Transcription
[intro music]
Debi: Papa and I are going to record, so y'all go ahead and shut the door. [door slams]
Child 1: Oh, I'm tired.
Child 2: Yeah, your eyes are closed.
Child 1: No, my eyes are looking.
Child 3: Saw you open them a couple times.
Child 1: I [inaudible 00:20]
Child 2: Maybe she was half awake and half asleep.
Announcer: From the archives this week, we get advice for the exhausted mothers of small children who cry whenever she leaves the room. Here's what they had to say.
Michael Pearl: OK Deb, what's our next letter there?
Debi Pearl: OK. This is from the Internet, and it says, "Dear Michael and Deb, I have recently read 'To Train Up a Child' and found it informative, and the type of child rearing is what we want to implement. I have also read most of your articles that are currently on your website, and gained a lot of knowledge from them. We have a seven month old daughter, and she is our first. I have many questions, so I will start with the routine. You mentioned children should be on a routine. Does that include playtime? What about a seven month old?
I put her on a sleep wake feeding routine when she was born, and I like the results. However, now has she gotten very clingy. I mean like, really, really clingy. And not just with me, her mom. She is clingy in the church nursery. Whatever worker is holding her, she clings to them.
At home with me or my husband, she screams if we walk out of the room or leave her by herself on the floor to play. She does have time of independent play, but it only lasts about 10 minutes, and then she starts crying.
She only sleeps about eight to 10 hours at night, and I think it should be closer to 10 or 12 hours. Which I think could be part of the problem, she's just tired all the time. She'll take three naps a day, but her naps are not that great. She's up and down.
I play with her and I try to reassure her. We hold her and love her and smile a lot, and she's generally very happy. It's just that she's so clingy.
Michael: OK, Deb. That's something that the child is going to grow out of, the clingingness. But obviously the mother sees something wrong. In other words, she senses in her spirit that there's a problem here. Otherwise of course she would not have written the letter. And when a mother or father sense in their spirit that something's not right, then you can be sure that something's not right. Now quite often parents miss the target as to what the problem is. But nonetheless there's an awareness that there's a problem.
Now obviously a child that's small is going to spend a lot of time with his mother, and obviously a mother's going to want to be close to her child. She says she reassures her. You've had a lot more experience with this than I have, Deb, so maybe you could speak directly to this.
Debi: OK. I know that she says it's her first child. Well, when you have a house full of children, you've got the six year old that's playing with the one year old, and you've got the eight year old that's carrying the newborn baby around. Those new babies coming on, they don't get clingy because they have a multitude that loves them, and that smiles at them and plays with them and makes them feel comfortable, and a part of a group. But when the baby only has mama during the day, and the house is quiet and silent, and when mama leaves the room there's a startling emptiness there. Then that baby takes notice of the startling emptiness, where the child when it was three or four months old didn't notice that.
But now at seven months old, it's suddenly aware that the room is empty and mama's not there, and the child has a moment of fear and anxiety. What you need to do is introduce your child to other people and children, and even noise.
Wherever you are, if you could take the baby with you to sit her down and let her play with pots and pans while you're washing dishes, or hand her her own toothbrush and let her brush her teeth when you're brushing yours. Just keep her constantly occupied and interested in something that's happening that she can be a part of your life, and yet be developing her own individuality.
I know we had a situation where there was about a six or seven‑month‑old baby that was around us quite a bit. That baby was so clingy. Our daughter Shoshanna would just get in the child's face and talk and laugh, and play with the child for every chance she could have with it. Then, eventually, the baby got worse.
She would go to Shoshanna, and then Shoshanna would immediately go to the next person and get that next person to talk to the baby and look the baby in the eye to feel comfortable. After three or four times of doing that, that baby would go to that person until the baby felt a comfortable feeling with all these different people.
Basically, what your child is experiencing is an anxiety over the empty room syndrome. You can use your common sense to fill that room up.
I remember with my first one, when I left the room I would start singing. I would sing in the room and I would just keep singing when I left the room so the child could hear my voice. Then, I'd wander back in and then I'd wander out again, and I would talk or sing.
Even though I physically was not in the room, my presence was there because my voice was in there until the child got comfortable with the fact that the room can be empty and still be a fun place to be.
Man 1: That's real good advice. This mother still has a sense that something is not right about this. I think what she's seeing in this is that the child is attempting to gain control of the situation and the circumstances. That the child seems to be the one who's dictating when you can leave the room, and when you cannot. Definitely, that can become a problem, especially later on. When infants are born, they know nothing but pleasure and pain. They know nothing but that some things gratify, and some things make me feel good and some things make me feel bad.
Infants have no social awareness, that is, they can't think in terms of, I'm not the only person in the universe. Because, to the infant, they are the only one in the universe. Everyone and everything exist just to satisfy their need. So, you will want to seek a way whereby you can take charge of the situation.
You said you reassure her. It's better to assure her and not to reassure her. In other words, when the child gets to that point where she's demanding, and she's whining and she's crying and she's saying, come get in my face, come pay some attention to me, come pick me up, then to respond to that is to allow the child to take charge of her own life and take charge of your life, and take charge of all circumstances around her, and to see herself as the center of the universe.
It's good to give her lots of love, lots of affection and be close to her, but do it on your terms. You meet those needs before the situation arises that the child starts making demands. When the child does make demands, then you need to seek some kind of way to not fulfill those demands immediately.
In other words, if I left the room and she cried, then, as Deb said, I would maybe sing or make some noise in the other room. But, don't rush back in there to meet her need, because if you do, she will develop the habit of continually demanding, any time she has not only a need, but want.
Announcer: Well, that wraps up this week's archives. We hope you found it as encouraging as we did. Don't forget to check out the specials at Cane Creek Corner.
[outro music]
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I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. 3 John 4
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I am an "older" mom. Our 5 children are 18-6 and I am preg, due in Aug. Its been a few years since we had a baby and I so appreciate this audio. I have forgotten some and find that I need to be reminded and encouraged. Thanks so much.