Tree Rings and Marriage Things

Sometimes you might meet a family with a half dozen kids that are all, as my mom would say, “bright eyed and bushy tailed.” Every kid is vying for your attention; they're filled with joy and happiness, and their eyes are bright with a great expectation of life.
Another time, you might meet a family where every kid seems furtive, reclusive, and scared of interacting with the world around them. They keep their fingers in their mouth and won't meet your eye; it appears they are expecting life to jump out and get them at any time and they must protect themselves from it.
I have asked myself, “What is it that determines the family spirit?” I understand that the answer to this question is going to be complex, but at the foundation of a family’s worldview there is a synchronicity that is apparent.
I believe that foundation is not primarily in child training or even education. It starts earlier than that. I believe that the common factor is the relationship between Mom, Dad, and child from the very first months of life.
That is why the office of marriage is the most fundamental relationship in our lives. Surprisingly, I am not talking about our own marriage, but rather the marriage of our mom and dad.
When I say fundamental, I don't mean that it is the most important or even the most central to our happiness. What I mean is every other relationship in your life will be viewed through the lens that is shaped by how your parents relate to each other and to you. Because of that, it is our duty to value and curate our marriages, not just for our own enjoyment but as the nursery in which the worldview of our children will be birthed.
In the first few years of life, you form an understanding of what life feels like. Is life dangerous or exciting? Should we conquer it or hide from it? Is life a series of painful events over which you have no control, or is it a series of growing opportunities if you but have the courage to grasp them?
As my children grew, I could see their character being formed like the rings of a tree. From those first few years of life a shape is developed, and each consecutive layer begins to follow the foundation which was laid early on. If that first growth ring is shaped like a pear, life is a lot more likely to go pear shaped. Because of this, a lot more attention should be paid to the ground from which the central core will grow.
From the central core of three—you, Mom, and Dad—you will contextualize the next relationship in your life and then view it through that same lens.
As you take those first shaky steps in forming fledgling relationships with those around you, there are some life-altering decisions to make. Is your brother trying to take what is yours? How shall you respond? Should you share time with him, or should you hide so he doesn't take more? Maybe you should challenge him back and fight for supremacy?
The question is how do you make such a complex decision as a 3-year old?
The thing is, you already know what life feels like, what it tastes like, based on your very earliest impressions of relationships.
How does Mom treat Dad? How does Dad view Mom? You won't contextualize the data and then decide; you will act on the instincts that have been given to you by your parents. Is Mama angry at Daddy? Then that is what the world feels like, and you should respond to a challenge with anger. Does Daddy leave the room and withdraw whenever there's conflict? Then, in your developing emotional worldview, you instinctually know the best way to have a relationship is to hide whenever it's difficult; after all, that is what your role model is doing.
Now, as we add the next layer of relationships to our lives, your reaction to your brother or sister will also begin to shape your character. There is a reason you can often tell if someone is an only child or the youngest child just a few minutes after meeting them, even as an adult. The relationships they have had, or in some cases, didn’t have, have left their mark on their character.
As you mature, so will your view of life. You will begin to understand the world through the ever-expanding interaction of the relationships in your life. With the model given to you by your parents, you will start to experiment with your own interactions to find what works best on your path through the world around you.
As Christians our worldview should be further augmented by the defining characteristic of a follower of Christ: that our primary responsibility is to be obedient to God, not to our own fulfillment.
It is bizarre to me that there are so many Christians who will accept the fundamental teachings of our faith, such as: you cannot fornicate just because you think it will make you happy, or you cannot get drunk just because it will alleviate stress in the short term.
Yet they still seem to think that you can get divorced just because it will make you happy and alleviate stress in the short term. Or, that it is perfectly acceptable to live in a stress-filled, anger-inducing marriage without submitting your will to God and at least attempting to fulfill your God-given role in the office of marriage.
Husbands, the Bible says love your wives. There is no sliding scale, no caveats or exceptions. You are to love your wife the way Christ loves the church. When she hates you, you are to love her. When she reviles you, you are to pursue her. Whether she despises you or worships the ground that you walk on, you are to view her as life's number-one project. Love your wife.
When your son sees you acting in love toward your wife, even if she is acting in a way that is inappropriate, your son will learn to love his enemies, to respect his mother and the position that she has, to fear God, and to be thankful even when things are bad. Alternatively, if you pursue your wife and love her when things are great, your son will learn that life is wonderful and that good things can be expected from obedience to God.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord in everything. There are no caveats here either. You don't get to decide when he's worth submitting to and when he is not. The office of wife is to reside in submission to the office of husband with the same intentionality that you would submit yourself to Christ.
When your daughters see you submit to your husband when he is ugly and undeserving, they will learn that you view God as the Lord of your life and that conquering yourself is a higher calling than conquering others. Alternatively, when your husband is fulfilling his office in a godly way, and your kids see you submitting to him and receiving his love with thanksgiving, they will learn that life is sweet and the goodness of God is to be savored. They will learn to respect authority and to give themselves to the pursuit of a higher calling. They will rise up and call you blessed.
Saints, the stakes are high and the goals are lofty. We are put here not to pursue our own good but to take up our cross and pursue God in spite of our own good.
Unsurprisingly when two people have this view of marriage, it becomes more than the sum of its parts. It becomes a rich garden filled with love and laughter and a place where children grow strong and balanced. I was raised in a home like that, my children were raised in a home like that, and I promise you, it is awesome!