is to fulfil his desire, not vice versa, therefore a husband's primary focus cannot be to fulfil the desires of his wife.

  5. Yes, Jesus does care about and fullfill our needs. MATTHEW 6:31-33

    Yes, Jesus care about our desires. If we are His, He is the one who puts those desires in our hearts. PSALM 37:4

    And yes, Jesus wants us to be who He created us to be. ROMAMS 12:6-8