Not So Great Expectations

Do you know what an expectation is? The official definition is: A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
But even though my last name is not Webster, I have my own definition that I think works better: Expectations are disappointments that we make for ourselves in advance. (I read it somewhere and assimilated it, making it my own.)
When we have an expectation of how something should be, or how it will be, there is an almost iron-clad guarantee that that expectation will not be met, leaving only bitter disappointment in its wake.
One such expectation that is present almost universally in all segments of society, rich, poor, religious, secular, men and women, is the expectation of what marriage will be or should be.
We men commit much of Proverbs 31 to memory and set those verses as a litmus test on what our wives should be. Now, you are not wrong to do so (only don’t ignore verses 11, 23, and 28 talking about her husband.)
I usually focus on us men and the part that we play; not because we deserve more attention, but as a man, my knowledge comes from observation AND personal experience. But with women, I know only what I see (and I understand only maybe ¼ of that.) That being said, you ladies may have to do the application yourself. If you are already married, you are probably used to picking up after your husband and putting disarray into order.
And now that we men know what we expect our wives to be, we measure every prospective help meet by that expectation. Again, not totally wrong, but keep reading.
Then, we do something most unwise: We judge our brides to be, and then later, our young wives, by what we observe in older couples, to our disappointment. Why do we do this? Because they just don’t seem to measure up to the veterans.
Wait a minute, why is that unwise? Shouldn’t we follow in the footsteps of our elders?
Yes, (wait for it) but…
When we see what those couples are like now, we do not consider what it took to get there: the years of daily sacrifices, setting aside their own personal rights and dreams for their spouse, the unkind words that were later apologized for, the hurt feelings that were slowly healed with forgiveness, the gradual discarding of childish and selfish motives (even the best couples still have some of those) and to seek their spouse’s good above their own.
Those marriages were not walked into or move-in ready; they were MADE.

The husband and the wife in Proverbs 31? That is a relationship that has developed after countless victories and disappointments in life.
Being the husband or wife that scripture describes requires the one thing that God cannot create: character. Character is not given; it is born on the battlefield of life—one choice at a time. It is growing up, in public, with responsibilities on your shoulders—responsibilities to your spouse and to God.
Just take a moment to read, (and read them slowly), the wedding vows that you will be reciting one day…in sickness and in health…for richer or for poorer…FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE…till death do us part.
You are making a solemn vow to God that this is what YOU promise to do, regardless of their actions. Because you are to love your wife “…even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” Ephesians 5:25. And he did that BEFORE the church responded in compliance.
That explains the mindset and posture of your heart that God prescribes, but how do you respond when reality and those expectations collide head on?

Number One: (This is critical.) Don’t run to social media for your answers and for comfort.

Number Two: Make sure you are following number one.
What you will find on social media, the long posts, the shorts, the reels and the scholarly lectures from “experts”, is that most often the blame is always directed at the other party. It’s THEIR fault!
And blaming your spouse feels good (in the moment). It feels so good, in fact, that you will completely ignore your own failures and insufficiencies. I know, I jumped headlong into the vortex, certain that the answer to my problems would be in the next video or book that I read.
Imagine my surprise, when after countless hours of investigation (made possible by the University of YouTube), and long, sleepless nights of analyzing conversations, that the ultimate cause of my marital discontent was unmistakable and undeniably revealed to be—me.
But the videos and the books did not reveal that bombshell to me; the word of God did.
I was EXPECTING to find what they were doing wrong and how to “fix” it. Instead, I found that God never commanded me to fix anyone else (my spouse included). What He did command was for me to perform my vows because I made them to Him.

So, there’s your Number Three—be obedient, in spite of your circumstances and God will honor that.
“Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord” 1 Corinthians 15:58.
The pain that I experienced, just like the pain that you have, is real. But if pain or injustice is perpetrated against me, even by my spouse, it does not absolve me of my own failures or release me from the vow. You and I are not responsible for the pain that others cause us but we are responsible for what we do with it.
What social media is more than happy to tell us and sell in a well-designed package is that your spouse is the one to blame. This will grow into bitterness and discontent until it destroys your marriage.
So, what expectations should you have about marriage?
It will be difficult.
But I promise you, it is worth it. The husband and wife in Proverbs 31 promise you that it is worth it. Just buckle up first, the road to get there will be a little bumpy.

The (happily married) Man of God at Large