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The Jezebel Profile

February 15, 2002

Every day I read many letters from women who are having trouble in their marriage. I also receive letters from women testifying of the victory they have received and of healing that has occurred.

I have developed a lot of insight through reading these testimonies of successes and failures. My husband and I have searched the Scriptures to find answers for the many domestic issues that are presented to us.

The causes of marital failure are many and varied. There is no one cause or single issue. The man is at fault just as much as the woman, but it is nearly always the woman who seeks answers. Men just go to work and learn to live with it—or flee from it. Women ask, “What can I do to heal my marriage?” I am a woman. Men don’t usually ask me for advice—which is as it should be. So I speak to women, and for that I am often accused of being one-sided. Women ask, “Why do you always blame the women; what about the men?” So to the women I say, you cannot change 100% of the marriage, but you can change 50% of it, and that may improve your marriage by 200%.

Our readers are a unique group. They are spiritually minded, church going, Bible believing, mostly homeschooling, and very family centered in perspective. This profile lends itself to several unique sources of irritation to the marriage. Your letters and testimonies have enabled us to identify one of the most common problem on the woman’s side. It is the Jezebel spirit.

When the name Jezebel comes to mind, most of us see the painted face of a seductively dressed woman gazing into the eyes of a man who lacks good sense. The Bible portrays Jezebel in a different light.

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Revelation 2:20 says that Jezebel “calleth herself a prophetess,” and men received her as a teacher. This was given as a warning to the church. The one whom you have received as a spirit filled teacher comes to you in the great tradition of Jezebel. We have observed that many wives have stalled their half of the marriage by assuming the spiritual headship of the home. They would teach their husbands. But consider 1 Cor. 14:34-35, “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.”

I went back to I Kings to see what the Bible had to say about this woman Jezebel. The first thing I noticed was that Jezebel was more religious than her husband. She was spiritually intense. The Bible says in 1 Cor 11:3, “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” As a woman, our place is under our husband, especially in the spiritual realm. Regardless of our circumstances, when we take the spiritual lead, we have stepped out from under our head. We have tried to rearrange God’s designated place for us. We are no longer in God’s will.

The second thing I observed was that Ahab was emotionally volatile—unstable. Is your husband prone to retreat? Is he bitter, angry, or depressed? When a woman takes the lead, she is playing the masculine role. Unless her husband fights her for supremacy, he must assume second place. And men who are forced into spiritual subjection to their wives tend to be angry and retreat like Ahab.

The third thing I noticed was that she used his emotional stress to endear herself to him—strange way of lording over the husband. Jezebel manipulated and accused an innocent man, then had him murdered so that Ahab might have the vineyard he wanted. Ahab kept his face to the wall and let her do her dark deeds. Today, if a woman is willing to play her husband’s role in directing the family, he will lose his natural drive to bear responsibility.

In the dominant role, a woman quickly becomes emotionally and physically exhausted. God made us the weaker vessels. If you are in this exhausted state, then chances are you’re carrying a load not meant for you. It is not for you to press your husband to do his duty to be spiritual. You are to live joyfully in the context he provides.

The fourth thing that jumped out at me was that Ahab could easily be manipulated by his wife to suit her purposes. Jezebel used him to set up images as aids to worship under her own prophets and to kill God’s prophets. Often, a man becomes involved in the Church, not because God has called him or because it is in his heart to do so, but because he is trying to please his wife and at least LOOK spiritual. When a husband steps into a spiritual role at his wife’s beckoning, he becomes vulnerable to her guidance in that role. This is against nature, and often brings conflict in the family and in the church.

Ahab chose not to notice when his wife worked behind the scenes. Many men turn their heads when they see their wives stepping out of their God-given role. These men would rather not have to deal with the stone-cold anger they would receive from their wives if they offered any resistance. Have you been there, done that?

Jezebel knew that she was not the rightful head, so she invoked her husband’s name to give her word authority. Did you ever say, “Oh, my husband will not let me do that,” when you knew in truth he really would not care? It is a way to maintain control and stop those who would question you. When a woman does this, she stops any ministry God has to her.

Jezebel was deeply concerned about spiritual matters and took steps to help promote her spiritual leaders. In the process, she provoked her husband to destroy those in spiritual authority she did not like. Have you ever influenced your husband to think evil of those in authority because you did not like something about them? When a woman comes to this place she might as well sign her name “Jezebel.”

God has a plan for women. He revealed his will in many verses in clear, concise commands. He gives a revealing picture of what he abhors in a woman by introducing us to Jezebel, then reaffirming in the New Testament just what it was about her character that he found so despicable.

He reveals his will in a positive note in the stories of the women whom he honored. The story of Ruth tells of a young girl who had known tragedy, extreme poverty, and hard menial work, yet she maintained a positive, thankful, and submissive attitude. God blessed Ruth because her own personal success and happiness were not the driving forces in her life.

Esther is the story of a girl who lost all of her family and was taken by force to become the wife of an older, divorced, heathen man. She was put (by her husband’s decree) in danger of losing her own life as well as the lives of all her people. Yet, she overcame her circumstances and her fear in order to honor her husband. The Scripture teaches that when her husband heard her honest appeal, delivered with gracious dignity, she won his heart, and he turned to save her people. God used Esther because God’s will was more important to her than her own fulfillment.

Proverbs 31 defines the virtuous woman. She is NOT a mousy, voiceless prude. She is confident, hard working, creative, and resourceful. She uses her time wisely, and contributes to the family income. Her first virtue is that the heart of her husband is safe with her. It says that she will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. That is, he can trust her with his thoughts and feelings, never fearing that she might use the private knowledge she has of him to hurt him in any way. Some men maintain a distance from their wives because if they reveal themselves, their wives will use it against them when they are out of sorts.

If this passage had been written from our modern perspective, it would have extolled her for having a “quiet time,” prayer time, fellowship time, and would have projected an image of a prayer warrior, teacher, or counselor. In all the Scriptural profiles of righteous women, including Proverbs 31, none of those concepts are even mentioned. A Proverbs 31 woman is busy helping her husband become successful. She is too busy being productive to spend time being his conscience. In our culture, we have lost a clear understanding of what constitutes a virtuous woman. We have accepted the modern concept of the “spiritual” woman, circulating in the realm of religious power, and have forgotten that God does not see them in this same “glorious” light. What we think is spiritual, God labels “Jezebel.” “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD (Isa. 55:8).”

In order to become a righteous woman, reaping the benefits of having our man adore us, we must follow God’s principles of womanhood and totally reject the Jezebel tendency.

God laid down a few simple rules that must be followed because they are consistent with our feminine nature and the nature of men. It was Ruth’s virtuous and humble, yet feminine, bold example that caused Boaz to love and admire her. It was Esther’s submission to this principle that won the King’s love and appreciation for her as a woman and as his queen. These women showed themselves womanly and lovable in the midst of extreme circumstances. God honored them with favor from the men in their lives.

Dominance and control are always masculine. It is a hormonal thing. It is the way God designed male nature. It is important for a woman to understand that she has to be feminine (devoid of dominance and control) in order for her man to view her as his exact counterpart and thus respond to her protectively, with love and gentleness.

God designed us, so he knows what our husbands need in order to function properly in their roles as men who cherish the woman in their life. By nature, men need honor (this includes not questioning their decisions). They need respect (treated as if they are wise). They need reverence (daily admired as a man who is accomplishing great things). They need to be accepted for who and what they are, just like they are. Men need to feel they are in command and doing a good job.

An important part of man is a God-given, natural instinct to bring his wife pleasure. If a woman is to be greatly treasured she will choose to find pleasure in the way the man presents himself and his care. All these traits are basic masculine needs. We were created as a helpmeet to the man we married, fulfilling who and what he is. This is God’s will for us as women. When we as women obey God by responding to the needs of our husband, we are worshipping and honoring God. “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man (1 Cor. 11:9).”

God created you to fulfill your husband’s basic masculine needs. Only in that role will you find peace and cause your man to respond to you in loving adoration. This role of submission is totally feminine. It is the exact counterpart for his masculine needs. “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. (Gen 2:18).”

A woman who criticizes her husband for watching too much TV no longer honors him. When a woman tries to control areas of their life together because she thinks she is right, she is usurping authority over him, and lording over him. A depressed, discontented woman, who feels that her husband does not meet her needs, is dishonoring God.

Hurt feelings are a way to control. Silence and emotional retreat are ugly, destructive ways to control both your husband and your children. Anger, sickness, exhaustion, and even fear are all used to control those you care about. Some women control their husband by having an intense spiritual hunger. Jezebel comes in many disguises.

There are many various and subtle ways to control and direct your husband. One of the ways to take control is to tell your husband that you want him to be the spiritual leader in the home and then let him know that you are waiting to follow. You can lead from behind just by clearing your throat at the right moment. Many nice homeschooling moms are the spiritual leaders in their homes. They play the masculine role spiritually. How this must grieve the Holy Spirit of God. Often the excuse is that we cannot serve two masters, and since our husband is carnal, we have to take the higher ground. Like Eve, we are so deceived. “And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression (1 Tim 2:14).”

A man cannot cherish a strong woman who has expressed her displeasure with him and is holding out until he fulfills her ideal. You say he should have Christ’s love. Is that what you want? Do you want your husband to have to seek supernatural power just to find a way to love you? What most men cherish in their wives is the memory when love was fun and free, with no demands—the time when she smiled at him with a sweet, girlish, “I think you are wonderful” look. She was so feminine then, so much the woman. It was a time when he wanted to hold her just because she was his, a time when he wanted to give her everything. A vague memory keeps him hoping. He is as disappointed in love as you are, maybe more. He is just as lonely. He just fills up his loneliness doing things that will distract him from the reality of the emptiness he knows is there but does not know how to fix. His helpmeet is not pleased with him. He is a loser.

The very first command God gave to a woman was, “Thy desire shall be unto thy husband and he shall rule over thee (Gen. 3:16).” Is your desire toward your husband? Do you desire him as a man? Do you live to please him? Does he rule over you? This is God’s will.

Being a Jezebel is an active role—actively controlling, actively doing our own thing. Being a Ruth or an Esther is just as active. It is a decision we make hundreds of times each day as we choose to joyfully honor our husbands.

God’s reward is without measure. Men are like clay in the hands of a woman whom they can trust with their hearts. A man, lost or saved, responds to a woman who honors him. When a woman looks to her husband with a face that is full of laughter and delight, he will look forward to being with her. If her voice speaks words of thanksgiving and joyful appreciation of him, he will want to listen to her. If her actions are full of service and creativity, and if she has goodwill towards him, he will be drawn to her as a bee is to honey. This kind of lady is altogether feminine. She is what God created and gave to Adam.

Deep in our heart we all want the same thing. We all want to be loved and cherished. We all cry out with our utmost being to be treasured in the heart of our husbands. It is the greatest honor on earth to know your husband is thrilled that you are his woman. It passes all of earth’s blessings to feel his gaze upon you and know that you are his greatest gift, his most prized possession, his best friend, his favorite pastime, his only chum, and his delight as a lover. It is a great joy to know that he is actually proud you are his. It is not remembering birthdays, opening the door of a car, or other silly customs that we crave, it is the knowledge that he is totally taken with us. We want him to want us. We simply want to be loved. It is God’s perfect will for our husbands to love us. It is God’s perfect will for us to honor, obey and reverence our husbands. God’s way works. If what you are doing this year has not worked, why not go God’s way?

1 Cor. 11:7 “For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.”
1 Cor. 11:8 “For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.”
1 Cor. 11:9 “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”

Debi Pearl

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43 comments on “The Jezebel Profile”

  1. So very sobering. God has spoken to me through His truth expounded in this article. My husband and I have had our share of troubles, but I see now that the biggest troubles have been me. Proverbs 14:1 Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. I see the results in the children. This article and the audio about Honoring Daddy, have just hit me up this evening. It is me! I have blamed him for so long. Recently I have thought to ask God to change me. He is showing me that it is very much me that needs the changing. Then after I get right if there is something wrong, he can work on my man as 1 Peter 3:1 says .
    However, right now I have got to change for myself, my marriage, and my children.
    Thanks, I needed this article.

  2. Such a great article- it really opens up my eyes to so many things I do and say that are damaging, when I don't even realize it. I'm glad I read this on this website, but I wish this article in it's entirety had been published in "Created to Be His Help Meet". Thank you so much!

  3. thank you for sharing with us what the Lord has shown you in order to help us realize how wrong we were, thinking we were correct.
    thank you again for being so open.

  4. I don't fully understand all of this but I want to learn and practice until I do. It's a lot easier to point the finger than examine your own heart. Thankful that every day is a fresh start!

  5. I agree with Courtney; this article should have been printed in full in CTBHH. This article changed my life for the better. I first read it 8 years ago. The entire article spoke to me, but what really got me was "you can lead from behind by clearing your throat". That was me! But no more! Each year since I first read this article has been more glorious for our marriage than ever before! Thanks Debi!

  6. I have been so convicted by reading this article. Thank you for posting this, even though some people do not agree. It is Biblical, and oh my does it work! I have fallen away from respecting my husband and our marriage has suffered as a result. Time to get back to my heavenly duties!!

  7. Oh, Debi. I am in agony, just broken-hearted. I don't know what to do or to whom to turn. Reading this article helps me somewhat, but ... how do I put it into action? I do NOT want to be a Jezebel!

    The back history - Hubby and I have been married 18.5 years. We are in our 13th year of homeschooling, and we have what would be called a "reformed" look at modern church. We have 4 kids (18, almost-13, 9, 2). We would've had more if I didn't have PCOS (layman's terms: my hormones are out of whack, and I have difficulty conceiving). Nevertheless, we

  8. @Christi - Part of the problem is the unbiblical perspective of sex, pregnancy and birth control that you and your husband have that is based on the traditions of men and not the Bible. Correcting this perspective and accepting God

  9. Ok. Thank you. I have CTBHHM. I read it several years ago. I'll read it again. Is it wise for me to read Holy Sex by myself if he's not open to reading it with me?

    You said, "Part of the problem is the unbiblical perspective of sex, pregnancy and birth control that you and your husband have that is based on the traditions of men and not the Bible." Are you able to be more specific as to how his or my views of them are not Biblical, please? I'd really thought our views *were* Biblical (until he turned 40) and that we'd repented of having the "traditional" mindset of men, that it was an area on which the veil was pulled back, that our views on sex, pregnancy, and birth control were grounded in Scripture, our minds renewed. Your answer will help me know what to look for, where the "kink in my think" is, when I reread CTBHHM.

    Thank you so much for your response and time. May God continue to bless you and your ministry.

  10. This is the complete opposite of feminism, which is the embodiment of feminine selfishness and a complete rejection of Biblical teaching on godly womanhood. I have seen this ruin more marriages than I can count, include my parent's marriage. This plunged us into crushing poverty and put my sisters and I in harms way. It is a miracle we are all still alive today. My mom caught a bad case of feminism at the local university, and from then on she considered it a moral imperative that my dad could not tell her what to do. I still remember them arguing over dinner.

    I'm still trying to follow this, not perfectly, but I know my husband brags about me to his friends, so I must be doing pretty good. He always fussed when I would cut my hair, so I stopped cutting it, and he was thrilled. My friends are always spending time at the beauty salon, but I am too busy to spend a lot of time there. I have my hair trimmed once or twice a year to keep it neat. A male friend of mine once said that women were liars because they make themselves gorgeous to catch their man, and then when they have him where they want him, they start wearing frumpy clothing, let themselves get fat, and cut off all their hair. I was shocked at the time, but realized it's true. I dress for my husband and do my hair so that he is pleased and keep myself healthy and attractive. It's really not about me, it's about him. It reminds me of that old hymn, Trust and Obey . . . .

  11. When I saw the title of this post I thought this was not for me. As I started reading it though I was shocked to see it was for me. I have struggled every year of my marriage with seasonal depression. Somehow my husband feels this is his fault, or he is doing something wrong. I am happy, I just am more emotional for a few months with less sun. When I read the line "His helpmeet is not pleased with him. He is a loser." I started crying. I don't want to have my husband feel like this. I plan to use a book I read on love languages, and your advice here to encourage him. I need to thank him often for all he does, and how much he makes me feel loved. I felt guilty when I read about how wives can use their words to influence him to think negatively about someone in the church (such as nursery directors or workers). I hope I have not ever been a stumbling block to him, and caused him to criticize or dislike someone based on my bias thoughts.

  12. I am so new to this way of living and have many questions. I hope you will bear with me. The article says, "As a woman, our place is under our husband, especially in the spiritual realm. Regardless of our circumstances, when we take the spiritual lead, we have stepped out from under our head."

    This makes me wonder.....Do you think it is wise for me to attend church and take my two sons (under 9 yrs old) without my husband? He does not go to church. His work is seasonal. When he is working 6 days a week for 10-12 hours a day, we do not go to church and spend Sunday with him instead, which is what he has told me he wants. When he works 7 days a week (gone on Sunday) or is off work all week, we sometimes go to church and he does not care. So I have his permission to go, but I wonder if I am stepping out from under his authority if I am going without him. Should I be concerned about being easily deceived? I also grew up in church and was saved at a young age where he did not. So I struggle with being more familiar with the word of God than he is. He made a profession of faith before we were married but does not read the bible or pray (as far as I know). I want to be under his spiritual authority. Does that mean that I should not be trying to learn more than what he knows? I really just want to please God and my husband! Thanks if you can help me!

  13. Curious where all the comments are from those who disagree with this? They are not given a voice? Well here is mine. The flaws of men are NOT the fault of women. This Jezebel nonsense has been used forever to shame women and blame them for the flaws of men.

  14. With respect, Cheri Todd, I have read quite a bit of the Pearls' material over the last decade, and, taken as a whole, not one of the Pearls' writings says that a man's sin is attributable to the woman. Men (and women)--we all--will stand alone before God at some point to answer for our sins. But a wife can only change her part of the equation; when you really get down to it, no one can really change anyone else. We do have the power to encourage others and our mates, but we cannot change them; people have to choose to change themselves (free will). So Debi Pearl is writing here to the woman in the equation of marriage and encouraging her to change "her 50%" if you want to label it that way (re-read the first part of the article). You can believe that Michael Pearl addresses men just as critically (critical in a good way) and challenges them to improve "their 50%" of the marriage as well; I don't believe he encourages men blaming women, just as Debi Pearl does not encourage women to blame men (blaming does not help any situation). I don't see "blaming or shaming" here either, as you put it. I see a fairly good representation of the Bible/the Word here, though I don't consider anyone's writings to be on par with the Bible. By the way, I DO have my own independent "voice" and thoughts. I am a follower of Jesus, not a follower of the Pearls, as in, I use critical thinking with their writings and am not the type to agree with everything just because they wrote it. From what I read, I have seen that the Pearls encourage critical thinking; they have encouraged readers to hold up what they say to the Word of God to test it. Be careful if you buy everything that any human writes from a "lock, stock, and barrel" perspective; that type of belief should only be reserved for God's Word. I have been encouraged for a long time by what they write and when I CHOOSE to put it into practice in my marriage, it works!

    1. Vaughan, you said "not one of the Pearls’ writings says that a man’s sin is attributable to the woman". This article says, "Is your husband prone to retreat? Is he bitter, angry, or depressed? When a woman takes the lead, she is playing the masculine role. Unless her husband fights her for supremacy, he must assume second place. And men who are forced into spiritual subjection to their wives tend to be angry and retreat like Ahab." So here we see the wife being blamed for the man's emotional issues. He's angry and its her fault because she's trying to force him into "spiritual subjection" (whatever that means). Then the article tells women, "A depressed, discontented woman, who feels that her husband does not meet her needs, is dishonoring God." Did you get that? The man's emotional problems are the woman's fault AND her own emotional issues are her fault. What gaslighting!

      I also need to point out that Ms. Pearl says "The very first command God gave to a woman was, “ 'Thy desire shall be unto thy husband and he shall rule over thee (Gen. 3:16).' Is your desire toward your husband? Do you desire him as a man? Do you live to please him? Does he rule over you? This is God’s will." This is not God's will. The scripture quoted was the fallout of the curse leveled on humanity after the fall. God's first command to women, and men, was "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it".

      Everyone, please be good Bereans and read further before you accept any of this misogyny. I refer you to http://www.cbeinternational.org/ where you can click on the resources tab and see the articles and blogs posted there. Unlike this article, I have found the ones at cbeinternational to be biblically sound, theologically well reasoned, and Christ-like in their approach to both men and women.

  15. I just read the last paragraph....that filled the bill for me....it makes me yearn even more for a beloved Christian man....I believe I have found him....time will tell.

  16. I appreciate your heart for women and practical advice for supporting our husbands at home!
    For me it is helpful to remember that conflict in marriage is a result of humanity's original rebellion against God...part of the Genesis curse...but in Christ who is making all things new, we can live in kindness, gentleness, patience and humility, as He transforms us by His Spirit... "The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it" (1Thessalonians 5:24).

  17. I realize that right now I am a Jezebel, and have effectively taken over leadership of our home in many aspects. I do not want this responsibility, yet my husband "delegates" many things to me. He has made me provider and does not want me to stop working even after he graduates college, since I make more money than he will. He currently takes care of the kids and home schools. However, in homeschooling, he wants me to make all curriculum/teaching decisions, but then won't implement the majority of what I find or want the kids to do. He lets the kids watch so much TV/cartoons, they complain about doing the slightest bit of work and whine about wanting to watch cartoons or play on the computer. He also delegated finances to me and refuses to participate in financial planning/budgeting in any way, but also refuses to follow the budget I set up! I feel like I am in a no-win situation. I would love to be his help meet, but how can I when our roles are completely reversed and he has no goals other than what game to play today? (He does actually do a great job keeping up with his homework and grades, which gives me hope. But he has directly expressed his desire for me to continue in my job because of the money. I could live on a lot less, but I fear he has become accustomed to material things that he is not willing to give up.) Please help. I really do not know what to do or where to go from here, but my spirit is crushed and our marriage is suffering, and I can see the disrespect this is breeding in our 6-year-old.

    1. Wanting, first I want to commend you for taking care of your family and being a good provider. Second, you are not a Jezebel, you are the Proverbs 31 woman. Jezebel was an idol worshiper who encouraged her husband to murder (that's not you.) Even in the new testament the Jezebel spirit in Revelations encouraged people to commit sexual immorality (also not you). Your kids sound like normal kids, wanting to watch TV and not do chores. That's the way kids are. You are not Jezebel, you are the Proverbs 31 woman providing for her family and bringing food from afar. Also please be aware that your husband's shortcomings are NOT your fault, they are his own. It sounds like your husband is one of those people who appreciates someone else providing structure. If he won't voluntarily stick to a budget you are free to open an account for him and put in his budgeted amount on a regular basis. That is good stewardship of family income. The notion in this article that female submission changes men into superior humans is patently not true, and only makes women feel guilty. Men, and women also, are intelligent humans who are inclined to take the path of least resistance, which sounds like how you describe your husband. No one here can fix your situation, but you are free to manage the money to make things better for your family.

  18. Thank you so much for this. I have been convicted of some things. Thank you for helping me and the ones I share this article with. God's continued blessings to you.

  19. I can't say I disagree one bit... I just came across this article and it was a worthwhile and helpful read but I can't help but be confused about how to apply or improve things given so many experiences Ive encountered both in my life and those of others. For example, what's a woman to do when her husband insists on taking control of the home environment ---- type of sponge, detergent, how to clean and makes his wife feel like a failure all the while is not handling his own roles and responsibilities ... or a husband who gets married and treats his wife more like a roomate than a spouse no fault of her own... a husband who favors one child over another, or counters every form of consistent discipline that the mother sets out throughout the day making her life more challenging and removing any inkling of authority the mother has attempted to have with the children.. i can go on and on ... Does the wife just say Yes and do everything to her husbands liking... i guess im still confused with how to submit without being a doormat? (no sarcasm intended.. truly just confused)

  20. My wife and I have a very difficult time finding a First Century Church. Even after finding one, frequently the addition of one or two women, or exit of one or two women from the congregation upsets the whole apple cart! The change in the atmosphere is palpable. When I feel this change I tell my wife, 'There is too much estrogen in the room!' Shortly after the onset of this uneasiness the whole thing is usually revealed. One conservative congregation where we were attending had a pastor's wife who had been teaching in the women's group that Jesus Christ had to be a woman because the stain of Adamic sin was on the 'Y' chromosome.Therefore, in order for the savior to be 'without sin' she had to be a woman?! Sadly, one of many!

  21. Bless you ma, I have read your book Created to be a his help meet. It was an amazing book highly insightful and informative. When I started off in ministry of women 3 years ago,I was really critized and shunned by teaching exactly what's on this book before coming across it. Thank God for my supportive Husband who stood by me and encourage me. I came across this book, few days ago and it really Strengthened me because I am not alone. Thank you so much. I look forward to meeting you in person by God's grace. Linda Joseph.
    Nigeria

  22. I have always been grateful that you speak to women about being women. It seems we're frequently told we can measure our faults against the fault we find others. We can reassure ourselves that we're not 'that bad' in comparison. It is so much easier to see what 'they' are doing wrong than to take an honest look at ourselves. But I am not my husband. While I've read what God says about husbands, it is not my responsibility to make sure it's done. It is such a blessing to be able to study what He expects of just me. And to understand that I will only have to give an account for what I did with His instructions to me. Not to my husband.

  23. Waiting for all the heavy teaching about how a husband should live his wif as Christ lives the Church, or how a husband is to live in understanding of his wife. One without the other is dangerous.

  24. I happened to come across this article. As a man, this knowledge of what makes us tick and what motivates us to slay dragons for you women, is found in this article. I have lost my marriage to my wife of twenty five years and when I read this- it was like a story of what I felt all too often. Do not get me wrong- I have 100% responsibility in my part of the marriage, which I am sure can be summed up in another article. But what strikes me as dead on was the way this worked in the conversation I received from my ex. (manipulation, backseat driving, constant beatdown). I was a loser.
    What cost our marriage was that I woke up one day and decided to actually stop pacifying and appeasing, start living by core consistent values (at least try) and be the man that I knew my wife actually needed. That is the day after 23 years of marriage that I met a person who went to war with me. Sadly all of the passive control morphed into an all out direct confrontation- I became an abuser, a villain, a liar, unsaved and together with "wise and noble counselors" she turned her back on the convictions and life we built together- threw me under the bus claiming she was forced to live the way we did. Nothing has ever shook me to the core as what has happen to my marriage and family. While I will likely rehash what I failed in my marriage at times the rest of my life- I also will grieve how this "Jezebel" spirit so effectively did its job of destruction in our marriage. Please take heed sisters.
    And we were even a conservative- homeschooling- stay at home mom- with 12 children family.

  25. This is so eye opening and sobering to want to be set free to truly be in God’s will for us as women. Oh the bondage we put ourselves in, being deceived and not even knowing it. Thank you.

  26. I appreciate the reminder that I shouldn't be in charge. You are absolutely right in your characterization. I realize I do a lot of "disapproving" without even being aware of it; an unguarded attitude, a sigh, a spirit of impatience. The impact on my husband and our marriage is larger than I'd like to admit. In light of this article, I would like guidance on finding a balance. How do I, homeschooling mom of 9, teach my children in the Lord without usurping my precious husband? How much is too much, or how little is too little? If I step back and do not teach them, pray with them, read scripture with them, it does not happen. I am very easy going most of the time, and my hubby is a command man. We have a fairly solid 17 year old marriage, and we rarely even disagree. Since I am with the kids most of the time, I feel like he has delegated much of the hands on spiritual training to me. He seems content to let me step in in that area (of course it could be because I've inadvertently made him feel inadequate). What should I do? I don't necessarily want the role, or maybe I do and don't realize it. Should I just completely stop? I don't want to continue making him feel like I disapprove of him. Thank you!

  27. WOW ! I needed this reminder! Thank you Debi for the time it took for you to put this together for us to read and be convicted !
    Mrs. Dan Parry

  28. So what do we do if he won’t be the spiritual leader? Do the kids spiritually starve? What do we do when we have literally tried everything, including your advice, but he is just content to have everyone be spiritually lukewarm? I don’t want to be Jezebel. But I do long for spiritual leadership and connection. Thank you.

  29. PS I have been both the Jezebel woman and the Proverbs 31 woman. With God as my witness, I have. When I truly operated as the Proverbs 31 wife, all it did was give him license to be more carnal. Now, after 30 years, I just give up. I talk about spiritual things with my sons when my husband is not around. He is only excited when talking about hockey. I know he is a Christian, he’s just content to remain a milk baby Christian. To please me, he will attend a group Bible study once in a while. He endures. I hate it. I wish he wouldn’t come, but he does for the sake of his image. I do not get mad, I don’t. I even offe excuses for him not to attend, but he does, and he is miserable, so then I am too. I truly think a part of him does want deeper intimacy with the Lord, but he has such a difficult time having any depth in any relationship. I truly wonder if something is wrong. Or is that just men? So many of my friends have the same issue in wanting to connect with their men, but it seems like they just can’t. I actually feel sorry for my husband. He is a really good man and leader in a multitude of regards, I have just never been able to figure out how I am to handle the lack of spiritual leadership that I crave and hunger for. If I never spoke of God again, and we only went to church occasionally, I think he would be very content. And I would die.

  30. I am a man, and I approve this message.

    So much truth in this. And so much work to be done to heal men and women. Men experience relational loneliness (i.e. not having a woman) differently than women do. Women have tools to 'survive' loneliness that men don't have.

    Literally one 'side' of Adam in the Garden of Eden was fulfilled and not at all lonely: he walked with God Himself who is whole, made Creation whole, and makes everything whole; therefore Adam was whole and lacked nothing... but only on that one side. Adam had another 'side'; that other 'side' of Adam was lonely, because God hadn't yet created woman. When God put Adam to sleep, He took a rib out of that 'side' of Adam that was lonely for a woman; with that rib, God created Eve and brought her to Adam.

    This is why when a 'decent' man who is trying to do right finds himself lonely while in a relationship, he is especially lonely. I believe that if women knew what loneliness (i.e. loneliness pertaining to women/relationship) feels like for a man, they would understand men relationally a lot more. Women feel loneliness in terms of love: "I don't want to be lonely. I want to have someone who LOVEs me." But men feel loneliness in terms of fellowship: "I don't want to be alone. I want to have a FRIEND." Adam needed a friend-- but a more intimate friend than another male. Adam had animal friends; he had no human friends. Studies have shown that elderly women whose husbands die can live quite a long time afterwards. (In Luke 2:36-38, we meet Anna, a woman who'd been a widow for 60 or more years and was alive and kicking just fine.) But elderly men who lose their wives don't do as well, and some have died soon after their elderly wives died. This is because "the man was not made for the woman but the woman for the man." The woman was made to be a friend for the man-- the same 'support role' that the Holy Spirit plays for christians (therefore, ladies, your role may seem simply but is very important). But men do not play this role for women, therefore, men innately (by God's design) suffer more when alone (i.e. lacking intimate 'friendship') than women do.