Mike Pearl,
I know you don’t care who you make mad, so you are my last hope. Us guys need a voice.
I am 18. My church ministry is to teach eight guys, ages 13–15, guitar lessons on Sunday evening. We discuss the Bible and pray at each lesson. Here is our problem:
We have a fun youth group and a great youth pastor. At the youth meetings, one girl always wears a dress and usually during the meeting she opens her legs about five inches and creates the “shaft.” When she sits on the swivel stool it is really bad. Don’t laugh.
I talked to my mom and asked her to talk to the girl. Mom (divorced) just reasoned with me that you can’t really see anything but a flash of white, but mom just didn’t get it. It is like the most private thing of a girl and suddenly it is there in my face and it is REALLY distracting. I make an effort to avoid the girl, but I always forget and get shot with the shaft. Then my mind goes nuts and my body does its thing so I am freaked if suddenly called to stand up front. It is not that particular girl—it is just the shaft. Any female that spreads her legs would get the same unwelcome response. I am sick of the guys having to bear the pain. Girls need to know that guys don’t WANT every guy in the room to gawk at their girl’s shaft. It seems lowlife.
The guys in my class talked about how to avoid looking down the shaft. The 13-year-olds really struggle. They never participate in games due to the possibility of the bulge. I went to the youth pastor and then to pastor, but they each said they were sorry but their position was delicate because one word and the girl or her mother would probably get offended and accuse them of lusting and they would lose their job and maybe marriage. Us guys have prayed for an open ear from someone in authority, but so far we have not found how to fix the problem.
Now this girl wants to join our guitar class, and us guys are like, NO. No way. I took a stand, told WHY, and it did not come out the way I thought. I have been told all kinds of stupid nonsense about submitting to authority and how we should not be this or that against females. Heck, I like females. It’s just that church is not the place to be turned on. I don’t like being manipulated. Everyone says she doesn’t understand how guys are and thinks that when guys look at her it means they like her. Then all I have to say is SOMEONE in authority is failing to do their job in explaining things to her.
Everybody complains about cigarette smoke being blown in their face; well we are having something blown in our face. Just one girl controls all us guys. It’s wrong.
If the church doesn’t let me keep my guys’ guitar class, I am considering starting a church in my house so we can do it without the shaft!
It is hard being a young man nowadays with porn everywhere. It is even more discouraging when it sits across from you on a high stool and spreads wide just as you get ready to pray for the meal.
Tell them.
What can I say more than you have said? I have heard similar complaints a thousand times. I knew girls like that when I was your age. I avoided them like the plague—tight blouses, short or tight skirts, cleavage showing, etc. It is man’s greatest temptation, and it sometimes feels like the devil is in the skirt.
When I was a young pastor, girls would sit on the front row in a manner that distracted me greatly, so I brought some little towels to church and instructed some of the women to place them over the thighs and knees of the unknowing exhibitionists. The front row soon contained only young men.
“In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works” (1 Timothy 2:9–10).
Nearly all modern fashion is immodest. Long ago I gave up trying to effect real change. Although if I see that it is too damaging, I will not keep quiet, as you say, regardless of who gets mad. I do understand why pastors have to tuck their tails. I have family members who dress immodestly. I do not let that come between us. Some of the women and girls in our little church dress very immodestly, but at 73 years of age I am too old to be bothered by it. But because of testimonies like yours I am reminded of the need to address it. I remember being a teenager, and I remember fighting the battle and winning by the power of my position in Jesus Christ.
Although, you must know, no mother will understand your battle—none. It is a man’s war. Know that if you win this contest of flesh versus spirit, you can overcome any and all trials of life. It worked for me. Most men are in a constant battle due to women in indecent dress. I know because men of all caliber and ages come to me for counsel concerning the undress they are subject to every time they walk into church. They hate it as much as you do, yet no one dares speak up. You could just tell the girl that you do not want her in your class because she dresses immodestly and it is a distraction to the other guys.
The Bible says, “Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22). The key word is flee. Do not expect to be able to cease having such promptings. Only castration would diminish your drive. It is your responsibility to be an overcomer. Flee, and again I say, flee. If it means going to church with a bunch of old folk or starting your own church with old-fashioned dress codes, then do so.
The church has totally surrendered to lustful fashion. I do think that most girls are unaware of the effect they have upon men. They think they are just being pretty. If they knew they were viewed with disgust by righteous young men they would be horrified. I do not know that it can ever be reversed. Maybe it awaits a young preacher filled with the Holy Ghost and the power of God’s Word to turn things around. You could be that man—if you overcome.
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I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. 3 John 4
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Homeschool Kid - Mommy Training
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. I wasn't aware of what men went through until I was married and my husband taught me. I'm glad the 'purple elephant' in the room is being addressed so other young women will be able to do something about it themselves and know to ask for wisdom to teach their daughters.
Thank you young man for speaking up. On of the reasons we stopped attending a "Christian church" was the immodestly dressed females for the sake of my young son (at that time) and yes, my husband. I am now stressing this problem to my 13 year old daughter and it seems like this article has made her realize that I am not just an old-fashion-mom. I hope and pray that every mother will show this article to her daughters not only for the young men's sake but also for the girls' conscience. Just say it as it is and have them read this article.
Hang in there man.
From personal experience of needing people to change and yielding to God’s plans of righteous, Asking the Holy Spirit to move has always worked (Luke 11:13). When I know it is in direct line with God’s will (James 4:2-3), I ask. I have prayed and asked the Father for the Holy Spirit and DUDE He hears me. I stand in amazement at the Spirits power and some of the things I have seen Him work through. From lost people being saved, hard and dead hearts from sin being revived, and even personal victory of porn in my own life, like cold turkey, not possible victory. He is that powerful and we still serve a God who has power over sin, thank you Jesus 🙂 ahh the peace and joy that I can not describe.
One quick personal experience story:
I have a sister who has and occasionally still does dress, what I would call, immodest but mainly out of ignorance. Mom was having a talk with her about it and I walked into the room and got sucked into the conversation and had an interesting task of trying to communicate what such clothing does to me, a guy and how it winds up the motor. Thankful for God's wisdom and understanding. Found it hard to take something that is so common to me and put it into words that she could understand, when such emotions and such mental thoughts are foreign to her.
My mom gave a example to help her understand:
A Sunday school teacher took here class of mature ladies and had them all leave the room. Then she hung a piece of paper with a single word on the back center wall of the room. She exited the room and told each lady individually “There is a piece of paper on the center back wall, with a single word on the paper. You are not allowed read the word on the piece of paper.” End results; they all had read the word. Those that didn’t read the word, when they first entered, had that temptation eating at them till they read the word and they didn't get much out of the lesson till the looked because a constant echoing of “WHAT IS THE WORD ON THE BACK WALL!” How could you hear anything else with that screaming through your head or teach anything when you have a shaft flashing you in the face?
I tried to explain to my sister how "even lacy outer laters, to a man, can be a turn on for him, depending on the under layer color. A skin color, under layer is a big eye catcher for us fellows, like bad turn on. The reason being is the thoughts that plague us. Here is an example. the first thought that enters my mind is usually
"oh wow, surely she has some layer underneath that…" and then the next thought,
"What if she doesn't have anything on under that garment?" Now I have a sick radical image pop into my mind and I got to get my mind out of the dump. (sorry to all you fellows who had a dirty image pop into your minds by just reading that. Yes, it can be that bad ladies…)
Which is usually followed by
"I better check and make sure" as if that will put better clothing on her.
And then you ladies get the looks and admiration you crave.
Only if you knew how dirty they were, even from a clean man, WHEN you dress immodest.
Now mind, this all takes place in about 1 tenth of a second and it has happened before I know it. So trying to control it is on the edge of impossible because it happens so fast and before the average persons reflexes can kit in to stop it.”
It did help my sister to understand a little bit how we guys tick and put some more thought into what she wears. she still wears short shorts sometimes and flashes that hunk of leg off… might have to have another dreaded talk with her about that...
Anyways if you want my opinion, our older ladies are failing us younger men.
Titus 2:3-5 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, CHASTE, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
I didn't say this! God did and talk about a big charge!
Last thing to encourage you on your stand, just in case. If anyone tells you that you have the problem with immoral thoughts; read Job 31:1 “I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?”
Sounds like he was tempted as well, doesn't it? to top it off read Job 1:8 “And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?”
Hmm fancy that, such a solid man had to set up personal standards so he wouldn’t sin against God because even he was tempted by women’s immodesty…
This is a male trait and to deny it is to deny a possible assassin, of great strength, in your own city.
I have more I could say but this is all God has laid on my heart to type up for now.
God bless bro and hang in there!
I'm sorry. You may consider setting up a meeting with the girl, her parents, and a couple of leaders to convey your concerns. Otherwise moving your lessons in home sounds like something at least. I want you to know that some mothers do understand and won't think ill of you for telling the truth. I'm a mom of seven children, two of them teen boys who have even struggled with pornography. In discussing the topic with Christian friends, I've found it's very "normal" in today's society and none of us are standing in judgement, just despair over our boys hearts and eyes. We are definitely teaching our daughters to be modest. Your letter makes me more inclined to have a conversation with the girls in church when needed, to be that voice you need. Keep on keeping on Brother, and know that one day soon you'll meet your beautiful, modest, pure wife who will be very glad you fought this battle and won.