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Part 2- Do You Want to Get Married?

April 14, 2017

This is a letter from a new husband, a good friend of ours, extolling his new wife, copied from Facebook 2-22-17:

Six months have well-nigh passed since our sacred union—six of the fullest of my time on the earth. I have never known such quality and purpose of life as I have found in living with such a beautiful, kind, intelligent, helpful, and godly woman as my dear wife. (I love to say “my wife.”) Sweetheart, you have taught me things I didn’t know were to be learned, and for which life is fuller and better. You have loved me well, which is hard to believe. You have not only endured my silliness and immaturity, but have laughed with me and accepted me fully. You place no conditions on your love, which is priceless. You are loyal, and your heart is pure. You have vision and understanding of the Lord Jesus and his body, which I did not see and appreciate heretofore. Your service to Christ is of high repute. Your love for the saints goes before and behind you. I have gained fame and reputation simply by being your husband. It is a joy and honor of immense proportions for me to call you mine.
What else shall I say? Time faileth me to express all that is to be said pertaining to your worth. Suffice it to quote a sage of old who knew a few things about love:
“Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck. How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine!” (Song of Solomon 4:9–10)

Much can be learned from this sweet letter.

This man deeply values his bride’s appreciation of him. When a woman’s love, respect, and honor for her man rise above his low points, he will have great liberty to love her and become more than he would have been had she been dissatisfied with his lack of spiritual understanding or public acclaim. This statement is a marriage-saving jewel.
All men come into marriage dumb and immature, at least that is the assessment of most females. We girls value female strengths that men don’t develop until they have been married to a patient woman for a period of time. To us judgmental women, men seem to be carnal, selfish, and insensitive. We are appalled at how fleshly a man can be and how much time he can waste on worthless pursuits, sports, or hobbies. This judgmental attitude seems to be ingrained in females, and for the most part we see it as being a righteous trait. God help me to help you see how damning this attitude really is to both finding a husband and having a loving marriage.

As we said in the previous article, the homeschool Law Makers had many virtues and for the most part left a fine legacy, except for one blatant error. During the Law Makers’ era, spiritual insight in a female was at its height. It was cherished and thus cultivated as a godly trait. Young ladies were carefully schooled to appreciate the mature and godly constraints of a highly disciplined older man. Many young girls became masters at detecting faults and mixed motives—a skill valuable to an older person, but a serious problem to a young lady. Once this spiritual astuteness becomes the standard by which a girl measures others, especially the men who would approach her, it is very difficult for her to see it as ugly. It is difficult to put a finger on it and say guilty, but when it is present in anyone, especially in a young lady, it leaves those touched by it feeling icky. This is why as the Law Makers movement began to fade, it left in its wake an army of unmarried young women.

This “spirituality” is felt by others to be manipulative criticism and is, in fact, a critical spirit. It is also kin to a controlling spirit. It is the Jezebel spirit, and until a woman sees it as sin rather than “having standards,” those around her—including available men—will maintain their distance. All women are guilty of this from time to time, but for the Law Makers unmarried female, it is truly a problem.

Sorry to be the bearer of nasty news, but it is time to have babies, and we must get the show on the road! With each passing year, the pool of available young men grows exponentially smaller.

The good news is that when we speak at shindigs, I notice that there are still a number of young men actively hunting wives. Be advised: don’t be a SNOB, because all these men (really just grown boys) will seem very immature. They are unfinished men and will be quite imperfect to your discerning eye. Keep in mind that at one time your wise daddy was most likely the same way.

The irony is that most of these available men were raised at the height of the homeschool Law Makers era, so they well remember the behind-the-scenes critiques of their sisters and mother, and they will have heard the horror stories of prolonged “I would like to get to know your daughter” ordeals that other young men experienced at the hands of patriarchal fathers and helicopter mothers. They calculate the obstacles and emotional entanglements it would take to get close to you, and if they sense the critical eye in you, they will write you off after fifteen seconds and move on to the lighthearted, smiling, less mature and less discerning younger girl who appears willing and ready to become a bride without issuing the third degree.

The guys know they have major areas in their life that need radical improvement, so just being around a girl with a critiquing spirit causes them to shy away. It is a paradox. These men want a righteous woman to raise their children, but they don’t want to live under the reign of their virtuous wife’s sensitive conscience. All men, and especially young men, just want a lovely young woman to affirm them of their worth, even if they have little. I know, for many of these men have confided in us. They don’t want a girl to look at them with a discerning and critical eye.

In the unedited and unsolicited letter above, you read the profound relief and great appreciation the young husband expressed in this statement: “You have loved me well, which is hard to believe. You have not only endured my silliness and immaturity, but have laughed with me and accepted me fully. You place no conditions on your love, which is priceless.”
More than half of rectifying a problem is simply being convinced there IS a problem and coming to an understanding of its nature. It is your choice. If there is the slightest doubt in your mind that I am spot-on, then by all means continue as usual. But if you want to marry and have a man thrilled to have you as his wife (like the guy who wrote the letter to his very wise bride), then listen to the aged woman’s startling advice. Start practicing today changing not only your responses but your thoughts as well.

Let me warn you: you have been nurtured into the image of a Pharisee. It is now part of your character. For the rest of your life, your initial and natural response will be to judge the motives and actions of your husband and those around you. You will look down on lack of decorum, silly comments, or irreligious decision, and you might be totally correct, but who are you to be the keeper of the gate? Your whole life has schooled you to judge. If you see your fault and would change, you must begin schooling yourself in mercy and grace.
Mike has always described girls who men find most appealing as “vulnerable.” They are not guarded. They don’t appear to be weighing the motives of others. The gate to their soul is open. Their eyes are alight with interest and curiosity. They appear to be having fun and living in a state of serenity. They are wise and discerning but not critical or judgmental. They don’t think of themselves as better than those around them.

Here is the advice found on page 37 of Created to Be His Help Meet:

Practice makes perfect. Practice having a merry and thankful heart (open, non-judgmental spirit). I have known people who, though they did not have a natural knack for music, started piano lessons and practiced every day. After two or three years, their fingers moved across the keys easily, and their music sounded sweeter and more fluid every time I heard them. If you ask them, “How do you know to hit all those notes?” they answer, “Practice. I’ve practiced so much, I don’t think about it. It just happens.” Life is like that. Most people have practiced hitting the notes of bitterness, sourness, hurt feelings, and frustration so long that their soul finds the discordant (disparaging) notes easily, almost without thought. [For Law Makers girls, it is not bitterness but feeling a need to make straight something they feel is crooked, or rejecting someone because he is crude.] But you don’t have to keep on practicing discord; you can practice joy and thanksgiving just as easily and certainly with more pleasure. Every day, every right response makes the fingers of your soul find the notes of joy and thanksgiving more easily, until it is so natural that people will say to you, “I am not like you; I just don’t have a bubbly personality. I’m not a happy person. How can I have joy?” And you will be able to tell them, “Practice makes perfect.”

Practical Applications

Getting OUT

The next thing I would suggest is to start serving outside your circle. Mix with sinners and love them. Apply for a job at the hospital (even as a volunteer for late-night emergencies to comfort the family or provide pillows, etc.). Get a job at the coffee shop or become a waitress. Do volunteer work for political rallies or courthouse meetings. Offer to help at sports events or church fund raisers. It shouldn’t be YOUR church or group. Get outside your box. Look on the web for events happening and call, offering to help. Any place where good people gather for social or political events is the place you need to be. Remember that MOST of the available men outside your circle are not going to be homeschool heroes, so do not get high and lofty about that detail.

Church Hopping

Go to the Sunday and Wednesday evening services of churches that are not your own. Make sure you introduce your smiling self to several older women at the church, because older women usually have sons, and some of those men might not be married. Also, help with the married couple’s events (babysit, etc.), because they all know someone who is looking for a wife and you “seem to be perfect!” If you are musical, then make your gift useful. Holding back is selfish and screams “closed gate!” Create a nice brochure advertising your desire to clean and decorate houses for special occasions and give it to the older ladies. It doesn’t matter whether you want a job; you will just be leaving your contact information with the ladies when you move on to the next new church. Before you leave, be sure to explain to a couple of the ladies that you need to go to your own church but will always come back around. Plan on dropping in occasionally, because one of the older women might have thought of a fine young man and just wished you were still around.

Good Love Story

A few months ago, a young evangelist and his wife came to our house. Their two children were babies, so I knew they must have been married only 3 or 4 years, yet they appeared to be in their thirties. I asked her to tell me her love story. It was fascinating! She said she waited at home for God to bring her a husband, but the years passed and there were no opportunities and no men in her tiny country area. She pined away as the only child left at home with her aging parents. A friend heard of a very old lady who needed someone to live with her. Since there was nothing for her to do, she accepted the job in this faraway, cold state. She told me that she and the 94-year-old lady became best of friends and traveled and did all kinds of projects together. Her life had never been happier or fuller! But the old lady saw time passing and was concerned for her young friend. She contacted a traveling evangelist who had once sojourned a few weeks in her home and encouraged the single man to come back for a restful stay between his meetings. Long story short; he came and met the young woman. They spent many happy evenings talking, playing music together, laughing with the sleepy old lady, and falling in love. I felt bubbly all over hearing her story and seeing her joy. I want to be a matchmaking old lady like that! What really made me love this girl was how glowingly she spoke of the old lady (who soon passed in her sleep) and the great times they had together.

The Moral of the Story

If where you are and what you have been doing aren’t opening doors, then it is time to consider a change.


Mike and I stop in at Hardee’s (the fast-food joint) on occasion. Early in the morning the place is full of old widowed men. They come to eat and talk, for they are lonesome in an empty house. Around 10 a.m., when the old men are at home taking a nap, the old widowed ladies come in. Then during the lunch hour, the place smells faintly of sweat from the hard-working, dirty young men who fill the seats. I look around and think to myself, “I guess if I die, Mike should drop in around 10 a.m., but if he dies I will have to get up really early. Just saying…

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5 comments on “Part 2- Do You Want to Get Married?”

  1. As a mother of all boys, now young men, I can really say amen to this article. My homeschooled young men are bright, capable, own real estate and have their own businesses. They have not been raised with tv or video games, instead being raised on acreage shooting birds, hunting and fishing, and building stuff out of scrap wood, or roping off their horses, etc., so they are very much in the real world. They are 20 and younger. Because they have businesses, have dealt all their life with adults, and we have taught them, they have excellent conversational skills. The older has made the mistake of visiting with the brother of a patriarchal young woman his age for a couple of days due to his possible interest with his sister (with no indication of his interest) and has been treated like a leper by the whole family, including not spoken to at mealtimes for the entire trip because he had outdoor hobbies that they felt were "idols". Lesson learned about patriarchal families!lol
    The other problem is that it seems girls are being taught not to speak to young men, and as a result, many fine girls are being interpreted by young men as snobby or too much trouble to try to get to know. They show no encouragement ar interest, even if they are interested, because they have been taught only not to talk to boys, not how TO talk to boys. As parents, we often shake our heads because these girls are doomed to be passed over by most young men, who invariably prefer the girls(however imperfect) who will actually show a bit of interest or encouragement by responding with returned conversation. My message here is PLEASE, parents of girls, teach them discernment, but also teach them how to politely CONVERSE with a young man. We know many fine young women approaching 30 and over who are facing the bitter harvest of not having been taught this vital skill. My young men have better conversational skills than most, and even they are getting discouraged by this lack of response and passing over fine young women because they visit their house, or speak to them on occasion in appropriate settings, and the conversational ball is simply dropped by the girl. Even after 5 or more interactions on different occasions.
    A friend of mine with many girls was commenting how many more girls than boys there were at most shindigs, conferences, etc. we go to. She had a great revelation. As bread winners they are going to christian colleges and choosing wives there, and not coming back to consider the nice young women at home. I thought, at college they probably found some girl who would actually TALK to them!

    1. @A -- It's very true, one of the problems is that girls ARE being taught not to talk to boys, or else they're never taught how to. I for one was highly discouraged, and at times forbidden, to talk to young men when I was at home. (I know many other such girls.) I eventually went to a small missionary school that has a great environment for singles to interact all year. The first young man I met there, I (and some other girls) hardly made eye contact with him all our first semester. But he never gave up on us and my friendship with him taught me much in the way of interaction. Some of us are still good friends with him to this day. By the time I met my husband-to-be a couple years later, I was a lot more free in myself. We had many good conversations leading up to us getting together. But generally, girls are taught to avoid the young men lest they "defraud" them, and simultaneously they're taught a great respect for older men. Therefore many girls I know (and I was one) have good, close relationships with the all the older men in the church, and no young men are asking them out. (Yes, I said "ask out" a "date". *sly smile* ;-P)

  2. Concerning the article itself, I don't think I never put 2 and 2 together: girls are taught such a respect for older men (which is good), and such an avoidance of younger men, that their experience is all with older men (as you said, they're taught to appreciate the maturity of an older man). These will likely be far more mature and different than the younger men. But the girls don't know how to interact with younger men. They don't know how to deal with their faults, and they don't know the value of growing together. It is important to look at the potential in people rather than just the good. I sought a husband who would not be perfect, but sensitive to God; not all-knowing, but teachable; not all-wise, but on the path of wisdom. Because I knew I wasn't perfect, knowledgeable, or wise, but I wanted myself to be on the right path, and a husband I could walk it with together. Older men have already walked that path, or are far ahead of us. And girls only interact with these men nowadays. Perhaps girls should see their own deficiency - see how far behind on the path of wisdom they are. Then maybe they'll seek someone like themselves, someone on their level, someone they can grow WITH.

  3. I really enjoyed your article. It is true to an extent. I was a girl very much like this I accidentally fell in love with my husband who at the time was not living up to my standards at all and wasn’t a Christian but he attended church with me and through a guest speaker came to know the Lord and realized he had never been a Christian even though he thought he was because he wasn’t any other religion and believed in God and wasn’t against Christianity. He is now a wonderful husband who grows closer to the lord every day and I’m so glad he stayed when I told him to leave after the second date when I was being picky. But I do have a question for you. Not a trick question but a genuine one. I have three unmarried sisters. They’re great and you would love them I promise. But I don’t know if you know this or not but the issue of pornography has completely infiltrated so many men including christian young men And maybe especially including young men who are trying to wait on sex for marriage. My sisters would like a guy who hasn’t slept with a lot of other girls and also one who isn’t currently dealing with a pornography addiction. This man I just described is so few and far between. My heart breaks for my sisters because I want them to experience the joy of having a family that I am experiencing. But it happens so often that they are getting to know a guy who they really like and then he confesses a current porn addiction and they really don’t want to try to raise a family with a guy who is not strong enough to give that up. Do you have any advice for them?