Dear Mama Bear,
I truly feel your pain, we have seen it close up. The courts do not recognize perversion as a problem until there is overwhelming evidence that a child has already suffered irreparable harm. It is a darkness that you cannot speak of, even to close friends, for few are capable of believing that the very nice Christian person they know would be capable of such things. Paul said, “I would have you wise unto that which is good, and simple concerning evil” (Romans 16:19). And in another place, “For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret” (Ephesians 5:12).
However, even though pornography is deliberately designed to turn the viewer to homosexuality, incest, and child molestation, the larger percentage of viewers come to live in a dream world of lust and fantasy without ever putting into practice their perverted imaginations.
Even atheist psychologists and neuro-researchers readily acknowledge that porn use is destructive to the soul and mind of the user. A user of pornography will suffer the consequences of his deeds in this life and certainly in the next.
I have observed that churches do indeed err on the side of forgiveness of the porn user over protection of the victim. That is due to the church having adopted the world’s view on forgiveness and compassion. In addition, it is obvious that the church is not equipped to understand the ramification of such. The subject is so embarrassing that preachers and church leaders find the concept of immediate “forgive and forget” much more suitable to their desire for tranquility. It is a thorny, nasty thing to have to deal with. I think a porn addict is much more likely to meet with dismissing disapproval from the world than from the church. The church with its blinders and tolerant attitude is a nursery for perversion.
And then there is the fact that various surveys have found that about half of the men in the church are porn users themselves, including pastors, so you cannot expect them to gain a consensus that favors the aggrieved wife and mother.
Just this past week a long-time friend, whom we see about every five years, came to visit and shared his experience. The last time he was here he brought several of his children and a good friend of the family. Before he left, my wife told him that she had a word of knowledge from God that the fine Christian friend was molesting his children. He couldn’t believe it, but in time found evidence to convince him it was true, so he told his wife they were breaking off their relationship with him. His most sensible wife thought he was nuts, so she resisted and continued to allow contact. He became more frantic, seeking to run the man off. The dear wife, with the heart of a forgiving servant, couldn’t stand the tension and judgmental attitude any longer, so she took the kids and left her “out of his mind” husband. Well, the kids finally squealed the truth and the family is back together again—or what is left of it. The "friend" went to prison.
Unless one has extensive experience in the world of darkness, it is hard to believe that putrid evil could exist among the nice people in the church—especially your friends. It is a well-known fact that child molesters are generally the more likable, socially acceptable, easy going, loving people among us. They not only groom the children, they groom the adults to be compliant and not suspect a thing. I have been fooled many times.
To the dear mother who wrote to me I want to say this: statistically it is more likely that your children are not in danger of being molested by your husband. You should read Deb’s children’s book Yell and Tell to the kids and discuss it about once a month. Tell the stories, true or made up, of kids who were molested by a close relative and how they bravely came forward to uncover the evil.
It is important they understand that children are the victims and are not guilty in the deed. If they feel it will hurt you too much or that they will be blamed, they will keep it quiet until they are 40 years old. They need to understand that they have control over their bodies and that their bodies are a private matter. Go online and study the symptoms of a sexually misused child. Buy a book on the subject and leave it for your husband to discover. Let him know you are watching. He needs to know you are a bear and have teeth. He needs to fear you.
Finally, when people tell you that you have no right to leave him because he has not committed adultery, share the scripture, “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery” (Matthew 19:9).
Fornication is one of the three conditions that allow a person to divorce and remarry. See my book Divorce and Remarriage. The word fornication is not the same as adultery. It is broader, covering the entire litany of sexual sins. The Greek word translated “fornication” in the KJV is porneia, which is translated “porn” in the English language. Porno-graphy is porn-writing. Obviously porn writing is not the act of porneia. And I am not saying that casual use of porn is grounds for divorce, but knowing the nature of porn and seeing its fruit in the lives of men and women alike, it is understandable that this modern, realistic imagery is tantamount to attending an orgy every day. Many of those who love football find it more engaging to watch it on a big screen than to attend the game in person.
The scars left on a woman are equal to those of physical fornication with a living person. I cannot bring myself to condemn a woman for putting away a husband who perpetually lives in a world of digital orgy with multiple partners and diverse perversions, and then comes to bed to practice perverse acts on his wife, possibly leaving her in need of medical attention, and surely feeling emotionally battered.
The church has become irrelevant in the battle against porn. So don’t be put off by their timid response to your pain, neither be intimidated by their misdirected judgments.
So, dear lady, I cannot tell you how to get out of your dilemma. Read up on what others have done in your position. Be vicious for your children. Do what is best for them.
Finally, know that this too will pass, and there will be freedom and life afterward. Just make sure that you do not allow the stress to make you a judgmental grouch so the children come to like him better than you. Win their hearts and you will have their confidence.
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