Windows of the Soul

It happened a few months ago. I was putting my two-year-old down for a nap when I noticed him avoiding eye contact with me. Looking me in the eyes seemed to make him uncomfortable.
Immediately a flood of memories and emotions filled my mind. As he fell asleep, I sat and thought about my own childhood. My parents loved me and meant well, but our relationship had caused me to find their gaze uncomfortable. It seemed they never really saw me until I had done something that displeased them. Only when I was in trouble did I have their full attention. My distant memories of looking them in the eyes are all clouded by feelings of their disappointment, displeasure, and anger.
I realized that I’d unwittingly been doing the same thing with my son. I didn’t intend to any more than my parents did, but I suddenly realized I had failed to look him in the eyes until I was trying to have a serious conversation with him. Yes, I’d commanded him to look me in the eye when he was in trouble, but I had often neglected to smile at him when he pleased me. No wonder he found my gaze uncomfortable. I had been building those same negative associations that had been built in me.
With that thought came a sigh of relief. I knew that I understood the root cause of the problem, and that meant that I knew how to fix it. It would have to start with me retraining my own brain to regularly make eye contact that was pleasant and approving.
I knew it might not be easy. It was definitely something that I was still struggling with as an adult. And thinking back on my parents and even grandparents, I could see that they still struggled with this as well. It was one generation passing their discomfort to the next. But I knew that I didn’t have to continue that pattern.
It isn’t the first time that I’ve realized I was carrying the baggage of my upbringing into my relationship with my own child. After reading Deb’s book on neuroplasticity, I am aware of what it would take to retrain my brain. I’ve learned that training the brain with new, healthy associations can be challenging, but I CAN do it, and it works.
The beautiful thing is that what is good for me and my child is also the will and design of God. Despite my inadvertent programming to the contrary, I know that God made parents and children to want loving eye contact with each other. It is a natural human response unless it is broken by our early unhealthy relationships. Loving and approving with our eyes is one of the joys of life.
When we inherit brokenness from our early upbringing, we carry it into adulthood. We may dismiss it with the thought that “I am just different than most people,” or “Maybe that’s just my personality,” or “I’m just weird that way.” The natural order that God created—of parents loving and enjoying their children, and children loving and seeking fellowship with their parents—is still essential to human well being. It may have been clouded by unnatural associations that life has built in our brains, but when we recognize it and retrain ourselves with what is natural and good, everything tends to fall into place. We’re finally going with the groove that God designed when he pronounced his creation “very good.”
That’s why realizing the root of my problem gave me hope. I knew that I could start training my own brain to focus on the positive aspects of eye contact with others (especially my little one), rather than the uncomfortable feelings from the past. I will make a point to make eye contact with my son when we’re having fun, feeling goofy, and just doing life, and not only when I’m serious.
At first I’ll have to be intentional about it, but it will be building a new habit and restoring God’s groove in my brain. And not only my brain, but my kiddo’s brain as well. Before long, what is natural to the family of man will become natural to me.

UPDATE:

Wow! It’s been a little over four months, and it is amazing how much this has changed in my brain to where I no longer have to remind myself to make an effort. It was challenging for me at first to be intentional about changing my own habits, but I set alarms on my smartphone to remind me several times a day to look my kiddo in the eyes with pleasure. After a month or two, I had formed a habit that was now natural to me. And my two-year-old no longer has any aversion to my gaze. He seeks it! On those rare occasions when he is avoiding looking me in the eyes, I can see that it’s a sign of defiance or another problem between us, and I can take appropriate action to chasten and restore the beautiful fellowship we get to share. I am so thankful for what God made and how just a little effort can bring us back into his groove.
Debi’s book, Create a Better Brain Through Neuroplasticity, is what enabled me to see clearly.