Mail Bag - Interrupting

Transcription

[intro music]

Debi Pearl:  Papa and I are going to record, so ya'll go ahead and shut the door. [door closing]

Child 1:  Ew, a dog is licking my fingers.

Child 2:  Oh, gross, dog drool! [giggling]

Announcer:  Welcome to our series of Vintage Answers from the No Greater Joy archives. We've all dealt with our kid's interruptions, but when is it OK, and when is it rude? Here, Mike and Debi address one writer's confusion.

Michael Pearl:  OK, Deb's got another letter there.

Debi:  Yes. Here's a short one. It says, "Dear Michael and Deb, we greatly appreciate your books and newsletters. You have given me much insight and inspiration regarding child training, thank you. This question deals directly and indirectly with raising my children because of what they see in their parents is what they will learn." "My husband and I believe that as husband and wife, we should always give each other first place behind God, of course, however, it seems like an impossible task when children are involved. If one is talking with a child and the other one has something they feel is important, is it proper to interrupt the middle of the conversation in order to give the spouse priority?

Does giving first place require immediate attention at any given time for any reason? "Is it showing disrespect to finish the sentence or conversation before giving full attention to the other spouse? Could you give us insight into this?"

Michael:  Well, I think children are going to learn by example. There's two things involved here. One is the children need to learn to be respectful of others when they're speaking and not to be rude in interrupting. If the parents are rude in interrupting, then the children are going to learn to emulate that. On the other hand, the children need to learn that the parents are whole priority and that mother has a prior commitment to father first, and so they should be taught to yield the floor to the father or yield the floor to the mother. You're going to have to strike a balance there.

Debi:  I think you should use common sense. A child knows if he's rambling on telling a story about the frog and the daddy needs the car keys, then the mom needs to...What I do is hold my index finger up to the child, which indicates just a minute, please, and then I'll look at Mike and say, "What do you need?" The child sees that daddy has something important to say, but momma wants to hear the rest of your story anyway. Just use common sense on these things.

Michael:  Yeah, I have seen situations and been in homes where the father would stand patiently for two or three minutes waiting to say something, and the child is given priority. I think that creates a very difficult situation. The child is not going to feel that he is less worthy because he's interrupted whereas the parents cannot be interrupted. Even in situations where momma and daddy are talking and the child comes running in with a very exciting event, mom and dad will stop talking and listen to what the child has to say. If we find out that it's a nonsense story or something irrelevant, then we may say, "No, wait a minute. We'll listen to that later," and continue our conversation.

We're pretty loose on that. We're not very formal about it. I guess, the most dramatic event takes priority, whether it's with a child or whether it's with a parent. Whatever is most needful is what is allowed to take its course. We're not real upset when they interrupt us because we don't mind after finding out what they're talking about telling them, "No, be quiet. We'll listen to you in a moment," or if it's important, then we'll stop what we're doing to listen to what they have to say.

Debi:  The relationship between you and your husband is an attitude that you'll portray. Children will see that you feel different about your husband, that he is the head, that he is the boss, that he is the one that the family revolves around and is excited when he comes home. He sees the children see that he is the one. It's your attitude, not necessarily your actions of refusing to speak to them when the daddy's around that's going to mold them. In the end, it's not as much what you do, it's who you are that's going to let the children see your relationship with your husband.

Michael:  A family shouldn't be built on formality and tight rules. It should be a place where you can relax and just have a lot of fun. We never had any rules, but the children just had the general sense that whenever we held our hand up or a finger up and indicated stop, be quiet, then they were silent and they stood by and we were conscious of their need to speak. When the right moment came, we would address them, allow them to address us. What else you got there?

Debi:  I was going to say that often when I'm speaking with people, their children will run up with an urgency on their face, and the mother will give them a look of you don't dare interrupt and she'll continue peacefully talking to me when the child looks like something is very pressing. When my children did that, I would stop and say, "Do you have something important you need to say to me?" If they had something important, they would tell me, like there's a little girl about to run in front of the car, would you...Something's going on that I need to deal with immediately, and I trusted their judgment. On the other hand, if I said, "Do you have something important that you need to say to me," if they looked shamefaced and said, "Well, not exactly important," I would say, "Well, then you need to wait." They learned by the time they were four or five, they could make a judgment on things and making wise decisions. That's part of growing up. That's part of maturing as a human being. If you don't allow a child to have any judgments, then that area of their life is not going to mature.

[outro music]

Announcer:  Thanks for listening. I hope it was a blessing. Don't forget to check out Cane Creek Corner for this week's specials.