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Mail Bag - Sensitive Girlie

By Michael Pearl

Transcription

[intro music]

Debi Pearl:  Papa and I are going to record, so you all go ahead and shut the door. [sound of door closing]

Child 1 :  Ah! A spider!

Child 2:  Ew!

Child 1:  Get a shoe or something! I'll squish it!

Child 2:  Ah! It's going to bite me!

Announcer:  Welcome to "Vintage Answers." This week, we have advice on how to handle the sensitive child. Here are Mike and Debi.

Micheal Pearl:  Deb, what's our first letter say here?

Debi:  OK, this comes from our website. It says, "Hi. I've been getting your newsletter for about eight months now, and I appreciate your book, 'To Train Up a Child.' Our oldest child is two and a half years old, and has always been very compliant and obedient. But rather, she will just cry if she doesn't get her way. This infuriates my husband, and he tells sometimes in a harsh tone, 'Stop your crying!' I always tell him, 'No! You can't make her stop crying, because she'll just cry more then.' We can control where she cries, so I've always suggested that we just send her to her room until she can get a handle on things. She is really, really sensitive, and gets her feelings hurt so easily.

Then I read in your April issue about an instance where you were training a two‑year old, and swatted her until she quit crying. Now I'm just trying to picture how this would go with our daughter, and I am not getting pretty pictures. I really do value your advice, and I guess I'm wanting some reassurance that this is the right thing to do. Will I be swatting her every time she cries?"

If so, that seems like I'm just telling her she can't ever be upset. I don't want her to learn she can manipulate with tears, but what's wrong with sending her to her room until she has a happy face? Please write back if you can."
Michael:  OK. It's interesting how a letter like that reveals so much in the key words. For instance, she says, "Her version of a fit." This mother interprets what's going on here as a fit, as a demanding, angry spell. Then she says that her husband becomes angry. Why is the husband angry? He's angry because he feels like something is going on there that's not just, or not right, or not correct, and he's frustrated in his inability to do anything about it to stop it. Then she says, "I tell him no." That is, she tells her husband no. Now, I'm just wondering if she ever told her husband that in the presence of the child. Because if she did, then what you have there is a divided authority in the mind of the child. How would that sit, Deb, with the little girl?

Debi:  Well, I can tell you how it would sit with the husband. I married one. Anytime a woman takes authority over her husband, he's going to be even more frustrated, especially when he knows something's wrong with the way the child's acting, and he feels that the child needs to be dealt with. The very fact that the mother and the father have split ideas about this thing, that takes the authority away from the daddy and gives it to the mother, and the little girl looks up and realizes, really, there's no authority at all. The mother thinks she has the authority over the child, but the child keeps screaming, so the child 's the one that's got the authority.

Michael:  You said you didn't want to teach her that she could manipulate with her crying. Well, you've already done that. In other words, she's already learned that she can manipulate and control her parents with her crying. Whenever Daddy tells her no and tries to stop her from crying, and Mother says, "No, you can't stop her from crying, all we can do is control where she cries," then the little girl is already in control. She's already leading both Mama and Daddy. All it takes is a shrug from Mother. All it takes is a pitiful look on Mother's face, or a distressed look, and the little girl can look up and see Mother in distress, and see Mother upset, and see that there's a division of authority there. That gives her further impetus to continue to cry, continue to whine, continue to demand, to not be silent. That gives her a cue that Daddy's in the wrong, that little girl is in the right, and it's OK to throw a fit and demand my way. That's a real problem, for there to be a divided authority.

Then she said she cannot control her crying, but she can control where she cries. That's not control at all. That's an admission of defeat. That's a statement, "We failed." That's a statement to the little girl, "You deal with your own problem. We can't deal with it."

So, she said that she's very sensitive. That makes me wonder if maybe this mother's not sensitive, and possibly the little girl is employing a technique that the mother has employed to deal with frustrations and deal with disappointments.

Now, when a child is sensitive, what are you saying? What are you saying when the child is sensitive? Are you saying that she is especially moved by beauty? Are you saying that she enjoys the company of other people and that she has compassion toward them when they're in need? Is that what you're saying?

Or, when you say she's sensitive, are you saying that she demands her rights, and when she doesn't get her rights then she throws a fit? That's not sensitive. You said she gets her feelings hurt. When anyone gets their feelings hurt, what's happening?

Well, it's a statement that, "I had a feeling I was going to get my way. I had a feeling that I was going to do something that I'm thwarted from doing, and so I'm upset. I'm angry at the people who are controlling me. I'm angry at the rules that don't allow me free expression. I'm frustrated and I'm hurt because I'm not allowed to get my way."

That's not a good thing. That's not a personality trait, that's a character trait. Then she said that she feels like she would be swatting her indefinitely. Now, I would encourage you, don't pursue a course here blindly. In other words, because you read an article by us or someone else that said that in a particular situation, a child was swatted and told to stop crying, and the caretaker continued that action until the child stopped.

You've got to know your child. You've got to know yourself, and you've got to be clear on what you're doing. If you're not certain, if you have a lack of faith in what you're doing, don't, by blind faith, begin a procedure that you don't understand where it's going to go, and you don't understand your limitations or the child's limitations.
I know there are many children who have been so trained to whine and cry that if all of the sudden, out of the blue, the mother were to decide, "OK, I'm going to spank this child until she quits crying," she would not quit crying until she was exhausted, until she was emotionally spent, and physically did not have the energy to continue to cry.

She might continue that for an hour, or two hours or three hours or longer until she finally fell out in exhaustion, and there would be no profit in that. That would not be a good thing to do. There's going to be more involved here in training this child than throwing all the burden onto one situation, and saying, "OK, I'm going to spank her until she stops crying."

What you want to do is communicate to the child a message of authority. You've got to have authority. She's got to see that you're an authority, so it's going to take more experiences than just one, possibly.

Now, some children who are already trained, that already understand what to expect, you can bring that kind of pressure to bear, and know that in two or three swattings, they're going to be silent, they're going to be happy and they're going to cheer up. But, you may have to approach it more slowly than that.

Then you said, "Can't she ever be upset?" You said you didn't want to train her to learn to get her way through throwing fits, but "can't she ever be upset?" Why should she? Why should any human being ever be upset because they're not allowed to break the rule of law? Why should anyone have a time of emotional withdrawal when they're disappointed over having to do what they ought to do?

It's never right. Now I realize that adults sometimes will have a time of solitude when they want to draw away to themselves or when they want to be quiet, or someone may be emotionally disturbed and want to withdraw and cry quietly, even an adult may do that. But, that's a sign of something going awry. That's not a sign of good health or of dealing with reality in a proper way.

No, I would not give the child the benefit of the doubt and say, "OK, we're going to let her have these periods of being upset." What you're doing is you're allowing a period of rebellion to incubate. You're allowing that child to seed and stew in that state of resistance and rebellion, and it can create a self‑despising in her when she withdraws. It creates a time when she broods over how she's mistreated, and that can just grow with her.

[music]

Announcer:  Well, that wraps up this week's archives. We hope you found it as encouraging as we did. Don't forget to check out the specials at Cane Creek Corner.

[outro music]

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3 comments on “Mail Bag - Sensitive Girlie”

  1. I love how you both expounded on what was written in the news letter. It is always so wonderful to hear your hearts and glean from your wisdom.
    I was convicted when I realized that in many ways I have been training my eldest son to whining. I am trying to regain my authority with him and maintain it with my daughter (who, by God's grace, I have been able to train better than I did #1).
    Thank you for the live teachings!!! They are so encouraging.

  2. This is such excellent advice. I own and have read To Train Up a Child as well as the volumes I, II and III. My family and I have benefited greatly by the advice and help of the Pearls. I think the Pearls have really come to a place where they've dealt with so many different families, so many varying problems that their advice has become better and better over the years.

    I think a revised edition of To Train Up a Child with elements like this answer would be a wonderful thing. The original book doesn't always express the softness and the variability that the answer above has. I think many parents would benefit from an updated or revised edition, especially since so many parts have been misconstrued and attacked by the media and liberal groups.

    We love you and and can't thank you enough for all you have done to help so many. God bless you!

  3. Oh the wisdom of those who study the Word of God! Thank you for the very practical teaching. I have one of those "sensitive" girls and I am learning to let my husband LEAD. This sensitive girl is becoming less sensitive and I can see her looking at me through her half-closed eyes when she is crying as if saying: "Let me see how she deals with this". Thank you so very much for your selfless dedication to help those of us who need it. God bless you and your family always!